The End

I want to start off this entry by translating my favourite Norwegian poem, written by Sille Myreng (it can be found at the bottom of my blog). The first time I ever read that poem, it struck my heart so hard that I nearly lost my breath. It was as if it had been written for me. It's a gorgeous poem, and the rhyming is perfect, so translating it without ruining it is pretty much impossible. But, just so that my English readers can understand the words, I figured I'd translate it anyway, and just screw the rhyming.

Lonely, Alone

Once the Only, always the Only
in the wrong dimension you're alone, lonely
You breathe, you talk, but are not one of them
who call the bluegreen Tellus their home

The ugly duckling who'll never be a swan
cause the thoughts go on a different track
You yearn yourself away, but you don't know where
you just want to be where your kin lives

You stumble forward, every minute is agony
and wait for the ice around your heart to melt
Hours turn to days, memories to dust
but still you feel the yearning's breeze

You toss in your sleep, you don't want to borrow
any more time in a world with a strange moon
You sink down into bitter apathy
and know; alien, alone, that's how you'll stay


I just wanted to get that translated while I had it on my mind, cause I've been meaning to do so for a while now and just kept forgetting about it. I'm a forgetful thing, I am.



*


We're at the end of the year, and my head is more or less swimming in thoughts. This past year have been an emotional roller-coaster unlike anything I've ever experienced before, and it has brought bigger change to my life than I could ever dream of. The good times of this year have been the best I've ever had, while the bad times have been the absolute worst. I've had turbulent years before, but nothing can compare to this past year. It's been... Both one of my best, as well as one of my worst. I've gained some things I never thought I'd gain, but I've also lost things I never could've dreamt I'd ever lose, and it's been more painful than anyone can ever imagine.

I'm feeling the aftermath of this year, and I've been feeling it for a while now. This x-mas have been nice, and I've had a good time with my family, but I've been struggling every day just to keep up my energy level and my mood. And at times, it's been too much of a challenge for me.



One of the things that bother me the most is that earlier, a couple of days before x-mas, I allowed myself to think of something that I had banished from my mind. For over three months I managed to keep it at a distance, and even though the smallest of things could remind me of it and bring tears to my eyes, I refused to think about it. And I never really talked about it either; not even to those closest to me who knew of it.
But, I let my guard down one evening, and I ended up crying myself to sleep that night. Once it entered my mind, I just couldn't chase it away again. I hardly slept at all... And because of that, the thoughts have kept visiting me daily since then. Can't say I'm all too happy about that. But, what can I do? I just need to try and put it all behind me somehow, and concentrate on a second attempt at things.

I also had a bit of an unpleasant experience on x-mas eve that was anything but fun. Truth be told, the entire thing was just too odd, and I can't really explain what happened. Somewhere in the middle of opening the presents, I just somehow disconnected from myself. The happiness and the joy I was feeling just suddenly disappeared and I couldn't feel a thing. I kept opening presents with everyone else, trying to pretend like nothing had happened, but from that moment on I couldn't enjoy a single thing. I couldn't even feel sad. I was just completely empty. And as we finished, and everyone enjoyed their gifts, I just stared at my pile and couldn't get myself to touch it. It felt alien somehow, like it belonged to someone else. It wasn't mine. And that feeling - or lack of - followed me to bed and stayed with me all night. Put a bit of a bump in my x-mas road, it did, but luckily I managed to shake it off after a while the next day.

It's been a tough x-mas this year. And one I came a bit unprepared for, which made it even heavier for me to make my way through it. I'm honestly not quite sure how I made it. My head's in a bit of a spinning mess these days, so I'm not really sure of anything. I'm definitely in need of a clean-up, but I've decided to wait with that until over the newyears. For now, I'm just gonna let my head spin, and try my best to enjoy the holidays, and then deal with it all later.

Besides, for the first time ever, I'm having a newyears party at my place, and I'm kind of looking forward to that.




You know, I'm really looking forward to the new year, in so many ways. Mainly cause I just can't wait to put this year behind me. Yes, there have been good things, but the the bad things were just too much for me. They hit my weak spot, and nearly destroyed me. I just want to forget about it all and try to move on. And now, for once in my life, focus 100% on ME. I have a lot of things that needs to be dealt with, issues to fix, wounds that need healing, and questions that need answers. I have to figure out what to do about it all. What to do about me. And so far, I haven't really taken the time to focus on myself so that I could've dealt properly with it all. I've been so focused on everything and everyone else. I've always lived for the rest of the world, and not for myself. And 2012 is going to become the year where I'll learn to live for no one but me. It'll be a very selfish year, which'll be difficult to keep up, but that's one of the promises I'm giving myself on new years eve. I'm going to be selfish, focus on myself, and finally get to the point in myself and in my life where I actually want to be.

Maybe I'll figure out who I am. And where I am. Maybe I'll be able to revive myself, and fix the things that are broken. I really hope I can. I need it now. More than I've ever needed it before.



I have so much more I want to write. Things I've been thinking of for the past month or so. Things that have kept me up for hours at night. Things that swirl around inside my head every day and steal my focus away from everything and everyone around me. But there is just so much of it! I'm having difficulties transforming these things into proper words that I can write down, so I just sit here and stare at the screen without a clue about what to write. All these thoughts make my head empty. It's like that deafening silence I hear so often. Enough to drive you insane, it is...


I don't know. Maybe I should just wrap up this entry. It didn't quite turn out the way I wanted it to, but whatever. At least it's something. All these thoughts, and the end of the year closing in, deserves one last entry at least. One last attempt at cleaning out the last of the trash, before starting on the new year.


I've got a lot of exciting new projects to look forward to in 2012!
And that's the only thought I should hold on to as this year comes to an end.

Lost

"I tore off all my old chains, and threw them away.

I'm ready to die.

I've always called myself a child of the sun,

but tonight I'm chaining myself to the moon,

so that it may have my love eternally.

Remember who I was, and love me for it.

Treasure the memories of what used to be,

cause after tonight they are all that's left of me.

After tonight, I'll be dead."

-Aswari Saneth Wolfheart-

A bit morbid, I know, but whatever. Been working on writing the death scene of my main OC, Aswa, and those last words of hers have been stuck in my brain for ages. I just had to get them out. It's been a month, and I still haven't been able to write things down properly. Either I'm lazy, or some part of me don't want to write down her death.

I don't know.

My head's a bit out of it lately, and it makes it hard to consentrate on anything. It's as if I'm not all there, for some reason, and I can't seem to focus on one thing at a time. I've got like a billion things buzzing around inside my head, and it's driving me insane.

I think I've had some rough months lately.



People have been commenting on how much I've been drinking and partying lately, as if I'm out of control somehow. I had three party weekends in a row, and every single weekend I got drunk as a pineapple and hardly made it home in one piece. Truth be told, I worried a bit about it myself, so I talked to my psychologist about it to get her opinion.

She says there's nothing to worry about, and that I'm just doing as she told me to. To take a recess from all my troubles and worries and sad thoughts, and just have fun every once in a while. Even though I'm going through a lot of difficult things lately that are taking their toll on me, I have to try and be a child in the middle of everything and just go out and play. Those were her words.

So, that's what I've been doing the last three weekends. Taking a recess. I spend every single second, every day of the week, worrying about things and struggling with heavy thoughts, being in pain, so I need some time out every now and then. And I take that time out by going out and having fun. Okay, I get a bit drunk - probably more than necessary - but who gives a damn? I have fun, and forget about all the bad things for a moment, so it's absolutely worth it, in the end.

I'll probably take it easy for a while now though, mainly for the sake of saving money. We're closing in on x-mas, unfortunately, so I gotta concentrate on buying presents and sensible things I might need for the holidays. I'll probably have a little party on newyears, at my place, but it won't be anything big seeing as my apartment is pretty small. Not sure what to do about my birthday though, which is a little over a month away. Go out, maybe? Probably get drunk as a pineapple. Yeah.



I wonder if I'll know who I am by then? Cause I have absolutely no idea anymore. I lost myself a while back - like, seriously lost myself - and I'm having trouble adapting. I've lost my foothold, and I spend most of the day wondering how I'm supposed to behave. Even when I'm alone. It's like I've died. And my body is now just an empty shell of some sorts, that hosts different minds within it, all struggling to figure out who's supposed to take charge of this shell. I know it's silly, and that it makes no sense, but that's exactly how I feel. I'm dead.

I mean, I kind of knew that. A while back I did my best to kill off old sides of myself and leave the past behind me, and I did a very serious cleansing to try and renew myself. And the day after, I felt really great and reborn and all that, and I figured that I'd be someone new from that day forward. But, I was wrong. I actually died, and completely lost myself. And I'm not coming back.
I claim to be a phoenix. That I'm reborn whenever I die, and start anew. I thought I'd do it this time as well. That I'd be back, and that I'd get things on track once more. But it's not happening. So I'm wondering; will I be lost forever this time? Won't I ever come back?

I don't know.

All I know is that I'm stumbling around, completely clueless, and just function on some strange auto-pilot that acts like me. I play a role when I'm in public, to keep people from figuring out that something's wrong, and it feels so unreal. When I'm at home, alone, I switch more back and forth between different versions of me than I've ever done before, and every single version is just as confused and unsure how to act. And we talk to the walls, in hopes of answers, but get no reply besides a silence that deafens.

I have nothing to hold on to right now. So I'm slipping, and I'm falling.
And I'm scared.



I've noticed that I can't go out in public without listening to music. If I'm to step outside that front door and greet the world, I need to have the sound of it drowned by the sounds coming from my earplugs. I have no trouble walking through town, as long as I can't hear it. As long as the only thing I hear is my own music. Not really sure why, cause I've never had this problem before, but that's just how it is right now. It's as if the music is my safety blanket or something.

The really annoying thing is that my mp3-player died on me a long time ago, so I only have my cellphone. And it's an old thing, so it doesn't really have a lot of music on it. But, it has some of my favourite songs, so I guess it'll do. Though, I wish I had a really good mp3-player, and some really good, and large, headphones I could use. The earplugs kind of annoy me. Especially since no one notice them, so people try to talk to me and get offended when I can't hear them cause they can't see that I'm listening to music. If I had large headphones, everyone would see, and no one would try to talk to me. They'd just leave me alone. That would be perfect, it would.

I suppose I could've put that on my x-mas wishlist, along with all the other small things that I really, really want, but I decided to write a different wishlist this year. I need a vacation, more than anything else, so asking for giftcards or money is the best solution if I am to afford that.



I'm just really out of it. I'm not really looking forward to anything, and everything feels wrong. I don't want to celebrate x-mas, and I don't want to celebrate my birthday. I don't even want to be here at all. I feel like an empty shell, anyway, and I feel so misplaced. Like I'm in the wrong place, and in the wrong time.

I don't really know what's going on inside me anymore. I guess I've just really lost my way. Maybe I need a map? And a compass? Maybe.

I think I need guidance.

ASL - Age, Sexuality and Lies

I'm definitely going through a rather bad period in my life in many ways, and right now I'm not entirely sure if I'm still dying or just going through the rebirth pains. All I know is that somehow, somewhere, something inside me died and left me with a strange and empty feeling.

It'll probably pass, and I'll be fine. Eventually.
It's just painful being in the middle of it.



I'm a month and a half away from turning 27 now, and I'm not dealing all that great with that. I've always had issues with growing older, so every time my birthday comes sneaking up on me I start freaking out. Usually I start a week or so before it's here, but this time I'm starting early for some reason. I can hardly think of anything else, and it sends a chill down my spine every time I think about it. 27. In less than two months, I'm only 3 years away from 30. And truth be told, I don't want to be. Turning 26 was bad enough, and thanks to my anxiety and several other things, that entire birthday turned out to be one of the worst I've celebrated so far. I just wish I could forget it, but the memory of it still has its claws around my brain. It's unpleasant...

I've heard people talk about how things are as they've gotten older. One person who just passed 50 told me that it felt as though life was over, and asked if this was it. People older than that have told me similar things. As I'm closing in on 27, I'm feeling the same. I know it's ridicules, and that 27 is nothing when it comes to age, but that doesn't stop the thoughts or the awful feeling. I'm old, and the things I loved are all gone. What is left for me now?

I'm even seeing it in the mirror. I've tried to ignore it, but the other day I saw it so clearly that it made me choke. I was celebrating my sister's birthday and was at a party, having a good time, when I looked in the mirror and saw an old woman. I just froze. It was not a pleasant sight, and it was hard to swallow it and pretend like nothing as I sat there with all the younglings. I drank more than I should've that night, but I needed to get things out of my head. I needed to make it go away.

I don't want to grow old.

