March is nearing it's end now. For some reason I expected this month to be a good one, and I'm disappointed in the fact that I was wrong. It was just like any other month, boring and lonely, and I made no real progress to brag about on the areas I want to make progress. I just hope next month will be better...
My social circle is next to non existent. Just about the only place I'm social is online, and even there I'm being avoidant. I so envy people who manage to stay social and keep friends, more than anyone will ever understand, cause I want so badly to have what they have. A social life. Friends to hang out with. And most of all, the lack of anxiety that holds you back. I think I've gotten to a point where I quite honestly hate my anxiety. Like really hate it. It is literally ruining my life, and killing me from the inside. Stupid thing.
So yeah, even though I've made a lot of progress on other areas with my self-therapy, it looks as if I've had a major setback on my social areas. These days it's hard just going online, cause my social anxiety flares up for no real reason at all. I've started avoiding online sites where I might end up talking to people. If that isn't a setback, then I don't know what is. *sigh*
But I'm still pushing myself a lot, hoping that I'll somehow overcome this. I'm trying real hard to force myself to go online, making comments and status changes on FB, and posting replies to people on GO, as well as answering notes and such on dA. I can't really say it's going great, but that doesn't mean I'll stop forcing myself. Somehow, I'm gonna get to a point where I can go online and even chat with people without chocking on my own anxiety. And when that point's behind me, I'll work my way towards being able to text people, and then work towards being able to call them. After that, I hope I'll be able to work my way towards being able to meet people and walk into town on my own without the constant anxiety threatening to kill me.
But I know it's a long way to go. Especially now that I've exhausted myself with the way I've been pushing myself with this whole self-therapy thing. Two weeks of constant pushing, and then I fall flat on my face, too exhausted to keep going. So, lately I've done nothing but sit and stare at the TV, shutting the world out. I'm just too tired to deal with anything at all.
I've learned that I'm good at hiding things. People always say I come across as a confident and social being, that's not afraid of standing out, and they're all impressed with me. It's good to hear such things, even though they're so far away from the truth as one can get. I suppose it's a pride thing. I don't want people to see how weak I am, and how bad things are, so I hide it by acting confident and well. And, then there's the thing about me not wanting others to worry about me. They've got enough on their plates with their own troubles, so why should I bother them with mine? No, it's better to just pretend everything's okay and deal with it all on my own. Yeah, I know, it doesn't really give me the "honesty of the year" award, but at least I don't have to feel bad about bothering others with all my issues. Cause I know how bothersome my issues can be...
I just wish I had courage, confidence, and that I could have faith in myself. I wish I had strength. The strength to be confident and do what I want. The strength to be social and make friends I can spend time with. The strength to catch love instead of letting it slip away. I just want to be a strong person. One it's worth caring about, and fighting for.
Yeah, I know, a bit depressive entry this time. I'm just tired and down lately, so it's hard to focus on the good things. And it's a bit annoying to discover that I've had such a major setback when I thought I was making progress. It just ruins that good feeling I had.
Hopefully this'll pass, and next month'll be a good one, so I can have something good to write about next time.
mandag 28. mars 2011
tirsdag 15. mars 2011
I'm thinking of you
Something I've always known, but rediscovered through my self-therapy, is that I'm a thinker. The amount of thoughts inside my head isn't something that could ever be counted, and whatever comes out my mouth is just a small drop in the ocean of what's going on inside my head. I think a lot.
I don't really tell people, nor do I show it often, but I care. And I love. And I think of you. All the time. The people closest to me, whom I love, are always on my mind, every single day. I think about you, wondering what you're doing, if you're okay, and hoping that all is well. I can honestly say that 90% of my daily thoughts are dedicated to the people I care about, while the remaining 10% is evenly shared by things such as food, sleep, and whichever project I'm currently working on. The number one most important thing in my life is that the people I care about is okay. I live for you, and for no other reason.
I know I don't show it. I know I never call, or text, so that you may know that I care, and I'm sorry. I've got self-esteem issues and anxiety issues, and on the bad days even calling my own mother is hard. I'm always so damned scared, yet I'm not completely sure of what it is I'm afraid of. I'm just scared, and hiding. I always hide. I guess I'm just really hopeless.
