I'm definitely going through a rather bad period in my life in many ways, and right now I'm not entirely sure if I'm still dying or just going through the rebirth pains. All I know is that somehow, somewhere, something inside me died and left me with a strange and empty feeling.
It'll probably pass, and I'll be fine. Eventually.
It's just painful being in the middle of it.
I'm a month and a half away from turning 27 now, and I'm not dealing all that great with that. I've always had issues with growing older, so every time my birthday comes sneaking up on me I start freaking out. Usually I start a week or so before it's here, but this time I'm starting early for some reason. I can hardly think of anything else, and it sends a chill down my spine every time I think about it. 27. In less than two months, I'm only 3 years away from 30. And truth be told, I don't want to be. Turning 26 was bad enough, and thanks to my anxiety and several other things, that entire birthday turned out to be one of the worst I've celebrated so far. I just wish I could forget it, but the memory of it still has its claws around my brain. It's unpleasant...
I've heard people talk about how things are as they've gotten older. One person who just passed 50 told me that it felt as though life was over, and asked if this was it. People older than that have told me similar things. As I'm closing in on 27, I'm feeling the same. I know it's ridicules, and that 27 is nothing when it comes to age, but that doesn't stop the thoughts or the awful feeling. I'm old, and the things I loved are all gone. What is left for me now?
I'm even seeing it in the mirror. I've tried to ignore it, but the other day I saw it so clearly that it made me choke. I was celebrating my sister's birthday and was at a party, having a good time, when I looked in the mirror and saw an old woman. I just froze. It was not a pleasant sight, and it was hard to swallow it and pretend like nothing as I sat there with all the younglings. I drank more than I should've that night, but I needed to get things out of my head. I needed to make it go away.
I don't want to grow old.
The people I know, my friends and loved ones, they're all younger than me. People I'm attracted to seems to be out of my range when it comes to age. I'm too old for them. And when I do look at people my own age, I see them all settled down. They have jobs, houses, are married or in serious relationships, and they have kids... So what am I, compared to them? Old, worthless and alone. At least that is how I feel these days. It's probably just a phase, but it's still painful. And I hate it.
Sometimes I really don't like my own sexuality either. I've struggled with it for years, really, but these days I'm really not dealing so well with it. I wish with all my heart that I wasn't a lesbian. Things would've been easier if I hadn't been...
I've known all my life that I wasn't straight. Ever since I was 5 years old, actually. It has just been a fact. Even the first person I ever had sex with was a girl. But I've tried all my life to be bisexual. To be able to choose from both worlds. I've forced myself to be something I'm not, cause things would've been easier that way. At least in my mind. But in the end, I only caused myself a lot of pain, and I eventually just had to accept the fact that I'm a lesbian. And for a long time I was pleased with that and proud of my sexuality. Now... I'm definitely going through a bad period, cause I am having some serious issues with being a lesbian.
I kind of hate it. I hate my own sexuality. I hate the limitations of it. I hate how it complicates things and makes me feel lonely. And I hate the way I love because of it... I spent the last two years praying that the girl I love would someday love me enough to be with me, only to be left standing alone with nothing but pain and hopelessness. I was blinded by that love, and all I could ever see was her. I could pretend to see other things and people, but in truth she was the only thing I ever had on my mind. It was almost like an obsession. And a painful one at that.
And now I see nothing. I only see that I'm alone, and that I don't want to be. But, again, my sexuality complicates things. There aren't many lesbians around here, and the few there are are taken. And the bisexual ones are taken too, mostly by men. And truth be told, I never want to date someone bisexual again. I've experienced it far too many times that the girl I like go for some guy instead, and that is just too painful. How can I ever compete with a guy? Especially when it comes to sex. To be honest, I'm pretty hopeless in bed. I have no confidence, and I'm too shy. I always fear that I won't be able to please her, so I end up failing in the end. I got told once that I was a "sex goddess" and it has got to be the most amazing compliment anyone has ever given me. It warmed me to my core, and I'll never forget it for as long as I live. But the only reason I managed to please was because the person I was with made me feel confident and safe. I actually dared do my best... No one else have made me feel so safe.
Things would've been easier if I had been straight. Or at least bisexual. Men may not be beautiful, but they're simple. Easy to please. Especially in bed... And there's more than enough of them to choose from around here.
I hate being a lesbian.
I feel like I'm living on lies. I keep telling people this or that, small lies here and there, to keep them from worrying about me. I'm almost at a point where I'm not sure what's true and what's not. I told myself a while back that I wouldn't do that, not anymore. I'd be honest and tell people what I thought and felt, and not keep things to myself. But I guess that was just another lie. I'm good with those. The lies I tell myself. I tell them every day, every time I see my own reflection. I keep repeating the lies until they become a solid truth I can live by. And that's how I exist.
I don't lie that much to other people, really. I just tell them I'm okay when I'm not. It's all just to keep them from worrying. It's the lies I tell myself that are the worst ones. I can't even tell if they're lies anymore. And it's getting harder and harder to find those small moments of truth where I can sit down and actually trust myself and the things I think, say and do.
