I really don't know if I'll have time to write anything later this month, cause I'm really busy these days, and in that case I'll be writing my final goodbye to the year 2012 in this entry right here.
It's been a long and strange year, filled with changes that I never dreamt would happen, and new experiences I never could've predicted. First and foremost, I can actually see just how much I've changed myself over this past year. Sometimes I stop whatever it is I'm doing, and it's as if I walk outside of myself, and I look at me and see someone else. I don't see the person that I once used to be. She truly did die last year, and the person who replaced her has spent this entire year developing and becoming who I am today. And we're not even close to being the same person.
You know what? I don't even miss her. That person that I used to be. She's gone, and I'm glad. She was a nice mask to hide behind, and I'm grateful for all the things she did for me, but in the end she did more harm than good, and it feels great to finally be rid of her so I can allow this new person to finally step out and show the world her existence. Because she's who I really am, who I've always been, deep inside, and now I can finally be that person. I am home within myself. I'm me.
So now I am saying my final goodbye to that person that once used to be me, and her ghost. After a whole year of working with myself, I can finally say that that old person is now completely gone, and not even her ghost remain. I'm free.
There are a lot of things in my life that I am saying goodbye to now. My old apartment is one, though it's a rather slow process. I just put it up for sale, and I am hoping to get it sold either by the end of the year, or sometime in January, so I can buy a new place. I feel like the old apartment still holds traces of old things that I no longer have in my life, along with traces of that person that used to be me, and I'd like to start over someplace new. And preferably someplace bigger. So I really do hope I can say my final goodbyes to my old home as soon as possible, so I can finally put that chapter behind me.
It's kind of stressful, trying to sell my apartment, especially since we're so close to x-mas and it's difficult to get things done these days, and I can feel that the stress wants to chew on me and drain me. I'm tired, but in the end I'm thinking that it's worth it, and that I'm making the right choice.
I just know there is a new home out there for me, and now I'm ready for it.
I'm saying goodbye to a lot of my problems as well. I am finally declared as well as I can be, and next week I'll have my last appointment with my psychologist. I'm saying goodbye to her now.
It's really strange, cause I've been seeing her for a while, and I've been seeing psychologists in general almost my entire life. It's no secret that I've been extremely sick most of my life. My depression and anxiety have been the two most well known issues that I've struggled with ever since I was a little girl, and I've been on medications for both several times. All my other problems, like the personality disorders that I'm born with and can't be "cured" of, and the psychosis I've had in periods, are less known, yet some of the worst things I've ever had to deal with. There are periods in my life where I've been sitting in a corner in my own home, alone, seeing things coming out of the walls to get me, and hearing voices in my head talking to me 24/7. I can joke about it now, but back then I was so crazy that it's a mircle that I'm alive today.
Today, I am officially declared cured of both my depression and my anxiety. Not through the use of medication, but purely by my own will alone, and that I am immensely proud of. My psychosis are gone, I've stopped seeing and hearing things, and I've learned to deal with my personality disorders to a point where I hardly notice them anymore. I am okay. Better than what I've ever been in my entire life, and I can finally stand on my own two feet and say that I am well. I can finally say goodbye to the worst of my psychological problems, and almost feel like an ordinary person for once.
I don't think I can ever explain to anyone how much that means to me.
As for saying goodbye to people, I've done that as well this year. Still haven't completely worked out things when it comes to my biological father, but as things stand now I've dropped all contact with him and more or less said goodbye to him. My doctor clearly told me that I need to cut the people that hurt me out of my life for good, and I am finally at a point in my life where I can actually listen to her and do it. There are still things I need to work out, and hopefully I'll get that done before the end of the year.
Another person I'm saying a final goodbye to is my ex. Things has just gotten to the point where I realize I'm wasting my time trying to be open for giving her another chance. She asked me for a meeting, and I canceled a day of appointments for that and sent her a text telling her when and where I could meet her. And even though she didn't even bother answering my text, I went there and waited for her. A complete waste of time, apparently. I chose to just ignore it, but then the other day she texted me, and she made it clear to me where she stands with the things she said, so I told her we're through. It was a final goodbye.
It's painful, cause she used to be my everything. I truly loved her with my entire being, and I put all of my trust in her. People warned me about her for years, telling me how bad she was and that she was only using me, and I've lost count of all the times I've gotten into arguements about her. Everyone else hated her, and I used all my energy defending her while trying to keep it a secret from her so she wouldn't get hurt by the fact that her own friends were talking trash about her behind her back. I though that they only hated her cause they didn't see the real her like I did. They didn't see how wonderful she could be, when it was just the two of us, and how much love she showed me. I didn't even dream that the love she gave me could be fake. I believed her when she told me she loved me. I stayed by her side as a friend, and as a lover, because I believed her and loved her, and she made me think she wanted me.
I should've known better, but I used to be a very naive person, and I actually trusted her 100% despite what everyone else around me said. She betrayed that trust, and hurt me both as a lover and a friend, and then tossed me away. And the fact that she now can't even aknowledge that she did something wrong, makes me think that it's not worth forgiving her. It's clear that I never meant as much to her, as she did to me, and I just can't allow myself to be hurt anymore. It's just time to move on, and say goodbye to what used to be between me and her.
All in all, I've said goodbye to a lot of things this year, not just myself, and I believe it has completely turned my life around to something entirely different. And something entirely new. The goal I set for myself for 2012, about finding myself and finally getting my life on the right track, and using this year for MY sake, is a goal I've managed to reach. I've completed my quest, and I just know that the new year will be the year where I get to enjoy the rewards for completing it. We're soon saying goodbye to 2012, and as we welcome the new year, I will be starting my life anew. It's a metaphorical rebirth, and I just know that the new year will bring new beginnings and exciting things for me. 2013 is the year where I'll finally start living for real. And I'll start living for ME.
lørdag 8. desember 2012
onsdag 14. november 2012
Darkness
There is so much going on in and around me right now, and it feels like I am about to burst! I have so much to think about, that I'm not sure what I am thinking anymore. I think I need another vacation. XD
I still feel a dying need for a lot of alone time, cause I do feel - to use a phrase I heard while I was in Israel - a bit people'd out. I just need a lot of time to sort out the chaos that is going on inside me, and it's hard to do that when I'm surrounded by people. I kind of wanted to take a quiet month this November, and just relax, but so far it's not really going according to plan. A lot of things are happening around me, and people keep asking me to spend time with them, and I have the hardest time ever saying no. I should say no more. I really should. I'm way too bad at it.
But the way things are now, it doesn't look like I'll be getting some quiet time any time soon. Got my driving lessons very frequently on the weekdays, and my next couple of weekends are already fully planned, not to mention all the other appointments that just keeps piling up.
No wonder I feel completely exhausted all the time now. I guess I'm just at another point in life where all the tiresome and difficult things come and swarm me and demand that I deal with them all at the same time. Oh, the joy.
My financial situation is total crap right now, cause I'm as broke as can be, yet I keep pretending that I'm not. I want to still be able to tell people that "I've got it" when we're out drinking or eating, cause I like paying for others. I like spoiling my friends. I know I shouldn't, cause I can't afford it, but it makes me happy. So at the moment I'm trying to pretend that I still got money, so they don't tell me off when I try to pay for their drinks or something. Yeah, I've got silly problems, I know. X3
But I've been approved for a loan at the bank, which is good news. Not a big loan, mind you, but hopefully it'll be enough to get a bigger apartment. Preferably one with two bedrooms, and more storage room... But first on the agenda is selling my current apartment, so I know how much money I have on my own. I just hope I can manage to sell it for a decent amount. I mean, it's a nice apartment, and I got the best view in town, so hopefully that'll help it sell. The Real Estate woman is coming on Monday to take a look at the place, so it probably won't be too long until it's put up for sale. Then I just need to cross my fingers and hope that I find a nice new place as soon as possible, and I can get a big enough loan to buy it. I really need it now...
And to add to the stress factor of things, my ex made contact again. Want to talk to me, she says. I'm not sure why, to be honest, cause we really have nothing to talk about unless she wants to fix things between us. Somehow I can't get myself to believe that she'd want that. After everything she did, she made me lose all faith and trust in her, and I doubt I'll ever get it back. I don't know... The entire encounter totally broke my day, and took what little I had left of energy. People's opinions about the matter are anything but nice, but they're all pretty pissed at her and generally can't stand her face. I'm pissed as well, though bitter and hurt wins out more than pissed. In the end, I'm just sad about everything, and not so much mad anymore.
And then there are a dozen of other things that are bothering me these days, both in and around me, and it is all contributing to weighing me down and making me slightly depressed. It's like this big and heavy darkness has just piled on top of me, and is slowly trying to crush me. And it's literally dark around me, cause the winter season here in Norway is horribly dark, and despite my sunny months in Israel I don't have enough reserves to deal with all this darkness on top of everything else. My head is already on overload with the things I have to think about these days. It's hard to deal with everything at the same time. I have moments where I just want to curl up into a ball and just cry and scream until it all goes away. I know it won't help, and that it won't fix anything, but at least it would give me a moment to distance myself from everything.
Yep. Definitely need a vacation.
I wish I had wings. Then I could go out on my balcony and climb up on the edge and try to get up on the roof, and when I got up there I could just jump. And fly. Spread my wings and soar high up above the town, in the middle of the night, away from everything, and fly as high up as I could possibly get. And then I'd look down, and see exactly how many lights that shine down below me, and light up the dark night.
It's only when it's dark that you really see all the many different lights that exist around you.
I want to shine~
I still feel a dying need for a lot of alone time, cause I do feel - to use a phrase I heard while I was in Israel - a bit people'd out. I just need a lot of time to sort out the chaos that is going on inside me, and it's hard to do that when I'm surrounded by people. I kind of wanted to take a quiet month this November, and just relax, but so far it's not really going according to plan. A lot of things are happening around me, and people keep asking me to spend time with them, and I have the hardest time ever saying no. I should say no more. I really should. I'm way too bad at it.
But the way things are now, it doesn't look like I'll be getting some quiet time any time soon. Got my driving lessons very frequently on the weekdays, and my next couple of weekends are already fully planned, not to mention all the other appointments that just keeps piling up.
No wonder I feel completely exhausted all the time now. I guess I'm just at another point in life where all the tiresome and difficult things come and swarm me and demand that I deal with them all at the same time. Oh, the joy.
My financial situation is total crap right now, cause I'm as broke as can be, yet I keep pretending that I'm not. I want to still be able to tell people that "I've got it" when we're out drinking or eating, cause I like paying for others. I like spoiling my friends. I know I shouldn't, cause I can't afford it, but it makes me happy. So at the moment I'm trying to pretend that I still got money, so they don't tell me off when I try to pay for their drinks or something. Yeah, I've got silly problems, I know. X3
But I've been approved for a loan at the bank, which is good news. Not a big loan, mind you, but hopefully it'll be enough to get a bigger apartment. Preferably one with two bedrooms, and more storage room... But first on the agenda is selling my current apartment, so I know how much money I have on my own. I just hope I can manage to sell it for a decent amount. I mean, it's a nice apartment, and I got the best view in town, so hopefully that'll help it sell. The Real Estate woman is coming on Monday to take a look at the place, so it probably won't be too long until it's put up for sale. Then I just need to cross my fingers and hope that I find a nice new place as soon as possible, and I can get a big enough loan to buy it. I really need it now...
And to add to the stress factor of things, my ex made contact again. Want to talk to me, she says. I'm not sure why, to be honest, cause we really have nothing to talk about unless she wants to fix things between us. Somehow I can't get myself to believe that she'd want that. After everything she did, she made me lose all faith and trust in her, and I doubt I'll ever get it back. I don't know... The entire encounter totally broke my day, and took what little I had left of energy. People's opinions about the matter are anything but nice, but they're all pretty pissed at her and generally can't stand her face. I'm pissed as well, though bitter and hurt wins out more than pissed. In the end, I'm just sad about everything, and not so much mad anymore.
And then there are a dozen of other things that are bothering me these days, both in and around me, and it is all contributing to weighing me down and making me slightly depressed. It's like this big and heavy darkness has just piled on top of me, and is slowly trying to crush me. And it's literally dark around me, cause the winter season here in Norway is horribly dark, and despite my sunny months in Israel I don't have enough reserves to deal with all this darkness on top of everything else. My head is already on overload with the things I have to think about these days. It's hard to deal with everything at the same time. I have moments where I just want to curl up into a ball and just cry and scream until it all goes away. I know it won't help, and that it won't fix anything, but at least it would give me a moment to distance myself from everything.
Yep. Definitely need a vacation.
I wish I had wings. Then I could go out on my balcony and climb up on the edge and try to get up on the roof, and when I got up there I could just jump. And fly. Spread my wings and soar high up above the town, in the middle of the night, away from everything, and fly as high up as I could possibly get. And then I'd look down, and see exactly how many lights that shine down below me, and light up the dark night.
It's only when it's dark that you really see all the many different lights that exist around you.
I want to shine~
søndag 28. oktober 2012
Silent Weekend
As I was trying to find the blissful embrace of sleep on Thursday, I got to thinking. It's not unusual, really, considering that happens pretty much every night, but this time I concluded that I needed a bit of time to myself. I have a lot of things to digest, mentally, and figured it was about time I actually took some time to digest it.
Come Friday, I still feel like taking some time to myself, and decide on a "quiet weekend" of no social contact, for once. And just as I make a post about that on FB - you know, to warn the masses that they'll be deprived of my awesome presence so they can spend the weekend crying over that loss - I hear a knock on my door. I finish my status update and post it, then get up to get that door, cursing to myself and saying that this better be important. And there's my ex, dropping off a wedding invitation. Considering I haven't seen that face in quite literally a year, after we parted on somewhat ugly terms, it was quite a shock to swallow, and I found myself blessing my brain for having already decided on a quiet weekend, cause right there was another good reason to take some time to myself.
I swear, the gods that watch over me have a twisted sense of humour sometimes.
When it comes to the case of my ex, that is an entire chapter of its own, and in the end I've decided that it was a chapter that left quite a bit of mess that I'm not gonna clean up. I'm not gonna take the responsibility of it, cause I'm not the one that fucked up - for once - and I'm just gonna leave it at that. If my ex wanna clean it up, then I'll welcome that with open arms and we might just talk it over and become friends, but if not then it's just not worth it and I'm gonna learn to forget about it all. Case closed.
Moving on to other cases I've tackled this weekend...
My physical health is one, cause it's not exactly all that great. Part of that is because of how bad shape I am in, and I'd like to do something about that. But how do I get in better shape, without losing my actual shape? Thing is, I'm one of those freak women that likes having curves, and dun want to be one of them skinny bitches. I just don't think it's pretty when you're thin as a stick, and a real woman is supposed to be round in my eyes. So I'd rather not lose weight or anything like that, but damn I could kill for some stamina and muscles along with my fine curves! Seriously! So, my problem is basically, how do I get in better shape so I get more stamina and become stronger, yet stay plump and curvy as I am right now. Anyone care to help me with that particular problem? I'd love any tip or help I could get.
My future is another case, which is several big cases all rolled up into one. It's starting to feel a bit heavy on my shoulders, and I figured it's about time I dealt with some of that weight.
I paid down the loan I took to buy my apartment, so now I'm almost completely free of debt. It's an insane feeling, I can tell you that. But it was actually a hard choice to make. I had the money to pay it down, but I could've chosen to use that money to pay for my driver's lessons, since I'm now going to try and get my driver's liscence, and buy x-mas gifts since it's only two months left until x-mas, and pay for a vacation I promised to go on with my family in easter next year that has already been reserved, and still live decently while slowly paying down my loan. But instead I've chosen to live on a really strict budget for the next half year or so, just so that I could get rid of that loan. Every single piece of leftover money I have needs to be put into savings to pay for my driver's lessons, x-mas gifts, and that vacation, which doesn't really leave a lot of room for actual fun. I hope I made the right choice.
And speaking of financial things and future...
I've decided that I want to sell my apartment, and buy a new one. I mean, I love this place, I really do, but I'm feeling uneasy again. It may just be my gypsy blood going haywire, again, but everything inside me tells me that it's time to move. And, truth be told, I want something a tiny bit bigger. I just want space, so I don't have to have half of my things stowed away in my parents' attic cause I don't have room for them! I feel cramped up, and I'm sick of it. I need to check up on a couple of things first, like if I'm even allowed to sell just yet, and how much of a loan I might be able to take up, but if everything cheks out at least somewhat according to plan, then I'll probably put up an ad and state that I'm considering selling the place. Who knows? Maybe I'll get lucky.