But what I want you to know is that you're always on my mind. I'm always thinking about you. Every single thing you say or do affects me, and I always hide here in my own little cave, watching you and listening to everything you say, as long as I can see and hear you. Because I care. Because I love you. And because your happiness and good health is important to me. Because I want your life to be a good one.
I often wish for magical powers, because we all know I'm weird like that, but almost every single time I wish for them it's cause someone close to me is in some kind of pain, and I wish so badly that I could magically make it go away. If I could take that pain you're going through upon myself, I'd do it in a heartbeat. I'd go through hell and back again, if only it could make you reach heaven. All I ever want, is for you to be happy.
I want you to know that I care. That I love you. That I'm always here for you no matter what, and if you ever need to talk then never hesitate to ask. You can ask anything of me, always, and I'll try my best to deliver. No matter what it is. I may not know the right words to tell you when you're down, but that doesn't mean I don't care. I'm just bad at finding those right words. I'm generally not good at anything at all, but that'll never change the fact that you're important to me and that I'll always do my best for you if you ask me to. I want you to know that I'll always care, and always pray for your happiness. That I'll never turn my back on you.
I want you to know, that I'm thinking of you.
Always.
Mo Okali, Ati Amirai
fredag 11. mars 2011
Analyze it - Brick by brick
I've been getting some praise from my psychologist for starting a type of self-therapy all on my own. It wasn't a request, or a tip, from her that made me do it, but just me finally finding something within myself that I didn't even knew I was looking for. And ever since I found that thing, I've been working very hard inside my own head, trying to figure things out.
It's not an easy thing, that much must be said, and these past weeks have been extremely tough on me. Sure, I've tried my best to not let it show, but I've had a really rough time lately, trying to figure out some things about myself, all on my own. Why I'm keeping this up? Well, I suppose I've just led my life thinking that "okay, so there's something wrong with me, and nothing I can do about it" and it just makes me kind of think that I don't care enough about myself. Yeah, there's a lot of things that are wrong with me, but why shouldn't I bother with the effort of figuring out what's wrong, and what I can do to fix it? Sure, it's a long way to go to figure things out, but it's about damned time I cared enough about myself to actually start walking.
Safe to say, a lot of thoughts have been going through my head lately. Not a lot of nice thoughts, I'll admit, but they're probably necessary thoughts in this process. I suppose the most important thought I've started thinking is "why?" above anything else. It's a thought that forces me to dive a little deeper into my head, and analyze a lot of things.
And this is what I've been doing. Analyzing. I'm analyzing every single thing inside my head, bit by bit, and every single though I have, and everything that's behind those thoughts. It's a slow process, yes, but at least it's a start. I've gotten to analyze a lot of things so far, and I've gotten some surprising results. Of course, not all of the results have been surprising, but at least some are. All in all, I've learned that this analyzing thing that I am doing can be really good for me, and I'm hoping that down the end of this line I'll finally find something good inside myself that'll make me feel a bit better about myself and my life.
I'll tell you one thing that was a lot of fun to analyze and find an answer to; my sexuality. I know a lot of people won't believe me when I say this, but I've struggled for years feeling uncertain about my own sexuality. People have called me a lot of things, and I've never really felt comfortable about anything, and more often than not have I've been forcing myself into directions I'd rather not go. I've done a lot of self-torment on this area, for reasons that are still unknown to me, and have caused myself a lot of pain and heartache. But now, finally, I've found the answer I was looking for. And I can't even begin to describe how amazing that felt. It's a solid brick for me to use in building my home, and even if it's just one brick, it's way better than none at all. It's the first real time I've had something firm in my life to hold on to in so long, and I'll treasure it dearly.
Brick by brick, I'll somehow manage to build the building I've been dreaming of.