I'm pretty hopeless.
Why do I do this? Why do I tell myself these lies? Is it to hurt myself, or to protect myself? I don't know anymore. Whenever I stop to think about it, my head hurts. And I get even more confused. So I try not to think about it. I try to focus on other things, and I tell myself that this feeling of hopelessness will somehow disappear and I'll feel better. Just another lie to myself. What difference does one drop make, when I've already got an ocean?
Can anyone ever save me from me? Silly question, but it has haunted my mind for years. I want to be saved. To be taken away from myself. But in the end, I know it'll never happen. No one will come rescue me. And can one be rescued from oneself anyway? I really don't know anymore. I'm going in circles within my own mind, and even though I'm pretending to be okay on the outside, it's all coming down and falling apart on the inside. Not even a needle and a thread is enough to fix this doll.
But, it's all just a bad phase I'm going through, right? In the end, I'll get back on my feet, save myself, and move on with my life, stronger than before. Right? If this doesn't kill me, it has to make me stronger. That's the rule! Or am I just telling myself more lies?
In the end, can I save myself?
mandag 28. november 2011
tirsdag 22. november 2011
Loss
Sometimes I wish I was cold and emotionless, cause maybe then loss wouldn't affect me so...
I've lost a lot of things lately, and it has taken its toll on me. I'm tired now. Really tired. And most parts of me just want to give up on everything, cause I don't know how much more I can take. There have been so much crap lately, and losing things is something I've never really been any good at dealing with, so I'm more or less at the end of my rope soon.
The worst was losing something before I even gained it. It's been almost 3 months now, and it still hurts. It stings inside me whenever I think of it, and just walking passed someone in town that reminds me makes me bite my lip so I don't start to cry in public. When I'm at home, I cry whenever I see a commercial on TV that reminds me. I don't talk about it to anyone though. Not even my closest. I just keep it all inside me, and I grieve all on my own. Every day. No one even knows why this is so painful to me. The only person I ever told, is now lost to me as well.
That was pain on another level. Just a month or so after, I lose the most precious I had in my life, and in such an ugly way too. The bitter aftertaste of being kicked away like I'm worthless is only clouded by the pain of the loss. Though the pain of losing something before even gaining it is worse than this, at least I know that pain will eventually fade over time and it'll get better. This pain, however, will stay just as strong for the rest of my life, and that I know from experience. I've lost something precious like this before, and not a single day went by without me thinking about it. It nearly drove me insane back then... So yeah, I know that this pain will be with me for as long as I'll live, and it's not a pleasant thought.
The two things I wanted and needed the most is not in my life, and I don't know how to even begin to handle that. But I've tried! I've really tried! I've boxed away my feelings and tried to ignore all the pain and just crawl back on my feet and keep walking. It was tough, but I thought I was going to make it. And then I have to face the possibility that I'll lose even more. I mean, right now, I don't think I'd be able to handle the loss of a pet even, cause that's how hard I'm struggling to keep it together, so the thought of losing a family member... It kind of felt like the last drop.
I got the text message on saturday, when I was out drinking (drunk as a pineapple and beyond, I was), telling me that he was at the hospital again and that they don't think he'll live until x-mas. My night out ended, to put it in a nice way. It was the last drop that made me break down, and if it hadn't been for all the amazing and wonderful people around me that took care of me and gave me warm words and comfort when I needed it, and even got me home, then I don't know what would've happened. It could've gotten ugly, drunk as I was and with such bad news to digest on top of everything else.
I knew he had been sick, but I thought - stupid as I am - that they'd fix it. That he'd get better. I really should've known better. Brain tumour. Agressive. And they can't remove it. And then his heart threatened to give in under the strain of it all, so that's why he ended up in the hospital again. I went to see him on Sunday, hung over and sad, and I had to bite my own lip so hard during the visit to keep from crying, that it went numb in the end. I didn't think it would affect me this much, but seeing him there, looking so tired and weak and asking me if I was alright was so hard to swallow that it broke my insides.
They're going to give him chemo. There's still hope that he'll get well, and that he'll live for a long, long time. But from what I've been told, there's a very high possibility that he'll die before x-mas. And that thought is just too much to swallow right now.
It probably sounds stupid and selfish, I know, but after everything I've lost and all the crap I've been through lately, this is just too much. I can't lose a family member right before x-mas. I just can't. I don't know if I'll be able to handle it, cause right now just the thought alone is enough to make me choke.
I woke up feeling heavy and sad yesterday. I struggled my way through the day, and when I got back home from the psychologist I spent the entire day crying. I even cried myself to sleep, which is something I rarely do. There wasn't really one specific reason for my sadness, that I could think of at least, but I think maybe things have been a bit too overwhelming for me. Things are catching up to me, and right now I've got to focus all of my energy on keeping myself from breaking apart. All this shit is messing with my head, and I'm too damned tired now.
