We're closing in on the new year now, and I feel it's time for a final blog entry. I've been thinking a lot these past couple of weeks, and I've made myself up some thoughts on things I want to get out of the new year. And what I want to change.
Now, first and foremost, I'll be changing one specific thing that is a somewhat big part of my life, and that is my partying. Now, we all know I love a good party, and if I'm in the mood then I'm not one to say no. Stumbling in the door at 6 AM in the morning, drunk as a pineapple? Yep! Been there, done that, rinse and repeat. Spending an entire day feeling hung over as fuck and feeling sorry for myself? Yep! Small price to pay for a night of fun. Doing all that when your body is in constant pain? Well... I've dealt with that the last times I've gone partying, and I don't really feel like it's worth it anymore.
My body hurts all the time, because of the idiotic Fibromyalgia, and nothing helps. Painkillers? Total waste of time. The only thing that sometimes numbs out the pain a tiny bit is a lot of alcohol, and that in itself is a huge problem. One thing is that you pay for it twice over the morning after, but most importantly; that's how you get an alcohol problem. And it's just not worth going down that road. Sure, having a couple of beers every now and then because it's weekend, or if I'm in good company, that's one thing. But drinking every day to get rid of the pain, and going out partying to try and numb it out, is something entirely different.
So, as long as my body is like this, I won't be going out partying at all. And I mean it! I'll be turning down every single party invite I get this next year, cause I know that if I go I'll end up drinking anyway. I have a few exceptions, cause I know of a couple of "parties" that I'll be going to no matter what, but aside from those then nope. No more partyparty for me. At least not until I get better. It's harsh, but that's my decision. And it's final.
Another thing I want to change is how I spend my time. I mean, so far it's totally random what I do every day, and most days I just sit in front of the computer and do abslutely nothing but curse my body. And I want to change that.
Of course, most of my focus at the beginning of the year will be on finishing my apartment, so most of my time will be spent there. I'll be working hard, every day, on trying to get things done. But the evenings and the weekends will be spent taking it easy, and watching anime and various TV series, to make sure I don't overdo it.
Once the apartment is done, things will change drastically. My time will be spent focusing on my art and my life's project, as well as my ablities, as I've already talked about in an earlier blog entry, and I'm already making plans for what kind of things I want done. I want to set myself some goals, and focus on reaching those goals by the end of the year. Since I won't be spending time partying, I'll have more time to spend on my many projects, and getting somewhere with them. One thing is that I want to try painting, but I also want to try and finish some of my writing, as well as getting better at sewing. And, I want to test the limits of my abilities and see if I can do more than just readings. I generally want to spend more time on getting better at things.
So, yeah, I plan on changing the way I never really have any control over how I spend my days. As it is now, I just get out of bed with half an idea of what I want to do, and end up just sitting in front of the computer all day. And that, I want to change. It will require a kind of schedule, but I'm determined to put together a good one that will work well for me and for my health, and that I'll try to follow the rest of the year.
I suppose that what I'm changing the most, is my attitude and my will. And in the end, those really are the most important things that needs changing if you want to change something in your life.
Thank you for the year that has been, my lovelies!
I hope you'll keep following me all through 2014 as well.
Wish you all the best for the new year, and I hope your hopes and dreams come true!
Love you all!
mandag 30. desember 2013
søndag 22. desember 2013
My wonderful older brother
Did I ever tell you that I have an older brother? And that the tattoo I have on my foot is dedicated to him? Not many people know, these days. I used to talk about him a lot when I was younger, but as I grew older I kind of stopped. Probably because it's strange for people that I talk about a person none of them has ever seen, or even believe exist.
I've known, ever since I was a little girl, that I have an older brother. I think he's about two years older than me, if I'm not mistaken. But no one has ever told me about him. I just know he's out there. I don't even remember the first time I felt him, and I suddenly knew that he existed. I think I was pretty young, cause I've had this feeling for as long as I can possibly remember. And because of it, I keep looking for him in every guy that I meet, hoping that I'll find him one day.