Another thing to mention is a part I'm struggling a lot with. And that is motivation. I can't seem to figure out how to motivate myself into doing the things I want to do, and it's causing me a lot of trouble. I mean, even the smallest of things, like feeling motivated to turn on the computer and go online is hard, and that's extremely bothersome for me. I've just started digging into this with my analyzing project, so I haven't really come up with any good answers or solutions just yet, but I am hoping that I'll be able to keep at it and keep digging until I can find something that'll make it easier for me to motivate myself. I think that one of the things I really need in my life right now is a bit of motivation, and one that doesn't go away after a minute or so.
But, anyways, my real point behind all this is that I'm making progress.
Progress is slow and painful, and I'm not really feeling all that good about myself lately, but at least it's progress. It's way better than crawling into a corner and crying myself to sleep, cause I can honestly say that I'm so tired of that. I'm walking down a hard and difficult path, and sadly I'm walking down it alone, but I am not going to stop until I reach the end of that path and have something good to look back on.
I'll keep analyzing, and finding my answers, and adding more bricks to my home.
It's not an easy thing, that much must be said, and these past weeks have been extremely tough on me. Sure, I've tried my best to not let it show, but I've had a really rough time lately, trying to figure out some things about myself, all on my own. Why I'm keeping this up? Well, I suppose I've just led my life thinking that "okay, so there's something wrong with me, and nothing I can do about it" and it just makes me kind of think that I don't care enough about myself. Yeah, there's a lot of things that are wrong with me, but why shouldn't I bother with the effort of figuring out what's wrong, and what I can do to fix it? Sure, it's a long way to go to figure things out, but it's about damned time I cared enough about myself to actually start walking.
Safe to say, a lot of thoughts have been going through my head lately. Not a lot of nice thoughts, I'll admit, but they're probably necessary thoughts in this process. I suppose the most important thought I've started thinking is "why?" above anything else. It's a thought that forces me to dive a little deeper into my head, and analyze a lot of things.
And this is what I've been doing. Analyzing. I'm analyzing every single thing inside my head, bit by bit, and every single though I have, and everything that's behind those thoughts. It's a slow process, yes, but at least it's a start. I've gotten to analyze a lot of things so far, and I've gotten some surprising results. Of course, not all of the results have been surprising, but at least some are. All in all, I've learned that this analyzing thing that I am doing can be really good for me, and I'm hoping that down the end of this line I'll finally find something good inside myself that'll make me feel a bit better about myself and my life.
I'll tell you one thing that was a lot of fun to analyze and find an answer to; my sexuality. I know a lot of people won't believe me when I say this, but I've struggled for years feeling uncertain about my own sexuality. People have called me a lot of things, and I've never really felt comfortable about anything, and more often than not have I've been forcing myself into directions I'd rather not go. I've done a lot of self-torment on this area, for reasons that are still unknown to me, and have caused myself a lot of pain and heartache. But now, finally, I've found the answer I was looking for. And I can't even begin to describe how amazing that felt. It's a solid brick for me to use in building my home, and even if it's just one brick, it's way better than none at all. It's the first real time I've had something firm in my life to hold on to in so long, and I'll treasure it dearly.
Brick by brick, I'll somehow manage to build the building I've been dreaming of.
Another thing to mention is a part I'm struggling a lot with. And that is motivation. I can't seem to figure out how to motivate myself into doing the things I want to do, and it's causing me a lot of trouble. I mean, even the smallest of things, like feeling motivated to turn on the computer and go online is hard, and that's extremely bothersome for me. I've just started digging into this with my analyzing project, so I haven't really come up with any good answers or solutions just yet, but I am hoping that I'll be able to keep at it and keep digging until I can find something that'll make it easier for me to motivate myself. I think that one of the things I really need in my life right now is a bit of motivation, and one that doesn't go away after a minute or so.
But, anyways, my real point behind all this is that I'm making progress.
Progress is slow and painful, and I'm not really feeling all that good about myself lately, but at least it's progress. It's way better than crawling into a corner and crying myself to sleep, cause I can honestly say that I'm so tired of that. I'm walking down a hard and difficult path, and sadly I'm walking down it alone, but I am not going to stop until I reach the end of that path and have something good to look back on.
I'll keep analyzing, and finding my answers, and adding more bricks to my home.
lørdag 5. mars 2011
Random ramblings of a drunk person
Love.