I try to stay positive, and think of good things, but right now it's hard.
I don't know what to do anymore.
My parents and brother is going away on vacation at the end of this week. They'll be gone for two weeks, enjoying the sun and the warmth, and while they're gone I'll be house-sitting. I'll paint their hallway and get out the advent decorations and make the place look nice while they're away. We're just a month or so away from x-mas now. I don't really know if I'm looking forward to it or not.
Right now, my feelings are on the outside of my skin again - where they've been most of my life - and I can't feel them. I'm just empty inside.
I hope it's just temporary.
I hope things will be better soon.
*
EDIT:
45 minutes after posting this entry, I get the phone call. The tumour can't be treated. They're going to give him chemo so that he might live a month or two, but that's it. He's going to die.
I've lost a lot of things lately, and it has taken its toll on me. I'm tired now. Really tired. And most parts of me just want to give up on everything, cause I don't know how much more I can take. There have been so much crap lately, and losing things is something I've never really been any good at dealing with, so I'm more or less at the end of my rope soon.
The worst was losing something before I even gained it. It's been almost 3 months now, and it still hurts. It stings inside me whenever I think of it, and just walking passed someone in town that reminds me makes me bite my lip so I don't start to cry in public. When I'm at home, I cry whenever I see a commercial on TV that reminds me. I don't talk about it to anyone though. Not even my closest. I just keep it all inside me, and I grieve all on my own. Every day. No one even knows why this is so painful to me. The only person I ever told, is now lost to me as well.
That was pain on another level. Just a month or so after, I lose the most precious I had in my life, and in such an ugly way too. The bitter aftertaste of being kicked away like I'm worthless is only clouded by the pain of the loss. Though the pain of losing something before even gaining it is worse than this, at least I know that pain will eventually fade over time and it'll get better. This pain, however, will stay just as strong for the rest of my life, and that I know from experience. I've lost something precious like this before, and not a single day went by without me thinking about it. It nearly drove me insane back then... So yeah, I know that this pain will be with me for as long as I'll live, and it's not a pleasant thought.
The two things I wanted and needed the most is not in my life, and I don't know how to even begin to handle that. But I've tried! I've really tried! I've boxed away my feelings and tried to ignore all the pain and just crawl back on my feet and keep walking. It was tough, but I thought I was going to make it. And then I have to face the possibility that I'll lose even more. I mean, right now, I don't think I'd be able to handle the loss of a pet even, cause that's how hard I'm struggling to keep it together, so the thought of losing a family member... It kind of felt like the last drop.
I got the text message on saturday, when I was out drinking (drunk as a pineapple and beyond, I was), telling me that he was at the hospital again and that they don't think he'll live until x-mas. My night out ended, to put it in a nice way. It was the last drop that made me break down, and if it hadn't been for all the amazing and wonderful people around me that took care of me and gave me warm words and comfort when I needed it, and even got me home, then I don't know what would've happened. It could've gotten ugly, drunk as I was and with such bad news to digest on top of everything else.
I knew he had been sick, but I thought - stupid as I am - that they'd fix it. That he'd get better. I really should've known better. Brain tumour. Agressive. And they can't remove it. And then his heart threatened to give in under the strain of it all, so that's why he ended up in the hospital again. I went to see him on Sunday, hung over and sad, and I had to bite my own lip so hard during the visit to keep from crying, that it went numb in the end. I didn't think it would affect me this much, but seeing him there, looking so tired and weak and asking me if I was alright was so hard to swallow that it broke my insides.
They're going to give him chemo. There's still hope that he'll get well, and that he'll live for a long, long time. But from what I've been told, there's a very high possibility that he'll die before x-mas. And that thought is just too much to swallow right now.
It probably sounds stupid and selfish, I know, but after everything I've lost and all the crap I've been through lately, this is just too much. I can't lose a family member right before x-mas. I just can't. I don't know if I'll be able to handle it, cause right now just the thought alone is enough to make me choke.
I woke up feeling heavy and sad yesterday. I struggled my way through the day, and when I got back home from the psychologist I spent the entire day crying. I even cried myself to sleep, which is something I rarely do. There wasn't really one specific reason for my sadness, that I could think of at least, but I think maybe things have been a bit too overwhelming for me. Things are catching up to me, and right now I've got to focus all of my energy on keeping myself from breaking apart. All this shit is messing with my head, and I'm too damned tired now.
I try to stay positive, and think of good things, but right now it's hard.
I don't know what to do anymore.
My parents and brother is going away on vacation at the end of this week. They'll be gone for two weeks, enjoying the sun and the warmth, and while they're gone I'll be house-sitting. I'll paint their hallway and get out the advent decorations and make the place look nice while they're away. We're just a month or so away from x-mas now. I don't really know if I'm looking forward to it or not.
Right now, my feelings are on the outside of my skin again - where they've been most of my life - and I can't feel them. I'm just empty inside.
I hope it's just temporary.
I hope things will be better soon.
