The End

I want to start off this entry by translating my favourite Norwegian poem, written by Sille Myreng (it can be found at the bottom of my blog). The first time I ever read that poem, it struck my heart so hard that I nearly lost my breath. It was as if it had been written for me. It's a gorgeous poem, and the rhyming is perfect, so translating it without ruining it is pretty much impossible. But, just so that my English readers can understand the words, I figured I'd translate it anyway, and just screw the rhyming.

Lonely, Alone

Once the Only, always the Only
in the wrong dimension you're alone, lonely
You breathe, you talk, but are not one of them
who call the bluegreen Tellus their home

The ugly duckling who'll never be a swan
cause the thoughts go on a different track
You yearn yourself away, but you don't know where
you just want to be where your kin lives

You stumble forward, every minute is agony
and wait for the ice around your heart to melt
Hours turn to days, memories to dust
but still you feel the yearning's breeze

You toss in your sleep, you don't want to borrow
any more time in a world with a strange moon
You sink down into bitter apathy
and know; alien, alone, that's how you'll stay


I just wanted to get that translated while I had it on my mind, cause I've been meaning to do so for a while now and just kept forgetting about it. I'm a forgetful thing, I am.



*


We're at the end of the year, and my head is more or less swimming in thoughts. This past year have been an emotional roller-coaster unlike anything I've ever experienced before, and it has brought bigger change to my life than I could ever dream of. The good times of this year have been the best I've ever had, while the bad times have been the absolute worst. I've had turbulent years before, but nothing can compare to this past year. It's been... Both one of my best, as well as one of my worst. I've gained some things I never thought I'd gain, but I've also lost things I never could've dreamt I'd ever lose, and it's been more painful than anyone can ever imagine.

I'm feeling the aftermath of this year, and I've been feeling it for a while now. This x-mas have been nice, and I've had a good time with my family, but I've been struggling every day just to keep up my energy level and my mood. And at times, it's been too much of a challenge for me.



One of the things that bother me the most is that earlier, a couple of days before x-mas, I allowed myself to think of something that I had banished from my mind. For over three months I managed to keep it at a distance, and even though the smallest of things could remind me of it and bring tears to my eyes, I refused to think about it. And I never really talked about it either; not even to those closest to me who knew of it.
But, I let my guard down one evening, and I ended up crying myself to sleep that night. Once it entered my mind, I just couldn't chase it away again. I hardly slept at all... And because of that, the thoughts have kept visiting me daily since then. Can't say I'm all too happy about that. But, what can I do? I just need to try and put it all behind me somehow, and concentrate on a second attempt at things.

I also had a bit of an unpleasant experience on x-mas eve that was anything but fun. Truth be told, the entire thing was just too odd, and I can't really explain what happened. Somewhere in the middle of opening the presents, I just somehow disconnected from myself. The happiness and the joy I was feeling just suddenly disappeared and I couldn't feel a thing. I kept opening presents with everyone else, trying to pretend like nothing had happened, but from that moment on I couldn't enjoy a single thing. I couldn't even feel sad. I was just completely empty. And as we finished, and everyone enjoyed their gifts, I just stared at my pile and couldn't get myself to touch it. It felt alien somehow, like it belonged to someone else. It wasn't mine. And that feeling - or lack of - followed me to bed and stayed with me all night. Put a bit of a bump in my x-mas road, it did, but luckily I managed to shake it off after a while the next day.

It's been a tough x-mas this year. And one I came a bit unprepared for, which made it even heavier for me to make my way through it. I'm honestly not quite sure how I made it. My head's in a bit of a spinning mess these days, so I'm not really sure of anything. I'm definitely in need of a clean-up, but I've decided to wait with that until over the newyears. For now, I'm just gonna let my head spin, and try my best to enjoy the holidays, and then deal with it all later.

Besides, for the first time ever, I'm having a newyears party at my place, and I'm kind of looking forward to that.




You know, I'm really looking forward to the new year, in so many ways. Mainly cause I just can't wait to put this year behind me. Yes, there have been good things, but the the bad things were just too much for me. They hit my weak spot, and nearly destroyed me. I just want to forget about it all and try to move on. And now, for once in my life, focus 100% on ME. I have a lot of things that needs to be dealt with, issues to fix, wounds that need healing, and questions that need answers. I have to figure out what to do about it all. What to do about me. And so far, I haven't really taken the time to focus on myself so that I could've dealt properly with it all. I've been so focused on everything and everyone else. I've always lived for the rest of the world, and not for myself. And 2012 is going to become the year where I'll learn to live for no one but me. It'll be a very selfish year, which'll be difficult to keep up, but that's one of the promises I'm giving myself on new years eve. I'm going to be selfish, focus on myself, and finally get to the point in myself and in my life where I actually want to be.

Maybe I'll figure out who I am. And where I am. Maybe I'll be able to revive myself, and fix the things that are broken. I really hope I can. I need it now. More than I've ever needed it before.



I have so much more I want to write. Things I've been thinking of for the past month or so. Things that have kept me up for hours at night. Things that swirl around inside my head every day and steal my focus away from everything and everyone around me. But there is just so much of it! I'm having difficulties transforming these things into proper words that I can write down, so I just sit here and stare at the screen without a clue about what to write. All these thoughts make my head empty. It's like that deafening silence I hear so often. Enough to drive you insane, it is...


I don't know. Maybe I should just wrap up this entry. It didn't quite turn out the way I wanted it to, but whatever. At least it's something. All these thoughts, and the end of the year closing in, deserves one last entry at least. One last attempt at cleaning out the last of the trash, before starting on the new year.


