You know that feeling you get, when you've just fallen in love, and you're in that first fase of being in love where you're floating around on a cloud and being all giddy, and you just can't stop smiling no matter what? Yeah, that's me right now. I'm bouncing around like a giddy little school girl, and there's no doubt that I am in looooove! And I'm absolutely loving it!
Only problem is.. I'm not in love with anyone. I mean, I've been in love several times, so I know that feeling better than anything else, and I know that I'm in love right now, but I know for a fact that I'm not in love with anyone. I'm thinking of my friends and my family, and how much they all mean to me, but I don't have anyone specific in mind when I get that smile on my face. Besides my new protector, that is, but I'm not sure that counts when my protector isn't even a part of this world. I don't know.
Either way, I'm all over the place and as happy as can be! I think maybe I'm in love with life itself. Which is strange, cause I've always hated life. Or, more specifically, my life. So, being in love with life itself is extremely unusual for me. But I am enjoying it, I am! To finally be happy like this, is something I've dreamt of for years. To think that I had to lose everything that really mattered to me, to gain a happiness like this... It's just strange. And kind of painful and sad in a way. But, I suppose this was meant to be, and the few things I've learned lately is that things happen for a reason. I just got to believe in those reasons.
I think I've gotten a lot stronger lately. I am now fully free of my depression, and I even have papers on it, and my anxiety is more or less completely gone. I feel like I'm standing on my feet, even when things are rough, and it feels as though I can handle almost anything now. Sure, those sad things that pain me do come to haunt me at night, and I cry because I hate how I've lost things I loved so dearly, and how I never even manage to gain the one thing I longed for the most. And I allow myself that sadness, and to cry those tears, but I don't allow them to break me. It's okay to be sad. I have good reason to. Just as long as I don't let that sadness take over my life, like it used to. I can smile during the days now, and know that my smile is a real one. It's not something that has been painted on to fool the world, but something real that comes from within me. I am truly happy. And it feels good.
I've always done a good work on that list of mine. So I am slowly gaining a good view of all the things I want to have done within this year. It's a long list, but considering that I've got an entire year to do all the things on that list, I'm pretty pleased with it's length. This year is going to become one of the best years of my life, I am sure of it! I'll finally organize things in my life, and figure out who I truly am and what I want. And I'll finally complete several of the projects I've started on but never finished! This'll be a good year. I just know it.
This video was made by one of the most awesome people I know and one of my most trusted friends, and it has become my theme song these days, which is why I want to share it with you all!
fredag 20. januar 2012
torsdag 12. januar 2012
Panic and torture
Cause I am soo good with making nifty titles for my entries.
Woo.
Anyway, right now I'm just trying not to panic. I'm fighting the panic with everything I've got, and so far I'm doing good. And I'm damned proud of that! There's only 3 days left until my birthday. My birthday, god damn it! I know it's silly, but I've had birthday anxieties all my life. Just the thought of it sends a shiver down my spine. Why? Not sure. I've just never dealt well with growing older, I suppose. So everytime my birthday is coming up, I panic. Sometimes to the point where I have cute little mental breakdowns, and just want to die. It may sound silly, but when you're in my head I can promise you that it's not pleasant. I've had days where I'd literally do anything to avoid my own birthday, even kill myself. That's how extreme my fear of this one day of the year is.
But, this year I'm trying hard to finally get over that fear. I'm going to try and put it behind me, and finally be able to just celebrate myself. I've wanted that for years, but never been able to do it. And, ugh, last years birthday was the worst I've ever had. Sitting alone, in someone else's apartment, crying the entire day, is NOT something I want to experience again. It still haunts me. I try to put it out of my mind, but like so many other things I'd rather forget, it just keeps coming back. Like a virus you just can't get rid of. And it annoys me. So, I want to counter it, by having a good birthday this year. And if I can keep it up, my goal is to finally be able to look forward to my birthday by the time I reach 30. This is, at least, the start.
And I'm going to start tomorrow. It's Friday the 13th, and I'm going to use it as my ME day. I'll make something nice to eat, have candy and beer, and just enjoy the entire day and pamper myself. Saturday I'll, hopefully, go out and eat with my family, and in the evening I've invited people over for a party. I'm hoping we'll go out and dance and have fun later that night. And on Sunday, hung over and all that, I'll have coffee and cake with my closest family at my mum's place, and I'll stay there with them all day. I'm going to enjoy this weekend. And my birthday.
I'm not going to panic. Not even once.
Oh, but I have tortured myself. I hope I'll be able to move by saturday, or my party might get a bit dull. Right now, my body hurts so much that even breathing is painful every now and then. It's completely my own fault for overdoing things and being an idiot, but I still feel sorry for myself nontheless. Me? In a bad shape? Understatement of the year, that is...