*
EDIT:
45 minutes after posting this entry, I get the phone call. The tumour can't be treated. They're going to give him chemo so that he might live a month or two, but that's it. He's going to die.
fredag 11. november 2011
Rebirth
"Last night I died, and chained myself to the moon.
Today I am reborn, as a new keeper of the unknown."
I've been chained down, all my life, by so many different things. My life, the things I love, my insecurity, my health, and so many, many other nameless things. Yesterday I decided to cut all those old chains, leave the past behind me, and create new ones that I've chosen myself. As I went to bed, I told myself that when I returned from my sleep, I'd wake up as a different person, and start my life anew.
Today I feel... Strangely different, actually. I feel better about things, and not so depressed and sad about the things now lost to me. Instead of thinking of what I no longer have, I think of the things I do have, and how grateful I am for having them. I will always love and cherish the good memories of what once was dear to me, and I'll never stop caring. But these things are gone, and though I'll never forget them, I'll look forward now instead of backward. These things are behind me now.
Just like the person that once was me, who's now gone.
Last night, I killed her.
*
On to different thoughts and updates.
Last friday I almost got an emergency appointment at the doctor's. I stopped by to try and get an appointment, and told the lady behind the desk what the problem was. She called the doctor, and one hour later he took me in to examine me. To tell the truth, I was in a kind of a shock. I'm used to waiting at least a week or so before I get my appointment, and even longer than so in the flu season, but no. I got an appointment the same day as I asked for one. I knew things were kind of urgent, but... Well, at least it was a good shock to get.
Several tests later, and a new regular diet of medication (which I'm hoping is only temporary) and all I can do is just wait until I get some answers. Still don't know what's causing the problems, but the doctor told me he'll most likely get me into the hospital for further examination. So, hopefully things'll get better soon. I'm staying positive, either way.
Unfortunately, the M-project went down the drain. I did good, for a long time, but now I've had several days where I haven't left the apartment at all. Though, I still can't figure out why I'm not leaving the apartment. It's not anxiety, so I honestly have no idea how to handle this. Buuut... I suppose I'll somehow manage. I mean, I can be resourceful, if I want. Right?
Also, it's not every day you get a massage from your psychologist! But that's what I got today. We had a lot to talk about today, and one of the things is my headaches, which are getting worse. I'm used to having a headache 24/7, cause I've had that almost all my life, but usually it's just a murmur at the back of my head. I've learned to ignore it. And every now and then, the murmur becomes loud noise that is impossible to ignore, and impossible to cure. Lately, however, I've gotten those headaches every single day, and to tell the truth I'm exhausted now. That kind of pain, every single day, is enough to drive even a sane person insane, so I've just about had enough of it now.
Luckily, my psychologist wants to get me to a special type of therapist that'll help loosen up my knots, both physically and mentally, so maybe things'll get better soon. After massaging me, she was quite surprised by how tense I am, so she figured it's kind of urgent that I get some help as soon as possible. I can't even begine to describe how grateful I am for that. I'm used to pain, but I'm honestly a bit sick of it now.
*
The other day, I stumbled over some zodiac things, and I sat for a while and read up on some things.
Zodiacs are fascinating things, really, and I've always liked reading up on them. However, my own personal zodiacs have never really felt all that right to me, and I keep saying I was born on the wrong date. But, as my mother pointed out to me, I'm not one person. My zodiacs might not fit all of me, but it does describe one part. The fun of having "split personalities" is never ending.
In the Western zodiac, I'm born a Capricorn.
I'm supposed to be down to earth, stubborn, and a workaholic.
In the Eastern zodiac, I'm a Wood Rat.
I'm supposed to be smart, selfish and calculating.
And, in the Native American zodiac, I'm a god damned Goose.
I'm supposed to be reliable, ambitious and rigid.
I suppose they do describe one side of me, though I've got to be honest and say that I'm not too familiar with that side. I mean, down to earth, workaholic, calculating and ambitious? That really doesn't sound like any part of me at all. But, oh well. I suppose I'm just not done getting to know myself, and if I am to judge based on my zodiacs, then I have a lot of interesting to discover. Either way, as I look upon myself today, and claim to be reborn, I see that this new path of mine has just began. I'm sure there's a lot of interesting things ahead of me, and I'm praying that most of it will be positive things that'll help me improve my life.
After all this time, I do feel like I deserve it.
Today I am reborn, as a new keeper of the unknown."
-unknown
I've been chained down, all my life, by so many different things. My life, the things I love, my insecurity, my health, and so many, many other nameless things. Yesterday I decided to cut all those old chains, leave the past behind me, and create new ones that I've chosen myself. As I went to bed, I told myself that when I returned from my sleep, I'd wake up as a different person, and start my life anew.
Today I feel... Strangely different, actually. I feel better about things, and not so depressed and sad about the things now lost to me. Instead of thinking of what I no longer have, I think of the things I do have, and how grateful I am for having them. I will always love and cherish the good memories of what once was dear to me, and I'll never stop caring. But these things are gone, and though I'll never forget them, I'll look forward now instead of backward. These things are behind me now.
