Day of Death

My 3rd anniversary.

3 years ago today, a part of me died. The mask that I was hiding behind, the person that had locked the real me up in a cage and forced me to be something I'm not - that person died. She was the main cause for my constant troubles, and how I always seemed to go from one identity to another, never truly finding peace within myself. But, she's now gone. What happened that day, 3 years ago, is something no one will ever truly know, cause it is just too intimate, too personal, for me to share it with anyone, but the results changed everything. I've already mentioned this, in last year's entry on the matter, though I feel like diving a bit deeper into it all.

So many masks, so many identities, all, in the end, conjured up by her as a way of controlling me. But now she's gone, and today I celebrate her death.

Who is she? I've talked about her a lot of times, and I keep giving different explanations of who she is, and where she came from. I suppose it's because I don't really know for certain how she came to be. She's in my stories, under the name Aswari Ah'neth - Aswa for short - and she only showed up about a year or so before she died. But I've come to understand that, in a way, she was always there. Hiding in the shadows, playing tricks and creating masks, and pulling my strings without my knowing.

I've mentioned how those different masks had different identities, and they are all a part of my stories - and in a way I suppose I can thank her for that. They came and went - hundreds of them - though there were a small handful of them that had their biggest impact on me, and that stuck around, thinking that they were the real me. In my stories, they are known as the Gatekeepers.

No one knew the first one, cause she left without ever telling anyone that she was there in the first place. It's only recently that I decided to hunt her down and recruit her, putting her into my stories. Her name is Gina, and although she can appear a bit boy-ish and rough at times, she's actually really nice. She's a hardcore gamer - Zelda being the number one favourite, of course - and she loves dogs more than anything. She's got a Border Collie named Pinto, and he follows her wherever she goes.

The second was the one everyone knew, and she went by many, many names - one name actually being Gina, as an honour to the one before her. Puz was one of her most used nicknames, though FireChild and NightCat were also well known names. But to me, she's Angel. Always has been, always will be. The stubborn, bossy, and impossible little feline thief with a horrible temper. She's better now, though. I think she grew up a bit, after she left me.

The third was the alien that few ever got to meet. The quirky, crazy, and extremely random iihp, whom kept getting into trouble. She loved to draw, and comics in particular was something she was fond of making. Still have a bunch of the ones she drew, during her overly creative periods. She was a lively one, though she had a lot of issues - one of them being her past. She struggled a lot, and eventually; she left.

There was a short period where there was nothing but emptiness, and then the fourth came along.

A mage of fire and ice, uncertain of herself, stumbling headfirst into the world - that was how I came to know Aria. She was a bit of a wreck, to be honest, as she had no confidence in herself and her self-esteem was so horribly low that it couldn't even be seen. She was fidgety and jumpy, and the world was a scary place that kept breaking her, and she just fell more and more apart as time went by. And yet I loved her very dearly, and I held on to her and tried to show her that she mattered. That she was worth something.

Maybe it was because I cared so much for her, that Aswa decided to appear. She came out of the blue one day, putting shackles on me and forcing Aria far back into our minds where she couldn't be seen, and stepping into the role as the 5th "me."

Aswa was a horrible mess. She was psychotic - seeing and hearing things that weren't there - and she kept hurting everyone around her, and pushing them away. She lied - oh, how many lies she told! - and used, and destroyed. On the outside she played the perfect role, like she planned, but on the inside she was a horried creature that only wanted to create misery. If people had seen the things going on in her head...

But she's gone.

She wanted me dead, erased from this world forever, but she failed. I suppose I was just too strong, because instead of erasing me, she erased herself. She died, and during those months after her death, I was finally free to wake up. My chains were gone, the masks were broken, and the cage had been opened. I was free.

And then I was awake


I've been going through a dungeon lately. Fighting my way through it, losing my way every now and then, and there have been times when I felt ready to give up, because it was just so hard. Then I realized what this dungeon was, and what kind of boss awaited me at the end. This is my fight against her. Against her masks and her strings, and everything she did in my name. It's time I faced it all, and put it all to rest.

Today marks the anniversary of her death, but my fight with her is not over. These next couple of months I'll be facing everything, and dealing with it as best I can. And when the new year comes, and I finish this fight - emerging victorious - I'll be able to celebrate my 30th birthday, and my 3rd awakening day.

Though I am dreading this fight, and have been dreading it for quite some time, I now realize that I have more weapons to use in this fight than I originally thought. I have friends and family, all backing me up whenever I need them, and now I also have an amazing girlfriend that I know will always do her best to help me in my fights, just like I will always do my best to help her as well. And within the world of Arcaiia, I have so many people ready to stand by my side and help me fight.

I'm not standing alone anymore.

The Gatekeepers stand by my side, turning the strings created by the mask into allies instead of enemies. I'm stronger, now, than ever before. Yes, I might fall, and yes, I might break, but that won't be enough to defeat me. I know it'll be tough, but I'll make it. Nothing can ever make me give up.

Today I celebrate the Day of Death, and the beginning of the end of my nightmares.

So, uhm, wow.

I'm in a weird state of happy/shock/panic.
Life took an unexpected turn.

