There is so much going on in and around me right now, and it feels like I am about to burst! I have so much to think about, that I'm not sure what I am thinking anymore. I think I need another vacation. XD
I still feel a dying need for a lot of alone time, cause I do feel - to use a phrase I heard while I was in Israel - a bit people'd out. I just need a lot of time to sort out the chaos that is going on inside me, and it's hard to do that when I'm surrounded by people. I kind of wanted to take a quiet month this November, and just relax, but so far it's not really going according to plan. A lot of things are happening around me, and people keep asking me to spend time with them, and I have the hardest time ever saying no. I should say no more. I really should. I'm way too bad at it.
But the way things are now, it doesn't look like I'll be getting some quiet time any time soon. Got my driving lessons very frequently on the weekdays, and my next couple of weekends are already fully planned, not to mention all the other appointments that just keeps piling up.
No wonder I feel completely exhausted all the time now. I guess I'm just at another point in life where all the tiresome and difficult things come and swarm me and demand that I deal with them all at the same time. Oh, the joy.
My financial situation is total crap right now, cause I'm as broke as can be, yet I keep pretending that I'm not. I want to still be able to tell people that "I've got it" when we're out drinking or eating, cause I like paying for others. I like spoiling my friends. I know I shouldn't, cause I can't afford it, but it makes me happy. So at the moment I'm trying to pretend that I still got money, so they don't tell me off when I try to pay for their drinks or something. Yeah, I've got silly problems, I know. X3
But I've been approved for a loan at the bank, which is good news. Not a big loan, mind you, but hopefully it'll be enough to get a bigger apartment. Preferably one with two bedrooms, and more storage room... But first on the agenda is selling my current apartment, so I know how much money I have on my own. I just hope I can manage to sell it for a decent amount. I mean, it's a nice apartment, and I got the best view in town, so hopefully that'll help it sell. The Real Estate woman is coming on Monday to take a look at the place, so it probably won't be too long until it's put up for sale. Then I just need to cross my fingers and hope that I find a nice new place as soon as possible, and I can get a big enough loan to buy it. I really need it now...
And to add to the stress factor of things, my ex made contact again. Want to talk to me, she says. I'm not sure why, to be honest, cause we really have nothing to talk about unless she wants to fix things between us. Somehow I can't get myself to believe that she'd want that. After everything she did, she made me lose all faith and trust in her, and I doubt I'll ever get it back. I don't know... The entire encounter totally broke my day, and took what little I had left of energy. People's opinions about the matter are anything but nice, but they're all pretty pissed at her and generally can't stand her face. I'm pissed as well, though bitter and hurt wins out more than pissed. In the end, I'm just sad about everything, and not so much mad anymore.
And then there are a dozen of other things that are bothering me these days, both in and around me, and it is all contributing to weighing me down and making me slightly depressed. It's like this big and heavy darkness has just piled on top of me, and is slowly trying to crush me. And it's literally dark around me, cause the winter season here in Norway is horribly dark, and despite my sunny months in Israel I don't have enough reserves to deal with all this darkness on top of everything else. My head is already on overload with the things I have to think about these days. It's hard to deal with everything at the same time. I have moments where I just want to curl up into a ball and just cry and scream until it all goes away. I know it won't help, and that it won't fix anything, but at least it would give me a moment to distance myself from everything.
Yep. Definitely need a vacation.
I wish I had wings. Then I could go out on my balcony and climb up on the edge and try to get up on the roof, and when I got up there I could just jump. And fly. Spread my wings and soar high up above the town, in the middle of the night, away from everything, and fly as high up as I could possibly get. And then I'd look down, and see exactly how many lights that shine down below me, and light up the dark night.
It's only when it's dark that you really see all the many different lights that exist around you.
I want to shine~