The people I know, my friends and loved ones, they're all younger than me. People I'm attracted to seems to be out of my range when it comes to age. I'm too old for them. And when I do look at people my own age, I see them all settled down. They have jobs, houses, are married or in serious relationships, and they have kids... So what am I, compared to them? Old, worthless and alone. At least that is how I feel these days. It's probably just a phase, but it's still painful. And I hate it.



Sometimes I really don't like my own sexuality either. I've struggled with it for years, really, but these days I'm really not dealing so well with it. I wish with all my heart that I wasn't a lesbian. Things would've been easier if I hadn't been...

I've known all my life that I wasn't straight. Ever since I was 5 years old, actually. It has just been a fact. Even the first person I ever had sex with was a girl. But I've tried all my life to be bisexual. To be able to choose from both worlds. I've forced myself to be something I'm not, cause things would've been easier that way. At least in my mind. But in the end, I only caused myself a lot of pain, and I eventually just had to accept the fact that I'm a lesbian. And for a long time I was pleased with that and proud of my sexuality. Now... I'm definitely going through a bad period, cause I am having some serious issues with being a lesbian.

I kind of hate it. I hate my own sexuality. I hate the limitations of it. I hate how it complicates things and makes me feel lonely. And I hate the way I love because of it... I spent the last two years praying that the girl I love would someday love me enough to be with me, only to be left standing alone with nothing but pain and hopelessness. I was blinded by that love, and all I could ever see was her. I could pretend to see other things and people, but in truth she was the only thing I ever had on my mind. It was almost like an obsession. And a painful one at that.

And now I see nothing. I only see that I'm alone, and that I don't want to be. But, again, my sexuality complicates things. There aren't many lesbians around here, and the few there are are taken. And the bisexual ones are taken too, mostly by men. And truth be told, I never want to date someone bisexual again. I've experienced it far too many times that the girl I like go for some guy instead, and that is just too painful. How can I ever compete with a guy? Especially when it comes to sex. To be honest, I'm pretty hopeless in bed. I have no confidence, and I'm too shy. I always fear that I won't be able to please her, so I end up failing in the end. I got told once that I was a "sex goddess" and it has got to be the most amazing compliment anyone has ever given me. It warmed me to my core, and I'll never forget it for as long as I live. But the only reason I managed to please was because the person I was with made me feel confident and safe. I actually dared do my best... No one else have made me feel so safe.

Things would've been easier if I had been straight. Or at least bisexual. Men may not be beautiful, but they're simple. Easy to please. Especially in bed... And there's more than enough of them to choose from around here.

I hate being a lesbian.



I feel like I'm living on lies. I keep telling people this or that, small lies here and there, to keep them from worrying about me. I'm almost at a point where I'm not sure what's true and what's not. I told myself a while back that I wouldn't do that, not anymore. I'd be honest and tell people what I thought and felt, and not keep things to myself. But I guess that was just another lie. I'm good with those. The lies I tell myself. I tell them every day, every time I see my own reflection. I keep repeating the lies until they become a solid truth I can live by. And that's how I exist.

I don't lie that much to other people, really. I just tell them I'm okay when I'm not. It's all just to keep them from worrying. It's the lies I tell myself that are the worst ones. I can't even tell if they're lies anymore. And it's getting harder and harder to find those small moments of truth where I can sit down and actually trust myself and the things I think, say and do.

I'm pretty hopeless.

Why do I do this? Why do I tell myself these lies? Is it to hurt myself, or to protect myself? I don't know anymore. Whenever I stop to think about it, my head hurts. And I get even more confused. So I try not to think about it. I try to focus on other things, and I tell myself that this feeling of hopelessness will somehow disappear and I'll feel better. Just another lie to myself. What difference does one drop make, when I've already got an ocean?




Can anyone ever save me from me? Silly question, but it has haunted my mind for years. I want to be saved. To be taken away from myself. But in the end, I know it'll never happen. No one will come rescue me. And can one be rescued from oneself anyway? I really don't know anymore. I'm going in circles within my own mind, and even though I'm pretending to be okay on the outside, it's all coming down and falling apart on the inside. Not even a needle and a thread is enough to fix this doll.

But, it's all just a bad phase I'm going through, right? In the end, I'll get back on my feet, save myself, and move on with my life, stronger than before. Right? If this doesn't kill me, it has to make me stronger. That's the rule! Or am I just telling myself more lies?



In the end, can I save myself?

Loss

Sometimes I wish I was cold and emotionless, cause maybe then loss wouldn't affect me so...


I've lost a lot of things lately, and it has taken its toll on me. I'm tired now. Really tired. And most parts of me just want to give up on everything, cause I don't know how much more I can take. There have been so much crap lately, and losing things is something I've never really been any good at dealing with, so I'm more or less at the end of my rope soon.




The worst was losing something before I even gained it. It's been almost 3 months now, and it still hurts. It stings inside me whenever I think of it, and just walking passed someone in town that reminds me makes me bite my lip so I don't start to cry in public. When I'm at home, I cry whenever I see a commercial on TV that reminds me. I don't talk about it to anyone though. Not even my closest. I just keep it all inside me, and I grieve all on my own. Every day. No one even knows why this is so painful to me. The only person I ever told, is now lost to me as well.


That was pain on another level. Just a month or so after, I lose the most precious I had in my life, and in such an ugly way too. The bitter aftertaste of being kicked away like I'm worthless is only clouded by the pain of the loss. Though the pain of losing something before even gaining it is worse than this, at least I know that pain will eventually fade over time and it'll get better. This pain, however, will stay just as strong for the rest of my life, and that I know from experience. I've lost something precious like this before, and not a single day went by without me thinking about it. It nearly drove me insane back then... So yeah, I know that this pain will be with me for as long as I'll live, and it's not a pleasant thought.


The two things I wanted and needed the most is not in my life, and I don't know how to even begin to handle that. But I've tried! I've really tried! I've boxed away my feelings and tried to ignore all the pain and just crawl back on my feet and keep walking. It was tough, but I thought I was going to make it. And then I have to face the possibility that I'll lose even more. I mean, right now, I don't think I'd be able to handle the loss of a pet even, cause that's how hard I'm struggling to keep it together, so the thought of losing a family member... It kind of felt like the last drop.


I got the text message on saturday, when I was out drinking (drunk as a pineapple and beyond, I was), telling me that he was at the hospital again and that they don't think he'll live until x-mas. My night out ended, to put it in a nice way. It was the last drop that made me break down, and if it hadn't been for all the amazing and wonderful people around me that took care of me and gave me warm words and comfort when I needed it, and even got me home, then I don't know what would've happened. It could've gotten ugly, drunk as I was and with such bad news to digest on top of everything else.
I knew he had been sick, but I thought - stupid as I am - that they'd fix it. That he'd get better. I really should've known better. Brain tumour. Agressive. And they can't remove it. And then his heart threatened to give in under the strain of it all, so that's why he ended up in the hospital again. I went to see him on Sunday, hung over and sad, and I had to bite my own lip so hard during the visit to keep from crying, that it went numb in the end. I didn't think it would affect me this much, but seeing him there, looking so tired and weak and asking me if I was alright was so hard to swallow that it broke my insides.
They're going to give him chemo. There's still hope that he'll get well, and that he'll live for a long, long time. But from what I've been told, there's a very high possibility that he'll die before x-mas. And that thought is just too much to swallow right now.



It probably sounds stupid and selfish, I know, but after everything I've lost and all the crap I've been through lately, this is just too much. I can't lose a family member right before x-mas. I just can't. I don't know if I'll be able to handle it, cause right now just the thought alone is enough to make me choke.


I woke up feeling heavy and sad yesterday. I struggled my way through the day, and when I got back home from the psychologist I spent the entire day crying. I even cried myself to sleep, which is something I rarely do. There wasn't really one specific reason for my sadness, that I could think of at least, but I think maybe things have been a bit too overwhelming for me. Things are catching up to me, and right now I've got to focus all of my energy on keeping myself from breaking apart. All this shit is messing with my head, and I'm too damned tired now.


I try to stay positive, and think of good things, but right now it's hard.
I don't know what to do anymore.





My parents and brother is going away on vacation at the end of this week. They'll be gone for two weeks, enjoying the sun and the warmth, and while they're gone I'll be house-sitting. I'll paint their hallway and get out the advent decorations and make the place look nice while they're away. We're just a month or so away from x-mas now. I don't really know if I'm looking forward to it or not.

Right now, my feelings are on the outside of my skin again - where they've been most of my life - and I can't feel them. I'm just empty inside.

I hope it's just temporary.
I hope things will be better soon.

*

EDIT:
45 minutes after posting this entry, I get the phone call. The tumour can't be treated. They're going to give him chemo so that he might live a month or two, but that's it. He's going to die.

Rebirth

"Last night I died, and chained myself to the moon.
Today I am reborn, as a new keeper of the unknown."

-unknown

I've been chained down, all my life, by so many different things. My life, the things I love, my insecurity, my health, and so many, many other nameless things. Yesterday I decided to cut all those old chains, leave the past behind me, and create new ones that I've chosen myself. As I went to bed, I told myself that when I returned from my sleep, I'd wake up as a different person, and start my life anew.
Today I feel... Strangely different, actually. I feel better about things, and not so depressed and sad about the things now lost to me. Instead of thinking of what I no longer have, I think of the things I do have, and how grateful I am for having them. I will always love and cherish the good memories of what once was dear to me, and I'll never stop caring. But these things are gone, and though I'll never forget them, I'll look forward now instead of backward. These things are behind me now.

Just like the person that once was me, who's now gone.
Last night, I killed her.


*

On to different thoughts and updates.


Last friday I almost got an emergency appointment at the doctor's. I stopped by to try and get an appointment, and told the lady behind the desk what the problem was. She called the doctor, and one hour later he took me in to examine me. To tell the truth, I was in a kind of a shock. I'm used to waiting at least a week or so before I get my appointment, and even longer than so in the flu season, but no. I got an appointment the same day as I asked for one. I knew things were kind of urgent, but... Well, at least it was a good shock to get.

Several tests later, and a new regular diet of medication (which I'm hoping is only temporary) and all I can do is just wait until I get some answers. Still don't know what's causing the problems, but the doctor told me he'll most likely get me into the hospital for further examination. So, hopefully things'll get better soon. I'm staying positive, either way.



Unfortunately, the M-project went down the drain. I did good, for a long time, but now I've had several days where I haven't left the apartment at all. Though, I still can't figure out why I'm not leaving the apartment. It's not anxiety, so I honestly have no idea how to handle this. Buuut... I suppose I'll somehow manage. I mean, I can be resourceful, if I want. Right?


Also, it's not every day you get a massage from your psychologist! But that's what I got today. We had a lot to talk about today, and one of the things is my headaches, which are getting worse. I'm used to having a headache 24/7, cause I've had that almost all my life, but usually it's just a murmur at the back of my head. I've learned to ignore it. And every now and then, the murmur becomes loud noise that is impossible to ignore, and impossible to cure. Lately, however, I've gotten those headaches every single day, and to tell the truth I'm exhausted now. That kind of pain, every single day, is enough to drive even a sane person insane, so I've just about had enough of it now.

Luckily, my psychologist wants to get me to a special type of therapist that'll help loosen up my knots, both physically and mentally, so maybe things'll get better soon. After massaging me, she was quite surprised by how tense I am, so she figured it's kind of urgent that I get some help as soon as possible. I can't even begine to describe how grateful I am for that. I'm used to pain, but I'm honestly a bit sick of it now.


*


The other day, I stumbled over some zodiac things, and I sat for a while and read up on some things.

Zodiacs are fascinating things, really, and I've always liked reading up on them. However, my own personal zodiacs have never really felt all that right to me, and I keep saying I was born on the wrong date. But, as my mother pointed out to me, I'm not one person. My zodiacs might not fit all of me, but it does describe one part. The fun of having "split personalities" is never ending.

In the Western zodiac, I'm born a Capricorn.
I'm supposed to be down to earth, stubborn, and a workaholic.

In the Eastern zodiac, I'm a Wood Rat.
I'm supposed to be smart, selfish and calculating.

And, in the Native American zodiac, I'm a god damned Goose.
I'm supposed to be reliable, ambitious and rigid.

I suppose they do describe one side of me, though I've got to be honest and say that I'm not too familiar with that side. I mean, down to earth, workaholic, calculating and ambitious? That really doesn't sound like any part of me at all. But, oh well. I suppose I'm just not done getting to know myself, and if I am to judge based on my zodiacs, then I have a lot of interesting to discover. Either way, as I look upon myself today, and claim to be reborn, I see that this new path of mine has just began. I'm sure there's a lot of interesting things ahead of me, and I'm praying that most of it will be positive things that'll help me improve my life.

After all this time, I do feel like I deserve it.

Weekly update

Warning: Long, long entry, written over time.



