I really don't know if I'll have time to write anything later this month, cause I'm really busy these days, and in that case I'll be writing my final goodbye to the year 2012 in this entry right here.
It's been a long and strange year, filled with changes that I never dreamt would happen, and new experiences I never could've predicted. First and foremost, I can actually see just how much I've changed myself over this past year. Sometimes I stop whatever it is I'm doing, and it's as if I walk outside of myself, and I look at me and see someone else. I don't see the person that I once used to be. She truly did die last year, and the person who replaced her has spent this entire year developing and becoming who I am today. And we're not even close to being the same person.
You know what? I don't even miss her. That person that I used to be. She's gone, and I'm glad. She was a nice mask to hide behind, and I'm grateful for all the things she did for me, but in the end she did more harm than good, and it feels great to finally be rid of her so I can allow this new person to finally step out and show the world her existence. Because she's who I really am, who I've always been, deep inside, and now I can finally be that person. I am home within myself. I'm me.
So now I am saying my final goodbye to that person that once used to be me, and her ghost. After a whole year of working with myself, I can finally say that that old person is now completely gone, and not even her ghost remain. I'm free.
There are a lot of things in my life that I am saying goodbye to now. My old apartment is one, though it's a rather slow process. I just put it up for sale, and I am hoping to get it sold either by the end of the year, or sometime in January, so I can buy a new place. I feel like the old apartment still holds traces of old things that I no longer have in my life, along with traces of that person that used to be me, and I'd like to start over someplace new. And preferably someplace bigger. So I really do hope I can say my final goodbyes to my old home as soon as possible, so I can finally put that chapter behind me.
It's kind of stressful, trying to sell my apartment, especially since we're so close to x-mas and it's difficult to get things done these days, and I can feel that the stress wants to chew on me and drain me. I'm tired, but in the end I'm thinking that it's worth it, and that I'm making the right choice.
I just know there is a new home out there for me, and now I'm ready for it.
I'm saying goodbye to a lot of my problems as well. I am finally declared as well as I can be, and next week I'll have my last appointment with my psychologist. I'm saying goodbye to her now.
It's really strange, cause I've been seeing her for a while, and I've been seeing psychologists in general almost my entire life. It's no secret that I've been extremely sick most of my life. My depression and anxiety have been the two most well known issues that I've struggled with ever since I was a little girl, and I've been on medications for both several times. All my other problems, like the personality disorders that I'm born with and can't be "cured" of, and the psychosis I've had in periods, are less known, yet some of the worst things I've ever had to deal with. There are periods in my life where I've been sitting in a corner in my own home, alone, seeing things coming out of the walls to get me, and hearing voices in my head talking to me 24/7. I can joke about it now, but back then I was so crazy that it's a mircle that I'm alive today.
Today, I am officially declared cured of both my depression and my anxiety. Not through the use of medication, but purely by my own will alone, and that I am immensely proud of. My psychosis are gone, I've stopped seeing and hearing things, and I've learned to deal with my personality disorders to a point where I hardly notice them anymore. I am okay. Better than what I've ever been in my entire life, and I can finally stand on my own two feet and say that I am well. I can finally say goodbye to the worst of my psychological problems, and almost feel like an ordinary person for once.
I don't think I can ever explain to anyone how much that means to me.
As for saying goodbye to people, I've done that as well this year. Still haven't completely worked out things when it comes to my biological father, but as things stand now I've dropped all contact with him and more or less said goodbye to him. My doctor clearly told me that I need to cut the people that hurt me out of my life for good, and I am finally at a point in my life where I can actually listen to her and do it. There are still things I need to work out, and hopefully I'll get that done before the end of the year.
Another person I'm saying a final goodbye to is my ex. Things has just gotten to the point where I realize I'm wasting my time trying to be open for giving her another chance. She asked me for a meeting, and I canceled a day of appointments for that and sent her a text telling her when and where I could meet her. And even though she didn't even bother answering my text, I went there and waited for her. A complete waste of time, apparently. I chose to just ignore it, but then the other day she texted me, and she made it clear to me where she stands with the things she said, so I told her we're through. It was a final goodbye.
It's painful, cause she used to be my everything. I truly loved her with my entire being, and I put all of my trust in her. People warned me about her for years, telling me how bad she was and that she was only using me, and I've lost count of all the times I've gotten into arguements about her. Everyone else hated her, and I used all my energy defending her while trying to keep it a secret from her so she wouldn't get hurt by the fact that her own friends were talking trash about her behind her back. I though that they only hated her cause they didn't see the real her like I did. They didn't see how wonderful she could be, when it was just the two of us, and how much love she showed me. I didn't even dream that the love she gave me could be fake. I believed her when she told me she loved me. I stayed by her side as a friend, and as a lover, because I believed her and loved her, and she made me think she wanted me.
I should've known better, but I used to be a very naive person, and I actually trusted her 100% despite what everyone else around me said. She betrayed that trust, and hurt me both as a lover and a friend, and then tossed me away. And the fact that she now can't even aknowledge that she did something wrong, makes me think that it's not worth forgiving her. It's clear that I never meant as much to her, as she did to me, and I just can't allow myself to be hurt anymore. It's just time to move on, and say goodbye to what used to be between me and her.
All in all, I've said goodbye to a lot of things this year, not just myself, and I believe it has completely turned my life around to something entirely different. And something entirely new. The goal I set for myself for 2012, about finding myself and finally getting my life on the right track, and using this year for MY sake, is a goal I've managed to reach. I've completed my quest, and I just know that the new year will be the year where I get to enjoy the rewards for completing it. We're soon saying goodbye to 2012, and as we welcome the new year, I will be starting my life anew. It's a metaphorical rebirth, and I just know that the new year will bring new beginnings and exciting things for me. 2013 is the year where I'll finally start living for real. And I'll start living for ME.