Besides, it would be nice to already have a more decent place to live, with a bit more space, if I'm to keep working on another one of my future plans. It was supposed to stay a secret, but I have a big mouth, and so does a lot of the people I've told, so in the end I think pretty much everyone knows by now. I'm attempting to become pregnant. Let me tell you; it's not as easy as it sounds! I'm single, and I'm a lesbian, which means that I have to pay a whole lot of money to get that to happen, not to mention leave the country. They don't do artificial insemination here in Norway unless you're married, and even then you don't even get to pick the donor yourself. Me, I'm pretty much without options here, which is why I've paid a lot of money to go out of the country to try to have it done. Twice.
Last year it was Denmark, and that didn't succeed, and this year it was Israel, which didn't work out either. I don't even want to think about the amount of money I put in for both attempts, and the fact that I now have two failed attempts behind me isn't exactly doing wonders for my mood. It's depressing, cause this is my biggest wish, and has been ever since I was a little girl, but I just got to keep trying. And keep saving up money to afford the trying. It's not the actual insemination, nor the donor, that's expensive, but the actual trip there to get it done. That's the only thing stopping me from trying again right away.
It's stupid, you know? Any 16-year-old can go out, get drunk, and fuck some random idiot and become pregnant, and that's all good. She'll get the support she needs. But a 27-year-old lesbian woman who is willing to do almost anything to become a mother (aside from actually fucking a male), she's rejected. I have no rights, here in Norway. Fucked up logics are fucked up.
Yeah, I've had a lot to think about this weekend, and my thoughts just keep crashing with eachother.
I also spent the weekend watching all of season one of Dark Angel, which was a royal kick in the nostalgic behind. And, of course, I also took the time to take care of some things in the apartment and do some work, which is something I always do when I have a lot on my mind. I think best when I'm moving, so I've kept moving around in the apartment and tried to keep busy most of the weekend.
I've lost a lot of contact with my work over the past year, which is probably a side-effect of actually having a life, for once, but it's gotten to the point where it's bothering me. I've had an art block for years now, which has killed most of my art work, but that shouldn't have kept me from the rest of my work. I need to re-connect some of the things I've lost my connection to. I really can't live without my work. It's a part of who I am, and without it I am empty and have no will to exist. I suppose that's a pretty good reason to kick myself back into gear, and pick up my work again.
And, ah, there's a rather big and important anniversary coming up next month. The 11th of November, to be exact. It's nothing exciting for anyone else, as it's a rather personal thing, but it's big enough that I want to celebrate it. So, it's highly likely that I'll be busy that day.
Lastly, before I finish this rather long and chatty entry, I just want to mention that TODAY I learned that Matchbox Twenty came out with a new CD this year, and it's pretty good. I've been listening to it most of the day. So, I'll leave you all with my favourite song from that new CD of theirs, and I'll see you guys around. Toodles~
Come Friday, I still feel like taking some time to myself, and decide on a "quiet weekend" of no social contact, for once. And just as I make a post about that on FB - you know, to warn the masses that they'll be deprived of my awesome presence so they can spend the weekend crying over that loss - I hear a knock on my door. I finish my status update and post it, then get up to get that door, cursing to myself and saying that this better be important. And there's my ex, dropping off a wedding invitation. Considering I haven't seen that face in quite literally a year, after we parted on somewhat ugly terms, it was quite a shock to swallow, and I found myself blessing my brain for having already decided on a quiet weekend, cause right there was another good reason to take some time to myself.
I swear, the gods that watch over me have a twisted sense of humour sometimes.
When it comes to the case of my ex, that is an entire chapter of its own, and in the end I've decided that it was a chapter that left quite a bit of mess that I'm not gonna clean up. I'm not gonna take the responsibility of it, cause I'm not the one that fucked up - for once - and I'm just gonna leave it at that. If my ex wanna clean it up, then I'll welcome that with open arms and we might just talk it over and become friends, but if not then it's just not worth it and I'm gonna learn to forget about it all. Case closed.
Moving on to other cases I've tackled this weekend...
My physical health is one, cause it's not exactly all that great. Part of that is because of how bad shape I am in, and I'd like to do something about that. But how do I get in better shape, without losing my actual shape? Thing is, I'm one of those freak women that likes having curves, and dun want to be one of them skinny bitches. I just don't think it's pretty when you're thin as a stick, and a real woman is supposed to be round in my eyes. So I'd rather not lose weight or anything like that, but damn I could kill for some stamina and muscles along with my fine curves! Seriously! So, my problem is basically, how do I get in better shape so I get more stamina and become stronger, yet stay plump and curvy as I am right now. Anyone care to help me with that particular problem? I'd love any tip or help I could get.
My future is another case, which is several big cases all rolled up into one. It's starting to feel a bit heavy on my shoulders, and I figured it's about time I dealt with some of that weight.
I paid down the loan I took to buy my apartment, so now I'm almost completely free of debt. It's an insane feeling, I can tell you that. But it was actually a hard choice to make. I had the money to pay it down, but I could've chosen to use that money to pay for my driver's lessons, since I'm now going to try and get my driver's liscence, and buy x-mas gifts since it's only two months left until x-mas, and pay for a vacation I promised to go on with my family in easter next year that has already been reserved, and still live decently while slowly paying down my loan. But instead I've chosen to live on a really strict budget for the next half year or so, just so that I could get rid of that loan. Every single piece of leftover money I have needs to be put into savings to pay for my driver's lessons, x-mas gifts, and that vacation, which doesn't really leave a lot of room for actual fun. I hope I made the right choice.
And speaking of financial things and future...
I've decided that I want to sell my apartment, and buy a new one. I mean, I love this place, I really do, but I'm feeling uneasy again. It may just be my gypsy blood going haywire, again, but everything inside me tells me that it's time to move. And, truth be told, I want something a tiny bit bigger. I just want space, so I don't have to have half of my things stowed away in my parents' attic cause I don't have room for them! I feel cramped up, and I'm sick of it. I need to check up on a couple of things first, like if I'm even allowed to sell just yet, and how much of a loan I might be able to take up, but if everything cheks out at least somewhat according to plan, then I'll probably put up an ad and state that I'm considering selling the place. Who knows? Maybe I'll get lucky.
Besides, it would be nice to already have a more decent place to live, with a bit more space, if I'm to keep working on another one of my future plans. It was supposed to stay a secret, but I have a big mouth, and so does a lot of the people I've told, so in the end I think pretty much everyone knows by now. I'm attempting to become pregnant. Let me tell you; it's not as easy as it sounds! I'm single, and I'm a lesbian, which means that I have to pay a whole lot of money to get that to happen, not to mention leave the country. They don't do artificial insemination here in Norway unless you're married, and even then you don't even get to pick the donor yourself. Me, I'm pretty much without options here, which is why I've paid a lot of money to go out of the country to try to have it done. Twice.
Last year it was Denmark, and that didn't succeed, and this year it was Israel, which didn't work out either. I don't even want to think about the amount of money I put in for both attempts, and the fact that I now have two failed attempts behind me isn't exactly doing wonders for my mood. It's depressing, cause this is my biggest wish, and has been ever since I was a little girl, but I just got to keep trying. And keep saving up money to afford the trying. It's not the actual insemination, nor the donor, that's expensive, but the actual trip there to get it done. That's the only thing stopping me from trying again right away.
It's stupid, you know? Any 16-year-old can go out, get drunk, and fuck some random idiot and become pregnant, and that's all good. She'll get the support she needs. But a 27-year-old lesbian woman who is willing to do almost anything to become a mother (aside from actually fucking a male), she's rejected. I have no rights, here in Norway. Fucked up logics are fucked up.
Yeah, I've had a lot to think about this weekend, and my thoughts just keep crashing with eachother.
I also spent the weekend watching all of season one of Dark Angel, which was a royal kick in the nostalgic behind. And, of course, I also took the time to take care of some things in the apartment and do some work, which is something I always do when I have a lot on my mind. I think best when I'm moving, so I've kept moving around in the apartment and tried to keep busy most of the weekend.
I've lost a lot of contact with my work over the past year, which is probably a side-effect of actually having a life, for once, but it's gotten to the point where it's bothering me. I've had an art block for years now, which has killed most of my art work, but that shouldn't have kept me from the rest of my work. I need to re-connect some of the things I've lost my connection to. I really can't live without my work. It's a part of who I am, and without it I am empty and have no will to exist. I suppose that's a pretty good reason to kick myself back into gear, and pick up my work again.
And, ah, there's a rather big and important anniversary coming up next month. The 11th of November, to be exact. It's nothing exciting for anyone else, as it's a rather personal thing, but it's big enough that I want to celebrate it. So, it's highly likely that I'll be busy that day.
Lastly, before I finish this rather long and chatty entry, I just want to mention that TODAY I learned that Matchbox Twenty came out with a new CD this year, and it's pretty good. I've been listening to it most of the day. So, I'll leave you all with my favourite song from that new CD of theirs, and I'll see you guys around. Toodles~
søndag 14. oktober 2012
Me, myself and us
Okay, I'm going to take a moment to talk about a somewhat strange subject, so please forgive me for this random and somewhat weird rambling. If this has no interest to you, then just move along and ignore this entry, although you are more than welcome to stay and read it all if you like. It might just help you learn a few things.
I'm going to talk about Split Personalities.
Do you know anyone with a diagnose like that? Like an actual official diagnose. Someone who's one person one minute, and the next suddenly acts completely different and might even answer to an entirely different name. How do you handle someone like that? How do you manage to.. I don't know.. Keep up with it? And just generally have someone like that in your life? And how do you know if they're actually real, or not just faking it, wearing masks just to manipulate you?
First off, what is split personalities? In the movies, they show one very common version of some sweet and kind person that, without even knowing it, suddenly takes on an entirely different personality and name that is like the evil version of themselves, and they switch back and forth. You know, that typical one, like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. But is that how it really is? Or is that just extreme cases?
I mean, I can't really question the existence of such a, what do you call it? Diagnose? Illness? Condition? I don't know. Whatever you call it, there are known cases that has been confirmed by actual doctors up over the years. If one are to believe such things, that is. I've been googling it, trying to find more information about it.
"Split personality is sometimes used to describe the psychiatric diagnosis Dissociative identity disorder."
-says Wikipedia.
So I click on the link to read about Dissociative identity disorder, and Wikipedia says this-
"Dissociative identity disorder (DID), also known as multiple personality disorder, is a mental disorder characterized by at least two distinct and relatively enduring identities or dissociated personality states that alternately control a person's behavior, and is accompanied by memory impairment for important information not explained by ordinary forgetfulness."
"The number of alters varies widely, with most patients identifying fewer than ten, though as many as 4,500 have been reported. The average number of alters has increased over the past few decades, from two or three to now an average of approximately 16. The primary identity, which often has the patient's given name, tends to be "passive, dependent, guilty and depressed" with other personalities or "alters" being more active, aggressive or hostile, and often containing more complete memories. Most identities are of ordinary people, though fictional, mythical, celebrity and animal alters have also been reported."
"Most dissociative disorder cases have co-morbid mental disorders."
"The most common presenting complaint of DID is depression, with headaches being a common neurological symptom. Co-morbid disorders can include substance abuse, eating, anxiety, posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and personality disorders."
"DID is one of the most controversial psychiatric disorders with no clear consensus regarding its diagnosis or treatment."
Wikipedia has a lot to say about this.. Condition. You can read about it yourself, if you want to know more. There was a lot to go through there...
I found a medical page as well, since Wikipedia can only be trusted to a certain length, and it said this-
"Most of us have experienced mild dissociation, which is like daydreaming or getting lost in the moment while working on a project. However, dissociative identity disorder is a severe form of dissociation, a mental process, which produces a lack of connection in a person's thoughts, memories, feelings, actions, or sense of identity."
"Dissociative identity disorder is characterized by the presence of two or more distinct or split identities or personality states that continually have power over the person's behavior."
Again, there was a lot to read through, and I only picked a couple of things to quote, but if you want to know more you can read through the article yourself. It had a lot of interesting things to say.
I can spend hours and hours reading around the internet and in books about the subject, but I mostly find the same kind of information. It's a difficult condition, both to diagnose and to deal with, and most commonly it manifests as different "minds" inhabiting one body, if I can use such words. I also want to include an actual explanation of someone who has been diagnosed with split personalities, and how she experiences it by quoting some of the things she has said.
"I hear voices sometimes, I do. But mainly I feel them, inside me. It's confusing, cause sometimes I become aware of having lost several hours, or even days, where I have memory of doing things I know I normally wouldn't do, and that I am certain that I actually didn't do. Someone else did those things, using my physical self to do them, cause the physical memories are often there. It's like we all share a common memory bank where all the information is stored, and that we can all access, though we also have our personal and private memories that the others can't access. Yeah, I use the term 'we' a lot, but you have to understand that it's hard to think of myself as one after all these years of being several.
We see ourselves as different people, but we're all inside the same physical being, which complicates things. Sometimes we argue about who's the 'real' one and should be in control the most, while other times we co-operate and switch between us depending on the situation we're. We mostly get along somewhat well, though there are exceptions. There are some that should never, ever come to the surface, cause it will cause a disaster.
Take one of the things you're really, really afraid of. A stupid example; zombies. Imagine that zombies are actually real, and that you're really, really afraid of them. Then imagine that there's an actual zombie living inside you, and that it constantly threatens to come out and destroy you and everything you love. If you can imagine how it's like to walk around and be constantly afraid of something inside yourself, then maybe you can imagine some of the fears that I have.
I have to admit though... After all this time, I'm not really sure who 'I' am anymore."
This is a rather special case, and the therapist treating this has stated that this specific case of split personalities is somewhat unique, partly because the patient is aware of it, and at the same time it's not. It's complicated, mainly because the patient is still having a lot of trouble accepting this condition, and is constantly battling to be a 'normal' person with one identity, which in turn causes the patient to hide behind the mask of one made up identity to prevent others from seeing all the other real identities.
Why am I reading up on all this, and why am I making an entry about it for you to read?
Because I'm trying to accept who I am, and stop hiding behind my mask.
And because this is my reality.
I want to start this explanation off by asking you to read an entry I wrote to another blog of mine (you're welcome to read the rest of the blog too, if you're bored and got nothing else to do). I wrote this entry in January, as an explanation to how my life has been, psychologically. Here's the entry.
My reality is a complicated one. I am diagnosed with split personalities, among a lot of other difficult things. A tiny list of the main things I've been diagnosed with is as follows:
But yes, the main thing I am talking about in this specific entry is my split personality disorder, which is something I've been trying to keep hidden all my life, cause it's not a diagnose I'm proud of in any way, and it's something that is hard for people to deal with. I'm having a really hard time accepting this diagnose, and I keep trying to find some other explanation to things, while I'm also trying really hard to pretend that I'm normal. Because I have several different identities, they all tend to hide behind the mask of one made up identity, so that I can at least attempt to portray one specific self to those around me.
But if we are to take away that mask, and look at the real identities underneath, how can I explain what is there? Depending on who of us you ask, you'll probably get different answers. Who I am right now as I am typing this is the most common personality to come by (and also the main personality, at least from my point of view), and what I will tell you is that we're several 'main' personalities with a little extra on the side. The ones I consider to be the main personalities is me, and two other, and we choose to see ourselves as a triangle. We're the same person, but three different sides of that person, and all three of us agree on that. But even though we see ourselves as the same person, we do not like to be addressed as such. We like people to see us as separate people. Don't ask me why, cause I'm not sure why. But that's how it is.
Aside from us three, the triangle of main personalities, I can't really say much. We tend to disagree a lot on that subject, and because I don't want to cause an argument, I'm not going to go too much in on it. I'm just going to state my personal point of view, being that aside from the triangle you have a lot of different minds - or basically people/persons - sharing the same physical body, and just leave it at that. I know what a lot of the others would say about this, but since I'm the one currently writing this, I choose to just state my personal opinion.
But hey, if you want other opinions, just catch any of my other selves when they're around, and ask them.
I guess that what I'm trying to say with this entry, is basically to confess about my main problem that I've tried to keep hidden, and share it with you so you know. I don't expect you to understand, and it's okay that you don't accept it and don't want to deal with, as long as you can at least respect it and how hard it is for me to deal with it. And also, maybe, if you've caught me doing the shifting, this can perhaps explain it to you, so you're a little less confused.
I really don't know what else to say. If you still feel like you need to know more, you are more than welcome to ask me, or us, questions. We actually encourage that. Depending on who's around, you'll get different answers, as previously mentioned, but most of us are very open and will do our best to answer whatever question you might have. I really, really do wish that people can understand this, and maybe one day even accept it so that maybe I can learn myself to accept it and live with it.
And, if you actually did take your time to read all this, then I thank you from the bottom of my heart. It actually means more to me than you'll ever know.
I'm going to talk about Split Personalities.
Do you know anyone with a diagnose like that? Like an actual official diagnose. Someone who's one person one minute, and the next suddenly acts completely different and might even answer to an entirely different name. How do you handle someone like that? How do you manage to.. I don't know.. Keep up with it? And just generally have someone like that in your life? And how do you know if they're actually real, or not just faking it, wearing masks just to manipulate you?
