As I was trying to find the blissful embrace of sleep on Thursday, I got to thinking. It's not unusual, really, considering that happens pretty much every night, but this time I concluded that I needed a bit of time to myself. I have a lot of things to digest, mentally, and figured it was about time I actually took some time to digest it.
Come Friday, I still feel like taking some time to myself, and decide on a "quiet weekend" of no social contact, for once. And just as I make a post about that on FB - you know, to warn the masses that they'll be deprived of my awesome presence so they can spend the weekend crying over that loss - I hear a knock on my door. I finish my status update and post it, then get up to get that door, cursing to myself and saying that this better be important. And there's my ex, dropping off a wedding invitation. Considering I haven't seen that face in quite literally a year, after we parted on somewhat ugly terms, it was quite a shock to swallow, and I found myself blessing my brain for having already decided on a quiet weekend, cause right there was another good reason to take some time to myself.
I swear, the gods that watch over me have a twisted sense of humour sometimes.
When it comes to the case of my ex, that is an entire chapter of its own, and in the end I've decided that it was a chapter that left quite a bit of mess that I'm not gonna clean up. I'm not gonna take the responsibility of it, cause I'm not the one that fucked up - for once - and I'm just gonna leave it at that. If my ex wanna clean it up, then I'll welcome that with open arms and we might just talk it over and become friends, but if not then it's just not worth it and I'm gonna learn to forget about it all. Case closed.
Moving on to other cases I've tackled this weekend...
My physical health is one, cause it's not exactly all that great. Part of that is because of how bad shape I am in, and I'd like to do something about that. But how do I get in better shape, without losing my actual shape? Thing is, I'm one of those freak women that likes having curves, and dun want to be one of them skinny bitches. I just don't think it's pretty when you're thin as a stick, and a real woman is supposed to be round in my eyes. So I'd rather not lose weight or anything like that, but damn I could kill for some stamina and muscles along with my fine curves! Seriously! So, my problem is basically, how do I get in better shape so I get more stamina and become stronger, yet stay plump and curvy as I am right now. Anyone care to help me with that particular problem? I'd love any tip or help I could get.
My future is another case, which is several big cases all rolled up into one. It's starting to feel a bit heavy on my shoulders, and I figured it's about time I dealt with some of that weight.
I paid down the loan I took to buy my apartment, so now I'm almost completely free of debt. It's an insane feeling, I can tell you that. But it was actually a hard choice to make. I had the money to pay it down, but I could've chosen to use that money to pay for my driver's lessons, since I'm now going to try and get my driver's liscence, and buy x-mas gifts since it's only two months left until x-mas, and pay for a vacation I promised to go on with my family in easter next year that has already been reserved, and still live decently while slowly paying down my loan. But instead I've chosen to live on a really strict budget for the next half year or so, just so that I could get rid of that loan. Every single piece of leftover money I have needs to be put into savings to pay for my driver's lessons, x-mas gifts, and that vacation, which doesn't really leave a lot of room for actual fun. I hope I made the right choice.
And speaking of financial things and future...
I've decided that I want to sell my apartment, and buy a new one. I mean, I love this place, I really do, but I'm feeling uneasy again. It may just be my gypsy blood going haywire, again, but everything inside me tells me that it's time to move. And, truth be told, I want something a tiny bit bigger. I just want space, so I don't have to have half of my things stowed away in my parents' attic cause I don't have room for them! I feel cramped up, and I'm sick of it. I need to check up on a couple of things first, like if I'm even allowed to sell just yet, and how much of a loan I might be able to take up, but if everything cheks out at least somewhat according to plan, then I'll probably put up an ad and state that I'm considering selling the place. Who knows? Maybe I'll get lucky.
Besides, it would be nice to already have a more decent place to live, with a bit more space, if I'm to keep working on another one of my future plans. It was supposed to stay a secret, but I have a big mouth, and so does a lot of the people I've told, so in the end I think pretty much everyone knows by now. I'm attempting to become pregnant. Let me tell you; it's not as easy as it sounds! I'm single, and I'm a lesbian, which means that I have to pay a whole lot of money to get that to happen, not to mention leave the country. They don't do artificial insemination here in Norway unless you're married, and even then you don't even get to pick the donor yourself. Me, I'm pretty much without options here, which is why I've paid a lot of money to go out of the country to try to have it done. Twice.
Last year it was Denmark, and that didn't succeed, and this year it was Israel, which didn't work out either. I don't even want to think about the amount of money I put in for both attempts, and the fact that I now have two failed attempts behind me isn't exactly doing wonders for my mood. It's depressing, cause this is my biggest wish, and has been ever since I was a little girl, but I just got to keep trying. And keep saving up money to afford the trying. It's not the actual insemination, nor the donor, that's expensive, but the actual trip there to get it done. That's the only thing stopping me from trying again right away.
It's stupid, you know? Any 16-year-old can go out, get drunk, and fuck some random idiot and become pregnant, and that's all good. She'll get the support she needs. But a 27-year-old lesbian woman who is willing to do almost anything to become a mother (aside from actually fucking a male), she's rejected. I have no rights, here in Norway. Fucked up logics are fucked up.