Now, there's something that keeps escaping me no matter how hard I try. I know a lot about it, actually, despite what most people might think, and yet I can't seem to catch it. It's like it's always just beyond my reach, and no matter how hard I stretch I can't seem to close my hands around it. It's coming to a point where I actually start wondering if I'll ever get to feel it at all.
Now, don't get me wrong; I've experienced love before. I know what it's like to love, as I've loved a lot of people in a lot of different ways, but my point is that I've never really known what it's like to be loved back. I've loved with my entire being, given everything of myself to others, but I've never gotten the same in return. It seems that people always flee from me, or treat me like crap, when it comes to love.
So, what I'm pondering on... Is it me there's something wrong with?
I can't seem to get a relationship to last - unless it's a dysfunctional one, then it'll last too long - and I'm always the one that gets left behind. I've heard every single excuse there is for why they can't be with me, but in the end that's all they are; excuses. Is it really that hard to love me? I mean, what the hell am I doing wrong that makes everyone I love want to leave me? Don't I deserve being loved? Am I not worth it? Am I not something anyone can be bothered fighting for? Am I just crap?
Yes, I'll admit it; I'm lonely. I wish with all my heart that I had someone to share my life with, so that the pain I feel every single day might've been easier to deal with. I want to be able to love someone, and actually feel that they love me back and give just as much of themselves to me as I give of myself to them. But in the end, this seems like the kind of happiness I'm not allowed to have.
I can't get the love of my life to love me, and trust me; I've tried for years, and I can't seem to find anyone else that'll love me either, so where the fuck am I going to end up? A very large part of me has already settled on, ages ago, that I'll be spending my life alone.
Yeah, yeah, I know I'm "just 26, and got my whole life ahead of me" and all that crap, but those words don't do shit to comfort me when I'm sitting alone in a tiny ass apartment and feel so lonely that I want to friggin' drown myself. They hold no promises. And what I need right now, is promises. I need love. I need someone that is willing to fight for me, to fight for my love, and fight for being able to just be by my side. No one has ever done that... I've fought for a lot of people, but no one has ever fought for me.
I suppose I'm just not worth it.
But, at the end of the night, I suppose I'm just drunk and rambling. Yeah, love is my biggest dream along with being my biggest issue, and right now I'm drunk enough to actually talk about it. But tomorrow, when I'm sober, I'll just ignore this entire entry and resume my mask of being perfectly okay with the thought of never being loved and act out the role of one that says "sure, you're right. I'm young and will eventually find the right one to settle down with." whenever someone talks about love. I'll just pretend this rambling session never happened, and go on with my life.
And never again - at least not in a sober state - will I ever mention just how fucking lonely I am and how much I effin hate my life.
This'll stay between me and my drunk self, just like a thousand other things.
Now, there's something that keeps escaping me no matter how hard I try. I know a lot about it, actually, despite what most people might think, and yet I can't seem to catch it. It's like it's always just beyond my reach, and no matter how hard I stretch I can't seem to close my hands around it. It's coming to a point where I actually start wondering if I'll ever get to feel it at all.
Now, don't get me wrong; I've experienced love before. I know what it's like to love, as I've loved a lot of people in a lot of different ways, but my point is that I've never really known what it's like to be loved back. I've loved with my entire being, given everything of myself to others, but I've never gotten the same in return. It seems that people always flee from me, or treat me like crap, when it comes to love.
So, what I'm pondering on... Is it me there's something wrong with?
I can't seem to get a relationship to last - unless it's a dysfunctional one, then it'll last too long - and I'm always the one that gets left behind. I've heard every single excuse there is for why they can't be with me, but in the end that's all they are; excuses. Is it really that hard to love me? I mean, what the hell am I doing wrong that makes everyone I love want to leave me? Don't I deserve being loved? Am I not worth it? Am I not something anyone can be bothered fighting for? Am I just crap?
Yes, I'll admit it; I'm lonely. I wish with all my heart that I had someone to share my life with, so that the pain I feel every single day might've been easier to deal with. I want to be able to love someone, and actually feel that they love me back and give just as much of themselves to me as I give of myself to them. But in the end, this seems like the kind of happiness I'm not allowed to have.