First off, what is split personalities? In the movies, they show one very common version of some sweet and kind person that, without even knowing it, suddenly takes on an entirely different personality and name that is like the evil version of themselves, and they switch back and forth. You know, that typical one, like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. But is that how it really is? Or is that just extreme cases?
I mean, I can't really question the existence of such a, what do you call it? Diagnose? Illness? Condition? I don't know. Whatever you call it, there are known cases that has been confirmed by actual doctors up over the years. If one are to believe such things, that is. I've been googling it, trying to find more information about it.
"Split personality is sometimes used to describe the psychiatric diagnosis Dissociative identity disorder."
-says Wikipedia.
So I click on the link to read about Dissociative identity disorder, and Wikipedia says this-
"Dissociative identity disorder (DID), also known as multiple personality disorder, is a mental disorder characterized by at least two distinct and relatively enduring identities or dissociated personality states that alternately control a person's behavior, and is accompanied by memory impairment for important information not explained by ordinary forgetfulness."
"The number of alters varies widely, with most patients identifying fewer than ten, though as many as 4,500 have been reported. The average number of alters has increased over the past few decades, from two or three to now an average of approximately 16. The primary identity, which often has the patient's given name, tends to be "passive, dependent, guilty and depressed" with other personalities or "alters" being more active, aggressive or hostile, and often containing more complete memories. Most identities are of ordinary people, though fictional, mythical, celebrity and animal alters have also been reported."
"Most dissociative disorder cases have co-morbid mental disorders."
"The most common presenting complaint of DID is depression, with headaches being a common neurological symptom. Co-morbid disorders can include substance abuse, eating, anxiety, posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and personality disorders."
"DID is one of the most controversial psychiatric disorders with no clear consensus regarding its diagnosis or treatment."
Wikipedia has a lot to say about this.. Condition. You can read about it yourself, if you want to know more. There was a lot to go through there...
I found a medical page as well, since Wikipedia can only be trusted to a certain length, and it said this-
"Most of us have experienced mild dissociation, which is like daydreaming or getting lost in the moment while working on a project. However, dissociative identity disorder is a severe form of dissociation, a mental process, which produces a lack of connection in a person's thoughts, memories, feelings, actions, or sense of identity."
"Dissociative identity disorder is characterized by the presence of two or more distinct or split identities or personality states that continually have power over the person's behavior."
Again, there was a lot to read through, and I only picked a couple of things to quote, but if you want to know more you can read through the article yourself. It had a lot of interesting things to say.
I can spend hours and hours reading around the internet and in books about the subject, but I mostly find the same kind of information. It's a difficult condition, both to diagnose and to deal with, and most commonly it manifests as different "minds" inhabiting one body, if I can use such words. I also want to include an actual explanation of someone who has been diagnosed with split personalities, and how she experiences it by quoting some of the things she has said.
"I hear voices sometimes, I do. But mainly I feel them, inside me. It's confusing, cause sometimes I become aware of having lost several hours, or even days, where I have memory of doing things I know I normally wouldn't do, and that I am certain that I actually didn't do. Someone else did those things, using my physical self to do them, cause the physical memories are often there. It's like we all share a common memory bank where all the information is stored, and that we can all access, though we also have our personal and private memories that the others can't access. Yeah, I use the term 'we' a lot, but you have to understand that it's hard to think of myself as one after all these years of being several.
We see ourselves as different people, but we're all inside the same physical being, which complicates things. Sometimes we argue about who's the 'real' one and should be in control the most, while other times we co-operate and switch between us depending on the situation we're. We mostly get along somewhat well, though there are exceptions. There are some that should never, ever come to the surface, cause it will cause a disaster.
Take one of the things you're really, really afraid of. A stupid example; zombies. Imagine that zombies are actually real, and that you're really, really afraid of them. Then imagine that there's an actual zombie living inside you, and that it constantly threatens to come out and destroy you and everything you love. If you can imagine how it's like to walk around and be constantly afraid of something inside yourself, then maybe you can imagine some of the fears that I have.
I have to admit though... After all this time, I'm not really sure who 'I' am anymore."
This is a rather special case, and the therapist treating this has stated that this specific case of split personalities is somewhat unique, partly because the patient is aware of it, and at the same time it's not. It's complicated, mainly because the patient is still having a lot of trouble accepting this condition, and is constantly battling to be a 'normal' person with one identity, which in turn causes the patient to hide behind the mask of one made up identity to prevent others from seeing all the other real identities.
Why am I reading up on all this, and why am I making an entry about it for you to read?
Because I'm trying to accept who I am, and stop hiding behind my mask.
And because this is my reality.
I want to start this explanation off by asking you to read an entry I wrote to another blog of mine (you're welcome to read the rest of the blog too, if you're bored and got nothing else to do). I wrote this entry in January, as an explanation to how my life has been, psychologically. Here's the entry.
My reality is a complicated one. I am diagnosed with split personalities, among a lot of other difficult things. A tiny list of the main things I've been diagnosed with is as follows:
- Split Personalities
- General Anxious Personality Disorder
- Depression and Anxiety
- Avoidant Personality Disorder
- Dependent Personality Disorder
But yes, the main thing I am talking about in this specific entry is my split personality disorder, which is something I've been trying to keep hidden all my life, cause it's not a diagnose I'm proud of in any way, and it's something that is hard for people to deal with. I'm having a really hard time accepting this diagnose, and I keep trying to find some other explanation to things, while I'm also trying really hard to pretend that I'm normal. Because I have several different identities, they all tend to hide behind the mask of one made up identity, so that I can at least attempt to portray one specific self to those around me.
But if we are to take away that mask, and look at the real identities underneath, how can I explain what is there? Depending on who of us you ask, you'll probably get different answers. Who I am right now as I am typing this is the most common personality to come by (and also the main personality, at least from my point of view), and what I will tell you is that we're several 'main' personalities with a little extra on the side. The ones I consider to be the main personalities is me, and two other, and we choose to see ourselves as a triangle. We're the same person, but three different sides of that person, and all three of us agree on that. But even though we see ourselves as the same person, we do not like to be addressed as such. We like people to see us as separate people. Don't ask me why, cause I'm not sure why. But that's how it is.
Aside from us three, the triangle of main personalities, I can't really say much. We tend to disagree a lot on that subject, and because I don't want to cause an argument, I'm not going to go too much in on it. I'm just going to state my personal point of view, being that aside from the triangle you have a lot of different minds - or basically people/persons - sharing the same physical body, and just leave it at that. I know what a lot of the others would say about this, but since I'm the one currently writing this, I choose to just state my personal opinion.
But hey, if you want other opinions, just catch any of my other selves when they're around, and ask them.
I guess that what I'm trying to say with this entry, is basically to confess about my main problem that I've tried to keep hidden, and share it with you so you know. I don't expect you to understand, and it's okay that you don't accept it and don't want to deal with, as long as you can at least respect it and how hard it is for me to deal with it. And also, maybe, if you've caught me doing the shifting, this can perhaps explain it to you, so you're a little less confused.
I really don't know what else to say. If you still feel like you need to know more, you are more than welcome to ask me, or us, questions. We actually encourage that. Depending on who's around, you'll get different answers, as previously mentioned, but most of us are very open and will do our best to answer whatever question you might have. I really, really do wish that people can understand this, and maybe one day even accept it so that maybe I can learn myself to accept it and live with it.
And, if you actually did take your time to read all this, then I thank you from the bottom of my heart. It actually means more to me than you'll ever know.
lørdag 6. oktober 2012
Icon, Updates and Ramblings
OH HAI DER~ Come on in, sit down, and have some updates.
So, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday I attended Icon, which is a convention held in Tel Aviv here in Israel, and I got to try out my first proper cosplay. Icon was bloody amazing~ I had such a brilliant time, and got to meet so many amazing people and make new friends, and 'm pretty sure my cosplay was a success. For you curious peeps out there that weren't at the con and want to see it, here you are:
Check my deviantArt to see the full-size version of that picture, thank you~
The day after the last con day, Friday, I woke up and realized that I am completely and utterly exhausted, both physically and mentally. Also, I woke up to a text from my biological father saying that he had put a rose down for me on my grandfather's grave, which reminded me that it was his funeral and I wasn't there to attend it. Kind of put a bit of a damper on my day, that. So, I decided to just take the rest of the day to myself and do nothing but work, and try to shut out the world a bit. I think I needed that. Would you believe me if I told you that the anti-social creature that is me has not had a single day to herself for 3 months now? I know, it's crazy. I'm so used to being alone all the time, so the fact that I've been surrounded by people almost 24-7 so long is just insane. Just for that alone, I'm looking forward to going home to Norway so I can retreat to my apartment and just relax for a while. Do some anti-social gaming nights and such and just have some me-time. It's a good plan.
But aside from that (and the fact that I miss my friends and family horribly much, since I haven't seen them in 2 months now), I have to say I'm really sad about leaving Israel. I really like it here, and I've met such awesome people that I've befriended, and the thought of leaving them all is heartbreaking. I honestly don't want to think about it, cause it's kind of depressing. ;_; But, hopefully I'll come back here and meet everyone again sometime in a not too distant future. Everyone wants me to come back next year, but I'll have to wait and see what happens. I got more traveling plans, along with some private plans, so I'm not sure if I have the time nor the money to come back to Israel as soon as next year. Maybe the year after that...?
So, what else can I say?
I don't know. My head is in a bit of a blur again, and I'm in a weird mood. And I keep getting that strange feeling of being called for, which is strange cause I haven't felt that in quite a while. Okay, yeah, time-out, sorry. For those new readers who don't know, I tend to hear, see and sense things that a lot of other people don't, and every now and then I "hear" things from.. I don't even know where. I just know that it's not here, in the physical realm as we know it. Most of the time I tend to just put it all on hold and focus on the world around me (cause I'm stupid like that), but every now and then I have periods where I can't block it out. And I guess I'm heading into one of those periods again, cause I swear I keep feeling like someone is calling for me. Maybe this is a good period to start doing card readings again? Hmm....
Art wise my muse kind of disappeared again. Not entirely out of my art block yet, but at least I've started working again on my own projects to make up for the lack of art making. I'm extremely active on GaiaOnline again, and my art request there is slowly starting to blossom. AND! I'm saving up to host another art contest there, so if you're a member then you should stalk me. I mean, look me up and make contact? Yeah, something like that. My name there is KeyJester, as it is on most places, so don't be afraid to say hi.
Aaaand.. Yeah. That's it for now, I suppose. So, as a closure to this entry, listen to this awesome song that I've had on repeat while writing this, and have a great day/night/whatever~
So, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday I attended Icon, which is a convention held in Tel Aviv here in Israel, and I got to try out my first proper cosplay. Icon was bloody amazing~ I had such a brilliant time, and got to meet so many amazing people and make new friends, and 'm pretty sure my cosplay was a success. For you curious peeps out there that weren't at the con and want to see it, here you are:
Check my deviantArt to see the full-size version of that picture, thank you~
The day after the last con day, Friday, I woke up and realized that I am completely and utterly exhausted, both physically and mentally. Also, I woke up to a text from my biological father saying that he had put a rose down for me on my grandfather's grave, which reminded me that it was his funeral and I wasn't there to attend it. Kind of put a bit of a damper on my day, that. So, I decided to just take the rest of the day to myself and do nothing but work, and try to shut out the world a bit. I think I needed that. Would you believe me if I told you that the anti-social creature that is me has not had a single day to herself for 3 months now? I know, it's crazy. I'm so used to being alone all the time, so the fact that I've been surrounded by people almost 24-7 so long is just insane. Just for that alone, I'm looking forward to going home to Norway so I can retreat to my apartment and just relax for a while. Do some anti-social gaming nights and such and just have some me-time. It's a good plan.
But aside from that (and the fact that I miss my friends and family horribly much, since I haven't seen them in 2 months now), I have to say I'm really sad about leaving Israel. I really like it here, and I've met such awesome people that I've befriended, and the thought of leaving them all is heartbreaking. I honestly don't want to think about it, cause it's kind of depressing. ;_; But, hopefully I'll come back here and meet everyone again sometime in a not too distant future. Everyone wants me to come back next year, but I'll have to wait and see what happens. I got more traveling plans, along with some private plans, so I'm not sure if I have the time nor the money to come back to Israel as soon as next year. Maybe the year after that...?
So, what else can I say?
I don't know. My head is in a bit of a blur again, and I'm in a weird mood. And I keep getting that strange feeling of being called for, which is strange cause I haven't felt that in quite a while. Okay, yeah, time-out, sorry. For those new readers who don't know, I tend to hear, see and sense things that a lot of other people don't, and every now and then I "hear" things from.. I don't even know where. I just know that it's not here, in the physical realm as we know it. Most of the time I tend to just put it all on hold and focus on the world around me (cause I'm stupid like that), but every now and then I have periods where I can't block it out. And I guess I'm heading into one of those periods again, cause I swear I keep feeling like someone is calling for me. Maybe this is a good period to start doing card readings again? Hmm....
Art wise my muse kind of disappeared again. Not entirely out of my art block yet, but at least I've started working again on my own projects to make up for the lack of art making. I'm extremely active on GaiaOnline again, and my art request there is slowly starting to blossom. AND! I'm saving up to host another art contest there, so if you're a member then you should stalk me. I mean, look me up and make contact? Yeah, something like that. My name there is KeyJester, as it is on most places, so don't be afraid to say hi.
Aaaand.. Yeah. That's it for now, I suppose. So, as a closure to this entry, listen to this awesome song that I've had on repeat while writing this, and have a great day/night/whatever~
mandag 1. oktober 2012
Israel + BrainThingsInMyHead
Life just made a funny, but I don't know on whose behalf.
Should I be laughing?
I laugh at you, for all the things you're missing out on.
I see you're being swallowed by your mistakes, but you don't even notice.
I'm glad you don't know what you're missing.
Even someone as heartless as you, would cry if you only knew..
Don't even ask. A creature visited me last night and kept me from sleeping, whispering strange things into my ear. I'm not sure she completely left, but whatever.
That aside! Wow. It's been ages since my last update. I do feel kind of ashamed, I do, but only kind of. I've been busy, and life's been hectic. Oh, and I'm in Israel. *w* I've been here for almost two months now! And there's only a little over two weeks left until I go back to Norway. So, I figured this would be a good time to give you all some updates~
First off, Israel!
Wow, what can I say? Israel is amazing! It's warm and sunny and nice, and the people here are really awesome. And I would just like to say that the general image the rest of the world has of this country is completely ridicules. People here aren't evil, or blowing things up, or waging war. That's just media bullshit. Yeah, I see a lot of soldiers and police people walking around with large guns, but it's all to make sure people are safe. All in all, this place is a quiet and nice place. People may be rude towards eachother a lot, cause the Israeli are temperamental creatures, and they yell at eachother and cut in line. But their guests? The people visiting the country - tourists, like me - are treated almost as royal! They're all so kind to me, helping me with anything and everything, and always wanting to know more about me. It's really nice. ^^
And, omg, I've seen so many amazing things. I've been to the ocean down in the south, beside the borders to Jordan and Egypt, and spent a weekend at an amazing hotel. And I've out in the desert in the middle of the night, watching a meteor shower. I've seen Jerusalem, Tel Aviv, and many other small places. And, wow, I've met so many amazing people! I have to admit, I'm kind of not looking forward to going home and leaving this amazing place.
Some of my plans for this trip didn't quite go as planned, but that's okay. I've had such an amazing time here that it's all worth it, and I'll never regret taking this trip. And I'll definitely come back here! I'll do my best to enjoy my last couple of weeks, by going to a gaming convention, desert camping, visiting the old city, and whatever else we have time for. It'll be awesome.
I think everyone should take a trip down here and see the wonders of Israel~
Then, there's the BrainThingsInMyHead.
Yeah, I have a lot on my mind again. I'm having an amazing vacation, but that doesn't really spare me the occasional worries and troubles that appear. They come and go, and leave heavy thoughts in the corner of my mind, and a headache.
My life right now is right where I want it to be. I haven't been this healthy in years, and I'm surrounded by amazing friends and loved ones, and I have most things I could wish for. I feel really lucky to be where I am today. But as people keep pointing out, there's still room for improvement. Mainly, I need to cut some chains that bind me, and finally rid my life of certain people that poisons me and my life. Which is anything but easy, but I know they're all right when they tell me I need to do it.
First and foremost, the main problem is my biological father. We've had a bad relationship for as long as I can remember, as he is the main cause for why I've been so sick all my life. He's a difficult man, and he troubles me... My doctor has more or less ordered me to remove him from my life, cause he makes me sick, but I've never had the courage to. Then, soon after I arrived here in Israel, I was told of some bad things he had said about me, and I figured that this was it. I did the most common thing people do these days when they want to "remove" people from their life, and deleted him from my facebook. It's a stupid and meaningless thing to do, yet it made me feel a bit better.