Strange, eh? Not to me. I just know. Can't really explain it any other way. Sometimes I get these visions, if I can call them that, where I kind of feel him and I get a stronger picture of who he is. Sometimes I dream about him, where he visits me and we just sit and talk about things. And sometimes, when I'm busy doing something, and some song comes on, I just get this intense feeling of him being there, singing that song.
I had one of those moments the other day, actually. I was hanging up the laundry just listening to some Owl City to get my mood and my energy level up, cause both have been really low this past week, when the acoustic version of the song Gold started to play, and there he was, behind my eyes. I closed them, just listening to the lyrics, and started crying. That moment, that specific moment, he was there with me. And he told me to shine forever...
It was happy tears, and I smiled as I cried, and afterwards I felt a lot better about a lot of things. I really felt like he came just to cheer me up, and cheer me on, so I could keep going. He does that, actually, every now and then. Just drop in on me to make sure I'm still going forward. He's my greatest support in life, and always has been. I'll always love him, no matter what.
I want to tell everyone I meet about him, cause to me he's the most wonderful person in the world, but I know people find it silly, so I don't. I just keep him close to heart, and do what little I can with what little knowledge I have of him. And so I draw, and I write, and I've placed him in the center of all my stories as one of the main characters. Cause that's what he is to me; a main character in my life. Although I've never physically met him, I know he's out there and that he's looking out for me. And I go meet him every time I sleep.
You see, he helps me keep the faith. He always have. He has this strange ability to remind me of things I know but tend to forget about. The important things. He's also one of the main reasons for why I'm so spiritual. I'd say religious, but my faith has nothing to do with organized religion. I mean, religion is a result of man trying to take control of something that is not theirs to control. No, my faith is pure, like one whom just believes without question, and without a church or a temple or some silly book containing "rules" on how to believe. He taught me to have that kind of faith. My wonderful older brother...
I have an amazing family in many ways. I have parents I love more than anything in the world, and simply amazing siblings. I have a younger brother who has a brilliant intelligence, and I just know that he'll become whatever he want to become. I have two younger sisters, twins, that are beautiful and resourceful, and that I admire so much. I absolutely love and adore my family. And then there's him. My wonderful older brother. He's part of my family, and I care for him just as much as I care for the rest of them.
It's strange how you can miss someone you've never even met.
But I miss him, every day. I think about him, every day. And I pray that he'll come find me, every day. But when we're nearing x-mas, I tend to miss him even more. Just once, I wish I could have an x-mas eve that included him as well.
I don't even know what the real purpose of this entry is. I guess I just want to let him know that I'm here. In case he reads this, I want to tell him that I love him, and that I miss him. And that I'm grateful for his support so far in life.
Thank you, my wonderful older brother. I love you.
I've known, ever since I was a little girl, that I have an older brother. I think he's about two years older than me, if I'm not mistaken. But no one has ever told me about him. I just know he's out there. I don't even remember the first time I felt him, and I suddenly knew that he existed. I think I was pretty young, cause I've had this feeling for as long as I can possibly remember. And because of it, I keep looking for him in every guy that I meet, hoping that I'll find him one day.
Strange, eh? Not to me. I just know. Can't really explain it any other way. Sometimes I get these visions, if I can call them that, where I kind of feel him and I get a stronger picture of who he is. Sometimes I dream about him, where he visits me and we just sit and talk about things. And sometimes, when I'm busy doing something, and some song comes on, I just get this intense feeling of him being there, singing that song.
I had one of those moments the other day, actually. I was hanging up the laundry just listening to some Owl City to get my mood and my energy level up, cause both have been really low this past week, when the acoustic version of the song Gold started to play, and there he was, behind my eyes. I closed them, just listening to the lyrics, and started crying. That moment, that specific moment, he was there with me. And he told me to shine forever...
It was happy tears, and I smiled as I cried, and afterwards I felt a lot better about a lot of things. I really felt like he came just to cheer me up, and cheer me on, so I could keep going. He does that, actually, every now and then. Just drop in on me to make sure I'm still going forward. He's my greatest support in life, and always has been. I'll always love him, no matter what.