I can't get the love of my life to love me, and trust me; I've tried for years, and I can't seem to find anyone else that'll love me either, so where the fuck am I going to end up? A very large part of me has already settled on, ages ago, that I'll be spending my life alone.
Yeah, yeah, I know I'm "just 26, and got my whole life ahead of me" and all that crap, but those words don't do shit to comfort me when I'm sitting alone in a tiny ass apartment and feel so lonely that I want to friggin' drown myself. They hold no promises. And what I need right now, is promises. I need love. I need someone that is willing to fight for me, to fight for my love, and fight for being able to just be by my side. No one has ever done that... I've fought for a lot of people, but no one has ever fought for me.
I suppose I'm just not worth it.
But, at the end of the night, I suppose I'm just drunk and rambling. Yeah, love is my biggest dream along with being my biggest issue, and right now I'm drunk enough to actually talk about it. But tomorrow, when I'm sober, I'll just ignore this entire entry and resume my mask of being perfectly okay with the thought of never being loved and act out the role of one that says "sure, you're right. I'm young and will eventually find the right one to settle down with." whenever someone talks about love. I'll just pretend this rambling session never happened, and go on with my life.
And never again - at least not in a sober state - will I ever mention just how fucking lonely I am and how much I effin hate my life.
This'll stay between me and my drunk self, just like a thousand other things.
tirsdag 1. mars 2011
Oh, hi! I'm rambling.
Have you ever been so bored, that you've ended up doing absolutely nothing at all?
You want to draw something, and you look at the empty paper in front of you and your pencils, your head swimming with images you want to capture, and the pencil feels like it weighs a hundred ton in your hand. You just can't seem to move the hand at all, and all those fancy images in your head just end up swimming around without ever getting out.
You want to write something, and you open up a new document on your computer, words flickering back and forth within your mind like a thousand fireflies going haywire, and your hands feel like they've frozen over the keyboard. You can't seem to move them so you can type a single thing, and all those fireflies in your head just flicker around without getting caught.
You want to play a game, and the gaming console is right there in front of you and the controller neatly fit into your hand, and you can feel every atom in your body already getting in sync with the game movements you're all too familiar with, and you can't move a single muscle. You just sit there, the controller being far too heavy to move around, and stare at the black TV screen without being able to do anything at all.
You want to watch anime, the entertaining dialogs already cut out in your brain like a knife cut out words into wood, and the typical anime movements already a part of your system and making you move just like the characters you're eager to watch, and you just end up staring at the screen without even managing to look up the anime you want to see. You're done catching up with the shows you follow, and can't seem to get yourself to look up any new ones.
You know what I'm talking about? You're too drained to draw or write, feeling too out of it to game, have no anime you feel like watching, and all in all you're bored out of your skull and want to do anything and everything, but can't find a single speck of energy to do anything but stare at your computer screen and just pray something exciting happens.
Yeah, that would be just any other normal day for me.
My life isn't really interesting, that's for sure. But, there are reasons for that, naturally, and if you can be bothered to keep on reading even though you're probably already wanting to claw your eyes out, I'll tell you a little about myself. And my awesomely exciting life.
So, hi.
I am a female Norwegian at the age of 26. I consider myself to be pansexsual, and I am single and live by myself in a tiny apartment I've bought. I'm a gaming chick, and probably pretty nerdy, and I love drawing and writing and generally designing things. Gaming and design are my passions, and my dream is to one day own my own gaming company. If you're gonna dream, you gotta dream big! Hah! And I collect keys. They're my sick obsession, and if someone is stupid enough to leave their house keys or car keys out in front of me then they can consider them lost. I. Love. Keys. Which should be pretty obvious just by reading the name of my blog. Keyjester is a common online nick I use, and I think it suits me. I also got a thing for jesters, go figure.