First off; my Halloween weekend was a real success! I had the most fun I've had in ages, in absolutely great company, and even though I woke up with a massive hangover the following sunday, it was totally worth it. I got invited to two Halloween parties that saturday, and I attended both. First was my younger brother's party, where I got pizza and watched the first half of a movie with my folks, and then there was a PartAY hosted by some friends of mine where I had the best time ever. We drank, talked, had fun, and even ended up out on town! Lots of dancing, and lots of fun, and they played many of my favourite party songs. The hostess of the party was dressed as Lady GaGa, and when the DJ noticed her he dedicated one of my favourite GaGa songs to her!



I absolutely love that song, and the dancefloor was packed with people dancing and singing. Absolutely awesome, is what it was. And, I requested one of my party songs, and the DJ played it for me!



So you can safely say that my mood was pretty good. And then he played another of my favourite songs.



Though I'll admit that the song made me think of things I really didn't want to think of, so I had to swallow pretty hard to suppress certain things. But, aside from a small moment of bad thinking, the evening was absolutely amazing. Met one of my sisters as well, dressed up as Captain Jack Sparrow, and she got me a ride back to the Halloween party after Ramona closed. I had such a great time, and I smiled as I walked home that night. I made it home at around 5 AM that morning, and considering that we turned the clock back and hour that night, I was out pretty late for once.

Can't remember the last time I did that, to be honest. And it was great.


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I needed that weekend, really badly, cause I had a pretty bad week last week. Though, this week turned out to be even worse, and to be honest a part of me just want to give up. I've lost everything that gave me a reason to breathe, for no real reason and without any explanation. And I ask myself; how can anyone hate me so intensely that they go to such lengths just to break me? I really don't know anything anymore, and a huge part of me feels completely empty. I paint on that smile and pretend I'm okay, but the moment my door closes and I'm alone, I'm drowning in my own tears and choking on my pain. Can't remember the last time I cried this much...


I just want to go away somewhere. Get away from it all. Preferably leave this entire planet behind and stay in another world. Though, right now I'd settle for a nice vacation somewhere sunny, as long as it was anywhere but here. I just need to put some serious distance between myself and all the shit that's being going on lately.

I mean, right now I'm going through the worst kind of pain I've ever experienced, and I honestly don't know how to deal with it. Sure, I've been through heartaches and all that before, and I know eventually time heals and all that crap. But this... I don't know. Trying to put away so many years of love is hard.

Have you ever loved someone with all your entire being? And I mean really loved someone. To the point where you'd do anything for them, even sacrifice your own happiness just to please them. Have you ever loved someone so deeply, that you'd be willing to swallow those feelings and keep them tied up someplace where that person won't have to see it, just because you don't want them to feel pressured or burdened by your feelings?

I used to think that being an emotional being was a good thing, and that how I was capable of loving someone with my entire being - giving them my mind, my heart, my body and soul - was something to be treasured, but now I'm starting to believe otherwise. If anything, these passed weeks have only taught me that loving someone so deeply is just stupid. You shouldn't give all of yourself to anyone. You shouldn't share everything you have to share with anyone. You shouldn't trust your heart to anyone. And, above all else, you should never, ever believe that loving someone so deeply will ever make them love you back.

Right now, at this very moment, I kind of don't want to love someone, ever again.
It's just too painful.


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It kind of feels like I'm being divided within myself, and I've got different sides of me all leaning in different directions, and to be honest I have no idea which side is the side I should listen to.

There's one side that's still hoping for something to happen that can fix everything. That hopes I'll just wake up one day and everything will somehow magically be back to the way they were, and I'll be fine again. It's the side that keeps looking out the window at all the rain pouring down, praying that the clouds will suddenly go away and the sky will be blue. The side that wishes so badly that everything's just one big misunderstanding, or that I'll at least get an explanation for why things turned out the way they did.
Then there's the side of me that just wants to crawl into a hole and stay there for the rest of my life. That, quite honestly, just want to give up on everything and die. The side that wants me to lock myself up in my apartment and refuse to be a member of the world, and just sit around and mope and feel sorry for myself. It's that side that tells me that this is just what I deserve for being stupid and worthless, and that I should never fool myself into believing that I actually matter to someone.
And then I've got a third side of me that just want to say "Fuck it. Fuck everything. Move on." and basically just put it all in a box and throw the box away. It's the side that keeps asking me why I even bother to care, and that wants to just forget about everything. The side that is too fed up with all the crap I've been through all these years, and that considers this nothing more than the last drop that made the water spill out of the glass, and really just want to give the world the finger.

I gotta admit, that last side kind of scares me a bit. It even scares the other two sides of me as well. It's a new side, and I don't really know it all that well. I've never been a person that can just say "fuck off" and turn my back on things. I'm too emotional, too weak, and with a conscience that tends to kill me if I just look at someone the wrong way. I just want to please everyone around me, cause their happiness have always mattered more to me than my own, so a side like that is a bit intimidating. I don't even know where it came from.

I'm at a loss.


I've been working hard, for a long time now. I've struggled for so many years with anxiety, self-esteem issues, uncertainties, insecurity, depression, and I've worked so hard on all these things for some time now. I was starting to build up my confidence, learning myself that I'm not worthless and that I can do a lot of things. I was convincing myself that I matter, cause I had people, friends and family, and loved ones, who told me that I was important. That I was loved, and cared for. That I mattered. I was starting to feel less insecure, and I was finally able to get myself to dare to do things I never dared to do before. I got rid of my anxiety!

But now? I've had a major setback. And I feel like crap. I feel worthless. I don't matter. I'm not important. I'm not loved. I'm nothing. It annoys me that I let it get to me, but it's so hard not to. For so many years, I've had something that was my entire world. And I gave my all for it. Now, that world basically told me to fuck off. Not in those exact words, mind you, or any words at all, but that's kind of the feeling I'm left with. That what once was my everything, told me to fuck off. It's... Not a good feeling.


I was right, in thinking that things were changing now. Cause they really are. I've lost all that mattered to me, so now I'm standing at the crossroad, wondering on which way to go. What to do. How do I pick up the pieces of a broken me, and glue myself back together?

I look at myself, and I see me divided. One part still looking backward, wanting to go back to what was, and willing to do anything to get there. Praying for blue skies... One part just sitting there, unwilling to move, and determined to just drown myself in self-pity. And that last part, looking forward, ready to turn its back on everything and move in an entirely new direction.

They're all me. So how do I choose which me to listen to?


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My psychologist means that I should listen to all three sides, cause they're all right in some way. Take the time to grieve over what I have lost, remember the good things, and also allow myself to be angry. It's a process I have to go through, and so far I'm handling things just right, according to her. It was good to hear, that much I'll say.


My other concern now is that I really need to get a proper appointment at the doctor's... I've lost 10kg in a couple of months, and that's not good. Especially when I've been eating more than usual to try and keep my weight steady and not get too skinny. I'm not a fan of skinny... But people are concerned about this, and so am I. Cause my stomach just isn't co-operating with me at all.

I've been bothered with nausea all my life, and the annoying "morning sickness" that keeps me from eating a proper breakfast, but what this has escalated into is just insane. I'm not nauseous, but I throw up on a daily basis. It can be that I draw my breath too deeply, and then I'm hanging over the toilet. I've got a cold, so there's slime at the back of my throat, and I'm hanging over the toilet. I think of something nasty, and I'm hanging over the toilet. It's starting to get pretty annoying. I'm keeping my food down, that I am, so that's not a problem, but for the most part I'm throwing up air and stomach acid. And let me tell you; that doesn't taste all that great. I have no idea what's causing this, cause I've never really been one to throw up, but I'm going to let a doctor take a look at it. Either it's psychological, cause things haven't been that great, or there's something else at work that needs to be treated.

It drains my energy. And when my energy is already drained because of other things, I'm not really left with much to go on. I'm tired all the time, and can hardly manage to do anything at all. I figured out that the only time I'm not tired, are the hours after I've gone to bed and I'm trying to sleep. Talk about annoying.



You know what? I really need a vacation. Now.

Changes

I'm a slow learner, but I'm learning my lesson.

Place your heart in the hands of the wrong person, and you're bound to get seriously hurt. And I did. More hurt than I've ever been before in my life, in a way I never thought possible. But at least it made me realize some things people have tried to tell me for years, and I now know that certain things aren't worth the pain it causes.

I'm used to having my heart broken, and being stepped on, but not like this. It feels like my entire inside have been ripped apart, and I feel deceived, used, and completely worthless. I've spent several months trying to convince myself that I'm not worthless, and now it feels like I've gotten it thrown into my face. And it hurts. It hurts my self-esteem, it hurts my feelings, and it hurts the very core of my being, from which I gave so freely in the belief that I'd actually get something in return.

I'm wounded. Angry and dissapointed, yes, but first of all wounded.



The other day I had five different people giving me healing at the same time, and they worked on me for almost half an hour. It felt really good, though I'm sad that they had to take my pain in. Cause they did, as they told me, when they were attempting to heal me. They all took in my pain, and one of them told me that she saw a vision of my heart that was rather unpleasant. The first thing that came to mind when seeing it, she said, was a raw steak. All cut up and bleeding, like someone had seriously mistreated it. Pretty spot on description, though I feel sorry that she had to see something like that. They didn't know what was going on, other than that I was in pain and wasn't capable of doing any readings that day, but when they healed me they got to see. They were so supportive and sweet with me, and the tears just started streaming when I sat there. Such kindness... I needed it. And I felt several ton lighter afterward.

I'm still in a lot of pain, and I probably will be for a long time now. I have a lot of broken things inside me that needs to be rebuilt, and I know it'll take me time. But I've found a glimmer of strength beneath all that layer of hurt, and a determination I've never had before. If this had happened just half a year ago or so, it would've broken me to the point where it would've killed me. Literally. But now I've decided that I'm not gonna let it kill me. It's just not worth it, I see now. Yes, I'm broken, but I'm not dead. I'm gonna keep standing my ground, and for once try to push away the thoughts that say "it's probably my fault, cause I'm not good enough" and not let them haunt me this time. I know I'm not at fault. And that I deserve better.

This pain, these feelings, and everything around it... I've decided to put them all inside a box, where they belong, and just stand on that box or put it away somewhere. I can't deal with them right now -I don't even know how to deal with them - so it'll be best to just focus on something else instead. I know putting things inside a box isn't a healthy way to deal with things, especially since that means I'm not dealing with them at all, but for now I've decided it's the best thing I can do. I need to focus on positive things, and put the negative away, and truth be told there really isn't anything I can do anyway. I'll take out that box and open it if I am ever given a good enough reason to, but as it is now I don't see that happening. So, for now, I'm putting that box away, and will try my best to just forget about it.

My psychologist is proud of me, she told me. It was a good thing to hear. The strength I'm determined to show, and the fact that I'm standing my ground and have decided to not let this kill me, is something I've never shown before. And that I'm pulling out this strength, made her proud of me.



But I've also decided to take a break from FaceBook for a while. That place is just annoying me now, and I certainly don't need that in my life right now. Time to get rid of all the negative things, and try to focus on the positive, and FB brings far too much negativity with it. Of course, the place taught me to not follow my curiousity at all times. Not all links should be clicked! A valuable lesson learned, that's for sure. Still have trouble getting that video out of my mind. Some humans just make me sick to my stomach, and that's all there is to say about that matter.. Ugh.

But yes, I'm taking a break from FB. I'll still check in about once a week or so, just in case people with no other means of contacting me leaves me any messages, but that's about it. And I'm unsure about whether I should keep linking my blog in there. I only want what's best for my readers, so if they insist that I keep linking it to make it easier for them to follow it, then I will. Hey, any feedback on that would be great, by the way! Your opinions mean a lot to me.

I'm still playing Grand Fantasia, though not as often as I used to. I'm so out of energy lately, and even gaming drains me a lot these days, but I do try to check in once a day. My online friends in there really mean a lot to me, and I miss them all when I'm not online. I've been disappearing on them a lot these past weeks, and I feel really bad about that. But yeah, I'm determined to become more active in there.



I also see that I need to get a more active social life outside of the online world. As it is now, I don't really have any friends at all, and no one I can just hang out with or have a cup of coffee in town with. I really need to get out more, and I'm tired of feeling lonely. I just don't know how to fix that. I've been a loner all my life, and given all of my time to just one person, forsaking everything and everyone else around me. Made me feel good then and there, but now I see that it was a mistake. I'm inexperienced on the area of making friends, and having a proper social life, so I honestly have no idea where to begin. Just the thought of meeting strangers and getting to know them scares me to death. It's strange, I'm 26 year old and I don't know how to get friends. Kind of embarrassing, actually. But, I suppose that's the price I pay for making dumb choices.