I want to tell everyone I meet about him, cause to me he's the most wonderful person in the world, but I know people find it silly, so I don't. I just keep him close to heart, and do what little I can with what little knowledge I have of him. And so I draw, and I write, and I've placed him in the center of all my stories as one of the main characters. Cause that's what he is to me; a main character in my life. Although I've never physically met him, I know he's out there and that he's looking out for me. And I go meet him every time I sleep.
You see, he helps me keep the faith. He always have. He has this strange ability to remind me of things I know but tend to forget about. The important things. He's also one of the main reasons for why I'm so spiritual. I'd say religious, but my faith has nothing to do with organized religion. I mean, religion is a result of man trying to take control of something that is not theirs to control. No, my faith is pure, like one whom just believes without question, and without a church or a temple or some silly book containing "rules" on how to believe. He taught me to have that kind of faith. My wonderful older brother...
I have an amazing family in many ways. I have parents I love more than anything in the world, and simply amazing siblings. I have a younger brother who has a brilliant intelligence, and I just know that he'll become whatever he want to become. I have two younger sisters, twins, that are beautiful and resourceful, and that I admire so much. I absolutely love and adore my family. And then there's him. My wonderful older brother. He's part of my family, and I care for him just as much as I care for the rest of them.
It's strange how you can miss someone you've never even met.
But I miss him, every day. I think about him, every day. And I pray that he'll come find me, every day. But when we're nearing x-mas, I tend to miss him even more. Just once, I wish I could have an x-mas eve that included him as well.
I don't even know what the real purpose of this entry is. I guess I just want to let him know that I'm here. In case he reads this, I want to tell him that I love him, and that I miss him. And that I'm grateful for his support so far in life.
Thank you, my wonderful older brother. I love you.
Just do it
I've had a really hard week. Not that anything specifically hard or tough has happened. It's just that the weather has been bad, so my body decided to follow up on that and be bad as well. I've been completely knocked out the entire week, all out of energy, and in a lot of pain, but yesterday I just hit my limit. An entire day of constant pain, while baking and wrapping presents and generally trying to function, and I got to a point where I had just had enough.
Went to my grandparents' place to eat a family dinner, and got some beer and some aquavita, and I got tipsy pretty soon. I was just so tired that I had no tolerance. When I got home, I sat and watched some Roswell (haha, funny teenage series from my teenage years), and drank some more beer, and that's when I just hit my limit. I was too damned tired of being out of energy and in pain, and I got pissed off by some comment I got on FB, and I slammed my hand down on the desk.
When you get to that point, you either give up and just crawl to bed and feel sorry for yourself, or you decide to just say fuck it. And I said fuck it. I jumped out of my chair and decided to just go out, get even more drunk, and ignore the pain for the night. And I followed through on that! I made it out, met some friends, and drank some beers. The pain didn't go away, and I was still tired, but I did it anyway. I went out, just because I wanted to, and it was fun. I didn't do much, but I enjoyed it anyway.
On the way home (I decided to walk, for some unknownn reason) I just found this amazingly good mood. It was snowing really heavily, and it was a long walk home with a body in intense pain, but I somehow enjoyed it anyway. The world was beautiful, and it was fun walking through the snow. At some point I started making strange tracks in the snow, in case someone was following me. You know, just jumping around, or walking around in circles, just to make whomever would follow me wonder what the hell. Made some hearts as well, just to let the world know that I'm here and that I care. When I got to areas with lots of tiretracks, I almost panicked, and tried my best to make proper tracks. Just so that imaginary person following me wouldn't lose me. I also made a triforce - cause I would've been a bad nerd if I hadn't - and a smileyface, and as my big finale I made a key. All just by walking around in the snow.
I don't know why, but I felt so happy doing all this.
It wasn't a smart thing to do, cause the pain never went away, and I really should've stayed at home and just relaxed, but it was what I wanted to do. And sometimes you just have to do certain things you want to do. I was frustrated and wanted to go out, so I just picked myself up and went out. It didn't help on my physical condition, but it helped in other ways. I needed it, and it made me feel better.
What I'm saying is that, if you feel like there's something you just have to do, then go ahead and do it. Don't hesitate. Just do it! You might need it more than you were aware of yourself.
