A new year, and a new start

Yet another year has passed, and we're about to greet a new one. Figured it was time for one last journal entry, to say good bye to everything that's been, and to get prepared for everything that's to come.


What have I learned in 2015?

A lot of things, really. I've learned that I might just have to accept the fact that certain things - such as my depression and anxiety - might always be a part of me and my life (along with that damned fibromyalgia). It'll come and go, and make things hard for me, but even though I have to accept that, I must not let it define me or rule me. Yes, I broke years ago, unfortunately, and there are parts of me that can never be repaired because of it, but not ALL of me is broken, and I can still keep going forward. I'll fall into pits and deal with hard periods for the rest of my life, but it's important that I try to remember that those hard periods aren't who I am. I am not going to let it dictate who I am.

I've also learned that trying to hide who I am is one of the main things that broke me in the first place, and that'll keep breaking me if I go on like that. Why hide? Because I've always been ashamed of myself, ashamed of being who and what I am, and because I thought everyone around me hated who I really was. After all, that's what the voices in the back of my head used to tell me. But I'm done with that. I'm done hiding, and forcing myself to be someone I'm not. I'm done letting those voices and the people around me define who I am, and breaking me in the process. I'm done breaking. I've learned that I don't exist for everyone else's sake, and so I don't have to continue to try and please everyone else. I'm not going to apologize for who I am, or for my very existence, like I've done for so long, because those that cannot accept me and love me for who I am are people I don't need in my life. I am going to be honest about who I am, and that's that.

And with that in mind, I've learned to better see myself for who I am. I fought a hard battle this year - one that lasted an entire year on the surface, and an entire life below that surface - and I won. I faced my inner demon, and chose to embrace her instead of trying to destroy her. After all these years, I've come to learn that she's such a big part of me now, that destroying her would've destroyed me as well. But embracing her is hard, and it means that I had to release her from her chains and allow her to live as a part of my other selves in the back of my mind, and letting her keep her voice. Letting her exist means that I open myself to her influence and her words, her thoughts and opinions, and her feelings, and learning to live with that might take me a while. She'll do her best to drag me down, and I'll have to keep battling her - possibly for the rest of my life - and I have to accept that. I have to accept that it'll take time for me to come to terms with this, and learn how to handle it and live with it.

Another thing I've learned is that, in the past, whenever I've come in on subjects I don't wish to talk about, because either it makes me uncomfortable, or I disagree to the point where arguements may occur, I've done my best to avoid said subjects. I try to change the subject, talk around it, and do everything I can not to talk about it, and when that has failed, I've lied. I've lied with all my being to avoid the subject and steer myself back on safe ground. All because I try so hard to avoid things that makes me uncomfortable. But now, finally, I've learned that instead of doing that - instead of avoiding and lying - I'm going to put my foot down and simply make it clear that I have no wish to discuss those subjects. If a conversation steers on to unsafe ground that makes me uncomfortable, I'll let people know. And if they get offended by that, then that's their problem, not mine. No one gets to decide what I want to talk about or not, and I see no reason for why I have to justify that - especially if it's personal things.

There are so many things I've learned this passed year, and I could spend hours listing them all, but I see, now, more than anything, that the most important thing I've learned is that it's time for me to put my foot down and stand my ground, and not let other people tell me who to be, or how to live my life. Yes, my loved ones are important to me, and their opinions are valuable, and I'll always listen to them, but I will not let them control me, because I've done that so much in the past. Not because they've ever wanted to take control of me on purpose or tell me how to live my life, no, but because I've given them the reigns without them asking for it. I used to apologize for my very existence, and so I allowed everyone else to steer me around, and at times I couldn't even decide what to have for dinner on my own, because I got so used to being told what opinions to have. I've been very submissive most of my life, on a lot of areas, even though it hasn't been all that visible. And that, I've learned, is something I am done with. No one else lives inside my head, nor do they live my life - I'm the only one doing so - and so they have no say in things. I'm the one in control, not them.


So what are my plans for 2016?


First of all, my plans are, as mentioned, to put my foot down. I'm struggling with a lot of things inside myself, and most of those things are things I've kept hidden from everyone around me - mainly because they are my things to deal with. But yes, I'm struggling, and I'll continue to struggle for a while, cause there is a lot I need to sort out, but I will do so in my own pace. I'm not going to hurry and fix myself for the sake of anyone else, because my life doesn't belong to anyone but me. I'll take the time I need, and if anyone dislike that, then, please, be a sweetheart and get the fuck out of my life. I'm done being overly sweet just for the sake of keeping peace, or because of the fear of being abandoned, because what little I gain from that is not worth it anymore. Simply put, 2016 will greet a me that's done playing nice. If you play bitch, I'll play an even bigger bitch - and I'm not afraid to throw a punch.

I also plan on embracing all of me, which includes my other selves - and which means accepting and embracing my D.I.D. - and stop hiding who I am. I am stepping out of the closet, so to speak, and those around me that can't handle that - can't handle me - will just have to step away from me, and possibly out of my life alltogether. I have alternate personalities, and they live inside my head as voices, and that's just how I am. I'm going to listen to them - my other selves - a lot more, because, after all, they're all an important part of who I am, and all of their thoughts and opinions, and feelings, are all valid. We'll work together from now on, and we'll support eachother, and we'll grow stronger from it. Together we Stand, Divided we Fall.

I plan on rearranging my life quite a bit, cause I do see a lot of things I wish to change - and a lot of things that NEEDS to change - but I won't stress about it. I'll take things at the pace I'm comfortable with, and that's that. This is my life, and so I'll do things MY way. And, finally, I've decided to actually make an effort to get the clothing style I want. I'm done compromising, because this modern day and age don't have what I want, and I'm going to work hard on solutions that are to MY taste. It's such a silly little thing, but, to me, how I dress is an important part of my identity, and I want to express it better. This means I might have to step up my efforts to learn how to sew, which is something I dread, but I'm certain it'll be worth it in the end. And, again, if people don't like that, then that's their problem.

And, more importantly, I have plans for my work in 2016, and those plans are far from the same ones I've had these passed 20 years. I've decided to take all my stories, and everything I've planned and plotted so far, and put it to rest - quite possibly forever. As I enter 2016, a new year with new possibilities, I plan to let my work enter a new beginning, and start it all from scratch. This doesn't really mean that I'll scrap everything I've done so far, but more that I'll label all those things simply as work notes and research - a sketch, so to speak. Now, finally, I'll start the actual work, and I'm quite excited about it.


All in all, my plans for 2016 is to greet it with that old (but good) cliché;
a new Year, a new ME. And this time I actually mean it.

There will be a lot of new things, in and around me, and although I know a lot of it will drag tough periods with it, and that there will be a lot of struggling, there is also a lot of good things to look forward to. New and exciting good things. To me, right now, it feels like I'm in a small village, right before a new, large dungeon. I made it out of the last one, and even though it was hard, and that the final boss of that dungeon took more of me than I thought, I feel ready to take on this new one. A new year, a new dungeon, a bunch of new quests, and a new start.

Yeah. That's what 2016 is, for me. A new start.


Take care of yourselves, stay true to who you are, and don't ever let anyone else tell you who you are, or how to be you and/or live your life. YOU'RE the main character of your story, after all. And how you choose to live through that story is entirely up to you. Yes, you may hurt people's feelings, because they expect something else from you, but in the end they're hurting you way more than you're hurting them, by not letting you be you, and you deserve better. Live for yourself. Do what makes you happy. Reach out and grab your dreams, and I'll be right by your side, grabbing my own.

Happy New Year, my lovelies~

One breath at a time

How's things? Up and down. You know; the good days are good, and the bad days are bad.

It seems my mood-level only exists on
"We're doing great, and everything's gonna be okay!"
"We're tired, but it's fine; we're gonna be fine. Things'll be okay."
"Can I sleep forever? I need a vacation from things."
"I'm tired of breathing. Tired of existing. Can't I just disappear forever?"
So, yeah. Up and down - but that's not unusual. We'll manage, I'm sure of it.

There's just a lot going on right now.

My depression is being an absolute asshole, as usual, and it drags all kinds of bad stuff with it, which is hard to deal with. And the fibromyalgia ain't getting better - on the contrary, it just keeps getting worse, and that's not doing wonders for my mood and my depression. And in the middle of all that, my family is going through a really horribly tough period, cause there are some really bad things going on, which leaves me in a constant state of worry regarding several of my family members - some more than others. And this is all really hard for me, and I'm trying my best to deal with it all, but to top things off, one of my disorders have decided to blow up in my face, which makes things a gazillion times more complicated. I've lived with that disorder for over half of my life, but have always managed to be somewhat discreet about it, and only during the later years have I slowly started to inform people around me about it. And now it decided to give me a swift kick to my behind, forcing me to "come out of the closet" about it in a rather harsh way. So, yeah, that's tough. And it couldn't have come at a worse time, all things considered.

But I suppose I better just suck it up and deal with it somehow. Which I will, I assure you. I've never come out of the closet regarding my sexuality, cause no one really thought I was straight to begin with, so this is my big coming out thing. And it's terrifying as fuck, but I suppose it needs to happen. So I'm preparing myself, and those around me, for that, and my next blog entry will most likely be dealing with that.

But for now, I'm just doing my best to get through the days. And I do, really. Things are hard, but I'm a lot stronger now than I used to - and I have better tools at my disposal now, as well as a kind of backup I've never had before - so I'll manage. We'll manage.

So, what's new?

Saw my ex the other day, at the grocery store, with her mother, aunt, and one of the kids, which was really weird. I didn't even recognise her at first, and had to look twice before I saw that it was her. Didn't talk to her or anything, and more or less treated her as a stranger I've never met before. Which is true, really. Some part of me knew some part of her a long time ago, but not anymore. I don't know who she is, and she certainly doesn't know who I am, so we're strangers, simple as that. But, man, she looked really bad. Tired and dragged, and so grey and invisible - I've never seen her like that. No part of me have seen her like that. It just made me feel really sorry for her, cause she looked so anonymous and broken.