People tell me I'm weird, and that's probably true. Got a lot of strange stuff in my head, and quite often those strange things escape and scare the shit outta those around me. I love bright colours, and my outfits often look like something taken out of a game or an anime, cause I tend to dress somewhat unusual. I dress based on my mood, and my mood is known to swing more violently than a roller coaster gone completely haywire. You've been warned. Ah, and yes, then there's the issue of me being utterly insane. Don't you just love life?
I don't have a job, and haven't had one for well over a year. I am, as they say, too "sick" to have a proper job. What that means? Well, I've been troubled all my life by various psychological issues, and this has, unfortunately, made me pretty incapable of functioning as a normal human being. I am diagnosed with a heavy depression, and even put on medication for that (after about a year of trying to talk me into trying it out), so I've had a lot of heavy periods in my life. I get sad very easy, needless to say, and some days are worse than others. I've also been diagnosed with a general anxiety disorder, so I'm lucky enough to be beaten to death by random anxiety attacks every now and then, just for the fun of it. I have been diagnosed with a severe Avoidant Personality Disorder, as well as a Dependent Personality Disorder, so I avoid confrontation and social contact, even though I'm highly dependent on people. I also got a slight hint of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, cause certain things (like my kitchen cabinets or grocery bags or pencil case) needs to be perfectly organized or I'll freak out. They've also considered (but not decided on. Yet.) ADHD, Bipolar disorder, Dissociative Disorder, and Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. Or something like that. All in all, my sanity is a bundle of joy to behold.
As I've said, my depression have given me a lot of heavy periods in my life where I've been extremely down. The past year have been one of my worst ones so far, just to have that said. The anxiety goes hand in hand with my depression, and I've had a lot of trouble with specifically social phobia and things like that. But, the worst troubles I've had are the periods where I've completely lost myself, not recognizing my own name and face, developing different personalities, and the times where I've started seeing and hearing things that aren't there. Always a lot of fun to sit alone in your apartment and see things crawling out of the walls and you know they're all out to get you. That... Doesn't go well with my anxiety, but I'm sure that speaks for itself. I've also been considered suicidal on several occasions, and not without reason. Sometimes, when my head becomes too unbearable, all I want to do is put a bullet through my brain. Just end everything, and escape. My life isn't worth much anyway.
Oh, and yeah, I've got the worst self-esteem ever. My worth is less than the crap you don't even want to step on. Wee!
So, how I've managed to live this long with all this shit? Nyah... I'm stubborn? Even when I'm ready to just give up, there's one tiny little part of me that goes "Damn it all to hell! I'm GONNA make it!" and refuse to let me die. And I manage to sometimes find joy in the smallest things, and that keeps me going a lot. Though, mostly I'd say it's my conscience. I simply do not have the conscience to leave certain people - that mean the world to me - behind and just take off. I've got friends, and family, that care for me, and for them, and them alone, I live my life. The ones closest to me, that I love the most, is my nearest family (especially my mum and siblings), my bestest friend in the whole wide world (whom I share worlds with), and my awesome online friends that always manage to keep me going. For them, I'd do anything. Even stay alive.
I complain a lot, by the way. I mostly end up writing blog entries when I feel like ranting, and don't have anyone to talk to. And I quite often feel like ranting, and despite having many good friends I often can't seem to bring myself to turn to anyone when I need to talk. You've been warned.
Oh, and, yeah. This isn't my first blog. Heh...
I just got a bit bored, and decided to do something new and exciting!
My previous blogs? Weeeell... They're full of ranting and all sorts of shit, but whatever.
If you're bored, and need something freaky to read, here they are:
http://aswaworld.blogspot.com/
http://wargmo.blogspot.com/ (Norwegian blog, btw)
http://asw-key.blogspot.com/
So, there you have it. Following this blog, and reading whatever shit gets spewed out here, is done entirely on your own responsibility. I can't guarantee it'll be a safe ride, ever, and I won't take responsibility if something goes wrong. This is where I'll be posting my thoughts and feelings, whatever they may be, and just randomly rambling down the honest truth I never dare share with anyone up front. As I said, I have problems with confrontations, and I never tell people how I really feel. This, this thing right here, is how I get things out. So, if you truly want to know what's really going on inside my head, this is the place to keep tabs on.