Then he tried to call me a while back. Now, since I can't answer the phone while I'm here, I ignored it, but I was left a wreck the rest of the day. Then I learn from my mum that my grandfather was on his deathbed, so that's why my father tried to call me. I texted him then, telling him I couldn't answer my phone, but that I knew what was going on and that I was sorry. And he replied that he hoped everything was well with me. And, wow, that of all things made me cry. Somehow, it's easier to deal with him when he's being an asshole and I can just shut him out, but when he's being nice and caring, it just breaks my heart to push him away. I'm such a softie...
And now my grandfather is dead. Which was harder to deal with than I thought. It actually made me cry. And I do feel very sorry for my father, cause I know it's hard for him, and I do love him, but I still don't want to deal with him. I'm not sure what to do with it all...
Also, I have someone else on my facebook that I shouldn't have on my friendlist, namely my ex. I don't get any news feeds, cause I've shut off that option, but still... I just have a hard time letting go, I guess. It's not that I want her back in my life again, cause I can't forgive how she treated me and how she hurt me. Not this time. But I've been holding on to the old memories by having her there, cause I still care for her and hope she's doing well.
But I suppose it's time I deleted her as well. Everyone keeps telling me to, cause they tell me she's poison for me. That she's a psychopath that has done nothing but manipulate and use me. I don't completely agree with them, but I'm not blind anymore and I can see that she hasn't been good for me. I gave her everything, and hardly got anything in return. She kept me on the fence, never letting me go while never really letting me close either. And I don't have anything to give her anymore. She emptied me, and I don't want to return to that place again. I'll always love her, that I will not lie about, but I suppose I just need to try and turn my back on her and everything surrounding her, and just forget.
I need to learn not to keep loving those who doesn't deserve my love.
Aaaand, I suppose I should face the parts of my family that I don't want to face as well, and deal with all the crap there. I've been ignoring the parts of my family that hurts me for a long time now, but it's probably time I stopped running and just faced it all. Which is something I'll do when I come back home again.
I guess I have a lot to do when I come back home.
But, in the end, I'm sure it'll all turn out just fine. I've got some pretty awesome guardians taking care of me, and I'm surrounded by amazing friends, and a loving family, so how could it not? And it's important to never forget; whatever happens, happens for a reason. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be, and it'll happen no matter what. What's not to be, won't ever be, no matter what you do. So, why worry?
Just be yourself, and be happy~
Should I be laughing?
I laugh at you, for all the things you're missing out on.
I see you're being swallowed by your mistakes, but you don't even notice.
I'm glad you don't know what you're missing.
Even someone as heartless as you, would cry if you only knew..
Don't even ask. A creature visited me last night and kept me from sleeping, whispering strange things into my ear. I'm not sure she completely left, but whatever.
That aside! Wow. It's been ages since my last update. I do feel kind of ashamed, I do, but only kind of. I've been busy, and life's been hectic. Oh, and I'm in Israel. *w* I've been here for almost two months now! And there's only a little over two weeks left until I go back to Norway. So, I figured this would be a good time to give you all some updates~
First off, Israel!
Wow, what can I say? Israel is amazing! It's warm and sunny and nice, and the people here are really awesome. And I would just like to say that the general image the rest of the world has of this country is completely ridicules. People here aren't evil, or blowing things up, or waging war. That's just media bullshit. Yeah, I see a lot of soldiers and police people walking around with large guns, but it's all to make sure people are safe. All in all, this place is a quiet and nice place. People may be rude towards eachother a lot, cause the Israeli are temperamental creatures, and they yell at eachother and cut in line. But their guests? The people visiting the country - tourists, like me - are treated almost as royal! They're all so kind to me, helping me with anything and everything, and always wanting to know more about me. It's really nice. ^^
And, omg, I've seen so many amazing things. I've been to the ocean down in the south, beside the borders to Jordan and Egypt, and spent a weekend at an amazing hotel. And I've out in the desert in the middle of the night, watching a meteor shower. I've seen Jerusalem, Tel Aviv, and many other small places. And, wow, I've met so many amazing people! I have to admit, I'm kind of not looking forward to going home and leaving this amazing place.
Some of my plans for this trip didn't quite go as planned, but that's okay. I've had such an amazing time here that it's all worth it, and I'll never regret taking this trip. And I'll definitely come back here! I'll do my best to enjoy my last couple of weeks, by going to a gaming convention, desert camping, visiting the old city, and whatever else we have time for. It'll be awesome.
I think everyone should take a trip down here and see the wonders of Israel~
Then, there's the BrainThingsInMyHead.
Yeah, I have a lot on my mind again. I'm having an amazing vacation, but that doesn't really spare me the occasional worries and troubles that appear. They come and go, and leave heavy thoughts in the corner of my mind, and a headache.
My life right now is right where I want it to be. I haven't been this healthy in years, and I'm surrounded by amazing friends and loved ones, and I have most things I could wish for. I feel really lucky to be where I am today. But as people keep pointing out, there's still room for improvement. Mainly, I need to cut some chains that bind me, and finally rid my life of certain people that poisons me and my life. Which is anything but easy, but I know they're all right when they tell me I need to do it.
First and foremost, the main problem is my biological father. We've had a bad relationship for as long as I can remember, as he is the main cause for why I've been so sick all my life. He's a difficult man, and he troubles me... My doctor has more or less ordered me to remove him from my life, cause he makes me sick, but I've never had the courage to. Then, soon after I arrived here in Israel, I was told of some bad things he had said about me, and I figured that this was it. I did the most common thing people do these days when they want to "remove" people from their life, and deleted him from my facebook. It's a stupid and meaningless thing to do, yet it made me feel a bit better.
Then he tried to call me a while back. Now, since I can't answer the phone while I'm here, I ignored it, but I was left a wreck the rest of the day. Then I learn from my mum that my grandfather was on his deathbed, so that's why my father tried to call me. I texted him then, telling him I couldn't answer my phone, but that I knew what was going on and that I was sorry. And he replied that he hoped everything was well with me. And, wow, that of all things made me cry. Somehow, it's easier to deal with him when he's being an asshole and I can just shut him out, but when he's being nice and caring, it just breaks my heart to push him away. I'm such a softie...
And now my grandfather is dead. Which was harder to deal with than I thought. It actually made me cry. And I do feel very sorry for my father, cause I know it's hard for him, and I do love him, but I still don't want to deal with him. I'm not sure what to do with it all...
Also, I have someone else on my facebook that I shouldn't have on my friendlist, namely my ex. I don't get any news feeds, cause I've shut off that option, but still... I just have a hard time letting go, I guess. It's not that I want her back in my life again, cause I can't forgive how she treated me and how she hurt me. Not this time. But I've been holding on to the old memories by having her there, cause I still care for her and hope she's doing well.
But I suppose it's time I deleted her as well. Everyone keeps telling me to, cause they tell me she's poison for me. That she's a psychopath that has done nothing but manipulate and use me. I don't completely agree with them, but I'm not blind anymore and I can see that she hasn't been good for me. I gave her everything, and hardly got anything in return. She kept me on the fence, never letting me go while never really letting me close either. And I don't have anything to give her anymore. She emptied me, and I don't want to return to that place again. I'll always love her, that I will not lie about, but I suppose I just need to try and turn my back on her and everything surrounding her, and just forget.
I need to learn not to keep loving those who doesn't deserve my love.
Aaaand, I suppose I should face the parts of my family that I don't want to face as well, and deal with all the crap there. I've been ignoring the parts of my family that hurts me for a long time now, but it's probably time I stopped running and just faced it all. Which is something I'll do when I come back home again.
I guess I have a lot to do when I come back home.
But, in the end, I'm sure it'll all turn out just fine. I've got some pretty awesome guardians taking care of me, and I'm surrounded by amazing friends, and a loving family, so how could it not? And it's important to never forget; whatever happens, happens for a reason. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be, and it'll happen no matter what. What's not to be, won't ever be, no matter what you do. So, why worry?
Just be yourself, and be happy~
onsdag 30. mai 2012
Get a life
Do you ever get that? If you're a gamer, or generally a geek of some sort that spend a lot of time doing things that aren't really considered to be normal, do people often tell you to get a life? I get that from time to time, and every time I go through a very long range of emotions.
At first it's anger, and I get so mad at people, wondering what the fuck their problem is, and how the fuck they dare compare me to them and what they consider to be a good life. I mean, seriously? So, just because I don't spend my time doing so-called "normal" things, I'm a zombie? I'm dead? I have no life? That's just stupid. Just because YOU don't consider gaming to be a good way to spend your time, doesn't automatically make me someone without a life because I play. I actually enjoy it. A lot. So shut the fuck up, and stop pestering me! My life ain't yours, so I get to live it however I want! I honestly want to punch people in the face at first, because they're being such ignorant idiotic fuckfaces, and they deserve a good punch.
Then I move on to some strange and hard to define kind of emotion, similar to frustration, where I just sit and shake my head while rolling my eyes, wondering how people can be so stupid. They make fun of me and look down on me because I do something they don't consider to be "important". As if they're better than me. I mean, what the fuck is wrong with them? It's not as if I do that to them. Have they even stopped to consider that they might actually be the ones in need of a life, and not me? I don't have their interests, so I don't want to live my life the way they do, and still I don't pester them about it. We all have different views on what is enjoyable and what is not, so looking down on and making fun of people not sharing your views makes you petty. I had enough of bullying back when I was in school, so if they're just gonna make fun of me then they can just shut up and leave me the fuck alone.
Thirdly I end up in pity, and I honestly pity them and their narrow minds. How sad their lives must be, when they participate in such a small part of what this world has to offer, and how sad it must be to be so ignorant of it all. It's sad how they can only see certain things as important enough to give you a good life, and ignore all the rest as trivial or silly. And it's sad how they can look down on others, thinking themselves better and happier, when in fact most of them aren't really that happy at all. Most of them just think they're happy. I just feel sorry for them. They live inside their own little box, thinking that the contents of that box is all you need to have a good life, and the moment they move out of that box or they lose one of the things inside it, they break down.
I just feel so sorry for people who don't have the imagination to submerge themselves in other - imaginary - worlds, cause the moment their "real" world isn't good enough, or cause them too much pain, they have nowhere else to go.
Lastly I settle down with pride, and I can't help but take pride in the life that I have, and how happy I am with it. I am a gamer, and I am proud of it. Thanks to my "lack of life" I have friends all over the world, and I'll always have someone to talk to no matter what time of the day it is. I also get to experience so much more, because my life consists of several worlds. I'm not restricted to the real world alone. I can go out, meet real people, have a cup of coffee or a beer, party and get drunk, and have fun, but I can also log on to any online site or game and more or less take over the world by fighting fiends and making friends that are on the other side of the planet. Hell, even when I play a single player game, like Final Fantasy, I get to experience a different world. It's like watching a movie, only that you play the main character and decide what it does and who it fights. How awesome is that? I have dozens of worlds I am a part of, and have a life within, so the moment one of those worlds or "lives" makes me feel bad, I can dive into another until I have the strength to deal with it.
I really do have the best of both worlds, in every possible way, and my life is fantastic because of that. I have a life, and a great one I wouldn't trade for anything in the world at that, so when people tell me to get a life I end up just laughing in the end. And I want to tell them "if you were me, you'd kill to have my life."
Don't assume I have no life just because I spend a lot of time gaming, and don't look down on me just because I don't have the same interests as you. That just makes you a small, small person. No matter what you do, as long as it's your choice to do it, you have a life. A good life. And people should always be respected for it and not made fun of just because they have different interests. What's important is that you're happy, and that you're happy because of the choices you've made yourself.
I am happy. Half of my life is within the real world, with real people I can meet whenever I want, while the other half of my life is within other "imaginary" and virtual worlds, where I can be whomever I want to be and do whatever I want to do. My life consists of so many exciting things, and people, and both my "real" life and my "virtual" life go hand in hand.
All I ever ask is that, even if you don't share my interests, or understand them, that you respect them, and me. Respect my choices. And be happy that I have the life I want to have. If you do that, I'll respect you and be happy for you in return. As simple as that.
At first it's anger, and I get so mad at people, wondering what the fuck their problem is, and how the fuck they dare compare me to them and what they consider to be a good life. I mean, seriously? So, just because I don't spend my time doing so-called "normal" things, I'm a zombie? I'm dead? I have no life? That's just stupid. Just because YOU don't consider gaming to be a good way to spend your time, doesn't automatically make me someone without a life because I play. I actually enjoy it. A lot. So shut the fuck up, and stop pestering me! My life ain't yours, so I get to live it however I want! I honestly want to punch people in the face at first, because they're being such ignorant idiotic fuckfaces, and they deserve a good punch.
Then I move on to some strange and hard to define kind of emotion, similar to frustration, where I just sit and shake my head while rolling my eyes, wondering how people can be so stupid. They make fun of me and look down on me because I do something they don't consider to be "important". As if they're better than me. I mean, what the fuck is wrong with them? It's not as if I do that to them. Have they even stopped to consider that they might actually be the ones in need of a life, and not me? I don't have their interests, so I don't want to live my life the way they do, and still I don't pester them about it. We all have different views on what is enjoyable and what is not, so looking down on and making fun of people not sharing your views makes you petty. I had enough of bullying back when I was in school, so if they're just gonna make fun of me then they can just shut up and leave me the fuck alone.
Thirdly I end up in pity, and I honestly pity them and their narrow minds. How sad their lives must be, when they participate in such a small part of what this world has to offer, and how sad it must be to be so ignorant of it all. It's sad how they can only see certain things as important enough to give you a good life, and ignore all the rest as trivial or silly. And it's sad how they can look down on others, thinking themselves better and happier, when in fact most of them aren't really that happy at all. Most of them just think they're happy. I just feel sorry for them. They live inside their own little box, thinking that the contents of that box is all you need to have a good life, and the moment they move out of that box or they lose one of the things inside it, they break down.
I just feel so sorry for people who don't have the imagination to submerge themselves in other - imaginary - worlds, cause the moment their "real" world isn't good enough, or cause them too much pain, they have nowhere else to go.
Lastly I settle down with pride, and I can't help but take pride in the life that I have, and how happy I am with it. I am a gamer, and I am proud of it. Thanks to my "lack of life" I have friends all over the world, and I'll always have someone to talk to no matter what time of the day it is. I also get to experience so much more, because my life consists of several worlds. I'm not restricted to the real world alone. I can go out, meet real people, have a cup of coffee or a beer, party and get drunk, and have fun, but I can also log on to any online site or game and more or less take over the world by fighting fiends and making friends that are on the other side of the planet. Hell, even when I play a single player game, like Final Fantasy, I get to experience a different world. It's like watching a movie, only that you play the main character and decide what it does and who it fights. How awesome is that? I have dozens of worlds I am a part of, and have a life within, so the moment one of those worlds or "lives" makes me feel bad, I can dive into another until I have the strength to deal with it.
I really do have the best of both worlds, in every possible way, and my life is fantastic because of that. I have a life, and a great one I wouldn't trade for anything in the world at that, so when people tell me to get a life I end up just laughing in the end. And I want to tell them "if you were me, you'd kill to have my life."
Don't assume I have no life just because I spend a lot of time gaming, and don't look down on me just because I don't have the same interests as you. That just makes you a small, small person. No matter what you do, as long as it's your choice to do it, you have a life. A good life. And people should always be respected for it and not made fun of just because they have different interests. What's important is that you're happy, and that you're happy because of the choices you've made yourself.
I am happy. Half of my life is within the real world, with real people I can meet whenever I want, while the other half of my life is within other "imaginary" and virtual worlds, where I can be whomever I want to be and do whatever I want to do. My life consists of so many exciting things, and people, and both my "real" life and my "virtual" life go hand in hand.
All I ever ask is that, even if you don't share my interests, or understand them, that you respect them, and me. Respect my choices. And be happy that I have the life I want to have. If you do that, I'll respect you and be happy for you in return. As simple as that.
torsdag 24. mai 2012
Changes and updates
I did some small changes to this blog, because I've been meaning to for a while now, and it looks good at least as a temporary solution. I figured that since so much have changed elsewhere, it was about time my blog changed a bit too.
A small run-through of the changes~
To personalize the page a bit, I made a simple new background using one of my favourite jester pics (could've made it fancier and all, but I'm lazy), and I also made a simple header instead of using a title up there. It's quickly done, all of it, but it's decent enough.
I changed the about me section, cause I figured that long blurb about me was just annoying, and just made it simple with some few keywords about me. =P
The Linkings section was added, with links to some of the more important places. The first is my other blog that is updated weekly with progress on my quest for the year, while the others are my deviantart page as well as my facebook page. I'll add in more links when I can think of them. =3
I also moved that vaourite poem of mine up from the bottom of the page and put it in the sidebar instead, to save space.