I'm really glad that I joined the alternative youth group that I'm in now. We may not be a large group, and there are only two others there that's my age, but I'm comfortable around them. It's like we're on the same tracks, so I can speak freely with them about things, without anyone looking at me like I'm crazy. They all know what I'm talking about, cause they've experienced the same things, and have the same belief, and that's really comforting. It also helps me develop my own abilities, which is great. It's social, which is something I need, and it gives me a chance to be around like-minded people.

They told me there's going to be an alternative fair here in town right after x-mas, and that I should definitely get a stand there and give readings for money. They believe I have great abilities, and they also love my way of doing readings cause it's so unlike the things they're used to. I mean, after they all worked on healing me, I managed to give three readings within an hour! I've never done that before, and the last reading I did was 100% spot on, I was told. That's pretty good for my self-esteem to hear, that's for sure. I'm gonna give it some thought, and maybe see if I want to attend that fair. Might be interesting.


I just wish I had more things to do with my time than just those group meetings every second week. I just don't know what else I should do. I mean, I'm working hard on that M-projected that got started last week, and I've been out of the apartment every single day since it started. Most of the time I've been to town with my mother, since she has time off work three times a week. I enjoy those trips, I do, cause I get to get out of my apartment and feel some social energy around me, but there's still those two days when mum's at work where I have to get out on my own that's hard. Not sure what to fill those days with, to be honest.

The coming weekend, though, I've actually been invited to a party! Kind of looking forward to that, cause it'll be a halloween party, and I really love halloween. But I'm also looking forward to some social contact, so I'm really glad and grateful that they invited me. I probably need to have a bit of fun to get my mind off things.



My life is changing. Everything around me is changing. And, maybe because of that, things inside me are changing as well. I can feel these changes like strings of energy that tie everything together, and every now and then they give off a spark that makes my skin tingle. I don't know what kind of changes there will be, or if they'll be good or bad ones, but I can't deny the fact that they are taking place. And these are pretty serious changes, and it feels like they will change my life forever. I'm just praying that it'll be for the better. That, finally, good things will start to come my way, because after everything I've been through I kind of feel like I deserve that.

I'm predicting that my life for a time onwards now will be pretty tough, and I'll have to go through a lot of painful things, but I'll try to keep in mind that when I get burned to the point where there's nothing but ashes left, I can be reborn. And that I am protected by things and beings no one else know of, and that these things and beings will never abandon me. They will always stand by my side, and give me strength to make my way through even the hardest of things. And for that, I am eternally grateful. And I'll keep the message I was given through channeling from the shaman in mind, every single day, and take strength from it. I'll survive through these changes, and, hopefully, emerge on the other side as a stronger and better person, thanks to the support I am given. Thanks to the ones protecting me they way they are. Thank you, for that, from the bottom of my heart. For you, I'll keep living and fighting.


Mo Okali, Ati Amirai~

M-project

"Fake a smile long enough,
and you'll start to believe you're happy.

It's hard in the beginning, and you'll probably feel empty inside. Hollow. But eventually it'll get easier, and if you just keep fighting your way through it, you'll come to realize at one point that you're not pretending anymore. The smile you're wearing is real."

-M



I've been very out of it lately, in a bad way. Something isn't quite as it should be, inside me, and it's difficult to handle. It's as if some strange part of me has just shut down and stopped caring about the outside world. I don't really want to leave my apartment, and I don't want to go online to places where people might actually see that I'm online and talk to me. I'm hiding from the world, like I usually do, but it's not anxiety. I'm rarely bothered by anxiety anymore, as it's almost gone. What this is, is completely new to me. I just don't want to be a part of the world, instead of being afraid of it. So I avoid it. I avoid people in it. Even people I want to talk to or meet, I avoid. I don't really care about anything. My heart is shattered? I don't care, toss it away. Don't need it. My inside is empty? I don't care, ignore it. Maybe I like it that way. My mind is sad and out of it? I don't care, leave it. Works better that way.

You see? I'm in a dangerous thought pattern. A part of me has stopped caring.

Luckily, I'm a being with many, many parts of me. And so, I've decided to start the M-project! The M is originally from the one I took the above quote from, but it can also stand for Motivation. Cause, I need a whole load of that! And I'm gonna motivate myself into fixing this problem, whatever it is.

I already started on it this monday by setting a rule for myself that I need to leave the apartment and go outside once a day. Even if it's just to check my mailbox, I will go out that door and walk those few metres back and forth! I'm being merciless on this. My mum has been extremely helpful in that matter, as this week we've gone to town together almost every day, and that has helped a lot. I'm really, really grateful for that, cause getting myself to leave the apartment is really hard on my own.

I'm not really sure where the next step goes, but I've been thinking of using this weekend to do something about the inside of my apartment. Trust me when I say; it looks like a bomb went off. I'm not exactly known for being a tidy person, and it shows. So, that problem needs to be tackled somehow, and I figured that since my parents are gonna take away the boxes blocking my bed at the moment and stow them away this sunday, I could prepare the rest of the place for that so that I could rearrange the apartment on sunday! Or, at least try to...

Either way, I'll try to get a decent start on this as soon as possible, and draw down a battle plan of some sorts, and see if I can't get all the things I want to do done by the end of this month! I think it's a pretty good schedule to work by, and if I can keep things up at the pace I started earlier this week then I should be fine. Just gotta keep leaving notes to myself, and make sure I follow them!

Oh, and, reward. I need to think of a really good reward for myself when I'm done!
Any suggestions?

Grand Fantasia

These past months I've been pretty sucked into an online game that I've been playing for a while, and it's a really fun game. Though these days I'm somewhat out of it and hiding from the world, so I haven't been playing as much as I like, I still want to say that this game is definitely one of my favourite games ever.

So, I want to make this entry to try and lure other people into playing it!


The game is called Grand Fantasia, and is a mmorpg that you can download and play for free, and it's created by AeriaGames. If you go to homepage for the game - grandfantasia.aeriagames.com - You can register your account and download the game. And again, it's completely free! And it doesn't require a super computer either, so most people can play it.

Beginning the game, you get to create your own character by customizing its gender and looks. You also get to customize the companion of your character, which is a sprite that can create things for you. Choosing the sprite type, you get to decide what you want the sprite to create. And when you're done, you get a funny little intro before you start to play!

You start at a beginner's area called Siwa Island as a novice lvl1, and can take on quests to start lvling yourself (quests shows as books on your map). You can't leave the island until you've completed certain quests, but you can also stay there for as long as you like. When you reach lvl5, you get to choose your class, that'll be upgraded once you reach lvl15. The classes are:

Fighter (melee fighter) - upgrades to a Warrior
Hunter (ranged fighter) - upgrades to an Archer
Acolyte (healer) - upgrades to a Priest
Spellcaster (magical fighter) - upgrades to a Mage

For more info on the classes, read this!

When you're ready to leave Siwa Island and enter the big world of Saphael, you get to pick where you want to start, and there are three places to choose from!

Jale - The city of mechanics (main mount is a mecha)
Ilya - The city of magic (main mount is a wolf)
Kaslow - The royal capital (main mount is a sunbird)

Jale is a steam mechanical place, and it's surrounded by desert, so the beginning areas you get if you pick Jale is desert areas. Ilya is a place of magic and wonders, and it's surrounded by beautiful woods, so picking Ilya will get you lush green beginning areas. Kaslow is in the center of the continents and the capital where the royal family resides, and it's bordering to the sea with plains on the other side, so picking Kaslow will get you the large plains as the beginning area.

I've been to all three cities, and they each got their own charm, but whenever I'm relaxing and chatting to people I'm usually sitting somewhere in Kaslow. It's my favourite city of the three, though it can get pretty crowded in there.

You can teleport freely between the three major cities, but other teleport points needs to be found and activated before you can use them!

So, when you're up and about in the big world, you start to lvl yourself to become stronger and be capable of more interesting things. You need to be at least lvl10 to be able to trade with people, and you can't talk in the world chat until you've reached lvl16. Before that, you can only chat on Say (which is only seen by those nearby you), Yell (which is seen by everyone in the same area as you) and Whisper (which is a type of private chat to one specific person). Reaching lvl20 will allow you to use mounts, which is a good way to move around the world when you're tired of running. When you reach lvl30, you get a new class upgrade and this time you have 2 classes to choose from!

Warrior upgrades into Berserker OR Paladin
Archer upgrades into Ranger OR Assassin
Priest upgrades into Cleric OR Sage
Mage upgrades into Wizard OR Necromancer

It's all your choice! And whichever class you pick, you get the last class upgrade when you reach lvl65! And at this very moment, the highest lvl possible is lvl85.


There are three different servers to play on, and each server have different channels. Personally, I play in the Bodor server on channel 3, cause I find the community there very friendly and I've got several friends there that I like to chat with. They all have the magical ability of making me feel better when I'm down, and I love them for it.

I am currently a lvl50 Wizard, named KeyJester, and I own my own guild with a fellow player, Yuresca, that's called JestersGuild. It's a small guild with very few members, but we're all friendly in there, and we're always looking for new, friendly and active players to join us.

I'm usually online on the weekends these days, due to my mood being what it is and my head my head being.. Well, you know, but I do have periods where I'm online from the moment I get out of bed until I go back to bed again. I also have my own Grand Fantasia facebook account, so if you're interested in gaming with me you can add me if you like! Just search for KeyJester Grand Fantasia and you'll find me. Whenever I take screenshots from the game, I usually upload them to that account.


I don't know what else to say about the game. If you're still in need of more info, you can check out their wiki page to know more about it! But the best way to learn, is to play! So, get playing! I certainly don't mind getting even more reasons to log on and be online social.

Rearrangement and Channeling

I want to carve out my own heart, put it in a box of glass and place it on a shelf where I'll never be able to reach it ever again. Sometimes, my own thoughts and feelings make me so sick that I get physically ill, and just want to throw up.

I don't want to feel anything anymore...


That's the regular thoughts that's been visiting my head lately, and to tell you the truth it haven't really been pleasant. Been going through one of "those" periods again, and it has rendered me incapable of doing anything at all. I've just been locking myself up in my own apartment, avoiding people both offline and online, and done nothing but stare at the wall. Not even gaming seems to make me feel better, so I've been avoiding that too.

You know what? It's been booooring!

Sometimes I wish I could step out of myself and slap me really hard, cause when I'm going through "those" periods I kind of sicken myself with how pathetic I get. Okay, no, I'm not gonna call myself pathetic, that's just stupid of me and I've got to quit all this self-hating. But I do get annoyingly down and helpless when I'm in this corner, and it's bugging me. The worst part is that it has taken me just about a week just to finish the above writings for this blog. How silly is that?

I wish I had money, cause right now I just want to go away somewhere. Don't really care where, as long as it's far away from here, cause I really need to put some distance between me and my life right now. Though mostly I just need to get some distance from myself.


I need to rearrange my head. And not just a little bit, but a whole damned lot. I just don't know where to begin, cause there's so much chaos to grab hold of in there. Maybe I need a maid? I don't know. I was on such a good path, with a decent pace, and making my way forward and out of all the shit I've been crawling around in for so many years, and then I stumbled and fell flat on my face in that shit. I guess what makes it so bad is that I wasn't really prepared for it. It just tackled me from behind.

If I could just magically conjure up some energy from somewhere, and get my behind into gear so I'd do something other than just sit on it and do nothing, then maybe that would help. Just sitting at home with nothing but my own head to keep me company really doesn't help at all. Especially since my apartment just makes me depressed, for several reasons.

Everything in and around me needs to be rearranged.



I had a very interesting evening today, which is what finally made me drag myself up a bit and at least get to writing again. The past week has been one of my worst so far, so finally having a decent evening with some very interesting and positive happenings just made me feel tons better. The smile I have on right now isn't one of my fake ones. It's actually real. And it's spiced with puzzlement and amazement.

I had plans a while ago that I'd start attending an alternative group here in town, but a few weeks back when they had their first meeting I was too sick and too depressed to go, so I almost dropped those plans. But, today I decided that I'd attend, and man am I glad I did. I had a really good time, in good company, and got the most interesting (and kind of scary) reading ever. One of the people on the group can channel, and I got a lot of information that left me more or less speechless.

Absolutely every single thing I was told was correct, which was amazing enough in itself, but this person also managed to read things NO ONE ELSE knows. And I mean absolutely no one, besides me and the one person closest to me that I share these things with. So having someone read these things, was at one point almost a bit scary. It left me literally speechless, and amazed. And, also, it left me feeling a bit better about things, and it lifted my spirit a lot. I am going to take the advices I was given, and do the best that I can with them. And I will try my very best to follow my heart, as I was asked to do in these matters.

Something tells me I'll be pondering on the things I was told for the next two weeks until the next meeting, cause they really hit home. These were highly personal things. Even though the person who did the channeling couldn't understand half of the messages that were passed on to me, I understood every single thing. They really were meant for me.