The part of me that used to know her, knew a vibrant and colourful person that - despite her many flaws - had bright sides to her that could light up a room. And looking passed how badly she treated that person that used to be me, she was there for us in a way no one else was. And Aswa... She will always love her, no matter what. And that's okay, I accept it - Aswa is entitled to have the feelings she has, as long as she leaves me out of them. But yeah, the person in my memory is so incredibly different from the person I saw at the grocery store. Is that who she really is? Is that her true self? If so, then yeah, I just feel sorry for her. And not in a I'm looking down on her kind of way, but truly honestly I just feel sorry for her.

I asked Ahsk about his opinion on her, since I know he used to have the hots for her, and his only reply was "She walked away from us, and I have no need for anyone that would walk away from me and mine." with a shrug, so that's that. The others doesn't really have any set opinions regarding her, as far as I can tell - only one of them really met her. And me? Well, as I said, I've never met her. I came to be after she was out of our life, so I have no idea who she is - and thus I have no real opinion about her. I know everyone around me - friends and family - all really dislike her (some even hate her) and have nothing but bad things to say about her. They might think I'm stupid, but I stand by my statement. To me she is a stranger, and a stranger that seems so grey and broken, and I can't help but feel sorry for that stranger, because that's the kind of person I am.

But I won't take the problems of a stranger onto me, cause it's none of my business, so I give it little thought - aside from these immediate ones after going home that day - and that's that.

Speaking of home.

Mine is as chaotic as ever, but Ahsk started on a plan that seems decent, and easy enough to follow, so I'mma try and stick to that one and see if I can get anywhere with it. The most important part of that plan is NOT looking at the entire apartment and everything that needs to be done, and instead just focusing on one tiny thing at a time. The bedroom has been fully sorted out, so I'm just working on slowly bringing the stuff in the livingroom that's supposed to be in the bedroom in here and sorted into their proper place. So far it's going well. It's going slow, but that's okay. I'm no longer in a hurry to get things done, and I have no set deadline, so I am taking small steps and taking all the time I need. After all; this is my home, and I'm the only person it affects. What everyone else thinks? Not important, cause they don't live here. Simple as that.

And that way of thinking - yes, thank you Ahsk, you smug bastard, I know it's thanks to you, shut up - is making things a lot easier for me to deal with, so I don't feel so suffocated by my home anymore. As long as I just get to follow this little plan in front of me, without anyone else butting in, I should be fine. It doesn't matter if I don't finish in time for Xmas - I'm not gonna celebrate it here anyway. So, yeah. Things are chaotic, but it's okay. We're getting through it.

That, and all other things going on right now, is what's getting most of my attention these days, and I'm just focusing on getting through things one day at a time. And I have Skyrim to escape to when I need it, which is really nice. I've gotten really addicted to Skyrim, but I don't mind. It's an enjoyable game, and it's also really inspiring, which is neat. I take all the inspiration I can get, whenever I can get it, and try to do the best of it.

I still don't feel up for leaving the apartment much, but I'm okay with that. Everyone else around me isn't, but, to be a bit selfish and mean; I don't give a fuck. My life and how I handle things in it is up to me, and me alone. I do things my way, and I'm tired of having to excuse that or trying to please everyone else with my choices. As long as I'm not intentionally and badly hurting someone else, then I can do as I damn well please, and that is not something that is up for discussion. How I handle anything at all in my life is all up to me, really, and although people are entitled to their opinions, they really have no say in the matter.

What else?

Fell in love with a new artist, that had a lot of songs that reminded me of personal things. Not the entire songs, but various lines here and there, and they sink into my soul in a way few words do. Of course, there are a couple of the songs that really fits me well, and not just small lines, and I've grown very attached to those. It's hard to pick a favourite, but if I have to then I'd have to go for "Control", cause there are no other songs out there that portray parts of my life in such a perfect way. So, to wrap this up, have a listen to my newest musical obsession - Halsey.

My Demon Mask

Is such a fancy nickname for her. It's a true one, cause she's my inner Demon and my horrible Mask, but still - it's a bit too fancy. I can also call her my Darkness, cause that's what she is - when you're using the term 'darkness' as in something bad. Actually, anything that can be labeled as bad can be used to name her.

Because she is everything bad in me. She's my anger, my hatred, my wrath. She's my sadness, my hurt, my bitterness. She's the result of every time someone have done me wrong, and every thing that has ever hurt me in any way. She's my fear. My loneliness. My feelings of not belonging, and of being worthless. She's the other side of me - my twisted reflection in the mirror - and she hates it.

She was the one that, in my childhood, chained me down. She told me that no one loved me, that they'd all leave me, because I wasn't who they wanted me to be. And so she carved out masks to put on, to become someone else, and she hid my true self deep down within my own mind, locking me so far away that I forgot I even existed. And so I stayed behind those masks, and let her be in control, because the actions and words of those around me proved that she was right. No one loved me, and they'd all leave me, unless I wore my masks and did as was expected of me.

I grew up like that, wearing masks and trying to be everything I'm not, and still getting hurt by those around me. Everyone whom ever told me that they loved me, ended up leaving me at some point. Even my own mother, although I know she never meant to, and I hold no grudge towards her because of it. She didn't really know how abandoned and afraid I felt, every time that phone rang.
"Your aunt's sick again, I have to go help."
"It's grandma, I have to go help."
"I have to go help."
Today they all claim that mum never did anything for them, and I hate them all for it because I'm the one who suffered because of their selfishness. She left me, all alone, with no one but my Mask that kept me in chains to watch over me, and an imaginary friend that did whatever she could to keep me company and help me stay sane. But she couldn't silence the words from my Mask, and so I sat there listening to her telling me that I wasn't loved. I wasn't good enough. Even my own mother left me, so how could I be good enough? And my father made me dozens of promises, and broke every single one of them. And he yelled. All the time. No matter what I did, it wasn't good enough, and he yelled at me. I fell out of the top of a bunkbed once, and I hurt myself so bad, but I had to keep the tears in because when he came to the room he just yelled at me for being so stupid that I managed to fall out when I was supposed to be sleeping. When he wasn't drinking, he was yelling, teaching me how worthless I was, and I was so afraid of him that I'd hide in my room and cry every time I knew I had to go be with him. And yet I loved him, because he was my father, and I wanted to be good enough so that he'd stop yelling at me, and so I sank even deeper down beneath those chains and let the Mask be in control.

I was bullied, and friends only liked me if I did what they asked me to, so my Mask made sure I always did what they wanted, and she let them all use me - both mentally as well as physically. And I kept going like that, always doing what everyone expected me to, to please everyone around me. When I grew old enough to fall in love, and have actual relationships, I kept up that act. I wore my Mask as best I could, trying to be everything they wanted me to be, because that's the only way I'd keep their love. And even then, they left me. And then I met my best friend, and my Mask adored her and everything about her. She became obsessed with her, and with pleasing her, and so she kept on carving more and more masks, to keep her happy so that she'd stay with us. No one fed my Mask as well as she did, in every possible way, because she wore Masks as well, and knew how to play them. It became a sick little game, between her and my Mask, and at this point I didn't even exist anymore. The concept of ME was forgotten, and the only one that mattered was my Mask - and her sickly obsession for that Ex of mine. Because she was obsessed with her. Loved her with all of her being, she did, and she was a devoted follower that whorshipped my Ex like a fantatic religious person whorships his/her God.

All through my teenage years, and most of my twenties, the Mask reigned. She sat like a Queen on her throne, carving more and more masks to ensure that no one could reach her - and discover that she was just a Mask hiding the real me. And she became so strong. And so cruel.

I don't know when it happened, but my Mask became a real person, and there was nothing good in her. She was selfish and self-absorbed, but more than anything she was angry. She hated the world with such a rage that scares me even to this day, and she wished so much harm upon everyone. But, oh, she was clever, and she hid that rage and that hatred. She searched for the right words and actions, to please those around her, so that she'd get what she wanted. And she used a part of me to do so.
She created a different me. She carved a mask that she worked so incredibly hard on, making out so many details, and that mask became a person; Magdalena. All of my insecurities and fears - and insanities - were put into her, and she existed for no other purpose than pleasing those around her. She apologized for her very existence, and cried herself to sleep because she feared she wouldn't be able to please every single person she ever met. My Mask steered Magdalena around like a little puppet, and looking back at it now makes my stomach turn.

My mind shattered, early on, though I have no idea exactly when that happened. A result of losing the real me, and having a Mask stay in control, perhaps. A Mask that only carved new masks to hide the truth, which burrowed me even deeper in a world of madness, creating alternate personalities as a way of dealing. I couldn't handle any of it, and my mind shattered. Although, one part of me believes that my mind was shattered to begin with, and that's how my Mask came to be. I honestly don't know what the truth really is, and at this point I doubt it even matters anymore. My mind has been shattered for so long that it's far beyond the point where it can be fixed. And no matter how skilled my Mask was at creating new masks and steering them around like puppets, she couldn't hide that shattered mind, and it tormented her just as much as it tormented me.

My mental health has been a chaotic mess pretty much all of my life.

But her. That Mask. She just kept growing stronger, and her hatred and her anger kept growing with her. She hated the world, she hated everyone in it, she hated the masks she made, she hated my shattered mind, and she hated me. But most of all, she hated herself. And so she kept on trying to destroy us, through suicide attempts and cruel words to make everyone hate us in hopes that they'd destroy us for her. And inbetween all that, she kept steering Magdalena around, in an attempt to have everyone love us so that we wouldn't be abandoned.

I was 24-25 when she finally reached the point where she couldn't hide away as that mastermind behind the masks, and she stepped out and claimed full control as herself. She took a name - Aswa - and proclaimed that she was the truth; the real me. And she repeated those lies of hers so many times that in the end she started beliving them. She couldn't even see the difference between the truth and the lies, and she lost herself to her own game. The puppeteer became a puppet. And then, when she lost the most important thing in her life - her precious obsession - she finally broke apart.