Simple changes, but I think it looks a lot better now. ^^
What else have changed in my life? Well, only everything. Though mostly me. It's hard to put into words how much have changed, and how and why, but trust me when I say that though it may not look like it, nothing is the same anymore. It took months to get to this point, but it was worth it. I'm definitely running on some completely new tracks now, and it feels good. I'm not gonna blabber on about it all in here, but I'm just gonna say that I've kind of restarted this game called life, with a new character that I'm gonna work on leveling this year. ;p
And speaking of games, after several months of being inactive, I'm back into the old gaming ways again. For the moment I'm only playing Grand Fantasia, and due to some health issues and stuff my online time is a bit restricted, but I am playing every day now. It feels good to be back. =3
Aaaand, yeah. That's all I want to say for now. I'm sorry for not updating this blog at all lately, but I've been busy with stuffs. If things keep going according to plan here on out, you'll get to see way more updates from me in a near future. My life is getting exciting now, and I want you all along for the ride! ;)
A small run-through of the changes~
To personalize the page a bit, I made a simple new background using one of my favourite jester pics (could've made it fancier and all, but I'm lazy), and I also made a simple header instead of using a title up there. It's quickly done, all of it, but it's decent enough.
I changed the about me section, cause I figured that long blurb about me was just annoying, and just made it simple with some few keywords about me. =P
The Linkings section was added, with links to some of the more important places. The first is my other blog that is updated weekly with progress on my quest for the year, while the others are my deviantart page as well as my facebook page. I'll add in more links when I can think of them. =3
I also moved that vaourite poem of mine up from the bottom of the page and put it in the sidebar instead, to save space.
Simple changes, but I think it looks a lot better now. ^^
What else have changed in my life? Well, only everything. Though mostly me. It's hard to put into words how much have changed, and how and why, but trust me when I say that though it may not look like it, nothing is the same anymore. It took months to get to this point, but it was worth it. I'm definitely running on some completely new tracks now, and it feels good. I'm not gonna blabber on about it all in here, but I'm just gonna say that I've kind of restarted this game called life, with a new character that I'm gonna work on leveling this year. ;p
And speaking of games, after several months of being inactive, I'm back into the old gaming ways again. For the moment I'm only playing Grand Fantasia, and due to some health issues and stuff my online time is a bit restricted, but I am playing every day now. It feels good to be back. =3
Aaaand, yeah. That's all I want to say for now. I'm sorry for not updating this blog at all lately, but I've been busy with stuffs. If things keep going according to plan here on out, you'll get to see way more updates from me in a near future. My life is getting exciting now, and I want you all along for the ride! ;)
torsdag 29. mars 2012
Tell the world to fuck off, please
I've always been angry with the world, but every now and then I just get plain pissed off. Why? Because the world teaches beautiful people that they're ugly, smart people that they're dumb, and skilled people that they can't do anything right. I know so many people that truly believe that they're not good enough, cause they don't meet the "perfect" ideals of the rest of the world, and it makes me angry. I've known people that have starved themselves because they're not supermodel skinny and therefore fat, in their eyes. People that cover themselves in makeup or too much or too little clothes cause they don't think they're pretty enough without it. People that have to pretend to be something they're not, cause they don't think they're good enough as themselves.
What is wrong with the world? And what is wrong with everyone believing the crap the world feeds them? You're not pretty if you don't look like that specific model from that specific ad. You're not smart if you can't solve that specific mathematic puzzle. You're not good enough if you can't do this or that. What kind of bullshit is that?! If being "perfect" means that you're supposed to fit into ONE specific mold, and be like everyone else, then fuck being perfect.
Why can't the world teach people that they're perfect just the way they are? That they're beautiful, smart and skilled and don't need to change themselves. And why can't people believe it when you tell them that? Why can't people learn to believe that they're good enough?
Sometimes I hate that.
I know what it's like though. Thinking you're not good enough.
Before I even learned to walk and talk, I learned that I wasn't good enough. That the things I did, I did wrong. That I was in the way, and that I was worthless. I learned early on that nothing I ever did was good enough, cause I'd be left either way. I'd be alone no matter what. That's how I grew up, learning that the only thing I could do good enough was to try and be invisible and to always do what I am told no matter what. To forget about myself and my own needs, and to always satisfy those around me no matter how much it might hurt me.
In school I learned that I was different. A freak. Worthless and hated. I got bullied the moment I started school, and up until the moment I quit school for good. All school ever taught me was that I wasn't good enough. That I'd always be unlike everyone else, and never fit in. That everyone would always hate me, just because I existed. My existence alone was the biggest sin in this world.
In the relationships I was in, I learned that I was stupid, worthless, and not good enough to love. I learned that even the ones that told me they'd love me forever couldn't stand to be around me for too long. They'd cheat on me. Leave me alone for hours or even days, even when I needed them. I learned that I was just a toy to be used, and that I could be thrown away if something better came along.
I don't even know how many times I've been left.
Or how many times I've cried because of it.
One of the most important lessons I've learned in life, is to never trust anyone who tells me they love me. Cause everyone who has, have either abused me, bullied me, cheated on me, lied to me, used me and abandoned me.
Be it lovers, friends or family. That's what they've all taught me about love...
From an early age, I learned to always give everything to everyone else. That I should do anything I possibly could to try and satisfy those around me, cause that's the only reason I existed. To satisfy others. I tried being me, several times, but every time I did I was beaten down and taught that ME wasn't good enough. So I abandoned ME a long, long time ago, for the sake of being whomever everyone else wanted me to be. I switched and changed around on myself and my personality, to try and please the people I met. To please friends, family, and eventually lovers. And I always failed. I couldn't even please the one person I've spent 15 years loving and doing absolutely everything for. I lived for her, and her alone. She gave me reason to breathe, and I did absolutely everything I possibly could to try and please her so that she'd love me back. And just when I thought I had succeeded, when she finally started telling me that she loved me, she too taught me that no matter what I did I'd never be good enough. That I was just a love-toy that could be thrown away as soon as something better came along.
This is what the world taught me. That's all I can remember from my life. That I'm not good enough. That I'm ugly. I'm too skinny or too fat. I'm stupid. I'm crazy. I'm too demanding. I'm not demanding enough. I'm too selfish. I'm not selfish enough. I can't do anything. I'm hopeless. I'm worthless. I'm nothing.
I shouldn't even exist.
People have asked me so many times why I've always hated the world.
And I've asked back; can you blame me?
But, eventually, I came to a point where that last drop made the water spill out of the container, and flood the area. Almost 27 years of taking all the shit that was thrown at me while apologizing for my existence finally came to a rather nasty stop. When the one person I trusted the most, and loved the most, broke that trust I had placed in her, and once more became one of the many to teach me how little I was worth, I decided that this was it. I've had enough. It had been building up inside me for months, this urge to finally stand up to the world and tell it to fuck off, and that last straw sent me over the edge. And I killed myself.
It took me 3 months of... Well, truth be told, you don't want to know what was going on inside me during those months. You wouldn't even believe me if I told you. But after 3 months of constant pain, I finally stood up. I was on my feet, and I suddenly realized that my own worth wasn't something the rest of the world could measure. And I decided that I was tired of being that person the whole world had been expecting me to be all my life. I was tired of hiding behind a mask, apologizing for existing, and ignoring myself just to please everyone else. That person I had been, that I had learned to hate so deeply, was dead.
It's hard, trying to take her place. A part of me want to drive in the same tracks she had been driving in all these years. Give the same answers she did when people ask me things. Act the same way she did around other people. Especially since people still confuse me with her. Even though she's dead, it's hard to put her away. It's hard to kill her habits. But I fight every day to ignore the small remnants of her, and stand up against the world around me. I'm fighting to be ME!
The girl you knew, is no more.
I'm teaching myself that I'm good enough. That I'm beautiful in my own way. That I'm neither fat, nor skinny. I'm perfect just the way I am. That I'm smart, when it comes to certain things. I'm skilled within the things I'm passionate about. I'm teaching myself that the opinions of the rest of the world is worth nothing next to my own opinons, and the opinions of my loved ones. I'm teaching myself to believe in who and what I am, and the things I can do. And to always have faith, and believe that good things will happen.
I'm teaching myself that no matter if I am a part of the crowd or a freak and an outsider, if I'm intelligent or stupid, if I'm this or that, I am still perfect. And I am perfect because I am ME. And if the world dislike that, then the world can go fuck itself. The only people I need in my life, are the ones who accept and love ME, no matter who I am. And the people who don't accept me, who tries to tell me that some part of me needs to change, be it my looks or personality, they don't deserve to be a part of my life.
I DON'T NEED TO PLEASE ANYONE BUT MYSELF.
And when I tell myself that, I also tell myself that if I can't learn to accept and love myself for who I am, then I don't need me in my life. Just like I didn't need that old me anymore, and disposed of her. And so I agreed with myself, for the first time ever, and discovered who I am deep inside. And now I'm teaching myself to accept that person, and to love that person without question, every single second of my existence. Cause she's perfect.
I wish more people could learn that about themselves. That they could see how amazing they are, and be satisfied. That they'd stop fighting so hard to be someone else, just to be "accepted" by the world. You're all so perfect, and I admire you all so much. You're beautiful. Smart. Intelligent. Skilled. Strong. And just simply amazing. I see that every time I look at you. Yet you can't see it yourself. I wish my eyes could be your mirror, so you could see your true self. You need it. You've lost faith in yourself, cause you've listened to the lies of the world. You've taken it's false lessons to heart, and made them a part of you. You've allowed them to beat you down and tell you you're not good enough.
And I want you to stop that.
I want you to stand up. I want you to see who you are, accept that person, and love that person. And I want you to tell the world to go fuck itself if it doesn't like what it sees, cause you're absolutely perfect just the way you are!
I want you to start believing in yourself.
Cause you deserve it. Cause you're worth more than you'll ever know.
What is wrong with the world? And what is wrong with everyone believing the crap the world feeds them? You're not pretty if you don't look like that specific model from that specific ad. You're not smart if you can't solve that specific mathematic puzzle. You're not good enough if you can't do this or that. What kind of bullshit is that?! If being "perfect" means that you're supposed to fit into ONE specific mold, and be like everyone else, then fuck being perfect.
Why can't the world teach people that they're perfect just the way they are? That they're beautiful, smart and skilled and don't need to change themselves. And why can't people believe it when you tell them that? Why can't people learn to believe that they're good enough?
Sometimes I hate that.
I know what it's like though. Thinking you're not good enough.
Before I even learned to walk and talk, I learned that I wasn't good enough. That the things I did, I did wrong. That I was in the way, and that I was worthless. I learned early on that nothing I ever did was good enough, cause I'd be left either way. I'd be alone no matter what. That's how I grew up, learning that the only thing I could do good enough was to try and be invisible and to always do what I am told no matter what. To forget about myself and my own needs, and to always satisfy those around me no matter how much it might hurt me.
In school I learned that I was different. A freak. Worthless and hated. I got bullied the moment I started school, and up until the moment I quit school for good. All school ever taught me was that I wasn't good enough. That I'd always be unlike everyone else, and never fit in. That everyone would always hate me, just because I existed. My existence alone was the biggest sin in this world.
In the relationships I was in, I learned that I was stupid, worthless, and not good enough to love. I learned that even the ones that told me they'd love me forever couldn't stand to be around me for too long. They'd cheat on me. Leave me alone for hours or even days, even when I needed them. I learned that I was just a toy to be used, and that I could be thrown away if something better came along.
I don't even know how many times I've been left.
Or how many times I've cried because of it.
One of the most important lessons I've learned in life, is to never trust anyone who tells me they love me. Cause everyone who has, have either abused me, bullied me, cheated on me, lied to me, used me and abandoned me.
Be it lovers, friends or family. That's what they've all taught me about love...
From an early age, I learned to always give everything to everyone else. That I should do anything I possibly could to try and satisfy those around me, cause that's the only reason I existed. To satisfy others. I tried being me, several times, but every time I did I was beaten down and taught that ME wasn't good enough. So I abandoned ME a long, long time ago, for the sake of being whomever everyone else wanted me to be. I switched and changed around on myself and my personality, to try and please the people I met. To please friends, family, and eventually lovers. And I always failed. I couldn't even please the one person I've spent 15 years loving and doing absolutely everything for. I lived for her, and her alone. She gave me reason to breathe, and I did absolutely everything I possibly could to try and please her so that she'd love me back. And just when I thought I had succeeded, when she finally started telling me that she loved me, she too taught me that no matter what I did I'd never be good enough. That I was just a love-toy that could be thrown away as soon as something better came along.
This is what the world taught me. That's all I can remember from my life. That I'm not good enough. That I'm ugly. I'm too skinny or too fat. I'm stupid. I'm crazy. I'm too demanding. I'm not demanding enough. I'm too selfish. I'm not selfish enough. I can't do anything. I'm hopeless. I'm worthless. I'm nothing.
I shouldn't even exist.
People have asked me so many times why I've always hated the world.
And I've asked back; can you blame me?
But, eventually, I came to a point where that last drop made the water spill out of the container, and flood the area. Almost 27 years of taking all the shit that was thrown at me while apologizing for my existence finally came to a rather nasty stop. When the one person I trusted the most, and loved the most, broke that trust I had placed in her, and once more became one of the many to teach me how little I was worth, I decided that this was it. I've had enough. It had been building up inside me for months, this urge to finally stand up to the world and tell it to fuck off, and that last straw sent me over the edge. And I killed myself.
It took me 3 months of... Well, truth be told, you don't want to know what was going on inside me during those months. You wouldn't even believe me if I told you. But after 3 months of constant pain, I finally stood up. I was on my feet, and I suddenly realized that my own worth wasn't something the rest of the world could measure. And I decided that I was tired of being that person the whole world had been expecting me to be all my life. I was tired of hiding behind a mask, apologizing for existing, and ignoring myself just to please everyone else. That person I had been, that I had learned to hate so deeply, was dead.
It's hard, trying to take her place. A part of me want to drive in the same tracks she had been driving in all these years. Give the same answers she did when people ask me things. Act the same way she did around other people. Especially since people still confuse me with her. Even though she's dead, it's hard to put her away. It's hard to kill her habits. But I fight every day to ignore the small remnants of her, and stand up against the world around me. I'm fighting to be ME!
The girl you knew, is no more.
I'm teaching myself that I'm good enough. That I'm beautiful in my own way. That I'm neither fat, nor skinny. I'm perfect just the way I am. That I'm smart, when it comes to certain things. I'm skilled within the things I'm passionate about. I'm teaching myself that the opinions of the rest of the world is worth nothing next to my own opinons, and the opinions of my loved ones. I'm teaching myself to believe in who and what I am, and the things I can do. And to always have faith, and believe that good things will happen.
I'm teaching myself that no matter if I am a part of the crowd or a freak and an outsider, if I'm intelligent or stupid, if I'm this or that, I am still perfect. And I am perfect because I am ME. And if the world dislike that, then the world can go fuck itself. The only people I need in my life, are the ones who accept and love ME, no matter who I am. And the people who don't accept me, who tries to tell me that some part of me needs to change, be it my looks or personality, they don't deserve to be a part of my life.
I DON'T NEED TO PLEASE ANYONE BUT MYSELF.
And when I tell myself that, I also tell myself that if I can't learn to accept and love myself for who I am, then I don't need me in my life. Just like I didn't need that old me anymore, and disposed of her. And so I agreed with myself, for the first time ever, and discovered who I am deep inside. And now I'm teaching myself to accept that person, and to love that person without question, every single second of my existence. Cause she's perfect.
I wish more people could learn that about themselves. That they could see how amazing they are, and be satisfied. That they'd stop fighting so hard to be someone else, just to be "accepted" by the world. You're all so perfect, and I admire you all so much. You're beautiful. Smart. Intelligent. Skilled. Strong. And just simply amazing. I see that every time I look at you. Yet you can't see it yourself. I wish my eyes could be your mirror, so you could see your true self. You need it. You've lost faith in yourself, cause you've listened to the lies of the world. You've taken it's false lessons to heart, and made them a part of you. You've allowed them to beat you down and tell you you're not good enough.
And I want you to stop that.
I want you to stand up. I want you to see who you are, accept that person, and love that person. And I want you to tell the world to go fuck itself if it doesn't like what it sees, cause you're absolutely perfect just the way you are!
I want you to start believing in yourself.
Cause you deserve it. Cause you're worth more than you'll ever know.
tirsdag 6. mars 2012
For you, and your love
I've been meaning to do this entry for a long, long time, cause I've had it at the back of my mind for ages, but I just haven't gotten around to actually sit down and do it. I've had so much going on in and around me, that it has, unfortunately, been pushed aside. But, now I'll take my time to get it written down, cause I feel like it is important for me to do so.
I am dedicating this entire entry to my... Protector.
Someone who is often by my side, and that is keeping watch over me.