Yeah, I've had a lot to think about this weekend, and my thoughts just keep crashing with eachother.
I also spent the weekend watching all of season one of Dark Angel, which was a royal kick in the nostalgic behind. And, of course, I also took the time to take care of some things in the apartment and do some work, which is something I always do when I have a lot on my mind. I think best when I'm moving, so I've kept moving around in the apartment and tried to keep busy most of the weekend.
I've lost a lot of contact with my work over the past year, which is probably a side-effect of actually having a life, for once, but it's gotten to the point where it's bothering me. I've had an art block for years now, which has killed most of my art work, but that shouldn't have kept me from the rest of my work. I need to re-connect some of the things I've lost my connection to. I really can't live without my work. It's a part of who I am, and without it I am empty and have no will to exist. I suppose that's a pretty good reason to kick myself back into gear, and pick up my work again.
And, ah, there's a rather big and important anniversary coming up next month. The 11th of November, to be exact. It's nothing exciting for anyone else, as it's a rather personal thing, but it's big enough that I want to celebrate it. So, it's highly likely that I'll be busy that day.
Lastly, before I finish this rather long and chatty entry, I just want to mention that TODAY I learned that Matchbox Twenty came out with a new CD this year, and it's pretty good. I've been listening to it most of the day. So, I'll leave you all with my favourite song from that new CD of theirs, and I'll see you guys around. Toodles~
søndag 28. oktober 2012
søndag 14. oktober 2012
Me, myself and us
Okay, I'm going to take a moment to talk about a somewhat strange subject, so please forgive me for this random and somewhat weird rambling. If this has no interest to you, then just move along and ignore this entry, although you are more than welcome to stay and read it all if you like. It might just help you learn a few things.
I'm going to talk about Split Personalities.
Do you know anyone with a diagnose like that? Like an actual official diagnose. Someone who's one person one minute, and the next suddenly acts completely different and might even answer to an entirely different name. How do you handle someone like that? How do you manage to.. I don't know.. Keep up with it? And just generally have someone like that in your life? And how do you know if they're actually real, or not just faking it, wearing masks just to manipulate you?
First off, what is split personalities? In the movies, they show one very common version of some sweet and kind person that, without even knowing it, suddenly takes on an entirely different personality and name that is like the evil version of themselves, and they switch back and forth. You know, that typical one, like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. But is that how it really is? Or is that just extreme cases?
I mean, I can't really question the existence of such a, what do you call it? Diagnose? Illness? Condition? I don't know. Whatever you call it, there are known cases that has been confirmed by actual doctors up over the years. If one are to believe such things, that is. I've been googling it, trying to find more information about it.
"Split personality is sometimes used to describe the psychiatric diagnosis Dissociative identity disorder."
-says Wikipedia.
So I click on the link to read about Dissociative identity disorder, and Wikipedia says this-
"Dissociative identity disorder (DID), also known as multiple personality disorder, is a mental disorder characterized by at least two distinct and relatively enduring identities or dissociated personality states that alternately control a person's behavior, and is accompanied by memory impairment for important information not explained by ordinary forgetfulness."
"The number of alters varies widely, with most patients identifying fewer than ten, though as many as 4,500 have been reported. The average number of alters has increased over the past few decades, from two or three to now an average of approximately 16. The primary identity, which often has the patient's given name, tends to be "passive, dependent, guilty and depressed" with other personalities or "alters" being more active, aggressive or hostile, and often containing more complete memories. Most identities are of ordinary people, though fictional, mythical, celebrity and animal alters have also been reported."
"Most dissociative disorder cases have co-morbid mental disorders."
"The most common presenting complaint of DID is depression, with headaches being a common neurological symptom. Co-morbid disorders can include substance abuse, eating, anxiety, posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and personality disorders."
"DID is one of the most controversial psychiatric disorders with no clear consensus regarding its diagnosis or treatment."
Wikipedia has a lot to say about this.. Condition. You can read about it yourself, if you want to know more. There was a lot to go through there...
I found a medical page as well, since Wikipedia can only be trusted to a certain length, and it said this-
"Most of us have experienced mild dissociation, which is like daydreaming or getting lost in the moment while working on a project. However, dissociative identity disorder is a severe form of dissociation, a mental process, which produces a lack of connection in a person's thoughts, memories, feelings, actions, or sense of identity."
"Dissociative identity disorder is characterized by the presence of two or more distinct or split identities or personality states that continually have power over the person's behavior."
Again, there was a lot to read through, and I only picked a couple of things to quote, but if you want to know more you can read through the article yourself. It had a lot of interesting things to say.
I can spend hours and hours reading around the internet and in books about the subject, but I mostly find the same kind of information. It's a difficult condition, both to diagnose and to deal with, and most commonly it manifests as different "minds" inhabiting one body, if I can use such words. I also want to include an actual explanation of someone who has been diagnosed with split personalities, and how she experiences it by quoting some of the things she has said.