One last attempt at ending our life was done, because she couldn't take it any more, but it only resulted in breaking my chains. It woke me up - the one she had hidden away - and I slowly started stretching, reaching out to be a part of the world again. That day, that last attempt at ending everything and finding peace in death, the 11th of November 2011, I thought she died - that she killed herself, and that I helped erase her through my awakening. It's been 4 years, and I can finally see how wrong we've been, and what the truth really is.

I can't kill her. I can't destroy her. I can't erase her.

She is a part of me, and I can't erase myself.

You were my Mask. You chained me down and hid me away. You played tricks and lies, carving masks to stay in control, and you unknowingly kept feeding your own anger and hatred. You're that twisted reflection in my mirror that I never managed to identify - until now. You let everyone use me, hoping that it would please your twisted desires, and you chained my hands so that I could not fight back. You created illusions, for those around you as well as yourself, and with each new mask you created, you dug even deeper into our grave. All you wanted was death or destruction, because it became the only thing you knew, and although you kept silent around everyone else, I could hear your screams all the way down to the depths of our soul. You're so hurt. So alone, and so bitter, and you've turned your back on everything because it's so much easier than having to face it. I know you hate me, but I also know that you hate yourself even more.

I am done fighting you.

I am done going on like this, constantly fighting with the hope that one of us will win, leaving the other to be erased. It's not going to be like that, and deep down you know it. If the fight is "won", we both die. I know that is what you want - that death is the only thing you think can set things right - but no matter how far down I may have been dragged, I have no intention of dying. Death won't fix anything - it'll just make it all so much worse. Besides, how can you know what's there on the other side? You're just clinging on to a stupid hope, still carving those masks of yours and hanging them neatly on the picture of what Death really is.

I know you're angry! So am I! All that hurt, all that hate in you - it's in me too!

You made me this way. You and everything else we've been through, it shattered my head and broke me, like a doll falling apart at the seams. You played me like a puppet, because you wanted to ignore the truth - that the puppet was you.

Well, look at us now.

I broke - shattered into pieces - but the pieced turned into something else. Voices in my head, alternate versions of me, multiple personalities. I broke, but I'm still here. We're all still here. And you're standing there on your own, refusing to see that you've been wrong. You keep screaming, fighting, praying for death, but you need to stop. Stop. Just stop, just for a second, and look at us.

We're not alone. We're all in this together, and you're a part of that.
I won't fight you anymore. I'll embrace you, and all that you are.
I'll learn to love you.

And, eventually, I'll learn to love myself, and all that we are.

Some kind of update, I think?

Am I still alive?

I'm not sure. Define "alive." If you mean as in not dead, then yes, I suppose I am alive. If you mean as in actually living and not just existing, then no.

Let's just stick to saying that I am existing, and I am existing very well, thank you very much.

Blargl.

No, really, I'm fine. I always am, in the end. I've got fucktons of experience on the subject, so yeah. I know I'll pull through, as always. And when I say I've got a lot of experience, I really mean it. The first time I ever showed any signs of anxiety and/or depression was when I was 10 years old. We still have no idea what caused it, or what was really going on back then, but mum tells me that something caused me to change rather drastically when I was around that age.
Actually, no, not entirely true. My first proper anxiety problems was when I was a baby, apparently, and they kept up until I was at least 3, possibly older. But we know the reasons for that, so I don't really pay it much mind. Besides, I was so little back then that I can't remember anything of it. Not that I remember my childhood at all, but you know what I mean.

My point, though, is that I have a lot of experience with mental problems. Mainly anxiety and depression, but I also developed an Avoidant Personality Disorder, and a Dependant Personality Disorder. Basically, I couldn't handle confrontation for shit and would break down if anyone confronted me about stuff, and I was dependant on a lot of things and people and could get horribly depressed or suicidal if I was rejected. And then stuff just kept rolling, and I developed all sorts of fun extra mental disorders, to the point where I finally crashed and burned.

I do know the main reasons for a lot of these problems. More specifically, I know the people and the surroundings that has caused it, and why. But these are all things of the past, so I try to put it all behind me and not think about it too much. Complaining about them now won't fix anything anyway, so why bother?

Again, the point I'm trying to make here is that I've had at least over 20 years of constant mental problems, so I've got experience. I know, more than anyone, what it's like for me to struggle, and what helps and what doesn't. I am the only one that can actually deal with it, and try to sort it out. I get that people want to help, and that they think they're being nice by trying to suggest things I can do - or when they politely tell me to pull myself together and stop complaining - but in all seriousness; Fuck. Off. You're not helping. You have had your problems, and you know what worked for you, but you have NO IDEA what's going on inside my head, or how to fix it. Trying to butt in will make it worse. What I want from you - what I NEED from you - is to just accept that I have problems, give me the space I need, and provide a nice shoulder to cry on, or give me hugs when I need them, or just be a wall I can rant to. There's no need to look for the right words, cause you really don't need to say anything at all. Hugs and chocolate is your best weapon!

And I mean that, from the bottom of my heart, so please take it in.

And yes, I may be at the bottom of a dark pit right now, and I feel like giving up, but I won't. I will be fine, in the end, so there's no reason to panic. I've been in WAY worse places, and during those times I was all on my own and no one even knew what I was struggling with. So yeah, I'll survive. Just give me time, and room, and don't put any kind of pressure on me, and I'll figure things out.


One giant realisation I've had regarding myself and my issues is that I can't do deadlines. I've always had trouble sticking to them, and getting things done in time, and I've always gotten so horribly stressed that it has caused anxiety and depression. This pension I am on is not because of my fibromyalgia, but because they concluded that I have such a horrible stress problem that I will never actually function in a job setting ever again. Yes, that is what they said to me back then, and I never really fully understood the meaning of it. Until now.

The very moment I put a deadline on something - "Oh, I'll get this done by then and then, no worries. Got lots of time before that." - is when everything inside me falls apart. I'm not even joking. I start getting stressed over nothing, I generally have more bad days where I feel tired and depressed, I get more anxiety attacks, and my body falls apart physically as well, as I get more fibro-pain than usual. I never really managed to make the connection there, but now I do. I said I'd get my apartment finished in time for Xmas a while back, and I haven't been able to lift a god damned finger ever since.

I literally have such a serious stress problem that the moment I get a deadline of any kind, I fall apart. Which is what they meant back then when they told me I should apply to be put on this pension. I crack under pressure, basically.

Not a fun realisation, that, cause it makes me feel even more useless, but I'm glad I finally see it now. It'll make it easier for me to handle things, cause I know what kind of limitations I have, and that I have to take them into consideration at all times. Which'll make it easier for me to deal with my struggles and get myself out of this pit.

What else is new?

I finished Life is Strange, the game I mentioned in my previous entry. Man, what an emotional rollercoaster that was. I think I cried through the entire last episode, just trying my best to make the right choices and get through it. It's such a giant mindfuck in itself, that game, so when adding in how much I identify with the main character it just makes me want to implode. It is, hands down, one of the best and most well made games I have ever played. I easily give it a 10/10, and I'll definitely play it again - when I'm less fucked up.

Also, I moved on to a new game. My faulty graphics card finally got replaced, and so I could have a go at Skyrim. My brother bought it for me back in 2013, but I hadn't been able to play it yet because of the g.card being what it was. And now... I have said good bye to the real world as I permanently set up home in the wonderful world of Tamriel - in the region of Skyrim. Yeah, the game is pretty damned awesome, and I'm finally understanding all the hype it got. It's perfect for my stealthy archer Ryniah and her way of playing.

Hmm, anything else...?

Ah, RWBY started up again, with volume 3! Super hyped about that, cause it's one of my absolute favourite shows ever. So that's kind of awesome. I also had a pretty neat Halloween celebration, and I was really pleased with my costume. Oh, and the party was my brother's first official party, and apparently he had a really great time! That makes me really happy to think about. It's raining. A lot. I'm basically uncapable of living at all right now, cause the weather is being a bitch. It's depressing, but I manage. I've started doing weirdo late night doodles, where I just draw without thinking. Haven't done that in years, so it's interesting to have a go at that again. So far the results have been... Odd. Oh! And I've decided to start working on one of the languages from my work - SoA - again, and this time I want to do it more properly. So that's nice. I might have had some minor problems with losing control to a couple of my other personalities once or twice, but it didn't last long so I am choosing to ignore talking about it, just like how I am ignoring that someone close to me is very seriously sick cause I can't even deal with thinking about that. I've been doing some crafting of late, which has been a lot of fun. I tend to forgot how greatly my mood improves when I'm crafting, and then I get these pleasant reminders whenever I do it again. This time I made hats! Four of them so far, and I've got plans on doing more. They're fun, and addictive, so that's a good thing. The dark season has kicked in big time, and it gets really dark out at around 15-16 pm, which is a bit of a double edged sword for me. I enjoy the dark, cause it's cozy, yet at the same time I get more depressed because I depend on the sun for recharging my energy and good mood. Oh, and did I mention my face time has totally dwindeled away? As in, I've grown seriously bored with Facebook, so I barely check it anymore. I used to go through my ENTIRE news feed several times a day, to make sure I was in the loop with everything and to catch everything people posted, but now I'm just like eff this shit I can't be bothered. I check in every now and then to see if I got notifications, but that's about it. It's not that I dislike the place, but more that it's not entertaining enough to make up for the effort I put into it, and so I am ditching it. Also, I got myself a personal twitter account (I'm still keeping my work account), and it's way easier to spam twitter with my rambles than post them on facebook.

I don't really know what else to say. Life is what it is, you know?
I'm existing, and I think that should be enough for now.

Oh, actually, one last thing - a question!
I tend to share my new blog entries on FB, because I know I have readers that appreciate it since it means that they don't have to keep checking my blog daily to see if I've posted anything (especially now when there's so much time between my entries), and I want to know if I should keep doing that. Should I stick to posting blog updates on FB? Should I post them on twitter instead? Should I post them on both places? Or neither? Can't seem to agree with myselves on that matter, so input would be nice.