I've got a lot of exciting new projects to look forward to in 2012!
And that's the only thought I should hold on to as this year comes to an end.

Lost

"I tore off all my old chains, and threw them away.

I'm ready to die.

I've always called myself a child of the sun,

but tonight I'm chaining myself to the moon,

so that it may have my love eternally.

Remember who I was, and love me for it.

Treasure the memories of what used to be,

cause after tonight they are all that's left of me.

After tonight, I'll be dead."

-Aswari Saneth Wolfheart-

A bit morbid, I know, but whatever. Been working on writing the death scene of my main OC, Aswa, and those last words of hers have been stuck in my brain for ages. I just had to get them out. It's been a month, and I still haven't been able to write things down properly. Either I'm lazy, or some part of me don't want to write down her death.

I don't know.

My head's a bit out of it lately, and it makes it hard to consentrate on anything. It's as if I'm not all there, for some reason, and I can't seem to focus on one thing at a time. I've got like a billion things buzzing around inside my head, and it's driving me insane.

I think I've had some rough months lately.



People have been commenting on how much I've been drinking and partying lately, as if I'm out of control somehow. I had three party weekends in a row, and every single weekend I got drunk as a pineapple and hardly made it home in one piece. Truth be told, I worried a bit about it myself, so I talked to my psychologist about it to get her opinion.

She says there's nothing to worry about, and that I'm just doing as she told me to. To take a recess from all my troubles and worries and sad thoughts, and just have fun every once in a while. Even though I'm going through a lot of difficult things lately that are taking their toll on me, I have to try and be a child in the middle of everything and just go out and play. Those were her words.

So, that's what I've been doing the last three weekends. Taking a recess. I spend every single second, every day of the week, worrying about things and struggling with heavy thoughts, being in pain, so I need some time out every now and then. And I take that time out by going out and having fun. Okay, I get a bit drunk - probably more than necessary - but who gives a damn? I have fun, and forget about all the bad things for a moment, so it's absolutely worth it, in the end.

I'll probably take it easy for a while now though, mainly for the sake of saving money. We're closing in on x-mas, unfortunately, so I gotta concentrate on buying presents and sensible things I might need for the holidays. I'll probably have a little party on newyears, at my place, but it won't be anything big seeing as my apartment is pretty small. Not sure what to do about my birthday though, which is a little over a month away. Go out, maybe? Probably get drunk as a pineapple. Yeah.



I wonder if I'll know who I am by then? Cause I have absolutely no idea anymore. I lost myself a while back - like, seriously lost myself - and I'm having trouble adapting. I've lost my foothold, and I spend most of the day wondering how I'm supposed to behave. Even when I'm alone. It's like I've died. And my body is now just an empty shell of some sorts, that hosts different minds within it, all struggling to figure out who's supposed to take charge of this shell. I know it's silly, and that it makes no sense, but that's exactly how I feel. I'm dead.

I mean, I kind of knew that. A while back I did my best to kill off old sides of myself and leave the past behind me, and I did a very serious cleansing to try and renew myself. And the day after, I felt really great and reborn and all that, and I figured that I'd be someone new from that day forward. But, I was wrong. I actually died, and completely lost myself. And I'm not coming back.
I claim to be a phoenix. That I'm reborn whenever I die, and start anew. I thought I'd do it this time as well. That I'd be back, and that I'd get things on track once more. But it's not happening. So I'm wondering; will I be lost forever this time? Won't I ever come back?

I don't know.

All I know is that I'm stumbling around, completely clueless, and just function on some strange auto-pilot that acts like me. I play a role when I'm in public, to keep people from figuring out that something's wrong, and it feels so unreal. When I'm at home, alone, I switch more back and forth between different versions of me than I've ever done before, and every single version is just as confused and unsure how to act. And we talk to the walls, in hopes of answers, but get no reply besides a silence that deafens.

I have nothing to hold on to right now. So I'm slipping, and I'm falling.
And I'm scared.



I've noticed that I can't go out in public without listening to music. If I'm to step outside that front door and greet the world, I need to have the sound of it drowned by the sounds coming from my earplugs. I have no trouble walking through town, as long as I can't hear it. As long as the only thing I hear is my own music. Not really sure why, cause I've never had this problem before, but that's just how it is right now. It's as if the music is my safety blanket or something.

The really annoying thing is that my mp3-player died on me a long time ago, so I only have my cellphone. And it's an old thing, so it doesn't really have a lot of music on it. But, it has some of my favourite songs, so I guess it'll do. Though, I wish I had a really good mp3-player, and some really good, and large, headphones I could use. The earplugs kind of annoy me. Especially since no one notice them, so people try to talk to me and get offended when I can't hear them cause they can't see that I'm listening to music. If I had large headphones, everyone would see, and no one would try to talk to me. They'd just leave me alone. That would be perfect, it would.

I suppose I could've put that on my x-mas wishlist, along with all the other small things that I really, really want, but I decided to write a different wishlist this year. I need a vacation, more than anything else, so asking for giftcards or money is the best solution if I am to afford that.



I'm just really out of it. I'm not really looking forward to anything, and everything feels wrong. I don't want to celebrate x-mas, and I don't want to celebrate my birthday. I don't even want to be here at all. I feel like an empty shell, anyway, and I feel so misplaced. Like I'm in the wrong place, and in the wrong time.

I don't really know what's going on inside me anymore. I guess I've just really lost my way. Maybe I need a map? And a compass? Maybe.

I think I need guidance.