What have I learned in 2015?
A lot of things, really. I've learned that I might just have to accept the fact that certain things - such as my depression and anxiety - might always be a part of me and my life (along with that damned fibromyalgia). It'll come and go, and make things hard for me, but even though I have to accept that, I must not let it define me or rule me. Yes, I broke years ago, unfortunately, and there are parts of me that can never be repaired because of it, but not ALL of me is broken, and I can still keep going forward. I'll fall into pits and deal with hard periods for the rest of my life, but it's important that I try to remember that those hard periods aren't who I am. I am not going to let it dictate who I am.
I've also learned that trying to hide who I am is one of the main things that broke me in the first place, and that'll keep breaking me if I go on like that. Why hide? Because I've always been ashamed of myself, ashamed of being who and what I am, and because I thought everyone around me hated who I really was. After all, that's what the voices in the back of my head used to tell me. But I'm done with that. I'm done hiding, and forcing myself to be someone I'm not. I'm done letting those voices and the people around me define who I am, and breaking me in the process. I'm done breaking. I've learned that I don't exist for everyone else's sake, and so I don't have to continue to try and please everyone else. I'm not going to apologize for who I am, or for my very existence, like I've done for so long, because those that cannot accept me and love me for who I am are people I don't need in my life. I am going to be honest about who I am, and that's that.
And with that in mind, I've learned to better see myself for who I am. I fought a hard battle this year - one that lasted an entire year on the surface, and an entire life below that surface - and I won. I faced my inner demon, and chose to embrace her instead of trying to destroy her. After all these years, I've come to learn that she's such a big part of me now, that destroying her would've destroyed me as well. But embracing her is hard, and it means that I had to release her from her chains and allow her to live as a part of my other selves in the back of my mind, and letting her keep her voice. Letting her exist means that I open myself to her influence and her words, her thoughts and opinions, and her feelings, and learning to live with that might take me a while. She'll do her best to drag me down, and I'll have to keep battling her - possibly for the rest of my life - and I have to accept that. I have to accept that it'll take time for me to come to terms with this, and learn how to handle it and live with it.
Another thing I've learned is that, in the past, whenever I've come in on subjects I don't wish to talk about, because either it makes me uncomfortable, or I disagree to the point where arguements may occur, I've done my best to avoid said subjects. I try to change the subject, talk around it, and do everything I can not to talk about it, and when that has failed, I've lied. I've lied with all my being to avoid the subject and steer myself back on safe ground. All because I try so hard to avoid things that makes me uncomfortable. But now, finally, I've learned that instead of doing that - instead of avoiding and lying - I'm going to put my foot down and simply make it clear that I have no wish to discuss those subjects. If a conversation steers on to unsafe ground that makes me uncomfortable, I'll let people know. And if they get offended by that, then that's their problem, not mine. No one gets to decide what I want to talk about or not, and I see no reason for why I have to justify that - especially if it's personal things.
There are so many things I've learned this passed year, and I could spend hours listing them all, but I see, now, more than anything, that the most important thing I've learned is that it's time for me to put my foot down and stand my ground, and not let other people tell me who to be, or how to live my life. Yes, my loved ones are important to me, and their opinions are valuable, and I'll always listen to them, but I will not let them control me, because I've done that so much in the past. Not because they've ever wanted to take control of me on purpose or tell me how to live my life, no, but because I've given them the reigns without them asking for it. I used to apologize for my very existence, and so I allowed everyone else to steer me around, and at times I couldn't even decide what to have for dinner on my own, because I got so used to being told what opinions to have. I've been very submissive most of my life, on a lot of areas, even though it hasn't been all that visible. And that, I've learned, is something I am done with. No one else lives inside my head, nor do they live my life - I'm the only one doing so - and so they have no say in things. I'm the one in control, not them.
So what are my plans for 2016?
First of all, my plans are, as mentioned, to put my foot down. I'm struggling with a lot of things inside myself, and most of those things are things I've kept hidden from everyone around me - mainly because they are my things to deal with. But yes, I'm struggling, and I'll continue to struggle for a while, cause there is a lot I need to sort out, but I will do so in my own pace. I'm not going to hurry and fix myself for the sake of anyone else, because my life doesn't belong to anyone but me. I'll take the time I need, and if anyone dislike that, then, please, be a sweetheart and get the fuck out of my life. I'm done being overly sweet just for the sake of keeping peace, or because of the fear of being abandoned, because what little I gain from that is not worth it anymore. Simply put, 2016 will greet a me that's done playing nice. If you play bitch, I'll play an even bigger bitch - and I'm not afraid to throw a punch.
I also plan on embracing all of me, which includes my other selves - and which means accepting and embracing my D.I.D. - and stop hiding who I am. I am stepping out of the closet, so to speak, and those around me that can't handle that - can't handle me - will just have to step away from me, and possibly out of my life alltogether. I have alternate personalities, and they live inside my head as voices, and that's just how I am. I'm going to listen to them - my other selves - a lot more, because, after all, they're all an important part of who I am, and all of their thoughts and opinions, and feelings, are all valid. We'll work together from now on, and we'll support eachother, and we'll grow stronger from it. Together we Stand, Divided we Fall.
I plan on rearranging my life quite a bit, cause I do see a lot of things I wish to change - and a lot of things that NEEDS to change - but I won't stress about it. I'll take things at the pace I'm comfortable with, and that's that. This is my life, and so I'll do things MY way. And, finally, I've decided to actually make an effort to get the clothing style I want. I'm done compromising, because this modern day and age don't have what I want, and I'm going to work hard on solutions that are to MY taste. It's such a silly little thing, but, to me, how I dress is an important part of my identity, and I want to express it better. This means I might have to step up my efforts to learn how to sew, which is something I dread, but I'm certain it'll be worth it in the end. And, again, if people don't like that, then that's their problem.
And, more importantly, I have plans for my work in 2016, and those plans are far from the same ones I've had these passed 20 years. I've decided to take all my stories, and everything I've planned and plotted so far, and put it to rest - quite possibly forever. As I enter 2016, a new year with new possibilities, I plan to let my work enter a new beginning, and start it all from scratch. This doesn't really mean that I'll scrap everything I've done so far, but more that I'll label all those things simply as work notes and research - a sketch, so to speak. Now, finally, I'll start the actual work, and I'm quite excited about it.
All in all, my plans for 2016 is to greet it with that old (but good) cliché;
a new Year, a new ME. And this time I actually mean it.
There will be a lot of new things, in and around me, and although I know a lot of it will drag tough periods with it, and that there will be a lot of struggling, there is also a lot of good things to look forward to. New and exciting good things. To me, right now, it feels like I'm in a small village, right before a new, large dungeon. I made it out of the last one, and even though it was hard, and that the final boss of that dungeon took more of me than I thought, I feel ready to take on this new one. A new year, a new dungeon, a bunch of new quests, and a new start.
Yeah. That's what 2016 is, for me. A new start.
Take care of yourselves, stay true to who you are, and don't ever let anyone else tell you who you are, or how to be you and/or live your life. YOU'RE the main character of your story, after all. And how you choose to live through that story is entirely up to you. Yes, you may hurt people's feelings, because they expect something else from you, but in the end they're hurting you way more than you're hurting them, by not letting you be you, and you deserve better. Live for yourself. Do what makes you happy. Reach out and grab your dreams, and I'll be right by your side, grabbing my own.
Happy New Year, my lovelies~