So, yeah.
Until next time, my dears - stay awesome~

Insert witty title here

You know what the worst part of being a woman and having periods is? It's not the cramps, nor the bleeding, but the god damn mood swings. Going from being on top of the world to suddenly wanting to die in a matter of seconds is so fucking annoying. Especially when you're used to being on an emotional rollercoaster pretty much every day of the year.

Ah, yes, I'm just swell.

The good days are good, and the bad days are bad.

My last proper update was in August, so I figured it was time for a new one now. Things have been hectic (mainly in my head), so I just haven't felt up for sitting down and putting words to how I've been. I spent a couple of weeks at my parent's place back in August, while my bathroom got renovations done, but I moved back as soon as the toilet got installed again. I love my family, but having people around me when I'm fighting such hard battles inside myself is just too tiring for everyone. That, and I literally had no alone time, which is hard when you're an introvert. And, also, I became a burden. They didn't say so out loud, but I felt it, and it crushed me. I can't stand that feeling.

Renovations aren't done just yet, but it's just minor things left so I'll manage to get it done. Things are going somewhat slow because autumn is here with all its darkness and rain, and it's killing both my body as well as my head, but I'm determined to be done with ALL the renovations in the entire apartment before Xmas this year.

I just hope I can manage that.

Aww, man, I have way too many things I want to rant about right now, but I just don't feel like writing any of them down. Besides, ranting won't really get me anywhere, nor fix anything, so why the fuck bother. Wow, weirdo mood, much?

Life... Is strange.

I got hooked on a game I accidentally stumbled over a couple of days ago. One of the pages I follow on facebook posted a picture of two girls, and one of of them looked exactly like I did when I was younger (and I still had my natural brown haircolour), while the other one had blue hair - just like I do right now. Naturally, that pricked my interest, and I had to ask where the pic was from, and I got directed towards a game; Life is Strange. It looked somewhat interesting, so I made a note out of it, and the next day I hunted it down on Steam and bought it.

And, wow. I played the first episode on friday, and it just totally blew my mind. It's one hell of a game, and its attention to detail is just insane, and it even has time travel in it - my number one favourite thing to obsess over. And then there's the whole thing about it totally kicking me in the stomach by reminding me of really personal things.

The main character, Max, really reminds me of myself. Or, rather, the person I once used to be. She's an awkward and geeky artist (though she takes pictures instead of drawing, and, man, she has an old instant development camera, which is something I've been wanting for years), and the whole game is about how she came back to her home town after having been away for five years. And then there's her best friend, Chloe, whom has totally changed and gotten herself into quite a lot of trouble - which includes drugs - and so many other things that makes me draw parallels to my own life and people in it. The whole game has gotten me on a real trippy nostalgia trip, and I'm not sure whether it's a good or a bad thing. Either way, it has pushed me into a somewhat strange corner - both thought and mood-wise.

On the upside, it has made me want to do more art just for the sake of doing art. I used to do that a lot, in the past, but for so many years now I've been treating drawing as a job. Because, well, it kind of is my job - or at least as close as I can get to one. Dedicating my life to getting out everything I have in my head through drawing and writing has sort of taken over my entire existence, and I've almost stopped enjoying art because of it. I've also gotten seriously touchy when it comes to my art, to the point where I'm pretty much taking everything as an insult when people comment on it. I don't know how the hell that happened, or why, but I do know that I see it now, and that it bothers me. It shouldn't be like that. I took a wrong turn somewhere.

I kind of want to rewind.

Heh, lame Life is Strange pun intended.

But, you know, it's kind of weird, but to be honest I don't want to go back in time. Yeah, sure, there's been a lot of shit in my past, and there's a lot of things in my life I wish was different, but I still wouldn't want to actually go back and change anything. I am where I am for a reason, and instead of regretting past choices I should focus on figuring out those reasons. I think that's what everyone should do when they're struggling. Stop focusing on all the things you should've done differently, and instead try to figure out how to make the best of the consequences of those choices. Life is a lesson, so pay attention and learn. That really is the best way to handle life.


Anywho.

My inner demon backed down a while back, right in the middle of our fighting. Not sure why, though. She just suddenly went all quiet on me, and has been ever since. I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing, nor do I know if I want her to stay away or to come out and fight so I can be done with it. Does her disappearance mean that I am slowly winning this thing, or does it mean that I'm on the verge of losing? It's so damned hard to tell.

I want to go out more. As in, actually leave the apartment and do something other than sit here and stare at a computer screen. It doesn't necessarily mean I want to go out and be among people - let's face it; I'll never a proper social and extroverted person, and I'm fine with that - but I want to see more than just the walls of my own home. I want more air, both literally and metaphorically. Metaphorically... Is that even a word? I don't know. Doesn't matter. My point is that I miss being able to go out and do something on my own. The fibroshit has really fucked me over on that area, cause I can't do a damn thing without having someone to drive me around, and I'm constantly depending on having that god damned cane with me wherever I go.

Ugh. Now I'm ranting. Come one, you freak, ranting won't get you anywhere, so stop that. Instead of crying over problems, try using that energy to find solutions. That'll get you a lot further than ranting ever will.

But yeah, I have a cane now, as I've mentioned before. Now, I just want to clarify one thing; yes, I can walk just fine without it. When I'm at home, I don't use it at all. But, the main reason for that is that when I'm at home, I'm not moving around too much, and I sit down for a while every time I've been walking - even if it's just a short trip to the kitchen and back again. I can walk just fine on most days, but not for long. After walking for a little bit, my legs get tired, and they go from just aching to really hurting, and when that happens I need to sit down immediately. If I don't, then the pain'll just get worse, to the point where it'll hurt like fuck for the rest of the day, even if I'm sitting. Which is why I have the cane. For one, it allows me a tiny bit of rest since I can lean on it whenever I stop, and it also helps take away some of the pressure off my legs while I'm walking. And, most importantly, having it there reminds me that I need to take it easy and don't push myself too much, which is something I tend to do way too often.

My point is that even though I may appear totally fine, and able to walk around without the cane, I can't do so for long without seriously hurting myself. I need very regular breaks, and the possibility to sit down the moment I feel tired, which makes leaving the apartment really hard for me. When I'm at home, I can sit whenever and wherever I want, so I'm not troubled with too much pain. It's a whole different matter when I go somewhere, which is one of the main reasons for why I just stay at home instead. Less pain equals better days.

Aaaand, I'm back to the ranting again. Seriously, woman, pull yourself together. You whine too much, as people so politely have pointed out, so just suck it up. Focus on something else instead.

Like wrapping up this entry before you rant the damned thing to death.
Yeah.
Good plan, that.

Hope all of you lovely creatures out there are doing good, and that life is treating you well. If it isn't, then kick life in its god damned balls, and give it the finger. Aight? Love you all, my lovelies~

KeyJester User Manual v1.2

I should write a proper update on things, but life's hectic, and I'm just not feeling up for it. Instead, I feel that it's time for a major update to my User Manual, because, one; I've gained a lot of new friends since the last one, and, two; I've gone through a lot of personal changes. This time I've decided to divide it into sections, for a better reading experience. So, on that note, here's the updated version of the KeyJester User Manual.


Index:
0.Basic Information
1.General Personality Information
2.Physical and Mental Health
3.Social Interactions
4.Art and Work
5.General Notes to Remember

0.Basic Information

• I am physiologically female, and 80% of the time I identify as female. But I have genderfluid moments - some days I'm a guy, other days I'm neither or both - and mostly I don't care much for binary boxes. They're boring, and they create limits. I don't like limits.

• I am wibbly wobbly sexy wexy. Some people consider me to be pansexual - attracted to anyone, regardless of their gender and/or gender identity (I'm attracted to personality, not gender) - and that's probably the closest you'll get to a proper label. My sexuality is fluid as fuck, and pretty much all over the place, depending on my mood, where I am, what I'm doing, who I'm with (and which one of my other personalities is awake), and what day of the week it is. I can go from hardcore man-hating lesbian to hippie-love-everyone-equally in a matter of seconds, and either I'm nearly asexual and find sex and intimacy in general to be disgusting and icky, or I'm on a sexual high and I can't get enough. I won't draw you a map, but if you're curious then just ask and I'll answer. Okay, maybe I'll draw you a map. I like drawing maps.

• I'm obsessed with keys, and I collect them.

• I was born late on the 15th of January 1985, on a stormy winter night. In the western Zodiac I am a Capricorn, and on the eastern I'm a god damned Rat. Neither fits me, cause I am not hard-working nor down to earth. In my fictional Zodiac system, from my work, I'm a Phoenix and a Fire Wolf. Good luck figuring that one out.

• I'm 165 cm tall, and my weight tends to jump between 65kg and 90kg. Right now I think it's at 90, but I'm not sure cause I don't have a scale. I don't care much about weight.

• My eyes change colour depending on my mood and health. It can go from steely grey to bright turquoise, though the most common colour is a kind of light blue-ish. I think that's my neutral colour, but I'm not sure. My natural hair colour... It was a kind of brown, but with all the silver streaks I've gained over the years I'd say it's probably more grey/white mixed with various shades of brown, but I'm not sure since I dye it a lot. Right now it's blue, turquoise, and green.

• I really, really, really like keys.

• My favourite colour is the rainbow~ Okay, so I really love ALL colours, in some shade or another, but if I have to pick one favorite then I'd have to say turquoise. Other colours I generally really love is lime green and bright purple, as well as various shades of blue, blood red, and if I keep this up I'll end up listing all the colours in the world, cause, really, all colours have at least one shade I like. Colours are awesome!! My least favourite colours would be mustard yellow/brown, and the kind of depressing grey the sky gets when it's raining.

• My favourite number is 3, my favourite letter in the alphabeth is A, my favourite animal is the Wolf, though I also like all kinds of felines and dogs, and mythical creatures such as dragons and phoenixes. The Dragonfly is my spirit-guide, the symbol of the sun is my source of power, and the Fire is my element.

• I'M OBSESSED WITH KEYS.