Just like the person that once was me, who's now gone.
Last night, I killed her.
*
On to different thoughts and updates.
Last friday I almost got an emergency appointment at the doctor's. I stopped by to try and get an appointment, and told the lady behind the desk what the problem was. She called the doctor, and one hour later he took me in to examine me. To tell the truth, I was in a kind of a shock. I'm used to waiting at least a week or so before I get my appointment, and even longer than so in the flu season, but no. I got an appointment the same day as I asked for one. I knew things were kind of urgent, but... Well, at least it was a good shock to get.
Several tests later, and a new regular diet of medication (which I'm hoping is only temporary) and all I can do is just wait until I get some answers. Still don't know what's causing the problems, but the doctor told me he'll most likely get me into the hospital for further examination. So, hopefully things'll get better soon. I'm staying positive, either way.
Unfortunately, the M-project went down the drain. I did good, for a long time, but now I've had several days where I haven't left the apartment at all. Though, I still can't figure out why I'm not leaving the apartment. It's not anxiety, so I honestly have no idea how to handle this. Buuut... I suppose I'll somehow manage. I mean, I can be resourceful, if I want. Right?
Also, it's not every day you get a massage from your psychologist! But that's what I got today. We had a lot to talk about today, and one of the things is my headaches, which are getting worse. I'm used to having a headache 24/7, cause I've had that almost all my life, but usually it's just a murmur at the back of my head. I've learned to ignore it. And every now and then, the murmur becomes loud noise that is impossible to ignore, and impossible to cure. Lately, however, I've gotten those headaches every single day, and to tell the truth I'm exhausted now. That kind of pain, every single day, is enough to drive even a sane person insane, so I've just about had enough of it now.
Luckily, my psychologist wants to get me to a special type of therapist that'll help loosen up my knots, both physically and mentally, so maybe things'll get better soon. After massaging me, she was quite surprised by how tense I am, so she figured it's kind of urgent that I get some help as soon as possible. I can't even begine to describe how grateful I am for that. I'm used to pain, but I'm honestly a bit sick of it now.
*
The other day, I stumbled over some zodiac things, and I sat for a while and read up on some things.
Zodiacs are fascinating things, really, and I've always liked reading up on them. However, my own personal zodiacs have never really felt all that right to me, and I keep saying I was born on the wrong date. But, as my mother pointed out to me, I'm not one person. My zodiacs might not fit all of me, but it does describe one part. The fun of having "split personalities" is never ending.
In the Western zodiac, I'm born a Capricorn.
I'm supposed to be down to earth, stubborn, and a workaholic.
In the Eastern zodiac, I'm a Wood Rat.
I'm supposed to be smart, selfish and calculating.
And, in the Native American zodiac, I'm a god damned Goose.
I'm supposed to be reliable, ambitious and rigid.
I suppose they do describe one side of me, though I've got to be honest and say that I'm not too familiar with that side. I mean, down to earth, workaholic, calculating and ambitious? That really doesn't sound like any part of me at all. But, oh well. I suppose I'm just not done getting to know myself, and if I am to judge based on my zodiacs, then I have a lot of interesting to discover. Either way, as I look upon myself today, and claim to be reborn, I see that this new path of mine has just began. I'm sure there's a lot of interesting things ahead of me, and I'm praying that most of it will be positive things that'll help me improve my life.
After all this time, I do feel like I deserve it.
onsdag 2. november 2011
Weekly update
Warning: Long, long entry, written over time.
First off; my Halloween weekend was a real success! I had the most fun I've had in ages, in absolutely great company, and even though I woke up with a massive hangover the following sunday, it was totally worth it. I got invited to two Halloween parties that saturday, and I attended both. First was my younger brother's party, where I got pizza and watched the first half of a movie with my folks, and then there was a PartAY hosted by some friends of mine where I had the best time ever. We drank, talked, had fun, and even ended up out on town! Lots of dancing, and lots of fun, and they played many of my favourite party songs. The hostess of the party was dressed as Lady GaGa, and when the DJ noticed her he dedicated one of my favourite GaGa songs to her!
I absolutely love that song, and the dancefloor was packed with people dancing and singing. Absolutely awesome, is what it was. And, I requested one of my party songs, and the DJ played it for me!
So you can safely say that my mood was pretty good. And then he played another of my favourite songs.
Though I'll admit that the song made me think of things I really didn't want to think of, so I had to swallow pretty hard to suppress certain things. But, aside from a small moment of bad thinking, the evening was absolutely amazing. Met one of my sisters as well, dressed up as Captain Jack Sparrow, and she got me a ride back to the Halloween party after Ramona closed. I had such a great time, and I smiled as I walked home that night. I made it home at around 5 AM that morning, and considering that we turned the clock back and hour that night, I was out pretty late for once.
