I'm going to talk about Split Personalities.
Do you know anyone with a diagnose like that? Like an actual official diagnose. Someone who's one person one minute, and the next suddenly acts completely different and might even answer to an entirely different name. How do you handle someone like that? How do you manage to.. I don't know.. Keep up with it? And just generally have someone like that in your life? And how do you know if they're actually real, or not just faking it, wearing masks just to manipulate you?
First off, what is split personalities? In the movies, they show one very common version of some sweet and kind person that, without even knowing it, suddenly takes on an entirely different personality and name that is like the evil version of themselves, and they switch back and forth. You know, that typical one, like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. But is that how it really is? Or is that just extreme cases?
I mean, I can't really question the existence of such a, what do you call it? Diagnose? Illness? Condition? I don't know. Whatever you call it, there are known cases that has been confirmed by actual doctors up over the years. If one are to believe such things, that is. I've been googling it, trying to find more information about it.
"Split personality is sometimes used to describe the psychiatric diagnosis Dissociative identity disorder."
-says Wikipedia.
So I click on the link to read about Dissociative identity disorder, and Wikipedia says this-
"Dissociative identity disorder (DID), also known as multiple personality disorder, is a mental disorder characterized by at least two distinct and relatively enduring identities or dissociated personality states that alternately control a person's behavior, and is accompanied by memory impairment for important information not explained by ordinary forgetfulness."
"The number of alters varies widely, with most patients identifying fewer than ten, though as many as 4,500 have been reported. The average number of alters has increased over the past few decades, from two or three to now an average of approximately 16. The primary identity, which often has the patient's given name, tends to be "passive, dependent, guilty and depressed" with other personalities or "alters" being more active, aggressive or hostile, and often containing more complete memories. Most identities are of ordinary people, though fictional, mythical, celebrity and animal alters have also been reported."
"Most dissociative disorder cases have co-morbid mental disorders."
"The most common presenting complaint of DID is depression, with headaches being a common neurological symptom. Co-morbid disorders can include substance abuse, eating, anxiety, posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and personality disorders."
"DID is one of the most controversial psychiatric disorders with no clear consensus regarding its diagnosis or treatment."
Wikipedia has a lot to say about this.. Condition. You can read about it yourself, if you want to know more. There was a lot to go through there...
I found a medical page as well, since Wikipedia can only be trusted to a certain length, and it said this-
"Most of us have experienced mild dissociation, which is like daydreaming or getting lost in the moment while working on a project. However, dissociative identity disorder is a severe form of dissociation, a mental process, which produces a lack of connection in a person's thoughts, memories, feelings, actions, or sense of identity."
"Dissociative identity disorder is characterized by the presence of two or more distinct or split identities or personality states that continually have power over the person's behavior."
Again, there was a lot to read through, and I only picked a couple of things to quote, but if you want to know more you can read through the article yourself. It had a lot of interesting things to say.
I can spend hours and hours reading around the internet and in books about the subject, but I mostly find the same kind of information. It's a difficult condition, both to diagnose and to deal with, and most commonly it manifests as different "minds" inhabiting one body, if I can use such words. I also want to include an actual explanation of someone who has been diagnosed with split personalities, and how she experiences it by quoting some of the things she has said.
"I hear voices sometimes, I do. But mainly I feel them, inside me. It's confusing, cause sometimes I become aware of having lost several hours, or even days, where I have memory of doing things I know I normally wouldn't do, and that I am certain that I actually didn't do. Someone else did those things, using my physical self to do them, cause the physical memories are often there. It's like we all share a common memory bank where all the information is stored, and that we can all access, though we also have our personal and private memories that the others can't access. Yeah, I use the term 'we' a lot, but you have to understand that it's hard to think of myself as one after all these years of being several.
We see ourselves as different people, but we're all inside the same physical being, which complicates things. Sometimes we argue about who's the 'real' one and should be in control the most, while other times we co-operate and switch between us depending on the situation we're. We mostly get along somewhat well, though there are exceptions. There are some that should never, ever come to the surface, cause it will cause a disaster.