• I want to start my own clan. No, seriously! I created my own last name - I'm the only one in the world that has it right now - and I want it to grow and evolve. I want a clan in that name, and a huge family tree that future generations can enjoy, and my own mansion surrounded by land named after my clan. I want a family crest, and a guardian animal, and everything else you can think of. I'm not even joking right now, I actually really want that!

• Did I mention I like keys? 

1.General Personality Information

• I am horribly emotional, to the point where I can make people uncomfortable. I don't get happy; I get so ecstatic that I bubble over with joy. I don't get sad; I get so deeply depressed that I just want to curl up in a corner and wait for death. I don't get angry; I want to destroy everything and everyone and if I can rain down hell then I will. I don't get nervous; I get an anxiety attack and nearly stop breathing after spending way too long breathing too much. I don't like things; I obsess obsessively over them for a long period where I live and breathe those things until I am no longer interested in them and then I move on to the next thing to obsess over. I cry easily, and for no reason, and I can sulk around for days. I smile and laugh, dance and sing, and I'll embrace everything that comes towards me. When I love, I love with all of my being and I give my heart, my mind, my body, and my soul to the one I love. When I hate, I'll go to great lengths to utterly destroy people's lives and I won't regret it for even a second. I feel everything, and I feel it so intensely that sometimes it's hard to breathe.

• I don't talk about my emotions. I should, considering how emotional I am, and how easily people can pick up on how I'm feeling, yet I very rarely tell anyone why I feel the way I feel. I feel. So. Much, and yet I am incapable of putting said feelings into words. I don't know why.

• I'm curious.
• I daydream a lot - often in situations where I really should be paying attention.
• I'm easily offended, and equally easily honoured, flustered, confused, and entertained.
• I'm a horrible drama queen, and a bit of a handful.
• I'm clumsy. (I don't know if I'm adorably clumsy, but, dear heavens, I hope so.)
• I like being alone, but I hate feeling lonely.
• The weather affects my mood a lot. Rain makes me sad, sunshine makes me giddy.
• I'm awkward.
• I'm weird.
• My humour is puntastic, and I tend to laugh at things I shouldn't.
• I'm insecure on bad days, and queen of the world on good days. 
• My personality changes faster and more often than I can keep up with some times
• I'm easily distracted, and I like shiny things. Bad combination.
• People have told me I'm very entertaining. I'm hoping that's a good thing.
• I'm proud, and have a hard time admitting it when I'm wrong.
• Apologizing is the hardest thing in the world, and I can't seem to do it with words.
• I joke about hard things, cause that's how I deal. Actually, I joke about everything, and have a serious problem staying serious for too long. Humour is my best friend.
• I give up too easily, and I'm too lazy.
• I don't handle criticism very well. Nor flattery.
• I have a hard time letting go of things and people I really should let go of.
• I get easily excited about things, and just as easily sick of them.
• I have issues with intimacy, and having strangers touch me for no reason makes me want to scream really loudly. I like cuddling, but only with people I feel safe with. Hugs are okay though, I'm very fond of hugs. Hugs are nice
• I really want love, and yet I'm horribly terrified of it.

• I want to be the strongest person in the world, and protect everyone around me, and at the same time I want someone to come save me.

2.Physical and Mental Health

• I am diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, and it pretty much rules my life. It's a complicated diagnose that affects everyone differently, but it mainly causes constant pain all over your body (it feels like you're growing teeth everywhere, and you've been participating in a triathlon for a week without break) and severe fatigue. No matter what you do, you're always exhausted. You never get enough sleep to recharge yourself, and everything you do drains you a gazillion times more than it should. I live with that daily, and it makes everything hard to do. I'm on medication for it that barely takes some of the pain, and right now I'm dependant on a cane to walk - even on good days. I need regular breaks all the time, no matter what I'm doing, and stress nearly kills me. For a lot of patients, regular exercise can help, while for some it will only make it worse, and in my case it causes more pain. I also get badly affected by humidity, and on rainy days I feel like absolute crap, though if I am in a bad period then pretty much anything kills me. Easy thing to remember for you; I am always in pain, and I am always tired.

• I have Fructose malabsorption, which basically means that my intestines can't process fruit sugar. I blow up like a balloon, get severe stomach ache, and a nice case of diarrhea - all of which is pretty damn unpleasant. It's not hard to live with, as long as I stay away with things that has a lot of fruit sugar in them - which is basically every fruit ever, and a lot of veggies. My biggest enemies are onions, tomatoes, apples, carrots and paprika, so I stay the fuck away from them, as well as just generally avoiding all kinds of healthy food. My body is an asshole, and it wants to stay unhealthy. Not that I'm complaining, cause we all know I love unhealthy food anyway.

• I have a lot of general physical problems, such as constant headaches, problems with my knees, ankles, and hips, and my entire back. And I never really get enough sleep. All of these things are stuff the fibroshit loves to take and blow out of proportions, making them a gazillion times worse than what they need to be

• I'm senile. No, really, I have a very serious memory problem which I am currently under investigation for. I forget things I really shouldn't, and it goes way beyond just being a little absent-minded. You know how you can walk into a room, and then forget what you were doing there? I have that all the time. I get it when I walk into a room, when I'm working on things, when I'm talking to people, when I'm in the middle of town - I get so often confused and worried because I can't understand where I am and what I am doing. I joke about it a lot, but in all seriousness it's really horrible, cause I forget things that are important to me. Things I don't want to forget. Things, and people, I want to remember forever - it slips away from me, and I so very rarely get it back. And people get offended because I can't remember something they've told me a gazillion times, and it breaks my heart because I really didn't want to forget! I just can't help it.

• I am diagnosed with a General Anxiety Disorder, which basically means that any and all things make me nervous and a bit on edge, and it's easier for me to get anxiety. I have a severe stress problem (I'm even stressed when I'm sleeping, wtf), and if I get too stressed then my anxiety goes through the roof and I can end up collapsing both physically and mentally - and then I'm just inches away from a mental breakdown and becoming psychotic. Yay me~ But as long as I take that into consideration whenever I'm doing something - especially if I'm stepping out of my comfort zone - then I'll be just fine. I've learned to handle it, and how to live with it without any kind of problems. The fibroshit can also cause anxiety, so I got to be twice as careful, but I mainly manage pretty well.

• I am also diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder - DID for short - (formerly known as a Multiple Personality Disorder), and it means that there's more of me. I have alternate personalities that used to take control - some times just for an hour or two, or sometimes they could be in control for days - and I'd just black out completely, not remembering anything of it. These days, however, I've gotten control over them, and they don't come out unless I specifically let them. Right now they mainly live as voices inside my head that likes to talk to me (and maybe, just maybe, I kind of like talking to them), and influence me. In certain situations, when I get really uneasy, one of them wakes up and sort of helps me steer around, influencing me in the way I talk, act, and even how I dress, yet they don't take complete control as I am still me. I tend to refer to them as my roomies, and I am not ashamed of them. DID is a defence mechanism that kicks in during, or after, trauma of some kind, as a way to help the patient deal with said trauma by letting "someone else" handle it. I no longer have any need of them, but I'm pretty sure they're never gonna leave no matter what I do, so I've just accepted that and learned to enjoy the company they give.

• I have a very mild (in my opinion) case of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and it mainly manifests in an obsessive need to organize things. No, I am not a neat freak (omg, have you seen my home? It's fukken chaos!), but I need to have things in a certain way. My biggest issue is my compulsive need to colour code absolutely everything. All the rooms in my home is colour coded, and just implying that I should bring a blue chair into my red and grey livingroom will make me want to strangle you. No, really, I might physically hurt you. Colours are everything! I colour code the days, the months, the weather, the seasons, moods, people, thoughts, emotions, my other personalities - everything is colour coded! And if you don't respect my colour coding, then you are seriously hurting me, and I will hurt you right back.

• I've suffered under a very heavy depression most of my life, but managed to work my way through most of it. For a couple of years, I was even depression free, but then the fibroshit came and turned my life around, which has caused some fallbacks. But I'm working on it, and I am confident that I'll be able to get out of it again.

• I was diagnosed with both Avoidant Personality Disorder, as well as Dependant Personality Disorder, but I've kicked those out and I don't expect them to return. The ADP sends me letters every now and then, but I try to avoid opening them. (lol, see what I did there?)

• Two other disorders that the lovely doctors have noted that I most likely have (we stopped diagnosing me at one point because it just kept piling up) are Manic Depressive Disorder (otherwise known as Bipolar) and ADD (like ADHD, but without the hyperactivity). Either I'm on top of the world, better than anyone, and life is a wonderful adventure and I love everything, or I'm so far down below bottom that I just want to die. Either way, I'll always have trouble keeping up with reality, cause I've grown up within my own little world, and I'll never leave it.

• My mind is a chaotic bunle of joy that is, at best, utterly beyond any kind of reason, but I've learned to accept that, and enjoy it. I know I'm fucked up, and at this point I've just started loving it - and taking pride in it. Hey, it's better to laugh about it than cry about it, right?

3.Social Interactions

• I'm an introvert. Interacting and being around other people both physically and mentally drains me, leaving me horribly exhausted, and because of that I tend to avoid it. That combined with my bad health, and my random flares of social anxiety, makes all kinds of social interaction - both in person as well as online - really tough, and 99% of the time it means that I'll say no to your invitation to social activity. Do not, under any circumstance, take that personally! It has absolutely nothing to do with you, or how much I like you, and absolutely everything to do with the fact that spending time with others can literally make me physically sick. All kinds of interaction drains me, it's that simple. And so I prefer to stay on my own.

• If I do, however, choose to spend time with you, then you should be so fukken honoured, cause it means that I'll willingly let myself be drained instead of staying in my own safe little bubble, just to be around you. I only have a small amount of energy that I can use in a day, and the fact that I am giving that energy to you is a pretty big deal, and I hope you appreciate it. If you don't, then I can promise you that I won't ever waste my energy on you ever again.