Can't remember the last time I did that, to be honest. And it was great.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
I needed that weekend, really badly, cause I had a pretty bad week last week. Though, this week turned out to be even worse, and to be honest a part of me just want to give up. I've lost everything that gave me a reason to breathe, for no real reason and without any explanation. And I ask myself; how can anyone hate me so intensely that they go to such lengths just to break me? I really don't know anything anymore, and a huge part of me feels completely empty. I paint on that smile and pretend I'm okay, but the moment my door closes and I'm alone, I'm drowning in my own tears and choking on my pain. Can't remember the last time I cried this much...
I just want to go away somewhere. Get away from it all. Preferably leave this entire planet behind and stay in another world. Though, right now I'd settle for a nice vacation somewhere sunny, as long as it was anywhere but here. I just need to put some serious distance between myself and all the shit that's being going on lately.
I mean, right now I'm going through the worst kind of pain I've ever experienced, and I honestly don't know how to deal with it. Sure, I've been through heartaches and all that before, and I know eventually time heals and all that crap. But this... I don't know. Trying to put away so many years of love is hard.
Have you ever loved someone with all your entire being? And I mean really loved someone. To the point where you'd do anything for them, even sacrifice your own happiness just to please them. Have you ever loved someone so deeply, that you'd be willing to swallow those feelings and keep them tied up someplace where that person won't have to see it, just because you don't want them to feel pressured or burdened by your feelings?
I used to think that being an emotional being was a good thing, and that how I was capable of loving someone with my entire being - giving them my mind, my heart, my body and soul - was something to be treasured, but now I'm starting to believe otherwise. If anything, these passed weeks have only taught me that loving someone so deeply is just stupid. You shouldn't give all of yourself to anyone. You shouldn't share everything you have to share with anyone. You shouldn't trust your heart to anyone. And, above all else, you should never, ever believe that loving someone so deeply will ever make them love you back.
Right now, at this very moment, I kind of don't want to love someone, ever again.
It's just too painful.
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It kind of feels like I'm being divided within myself, and I've got different sides of me all leaning in different directions, and to be honest I have no idea which side is the side I should listen to.
There's one side that's still hoping for something to happen that can fix everything. That hopes I'll just wake up one day and everything will somehow magically be back to the way they were, and I'll be fine again. It's the side that keeps looking out the window at all the rain pouring down, praying that the clouds will suddenly go away and the sky will be blue. The side that wishes so badly that everything's just one big misunderstanding, or that I'll at least get an explanation for why things turned out the way they did.
Then there's the side of me that just wants to crawl into a hole and stay there for the rest of my life. That, quite honestly, just want to give up on everything and die. The side that wants me to lock myself up in my apartment and refuse to be a member of the world, and just sit around and mope and feel sorry for myself. It's that side that tells me that this is just what I deserve for being stupid and worthless, and that I should never fool myself into believing that I actually matter to someone.
And then I've got a third side of me that just want to say "Fuck it. Fuck everything. Move on." and basically just put it all in a box and throw the box away. It's the side that keeps asking me why I even bother to care, and that wants to just forget about everything. The side that is too fed up with all the crap I've been through all these years, and that considers this nothing more than the last drop that made the water spill out of the glass, and really just want to give the world the finger.
I gotta admit, that last side kind of scares me a bit. It even scares the other two sides of me as well. It's a new side, and I don't really know it all that well. I've never been a person that can just say "fuck off" and turn my back on things. I'm too emotional, too weak, and with a conscience that tends to kill me if I just look at someone the wrong way. I just want to please everyone around me, cause their happiness have always mattered more to me than my own, so a side like that is a bit intimidating. I don't even know where it came from.
I'm at a loss.
I've been working hard, for a long time now. I've struggled for so many years with anxiety, self-esteem issues, uncertainties, insecurity, depression, and I've worked so hard on all these things for some time now. I was starting to build up my confidence, learning myself that I'm not worthless and that I can do a lot of things. I was convincing myself that I matter, cause I had people, friends and family, and loved ones, who told me that I was important. That I was loved, and cared for. That I mattered. I was starting to feel less insecure, and I was finally able to get myself to dare to do things I never dared to do before. I got rid of my anxiety!
But now? I've had a major setback. And I feel like crap. I feel worthless. I don't matter. I'm not important. I'm not loved. I'm nothing. It annoys me that I let it get to me, but it's so hard not to. For so many years, I've had something that was my entire world. And I gave my all for it. Now, that world basically told me to fuck off. Not in those exact words, mind you, or any words at all, but that's kind of the feeling I'm left with. That what once was my everything, told me to fuck off. It's... Not a good feeling.
I was right, in thinking that things were changing now. Cause they really are. I've lost all that mattered to me, so now I'm standing at the crossroad, wondering on which way to go. What to do. How do I pick up the pieces of a broken me, and glue myself back together?
I look at myself, and I see me divided. One part still looking backward, wanting to go back to what was, and willing to do anything to get there. Praying for blue skies... One part just sitting there, unwilling to move, and determined to just drown myself in self-pity. And that last part, looking forward, ready to turn its back on everything and move in an entirely new direction.