Thank you for your time, welcome back, and have a safe trip home!
*hands you a bag of candy*
~KeyJester
EDIT:
Okay, you know, I'm weird.
Just spent the last couple of hours reading through all of my three older blogs, and my gawd there's a lot of weird shit to be found in there. The first one is filled with nothing but heartache and whining and self-pity and disaster, while the second one (the Norwegian one) is filled with so much random rambling that I actually just laughed all the way through it. The last one is probably the most reasonable one, but there's still just a lot of complaining. I seriously complain a lot. But, I also see that these past years have really been hell on me. Reading through those blogs is not something I recommend for anyone other then those with a dying need to know how my life has been like behind the public mask I've been wearing. It's not a pretty sight.
I'm just amazed I'm still alive after all that shit I've been dragging myself through.
You want to draw something, and you look at the empty paper in front of you and your pencils, your head swimming with images you want to capture, and the pencil feels like it weighs a hundred ton in your hand. You just can't seem to move the hand at all, and all those fancy images in your head just end up swimming around without ever getting out.
You want to write something, and you open up a new document on your computer, words flickering back and forth within your mind like a thousand fireflies going haywire, and your hands feel like they've frozen over the keyboard. You can't seem to move them so you can type a single thing, and all those fireflies in your head just flicker around without getting caught.
You want to play a game, and the gaming console is right there in front of you and the controller neatly fit into your hand, and you can feel every atom in your body already getting in sync with the game movements you're all too familiar with, and you can't move a single muscle. You just sit there, the controller being far too heavy to move around, and stare at the black TV screen without being able to do anything at all.
You want to watch anime, the entertaining dialogs already cut out in your brain like a knife cut out words into wood, and the typical anime movements already a part of your system and making you move just like the characters you're eager to watch, and you just end up staring at the screen without even managing to look up the anime you want to see. You're done catching up with the shows you follow, and can't seem to get yourself to look up any new ones.
You know what I'm talking about? You're too drained to draw or write, feeling too out of it to game, have no anime you feel like watching, and all in all you're bored out of your skull and want to do anything and everything, but can't find a single speck of energy to do anything but stare at your computer screen and just pray something exciting happens.
Yeah, that would be just any other normal day for me.
My life isn't really interesting, that's for sure. But, there are reasons for that, naturally, and if you can be bothered to keep on reading even though you're probably already wanting to claw your eyes out, I'll tell you a little about myself. And my awesomely exciting life.
So, hi.
I am a female Norwegian at the age of 26. I consider myself to be pansexsual, and I am single and live by myself in a tiny apartment I've bought. I'm a gaming chick, and probably pretty nerdy, and I love drawing and writing and generally designing things. Gaming and design are my passions, and my dream is to one day own my own gaming company. If you're gonna dream, you gotta dream big! Hah! And I collect keys. They're my sick obsession, and if someone is stupid enough to leave their house keys or car keys out in front of me then they can consider them lost. I. Love. Keys. Which should be pretty obvious just by reading the name of my blog. Keyjester is a common online nick I use, and I think it suits me. I also got a thing for jesters, go figure.
People tell me I'm weird, and that's probably true. Got a lot of strange stuff in my head, and quite often those strange things escape and scare the shit outta those around me. I love bright colours, and my outfits often look like something taken out of a game or an anime, cause I tend to dress somewhat unusual. I dress based on my mood, and my mood is known to swing more violently than a roller coaster gone completely haywire. You've been warned. Ah, and yes, then there's the issue of me being utterly insane. Don't you just love life?
I don't have a job, and haven't had one for well over a year. I am, as they say, too "sick" to have a proper job. What that means? Well, I've been troubled all my life by various psychological issues, and this has, unfortunately, made me pretty incapable of functioning as a normal human being. I am diagnosed with a heavy depression, and even put on medication for that (after about a year of trying to talk me into trying it out), so I've had a lot of heavy periods in my life. I get sad very easy, needless to say, and some days are worse than others. I've also been diagnosed with a general anxiety disorder, so I'm lucky enough to be beaten to death by random anxiety attacks every now and then, just for the fun of it. I have been diagnosed with a severe Avoidant Personality Disorder, as well as a Dependent Personality Disorder, so I avoid confrontation and social contact, even though I'm highly dependent on people. I also got a slight hint of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, cause certain things (like my kitchen cabinets or grocery bags or pencil case) needs to be perfectly organized or I'll freak out. They've also considered (but not decided on. Yet.) ADHD, Bipolar disorder, Dissociative Disorder, and Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. Or something like that. All in all, my sanity is a bundle of joy to behold.