I don't know what else to say. I'm still a bit speechless.
This was one of the most amazing experiences I've ever had.

Maybe, just maybe, I'll get back up on my feet again now.

Thoughts to be shared

I've been thinking on something, and I've been thinking on it for a long time. Why do I write down my personal thoughts in a public place like a blog like this? And why do I bother linking it on my Facebook page, for everyone to see, so that anyone can follow that link and read my thoughts?

The answer to that is those I love, and whom I know care about me.


At one point in my life, I wanted to hide everything and not let people know how I felt, and what I thought. I didn't want anyone to see my pain. Even when those close to me asked me how I was, I'd lie and tell them I was doing fine. I didn't want to worry anyone. I didn't want to be a burden to anyone. But, I know now from experience that not knowing is definitely far worse than knowing. Sure, knowing that those you care about are in pain is difficult and painful, but standing on the outside and not knowing what's going on, and making up your own ideas and imagining the worst, is even more painful. It's even more difficult to handle. You want to know, but is too afraid to ask, and if you do dare to ask, and get told a lie, you start to fear that they don't trust you. You start to fear that you're not enough for them. And eventually, a small part of you start thinking that they don't love you anymore. Or maybe they never did? And that uncertainty... It kills.

So I write. I write because I've always had difficulties talking about things, and writing is easier for me. I write because those around me whom I love, and that I know care about me, should have a chance to know what is going on in my life, and in my head. I don't want them to suffer under that uncertainty, because I know all too well what it's like to be uncertain. I write because of those around me that don't dare ask me how I'm doing, cause they fear I might lie to them. I write because those I love deserve to know.

I don't write because I want attention. If I wanted that, I'd stand in the middle of the city and scream for it. I don't write because I want pity. If I wanted that, I'd whine and complain to every person I met and beg for it. I don't write because I want every single person in the world to know exactly how I feel at every given moment. No, that's not why I do it. That's not what it's about.

It's about me needing to get things out of my head, and not being able to talk it out.

And so I write. And even though there are those that follow my blog, who get my updated entries on their lists of things to read, I've decided to link my entries on my Facebook for those who aren't subscribed. And because, even though I check in on the blogs I follow every day, sometimes even several times a day, not everyone does that. They want to read what I write, but it's not always easy knowing when I've updated my blog. So that's why I share the link, for everyone to see, so that those specific individuals who really want to know how I am, can know. I do it for them, and for no other reason.

There's no personal gain in it, other than the knowledge that those who care about me will get the chance to know how I'm doing. So that they don't have to stand there and be too afraid to ask me.


Do I get any response on the things I write? Quite rarely. I get comments every now and then, on my entries, and I read them and treasure them like they were valuable gems, and on rare occasions I get personal messages on Facebook or a text message on my phone. But that's about it. Do that bother me? No, not really. Yes, I love the feedback I get, but I do not crave it. I know people care about me, and I don't need - nor demand - that they show it off. Some people even feel uncomfortable showing others that they care, and I understand that. So no, it doesn't bother me.

Besides, I know all too well how difficult it can be to find the right words to give to those you care about when they suffer. Cause in the end, you know that words aren't enough. Sure, when people give me their warm words of comfort, it makes me feel good. It makes me feel loved. But what I truly treasure is the warm thoughts they carry, even if they never share them. Cause a caring thought is worth more than a thousand caring words, in my eyes.


So, think of me, every now and then. Give me your warm thoughts, and send me your love through your mind, and I will do the same for you. And I will keep writing, just for you.

Rambling thoughts

I've obviously hit a wall.


Truth be told, I really thought I'd never be back here again. I thought I was done with it all. Something inside me told me it was all behind me. But, apparently, I was wrong. And I was wrong in thinking that certain things wouldn't get to me, cause they did. And not only did they get to me, but they broke me.

So, yeah, I've hit a wall, and fallen into a dump.
And now I can't get up.

You know, it's so strange how I always manage to fall into these holes. I feel like I'm stuck in some sick comedy show, where all I do is trip over holes and get stuck in them. Except for the fact that no one's laughing. Or, if they are, I'm certainly not aware of it, and thank god for that. But, I always get stuck like this. Something comes along to trip me, and I'm down. Flat on my face. And can't get up. So what is wrong with me?

I don't know anymore.

I've had some rough months. Just when I thought I was doing fine, something came along to smack me in the face, and now I've fallen back into old habits. Not leaving the apartment, not talking to anyone, avoiding life both offline and online, feeling down and hopeless about everything, haunted by negative thoughts, and anxiety... It's as if those good months I had never really happened. Like it was just some dream that I've now woken from, and reality dumped a bucket of cold water over me. And we all know I hate cold water.

And it's as if I am out of words. I really want to talk to people, just call someone and talk, but I have nothing to say. Like my words have become meaningless. Just sending a simple text message seems impossible, cause I have nothing to type. It's not that my thoughts are gone, obviously, since I am still thinking things to death and manage to write up quite a lot of ranting in here, but it's when I want to turn those thoughts into words directed at specific people that things get difficult. Just ranting off in a blog isn't that hard, but actually talking to someone seems... Well, impossible.

I do try. When I have nothing to say, I just send my loved ones a heart instead. Just so that they'll know I love them. But I can't survive on just giving people hearts. In the end, I'm sure they'll want more from me... And I try to be chatty when I'm gaming, and talking to people on the world chat. Of course, it's mostly just random babble, but it's better than nothing. So far, gaming has been the one thing keeping me alive. It's a fake world, with fake people and fake achievements, but it's a lot easier to deal with. Being social with people in there is a lot easier, and it honestly saves my life. Sure, I don't really know any of the people I play with, and I can't really sit down and talk to any of them when I'm down and need someone to talk to, but at least their fake words are better than the silence of my walls. Cause right now, the silence coming from my walls are so deafening that it hurts.

I want to leave the apartment. Go somewhere. Do something. I don't care what, as long as it's something. But I'm just too drained. Caught a god damned cold, and it won't leave, and on top of a rather nasty down-curve, it really zaps the life out of me. Just crawling out of my bed - no, sorry, couch. I can't even be bothered getting into bed - is hard enough. So, for the most part, I don't leave it. The place look like a mess, I look like a mess, and my entire life feels like a mess. Talk about messy. So, yeah, I do need some air, I just don't know how to get it. I can't even haul my ass down to the store to buy more cigarettes, so I don't even get the "fresh-air" minutes that I usually get on a daily basis when I'm out for a smoke.

My god, I just realized how pathetic I really feel.
Oh, please, shoot me. Now.

I really don't know what to do right now. I mean, I'm so down and exhausted that I can't even cry. And I usually cry a lot, even when I'm not down. But now? Nope. I'm just empty. Not even tears in there. Sure, okay, there are certain thoughts, every now and then, that brings some water to my eyes, but no real crying. Why can't I even cry? What the hell happened to me? All this, just because of one failure? It doesn't make sense.

I don't even want to get drunk. Or eat chocolate. I don't want anything.
And, you know, that scares me even more.

What happened to my miracle? How come I lost hold of it? And what in the world can I do to get it back? Cause, let's face it; without that miracle, I am pretty much screwed, and my life is meaningless. And when I get to the point where my life just feels meaningless, I get scared.


So, in all honesty? I'M SCARED.
Right now I'd take an alien abduction over this. At least that would get me out of this hole.

Not so great updates

My one week evaluation stay up north worked more or less against its purpose, it seems. I knew it would be slightly difficult, but that it would be such a bad experience for me was something I never could've guessed. And had I guessed it, I would never had gone. I would've just stayed at home instead.


Just after a day up there, I felt my mood dropping. Not sure if I could call it a depression, but I felt extremely down and sad all the time. I figured it was only that I was tired after the eventful months that I've had, and that things were finally catching up to me, so I tried to pay it no mind. But then my nerves started working against me, and the littlest things started to scare me. I suddenly found it difficult to leave my own room, even to just get a cup of tea, and talking to people left me tense and uncomfortable.

And then I had a breakdown.

I crashed so horribly, it left scars on me. It's been a while since I last cried so much, or spent so much time just staring at the wall, wishing that something or someone would come and take me away from it all. At one point, I sat just beside my door, crying and praying that someone would somehow feel my pain and come save me. I couldn't leave my room. I was too scared to. Yet I wanted nothing more than to open that door and leave.

Truth be told, a part of me had started to believe I'd never experience things like that again. It came as a rather nasty bitchslap to my face, which kind of caught me off guard. Not a pleasant experience...


And now? I'm not entirely sure, to be honest. My entire inside is in turmoil in every possible way, and I have absolutely no idea what to do about it. It's like I'm back on that nasty edge where I can easily end up falling off or falling back on safe ground again, and I have no idea which way I'm leaning. I'm just standing here. So many thoughts are hurrying back and forth within my mind, while mixed emotions are clashing like there's some kind of war going on inside me. A part of me just want to keep standing here, and try to shut it all out, while another part want to scream and crawl into a corner, hands over my ears, and just cry it all away.

All I know is that I don't want to acknowledge the world around me and just be alone, yet I desperately need someone to be close to me.

It's as if I'm splitting. Torn apart.


And I just keep looking back. I've done nothing but look back lately. Remembering what was back there, and reliving my past. I had to talk about it, when I was up north, and it was.. Strange. Though, they had no positive feedback to give me. They don't think they can help me. That I should just try to forget and move on. At one point they just insisted that there wasn't anything there that needed fixing, and that my crazy was just... Something I was born with? Stress? Then they tell me that whatever's there is something I shouldn't poke around in, cause it would be bad for me. Talk about confusing...

To be honest, right now I don't know WHAT the deal is anymore.

I just know that I'm running around in circles, inside myself, on the same spot. And it's not pleasant.


I have so much on my mind, it's driving me nuts. And just about 90% of it all are things I can't talk to anyone about, so I just sit here and feel the thoughts swirl around in my head as I slowly lose grip on myself. I feel like screaming at the walls, but a part of me is scared that they'll scream back if I do. So I just cry. I cry, while I pray that something or someone will appear out of nowhere to dry my tears and just hold me close until it's all over. I hate the way I feel so alone.

And I hate the way that, every time something goes wrong in my life, the exact same thoughts come back to haunt me. The thoughts I can't share with anyone, cause no one would understand. I know that's a ridicules thing to say. "No one would understand." I usually hate it when people use that phrase, cause there's little to no truth in that. There's always someone out there that will understand your pain, somehow. But, it's just that... These thoughts. They're so personal. Personal like nothing else in my life. And that makes it so hard for me to imagine that anyone would understand the pain they cause me.

I suppose I'm just being stupid.

But, oh, what I wouldn't give. To make my thoughts real. To have my wishes come true, and my dreams to become reality. I'd probably sell my soul for it. Sacrifice anything... But no, I can't even share the thoughts. They'll just be my private little hell, the rest of my life. And I'll cherish that hell, deeply.


"You're still young!"
Don't you just hate it when people tell you that? When you try to tell them of something that is painful to you, and try to explain how much of an issue it is for you, they just tell you that. That you're still young. You've got your whole life ahead of you. There's still hope. I swear, if they knew how intensely I want to strangle anyone who tells me that, they wouldn't say it. They'd just keep their mouth shut. Makes me want to punch their teeth out sometimes. What the hell does my age have to do with these thoughts and these feelings? And if they knew the issues I actually have with my age... I wish they'd all just shut up, and never even mention my age. Just allow me to forget about it. Fuck, I just want to be blissfully ignorant.



I'm afraid I'm not in the greatest of moods lately.

It's as if everything in and around me decided to go to hell, at the same time, like a twisted family vacation. I know it's probably just a period, and that I'll live through it and that things will eventually get better. I know that. But it still hurts.

It hurts to watch the person I care about the most go through her own personal little hell, knowing that there's nothing I can do to help her.
It hurts that I'm not strong enough to be the support she needs, cause my head had to have the best timing ever and collapse on me now.
It hurts that I'm down again, and that my anxiety suddenly decided to flare up again, leaving me broken once more.
It hurts to know that not even a special psychiatric clinic can't seem to help me figure things out so I can put things behind me.
It hurts to sit inside myself and drown in my own thoughts and feelings, feeling so alone and lost, and knowing that it'll always be that way.
It hurts so much to feel that I have probably lost certain things that I worked so damned much to obtain...

Right now I want to run away from it all.


Not really the most cheery blog entry ever, but things haven't been so good lately, so you guys just gotta forgive me for that. I just have a lot on my mind, and things are rough, and it makes it hard for me to keep my head up at the moment. I'm sure things'll get better soon, when I just get through all this, but it's painful when I'm in the middle of everything.



But, when I think about it. You know what it all boils down to inside me?

I'm lonely.
And I don't want to be.