My sister got me to go with her to do some half hour workout on Tuesday, to try out the gym she's a member of. Half an hour doesn't sound like much, but when you're a gaming geek like me where the most workout you get is when you wave your wii controller around, it's pretty rough. And we used weights. In half an hour, we trained all the major muscle groups, using the weights, and by the time I was done I was in pain. So, the day after, I felt like I had been beaten. Every time I moved, it hurt. Yet I went to town with mum, and as we sat down for a coffee, my sister walked by. And, she wanted me to come with her to the gym again, for an hour of something called a "Full Package". Stupid as I was, I said yes.
Now, I had my first workout session EVER the day before, and were already feeling beat up. Then I attend an HOUR of jumping up and down, running around, and lifting weights, training all the already sore muscles and not really standing still for even a minute. I nearly died. I don't know how many times I just wanted to cry, for real, cause it was so exhausting and painful. And yet I kept pushing myself, way beyond my own limits. Needless to say, today I am uncapable of moving. It took me half an hour just to get dress this morning. And, of course, lucky me had an appointment on the other side of town today, and it takes an hour to walk there.
I've seriously tortured myself. And I kind of hate myself for it.
Of course, I do feel good as well, knowing that I've managed to drag myself off my lazy behind. I really want to get in better shape, cause right now I don't even have muscles let alone good ones. And if you want something, sitting on your ass won't help you get it. So yeah, I'm pleased with myself. And it was fun. But, I've learned my lesson; ease into the whole training thing. Killing myself won't help me get in better shape, lol.
I have a lot of things I need to do, especially if I'm to get the place to look a bit more tidy for when my guests arrive on Saturday, but it's not gonna happen today. I'm slowly learning not to push myself, so I'mma let myself take it easy the rest of the day today. Gonna attempt some dinner making, and then I'll just pass out on my couch and maybe watch some TV. I don't think I even want to game. I just want to do absolutely nothing, and let my poor body rest.
I owe it that much, after the torture I've put it through, haha!
Woo.
Anyway, right now I'm just trying not to panic. I'm fighting the panic with everything I've got, and so far I'm doing good. And I'm damned proud of that! There's only 3 days left until my birthday. My birthday, god damn it! I know it's silly, but I've had birthday anxieties all my life. Just the thought of it sends a shiver down my spine. Why? Not sure. I've just never dealt well with growing older, I suppose. So everytime my birthday is coming up, I panic. Sometimes to the point where I have cute little mental breakdowns, and just want to die. It may sound silly, but when you're in my head I can promise you that it's not pleasant. I've had days where I'd literally do anything to avoid my own birthday, even kill myself. That's how extreme my fear of this one day of the year is.
But, this year I'm trying hard to finally get over that fear. I'm going to try and put it behind me, and finally be able to just celebrate myself. I've wanted that for years, but never been able to do it. And, ugh, last years birthday was the worst I've ever had. Sitting alone, in someone else's apartment, crying the entire day, is NOT something I want to experience again. It still haunts me. I try to put it out of my mind, but like so many other things I'd rather forget, it just keeps coming back. Like a virus you just can't get rid of. And it annoys me. So, I want to counter it, by having a good birthday this year. And if I can keep it up, my goal is to finally be able to look forward to my birthday by the time I reach 30. This is, at least, the start.
And I'm going to start tomorrow. It's Friday the 13th, and I'm going to use it as my ME day. I'll make something nice to eat, have candy and beer, and just enjoy the entire day and pamper myself. Saturday I'll, hopefully, go out and eat with my family, and in the evening I've invited people over for a party. I'm hoping we'll go out and dance and have fun later that night. And on Sunday, hung over and all that, I'll have coffee and cake with my closest family at my mum's place, and I'll stay there with them all day. I'm going to enjoy this weekend. And my birthday.
I'm not going to panic. Not even once.
Oh, but I have tortured myself. I hope I'll be able to move by saturday, or my party might get a bit dull. Right now, my body hurts so much that even breathing is painful every now and then. It's completely my own fault for overdoing things and being an idiot, but I still feel sorry for myself nontheless. Me? In a bad shape? Understatement of the year, that is...
My sister got me to go with her to do some half hour workout on Tuesday, to try out the gym she's a member of. Half an hour doesn't sound like much, but when you're a gaming geek like me where the most workout you get is when you wave your wii controller around, it's pretty rough. And we used weights. In half an hour, we trained all the major muscle groups, using the weights, and by the time I was done I was in pain. So, the day after, I felt like I had been beaten. Every time I moved, it hurt. Yet I went to town with mum, and as we sat down for a coffee, my sister walked by. And, she wanted me to come with her to the gym again, for an hour of something called a "Full Package". Stupid as I was, I said yes.