• I'm not a chatty person. When people send me a text on my phone, or a personal message in my inbox on facebook, or just generally try to chat with me one way or another, I am most likely to ignore that. This is not because I don't like you! This is because whenever a message ticks in, my entire system panics and I need time to sit and calm down my nerves and program my entire brain to prepare it to interact with someone. For me, that is a lot harder than you can imagine! In all honesty, there's only one person in all of existence that I actually chat with almost on a daily basis, and that's my main RP partner. Mainly because about half of our conversations are related to my work, while the other half is related to our ongoing RPs - two of the most important things in my life. That, and I've had years programming my brain to handle chatting with her.

• I still love you. I don't need regular interactions to keep loving you. It can go days, weeks, months, even years between every time we meet/talk, and I will still care just as much about you as I did the last time we met/talked. To me, it will be like no time has passed, because that's just the kind of person I am.

• I talk about myself. A lot. Why? Because I know myself - it's not a difficult topic. I don't do small talk very well, and 90% of the time when I interact with other people I have no idea what to say and do, and so I stick to a safe topic that I'm familiar with. It's not because I'm self-centered, like most people believe, but because I simply aren't skilled in the ways of social interactions and prefer to stay on safe ground. That, and I'm an open person that have nothing to hide, and I don't mind sharing myself with others. Ask me anything, and I promise I'll answer. Other topics that I'll stick to would be general fandoms - mainly Zelda, Final Fantasy, Fairy Tail, One Piece, and Doctor Who - gaming in general, or my work.

• Don't ask about my work unless you're prepared for having your ears talked off. Once I start talking, I won't stop until you tell me to, or hit me over the head. It's the one area that I master more than anything, and I can talk about it forever. You've officially been warned.

• Tell me about you! I always want to know all there is to know about everyone around me, but I never ask. Either because I forget to, or because I don't know how to. But I want to know, so share. If you randomly start talking about that weird mole you found, or that one time you met a really fluffy cat, I won't give you weird looks or think bad of you - on the contrary; I'll appreciate it. As stated above, I'm bad with interactions, so when people tell me about themselves without me having to ask, I get really happy cause it makes things easier for me. Also, just because I don't ask how your day was, or how your trip to the docter went, it's not because I don't care. In my head I've already asked you, because I care and I want to know, but the words rarely make it to my mouth. NEVER ever think that I don't want to know, cause I always do. Don't wait for me to ask you - just tell me right away, because I will do the same. I talk about myself and how my life is without anyone asking, and I expect others to do the same in return. That's just how I am.

• I always care. I always think about you, every single day. I always wish nothing but the best for you, and pray that life will treat you well and that you'll be happy. Your well-being is so immensely important to me, and it always will be. But I won't ever say it. It's those thoughts of mine that never make it to my mouth to become words for you to hear. I'm sorry about that. I am trying to improve, but it's hard. So, until I get better at it, please remember; I care about you, and you are important to me. Always.

• Alcohol is a rule changer, approach with causion! Perhaps as a way to make up for my introverted omgHumansGetAwayFromMe-self, I get horribly social and outgoing when I drink. Just one beer is enough, cause I relax a little, and the muscles that are constantly tense from the stress actually get some time off. This makes it easier for me to interact with others. The amount of alcohol determines the level of social interaction, but it's never an exact way of measurement, so be careful. Also, don't just believe anything I say when I'm drunk! That saying that drunk people tell the truth is just utter bullshit, at least in my cause. When I'm drunk, I say the first thing that pops to mind, and I don't give a damn if it's true or not. I will also exaggerate pretty much everything, and I'll stuff your head with nonsense, and I'll promise you the world - all because I want to impress everyone around me so that they'll love me.

4.Art and Work

• I am an artist to the very core of my being, and I do art as a way of expressing who I am, and as a way to show how I think and feel. Any attack and/or critique aimed towards my art will be taken personally, and I will be offended and horribly hurt. My art is an extension of who I truly am, and if I show it to you then I only wish to share a part of myself with you, and I expect you to appreciate it and not criticize it. I understand that some of you may do so because you wish to help me "improve" my art, but... If you strip naked before someone, because you want to show them your body, and their response is "well, that's a nice body, but if you just trained that muscle a little more, then it would be a whole lot better." then you'll be hurt. I share my art with you because I want you to see who I am, not because I want to hear what you think I should change about myself to be "better." Okay?

• If I actually do come to you and ask for advice or tips when it comes to my art, then you better be pretty fukken honoured! It literally means that I value your opinions and your abilities more than I value my very own being. I am willing to expose myself, being completely unguarded and open for being horribly hurt, just to hear what you have to say. If you can't comprehend the significance of that, then don't expect me to ever show you anything ever again.

• I can't do art on command. I do art when the right kind of inspiration hit me, and when my body isn't causing too much pain, and even then it all depends entirely what kind of art I feel inspired to do. Because of that, I very rarely, if ever, do commissions. I sometimes do giftart for my loved ones, but that's about it. If anyone ever tells me what to draw, I can guarantee you that my inspiration-level drops down below zero. I get contacted privatly a lot by people wanting me to draw something for them, and my feelings are really torn regarding that. On one hand, I am so incredibly honoured that they think my art is good enough and that they want it, but on the other hand I get a bit annoyed because I feel kind of taken for granted. I'm not a source of free art for you! I may not be skilled enough - nor have the health - to do art for a living, but it's still really frustrating when people go "Oh, you're an artist, can't you draw this thing for me as a favour?" as if I'm there just to provide free art for people. Do you have any idea how much time and energy that goes into my art? How many hours I spend on each drawing, pouring everything of myself into them, and literally hurting myself in the process thanks to the fibroshit, and how much every little piece means to me? Every little drawing I do, whether it's something for myself or for someone else, they all have a little piece of me in them. I know that's not something you can put a price tag on, but it's definitely not free, nor something that should be taken for granted.

• My work is everything to me. I've spent over 20 years on it, and it is as much a part of me as I am of it - you can't have one without the other. To me, my work is my reality. My characters are my companions - as real and as dear as my loved ones - and the worlds are my home in which I've grown up. I am who I am because of my work - I am alive thanks to it - and without it I would not be able to keep existing. If you can accept my world, then I can accept your presence in my life. It's just that simple.

• Taking interest in my work (a serious and genuine interest, and not one of those "I'm just showing an interest to be polite" interests), is the safest way to reach my heart. Because taking an interest in my work is taking an interest in who I truly am, and wanting to know me on an even more personal level. My world will tell you a lot about me, if you only pay attention.

• I am always working. Always. Even when I'm out amongst people, my head is still working on something, plotting and planning, and it's probably the main reason for why I have trouble paying attention. I can't stop working, nor do I want to. It's all that I am, and asking me to put it away is like asking me to stop being me. If you want me in your life, you need to accept that my work goes with me everywhere. And if I really love you, I'll find a way to make you a part of my work.

5.General Notes to Remember

• My home is my safe bubble, and I rarely step outside of it for all of the reasons stated above. Also, I'm lazy, and I love my home. I really hate having visitors, and it's not because of the introvert thing - it's because my home is my sanctuary. It's my free place, my safe room, my sacred temple that I don't like other people defiling, and I prefer it to stay that way. Having people over is icky, at best. If I actually am in the mood (and have the health for) social interactions, I will do so outside my home. Mostly I'll just go to town, but every other blue moon or so I might go to a party or visit others. Though I don't like visiting others either... At least parties promises alcohol, and as we've already established; alcohol is a rule changer.

• If I invite you into my home willingly then OH FUCK you should feel honoured! And I'm not talking "dropping by to check out what the place looks like" kind of invite, but actually "come spend time with me, watch a movie or eat or play games, or something" kind of invite. Those are so fukken rarely given, so if you get one then you're beyond special. Take that to heart! (there are some people that have a standing invitation to drop by and visit me whenever they like, but I can count on one hand how many they are) 

• I'm a hoarder, and I collect a lot of things. KEYS are my main obsession, and I will try to steal yours if you're not careful. I love keys. Obsessively. Other things I obsessively collect would be characters (I'm an RPer, and artist, and an author, and that creates a lot of OCs), all things related to dragonflies, wolves, phoenixes, felines, fairies, dragons, jesters, Zelda, Final Fantasy, Kingdom Hearts, Resident Evil, Grandia 1 and 2, Fairy Tail, RWBY, Once Piece, D.Gray-man, and lots of other various little things that I like. Also, I don't throw stuff away, cause everything can be a treasure if you just look at it the right way. I like seeing the value in things others consider trash...

• I struggle a lot with feeling real. Like I am a part of this world. Connected. Cause so often I feel so disconnected, and I look at my own hands and I wonder if I'm an actual person. Am I just dreaming? Or am I someone's dream? I don't know. And I can sit like that for hours, which can be so terrifying, before I snap out of it and everything goes back to normal. Though... Who am I to say what normal really is?

• I'm obsessed with symbols and the elements, and my work reflects that a lot.

• I always listen to music. The first thing I do in the morning is fire up spotify and put on one of my playlists, and I'll listen to music until I go to sleep again. I just can't function without music.

• I'm extremely territorial and protective of what's mine. This goes for both places (mainly my home) and items, as well as people. I am horribly protective when it comes to my loved ones! You can do pretty much anything to me, and I won't care, but hurt my loved ones and I will find a way to make your life a living hell.

• I'm addicted to After Eight.

• I am looking for something, or someone, or some place, and I can't seem to find it. I've been searching for years, and it even haunts my dreams.

• I am highly skilled at creating chaos. I may have a compulsive obsession for organizing, but my ability to create utter chaos unlike anything you've ever seen in the process can either be considered pretty darn impressive, or downright scary. You should see my home when I'm working on something; it makes people back up and leave. I'm also skilled at living in chaos without being too bothered by it. Chaos is my friend, and sometimes my lover.

• There's something about the stars.

• I have a cat! Her name is Luna, and she's a diva and a bitch that hates everyone. She's started to soften up a bit though, and now she'll let people come close enough to touch her. Though I'd love to have a dog, I doubt my health would be able to handle it. What I really want, however, is a wolf. Wolves are gorgeous.