Sanity's Requiem

( The link to the original English story )

Magdalena

Hun krøp sammen på teppet sitt og så seg omkring på det rommet det hadde gitt henne. Hun var ganske fornøyd med måten hun hadde fått det til å se ut. Sengen hadde bare vært et bryderi, så med litt styr så hadde hun fått fjernet innholdet i den og satt den på siden, så nært veggen som mulig. Hun ville ikke det skulle være i veien...
Innholdet i sengen hadde hun forsiktig brettet sammen og plassert det ved siden av døren så de kunne komme og hente det så snart de fant ut at de hadde tid til det. Den ene pulten og stolen i rommet hadde også blitt flyttet på. Alt for å gi bedre plass i det hjørnet hun hadde valgt.
Ett teppe og tre puter var alt hun hadde plassert i hjørnet, og nå lå hun der, og holdt fast på en flaske fylt med en magisk drikke. Hun stirret på de hvite veggene og smilte for seg selv. Hun likte hvite vegger. De var perfekte til å skribble ting på.

Hun hørte at en nøkkel ble vridd rundt i låsen på døren hennes, så hun satte seg opp og så mot den, nysgjerrig på hvem det kunne være på denne tiden.
"Mag?"
Doktor Callmore stod i døren og så på henne.
"Du har besøk."
Hun blunket et par ganger før hun snudde seg mot haugen av blyanter og tusjer ved siden av teppet hennes. Hun gransket den nøye før hun plukket ut en tusj med klar, grønn farve. Ja! Grønn ville være dagens lykkefarve. Så reiste hun seg, hendene hennes tett om flasken og den grønne tusjen, og gikk mot døren. Dr. Callmore smilte til henne og tok armen hennes, forsiktig, for å lede henne ned gangen.

Hun stirret på de hvite veggene, dypt i tanker om hva hun skulle gjøre med veggene på rommet sitt. Kanskje hun skulle male noe på de? En gress-fylt jorde, kanskje? Eller en magisk skog! Nei, vent... En gigantisk blomstereng, fylt med feer og sommerfugler. Hun smilte. Ja, det ville bli perfekt.

De passerte fellesområdet og hun kjikket kjapt over de folkene som var der inne. Niles stod og slo hodet sitt mot veggen igjen. Så typisk. Sykesøster Myra var på tur for å stanse han før noen av de andre pasientene begynte å kopiere han. De gjorde av og til slikt. Men hun hadde aldri gjort noe slik. Aldri. Hun visste bedre...

Dr. Callmore fant frem nøklene sine og lette gjennom dem for å finne den riktige. Så åpnet han døren som ledet inn til gangen i nærheten av besøksrommet hvor man kunne treffe besøkende og snakke med de. Han ledet henne forsiktig mot rommet og åpnet døren for henne. Han var alltid en slik gentleman... Inne i rommet møtte hun blikket til en annen mann. Han så tilbake på henne, med håp i øyenene. Han hadde ikke gitt opp riktig enda...

~

Hun så inn i øynene hans og smilte mens han erklærte sin kjærlighet for henne. Hun kunne ikke vært lykkeligere, hans armer rundt henne midt i stuen i deres nye hjem. Det var fremdeles mange esker igjen som måtte pakkes ut av, men mesteparten av møblene var blitt satt på plass og leiligheten begynte å ligne et hjem.
Hun kysset han og gikk inn på kjøkkenet for å lage middag til dem begge. Han var sikkert sulten etter all den tunge løftingen. Han hadde nesten ødelagt ryggen sin mens han prøvde å få sofaen inn i leiligheten. Hun smilte for seg selv mens hun lette frem alle de tingene hun trengte. En enkel middag får holde, tenkte hun for seg selv mens hun slo på komfyren for å varme den opp.
Hun stopped og stirret ut i luften, fortapt i sine egne tanker. Hun kunne sverge på at hun hadde hørt... Nei. Det var ikke mulig. Hun stod der ganske lenge, og bare stirret forran seg, før hun hørte noen si navnet hennes. Hun snudde seg kjapt rundt og møtte øynene hans, sjokkert over hvor langt vekk i tankene sine hun hadde vært.

~

Hun så på henne og kom dem i møte for å gi henne en klem.
"Min Magdalena..."
Han hvisket henne i øret, fremdeles med armene tett omrking henne. Dr. Callmore nikket til han og forlot rommet for å la de to være alene.
"Hvordan går det med deg? Er de snille med deg?"
Han smilte og hun la nesten ikke merke til måten stemmen hans skalv. Hun nikket og lot han lede henne over til bordet og plassere henne på den nærmeste stolen. Han satte seg ned og tok hendene hennes i sine, etter å ha plassert flasken og tusjen på bordet. Han smilte et ømt smil og prøvde å fange blikket hennes.
"De fortalte meg at du har fått ditt eget rom nå. Det er jo fint."
Hun nikket og ignorerte den falske tonen i stemmen hans. Det var fint å endelig ha sitt eget rom. Hun hadde så mange planer for det. Og veggene... Åh, de vakre hvite veggene. Hun skulle male dem slik hun ville de skulle være. De var bare hvite, blanke ark for henne å leke seg. Ja... Det var fint å ha sitt eget rom. Han sukket og holdt fastere om hendene hennes mens han dro henne nærmere.
"Maggie... I savner deg så mye. Jeg vet jeg ikke har vært her så ofte, men... Jeg har vært opptatt med jobben i det siste, så jeg har rett og slett ikke hatt tid. Jeg beklager... Jeg lover jeg skal forsøke å komme hit oftere. Det er ikke så langt å kjøre hit."
Hun nikket igjen, og forsøkte fremdeles å ignorere den tonen i stemmen hans som fortalte henne at han løy. Hun så han inn i øynene og smilte. Det var et hult smil, egentlig, men det var alt hun hadde igjen nå. Hun så mot flasken og tusjen, og ønsket så inderlig at hun kunne holde de nært seg. De var den beskyttelsen hun trengte for å ignorere den skjelvende stemmen som fortalte henne løgner.
"Maggie..?"
Han forsøkte å få henne til å se på han igjen, og hun snudde seg vekk fra de elskede tingene sine. Øynene hans var fylt med blandete følelser som fikk henne til å skjelve under blikket hans.
"Jeg hører ikke til her..."
Den myke stemmen hennes var lav og svak og det var bare så vidt han hørte den. Han bet sammen og prøvde å kvele frustrasjonen han kjente inne i seg. Nei, selvfølgelig var det ikke meningen at hun skulle høre til der. Det var et fordømt mentalsykehus! Hvordan kunne hun høre til på et slikt sted?

***

Hun var midt i sitt prosjekt for å male et vakkert bilde av en stor gul og lilla blomst på den ene veggen på rommet sitt da hun hørte skritt ute i gangen. Hun snudde seg og stirret mot døren som om hun forsøkte å se gjennom den. Hun hørte skrittene passere døren hennes, og fortsette ned gangen mot spisestuen.
Var det middagstid allerede?
Hun gikk sakte mot døren og åpnet den. Av en eller annen grunn turde hun ikke å lage noe lyd eller gjøre noen brå bevegelser, og hele kroppen hennes skalv. Hva var denne følelsen? Hun kjikket ut, bare for å se en tom gang. Det var ingen der. Innbilte hun seg ting?

Hun ristet av seg den ekle følelsen hun hadde og fortsatte arbeidet sitt på veggen, mens hun fortalte seg selv at hun bare var sliten etter besøket. Å ignorere løgnene hans gjorde henne alltid trett og sliten. Hun visste hvorfor han ikke hadde vært der den siste tiden. Hun var ikke dum, selv om hun forsøkte å late som. Han ville bare ikke se henne slik. Han skammet seg over henne... Og hvem ville vel ikke gjøre det?

Hun sukket og satte seg ned for å inspisere arbeidet sitt mens hun holdt fast på flasken sin. Det så ut til å bli en ganske pen blomst. Hun krøp over på teppet sitt og krøllet seg sammen, og tok en liten slurk av flasken. Hun måtte være forsiktig så hun ikke drakk den opp for fort. Det var en magisk drikk, tross alt...

***

Hun satte seg plutselig opp med et rykk idet hun hørte noen si navnet hennes.
"Hva?"
Hun så seg omkring, først forvirret, men da hun kjente igjen blomsten på veggen og Dr. Callmore som stod i døråpningen så slappet hun av.
"Hva er det?"
Spurte hun. Hun følte seg fremdeles litt uggen etter å ha sovnet av.
"Åh, jeg mente ikke å vekke deg. Jeg bare tenkte jeg skulle snike meg inne og se litt nærmere på den tegningen din."
Han nikket mot blomsten og smilte til henne. Hun satte seg litt mere opp og så på han med et sukk.
"Så hvorfor sa du navnet mitt? Det gjør deg ikke akkurat så veldig snikete, vet du."
Hun ristet på hodet og tok opp flasken for å ta en slurk av den.
"Hva? Jeg sa ingenting."
Hun satte den lille slurken fast i halsen og begynte å hoste. Gjorde han ikke? Hun så på han, sjokkert og redd, og håpte at han bare ertet henne. Han satte seg ned og klappet henne på hodet.
"Slapp av, Mag... Du drømte sikkert. Sånn går det når du sover hele dagen. Jeg har fortalt deg det flere ganger nå."
Hun nikket da hun husket at han brukte å fortelle henne det hver gang en eller annen merkelig drøm skremte henne. Hun sukket og tok en til slurk fra flasken før hun stirret på den blomsten hun hadde tegnet før hun sovnet. Dr. Callmore reiste seg og hentet stolen så han kunne sette seg ned på skikkelig vis.
"Du har fremdeles ikke fortalt meg hvorfor du er så glad i den flasken."
Han så på henne og ventet på et svar. Hun vendte blikket sitt mot han og grep fastere om flasken. Hennes mørke, brune hår gjemte øynene hennes så han hadde vanskeligheter for å se de skikkelig. Hun så ned på flasken, motvillig til å fortelle han hva den var. Han sukket og lente seg forover for å børste vekk håret hennes. Han ville se øynene hennes. Hun gjorde ikke noe for å stanse han, så han tok sin tid for å børste det vekk på skikkelig vis. Hun hadde så vakre, blå øyne som alltid så ut som om de glitret på sin egen måte. Hun så opp og inn i øyene hans med det blikket bare hun hadde. Det gjorde han helt varm innvendig. Om bare hun ikke hadde vært pasienten hans... Han satte seg opp igjen mens han dyttet til siden slike tanker, og gjenntok spørsmålet sitt.
"Så... Hva er det som er så spesielt med den flasken da?"
Hun lukket øynene og klemte flasken tett inntil seg, før hun åpnet de igjen. Hun stirret lenge på han før hun sukket og løsnet på grepet om flasken.
"Det er en magisk drikk..."
Hun hvisket nesten og Dr. Callmore måtte lene seg forover for å høre henne skikkelig.
"Og hva vil skje om du drikker den?"
Hun bet seg i leppen og følte seg ille til mote, for hun ville ikke fortelle han det.
"Det... Det vil gjøre meg bra igjen."
Hennes lave, myke stemme fikk han til å føle seg helt varm innvendig igjen, og han syntes så inderlig synd i henne. Han sukket og klappet henne på hodet igjen. Stakkars jente... Å klamre seg fast til en flaske på den måten, i tro om at den skulle gjøre henne frisk igjen. Han følte seg trist og ville nesten fortelle henne at vannet i flasken ikke kunne gjøre det for henne. Men, redd for å knuse hjertet hennes holdt han stilt og bare nikket. Hun stirret på flasken som om den var den mest viktigste tingen i hele verden, før hun så opp og inn i øynene hans igjen. Plutselig begynte tårer å fylle øynene hennes og hun grep fastere om flasken igjen.
"Jeg hører ikke til her."
Hun kunne ikke holde det inne lengre idet hun falt til golvet, gråtende og repeterte seg selv. Hun hørte ikke til der... Dr. Callmore følte det som om hjertet hans skulle briste. Det smertet han å se henne slik. Og det smertet han bare mer å vite at det ikke var noe han kunne gjøre for å hjelpe henne på noe vis. Han satte seg ned på gulvet og løftet henne opp, forsiktig. Og mens hun gråt holdt han henne tett mot brystet sitt, uten å bry seg om at han brøt regler ved å gjøre det. Hun trengte noen til å trøste henne. I det minste kunne han gjøre det for henne...

***

De neste dagene holdt hun seg travelt opptatt med å dekorere veggene på rommet hennes. De andre legene hadde protestert i begynnelsen, men søte Dr. Callmore hadde overbevist dem om at det ville være bra for henne å få tatt i bruk kreativiteten hennes en gang i blant. Han var slik en fantastisk mann... Takket være han hadde hun tilogmed fått skikkelig maling som hun kunne bruke får å fikse veggene hennes, og hun var utrolig glad for det. Hun måtte finne en bra måte å takke han på, men for nå konsentrerte hun seg om veggene. Hun ville ha flere blomster i sterke farver for å få det til å føles ut som om hun var ute i en fantasi-eng av blomster.