"I hear voices sometimes, I do. But mainly I feel them, inside me. It's confusing, cause sometimes I become aware of having lost several hours, or even days, where I have memory of doing things I know I normally wouldn't do, and that I am certain that I actually didn't do. Someone else did those things, using my physical self to do them, cause the physical memories are often there. It's like we all share a common memory bank where all the information is stored, and that we can all access, though we also have our personal and private memories that the others can't access. Yeah, I use the term 'we' a lot, but you have to understand that it's hard to think of myself as one after all these years of being several.
We see ourselves as different people, but we're all inside the same physical being, which complicates things. Sometimes we argue about who's the 'real' one and should be in control the most, while other times we co-operate and switch between us depending on the situation we're. We mostly get along somewhat well, though there are exceptions. There are some that should never, ever come to the surface, cause it will cause a disaster.
Take one of the things you're really, really afraid of. A stupid example; zombies. Imagine that zombies are actually real, and that you're really, really afraid of them. Then imagine that there's an actual zombie living inside you, and that it constantly threatens to come out and destroy you and everything you love. If you can imagine how it's like to walk around and be constantly afraid of something inside yourself, then maybe you can imagine some of the fears that I have.
I have to admit though... After all this time, I'm not really sure who 'I' am anymore."
This is a rather special case, and the therapist treating this has stated that this specific case of split personalities is somewhat unique, partly because the patient is aware of it, and at the same time it's not. It's complicated, mainly because the patient is still having a lot of trouble accepting this condition, and is constantly battling to be a 'normal' person with one identity, which in turn causes the patient to hide behind the mask of one made up identity to prevent others from seeing all the other real identities.
Why am I reading up on all this, and why am I making an entry about it for you to read?
Because I'm trying to accept who I am, and stop hiding behind my mask.
And because this is my reality.
I want to start this explanation off by asking you to read an entry I wrote to another blog of mine (you're welcome to read the rest of the blog too, if you're bored and got nothing else to do). I wrote this entry in January, as an explanation to how my life has been, psychologically. Here's the entry.
My reality is a complicated one. I am diagnosed with split personalities, among a lot of other difficult things. A tiny list of the main things I've been diagnosed with is as follows:
But yes, the main thing I am talking about in this specific entry is my split personality disorder, which is something I've been trying to keep hidden all my life, cause it's not a diagnose I'm proud of in any way, and it's something that is hard for people to deal with. I'm having a really hard time accepting this diagnose, and I keep trying to find some other explanation to things, while I'm also trying really hard to pretend that I'm normal. Because I have several different identities, they all tend to hide behind the mask of one made up identity, so that I can at least attempt to portray one specific self to those around me.
But if we are to take away that mask, and look at the real identities underneath, how can I explain what is there? Depending on who of us you ask, you'll probably get different answers. Who I am right now as I am typing this is the most common personality to come by (and also the main personality, at least from my point of view), and what I will tell you is that we're several 'main' personalities with a little extra on the side. The ones I consider to be the main personalities is me, and two other, and we choose to see ourselves as a triangle. We're the same person, but three different sides of that person, and all three of us agree on that. But even though we see ourselves as the same person, we do not like to be addressed as such. We like people to see us as separate people. Don't ask me why, cause I'm not sure why. But that's how it is.
Aside from us three, the triangle of main personalities, I can't really say much. We tend to disagree a lot on that subject, and because I don't want to cause an argument, I'm not going to go too much in on it. I'm just going to state my personal point of view, being that aside from the triangle you have a lot of different minds - or basically people/persons - sharing the same physical body, and just leave it at that. I know what a lot of the others would say about this, but since I'm the one currently writing this, I choose to just state my personal opinion.
But hey, if you want other opinions, just catch any of my other selves when they're around, and ask them.
I guess that what I'm trying to say with this entry, is basically to confess about my main problem that I've tried to keep hidden, and share it with you so you know. I don't expect you to understand, and it's okay that you don't accept it and don't want to deal with, as long as you can at least respect it and how hard it is for me to deal with it. And also, maybe, if you've caught me doing the shifting, this can perhaps explain it to you, so you're a little less confused.
I really don't know what else to say. If you still feel like you need to know more, you are more than welcome to ask me, or us, questions. We actually encourage that. Depending on who's around, you'll get different answers, as previously mentioned, but most of us are very open and will do our best to answer whatever question you might have. I really, really do wish that people can understand this, and maybe one day even accept it so that maybe I can learn myself to accept it and live with it.
And, if you actually did take your time to read all this, then I thank you from the bottom of my heart. It actually means more to me than you'll ever know.
I'm going to talk about Split Personalities.
Do you know anyone with a diagnose like that? Like an actual official diagnose. Someone who's one person one minute, and the next suddenly acts completely different and might even answer to an entirely different name. How do you handle someone like that? How do you manage to.. I don't know.. Keep up with it? And just generally have someone like that in your life? And how do you know if they're actually real, or not just faking it, wearing masks just to manipulate you?