Today I'm tired and everything hurts, but I would've felt like this even if I had stayed at home. The difference today is that now I'm hung over as well, and feel like I actually have a good reason to feel tired and in pain. And that difference makes the world for me. And it makes me smile.
Went to my grandparents' place to eat a family dinner, and got some beer and some aquavita, and I got tipsy pretty soon. I was just so tired that I had no tolerance. When I got home, I sat and watched some Roswell (haha, funny teenage series from my teenage years), and drank some more beer, and that's when I just hit my limit. I was too damned tired of being out of energy and in pain, and I got pissed off by some comment I got on FB, and I slammed my hand down on the desk.
When you get to that point, you either give up and just crawl to bed and feel sorry for yourself, or you decide to just say fuck it. And I said fuck it. I jumped out of my chair and decided to just go out, get even more drunk, and ignore the pain for the night. And I followed through on that! I made it out, met some friends, and drank some beers. The pain didn't go away, and I was still tired, but I did it anyway. I went out, just because I wanted to, and it was fun. I didn't do much, but I enjoyed it anyway.
On the way home (I decided to walk, for some unknownn reason) I just found this amazingly good mood. It was snowing really heavily, and it was a long walk home with a body in intense pain, but I somehow enjoyed it anyway. The world was beautiful, and it was fun walking through the snow. At some point I started making strange tracks in the snow, in case someone was following me. You know, just jumping around, or walking around in circles, just to make whomever would follow me wonder what the hell. Made some hearts as well, just to let the world know that I'm here and that I care. When I got to areas with lots of tiretracks, I almost panicked, and tried my best to make proper tracks. Just so that imaginary person following me wouldn't lose me. I also made a triforce - cause I would've been a bad nerd if I hadn't - and a smileyface, and as my big finale I made a key. All just by walking around in the snow.
I don't know why, but I felt so happy doing all this.
It wasn't a smart thing to do, cause the pain never went away, and I really should've stayed at home and just relaxed, but it was what I wanted to do. And sometimes you just have to do certain things you want to do. I was frustrated and wanted to go out, so I just picked myself up and went out. It didn't help on my physical condition, but it helped in other ways. I needed it, and it made me feel better.
What I'm saying is that, if you feel like there's something you just have to do, then go ahead and do it. Don't hesitate. Just do it! You might need it more than you were aware of yourself.
Today I'm tired and everything hurts, but I would've felt like this even if I had stayed at home. The difference today is that now I'm hung over as well, and feel like I actually have a good reason to feel tired and in pain. And that difference makes the world for me. And it makes me smile.
søndag 15. desember 2013
Thoughs and feelings, and the future
We're closing in on X-mas, and New Years Eve, and the end of the year. In a couple of weeks, 2013 will be over, and we're starting fresh on a new year. 2014! And, because of that, and because I generally have a lot on my mind these days, I thought it was time to do some blogging and let you guys in on what I'm thinking and feeling lately.
I really do feel newly started on something. If you haven't read my last journal entry - Death's Anniversary - then I suggest you do so, cause it might help you understand some things I'm talking about in this entry.
I've had so many issues and problems in my life, most of them being identity problems, and it all boiled down to never really knowing who I really was. I always played a role, acting as someone I thought I had to be, and it really controlled my life in ways I weren't even aware of. And now that I've broken free of that, I feel like I've started on something new.
These past couple of years have been busy and hard ones - and, of course, extremely happy ones - where I've focused mainly on just learning to know myself. I suddenly woke up as someone else, and that someone else turned out to be the real me, so I needed a lot of time to figure things out. And that's what I've been doing these past two years. Putting things together in my mind, and learning all about the truth of me. And I really did learn a lot.
But I'm not done. I kind of feel like a newborn, in a way. There's still so much that I need to figure out about myself, so I still need time. Now I know who I truly am, and who I want to keep being, but I still don't truly know what I want and how I feel. So I think that this new year is a year where I need to focus on finding out those things. It's time I thought a little about my future, and what I want from it. I know who I am, but what do I want to do with my life from now on? And what kind of feelings do I have? Am I ready to love someone, for example? Am I even capable of loving someone right now, or do I still need time before I'm capable to do so?