Etter å ha gjort ferdig den ene veggen, tok hun et par skritt tilbake for å se skikkelig på verket sitt. Hun hadde fylt den ene veggen fullstendig med forskjellige blomster. Noen var blomster hun visste var virkelige som hun hadde lest om mens andre var rene fantasi-blomster som hun hadde tenkt opp mens hun arbeidet. Hun var ganske fornøyd med arbeidet hennes så langt og hun smilte for seg selv. Hun bestemte seg for å ta en pause, siden hun hadde arbeidet i ett i tre dager nå. Hun plukket opp flasken sin, tok en liten slurk fra den, og forlot rommet sitt.

Hun gikk stille ned gangen for å se hvem som befant seg i fellesrommet idet hun hørte skritt bak seg. Hun snudde seg kjapt rundt og stirret på den tomme gangen bak henne.
"H-hvem..?"
Hun begynte å skjelve idet hun fikk det merkelige følelsen av å bli iaktatt. Hun snudde seg så rundt igjen og fortsatte ned gangen. Hva i all verden var galt med henne? Var hun i ferd med å bli fullstendig gal? Idet hun nærmet seg fellesrommet hørte hun skritt bak seg igjen. Hun snudde seg sakte og ba om å få se noen idet den tomme gangen kom til syne.
"Nei! Hold opp! La meg være i fred!"
Hun begynte å skrike idet frykten fylte henne til randen og fikk det til å renne over. Hun la ikke engang merke til tårene idet panikken tok kontroll over henne og hun flyktet ned gangen mens hun skrek etter hjelp. Flere leger og sykesøstre kom løpende for å hjelpe henne, og forsøkte å roe henne ned. Men hun var hysterisk nå. Hun fortsatte å skrike etter hjelp mens hun forsøkte å bryte seg fri fra hendene deres. En av sykesøstrene løp avgårde for å hente noe beroligende idet Dr. Callmore kom løpende ned gangen. Han frigjorde henne kjapt fra de andres grep og holdt henne fast for å roe henne ned.
"Mag. Mag! Ro deg ned. Fortell meg hva som er galt."
Hun begynte å gråte og bare klamret seg fast til han som om han var det eneste trygge hun hadde. Han løftet henne forsiktig opp og bærte henne til rommet hennes hvor han forsiktig la henne ned på teppet sitt. Hun gråt enda, men hun virket roligere. Sykesøsteren kom tilbake, bare for å bli jaget vekk igjen av Dr. Callmore.
"Hun trenger ikke det der! Hun er rolig nå."
Han satte seg så ned ved siden av henne og strøk vekk håret fra ansiktet hennes. Hun bare stirret forran seg og gav fra seg et hikst nå og da. Han kunne se at hun var fortapt i seg selv igjen. Det var ikke noe han kunne gjøre annet enn å la henne hvile. Etter å ha fortalt henne at hun skulle få seg litt søvn, forlot han rommet og lukket stille døren bak seg og låste den.

Han stod der i gangen i flere minutter, i et tappert forsøk på å roe ned hans eget hjerte. Da han hadde hørt henne skrike på den måten hadde han blitt så redd at han hadde bare sluppet det han hadde i hendene og løpt for å hjelpe henne. Hun var så skjør... Han ville bare beskytte henne fra den galskapen som åt henne opp innenfra. Han ønsket med hele sitt hjerte at han kunne hjelpe henne og gjøre henne bedre. Kanskje, om hun kom seg ut derfra, og han ikke var legen hennes. Kanskje da kunne han... Han ristet på hodet og husket på at hun allerede hadde noen.
"Fordømt, David. Ta deg sammen."
han sukket og gikk mot kontoret sitt. Han trengte litt hvile selv nå... Dette var i ferd med å bli mer enn han kunne håndtere.

***

Neste dag var det enda et besøk til henne.
"Magdalena."
Han kom mot henne med åpne armer og et stort, falskt smil.
"Aaron..."
Hun lot han holde rundt henne og lede henne mot bordet for å sitte ned. Han tok flasken i hendene hennes og plasserte den på bordet så han kunne holde hendene hennes i sine, slik han alltid gjorde. Han smilte til henne, det falske smilet igjen, og fortalte henne at han savnet henne. Hun bare nikket og ignorerte løgnene hans så godt hun kunne.
"De fortalte meg..."
Han sukket og så ned.
"De fortalte meg hva som skjedde i går..."
Hun bet seg i leppen og følte skammen over at hun hadde latt panikken ta overhånd på en slik måte.
"Maggie... Jeg trodde du var i ferd med å bli bedre. Du har vel ikke de drømmene igjen, har du?"
Hun så opp og stirret inn i øynene hans. De drømmene...

~

De idiotiske drømmene ville ikke la henne være i fred. Hver natt kom de tilbake og gjorde så hun sov urolig. Hvorfor hadde hun de drømmene? Og hvem var den mannen som alltid dukket opp i de? De dype, blå øynene som hjemsøkte henne, selv når hun var våken. Hvem var han?
"Maggie?"
Aarons stemme slo henne ut av tankene hennes og hun så opp. Han virket irritert...
"Hva er det?"
Hun så på han og han sukket og returnerte blikket hennes.
"Glemte du å lukke døren til kjelleren igjen? Hvor mange ganger må jeg be deg om å lukke den fordømte greia?"
Han ristet på hodet.
"Hører du i det hele tatt etter når jeg snakker, eller bare dag-drømmer du igjen? Fordømt, Maggie! Kan jeg aldri få oppmerksomheten din?"
Hun kjente magen verke av ubehag av måten det strenge blikket hans fikk henne til å føle seg ekkel igjen. Hvordan kunne han si noe slik? Hun gav han bestandig all oppmerksomhet når han var tilstedet. Hvis han var tilstedet... Han sukket igjen og snudde seg for å gå.
"Hva er vitsen? Det er ikke akkurat som om du hører etter uansett..."
Hun reiste seg fra stolen sin og kastet boken hun hadde lest ned på gulvet.
"Hvordan våger du å si noe sånt?! Jeg er i det minste her!!"
Hun simpelten eksploderte av sinne og frustrasjon. Han snudde seg igjen og bare stirret på henne. Hun kunne se at dette var i ferd med å bli enda en av de stygge kranglene de hadde hatt i det siste, men hun klarte ikke å holde det inne lengre.
"Og hva i all verden skulle det bety?!"
Han ropte. Hun bet tennene sammen i frustrasjon, men det var ingen mulighet for at hun trakk seg fra denne kampen.
"Det skulle bety at du aldri er her lengre! Hvordan i helvete skal jeg gi deg noen som helst oppmerksomhet når du ikke engang er her?!"
Hun begynte å rope tilbake til han idet sinnet hennes fikk overtaket på henne. Og han ble bare sintere.
"Og hvorfor tror du jeg er borte så mye, hæ?! Fordi du er så fordømt gal og det eneste du klarer å prate om er den fordømte gutten i drømmene dine!!"
Hun gispet og tok et par skritt bakover.
"Så det er det du mener...? Det er sannheten? Du mener jeg er gal."
Hun kvaltes nesten på ordene sine idet tårer erstattet sinnet hennes mens de fylte henne innvendig og truet med å få henne til å eksplodere igjen. Han sukket og gikk mot henne.
"Jeg beklager, lille venn. Du vet jeg ikke mente det slik..."
Hun ristet på hodet og rygget bakover enda flere skritt.
"Nei... Du mener jeg er gal på grunn av han. Du tror ikke han er virkelig..."

~

"Nei..."
Hun ristet på hodet for å svare på spørsmålet hans. Hun hadde ikke de drømmene igjen. Hun hadde ikke hatt noen av den siden hun hadde blitt innlagt her. Han sukket igjen og holdt fastere om hendene hennes.
"Det er bra... Bare husk, elskede; han er ikke virkelig. De er bare drømmer, ikke sant?"
Han smilte det falske smilet igjen og hun nikket.
"Ja... Bare drømmer..."

***

"Magdalena..."
Stemmen hans var dyp og komfortabel, og den hadde slike en klar tone til den som gjorde den umulig å ignorere. Hun åpnet øynene og stirret inn i hans. Så klare, blå øyne... Han hold armene sine rundt henne og fikk henne til å føle seg trygg og varm. Hun kunne føle pusten hans mot kinnet sitt, og hun visste at han aldri ville gjøre henne noe vondt.
Hun sperret opp øynene og stirret i taket.
"Hva..?"
Hun satte seg opp og så seg omkring, i et forsøk på å finne ut hvor hun var. Hun så bildene på veggen, og døren som ledet ut i gangen, og øynene hennes ble vide av skrekk.
"Nei..."
Det var enda en av de drømmene. Tilbake for å hjemsøke henne og gjøre henne galere. Hun kastet seg mot flasken sin og grep fast i den. Hun drakk flere store munfuller før hun klamret seg fast til den som om den var det eneste som beskyttet henne fra hennes egen galskap. Og på mange måter var den det... Hun reiste seg og brukte veggen for å støtte seg på siden beina hennes ikke virket som om de ville bære henne, og kom seg bort til døren. Hun ville ikke la de drømmene ødelegge henne, uansett hva. Hun kom seg ut i gangen og så ned mot spisestuen. Hun kunne høre stemmer og lyden av tallerkener som ble satt på et bort. Det er snart middagstid, tenkte hun for seg selv og snudde seg og gikk mot fellesrommet.

Gangen var tom, sett bort i fra en annen jente som satt utenfor ett av rommene. Hun lekte med en dukke og forsøkte, så forsiktig som mulig, å skifte klærne hennes mens hun snakket beroligende til den.
"Hei, Angel..."
Jenta så opp idet Magdalena stoppet og hilste på henne.
"Jeg kan se vinger på ryggen din."
Blikket i Angel's øyne var fjernt, som om hun ikke egentlig var der, og stemmen hennes var stille og distansert. Og da Magdalena så henne inn i øyne så møtte hun ikke egentlig blikket hennes, som om hun stirret på noe helt annet. Angel ristet på hodet og fortsatte å kle av dukken mens hun snakket mykt til den.
"Slapp av, ungen min. Mamma er her."
Angel var fullstendig oppslukt av å skifte på "ungen" hennes, så Magdalena fortsatte ned gangen igjen for å finne noen andre å prate med. Hun trengte selskap nå, uten å egentlig bry seg om hvem det var.

Idet hun kom inn i fellesrommet fylte en hel blomstereng synet hennes og hun gispet i sjokk. Hva gjorde en blomstereng midt i fellesrommet? Hun gikk fremover og trådde over på gresset, og hun kjente det kile henne under beina. Hun kunne kjenne den søte lukten av de tusener av blomster som fylte hele engen. En så fantastisk lukt... Og akkurat idet hun skulle til å lene seg ned for å plukke en klar, lille blomst var den en stemme som fikk henne til å hoppe og åpne øynene.
"Mag..?"
Hun stirret opp i taket og forsøkte å forstå hva det var som foregikk idet Dr. Callmore kom gående over til henne. Hun satte seg kjapt opp, med frykt i øynene, og kastet seg skrikende inn i armene hans.
"Det er ikke virkelig!! Det er ikke virkelig!! Jeg er ikke gal!!"
Hele kroppen hennes skalv og hun begynte å gråte mens Dr. Callmore gjorde sitt beste for å trøste henne. Han holdt armene sine tett omkring henne og klemte henne for å roe henne ned mens panikken hennes gikk over i gråt. Han bærte henne tilbake på rommet hennes og la henne ned på teppet igjen, og hun stirret ut i luften og var fullstendig fortapt i tankene sine igjen. Han sukket og reiste seg for å forlate rommet. Han stoppet i døråpningen og snudde seg en siste gang for å se på den skjøre skapningen som lå i hjørnet på et teppe. Hvis bare han kunne redde henne fra henne selv...

...