They're all me. So how do I choose which me to listen to?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
My psychologist means that I should listen to all three sides, cause they're all right in some way. Take the time to grieve over what I have lost, remember the good things, and also allow myself to be angry. It's a process I have to go through, and so far I'm handling things just right, according to her. It was good to hear, that much I'll say.
My other concern now is that I really need to get a proper appointment at the doctor's... I've lost 10kg in a couple of months, and that's not good. Especially when I've been eating more than usual to try and keep my weight steady and not get too skinny. I'm not a fan of skinny... But people are concerned about this, and so am I. Cause my stomach just isn't co-operating with me at all.
I've been bothered with nausea all my life, and the annoying "morning sickness" that keeps me from eating a proper breakfast, but what this has escalated into is just insane. I'm not nauseous, but I throw up on a daily basis. It can be that I draw my breath too deeply, and then I'm hanging over the toilet. I've got a cold, so there's slime at the back of my throat, and I'm hanging over the toilet. I think of something nasty, and I'm hanging over the toilet. It's starting to get pretty annoying. I'm keeping my food down, that I am, so that's not a problem, but for the most part I'm throwing up air and stomach acid. And let me tell you; that doesn't taste all that great. I have no idea what's causing this, cause I've never really been one to throw up, but I'm going to let a doctor take a look at it. Either it's psychological, cause things haven't been that great, or there's something else at work that needs to be treated.
It drains my energy. And when my energy is already drained because of other things, I'm not really left with much to go on. I'm tired all the time, and can hardly manage to do anything at all. I figured out that the only time I'm not tired, are the hours after I've gone to bed and I'm trying to sleep. Talk about annoying.
You know what? I really need a vacation. Now.
First off; my Halloween weekend was a real success! I had the most fun I've had in ages, in absolutely great company, and even though I woke up with a massive hangover the following sunday, it was totally worth it. I got invited to two Halloween parties that saturday, and I attended both. First was my younger brother's party, where I got pizza and watched the first half of a movie with my folks, and then there was a PartAY hosted by some friends of mine where I had the best time ever. We drank, talked, had fun, and even ended up out on town! Lots of dancing, and lots of fun, and they played many of my favourite party songs. The hostess of the party was dressed as Lady GaGa, and when the DJ noticed her he dedicated one of my favourite GaGa songs to her!
I absolutely love that song, and the dancefloor was packed with people dancing and singing. Absolutely awesome, is what it was. And, I requested one of my party songs, and the DJ played it for me!
So you can safely say that my mood was pretty good. And then he played another of my favourite songs.
Though I'll admit that the song made me think of things I really didn't want to think of, so I had to swallow pretty hard to suppress certain things. But, aside from a small moment of bad thinking, the evening was absolutely amazing. Met one of my sisters as well, dressed up as Captain Jack Sparrow, and she got me a ride back to the Halloween party after Ramona closed. I had such a great time, and I smiled as I walked home that night. I made it home at around 5 AM that morning, and considering that we turned the clock back and hour that night, I was out pretty late for once.
Can't remember the last time I did that, to be honest. And it was great.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
I needed that weekend, really badly, cause I had a pretty bad week last week. Though, this week turned out to be even worse, and to be honest a part of me just want to give up. I've lost everything that gave me a reason to breathe, for no real reason and without any explanation. And I ask myself; how can anyone hate me so intensely that they go to such lengths just to break me? I really don't know anything anymore, and a huge part of me feels completely empty. I paint on that smile and pretend I'm okay, but the moment my door closes and I'm alone, I'm drowning in my own tears and choking on my pain. Can't remember the last time I cried this much...
I just want to go away somewhere. Get away from it all. Preferably leave this entire planet behind and stay in another world. Though, right now I'd settle for a nice vacation somewhere sunny, as long as it was anywhere but here. I just need to put some serious distance between myself and all the shit that's being going on lately.
I mean, right now I'm going through the worst kind of pain I've ever experienced, and I honestly don't know how to deal with it. Sure, I've been through heartaches and all that before, and I know eventually time heals and all that crap. But this... I don't know. Trying to put away so many years of love is hard.
Have you ever loved someone with all your entire being? And I mean really loved someone. To the point where you'd do anything for them, even sacrifice your own happiness just to please them. Have you ever loved someone so deeply, that you'd be willing to swallow those feelings and keep them tied up someplace where that person won't have to see it, just because you don't want them to feel pressured or burdened by your feelings?
I used to think that being an emotional being was a good thing, and that how I was capable of loving someone with my entire being - giving them my mind, my heart, my body and soul - was something to be treasured, but now I'm starting to believe otherwise. If anything, these passed weeks have only taught me that loving someone so deeply is just stupid. You shouldn't give all of yourself to anyone. You shouldn't share everything you have to share with anyone. You shouldn't trust your heart to anyone. And, above all else, you should never, ever believe that loving someone so deeply will ever make them love you back.