I honestly don't know.
For those who know me, you know I am very into the kind of supernatural things. I believe in a lot of strange things, that I do, and I truly believe that there's a whole lot more to this world than most people are aware of. I dabble with some things myself. I do card readings, and I can sense and, sometimes, manipulate energy, and at times I can perceive things other people can't. I've had these gifts all my life, and I've been told several times that I have a lot of abilities, but I've yet to truly explore them and develop them. That's actually one of my plans for 2014. I want to explore my abilities and become better at using them.
Anyway, I rely a lot of my cards, especially when I'm uncertain, and so far they've always kept me on the right track. My cards never lie, so if I just follow them then they'll never lead me astray. I know that from experience. Every time I've listened to them, they've gotten me where I need to be, and when I haven't listened I've ended up in really bad places. So, I trust them. And since we're nearing a new year, I've been consulting them a bit, to try and figure out what to do.
I've also had a friend of mine do a reading on me, to give me more answers, and it has kind of given me an idea of what to do.
The cards clearly tells me to focus more on my inner world next year. Actually, they tell me to only focus on my inner world, cause everything else will fall into place if I do. Now, what does that mean?
My inner world is first and foremost my most precious project that I've been working on for over 20 years now. It's everything to me. It's my life and soul, my childhood home, and what made me who I am today. It's literally what saved my life several times, and what helped me get rid of my false selves and awake as me. But these past couple of years, I've focused so much on myself, and learning to know that me, that I've kind of put my work on hold. It haven't really been a priority.
And now? Now's the time to change that. This project is such a big and important part of my inner world, and it needs my attention now. It will be my main focus for 2014 to work on it, above all else.
My inner world is also my creativity and artistic skills, which clearly needs more attention. They, as well, have been put on hold these past couple of years. Luckily, they're an important part of my life's project, so focusing on that project will help me focus on my creativity as well. And, I'd like to explore of my artistic skills, and see where that takes me. I want to try painting! And learning how to sew properly, along with a lot of other things. This'll be my secondary focus for 2014.
And, lastly, my inner world also includes my abilities. My skills within card reading and energy, and things like that. The thing is, I've never really focused on these abilities at all. They've always just been there, as a part of my inner world, but never really put to proper use other than in short periods. I've always wanted to explore them a bit more, but never really gotten around to it. So, now's the time to do so. My third and final focus for 2014 will be to explore my abilities and find out more about them and what I can do, and try to develop my skills and become stronger.
So, yeah, if I am to listen to the cards, and follow their advice, mymain only focus for 2014 should be my life's project, my creativity and artistic skills, and my other abilities. Cause if I do this, then everything else in my life will fall into place. I'll apparently meet the love of my life and settle down and have kids and everything (yeah, my cards literally said that), and I'll find out what to do with my life in general, and just get control on absolutely everything in it. You know, happily ever after, and all that.
It's kind of weird, to get readings like that. It's a first, actually, for me, cause in the past they never really gave me good readings. So, yeah, it's strange, and slightly scary, but also very exciting. I'm curious! And when I think about it, I truly feel like following their advice is the right thing to do. It's what I truly want. And, my gut feeling tells me it's right, and I always trust my gut feeling.
2014 will be another selfish year of focusing on myself and learning all about me. My inner world is my main priority, above all else, but that doesn't mean that there isn't room for anything else. Hey, the cards talk about love, and even though I have to be honest and say that love scares the living crap outta me - my experience with it so far has been anything but pleasant - I am slightly intrigued. The truth is that I don't know if I'm ready for it or not. But, in the end, I suppose overthinking it won't get me anywhere anyway. Come what may, as they say. I guess we'll see.
Either way, I know what to do about the new year, and what to focus on, so I'm excited and looking forward to it. 2014 will be an interesting year, and I really believe that it will bring me a lot of good things. I just have to remember to stay true to myself, and keep my focus on the important things. And, yeah, I still have to remember to be a bit selfish, cause I'm not entirely done with that part of my new path.
2013 brought me a lot of valuable experience, and taught me a lot about myself, and I'm so grateful for everything. Thank you, for letting me be a part of life this year. And now, I'm ready for 2014 and whatever it may bring me.