As I've said, my depression have given me a lot of heavy periods in my life where I've been extremely down. The past year have been one of my worst ones so far, just to have that said. The anxiety goes hand in hand with my depression, and I've had a lot of trouble with specifically social phobia and things like that. But, the worst troubles I've had are the periods where I've completely lost myself, not recognizing my own name and face, developing different personalities, and the times where I've started seeing and hearing things that aren't there. Always a lot of fun to sit alone in your apartment and see things crawling out of the walls and you know they're all out to get you. That... Doesn't go well with my anxiety, but I'm sure that speaks for itself. I've also been considered suicidal on several occasions, and not without reason. Sometimes, when my head becomes too unbearable, all I want to do is put a bullet through my brain. Just end everything, and escape. My life isn't worth much anyway.
Oh, and yeah, I've got the worst self-esteem ever. My worth is less than the crap you don't even want to step on. Wee!
So, how I've managed to live this long with all this shit? Nyah... I'm stubborn? Even when I'm ready to just give up, there's one tiny little part of me that goes "Damn it all to hell! I'm GONNA make it!" and refuse to let me die. And I manage to sometimes find joy in the smallest things, and that keeps me going a lot. Though, mostly I'd say it's my conscience. I simply do not have the conscience to leave certain people - that mean the world to me - behind and just take off. I've got friends, and family, that care for me, and for them, and them alone, I live my life. The ones closest to me, that I love the most, is my nearest family (especially my mum and siblings), my bestest friend in the whole wide world (whom I share worlds with), and my awesome online friends that always manage to keep me going. For them, I'd do anything. Even stay alive.
I complain a lot, by the way. I mostly end up writing blog entries when I feel like ranting, and don't have anyone to talk to. And I quite often feel like ranting, and despite having many good friends I often can't seem to bring myself to turn to anyone when I need to talk. You've been warned.
Oh, and, yeah. This isn't my first blog. Heh...
I just got a bit bored, and decided to do something new and exciting!
My previous blogs? Weeeell... They're full of ranting and all sorts of shit, but whatever.
If you're bored, and need something freaky to read, here they are:
http://aswaworld.blogspot.com/
http://wargmo.blogspot.com/ (Norwegian blog, btw)
http://asw-key.blogspot.com/
So, there you have it. Following this blog, and reading whatever shit gets spewed out here, is done entirely on your own responsibility. I can't guarantee it'll be a safe ride, ever, and I won't take responsibility if something goes wrong. This is where I'll be posting my thoughts and feelings, whatever they may be, and just randomly rambling down the honest truth I never dare share with anyone up front. As I said, I have problems with confrontations, and I never tell people how I really feel. This, this thing right here, is how I get things out. So, if you truly want to know what's really going on inside my head, this is the place to keep tabs on.
Thank you for your time, welcome back, and have a safe trip home!
*hands you a bag of candy*
~KeyJester
EDIT:
Okay, you know, I'm weird.
Just spent the last couple of hours reading through all of my three older blogs, and my gawd there's a lot of weird shit to be found in there. The first one is filled with nothing but heartache and whining and self-pity and disaster, while the second one (the Norwegian one) is filled with so much random rambling that I actually just laughed all the way through it. The last one is probably the most reasonable one, but there's still just a lot of complaining. I seriously complain a lot. But, I also see that these past years have really been hell on me. Reading through those blogs is not something I recommend for anyone other then those with a dying need to know how my life has been like behind the public mask I've been wearing. It's not a pretty sight.
I'm just amazed I'm still alive after all that shit I've been dragging myself through.
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