Oh, man, the roller coaster is so real, you have no idea.
I knew depression was a lot of ups and downs - I've dealt with it most of my life, and more or less got a god damned phd in it - but it's been insane this time! Right now I kind of feeling like exploding. Not in an angry way, though. Just... Blow up, scatter in every direction, and then disappear - like a ton of different version of me, all going seperate ways.
Yeah, makes no sense, right?
Welcome to my mind. (wear a seatbelt, please)
The good days are really good. I'm on top of the world, in control of everything in and around me, and I'm smiling and laughing, and I can't even understand how I've ever been able to feel bad, cause everything's amazing!
The bad days are beyond horrible, and I honestly don't even want to keep existing. It takes everything I've got to keep myself from doing something stupid, cause literally all I can think about is leaving this world, cause I truly feel like I have no place in it.
Most days I'm just confused. I'm tired, drained, and I feel so weak and so out of place. Why am I even here? And yet, at the same time, I feel... Not anger, but something similar to it? A stubborness of sorts, and it makes me bite my teeth together and get up. Even if I can't physically stand, I do so in my own mind, and I scream at the things getting me down. "FUCK YOU." Cause you can't beat me.
The good days are good, the bad days are bad, and most days are just... Weird.
It feels like everything's falling apart, and the worst part is that I've stopped caring about it. Or, well, that's not the right words to use. It's hard to explain, really.
Talk about doing the right thing at the wrong time.
I've started my battle with her.
That demon of mine.
It happened purely in accident, actually. I had one of those "most days" of mine, and one tiny little drop managed to tip it all over into a really bad day. A really, really, really bad day. And in the middle of my screaming, and crying, and raging, and hatred towards everything in and around me, and the general feeling of hopelessness and not belonging to this world, she decided to appear. I guess she figured I wouldn't be able to take her on. That I was too weak, and that she'd finally finish me off.
I guess she was wrong.
Everything's falling apart inside me. I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a crumbling building, and everything's slowly being broken down, and I don't really care cause all I can see is her. And I know exactly how to fight her. I know how to beat her, once and for all. I just hope that it doesn't bring me down as well in the process. I don't think that it will. It'll probably leave me pretty broken, and the wounds will take a while to heal. I'm sure this'll leave a lot of scars.. But it's okay, cause it'll be worth it. I'll finally be able to beat her, and that's all that matters.
That one really bad day made me see something I hadn't seen before. It gave me an upper hand I never imagined I'd have, and it makes me feel confident.
Yeah, I'll be honest and say that most of my days are bad days, and I'm really seriously struggling. I'm worried, at times. And scared. Oh, man, you have no idea how scared I get. Scared that those bad days will end me, cause the darkness they put me in is so deep and so thick, it's making me suffocate. I can barely breathe when I'm inside it, and it makes me want to run away. When I got to bed, and I turn off the lights and close the blinds, I stand there for a moment, just staring at the world outside my apartment. It's starting to get dark out again, and it makes me want to just get dressed and go outside, and then just keep walking until I disappear. Leave all my things behind, and my life and everything in it, and just walk away from it all.
But then there's that stubborness in me. I refuse to give up, no matter how much I might want to.
And, luckily, I have the good days between it all that helps me regain my strength so I can keep fighting. Without those days, I'd be done for, no doubt about it. And, strangely enough, right now I'm feeling extra good, and it's all because I'm fighting her. Who would've thought taking on a battle like this would make me feel good in the middle of all the bad.
I feel like I'm in the middle of a battlefield. I'm bruised and broken, bleeding from several wounds, and I really should be dead. I should be lying on the ground, unable to move. And yet I'm getting up, and I can't help but give a grin.
"Is that all you've got?"
Really though, I shouldn't be able to win, all things considered. Yet there's no part of me that thinks I'll lose. I don't care if this breaks me. I don't care what happens in the end. I'm taking her down with me. End of story.