You thought I haven't noticed you? Cause I have. I notice you every time you're there, and I have since that first time you appeared by my side. It was that summer, when I was living with my parents down in the basement, and I was feeling depressed and just about ready to give up on life. I had just gone to bed, and had trouble falling asleep, when you appeared. I just noticed your presence at first, and it scared me a bit, before I felt your touch. You held your hand on mine, and I could feel you lying next to me, to keep me safe, and I finally managed to sleep. You did that a couple of nights in a row. Showing up when I had gone to bed, to come sleep with me so I could feel safe and loved. Before you disappeared.
Time passed, and every now and then, I could feel you. Days, weeks and even months could pass between your visits, but you still visited. And I could feel you every time. That presence, telling me that someone was in the room with me, keeping watch over me, and making me feel safe. Whenever I was out in public, and my anxiety threatened to kill me, I felt your arms around me, calming me, protecting me, and just telling me that I'd be fine. You'd keep me safe.
Then, last year, things escalated. I'm not sure why. Did you feel that I needed more protection, or that I needed more strength, or was it something else? Something entirely different that caused you to visit me more often..? I don't know. But suddenly I started feeling you almost daily. Sudden visits, that never really lasted long, as if to check up on me, regularily. You took a short break from visiting me, during November-January, for some unknown reason (though I have my suspicions, considering my personal state during that time), but after that you returned and came to see me even more often. Now I feel you, every time I'm in an unsafe setting, or whenever I am feeling insecure or weak. Whenever I cry, you're there, as if you know that I need someone. Whenever I am around people that makes me uncomfortable, you're there in an instant, keeping me safe. Hell, even when I'm drunk as a pineapple, and can hardly stand on my feet, you're there, making sure I always get home safely.
And I feel you. I'm not sure if you know. But I do feel you. Every time. Sometimes it's just a small tingle running down my spine, or something poking me at the back of my mind. So faint, that I can hardly notice it, yet still there. While other times, I almost expect to see you when I turn around, cause your presence is so strong. It varies, though I'm not sure why. If it's me, and my senses, that varies, or your emotions influencing your presence, I can't say. But how strongly I feel your presence varies greatly.
You know what I think? I think you love me. Cause I can feel it. Whenever you're around, I feel so loved, and so protected, and it makes me believe that you love me. I don't know who you are, or what made you come visit me in the first place - I really wish I knew - but what I do know is that you keep coming back because you care about me. Because you love me. And want to keep me safe. I wish I knew who you are, cause no one has ever made me feel so loved before, and it makes me so happy that I almost cry. It's as if your love strengthens me, lifts me up whenever I fall down, and keeps me walking. And for that, I am eternally grateful.
I don't know who you are. But I dedicate this to you, along with a piece of my heart and a piece my soul. And I thank you. Thank you for loving me, for protecting me, and for giving me strength. Thank you for being by my side whenever I need you. And thank you for showing me that my life has purpose.
You taught me to believe in myself, and not deny who I am.
It's a lesson I'll treasure. Forever.
I am dedicating this entire entry to my... Protector.
Someone who is often by my side, and that is keeping watch over me.
You thought I haven't noticed you? Cause I have. I notice you every time you're there, and I have since that first time you appeared by my side. It was that summer, when I was living with my parents down in the basement, and I was feeling depressed and just about ready to give up on life. I had just gone to bed, and had trouble falling asleep, when you appeared. I just noticed your presence at first, and it scared me a bit, before I felt your touch. You held your hand on mine, and I could feel you lying next to me, to keep me safe, and I finally managed to sleep. You did that a couple of nights in a row. Showing up when I had gone to bed, to come sleep with me so I could feel safe and loved. Before you disappeared.
Time passed, and every now and then, I could feel you. Days, weeks and even months could pass between your visits, but you still visited. And I could feel you every time. That presence, telling me that someone was in the room with me, keeping watch over me, and making me feel safe. Whenever I was out in public, and my anxiety threatened to kill me, I felt your arms around me, calming me, protecting me, and just telling me that I'd be fine. You'd keep me safe.
Then, last year, things escalated. I'm not sure why. Did you feel that I needed more protection, or that I needed more strength, or was it something else? Something entirely different that caused you to visit me more often..? I don't know. But suddenly I started feeling you almost daily. Sudden visits, that never really lasted long, as if to check up on me, regularily. You took a short break from visiting me, during November-January, for some unknown reason (though I have my suspicions, considering my personal state during that time), but after that you returned and came to see me even more often. Now I feel you, every time I'm in an unsafe setting, or whenever I am feeling insecure or weak. Whenever I cry, you're there, as if you know that I need someone. Whenever I am around people that makes me uncomfortable, you're there in an instant, keeping me safe. Hell, even when I'm drunk as a pineapple, and can hardly stand on my feet, you're there, making sure I always get home safely.
And I feel you. I'm not sure if you know. But I do feel you. Every time. Sometimes it's just a small tingle running down my spine, or something poking me at the back of my mind. So faint, that I can hardly notice it, yet still there. While other times, I almost expect to see you when I turn around, cause your presence is so strong. It varies, though I'm not sure why. If it's me, and my senses, that varies, or your emotions influencing your presence, I can't say. But how strongly I feel your presence varies greatly.
You know what I think? I think you love me. Cause I can feel it. Whenever you're around, I feel so loved, and so protected, and it makes me believe that you love me. I don't know who you are, or what made you come visit me in the first place - I really wish I knew - but what I do know is that you keep coming back because you care about me. Because you love me. And want to keep me safe. I wish I knew who you are, cause no one has ever made me feel so loved before, and it makes me so happy that I almost cry. It's as if your love strengthens me, lifts me up whenever I fall down, and keeps me walking. And for that, I am eternally grateful.
I don't know who you are. But I dedicate this to you, along with a piece of my heart and a piece my soul. And I thank you. Thank you for loving me, for protecting me, and for giving me strength. Thank you for being by my side whenever I need you. And thank you for showing me that my life has purpose.
You taught me to believe in myself, and not deny who I am.
It's a lesson I'll treasure. Forever.
onsdag 29. februar 2012
Quote me on that (updated)
We all know I'm a huge gamer, with Final Fantasy as my main focus, and these days I'm in gaming mode again. And, I've gotten some comments on how I manage to get so into the games I'm playing, and start shouting at the TV, so I figured I'd do this short little blog entry for your entertainment, and simply write down all the stuff I shout out while playing.
This is a little gathering of today's shouting at the TV, while playing FFXIII.
"Surprise, bitches! I came from above!!" (commence dirty thinking)
"Eesh.. I'd rather take you oozy stuff from behind."
"Snow, would you STOP farming those mushrooms! Jeeze..."
"The cunt of a shark!" (the repeating one that I say A LOT)
"Wooho, heyhey, no lookielookie, I'm inviiiiiiisble!"
"MY GOD HE'S STANDING ON TWO FEET NOW WITH A GOD DAMN SAW WILL YOU STAGGER THAT SON OF A BITCH SOON PLEASE?!?"
"WhatWhoWhere? Why are we alert?! What sees me?! Where are you?! Oh, god, no, not another one!"
"No, no, no, turn around. Look the other way. I wanna take you from behiiihiiihiiind!"
"Okay. Take him out, bitches! Take him out!!"
"Ravage, ravage, ravage me, please."
"Aiaiai, emotional Snow on the move!"
"Holy snap, crackle and pop, he went mental on me!"
"Surprise, surprise, bitch. Now down on your knees!"
"You're gonna SQUIRM, SQUIRM, SQUIRM, SQUIRT! .........Ew."
"Always go for the Stikini first, cause FORBIDDEN DANCE IS FORBIDDEN, GOD DAMN IT!! He needs to learn his lesson."
"Woohoo, otherwordly boner! No, wait.. Bones! Haha!"
"YesYesYesYesYes! Aiaiaiaia! Heeeeeeeelloooooooo! Mine!"
"Yes! Pulse, pulse, pulse it, baby!"
"Emo Hope is causing battle of doom, god damn that son of a bitch, slap him!"
I didn't quote all of it, cause most of the time I was too focused on the game, but every now and then when I shouted something random, and I remembered my notepad, I wrote it down just for fun. For no other reason than to entertain the few people that loves to comment on my gaming. So, this one's for you, my lovelies! I'mma keep gaming, and shouting, so if you want more of these, then just say so. I'll try and get my random shoutings documented for you.
Edit 1~
:: UPDATE :: 01.Mar.2012 ::
Quotes from today, which contains a lot of frustration.
"Yes. It is WILD, MAN! And grand. It's Gran Pulse, baby!"
"Okay, note to self, certain enemies, when they look tough, DO NOT TOUCH."
"I'mma bangarang your a~ss!"
"Holy shitlocks, you're HUGE!"
"Will you stagger him?! Stagger, stagger, stagger, stagger, for cunt's sake!"
"Oh, hey, hey, hey, I can zoom out, eeheeheehee! ....About damn time I found that out."
"Crysta~riu~m! And you, missus, are going to ravage, ravage, ravage me!"
""Lookie there, yes, there we have those that AAAAAHHH!! ...God damned flying freaks."
"Gyahaha! Large."
"Eeheehee, fluffy ball of fluffness!"
"Nugget! Cicken McNugget, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!"
"This place is so awesome, I'm really enjoying myse-ABBAH!!! ....Sneaky largeness."
"Wohoo, navigation! Slalom baby!"
"GOD DAMNED SON OF A BITCH SELF DESTRUCTION FREAK YOU SHOULD'VE BEEN FORBIDDEN TO BE IN A GAME!!!"
"That's it, I'MMA GO BAHAMUT ON YOUR ASS!!"
"You make my head go wobbidywoobwoob."
"Snow, please stop being so god damned J-licious.."
"Yes, yes, yes, yes! I think I gasm'd a little..."
"But, I, uh, no, god damned son of a.... Fack."
Edit 2~
:: UPDATE :: 02.Mar.2012 ::
And the level of frustration continues to rise.
"I don't know what you are bu-WHOA, YOU'RE UGLY!"
"Hero pose!! *poses* ..... *blinks* .... Oh, that made me dizzy..."
"Come on, fugly-face, let's da~ance. Owie! .....Fack."
"Oh, moneyz! Money, money, money, must me funneh, in a Gran Pulse World. Eehp!"
"Seff. ...Iroth." (seff is Norwegian slang for 'of course')
"Oh, come on, blob-face! Let's... Blobber?"
"WOULD YOU STOP MOVING AROUND?! STAND STILL AND LET ME KILL YOU, YOU GOD DAMNED BAH!"
"I hate blobs, I hate blobs, I hate blobs, die, die, die, die! Or stagger. Whatever."
"Whore and a half and three cunt degrees!"
"OH, STAGGER, HOHO! Hit that bitch, hit that bitch!"
"Black cowshit, you can take a beating! Me no likey."
"SATAN IN HELL GOD DAMNED CUNT WHORE GAME!!"
This is a little gathering of today's shouting at the TV, while playing FFXIII.
"Surprise, bitches! I came from above!!" (commence dirty thinking)
"Eesh.. I'd rather take you oozy stuff from behind."
"Snow, would you STOP farming those mushrooms! Jeeze..."
"The cunt of a shark!" (the repeating one that I say A LOT)
"Wooho, heyhey, no lookielookie, I'm inviiiiiiisble!"
"MY GOD HE'S STANDING ON TWO FEET NOW WITH A GOD DAMN SAW WILL YOU STAGGER THAT SON OF A BITCH SOON PLEASE?!?"
"WhatWhoWhere? Why are we alert?! What sees me?! Where are you?! Oh, god, no, not another one!"
"No, no, no, turn around. Look the other way. I wanna take you from behiiihiiihiiind!"
"Okay. Take him out, bitches! Take him out!!"
"Ravage, ravage, ravage me, please."
"Aiaiai, emotional Snow on the move!"
"Holy snap, crackle and pop, he went mental on me!"
"Surprise, surprise, bitch. Now down on your knees!"
"You're gonna SQUIRM, SQUIRM, SQUIRM, SQUIRT! .........Ew."
"Always go for the Stikini first, cause FORBIDDEN DANCE IS FORBIDDEN, GOD DAMN IT!! He needs to learn his lesson."
"Woohoo, otherwordly boner! No, wait.. Bones! Haha!"
"YesYesYesYesYes! Aiaiaiaia! Heeeeeeeelloooooooo! Mine!"
"Yes! Pulse, pulse, pulse it, baby!"
"Emo Hope is causing battle of doom, god damn that son of a bitch, slap him!"
I didn't quote all of it, cause most of the time I was too focused on the game, but every now and then when I shouted something random, and I remembered my notepad, I wrote it down just for fun. For no other reason than to entertain the few people that loves to comment on my gaming. So, this one's for you, my lovelies! I'mma keep gaming, and shouting, so if you want more of these, then just say so. I'll try and get my random shoutings documented for you.
Edit 1~
:: UPDATE :: 01.Mar.2012 ::
Quotes from today, which contains a lot of frustration.
"Yes. It is WILD, MAN! And grand. It's Gran Pulse, baby!"
"Okay, note to self, certain enemies, when they look tough, DO NOT TOUCH."
"I'mma bangarang your a~ss!"
"Holy shitlocks, you're HUGE!"
"Will you stagger him?! Stagger, stagger, stagger, stagger, for cunt's sake!"
"Oh, hey, hey, hey, I can zoom out, eeheeheehee! ....About damn time I found that out."
"Crysta~riu~m! And you, missus, are going to ravage, ravage, ravage me!"
""Lookie there, yes, there we have those that AAAAAHHH!! ...God damned flying freaks."
"Gyahaha! Large."
"Eeheehee, fluffy ball of fluffness!"
"Nugget! Cicken McNugget, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!"
"This place is so awesome, I'm really enjoying myse-ABBAH!!! ....Sneaky largeness."
"Wohoo, navigation! Slalom baby!"
"GOD DAMNED SON OF A BITCH SELF DESTRUCTION FREAK YOU SHOULD'VE BEEN FORBIDDEN TO BE IN A GAME!!!"
"That's it, I'MMA GO BAHAMUT ON YOUR ASS!!"
"You make my head go wobbidywoobwoob."
"Snow, please stop being so god damned J-licious.."
"Yes, yes, yes, yes! I think I gasm'd a little..."
"But, I, uh, no, god damned son of a.... Fack."
Edit 2~
:: UPDATE :: 02.Mar.2012 ::
And the level of frustration continues to rise.
"I don't know what you are bu-WHOA, YOU'RE UGLY!"
"Hero pose!! *poses* ..... *blinks* .... Oh, that made me dizzy..."
"Come on, fugly-face, let's da~ance. Owie! .....Fack."
"Oh, moneyz! Money, money, money, must me funneh, in a Gran Pulse World. Eehp!"
"Seff. ...Iroth." (seff is Norwegian slang for 'of course')
"Oh, come on, blob-face! Let's... Blobber?"
"WOULD YOU STOP MOVING AROUND?! STAND STILL AND LET ME KILL YOU, YOU GOD DAMNED BAH!"
"I hate blobs, I hate blobs, I hate blobs, die, die, die, die! Or stagger. Whatever."
"Whore and a half and three cunt degrees!"
"OH, STAGGER, HOHO! Hit that bitch, hit that bitch!"
"Black cowshit, you can take a beating! Me no likey."
"SATAN IN HELL GOD DAMNED CUNT WHORE GAME!!"
mandag 13. februar 2012
You don't see me
Do you even know who I am? Cause you don't see me. No one does. You all see a mask I've been hidden beneath all my life. You see a character I've played, to satisfy you. You see who she made me be, and who my friends and family made me be. Who they all expected me to be. You see the same old tracks I've been running on all my life, cause you all put down those tracks for me to run on. You see the picture the world has painted for me, telling me to be. You see the words I speak because they are the words you want to hear. You see the emotions I show, because you expect me to show those exact emotions. You see the smile I smile because you want me to. You see the tears I cry because you want me to be hurt by those specific things you set down before me. You see the different roles I play, because you all expect me to play them.
But that isn't me. You don't see me.
Even now, while I'm struggling to dig out the person that I am, and show it to the world, you don't see. You still see that person you've all believed me to be. You still see that person that never even existed. And the one I've been too afraid to show, the one who's really me, stays invisible. You look right passed her. It's almost as if she's not even there. And at times, I get scared that she's just my imagination. That maybe I'm not real after all. Maybe I'm just a mask. And that fear kills me. And drives me back into the role you still expect me to play.
How am I supposed be who I am, when you still fail to see me? And why am I so dependant on you seeing me? Do I need your eyes to see myself? Am I blind? Or am I just too scared?
Cause I do see me. For the first time in years, I can finally see who I am. And now I've started to dig that person out, fighting and struggling to remove the layers of roles stacked on top of her, and I want so badly for you to see her. I need you to see her. I feel so desperate, wishing so intensely for you to see her, that tears stream my face as I clutch my own chest to try and keep my heart from breaking.