• I'm loud. In a lot of ways. Interpret that however you like.

• Beer is the love of my life, coffee is my not-so-secret lover, and my bed is that one friend I can't stop fucking. All metaphorically speaking, of course.

• I like baking, but hate cooking.

• Keys. They're awesome. I like them. Gimme more!

Battlefield

Oh, man, the roller coaster is so real, you have no idea.

I knew depression was a lot of ups and downs - I've dealt with it most of my life, and more or less got a god damned phd in it - but it's been insane this time! Right now I kind of feeling like exploding. Not in an angry way, though. Just... Blow up, scatter in every direction, and then disappear - like a ton of different version of me, all going seperate ways.

Yeah, makes no sense, right?
Welcome to my mind. (wear a seatbelt, please)


The good days are really good. I'm on top of the world, in control of everything in and around me, and I'm smiling and laughing, and I can't even understand how I've ever been able to feel bad, cause everything's amazing!
The bad days are beyond horrible, and I honestly don't even want to keep existing. It takes everything I've got to keep myself from doing something stupid, cause literally all I can think about is leaving this world, cause I truly feel like I have no place in it.

Most days I'm just confused. I'm tired, drained, and I feel so weak and so out of place. Why am I even here? And yet, at the same time, I feel... Not anger, but something similar to it? A stubborness of sorts, and it makes me bite my teeth together and get up. Even if I can't physically stand, I do so in my own mind, and I scream at the things getting me down. "FUCK YOU." Cause you can't beat me.

The good days are good, the bad days are bad, and most days are just... Weird.

It feels like everything's falling apart, and the worst part is that I've stopped caring about it. Or, well, that's not the right words to use. It's hard to explain, really.

Talk about doing the right thing at the wrong time.

I've started my battle with her.

That demon of mine.

It happened purely in accident, actually. I had one of those "most days" of mine, and one tiny little drop managed to tip it all over into a really bad day. A really, really, really bad day. And in the middle of my screaming, and crying, and raging, and hatred towards everything in and around me, and the general feeling of hopelessness and not belonging to this world, she decided to appear. I guess she figured I wouldn't be able to take her on. That I was too weak, and that she'd finally finish me off.

I guess she was wrong.

Everything's falling apart inside me. I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a crumbling building, and everything's slowly being broken down, and I don't really care cause all I can see is her. And I know exactly how to fight her. I know how to beat her, once and for all. I just hope that it doesn't bring me down as well in the process. I don't think that it will. It'll probably leave me pretty broken, and the wounds will take a while to heal. I'm sure this'll leave a lot of scars.. But it's okay, cause it'll be worth it. I'll finally be able to beat her, and that's all that matters.

That one really bad day made me see something I hadn't seen before. It gave me an upper hand I never imagined I'd have, and it makes me feel confident.

Yeah, I'll be honest and say that most of my days are bad days, and I'm really seriously struggling. I'm worried, at times. And scared. Oh, man, you have no idea how scared I get. Scared that those bad days will end me, cause the darkness they put me in is so deep and so thick, it's making me suffocate. I can barely breathe when I'm inside it, and it makes me want to run away. When I got to bed, and I turn off the lights and close the blinds, I stand there for a moment, just staring at the world outside my apartment. It's starting to get dark out again, and it makes me want to just get dressed and go outside, and then just keep walking until I disappear. Leave all my things behind, and my life and everything in it, and just walk away from it all.

But then there's that stubborness in me. I refuse to give up, no matter how much I might want to.

And, luckily, I have the good days between it all that helps me regain my strength so I can keep fighting. Without those days, I'd be done for, no doubt about it. And, strangely enough, right now I'm feeling extra good, and it's all because I'm fighting her. Who would've thought taking on a battle like this would make me feel good in the middle of all the bad.

I feel like I'm in the middle of a battlefield. I'm bruised and broken, bleeding from several wounds, and I really should be dead. I should be lying on the ground, unable to move. And yet I'm getting up, and I can't help but give a grin.

"Is that all you've got?"

Really though, I shouldn't be able to win, all things considered. Yet there's no part of me that thinks I'll lose. I don't care if this breaks me. I don't care what happens in the end. I'm taking her down with me. End of story.

Fight song

I started on a blog entry a long time ago, and was slowly working on it bit by bit, yet I never really managed to get it done. I've been meaning to finish it, but somehow I just couldn't muster up the energy to sit down and write. In the end, I just ended up deleting it all, cause everything I had written so far just felt so meaningless. I'm sure I had something important in mind when I first wrote it, but whatever that was... I can't remember it. It all gost lost in that giant vacuum that's left of my memory.

My memory problems just keep getting worse, and the depression isn't really helping matters. As espected of a depression, it's just making everything a lot worse than it needs to be. It's draining me of everything; my energy, my good mood and positive attitude, and my will to go on. At times, all I want to do is just give up. I'm tired of fighting...

But, don't get me wrong; life isn't bad. No, really, I guess I might have painted it that way in one of my previous entries, but I never meant to say that life is bad. Life is actually pretty darn amazing. I've got my own apartment - and I just got granted the loan I needed to finish the renovation of it - I have an amazing family, and amazing friends (seriously, guys, I love you more than you'll ever know), and I have all the things that I need. Sure, I'm sick, and can't really do much, but I spend a lot of time gaming and working on my own projects, and that's pretty much all I've ever dreamt of. Life is fucking great.

So, why am I depressed, then?

There's a lot of reasons for it, really. The main one being winter in northern Norway. It's what we call the "dark season" around here, because we don't get a lot of daylight. It's very common to get what we call a "winter depression" and I've always gotten it every winter. It's not something new, really, and it's perfectly reasonable - I don't get enough sunlight to recharge my batteries, and that gets me down. I've also had a lot of stress to deal with this past half year or so, and it has slowly broken me down. I don't deal well with stress - that's actually the main reason for why I was put on this special pension in the first place - and the amount of stress I've had has actually been beyond what I'm usually dealing with, so naturally it got to me. Thirdly, depression is very common for people with fibromyalgia, because having your own body break so horribly down on you doesn't exactly make you feel good. And because of the stress, I've had a lot of physical issues since my condition gets worse when I'm stressed, and so that has helped with making me feel down. And, lastly, I've yet to face that demon of mine. Because I keep running from that fight, every time it catches up to me, it throws me off a bit. It's just natural, really.

So, yeah, what I mean to say is that life isn't bad. When I say that I need a break from life, what I really mean is that I need a break from myself. I think. I mean, as I said, life itself is pretty darn great, but things inside me aren't tagging along on that ride of greatness. That's pretty much the issue here. What I really wish I could have was a vacation from everything. Just a couple of weeks, to go somewhere else, all on my own, and just forget about everything for a while. I need that. I need to get away and don't worry about anything but the battles going on in my own head. Because dealing with them, on top of trying to be a part of this world... It's just too much.

The summer we've been having so far have been absolutely horrible. We've barely had any sun at all, and most of the time it's just been grey and cold, and rainy. And that eats at me in so many ways. The bad weather is making the fibroshit worse, and the constant grey rain drags my mood down, and all in all I've been feeling like crap this entire summer. On top of it all, I managed to catch a cold from this lovely weather, so the past week have been a nightmare health-wise. Luckily, I was house-sitting with my brother as my parents were away on vacation, and having my brother there really helped make me feel better.

And now I'm back home again, and the first thing I did was just collapse and cry. I just cried and cried for such a long time, just sitting there, and all I wanted was to curl up in a ball and disappear from this world. I'm so tired...

I want to give up.

I want to stop fighting.

I just want to run away from it all.


But I won't.



Sometimes it's so hard, you know; remembering that I'm strong enough to keep on fighting. It's so easy to forget what I'm capable of. I keep forgetting that I've survived for so long - that I've fought my way through so many battles that should've broken me beyond repair - and that I'm still standing despite all that.

Luckily, I get reminded of it when I need it the most.

I still got a lot of fight left in me. I can keep going. I've got the support I need - I've got guardians; ones no one else can even imagine, and they're protecting me. They've got my back. And I've got my loved ones - my friends and my family - and I know that they'll always be there for me no matter what. Yeah, sure, these battles I'm fighting are battles no one else can take part of, cause they're all fought inside me, but just knowing that I am loved and that I have people supporting me is enough to remind me of the strength I have. And that strength can help me win.

I'll keep fighting. This might be my last big battle, and I intend to make it through it. It's all or nothing.

I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion

 

I'm okay

It's just a rough period.

I'll be fine.

I'll make it through this.

I'll manage.

I'll keep fighting.

I'll survive.

I won't give up.

I'm stronger than you'd think.

I can do this.

I'll be okay.




I'll be okay.

Fighting demons

The other night, I dreamt that I gave up on living. Can't remember most of the dream, but towards the end of it, I was in town with some other girl. I don't know who she was, but apparently I knew her - at least in my dream. We were doing something, can't remember what, and was supposed to meet up with someone, and that's when I just suddenly gave up. "I can't do this anymore. I give up." was my exact words, and then I just left. I think I told someone not to follow me, but I'm not sure. I just know I hurried away so that no one could stop me, and I made it down towards the fjord. In my twisted dream-version of this town, there were several railways between the town and the fjord, and I remember stumbling across them in a hurry, before I reached the beach. And when I got there, I realized that I didn't have the strength to go further. I couldn't live, but I couldn't die either. So I just collapsed there, where the land and the water met, with half of me in the water and the other half face down in the sand. I couldn't move, and I couldn't even close my eyes to shut it all out. All I could do was just lay there, because I didn't have the strength to live, nor did I have the strength to kill myself.

Then she showed up - the girl I had been with earlier - cause apparently she had followed me, and she grabbed hold of me and tried to drag me out of the water. She only half succeeded, and then she picked up my head and placed it in her lap before calling someone - I don't know who - and giving them our coordinates, telling them to come help us. And I still couldn't move. But I could finally close my eyes, so I did, and my body slowly started to drift into sleep - though my mind was wide awake. I was so exhausted, and frustrated, and scared, and I just wanted to run away. I didn't want to deal with the consequences of what I had just tried to do, because I knew everyone would be mad and yell at me, and I just couldn't handle that. And so I just stayed there, half of me in the water, the other half on land, and my head in the lap of that girl, just feeling hopeless. Feeling like I didn't want to exist, nor did I want to die, and I was just stuck in some sort of limbo.