First off, what is split personalities? In the movies, they show one very common version of some sweet and kind person that, without even knowing it, suddenly takes on an entirely different personality and name that is like the evil version of themselves, and they switch back and forth. You know, that typical one, like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. But is that how it really is? Or is that just extreme cases?
I mean, I can't really question the existence of such a, what do you call it? Diagnose? Illness? Condition? I don't know. Whatever you call it, there are known cases that has been confirmed by actual doctors up over the years. If one are to believe such things, that is. I've been googling it, trying to find more information about it.
"Split personality is sometimes used to describe the psychiatric diagnosis Dissociative identity disorder."
-says Wikipedia.
So I click on the link to read about Dissociative identity disorder, and Wikipedia says this-
"Dissociative identity disorder (DID), also known as multiple personality disorder, is a mental disorder characterized by at least two distinct and relatively enduring identities or dissociated personality states that alternately control a person's behavior, and is accompanied by memory impairment for important information not explained by ordinary forgetfulness."
"The number of alters varies widely, with most patients identifying fewer than ten, though as many as 4,500 have been reported. The average number of alters has increased over the past few decades, from two or three to now an average of approximately 16. The primary identity, which often has the patient's given name, tends to be "passive, dependent, guilty and depressed" with other personalities or "alters" being more active, aggressive or hostile, and often containing more complete memories. Most identities are of ordinary people, though fictional, mythical, celebrity and animal alters have also been reported."
"Most dissociative disorder cases have co-morbid mental disorders."
"The most common presenting complaint of DID is depression, with headaches being a common neurological symptom. Co-morbid disorders can include substance abuse, eating, anxiety, posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and personality disorders."
"DID is one of the most controversial psychiatric disorders with no clear consensus regarding its diagnosis or treatment."
Wikipedia has a lot to say about this.. Condition. You can read about it yourself, if you want to know more. There was a lot to go through there...
I found a medical page as well, since Wikipedia can only be trusted to a certain length, and it said this-
"Most of us have experienced mild dissociation, which is like daydreaming or getting lost in the moment while working on a project. However, dissociative identity disorder is a severe form of dissociation, a mental process, which produces a lack of connection in a person's thoughts, memories, feelings, actions, or sense of identity."
"Dissociative identity disorder is characterized by the presence of two or more distinct or split identities or personality states that continually have power over the person's behavior."
Again, there was a lot to read through, and I only picked a couple of things to quote, but if you want to know more you can read through the article yourself. It had a lot of interesting things to say.
I can spend hours and hours reading around the internet and in books about the subject, but I mostly find the same kind of information. It's a difficult condition, both to diagnose and to deal with, and most commonly it manifests as different "minds" inhabiting one body, if I can use such words. I also want to include an actual explanation of someone who has been diagnosed with split personalities, and how she experiences it by quoting some of the things she has said.
"I hear voices sometimes, I do. But mainly I feel them, inside me. It's confusing, cause sometimes I become aware of having lost several hours, or even days, where I have memory of doing things I know I normally wouldn't do, and that I am certain that I actually didn't do. Someone else did those things, using my physical self to do them, cause the physical memories are often there. It's like we all share a common memory bank where all the information is stored, and that we can all access, though we also have our personal and private memories that the others can't access. Yeah, I use the term 'we' a lot, but you have to understand that it's hard to think of myself as one after all these years of being several.
We see ourselves as different people, but we're all inside the same physical being, which complicates things. Sometimes we argue about who's the 'real' one and should be in control the most, while other times we co-operate and switch between us depending on the situation we're. We mostly get along somewhat well, though there are exceptions. There are some that should never, ever come to the surface, cause it will cause a disaster.
Take one of the things you're really, really afraid of. A stupid example; zombies. Imagine that zombies are actually real, and that you're really, really afraid of them. Then imagine that there's an actual zombie living inside you, and that it constantly threatens to come out and destroy you and everything you love. If you can imagine how it's like to walk around and be constantly afraid of something inside yourself, then maybe you can imagine some of the fears that I have.
I have to admit though... After all this time, I'm not really sure who 'I' am anymore."
This is a rather special case, and the therapist treating this has stated that this specific case of split personalities is somewhat unique, partly because the patient is aware of it, and at the same time it's not. It's complicated, mainly because the patient is still having a lot of trouble accepting this condition, and is constantly battling to be a 'normal' person with one identity, which in turn causes the patient to hide behind the mask of one made up identity to prevent others from seeing all the other real identities.
Why am I reading up on all this, and why am I making an entry about it for you to read?
Because I'm trying to accept who I am, and stop hiding behind my mask.
And because this is my reality.
I want to start this explanation off by asking you to read an entry I wrote to another blog of mine (you're welcome to read the rest of the blog too, if you're bored and got nothing else to do). I wrote this entry in January, as an explanation to how my life has been, psychologically. Here's the entry.