Idet han gikk ut av rommet møtte han sykesøster Myra på tur for å hente han.
"Doktor, det er noen som ønsker å prate med deg i besøksrommet."
Han nikket og gikk ned gangen. Hvem kunne det være som ønsket å snakke med han på denne tiden av dagen? Det var i ferd med å bli ganske sent, tross alt. Da han kom inn i besøksrommet satt Aaron på en stol og så ut som om han tenkte på noe. Han så opp idet Dr. Callmore kom gående inn og hilste på han.
"Doktor, jeg beklager å forstyrre deg sent på dagen, men jeg må snakke med deg..."
Han nikket og satte seg ned idet Aaron tok et dypt åndedrag og sukket i ren frustrasjon.
"Jeg... Jeg trenger å vite om det er noe håp i det hele tatt. Kommer hun til å bli bedre? Eller... Eller burde jeg bare glemme henne?"
Den siste setningen fikk Callmore's hjerte til å hoppe over et slag og han stirret på Aaron.
"Glemme henne?"
Aaron sukket igjen og så på han.
"Jeg har møtt en kvinne... Hun er en helt fantastisk kvinne. Vakker, smart, morsom. Frisk... Men hun skal flytte vekk herfra i forbindelse med jobben hennes, og jeg trenger å ta et valg nå. Er det verdt det å bli værende her og vente på at Magdalena skal bli fullstendig gal, eller burde jeg dra nå og leve livet mitt?"
Dr. Callmore kunne føle sinne sitt stige og han måtte svelge hardt for å holde det i seg. Hvordan kunne han gjøre noe slikt? Det hadde ikke engang gått tre måneder, og drittsekken dreiv på med en annen kvinne uten engang å bry seg med at han var forlovet! Hvordan kunne han gjøre noe slikt mot Magdalena?! Brydde han seg ikke om henne? Brydde han seg ikke om at hun elsket han og stolte på han?
"Doktor? Hvordan står det til med henne nå?"
Aaron så på han, ventende på et svar, og Dr. Callmore svelget igjen for å holde sinnet sitt under kontroll.
"Jeg... Jeg vet ikke. Det virker som om hun blir bedre, men nå og da har hun sine små tilbakefall. Jeg vet virkelig ikke hva jeg skal fortelle deg, for å være helt ærlig."
Dr. Callmore reiste seg og gikk mot døren idet Aaron ristet på hodet.
"Så får det bli slik... Jeg kan ikke vente på henne. Dessuten, jeg har allerede gjort ferdig pakkingen. Flyet drar i morgen tidlig, så jeg får ikke tid til å komme innom. Kunne du fortelle henne det..? Ikke at jeg har funnet en annen, men at jeg har fått en annen jobb og måtte flytte. Bare finn på noe som hun vil tro på."
Aaron så på han og Dr. Callmore måtte svelge hardere for kontrollere seg selv mens han bare nikket.
"Bra. Tusen takk, doktor. Ta vare på henne for meg."
Dr. Callmore hørte ikke engang etter idet han forlot rommet for å forhindre at han drepte den fordømte mannen. Hvordan kunne han være så hjerteløs når det gjaldt en kvinne han hadde planlagt å gifte seg med? Hvordan kunne han bare forlate henne når hun trengte han aller mest? Og hvordan skulle han klare å fortelle henne at den mannen hun elsket hadde forlatt henne..?

...

"Er du virkelig..?"
Hun stirret forran seg, med størknede tårer på kinnene.
"Du kan se meg, kan du ikke?"
Hans dype, trøstende stemme fylte ørene hennes og hun lukket øynene for å forhindre dem i å bli fylt med tårer igjen.
"Så hvorfor kan ingen andre se deg?"
Hun svelget unna et hikst og nektet seg selv å begynne å gråte igjen mens hun klamret seg til flasken sin.
"Jeg vet ikke... Kanskje fordi de ikke vil se meg. Hvis de så meg, så måtte de innrømme at de tok feil angående meg, og mennesker liker aldri å ta feil."
Hun nikket, for det han sa stemte. Ingen likte å ta feil...
"Hvorfor er du her?"
Hun åpnet øynene og stirret forran seg igjen mens hun fortsatt klamret seg til flasken sin.
"Fordi du vil ha meg her. Og fordi jeg elsker deg..."
Varmen i ordene hans fikk hjertet hennes til å hoppe over et slag og hun gispet idet pusten hennes truet med å forlate henne.
"Jeg elsker deg..."
Gjenntok han idet tårer fant veien ned kinnene hennes igjen. Hun så opp på stolen der han satt, bare for å se ingenting annet enn luft. Hun satt seg opp og tørket vekk tårene mens hun hvsiket ut i det tomme rommet.
"Jeg tror jeg elsker deg også..."

***

Hun satte seg opp på teppet der hun hadde sovet neste morgen, vekt av lyden av banking på døren sin.
"Ja..."
Hun følte seg altfor trett til å prate med noen for øyeblikket, siden de merkelige drømmene hennes hadde holdt henne oppe hele natten. Dr. Callmore kom inn i rommet og hentet frem stolen for å sette seg ned. Hun likte ikke det ansiktsutrykket han hadde. Det var som om han holdt noe fra henne, og maven hennes knyttet seg av uro.
"God morgen, Mag. Sovet godt?"
Tonen i stemmen hans gjorde henne bare mer urolig, for hun kunne merke en svak skjelving i den.
"Så godt som jeg kunne..."
Hun svarte han, og lurte på hvorfor hun følte seg så urolig. Han nikket og tok et dypt åndedrag før han smilte. Et falskt smil...
"Jeg snakket med Aaron i går kveld..."
Hjertet hennes hoppet og hun skjønte med én gang at noe var meget galt.
"Han fortalte meg noen gode nyheter og ville jeg skulle viderebringe de til deg siden han ikke fikk tid til å fortelle deg selv..."
Han løy. Hun visste det. Hun kunne føle det i hele seg.
"Mag... Han har fått en ny jobb og måtte flytte vekk en stund. Men han lovte at han skulle komme og besøke deg når han hadde muligheten til det."
Hodet hennes ble fullstendig blankt idet det virket som om hjertet hennes stopped. Det var en løgn... Hun så opp og mot døråpningen og så en ung mann stående der. Det mørke håret hans falt ned over øyenene hans, og nesten gjemte den dype, blå gløden idet han så ned et øyeblikk.
"En jobb..?"
Spurte hun og så tilbake på Dr. Callmore igjen. Han nikket og smilte det falske smilet igjen. Nei... Hun kjente hjertet sitt falle sammen og hun så tilbake på mannen som stod i døråpningen. Han ristet på hodet og hun visste at det betydde at Dr. Callmore løy for henne.

"Han måtte dra med én gang for å få jobben, men han skulle komme tilbake for å besøke deg senere."
Hun kjente at halsen tyknet og hun svelget hardt for å holde tårene unna idet hun reiste seg og så ned på han.
"Nei..."
Hun hvisket.
"Du lyver for meg..."
Dr. Callmore så opp på henne og forsøkte å holde masken.
"jeg ville ikke lyve..."
Hun ristet på hodet og så bort på mannen i døråpningen idet han så henne inn i øynene og snakket til henne.
"Han forlot deg til fordel for en annen kvinne."
Hun sperret opp øynene og bare stirret på han, og ville ikke tro det han nettopp hadde fortalt henne. Dr. Callmore rynket brynene og så mot døråpningen før han så tilbake på henne.
"Hva er det du ser på? Mag?"
Men hun hørte han ikke. Hun bare stirret på mannen idet han beveget seg vekk fra døråpningen.
"Jeg sa jo han ikke var bra for deg... Tror du meg nå? Det er ingenting som holder deg her nå. Du hører ikke til her. Dra! Jeg skal hjelpe deg ut herfra, men da må du komme nå!"
Stemmen hans var pressende og hun visste at dette ville bli hennes eneste sjangse til å rømme vekk fra dette stedet og kanskje starte et nytt liv et annet sted. Hun nikket til han idet han begynte å gå sin vei og plukket opp flasken sin.
"Mag?"
Dr. Callmore rynket brynene igjen og så urolig ut. Han så mot døråpningen, men kunne ikke se noen der. Han var sikker på at hun hadde sett på noe som hadde vært der, og nå virket hun veldig opprørt.
"Mag, ro deg ned. Aaron sa han skulle ringe deg eller komme å besøke deg så snart han-"
"NEI!! LØGNER!!"
Hun skrek plutselig til han og dyttet han vekk idet hun løp forbi han.
"Jeg vet han forlot meg! Dere bare lyver for meg!! Løgner!!"

Hun skrek og løp ut i gangen og ned mot fellesrommet. Dr. Callmore bante og løp ut for å følge etter henne.
"Løgner! Løgner! Bare løgner!"
Hun fortsatte å skrike idet hun løp inn i fellesrommet hvor flere av de andre pasientene begynte å kopiere henne og lagde fullstendig kaos. Han stod der, ventende, og gestikulerte til henne så hun skulle følge etter han. Og det gjorde hun. Hun banet vei gjennom den kaotiske mengden av skrikende pasienter så kjapt hun kunne og løp gjennom en dør som som regel var låst, og kom inn i en gang med trapper som gikk både opp og ned. Hun kunne høre Dr. Callmore rope navnet hennes og hun visste at han snart ville finne henne. I full panikk løp hun mot trappene og så seg omkring for å se om hun kunne se Han noe steds, og da hun hørte stemmen hans fortsatte hun. Hun løp i blinde opp noen trapper, eller var det ned? Hun visste ikke lengre mens hun fulgte lyden av stemmen hans som ledet henne ut av bygningen. Han skulle hjelpe henne ut derfra, endelig...
"MAG?!"
Dr. Callmores stemme bante seg frem gjennom tankene hennes idet han kom ut i gangen, og hun kjente at panikken tok fullstendig kontroll over henne. Hun kunne ikke la han stoppe henne. Hun måtte komme seg ut av dette stedet! Hun ignorerte han og løp gjennom enda en dør. Hun kunne ikke engang se hvor hun var, for alt hun kunne fokusere på var han som ledet vei for henne. Han var hennes eneste vei ut derfra. Hennes eneste vei tilbake til verden utenfor hvor hun kunne gå tilbake til å leve livet sitt. Han åpnet dørene for henne og ledet vei så hun visste hvor hun skulle løpe, og hun kunne kjenne kjærligheten sin for han vokse seg sterkere. Han reddet henne...
"MAG?!?"
Dr. Callmore ropte etter henne igjen, men hun ignorerte han. Stemmen hans betydde ingenting lengre... Det eneste som betydde noe akkurat nå var hennes frihet, og hun stoppet ikke engang for å lure på hvordan han hun fulgte kunne åpne dører som normalt var låst. Andpusten bante hun vei mot en dør hun hadde sett han løpe gjennom og åpnet den.

Hun gispet over synet som møtte henne. En eng. En eng fylt med så mange farverike blomster at hun kunne aldri klare å navngi dem i løpet av en hel livstid. Hun gikk ut og trådde inn på gresset og kunne kjenne at det kilte under de bare beina hennes. Hun kunne kjenne den nydelige lukten av søte blomster fylle henne og gjøre henne sterkere. Hun klarte det.. Hun smilte og gikk mellom blomstene, og hun kunne kjenne de myke bladene deres under fingerspissene hennes ide hun passerte de og lukte den søte lukten av de. Dette var som himmelen for henne... Alle de vakre blomstene... Og han. Hun så opp og inn i de dype, blå øynene som så ut som at de smilte til henne.
"Magdalena."
Han åpnet armene sine mot henne, og hun kunne se vinger som strakte seg ut fra ryggen hans. Hun gispet og stirret på de nydelige vingene hans idet han strakte de skikkelig ut for å vise de frem. De tok pusten fra henne... Og han smilte til henne. Et varmt smil for å la henne vite at hun var elsket og på et trygt sted hvor han skulle beskytte henne. Hun var endelig ute av det forferdelige fengselet. Hun gikk mot han og lot han legge armene sine rundt henne og holde henne tett mot brystet sitt. Hun var endelig trygg. Armene hans var varme og sterke og han holdt henne tett inntil seg idet han tok til vingene for å bære henne vekk derfra og til et trygt sted. Hun klamret seg til han og kjente at hjertet hennes hoppet idet de lettet og fløy opp mot himmelen og hun hørte den myke stemmen hans hviske henne i øret.
"Jeg elsker deg, Magdalena..."

...

Dr. Callmore løp gjennom døren som ledet til taket, bare for å se Magdalena stående på kanten av det med åpne armer.
"MAG! NEI!"
Han løp mot henne for å hindre henne fra å falle, men feilet idet hun lot armene sine ta rundt luften forran henne og hun falt forover mot bakken før han nådde frem til henne. Øynene hans ble vide av skrekk idet han løp mot kanten og så ned, bare for å se den livløse kroppen hennes liggende flere etasjer nedenfor i et bed av blomster utenfor inngangen til sykehuset. Han var for sent ute... Hjertet hans bristet mens han så ned på kroppen hennes som lå der, og han la ikke engang merke til de andre legene og vaktene som hadde fulgt han i hans jakt på henne. Han falt ned på kne, uten engang å høre noen som spurte om hvordan hun hadde klart å komme seg gjennom låste dører. Han var for sent ute... Magdalena hadde endelig unsluppet denne verdenen, og forlatt han med en ulevelig smerte. Hvis bare han hadde klart å redde henne fra hennes galskap, men han han var for sent ute... Magdalena hadde gått inn i sin verden for godt.

~Slutt