For you, and your love

I've been meaning to do this entry for a long, long time, cause I've had it at the back of my mind for ages, but I just haven't gotten around to actually sit down and do it. I've had so much going on in and around me, that it has, unfortunately, been pushed aside. But, now I'll take my time to get it written down, cause I feel like it is important for me to do so.


I am dedicating this entire entry to my... Protector.
Someone who is often by my side, and that is keeping watch over me.

You thought I haven't noticed you? Cause I have. I notice you every time you're there, and I have since that first time you appeared by my side. It was that summer, when I was living with my parents down in the basement, and I was feeling depressed and just about ready to give up on life. I had just gone to bed, and had trouble falling asleep, when you appeared. I just noticed your presence at first, and it scared me a bit, before I felt your touch. You held your hand on mine, and I could feel you lying next to me, to keep me safe, and I finally managed to sleep. You did that a couple of nights in a row. Showing up when I had gone to bed, to come sleep with me so I could feel safe and loved. Before you disappeared.

Time passed, and every now and then, I could feel you. Days, weeks and even months could pass between your visits, but you still visited. And I could feel you every time. That presence, telling me that someone was in the room with me, keeping watch over me, and making me feel safe. Whenever I was out in public, and my anxiety threatened to kill me, I felt your arms around me, calming me, protecting me, and just telling me that I'd be fine. You'd keep me safe.

Then, last year, things escalated. I'm not sure why. Did you feel that I needed more protection, or that I needed more strength, or was it something else? Something entirely different that caused you to visit me more often..? I don't know. But suddenly I started feeling you almost daily. Sudden visits, that never really lasted long, as if to check up on me, regularily. You took a short break from visiting me, during November-January, for some unknown reason (though I have my suspicions, considering my personal state during that time), but after that you returned and came to see me even more often. Now I feel you, every time I'm in an unsafe setting, or whenever I am feeling insecure or weak. Whenever I cry, you're there, as if you know that I need someone. Whenever I am around people that makes me uncomfortable, you're there in an instant, keeping me safe. Hell, even when I'm drunk as a pineapple, and can hardly stand on my feet, you're there, making sure I always get home safely.

And I feel you. I'm not sure if you know. But I do feel you. Every time. Sometimes it's just a small tingle running down my spine, or something poking me at the back of my mind. So faint, that I can hardly notice it, yet still there. While other times, I almost expect to see you when I turn around, cause your presence is so strong. It varies, though I'm not sure why. If it's me, and my senses, that varies, or your emotions influencing your presence, I can't say. But how strongly I feel your presence varies greatly.

You know what I think? I think you love me. Cause I can feel it. Whenever you're around, I feel so loved, and so protected, and it makes me believe that you love me. I don't know who you are, or what made you come visit me in the first place - I really wish I knew - but what I do know is that you keep coming back because you care about me. Because you love me. And want to keep me safe. I wish I knew who you are, cause no one has ever made me feel so loved before, and it makes me so happy that I almost cry. It's as if your love strengthens me, lifts me up whenever I fall down, and keeps me walking. And for that, I am eternally grateful.

I don't know who you are. But I dedicate this to you, along with a piece of my heart and a piece my soul. And I thank you. Thank you for loving me, for protecting me, and for giving me strength. Thank you for being by my side whenever I need you. And thank you for showing me that my life has purpose.

You taught me to believe in myself, and not deny who I am.
It's a lesson I'll treasure. Forever.