My reality is a complicated one. I am diagnosed with split personalities, among a lot of other difficult things. A tiny list of the main things I've been diagnosed with is as follows:
- Split Personalities
- General Anxious Personality Disorder
- Depression and Anxiety
- Avoidant Personality Disorder
- Dependent Personality Disorder
But yes, the main thing I am talking about in this specific entry is my split personality disorder, which is something I've been trying to keep hidden all my life, cause it's not a diagnose I'm proud of in any way, and it's something that is hard for people to deal with. I'm having a really hard time accepting this diagnose, and I keep trying to find some other explanation to things, while I'm also trying really hard to pretend that I'm normal. Because I have several different identities, they all tend to hide behind the mask of one made up identity, so that I can at least attempt to portray one specific self to those around me.
But if we are to take away that mask, and look at the real identities underneath, how can I explain what is there? Depending on who of us you ask, you'll probably get different answers. Who I am right now as I am typing this is the most common personality to come by (and also the main personality, at least from my point of view), and what I will tell you is that we're several 'main' personalities with a little extra on the side. The ones I consider to be the main personalities is me, and two other, and we choose to see ourselves as a triangle. We're the same person, but three different sides of that person, and all three of us agree on that. But even though we see ourselves as the same person, we do not like to be addressed as such. We like people to see us as separate people. Don't ask me why, cause I'm not sure why. But that's how it is.
Aside from us three, the triangle of main personalities, I can't really say much. We tend to disagree a lot on that subject, and because I don't want to cause an argument, I'm not going to go too much in on it. I'm just going to state my personal point of view, being that aside from the triangle you have a lot of different minds - or basically people/persons - sharing the same physical body, and just leave it at that. I know what a lot of the others would say about this, but since I'm the one currently writing this, I choose to just state my personal opinion.
But hey, if you want other opinions, just catch any of my other selves when they're around, and ask them.
I guess that what I'm trying to say with this entry, is basically to confess about my main problem that I've tried to keep hidden, and share it with you so you know. I don't expect you to understand, and it's okay that you don't accept it and don't want to deal with, as long as you can at least respect it and how hard it is for me to deal with it. And also, maybe, if you've caught me doing the shifting, this can perhaps explain it to you, so you're a little less confused.
I really don't know what else to say. If you still feel like you need to know more, you are more than welcome to ask me, or us, questions. We actually encourage that. Depending on who's around, you'll get different answers, as previously mentioned, but most of us are very open and will do our best to answer whatever question you might have. I really, really do wish that people can understand this, and maybe one day even accept it so that maybe I can learn myself to accept it and live with it.
And, if you actually did take your time to read all this, then I thank you from the bottom of my heart. It actually means more to me than you'll ever know.
lørdag 6. oktober 2012
Icon, Updates and Ramblings
OH HAI DER~ Come on in, sit down, and have some updates.
So, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday I attended Icon, which is a convention held in Tel Aviv here in Israel, and I got to try out my first proper cosplay. Icon was bloody amazing~ I had such a brilliant time, and got to meet so many amazing people and make new friends, and 'm pretty sure my cosplay was a success. For you curious peeps out there that weren't at the con and want to see it, here you are:
Check my deviantArt to see the full-size version of that picture, thank you~
The day after the last con day, Friday, I woke up and realized that I am completely and utterly exhausted, both physically and mentally. Also, I woke up to a text from my biological father saying that he had put a rose down for me on my grandfather's grave, which reminded me that it was his funeral and I wasn't there to attend it. Kind of put a bit of a damper on my day, that. So, I decided to just take the rest of the day to myself and do nothing but work, and try to shut out the world a bit. I think I needed that. Would you believe me if I told you that the anti-social creature that is me has not had a single day to herself for 3 months now? I know, it's crazy. I'm so used to being alone all the time, so the fact that I've been surrounded by people almost 24-7 so long is just insane. Just for that alone, I'm looking forward to going home to Norway so I can retreat to my apartment and just relax for a while. Do some anti-social gaming nights and such and just have some me-time. It's a good plan.
But aside from that (and the fact that I miss my friends and family horribly much, since I haven't seen them in 2 months now), I have to say I'm really sad about leaving Israel. I really like it here, and I've met such awesome people that I've befriended, and the thought of leaving them all is heartbreaking. I honestly don't want to think about it, cause it's kind of depressing. ;_; But, hopefully I'll come back here and meet everyone again sometime in a not too distant future. Everyone wants me to come back next year, but I'll have to wait and see what happens. I got more traveling plans, along with some private plans, so I'm not sure if I have the time nor the money to come back to Israel as soon as next year. Maybe the year after that...?
So, what else can I say?
I don't know. My head is in a bit of a blur again, and I'm in a weird mood. And I keep getting that strange feeling of being called for, which is strange cause I haven't felt that in quite a while. Okay, yeah, time-out, sorry. For those new readers who don't know, I tend to hear, see and sense things that a lot of other people don't, and every now and then I "hear" things from.. I don't even know where. I just know that it's not here, in the physical realm as we know it. Most of the time I tend to just put it all on hold and focus on the world around me (cause I'm stupid like that), but every now and then I have periods where I can't block it out. And I guess I'm heading into one of those periods again, cause I swear I keep feeling like someone is calling for me. Maybe this is a good period to start doing card readings again? Hmm....