Right now, at this very moment, I kind of don't want to love someone, ever again.
It's just too painful.
---------------------------------------------------------
It kind of feels like I'm being divided within myself, and I've got different sides of me all leaning in different directions, and to be honest I have no idea which side is the side I should listen to.
There's one side that's still hoping for something to happen that can fix everything. That hopes I'll just wake up one day and everything will somehow magically be back to the way they were, and I'll be fine again. It's the side that keeps looking out the window at all the rain pouring down, praying that the clouds will suddenly go away and the sky will be blue. The side that wishes so badly that everything's just one big misunderstanding, or that I'll at least get an explanation for why things turned out the way they did.
Then there's the side of me that just wants to crawl into a hole and stay there for the rest of my life. That, quite honestly, just want to give up on everything and die. The side that wants me to lock myself up in my apartment and refuse to be a member of the world, and just sit around and mope and feel sorry for myself. It's that side that tells me that this is just what I deserve for being stupid and worthless, and that I should never fool myself into believing that I actually matter to someone.
And then I've got a third side of me that just want to say "Fuck it. Fuck everything. Move on." and basically just put it all in a box and throw the box away. It's the side that keeps asking me why I even bother to care, and that wants to just forget about everything. The side that is too fed up with all the crap I've been through all these years, and that considers this nothing more than the last drop that made the water spill out of the glass, and really just want to give the world the finger.
I gotta admit, that last side kind of scares me a bit. It even scares the other two sides of me as well. It's a new side, and I don't really know it all that well. I've never been a person that can just say "fuck off" and turn my back on things. I'm too emotional, too weak, and with a conscience that tends to kill me if I just look at someone the wrong way. I just want to please everyone around me, cause their happiness have always mattered more to me than my own, so a side like that is a bit intimidating. I don't even know where it came from.
I'm at a loss.
I've been working hard, for a long time now. I've struggled for so many years with anxiety, self-esteem issues, uncertainties, insecurity, depression, and I've worked so hard on all these things for some time now. I was starting to build up my confidence, learning myself that I'm not worthless and that I can do a lot of things. I was convincing myself that I matter, cause I had people, friends and family, and loved ones, who told me that I was important. That I was loved, and cared for. That I mattered. I was starting to feel less insecure, and I was finally able to get myself to dare to do things I never dared to do before. I got rid of my anxiety!
But now? I've had a major setback. And I feel like crap. I feel worthless. I don't matter. I'm not important. I'm not loved. I'm nothing. It annoys me that I let it get to me, but it's so hard not to. For so many years, I've had something that was my entire world. And I gave my all for it. Now, that world basically told me to fuck off. Not in those exact words, mind you, or any words at all, but that's kind of the feeling I'm left with. That what once was my everything, told me to fuck off. It's... Not a good feeling.
I was right, in thinking that things were changing now. Cause they really are. I've lost all that mattered to me, so now I'm standing at the crossroad, wondering on which way to go. What to do. How do I pick up the pieces of a broken me, and glue myself back together?
I look at myself, and I see me divided. One part still looking backward, wanting to go back to what was, and willing to do anything to get there. Praying for blue skies... One part just sitting there, unwilling to move, and determined to just drown myself in self-pity. And that last part, looking forward, ready to turn its back on everything and move in an entirely new direction.
They're all me. So how do I choose which me to listen to?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
My psychologist means that I should listen to all three sides, cause they're all right in some way. Take the time to grieve over what I have lost, remember the good things, and also allow myself to be angry. It's a process I have to go through, and so far I'm handling things just right, according to her. It was good to hear, that much I'll say.
My other concern now is that I really need to get a proper appointment at the doctor's... I've lost 10kg in a couple of months, and that's not good. Especially when I've been eating more than usual to try and keep my weight steady and not get too skinny. I'm not a fan of skinny... But people are concerned about this, and so am I. Cause my stomach just isn't co-operating with me at all.
I've been bothered with nausea all my life, and the annoying "morning sickness" that keeps me from eating a proper breakfast, but what this has escalated into is just insane. I'm not nauseous, but I throw up on a daily basis. It can be that I draw my breath too deeply, and then I'm hanging over the toilet. I've got a cold, so there's slime at the back of my throat, and I'm hanging over the toilet. I think of something nasty, and I'm hanging over the toilet. It's starting to get pretty annoying. I'm keeping my food down, that I am, so that's not a problem, but for the most part I'm throwing up air and stomach acid. And let me tell you; that doesn't taste all that great. I have no idea what's causing this, cause I've never really been one to throw up, but I'm going to let a doctor take a look at it. Either it's psychological, cause things haven't been that great, or there's something else at work that needs to be treated.
It drains my energy. And when my energy is already drained because of other things, I'm not really left with much to go on. I'm tired all the time, and can hardly manage to do anything at all. I figured out that the only time I'm not tired, are the hours after I've gone to bed and I'm trying to sleep. Talk about annoying.
You know what? I really need a vacation. Now.
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