Take one of the things you're really, really afraid of. A stupid example; zombies. Imagine that zombies are actually real, and that you're really, really afraid of them. Then imagine that there's an actual zombie living inside you, and that it constantly threatens to come out and destroy you and everything you love. If you can imagine how it's like to walk around and be constantly afraid of something inside yourself, then maybe you can imagine some of the fears that I have.
I have to admit though... After all this time, I'm not really sure who 'I' am anymore."
This is a rather special case, and the therapist treating this has stated that this specific case of split personalities is somewhat unique, partly because the patient is aware of it, and at the same time it's not. It's complicated, mainly because the patient is still having a lot of trouble accepting this condition, and is constantly battling to be a 'normal' person with one identity, which in turn causes the patient to hide behind the mask of one made up identity to prevent others from seeing all the other real identities.
Why am I reading up on all this, and why am I making an entry about it for you to read?
Because I'm trying to accept who I am, and stop hiding behind my mask.
And because this is my reality.
I want to start this explanation off by asking you to read an entry I wrote to another blog of mine (you're welcome to read the rest of the blog too, if you're bored and got nothing else to do). I wrote this entry in January, as an explanation to how my life has been, psychologically. Here's the entry.
My reality is a complicated one. I am diagnosed with split personalities, among a lot of other difficult things. A tiny list of the main things I've been diagnosed with is as follows:
- Split Personalities
- General Anxious Personality Disorder
- Depression and Anxiety
- Avoidant Personality Disorder
- Dependent Personality Disorder
But yes, the main thing I am talking about in this specific entry is my split personality disorder, which is something I've been trying to keep hidden all my life, cause it's not a diagnose I'm proud of in any way, and it's something that is hard for people to deal with. I'm having a really hard time accepting this diagnose, and I keep trying to find some other explanation to things, while I'm also trying really hard to pretend that I'm normal. Because I have several different identities, they all tend to hide behind the mask of one made up identity, so that I can at least attempt to portray one specific self to those around me.
But if we are to take away that mask, and look at the real identities underneath, how can I explain what is there? Depending on who of us you ask, you'll probably get different answers. Who I am right now as I am typing this is the most common personality to come by (and also the main personality, at least from my point of view), and what I will tell you is that we're several 'main' personalities with a little extra on the side. The ones I consider to be the main personalities is me, and two other, and we choose to see ourselves as a triangle. We're the same person, but three different sides of that person, and all three of us agree on that. But even though we see ourselves as the same person, we do not like to be addressed as such. We like people to see us as separate people. Don't ask me why, cause I'm not sure why. But that's how it is.
Aside from us three, the triangle of main personalities, I can't really say much. We tend to disagree a lot on that subject, and because I don't want to cause an argument, I'm not going to go too much in on it. I'm just going to state my personal point of view, being that aside from the triangle you have a lot of different minds - or basically people/persons - sharing the same physical body, and just leave it at that. I know what a lot of the others would say about this, but since I'm the one currently writing this, I choose to just state my personal opinion.
But hey, if you want other opinions, just catch any of my other selves when they're around, and ask them.
I guess that what I'm trying to say with this entry, is basically to confess about my main problem that I've tried to keep hidden, and share it with you so you know. I don't expect you to understand, and it's okay that you don't accept it and don't want to deal with, as long as you can at least respect it and how hard it is for me to deal with it. And also, maybe, if you've caught me doing the shifting, this can perhaps explain it to you, so you're a little less confused.
I really don't know what else to say. If you still feel like you need to know more, you are more than welcome to ask me, or us, questions. We actually encourage that. Depending on who's around, you'll get different answers, as previously mentioned, but most of us are very open and will do our best to answer whatever question you might have. I really, really do wish that people can understand this, and maybe one day even accept it so that maybe I can learn myself to accept it and live with it.
And, if you actually did take your time to read all this, then I thank you from the bottom of my heart. It actually means more to me than you'll ever know.
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