Art wise my muse kind of disappeared again. Not entirely out of my art block yet, but at least I've started working again on my own projects to make up for the lack of art making. I'm extremely active on GaiaOnline again, and my art request there is slowly starting to blossom. AND! I'm saving up to host another art contest there, so if you're a member then you should stalk me. I mean, look me up and make contact? Yeah, something like that. My name there is KeyJester, as it is on most places, so don't be afraid to say hi.
Aaaand.. Yeah. That's it for now, I suppose. So, as a closure to this entry, listen to this awesome song that I've had on repeat while writing this, and have a great day/night/whatever~
So, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday I attended Icon, which is a convention held in Tel Aviv here in Israel, and I got to try out my first proper cosplay. Icon was bloody amazing~ I had such a brilliant time, and got to meet so many amazing people and make new friends, and 'm pretty sure my cosplay was a success. For you curious peeps out there that weren't at the con and want to see it, here you are:
Check my deviantArt to see the full-size version of that picture, thank you~
The day after the last con day, Friday, I woke up and realized that I am completely and utterly exhausted, both physically and mentally. Also, I woke up to a text from my biological father saying that he had put a rose down for me on my grandfather's grave, which reminded me that it was his funeral and I wasn't there to attend it. Kind of put a bit of a damper on my day, that. So, I decided to just take the rest of the day to myself and do nothing but work, and try to shut out the world a bit. I think I needed that. Would you believe me if I told you that the anti-social creature that is me has not had a single day to herself for 3 months now? I know, it's crazy. I'm so used to being alone all the time, so the fact that I've been surrounded by people almost 24-7 so long is just insane. Just for that alone, I'm looking forward to going home to Norway so I can retreat to my apartment and just relax for a while. Do some anti-social gaming nights and such and just have some me-time. It's a good plan.
But aside from that (and the fact that I miss my friends and family horribly much, since I haven't seen them in 2 months now), I have to say I'm really sad about leaving Israel. I really like it here, and I've met such awesome people that I've befriended, and the thought of leaving them all is heartbreaking. I honestly don't want to think about it, cause it's kind of depressing. ;_; But, hopefully I'll come back here and meet everyone again sometime in a not too distant future. Everyone wants me to come back next year, but I'll have to wait and see what happens. I got more traveling plans, along with some private plans, so I'm not sure if I have the time nor the money to come back to Israel as soon as next year. Maybe the year after that...?
So, what else can I say?
I don't know. My head is in a bit of a blur again, and I'm in a weird mood. And I keep getting that strange feeling of being called for, which is strange cause I haven't felt that in quite a while. Okay, yeah, time-out, sorry. For those new readers who don't know, I tend to hear, see and sense things that a lot of other people don't, and every now and then I "hear" things from.. I don't even know where. I just know that it's not here, in the physical realm as we know it. Most of the time I tend to just put it all on hold and focus on the world around me (cause I'm stupid like that), but every now and then I have periods where I can't block it out. And I guess I'm heading into one of those periods again, cause I swear I keep feeling like someone is calling for me. Maybe this is a good period to start doing card readings again? Hmm....
Art wise my muse kind of disappeared again. Not entirely out of my art block yet, but at least I've started working again on my own projects to make up for the lack of art making. I'm extremely active on GaiaOnline again, and my art request there is slowly starting to blossom. AND! I'm saving up to host another art contest there, so if you're a member then you should stalk me. I mean, look me up and make contact? Yeah, something like that. My name there is KeyJester, as it is on most places, so don't be afraid to say hi.
Aaaand.. Yeah. That's it for now, I suppose. So, as a closure to this entry, listen to this awesome song that I've had on repeat while writing this, and have a great day/night/whatever~
mandag 1. oktober 2012
Israel + BrainThingsInMyHead
Life just made a funny, but I don't know on whose behalf.
Should I be laughing?
I laugh at you, for all the things you're missing out on.
I see you're being swallowed by your mistakes, but you don't even notice.
I'm glad you don't know what you're missing.
Even someone as heartless as you, would cry if you only knew..
Don't even ask. A creature visited me last night and kept me from sleeping, whispering strange things into my ear. I'm not sure she completely left, but whatever.
That aside! Wow. It's been ages since my last update. I do feel kind of ashamed, I do, but only kind of. I've been busy, and life's been hectic. Oh, and I'm in Israel. *w* I've been here for almost two months now! And there's only a little over two weeks left until I go back to Norway. So, I figured this would be a good time to give you all some updates~
First off, Israel!
Wow, what can I say? Israel is amazing! It's warm and sunny and nice, and the people here are really awesome. And I would just like to say that the general image the rest of the world has of this country is completely ridicules. People here aren't evil, or blowing things up, or waging war. That's just media bullshit. Yeah, I see a lot of soldiers and police people walking around with large guns, but it's all to make sure people are safe. All in all, this place is a quiet and nice place. People may be rude towards eachother a lot, cause the Israeli are temperamental creatures, and they yell at eachother and cut in line. But their guests? The people visiting the country - tourists, like me - are treated almost as royal! They're all so kind to me, helping me with anything and everything, and always wanting to know more about me. It's really nice. ^^
And, omg, I've seen so many amazing things. I've been to the ocean down in the south, beside the borders to Jordan and Egypt, and spent a weekend at an amazing hotel. And I've out in the desert in the middle of the night, watching a meteor shower. I've seen Jerusalem, Tel Aviv, and many other small places. And, wow, I've met so many amazing people! I have to admit, I'm kind of not looking forward to going home and leaving this amazing place.