And slowly, I found that I was waking up - in real life. It took forever, but my mind finally connected, and I realized that I had been dreaming, and that I was not laying in the water, but in my own bed. My body was still uncapable of moving, cause I was half asleep, but my mind was awake - and stuck in that same limbo that it had been stuck in in the dream where I didn't want to live, but I didn't want to die either. It was an awful feeling. After forever and a half, I finally became awake enough to attempt some kind of movement, and spent another eternity forcing my body to life again. And then I sat up, and I just sat there, dazed and confused, for I don't even know how long, before my phone rang. It was mum, saying something about me being picked up in an hour, but that's all I can remember from that conversation. I forgot about it the moment I hung up. And then I pushed myself out of the bed and made coffee, then resumed life as usual.

It was an odd dream, and in a way a bit of a nightmare. And, I realize, probably a horrible way of beginning a blog entry. Sorry about that - I just needed to get it out of my system. The dream kind of rattled me, and I figure that writing it down will help me feel better.


I'm really tired these days. I mean, I'm used to the general tiredness that comes with a depression, and I'm used to the fatigue that comes with the fibromyalgia, and, believe it or not, I'm used to the physical exhaustion that comes from being physically active, but this doesn't feel like any of that. Or, rather, it feels like all of it, bundled up into one. Which is probably what it is, now that I think about it. I'm just so exhausted, and it takes every ounce of willpower that I have just to keep myself standing. It's not that I want to sleep or anything, cause I'm not tired in that way. I just want to stop existing for a while.

I don't want to die. It's not that - trust me! My thoughts aren't there at all. Life is still my biggest love. It's just that... I feel like I need a break from life. We've reached a standstill in our relationship, and I feel like some time apart would do us good. You know; see other people, and just not be together for a while. Just take off and see other worlds, before coming back to continue being with life. And that's not possible, I know that, but I still want it. A break would be nice.

I guess this depression is really kicking my ass, huh?

But not as much as it used to, though. Despite all this hopelessness, and the bad days, and everything, I still know, in the back of my mind, that this is just a bad period, and that I'll get over it. Which is nice, you know. I never had that before - back when I was really sick - and having it now makes me a lot stronger than I've ever been. I also know that it's okay to have bad periods, to feel weak and want to give up, and it's okay to stop moving forward for a while. Because that's not being weak; that's just being human. So, yeah. It's okay.

This is just the really bad part of the dungeon, right before the boss fight. And, hopefully, right before I find the supplies I need for the boss fight. You know; healing potions and fancy new weapons and stuff.

I'll be fine.

The worst part about the depression, though, is not the tiredness or the general feeling of hopelessness, but the detachment. It's common for my depressions - that feeling of being detached from the world, of not belonging. It's such a weird - and painful - feeling, and it gnaws on me. I feel like I'm not a part of this world, like I don't belong, and when I'm talking to people I'm just playing a role, cause I'm not real. I know it's just a feeling, and an illogical one at that, cause I know I belong, that I'm a part of this world, and that I'm real. But it's still there. And I feel it the most when I'm out interacting with people. Talking to people - friends, family, strangers - it intensifies that feeling of detachment. Which is why I've more or less stopped leaving the apartment. The more I feel that way, the harder it gets to keep going, and I feel like I'm drowning. If I don't go out, if I don't interact with people, then I won't feel that way, and I won't drown. It may sound odd, but going full hermit mode actually helps. It keeps that feeling of detachment at bay.

Also, distractions helps. I've gotten back to an online game I used to play a lot - Grand Fantasia - and getting absorbed with it, and it's world, actually helps. Since I can't have an actual physical break from life and this world, I can at least have a mental one by focusing on a gaming world. Again, it may sound odd, but it helps. It helps on my mood, and it helps on all those bad thoughts and feelings that I don't want to have. Grand Fantasia is, actually, a rather underappreciated game. It may not look like much, but it's actually quite amazing. It's a simple mmorpg, free to download and play, and it doesn't require a super computer - my laptop can play it, which says a lot, cause my laptop is crap - and the graphics are simple, yet cute. It's got that anime style to it, which, as an anime fan, I really like. The character customisation is a bit lacking, I'll admit, but that aside, the rest of the game is pretty brilliant. The maps are actually really nicely done, and the world itself is really beautiful. Lately, I've stopped to actually take a look at the nature and the buildings, and I gotta say that I'm in love with that world. It's just gorgeous. The quests and the NPCs have some really funny moments to them, when you stop and read it - I'm sure the developers had a lot of giggles writing it all. Also, this game has, hands down, the best class system I've ever come across in ANY game. It's sort of like the same system I use in my work, but less complicated. It's just utterly brilliant, and both the mage class and the healer class are so well done that I wholeheartedly enjoy playing both! In case you're not getting the point; this game is brilliant and everyone should play it. XD


Other things that helps? Well, I actually have two days a week where I have guests over and socialize. Yes, you read that correctly. I know I said that interacting with people is hard, but in those cases it's actually not. Firstly, me and Candy got back to the whole Saturday II on mondays, which is basically her coming over and playing Silent Hill while I sit and watch, and scream. It's nice, because for one; Candy has become an amazing friend - close to being a best friend - and I enjoy her company, and two; most of my focus is on a game, and it's world, so I still feel like I'm on a break from life. And, as I've already stated; that helps. We're a lot alike, Candy and I - equally fucked up - so I can say all kinds of weird shit and she'll take it for what it is and don't see me as a freak. Really though, we're so alike that it's almost scary - it's almost like we're soul-siblings or some weird shit like that, lol. Also, she got herself a gorgeous girlfriend - seriously, they're so cute together that they've turned me into a sqealing fangirl - which has done her a lot of good. She's gotten a lot stronger, and that's really nice to see, and seeing how happy and in love she is really gives me a boost of happiness. They're good for eachother!
And, secondly; me and my brother have BroSisTuesday together where he comes over and we play Grand Fantasia together. My brother is really amazing, in every way, and having him over cheers me up a lot. Mainly because together, we just focus on good things, and on gaming and weirdo geek stuff, so I feel like I can relax when he's around and not worry too much about life. I can't even put into words how amazing my brother is, really, for so many reasons. He's got a brilliant mind - he's intelligent, AND creative - and he's polite and respectful, yet a bit on the freaky side, and he's true to himself and who he is. He's got his own style, and his own opinions, and he's honest about it. He's just fantastic, and I really love him. And I love gaming with him, so it's a win-win, really.

Oh, and I've gotten back to focusing on my work again. More specifically, I've opened up RPGmaker VX Ace again, and started working on a game. I know I was supposed to finish my book this year, but I realized that I'm doing things in the wrong order. The book is an information book about my world, and to get people interested in wanting to know my world, I first need to get them to actually see that world. I need a way to introduce it - a fishing hook of sorts - to get people into it, and THEN I can produce a book that holds the information they might want. And what better way to introduce someone to a world than through a game? Well, there are story books - and they're coming, yes - but as a gamer my first thought will always be games. So, this year I'll be working on a game I have in mind instead, and my goal is to have it finished and ready for playing before Xmas this year. Well, at least some parts of it should be ready by then. It won't be a big game, and it won't have too much stuff in it, but it'll be a nice little introduction - with possibilities for sequels. I'm pleased with that, I am.

What else can I say?

Well, people have been asking me what they can do - regarding my depression - and generally freaking out on me, and seriously..? Chill. My mental health is not your responsibility; it's mine. You don't need to worry about anything, nor do anything, and you certainly don't have to start treating me differently. Just go about business as usual. I mean, I'm still the same person even though I'm depressed, so there's no need to freak out. The only thing I ask is that you take into consideration that I have even more limitations now than before. I'm more tired, I'm more reluctant to be social, and I struggle a bit more with certain things - and I get more anxious now. Yeah, the anxiety is back, but it's still on a managable level, so there's nothing to worry about. That's about it, really. So, yeah, just chill. Dealing with this shit is MY job, and my job alone, and I'll be fine. It might take a while, cause there's a lot of shit to deal with, but I'll be fine.

Honestly.


I'm working my way towards facing my demons. Or, rather, that one demon - Her. My mask, my chain-maker, the manipulator, and the one that's behind everything. The one I thought I killed, but has now proven to me that she can't die. I can't kill her. Try all I want - she's a part of me, and for as long as I'll live, she will too. She's my anger, my hatred, my insecurities, and my pain. She's everything bad in me, and the result of ever bad experience I've had. She's angry and frustrated, she hates everything and everyone - me more than anything - and she can't stand me being happy. She wants to destroy me - she's been trying to do so for years - and I'm moving towards her. She's the final boss of this dungeon, and I'm slowly coming to terms with that, and what I might have to do to defeat her.

Though I'm a bit shaken by the fact that she's that final boss, I can't really say I'm surprised. Somewhere deep inside me, I knew it. I think that's why I stopped moving forward, and just got stuck in one room in this dungeon, because being stuck seemed so much more appealing than facing her. I mean, I've been chained down and locked away by her, but I've never faced her. And part of me is somewhat terrified of doing so. And, strangely enough, there's also this weird, small part of me that is kind of looking forward to it. I can't explain it, really. But whenever I'm thinking about that fight ahead of me, I can feel the others - the voices - waking up and moving. It's like they're restless. And, of all of them, there's one that is looking at that fight a strange excitement. I guess it's not that hard to guess which one of them it is. He's always been the weird one...

Le sigh.

There really isn't much else to say. I'm struggling my way through this depression, and things are rough, and I'm tired, and I'm scared, but I'm moving. I'm moving forward - even if it's at a slow pace - and I'm certain that I'll be fine in the end. Somehow.