You don't see me. And I need so badly to be seen.
But that isn't me. You don't see me.
Even now, while I'm struggling to dig out the person that I am, and show it to the world, you don't see. You still see that person you've all believed me to be. You still see that person that never even existed. And the one I've been too afraid to show, the one who's really me, stays invisible. You look right passed her. It's almost as if she's not even there. And at times, I get scared that she's just my imagination. That maybe I'm not real after all. Maybe I'm just a mask. And that fear kills me. And drives me back into the role you still expect me to play.
How am I supposed be who I am, when you still fail to see me? And why am I so dependant on you seeing me? Do I need your eyes to see myself? Am I blind? Or am I just too scared?
Cause I do see me. For the first time in years, I can finally see who I am. And now I've started to dig that person out, fighting and struggling to remove the layers of roles stacked on top of her, and I want so badly for you to see her. I need you to see her. I feel so desperate, wishing so intensely for you to see her, that tears stream my face as I clutch my own chest to try and keep my heart from breaking.
You don't see me. And I need so badly to be seen.
torsdag 2. februar 2012
Slippery mind (when wet?)
It feels like it's been forever since I last wrote something in here, even though that's not entirely true, and I was starting to feel bad. I don't know why, but when I haven't written anything in here for a while, I just feel bad. I'm guess I'm just weird like that.
What can I say about how things are? Well, things are good. My life is certainly on the right track now, and I'm enjoying it immensely. I had the best birthday celebration ever, and the weekend after I had an even bigger party. I drank for 12 hours straight (yipes!) and we kept it going until 8 AM that morning before finally going to bed. Needless to say, I was insanely hung over after that. But I had loads of fun! And, my couch got broken, and my guests got naked. It was quite the party, lol! But yeah, things have been good, at least on the outside.
My head, on the other hand, isn't keeping up with it all. I'm not sure what the issue is, to be honest, but for some reason it just can't seem to keep up. It started last week, and it has just gotten worse. I keep falling out, not being able to concentrate on anything, and everything feels so unreal. It's as if I'm slowly slipping away from myself. Something's just not quite right, but I don't know what.
I saw my psychologist today, and she got a bit worried about this. She feared I might be falling back into my psychosis state again, so she made me promise that if I started hearing or seeing things I'd call her right away. But, even though I'm confused over this, I'm not really scared. Back when I had my psychosis periods, I was constantly scared and depressed, and my anxiety had a constant grip on me. I feared, every single day, that I'd lose my mind. That I was going insane. But I don't have that fear right now. I don't think I'm going insane. That's not it. But, I'm definitely not entirely there, that much is certain, and it is making it difficult for me to pay attention to the world around me.
In truth, the world around me feels alien and unreal. It's as if I'm somehow in the wrong world. That this one isn't the real one, and I somehow got misplaced here. I don't know. Talking to people is difficult, cause no matter how hard I try I just can't seem to keep up with what they're saying. I don't understand their words. Are they even real? It's as if I'm a fairytale character within reality, or a real person in a fairytale. I just feel so out of place.
And it has caused some pretty heavy moodswings. The other day, my mood was so haywire, that I had to sit down and ask myself what the fuck was going on. One moment I was aggressive as hell, and got angry for no reason at all, and the next I was so down that I was crying just because some pictures didn't align the way I wanted them to in a thread on GaiaOnline. It was an... Interesting day. But my mood is weird these days. Unusual. And slightly alien to me. And, there's a song I'm totally obsessing over. I mean, "What Doesn't Kill You" by Kelly Clarkson was my themesong a while back, cause a friend of mine made this really awesome video with it, but lately there's been another song that's been on my mind, and I've got the youtube video on repeat all day, cause I can't go a single minute without hearing it. It just feels so right. The music video is really awesome, but it's the lyrics and the beat that just wraps itself around my heart. I am Titanium. As simple as that.
Today, I'm not sure what kind of mood I'm in. I feel completely out of place today, and when I was at the hospital earlier, I was waiting on mum in a corridor I haven't been in before, and I stood paralyzed the entire time. That coridor scared the living breath out of me. Especially a pair of doors that were behind me, cause they felt unatural and dangerous, as if they didn't belong in our reality. I wanted to crawl out of my own skin just to get out of there. It was... Unpleasant. But, I'm in a strange mood. Not really angry or aggressive, cause I actually managed to stand in the same room as someone I absolutely despise without jumping at her throat (yay me!), but it's something along those lines. Like I'm on edge, or something. Waiting to punch. I'm kind of happy, but at the same time ready to do some serious harm if someone just gives me a reason to. Happy aggressive? I don't know. It's just weird. But, as I was out walking, I heard the song "Kamikaze" by Owl City, and it fit my mood perfectly! The entire song screamed "YES" at me as I listened to it. But it's not the lyrics (cause, truth be told, I still haven't listened to them so I have no idea what they are) but the general feel and beat of the song that just felt right.
It's a good song, it is. But, in the end, Titanium still feels like my currrent themesong. I'm still obsessing over it. Though, I still don't know exactly why. It's as if it's talking to me, strange how that sounds. It knows me.
I don't know...
A positive thing, however, that has come out of my currrent "out of it" state is that when I can't seem to focus on the world around me, I look inward. I seek out another world. And I find Arcaiia. My home, my obsession, and my love. And I give it my full attention. Which is something I haven't done in a while... I'm always connected to it, and that'll never change. Something's always happening in Arcaiia, every single second, and I am constantly feeding on it. It's what keeps me alive. But it's been a while since I actually did anything about it. Like sit down and work with it, draw things, write things, and use my energy on it. It's been half a year since I last did that, actually. I've been busy, a lot. And when I lost my partner in crime, I have to admit that a part of me didn't even feel like working on it. Hell, a part of me just died. Completely. And stayed dead. To me, that was the end of the world, and even though I never lost my connection to Arcaiia, I lost my will to do anything about that connection.
Now, however, that will is back. And I've been working non stop! Typing up profiles, drawing pictures of people (I drew the most awesome portrait ever of one of my most treasured lovelies the other day), and actively participating in my connection. And I've been giving my attention to my lovelies. My characters.
When people tell me I've got a small obsession for them, I just laugh at them. "A little obsession? Seriously, these people are everything to me. Obsessed doesn't even begin to cover it!" And it's true. They really are everything to me, and they keep me alive. Without them, I'd just disappear, that I am sure of. So, I love my "little" obsession, and I love how I've started working on things again. It helps. When it feels like I'm slipping away, I just concentrate on my work, or on my drawings, and I get janked right back again.
After everything they've done, to keep me alive, they deserve my full attention.
So, in the end, you could say that things are going well. Sure, I'm a bit out of it lately, and we can't seem to figure out why or what we can do about it, but I'm still somewhat sane and I'm functioning, so I'm not really complaining. Maybe I'm just tired, cause there have been a lot of rapid changes, both around me in my life as well as inside me, and a lot of dramatic things have happened. It's a lot to process, so there's no real wonder that my head's having trouble keeping up. Maybe, the worst thing I can do is try to fight this, cause then I might just make it worse. Maybe I just need to sit back and let things run its course. Cause, you know, everything does happen for a reason. Right?
That's, at least, what my protector taught me.
What can I say about how things are? Well, things are good. My life is certainly on the right track now, and I'm enjoying it immensely. I had the best birthday celebration ever, and the weekend after I had an even bigger party. I drank for 12 hours straight (yipes!) and we kept it going until 8 AM that morning before finally going to bed. Needless to say, I was insanely hung over after that. But I had loads of fun! And, my couch got broken, and my guests got naked. It was quite the party, lol! But yeah, things have been good, at least on the outside.
My head, on the other hand, isn't keeping up with it all. I'm not sure what the issue is, to be honest, but for some reason it just can't seem to keep up. It started last week, and it has just gotten worse. I keep falling out, not being able to concentrate on anything, and everything feels so unreal. It's as if I'm slowly slipping away from myself. Something's just not quite right, but I don't know what.
I saw my psychologist today, and she got a bit worried about this. She feared I might be falling back into my psychosis state again, so she made me promise that if I started hearing or seeing things I'd call her right away. But, even though I'm confused over this, I'm not really scared. Back when I had my psychosis periods, I was constantly scared and depressed, and my anxiety had a constant grip on me. I feared, every single day, that I'd lose my mind. That I was going insane. But I don't have that fear right now. I don't think I'm going insane. That's not it. But, I'm definitely not entirely there, that much is certain, and it is making it difficult for me to pay attention to the world around me.
In truth, the world around me feels alien and unreal. It's as if I'm somehow in the wrong world. That this one isn't the real one, and I somehow got misplaced here. I don't know. Talking to people is difficult, cause no matter how hard I try I just can't seem to keep up with what they're saying. I don't understand their words. Are they even real? It's as if I'm a fairytale character within reality, or a real person in a fairytale. I just feel so out of place.
And it has caused some pretty heavy moodswings. The other day, my mood was so haywire, that I had to sit down and ask myself what the fuck was going on. One moment I was aggressive as hell, and got angry for no reason at all, and the next I was so down that I was crying just because some pictures didn't align the way I wanted them to in a thread on GaiaOnline. It was an... Interesting day. But my mood is weird these days. Unusual. And slightly alien to me. And, there's a song I'm totally obsessing over. I mean, "What Doesn't Kill You" by Kelly Clarkson was my themesong a while back, cause a friend of mine made this really awesome video with it, but lately there's been another song that's been on my mind, and I've got the youtube video on repeat all day, cause I can't go a single minute without hearing it. It just feels so right. The music video is really awesome, but it's the lyrics and the beat that just wraps itself around my heart. I am Titanium. As simple as that.
Today, I'm not sure what kind of mood I'm in. I feel completely out of place today, and when I was at the hospital earlier, I was waiting on mum in a corridor I haven't been in before, and I stood paralyzed the entire time. That coridor scared the living breath out of me. Especially a pair of doors that were behind me, cause they felt unatural and dangerous, as if they didn't belong in our reality. I wanted to crawl out of my own skin just to get out of there. It was... Unpleasant. But, I'm in a strange mood. Not really angry or aggressive, cause I actually managed to stand in the same room as someone I absolutely despise without jumping at her throat (yay me!), but it's something along those lines. Like I'm on edge, or something. Waiting to punch. I'm kind of happy, but at the same time ready to do some serious harm if someone just gives me a reason to. Happy aggressive? I don't know. It's just weird. But, as I was out walking, I heard the song "Kamikaze" by Owl City, and it fit my mood perfectly! The entire song screamed "YES" at me as I listened to it. But it's not the lyrics (cause, truth be told, I still haven't listened to them so I have no idea what they are) but the general feel and beat of the song that just felt right.
It's a good song, it is. But, in the end, Titanium still feels like my currrent themesong. I'm still obsessing over it. Though, I still don't know exactly why. It's as if it's talking to me, strange how that sounds. It knows me.
I don't know...
A positive thing, however, that has come out of my currrent "out of it" state is that when I can't seem to focus on the world around me, I look inward. I seek out another world. And I find Arcaiia. My home, my obsession, and my love. And I give it my full attention. Which is something I haven't done in a while... I'm always connected to it, and that'll never change. Something's always happening in Arcaiia, every single second, and I am constantly feeding on it. It's what keeps me alive. But it's been a while since I actually did anything about it. Like sit down and work with it, draw things, write things, and use my energy on it. It's been half a year since I last did that, actually. I've been busy, a lot. And when I lost my partner in crime, I have to admit that a part of me didn't even feel like working on it. Hell, a part of me just died. Completely. And stayed dead. To me, that was the end of the world, and even though I never lost my connection to Arcaiia, I lost my will to do anything about that connection.
Now, however, that will is back. And I've been working non stop! Typing up profiles, drawing pictures of people (I drew the most awesome portrait ever of one of my most treasured lovelies the other day), and actively participating in my connection. And I've been giving my attention to my lovelies. My characters.
When people tell me I've got a small obsession for them, I just laugh at them. "A little obsession? Seriously, these people are everything to me. Obsessed doesn't even begin to cover it!" And it's true. They really are everything to me, and they keep me alive. Without them, I'd just disappear, that I am sure of. So, I love my "little" obsession, and I love how I've started working on things again. It helps. When it feels like I'm slipping away, I just concentrate on my work, or on my drawings, and I get janked right back again.
After everything they've done, to keep me alive, they deserve my full attention.
So, in the end, you could say that things are going well. Sure, I'm a bit out of it lately, and we can't seem to figure out why or what we can do about it, but I'm still somewhat sane and I'm functioning, so I'm not really complaining. Maybe I'm just tired, cause there have been a lot of rapid changes, both around me in my life as well as inside me, and a lot of dramatic things have happened. It's a lot to process, so there's no real wonder that my head's having trouble keeping up. Maybe, the worst thing I can do is try to fight this, cause then I might just make it worse. Maybe I just need to sit back and let things run its course. Cause, you know, everything does happen for a reason. Right?
That's, at least, what my protector taught me.
fredag 20. januar 2012
In love, love, love!
You know that feeling you get, when you've just fallen in love, and you're in that first fase of being in love where you're floating around on a cloud and being all giddy, and you just can't stop smiling no matter what? Yeah, that's me right now. I'm bouncing around like a giddy little school girl, and there's no doubt that I am in looooove! And I'm absolutely loving it!
Only problem is.. I'm not in love with anyone. I mean, I've been in love several times, so I know that feeling better than anything else, and I know that I'm in love right now, but I know for a fact that I'm not in love with anyone. I'm thinking of my friends and my family, and how much they all mean to me, but I don't have anyone specific in mind when I get that smile on my face. Besides my new protector, that is, but I'm not sure that counts when my protector isn't even a part of this world. I don't know.
Either way, I'm all over the place and as happy as can be! I think maybe I'm in love with life itself. Which is strange, cause I've always hated life. Or, more specifically, my life. So, being in love with life itself is extremely unusual for me. But I am enjoying it, I am! To finally be happy like this, is something I've dreamt of for years. To think that I had to lose everything that really mattered to me, to gain a happiness like this... It's just strange. And kind of painful and sad in a way. But, I suppose this was meant to be, and the few things I've learned lately is that things happen for a reason. I just got to believe in those reasons.
I think I've gotten a lot stronger lately. I am now fully free of my depression, and I even have papers on it, and my anxiety is more or less completely gone. I feel like I'm standing on my feet, even when things are rough, and it feels as though I can handle almost anything now. Sure, those sad things that pain me do come to haunt me at night, and I cry because I hate how I've lost things I loved so dearly, and how I never even manage to gain the one thing I longed for the most. And I allow myself that sadness, and to cry those tears, but I don't allow them to break me. It's okay to be sad. I have good reason to. Just as long as I don't let that sadness take over my life, like it used to. I can smile during the days now, and know that my smile is a real one. It's not something that has been painted on to fool the world, but something real that comes from within me. I am truly happy. And it feels good.
I've always done a good work on that list of mine. So I am slowly gaining a good view of all the things I want to have done within this year. It's a long list, but considering that I've got an entire year to do all the things on that list, I'm pretty pleased with it's length. This year is going to become one of the best years of my life, I am sure of it! I'll finally organize things in my life, and figure out who I truly am and what I want. And I'll finally complete several of the projects I've started on but never finished! This'll be a good year. I just know it.
This video was made by one of the most awesome people I know and one of my most trusted friends, and it has become my theme song these days, which is why I want to share it with you all!
Only problem is.. I'm not in love with anyone. I mean, I've been in love several times, so I know that feeling better than anything else, and I know that I'm in love right now, but I know for a fact that I'm not in love with anyone. I'm thinking of my friends and my family, and how much they all mean to me, but I don't have anyone specific in mind when I get that smile on my face. Besides my new protector, that is, but I'm not sure that counts when my protector isn't even a part of this world. I don't know.
Either way, I'm all over the place and as happy as can be! I think maybe I'm in love with life itself. Which is strange, cause I've always hated life. Or, more specifically, my life. So, being in love with life itself is extremely unusual for me. But I am enjoying it, I am! To finally be happy like this, is something I've dreamt of for years. To think that I had to lose everything that really mattered to me, to gain a happiness like this... It's just strange. And kind of painful and sad in a way. But, I suppose this was meant to be, and the few things I've learned lately is that things happen for a reason. I just got to believe in those reasons.
I think I've gotten a lot stronger lately. I am now fully free of my depression, and I even have papers on it, and my anxiety is more or less completely gone. I feel like I'm standing on my feet, even when things are rough, and it feels as though I can handle almost anything now. Sure, those sad things that pain me do come to haunt me at night, and I cry because I hate how I've lost things I loved so dearly, and how I never even manage to gain the one thing I longed for the most. And I allow myself that sadness, and to cry those tears, but I don't allow them to break me. It's okay to be sad. I have good reason to. Just as long as I don't let that sadness take over my life, like it used to. I can smile during the days now, and know that my smile is a real one. It's not something that has been painted on to fool the world, but something real that comes from within me. I am truly happy. And it feels good.