Some of my plans for this trip didn't quite go as planned, but that's okay. I've had such an amazing time here that it's all worth it, and I'll never regret taking this trip. And I'll definitely come back here! I'll do my best to enjoy my last couple of weeks, by going to a gaming convention, desert camping, visiting the old city, and whatever else we have time for. It'll be awesome.
I think everyone should take a trip down here and see the wonders of Israel~
Then, there's the BrainThingsInMyHead.
Yeah, I have a lot on my mind again. I'm having an amazing vacation, but that doesn't really spare me the occasional worries and troubles that appear. They come and go, and leave heavy thoughts in the corner of my mind, and a headache.
My life right now is right where I want it to be. I haven't been this healthy in years, and I'm surrounded by amazing friends and loved ones, and I have most things I could wish for. I feel really lucky to be where I am today. But as people keep pointing out, there's still room for improvement. Mainly, I need to cut some chains that bind me, and finally rid my life of certain people that poisons me and my life. Which is anything but easy, but I know they're all right when they tell me I need to do it.
First and foremost, the main problem is my biological father. We've had a bad relationship for as long as I can remember, as he is the main cause for why I've been so sick all my life. He's a difficult man, and he troubles me... My doctor has more or less ordered me to remove him from my life, cause he makes me sick, but I've never had the courage to. Then, soon after I arrived here in Israel, I was told of some bad things he had said about me, and I figured that this was it. I did the most common thing people do these days when they want to "remove" people from their life, and deleted him from my facebook. It's a stupid and meaningless thing to do, yet it made me feel a bit better.
Then he tried to call me a while back. Now, since I can't answer the phone while I'm here, I ignored it, but I was left a wreck the rest of the day. Then I learn from my mum that my grandfather was on his deathbed, so that's why my father tried to call me. I texted him then, telling him I couldn't answer my phone, but that I knew what was going on and that I was sorry. And he replied that he hoped everything was well with me. And, wow, that of all things made me cry. Somehow, it's easier to deal with him when he's being an asshole and I can just shut him out, but when he's being nice and caring, it just breaks my heart to push him away. I'm such a softie...
And now my grandfather is dead. Which was harder to deal with than I thought. It actually made me cry. And I do feel very sorry for my father, cause I know it's hard for him, and I do love him, but I still don't want to deal with him. I'm not sure what to do with it all...
Also, I have someone else on my facebook that I shouldn't have on my friendlist, namely my ex. I don't get any news feeds, cause I've shut off that option, but still... I just have a hard time letting go, I guess. It's not that I want her back in my life again, cause I can't forgive how she treated me and how she hurt me. Not this time. But I've been holding on to the old memories by having her there, cause I still care for her and hope she's doing well.
But I suppose it's time I deleted her as well. Everyone keeps telling me to, cause they tell me she's poison for me. That she's a psychopath that has done nothing but manipulate and use me. I don't completely agree with them, but I'm not blind anymore and I can see that she hasn't been good for me. I gave her everything, and hardly got anything in return. She kept me on the fence, never letting me go while never really letting me close either. And I don't have anything to give her anymore. She emptied me, and I don't want to return to that place again. I'll always love her, that I will not lie about, but I suppose I just need to try and turn my back on her and everything surrounding her, and just forget.
I need to learn not to keep loving those who doesn't deserve my love.
Aaaand, I suppose I should face the parts of my family that I don't want to face as well, and deal with all the crap there. I've been ignoring the parts of my family that hurts me for a long time now, but it's probably time I stopped running and just faced it all. Which is something I'll do when I come back home again.
I guess I have a lot to do when I come back home.
But, in the end, I'm sure it'll all turn out just fine. I've got some pretty awesome guardians taking care of me, and I'm surrounded by amazing friends, and a loving family, so how could it not? And it's important to never forget; whatever happens, happens for a reason. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be, and it'll happen no matter what. What's not to be, won't ever be, no matter what you do. So, why worry?
Just be yourself, and be happy~
Should I be laughing?
I laugh at you, for all the things you're missing out on.
I see you're being swallowed by your mistakes, but you don't even notice.
I'm glad you don't know what you're missing.
Even someone as heartless as you, would cry if you only knew..
Don't even ask. A creature visited me last night and kept me from sleeping, whispering strange things into my ear. I'm not sure she completely left, but whatever.
That aside! Wow. It's been ages since my last update. I do feel kind of ashamed, I do, but only kind of. I've been busy, and life's been hectic. Oh, and I'm in Israel. *w* I've been here for almost two months now! And there's only a little over two weeks left until I go back to Norway. So, I figured this would be a good time to give you all some updates~
First off, Israel!