We all know how introverted I can be. I grew up more or less on my own, and I got used to being alone. I'm very comfortable being alone - always have been, always will be - which is probably the main reason for why I developed social anxiety when I was younger. Though the anxiety is gone, I still tend to shy away from social stuff on a daily basis, unless I'm partying. This has been one of the reasons for why I've been very insisting about NOT getting into a relationship, along with the fact that I still have a lot to figure out about myself since it's only been a couple of years since I woke up and found me. I don't want a significant other in my life. I enjoy being on my own, and, of course, I have to be honest and say that love kind of terrifies me. So, ah......

I got a girlfriend.

Yes, you heard me. And no, that wasn't a joke. I've checked out of the single life, and ventured into the world of taken. I'm in a relationship.

What the hell?

Happy/shock/panic mode: Engage.

My head's in a state of numbing shock, and everything feels surreal, cause this was the last thing on my mind, and I never dreamt it would happen, but it did. I'm happy and weird, and somewhat terrified. It's been so facking long since I last was in an actual real relationship that I've sort of forgotten how that works. I need to download a "How to Have a Girlfriend for Dummies" walthrough and figure out how to do this.

I tried figuring out how long it's been since I last had an SO, and my conclusion is... A long time ago. I wouldn't count the relationship I had with my ex-girlfriend as an actual real relationship, to be honest. It was a weird one-sided obsession that was occasionally returned, where I threw ALL of me and all my love towards a person that loved me back only when it suited her. We had a short period of official dating back in 2009, and that same year she ended up walking out on me, again, and we went back to being friends/lovers. And then we had the final break-up as both friends and lovers back in 2011, and I've been more or less on my own in every way since then, which I find satisfying and comfortable. But, yeah, my point is that the last time I had a real relationship was the one I had before that, with the guy I lived with for 4 years, and if I remember correctly, we broke up in 2008. On Valentine's Day, no less, cause I'm an idiot with great timing.

I've been on my own for a long time now, and that's what I'm used to.

And then, along came Candy.

Yes, that's my new official nickname on her, cause I'm an adorable and awkward weirdo.

We first met earlier this summer, at a Gay Pride Party some friends we had in common hosted. It was one hell of a party - shit happens, and then you party naked. My life's motto, which really came true during that party, of course, and Candy was one of those people I ended up naked with.  It was all fun and games, and we really didn't have any real contact after the party. I had her on facebook, and that's about it. I kept my focus on my life and figuring things out with myself. Then, a little while ago, a friend of mine was having a party, and invited me - like he always does - and for once I had the time, and my body was doing well, so I could actually say yes to that. It was a fun and really great party, with just a few, and amazing, people, and I had a good time. Then Candy popped by sometime late that night, cause she was out driving. She had no plans on partying, but we talked her into it, and got her a drink that somehow turned to several, and suddenly I dragged her home with me. That was the sunday where I woke up with a gorgeous nekkid lady in my bed (as mentioned in a previous entry of mine), and we spent the entire day just talking about anything and everything. We really connected, and I realized that this is a friend I'm gonna keep, cause she's awesome and we have a lot on common. We're both fucked up and weird, so ha.

For the next couple of weeks, we've been talking regularily, and she's been by a couple of times, and we've been gaming and talking and generally having a great time. And then, this weekend came, and stuff changed. One of my oldest and closest friends hosts a yearly Halloween party that has become a tradition, and it's the only party I always go to no matter what. Of course, this year she hosted it again, and I helped her rent a place, cause it was time for her to expand and make the event even bigger. The party was this saturday, and I told Candy she could drop by my place and get ready since I live, like, 1 minute away from the place where the party was held. And I had already planned that she was gonna spend the night, cause that would've been the easiest for her so she didn't have to worry about getting home in the middle of the night and then come back the day after to pick up her car. She arrived, threw some Skittles at me cause she knew I wasn't doing well - she's adorbs - and we slowly geared up for the party, before we headed off for an amazing night with lots of awesome people.

From the moment we arrived, we kind of kept together, cause it seemed easier since we arrived together, and before you get into the drinking you tend to take it easy and not mingle all that much. I don't know when and how it happened, but at some point during the drinking and the partying, she was suddenly dragging me off outside cause we had managed to steer into the topic of dating, and it was time for a serious talk. The talk.
There was something there, and it's been there from the start. This weird spark. I'm attracted, and this past month I've felt a sort of pull towards her that I couldn't quite explain, and she had the same thing. Of course, we were drunk during that talk, so we sort of decided to deal with this the day after, but after that talk we was sort of glued together, and things were strangely comfortable. She spent the night, of course, as planned, and the day after, when we woke up tired and hung over, it became obvious that yesterday's drunken talk wasn't just the alcohol talking. And we concluded that we're gonna have a go at this relationship thing and see where that takes us.

And here we are. Having a go at that.

It's odd and nice, and scary, and weird, and I'm not sure what's going on, but that's how it is. We're taking it slow, cause this wasn't exactly planned - and my introverted self is somewhat terrified, and I'm dependant on having a lot of alone time - and I have no idea where this'll end up. Either this doesn't work out, and we either fuck things up really bad or just sort of slips back into just being friends, or this could actually work and turn into something really serious. I honestly have no idea, but I'm trying to stay open, and just take things as they come.

She's really gorgeous and quirky, and geeky, and she's comfortable to be around. I don't feel any pressure or like I'm expected to be something I'm not, so I can just take it easy when she's around and do what I usually do when I'm on my own. She makes me warm and fuzzy inside, which is new and strange to me, but I find myself randomly smiling quite often, and I know that it's because of her.

I'm still scared.
But it's sort of okay.

I had forgotten what love felt like, but I'm liking this reminder.