I've always done a good work on that list of mine. So I am slowly gaining a good view of all the things I want to have done within this year. It's a long list, but considering that I've got an entire year to do all the things on that list, I'm pretty pleased with it's length. This year is going to become one of the best years of my life, I am sure of it! I'll finally organize things in my life, and figure out who I truly am and what I want. And I'll finally complete several of the projects I've started on but never finished! This'll be a good year. I just know it.
This video was made by one of the most awesome people I know and one of my most trusted friends, and it has become my theme song these days, which is why I want to share it with you all!
torsdag 12. januar 2012
Panic and torture
Cause I am soo good with making nifty titles for my entries.
Woo.
Anyway, right now I'm just trying not to panic. I'm fighting the panic with everything I've got, and so far I'm doing good. And I'm damned proud of that! There's only 3 days left until my birthday. My birthday, god damn it! I know it's silly, but I've had birthday anxieties all my life. Just the thought of it sends a shiver down my spine. Why? Not sure. I've just never dealt well with growing older, I suppose. So everytime my birthday is coming up, I panic. Sometimes to the point where I have cute little mental breakdowns, and just want to die. It may sound silly, but when you're in my head I can promise you that it's not pleasant. I've had days where I'd literally do anything to avoid my own birthday, even kill myself. That's how extreme my fear of this one day of the year is.
But, this year I'm trying hard to finally get over that fear. I'm going to try and put it behind me, and finally be able to just celebrate myself. I've wanted that for years, but never been able to do it. And, ugh, last years birthday was the worst I've ever had. Sitting alone, in someone else's apartment, crying the entire day, is NOT something I want to experience again. It still haunts me. I try to put it out of my mind, but like so many other things I'd rather forget, it just keeps coming back. Like a virus you just can't get rid of. And it annoys me. So, I want to counter it, by having a good birthday this year. And if I can keep it up, my goal is to finally be able to look forward to my birthday by the time I reach 30. This is, at least, the start.
And I'm going to start tomorrow. It's Friday the 13th, and I'm going to use it as my ME day. I'll make something nice to eat, have candy and beer, and just enjoy the entire day and pamper myself. Saturday I'll, hopefully, go out and eat with my family, and in the evening I've invited people over for a party. I'm hoping we'll go out and dance and have fun later that night. And on Sunday, hung over and all that, I'll have coffee and cake with my closest family at my mum's place, and I'll stay there with them all day. I'm going to enjoy this weekend. And my birthday.
I'm not going to panic. Not even once.
Oh, but I have tortured myself. I hope I'll be able to move by saturday, or my party might get a bit dull. Right now, my body hurts so much that even breathing is painful every now and then. It's completely my own fault for overdoing things and being an idiot, but I still feel sorry for myself nontheless. Me? In a bad shape? Understatement of the year, that is...
My sister got me to go with her to do some half hour workout on Tuesday, to try out the gym she's a member of. Half an hour doesn't sound like much, but when you're a gaming geek like me where the most workout you get is when you wave your wii controller around, it's pretty rough. And we used weights. In half an hour, we trained all the major muscle groups, using the weights, and by the time I was done I was in pain. So, the day after, I felt like I had been beaten. Every time I moved, it hurt. Yet I went to town with mum, and as we sat down for a coffee, my sister walked by. And, she wanted me to come with her to the gym again, for an hour of something called a "Full Package". Stupid as I was, I said yes.
Now, I had my first workout session EVER the day before, and were already feeling beat up. Then I attend an HOUR of jumping up and down, running around, and lifting weights, training all the already sore muscles and not really standing still for even a minute. I nearly died. I don't know how many times I just wanted to cry, for real, cause it was so exhausting and painful. And yet I kept pushing myself, way beyond my own limits. Needless to say, today I am uncapable of moving. It took me half an hour just to get dress this morning. And, of course, lucky me had an appointment on the other side of town today, and it takes an hour to walk there.
I've seriously tortured myself. And I kind of hate myself for it.
Of course, I do feel good as well, knowing that I've managed to drag myself off my lazy behind. I really want to get in better shape, cause right now I don't even have muscles let alone good ones. And if you want something, sitting on your ass won't help you get it. So yeah, I'm pleased with myself. And it was fun. But, I've learned my lesson; ease into the whole training thing. Killing myself won't help me get in better shape, lol.
I have a lot of things I need to do, especially if I'm to get the place to look a bit more tidy for when my guests arrive on Saturday, but it's not gonna happen today. I'm slowly learning not to push myself, so I'mma let myself take it easy the rest of the day today. Gonna attempt some dinner making, and then I'll just pass out on my couch and maybe watch some TV. I don't think I even want to game. I just want to do absolutely nothing, and let my poor body rest.
I owe it that much, after the torture I've put it through, haha!
Woo.
Anyway, right now I'm just trying not to panic. I'm fighting the panic with everything I've got, and so far I'm doing good. And I'm damned proud of that! There's only 3 days left until my birthday. My birthday, god damn it! I know it's silly, but I've had birthday anxieties all my life. Just the thought of it sends a shiver down my spine. Why? Not sure. I've just never dealt well with growing older, I suppose. So everytime my birthday is coming up, I panic. Sometimes to the point where I have cute little mental breakdowns, and just want to die. It may sound silly, but when you're in my head I can promise you that it's not pleasant. I've had days where I'd literally do anything to avoid my own birthday, even kill myself. That's how extreme my fear of this one day of the year is.
But, this year I'm trying hard to finally get over that fear. I'm going to try and put it behind me, and finally be able to just celebrate myself. I've wanted that for years, but never been able to do it. And, ugh, last years birthday was the worst I've ever had. Sitting alone, in someone else's apartment, crying the entire day, is NOT something I want to experience again. It still haunts me. I try to put it out of my mind, but like so many other things I'd rather forget, it just keeps coming back. Like a virus you just can't get rid of. And it annoys me. So, I want to counter it, by having a good birthday this year. And if I can keep it up, my goal is to finally be able to look forward to my birthday by the time I reach 30. This is, at least, the start.
And I'm going to start tomorrow. It's Friday the 13th, and I'm going to use it as my ME day. I'll make something nice to eat, have candy and beer, and just enjoy the entire day and pamper myself. Saturday I'll, hopefully, go out and eat with my family, and in the evening I've invited people over for a party. I'm hoping we'll go out and dance and have fun later that night. And on Sunday, hung over and all that, I'll have coffee and cake with my closest family at my mum's place, and I'll stay there with them all day. I'm going to enjoy this weekend. And my birthday.
I'm not going to panic. Not even once.
Oh, but I have tortured myself. I hope I'll be able to move by saturday, or my party might get a bit dull. Right now, my body hurts so much that even breathing is painful every now and then. It's completely my own fault for overdoing things and being an idiot, but I still feel sorry for myself nontheless. Me? In a bad shape? Understatement of the year, that is...
My sister got me to go with her to do some half hour workout on Tuesday, to try out the gym she's a member of. Half an hour doesn't sound like much, but when you're a gaming geek like me where the most workout you get is when you wave your wii controller around, it's pretty rough. And we used weights. In half an hour, we trained all the major muscle groups, using the weights, and by the time I was done I was in pain. So, the day after, I felt like I had been beaten. Every time I moved, it hurt. Yet I went to town with mum, and as we sat down for a coffee, my sister walked by. And, she wanted me to come with her to the gym again, for an hour of something called a "Full Package". Stupid as I was, I said yes.
Now, I had my first workout session EVER the day before, and were already feeling beat up. Then I attend an HOUR of jumping up and down, running around, and lifting weights, training all the already sore muscles and not really standing still for even a minute. I nearly died. I don't know how many times I just wanted to cry, for real, cause it was so exhausting and painful. And yet I kept pushing myself, way beyond my own limits. Needless to say, today I am uncapable of moving. It took me half an hour just to get dress this morning. And, of course, lucky me had an appointment on the other side of town today, and it takes an hour to walk there.
I've seriously tortured myself. And I kind of hate myself for it.
Of course, I do feel good as well, knowing that I've managed to drag myself off my lazy behind. I really want to get in better shape, cause right now I don't even have muscles let alone good ones. And if you want something, sitting on your ass won't help you get it. So yeah, I'm pleased with myself. And it was fun. But, I've learned my lesson; ease into the whole training thing. Killing myself won't help me get in better shape, lol.
I have a lot of things I need to do, especially if I'm to get the place to look a bit more tidy for when my guests arrive on Saturday, but it's not gonna happen today. I'm slowly learning not to push myself, so I'mma let myself take it easy the rest of the day today. Gonna attempt some dinner making, and then I'll just pass out on my couch and maybe watch some TV. I don't think I even want to game. I just want to do absolutely nothing, and let my poor body rest.
I owe it that much, after the torture I've put it through, haha!
mandag 9. januar 2012
And a new year begins
I'm a bit late in wishing you all a happy new year, but my excuse is Zelda. My brother gave me Skyward Sword for x-mas, and I've been stuck to my wii all last week. And, when I get stuck to something, I tend to stay there for a while and forget about the rest of the world. Though, I managed to beat the game in 6 days! I'm quite proud of that. Only problem is that now I have no more Zelda to play, and that makes me a bit sadfaced. I'd replay Ocarina of Time, but I realized the other day that I don't have it here! More sadface. Which means that I'll have to shift my focus on to sensible things, like house chores. Eek.
Anyway, what can I say about the new year so far? Well, not much, really. I'm still bent on sticking to my plan of fixing my life. I don't want to change myself, or anything like that, but I need to figure out who I am and organize the chaos that is me and my life. And my apartment. And, I'm going to use all of 2012 to get that done! No more rushing cause I have to be perfect, like, yesterday. I only stress myself when I set expectations like that. This is MY year, so I'm gonna take my time and focus 100% on myself. I'm gonna teach myself something I've never known how to do; accept myself for who I am, and love myself. And to do that, I'mma be selfish. Or at least try to. No more sacrificing myself for the sake of others! No more saying yes to everything cause I can't handle saying no to people cause I don't want to hurt them! And no more ignoring my own needs to satisfy the needs of others!
I just hope I can keep that up. Grow a backbone, and all that.
Either way, I'm planning on documenting it all. But not here. You know, I love this blog, and I love my readers, but I've come to realize that I'm not really honest in here. Or, well, I'm not lying or anything, but I am not writing everything. I hold a lot of things back, cause I don't want to offend anyone. And I keep from mention names, cause I don't want to point fingers. Even in my own personal blog, I tread carefully for the sake of others, and end up keeping things to myself instead of sharing them. And I doubt that'll ever change, unfortunately. So, this is why I have started on a new blog (yes, I know, I have a fetish for making new and improved blogs. Whatever.), and in there I won't be giving a damn if I'll offend anyone. I'll be as honest as can be, and write exactly how I feel and think. And I will mention names and point fingers. I'll still keep this blog, and update it whenever I feel like writing something down, and linking the entries on FB as usual. Nothing will change in here. But the new blog will be about my road to finding myself, and nothing else, and it will be updated every sunday. But I will not be linking the entries on FB or anything like that. So if any of my readers want to follow that blog, they need to remember to check in themselves. Mainly cause I'm not having that blog for the sake of my readers, but for the sake of myself. It's good to have someplace to document my progress, so that I can go back and look at it if I ever forget how far I've gotten.
This will be the first and only time I post the link to the blog, just so you know.
aratri.blogspot.com
And this links to the first entry, which is lengthy as hell. You've been warned.
These first months, the entries will be scentered around things that have been, and who I currently am. It'll be me trying to shake off things from the past, so that I can get ready to move forward. And then, after a while, I'll hopefully start writing about my progress.
Okay, now with that aside, we can go back to the regular schedule. And I have to say that I'm excited about the new year. I really hope it'll bring good things to my life, and that I can figure things out. Although, at the moment my focus is mainly on keeping myself from going into a panic state. I'm 6 days away from my birthday, and so far I've been avoiding the yearly birthday anxiety, but I can feel it poking me at the back of my head. Ugh, most of me just want to ignore the whole day. But, if I am ever to get rid of my birthday issues, then I need to face them head on and celebrate my day properly. And have a good time.
So, my plan so far, is... Since my birthday is on a sunday, I'll be going out on saturday. I think. I need to check around and see if any of my friends are available for going out with me, and then maybe have a small party at my place before going out. We'll see. But on sunday, I'm thinking a simple coffee and cakes at mum's place, and that's it. It'll be a simple, but hopefully a good, birthday. And I'm hoping I'll get more keys. I don't have nearly enough.
But, as soon as my birthday is out of the way, I'm going to start focusing on this new year, and all the exciting projects I'm going to be working on. Cause I've got a whole bunch of projects I've been planning, and I've saved them all for 2012! And I should start with the lists. Cause lists are good to have. So, making lists of all the things I want done by the end of the year, will help me get it all done. Or, that's my plan, at least.
No, you know what? I'm going to start with turning the heater up, cause my hands are almost frozen now from all this typing. It's a bit chilly here.
Anyway.. HAPPY NEW YEAR, MY LOVELIES! Let's all hope it'll bring good things.
Anyway, what can I say about the new year so far? Well, not much, really. I'm still bent on sticking to my plan of fixing my life. I don't want to change myself, or anything like that, but I need to figure out who I am and organize the chaos that is me and my life. And my apartment. And, I'm going to use all of 2012 to get that done! No more rushing cause I have to be perfect, like, yesterday. I only stress myself when I set expectations like that. This is MY year, so I'm gonna take my time and focus 100% on myself. I'm gonna teach myself something I've never known how to do; accept myself for who I am, and love myself. And to do that, I'mma be selfish. Or at least try to. No more sacrificing myself for the sake of others! No more saying yes to everything cause I can't handle saying no to people cause I don't want to hurt them! And no more ignoring my own needs to satisfy the needs of others!
I just hope I can keep that up. Grow a backbone, and all that.
Either way, I'm planning on documenting it all. But not here. You know, I love this blog, and I love my readers, but I've come to realize that I'm not really honest in here. Or, well, I'm not lying or anything, but I am not writing everything. I hold a lot of things back, cause I don't want to offend anyone. And I keep from mention names, cause I don't want to point fingers. Even in my own personal blog, I tread carefully for the sake of others, and end up keeping things to myself instead of sharing them. And I doubt that'll ever change, unfortunately. So, this is why I have started on a new blog (yes, I know, I have a fetish for making new and improved blogs. Whatever.), and in there I won't be giving a damn if I'll offend anyone. I'll be as honest as can be, and write exactly how I feel and think. And I will mention names and point fingers. I'll still keep this blog, and update it whenever I feel like writing something down, and linking the entries on FB as usual. Nothing will change in here. But the new blog will be about my road to finding myself, and nothing else, and it will be updated every sunday. But I will not be linking the entries on FB or anything like that. So if any of my readers want to follow that blog, they need to remember to check in themselves. Mainly cause I'm not having that blog for the sake of my readers, but for the sake of myself. It's good to have someplace to document my progress, so that I can go back and look at it if I ever forget how far I've gotten.
This will be the first and only time I post the link to the blog, just so you know.
aratri.blogspot.com
And this links to the first entry, which is lengthy as hell. You've been warned.
These first months, the entries will be scentered around things that have been, and who I currently am. It'll be me trying to shake off things from the past, so that I can get ready to move forward. And then, after a while, I'll hopefully start writing about my progress.
Okay, now with that aside, we can go back to the regular schedule. And I have to say that I'm excited about the new year. I really hope it'll bring good things to my life, and that I can figure things out. Although, at the moment my focus is mainly on keeping myself from going into a panic state. I'm 6 days away from my birthday, and so far I've been avoiding the yearly birthday anxiety, but I can feel it poking me at the back of my head. Ugh, most of me just want to ignore the whole day. But, if I am ever to get rid of my birthday issues, then I need to face them head on and celebrate my day properly. And have a good time.
So, my plan so far, is... Since my birthday is on a sunday, I'll be going out on saturday. I think. I need to check around and see if any of my friends are available for going out with me, and then maybe have a small party at my place before going out. We'll see. But on sunday, I'm thinking a simple coffee and cakes at mum's place, and that's it. It'll be a simple, but hopefully a good, birthday. And I'm hoping I'll get more keys. I don't have nearly enough.
But, as soon as my birthday is out of the way, I'm going to start focusing on this new year, and all the exciting projects I'm going to be working on. Cause I've got a whole bunch of projects I've been planning, and I've saved them all for 2012! And I should start with the lists. Cause lists are good to have. So, making lists of all the things I want done by the end of the year, will help me get it all done. Or, that's my plan, at least.
No, you know what? I'm going to start with turning the heater up, cause my hands are almost frozen now from all this typing. It's a bit chilly here.
Anyway.. HAPPY NEW YEAR, MY LOVELIES! Let's all hope it'll bring good things.
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