Wow, what can I say? Israel is amazing! It's warm and sunny and nice, and the people here are really awesome. And I would just like to say that the general image the rest of the world has of this country is completely ridicules. People here aren't evil, or blowing things up, or waging war. That's just media bullshit. Yeah, I see a lot of soldiers and police people walking around with large guns, but it's all to make sure people are safe. All in all, this place is a quiet and nice place. People may be rude towards eachother a lot, cause the Israeli are temperamental creatures, and they yell at eachother and cut in line. But their guests? The people visiting the country - tourists, like me - are treated almost as royal! They're all so kind to me, helping me with anything and everything, and always wanting to know more about me. It's really nice. ^^
And, omg, I've seen so many amazing things. I've been to the ocean down in the south, beside the borders to Jordan and Egypt, and spent a weekend at an amazing hotel. And I've out in the desert in the middle of the night, watching a meteor shower. I've seen Jerusalem, Tel Aviv, and many other small places. And, wow, I've met so many amazing people! I have to admit, I'm kind of not looking forward to going home and leaving this amazing place.
Some of my plans for this trip didn't quite go as planned, but that's okay. I've had such an amazing time here that it's all worth it, and I'll never regret taking this trip. And I'll definitely come back here! I'll do my best to enjoy my last couple of weeks, by going to a gaming convention, desert camping, visiting the old city, and whatever else we have time for. It'll be awesome.
I think everyone should take a trip down here and see the wonders of Israel~
Then, there's the BrainThingsInMyHead.
Yeah, I have a lot on my mind again. I'm having an amazing vacation, but that doesn't really spare me the occasional worries and troubles that appear. They come and go, and leave heavy thoughts in the corner of my mind, and a headache.
My life right now is right where I want it to be. I haven't been this healthy in years, and I'm surrounded by amazing friends and loved ones, and I have most things I could wish for. I feel really lucky to be where I am today. But as people keep pointing out, there's still room for improvement. Mainly, I need to cut some chains that bind me, and finally rid my life of certain people that poisons me and my life. Which is anything but easy, but I know they're all right when they tell me I need to do it.
First and foremost, the main problem is my biological father. We've had a bad relationship for as long as I can remember, as he is the main cause for why I've been so sick all my life. He's a difficult man, and he troubles me... My doctor has more or less ordered me to remove him from my life, cause he makes me sick, but I've never had the courage to. Then, soon after I arrived here in Israel, I was told of some bad things he had said about me, and I figured that this was it. I did the most common thing people do these days when they want to "remove" people from their life, and deleted him from my facebook. It's a stupid and meaningless thing to do, yet it made me feel a bit better.
Then he tried to call me a while back. Now, since I can't answer the phone while I'm here, I ignored it, but I was left a wreck the rest of the day. Then I learn from my mum that my grandfather was on his deathbed, so that's why my father tried to call me. I texted him then, telling him I couldn't answer my phone, but that I knew what was going on and that I was sorry. And he replied that he hoped everything was well with me. And, wow, that of all things made me cry. Somehow, it's easier to deal with him when he's being an asshole and I can just shut him out, but when he's being nice and caring, it just breaks my heart to push him away. I'm such a softie...
And now my grandfather is dead. Which was harder to deal with than I thought. It actually made me cry. And I do feel very sorry for my father, cause I know it's hard for him, and I do love him, but I still don't want to deal with him. I'm not sure what to do with it all...
Also, I have someone else on my facebook that I shouldn't have on my friendlist, namely my ex. I don't get any news feeds, cause I've shut off that option, but still... I just have a hard time letting go, I guess. It's not that I want her back in my life again, cause I can't forgive how she treated me and how she hurt me. Not this time. But I've been holding on to the old memories by having her there, cause I still care for her and hope she's doing well.
But I suppose it's time I deleted her as well. Everyone keeps telling me to, cause they tell me she's poison for me. That she's a psychopath that has done nothing but manipulate and use me. I don't completely agree with them, but I'm not blind anymore and I can see that she hasn't been good for me. I gave her everything, and hardly got anything in return. She kept me on the fence, never letting me go while never really letting me close either. And I don't have anything to give her anymore. She emptied me, and I don't want to return to that place again. I'll always love her, that I will not lie about, but I suppose I just need to try and turn my back on her and everything surrounding her, and just forget.
I need to learn not to keep loving those who doesn't deserve my love.
Aaaand, I suppose I should face the parts of my family that I don't want to face as well, and deal with all the crap there. I've been ignoring the parts of my family that hurts me for a long time now, but it's probably time I stopped running and just faced it all. Which is something I'll do when I come back home again.
I guess I have a lot to do when I come back home.
But, in the end, I'm sure it'll all turn out just fine. I've got some pretty awesome guardians taking care of me, and I'm surrounded by amazing friends, and a loving family, so how could it not? And it's important to never forget; whatever happens, happens for a reason. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be, and it'll happen no matter what. What's not to be, won't ever be, no matter what you do. So, why worry?
Just be yourself, and be happy~
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