Now, I had my first workout session EVER the day before, and were already feeling beat up. Then I attend an HOUR of jumping up and down, running around, and lifting weights, training all the already sore muscles and not really standing still for even a minute. I nearly died. I don't know how many times I just wanted to cry, for real, cause it was so exhausting and painful. And yet I kept pushing myself, way beyond my own limits. Needless to say, today I am uncapable of moving. It took me half an hour just to get dress this morning. And, of course, lucky me had an appointment on the other side of town today, and it takes an hour to walk there.
I've seriously tortured myself. And I kind of hate myself for it.
Of course, I do feel good as well, knowing that I've managed to drag myself off my lazy behind. I really want to get in better shape, cause right now I don't even have muscles let alone good ones. And if you want something, sitting on your ass won't help you get it. So yeah, I'm pleased with myself. And it was fun. But, I've learned my lesson; ease into the whole training thing. Killing myself won't help me get in better shape, lol.
I have a lot of things I need to do, especially if I'm to get the place to look a bit more tidy for when my guests arrive on Saturday, but it's not gonna happen today. I'm slowly learning not to push myself, so I'mma let myself take it easy the rest of the day today. Gonna attempt some dinner making, and then I'll just pass out on my couch and maybe watch some TV. I don't think I even want to game. I just want to do absolutely nothing, and let my poor body rest.
I owe it that much, after the torture I've put it through, haha!
mandag 9. januar 2012
And a new year begins
I'm a bit late in wishing you all a happy new year, but my excuse is Zelda. My brother gave me Skyward Sword for x-mas, and I've been stuck to my wii all last week. And, when I get stuck to something, I tend to stay there for a while and forget about the rest of the world. Though, I managed to beat the game in 6 days! I'm quite proud of that. Only problem is that now I have no more Zelda to play, and that makes me a bit sadfaced. I'd replay Ocarina of Time, but I realized the other day that I don't have it here! More sadface. Which means that I'll have to shift my focus on to sensible things, like house chores. Eek.
Anyway, what can I say about the new year so far? Well, not much, really. I'm still bent on sticking to my plan of fixing my life. I don't want to change myself, or anything like that, but I need to figure out who I am and organize the chaos that is me and my life. And my apartment. And, I'm going to use all of 2012 to get that done! No more rushing cause I have to be perfect, like, yesterday. I only stress myself when I set expectations like that. This is MY year, so I'm gonna take my time and focus 100% on myself. I'm gonna teach myself something I've never known how to do; accept myself for who I am, and love myself. And to do that, I'mma be selfish. Or at least try to. No more sacrificing myself for the sake of others! No more saying yes to everything cause I can't handle saying no to people cause I don't want to hurt them! And no more ignoring my own needs to satisfy the needs of others!
I just hope I can keep that up. Grow a backbone, and all that.
Either way, I'm planning on documenting it all. But not here. You know, I love this blog, and I love my readers, but I've come to realize that I'm not really honest in here. Or, well, I'm not lying or anything, but I am not writing everything. I hold a lot of things back, cause I don't want to offend anyone. And I keep from mention names, cause I don't want to point fingers. Even in my own personal blog, I tread carefully for the sake of others, and end up keeping things to myself instead of sharing them. And I doubt that'll ever change, unfortunately. So, this is why I have started on a new blog (yes, I know, I have a fetish for making new and improved blogs. Whatever.), and in there I won't be giving a damn if I'll offend anyone. I'll be as honest as can be, and write exactly how I feel and think. And I will mention names and point fingers. I'll still keep this blog, and update it whenever I feel like writing something down, and linking the entries on FB as usual. Nothing will change in here. But the new blog will be about my road to finding myself, and nothing else, and it will be updated every sunday. But I will not be linking the entries on FB or anything like that. So if any of my readers want to follow that blog, they need to remember to check in themselves. Mainly cause I'm not having that blog for the sake of my readers, but for the sake of myself. It's good to have someplace to document my progress, so that I can go back and look at it if I ever forget how far I've gotten.
This will be the first and only time I post the link to the blog, just so you know.
aratri.blogspot.com
And this links to the first entry, which is lengthy as hell. You've been warned.
These first months, the entries will be scentered around things that have been, and who I currently am. It'll be me trying to shake off things from the past, so that I can get ready to move forward. And then, after a while, I'll hopefully start writing about my progress.
Okay, now with that aside, we can go back to the regular schedule. And I have to say that I'm excited about the new year. I really hope it'll bring good things to my life, and that I can figure things out. Although, at the moment my focus is mainly on keeping myself from going into a panic state. I'm 6 days away from my birthday, and so far I've been avoiding the yearly birthday anxiety, but I can feel it poking me at the back of my head. Ugh, most of me just want to ignore the whole day. But, if I am ever to get rid of my birthday issues, then I need to face them head on and celebrate my day properly. And have a good time.
So, my plan so far, is... Since my birthday is on a sunday, I'll be going out on saturday. I think. I need to check around and see if any of my friends are available for going out with me, and then maybe have a small party at my place before going out. We'll see. But on sunday, I'm thinking a simple coffee and cakes at mum's place, and that's it. It'll be a simple, but hopefully a good, birthday. And I'm hoping I'll get more keys. I don't have nearly enough.
But, as soon as my birthday is out of the way, I'm going to start focusing on this new year, and all the exciting projects I'm going to be working on. Cause I've got a whole bunch of projects I've been planning, and I've saved them all for 2012! And I should start with the lists. Cause lists are good to have. So, making lists of all the things I want done by the end of the year, will help me get it all done. Or, that's my plan, at least.
No, you know what? I'm going to start with turning the heater up, cause my hands are almost frozen now from all this typing. It's a bit chilly here.
Anyway.. HAPPY NEW YEAR, MY LOVELIES! Let's all hope it'll bring good things.
Anyway, what can I say about the new year so far? Well, not much, really. I'm still bent on sticking to my plan of fixing my life. I don't want to change myself, or anything like that, but I need to figure out who I am and organize the chaos that is me and my life. And my apartment. And, I'm going to use all of 2012 to get that done! No more rushing cause I have to be perfect, like, yesterday. I only stress myself when I set expectations like that. This is MY year, so I'm gonna take my time and focus 100% on myself. I'm gonna teach myself something I've never known how to do; accept myself for who I am, and love myself. And to do that, I'mma be selfish. Or at least try to. No more sacrificing myself for the sake of others! No more saying yes to everything cause I can't handle saying no to people cause I don't want to hurt them! And no more ignoring my own needs to satisfy the needs of others!
I just hope I can keep that up. Grow a backbone, and all that.
Either way, I'm planning on documenting it all. But not here. You know, I love this blog, and I love my readers, but I've come to realize that I'm not really honest in here. Or, well, I'm not lying or anything, but I am not writing everything. I hold a lot of things back, cause I don't want to offend anyone. And I keep from mention names, cause I don't want to point fingers. Even in my own personal blog, I tread carefully for the sake of others, and end up keeping things to myself instead of sharing them. And I doubt that'll ever change, unfortunately. So, this is why I have started on a new blog (yes, I know, I have a fetish for making new and improved blogs. Whatever.), and in there I won't be giving a damn if I'll offend anyone. I'll be as honest as can be, and write exactly how I feel and think. And I will mention names and point fingers. I'll still keep this blog, and update it whenever I feel like writing something down, and linking the entries on FB as usual. Nothing will change in here. But the new blog will be about my road to finding myself, and nothing else, and it will be updated every sunday. But I will not be linking the entries on FB or anything like that. So if any of my readers want to follow that blog, they need to remember to check in themselves. Mainly cause I'm not having that blog for the sake of my readers, but for the sake of myself. It's good to have someplace to document my progress, so that I can go back and look at it if I ever forget how far I've gotten.
This will be the first and only time I post the link to the blog, just so you know.
aratri.blogspot.com
And this links to the first entry, which is lengthy as hell. You've been warned.
These first months, the entries will be scentered around things that have been, and who I currently am. It'll be me trying to shake off things from the past, so that I can get ready to move forward. And then, after a while, I'll hopefully start writing about my progress.
Okay, now with that aside, we can go back to the regular schedule. And I have to say that I'm excited about the new year. I really hope it'll bring good things to my life, and that I can figure things out. Although, at the moment my focus is mainly on keeping myself from going into a panic state. I'm 6 days away from my birthday, and so far I've been avoiding the yearly birthday anxiety, but I can feel it poking me at the back of my head. Ugh, most of me just want to ignore the whole day. But, if I am ever to get rid of my birthday issues, then I need to face them head on and celebrate my day properly. And have a good time.
So, my plan so far, is... Since my birthday is on a sunday, I'll be going out on saturday. I think. I need to check around and see if any of my friends are available for going out with me, and then maybe have a small party at my place before going out. We'll see. But on sunday, I'm thinking a simple coffee and cakes at mum's place, and that's it. It'll be a simple, but hopefully a good, birthday. And I'm hoping I'll get more keys. I don't have nearly enough.
But, as soon as my birthday is out of the way, I'm going to start focusing on this new year, and all the exciting projects I'm going to be working on. Cause I've got a whole bunch of projects I've been planning, and I've saved them all for 2012! And I should start with the lists. Cause lists are good to have. So, making lists of all the things I want done by the end of the year, will help me get it all done. Or, that's my plan, at least.
No, you know what? I'm going to start with turning the heater up, cause my hands are almost frozen now from all this typing. It's a bit chilly here.
Anyway.. HAPPY NEW YEAR, MY LOVELIES! Let's all hope it'll bring good things.
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