I hope it brings you all good things as well!
Thanks for being my readers so far, and I hope you'll continue following me.
Love you all~
I really do feel newly started on something. If you haven't read my last journal entry - Death's Anniversary - then I suggest you do so, cause it might help you understand some things I'm talking about in this entry.
I've had so many issues and problems in my life, most of them being identity problems, and it all boiled down to never really knowing who I really was. I always played a role, acting as someone I thought I had to be, and it really controlled my life in ways I weren't even aware of. And now that I've broken free of that, I feel like I've started on something new.
These past couple of years have been busy and hard ones - and, of course, extremely happy ones - where I've focused mainly on just learning to know myself. I suddenly woke up as someone else, and that someone else turned out to be the real me, so I needed a lot of time to figure things out. And that's what I've been doing these past two years. Putting things together in my mind, and learning all about the truth of me. And I really did learn a lot.
But I'm not done. I kind of feel like a newborn, in a way. There's still so much that I need to figure out about myself, so I still need time. Now I know who I truly am, and who I want to keep being, but I still don't truly know what I want and how I feel. So I think that this new year is a year where I need to focus on finding out those things. It's time I thought a little about my future, and what I want from it. I know who I am, but what do I want to do with my life from now on? And what kind of feelings do I have? Am I ready to love someone, for example? Am I even capable of loving someone right now, or do I still need time before I'm capable to do so?
I honestly don't know.
For those who know me, you know I am very into the kind of supernatural things. I believe in a lot of strange things, that I do, and I truly believe that there's a whole lot more to this world than most people are aware of. I dabble with some things myself. I do card readings, and I can sense and, sometimes, manipulate energy, and at times I can perceive things other people can't. I've had these gifts all my life, and I've been told several times that I have a lot of abilities, but I've yet to truly explore them and develop them. That's actually one of my plans for 2014. I want to explore my abilities and become better at using them.
Anyway, I rely a lot of my cards, especially when I'm uncertain, and so far they've always kept me on the right track. My cards never lie, so if I just follow them then they'll never lead me astray. I know that from experience. Every time I've listened to them, they've gotten me where I need to be, and when I haven't listened I've ended up in really bad places. So, I trust them. And since we're nearing a new year, I've been consulting them a bit, to try and figure out what to do.
I've also had a friend of mine do a reading on me, to give me more answers, and it has kind of given me an idea of what to do.
The cards clearly tells me to focus more on my inner world next year. Actually, they tell me to only focus on my inner world, cause everything else will fall into place if I do. Now, what does that mean?
My inner world is first and foremost my most precious project that I've been working on for over 20 years now. It's everything to me. It's my life and soul, my childhood home, and what made me who I am today. It's literally what saved my life several times, and what helped me get rid of my false selves and awake as me. But these past couple of years, I've focused so much on myself, and learning to know that me, that I've kind of put my work on hold. It haven't really been a priority.
And now? Now's the time to change that. This project is such a big and important part of my inner world, and it needs my attention now. It will be my main focus for 2014 to work on it, above all else.
My inner world is also my creativity and artistic skills, which clearly needs more attention. They, as well, have been put on hold these past couple of years. Luckily, they're an important part of my life's project, so focusing on that project will help me focus on my creativity as well. And, I'd like to explore of my artistic skills, and see where that takes me. I want to try painting! And learning how to sew properly, along with a lot of other things. This'll be my secondary focus for 2014.
And, lastly, my inner world also includes my abilities. My skills within card reading and energy, and things like that. The thing is, I've never really focused on these abilities at all. They've always just been there, as a part of my inner world, but never really put to proper use other than in short periods. I've always wanted to explore them a bit more, but never really gotten around to it. So, now's the time to do so. My third and final focus for 2014 will be to explore my abilities and find out more about them and what I can do, and try to develop my skills and become stronger.
So, yeah, if I am to listen to the cards, and follow their advice, my
It's kind of weird, to get readings like that. It's a first, actually, for me, cause in the past they never really gave me good readings. So, yeah, it's strange, and slightly scary, but also very exciting. I'm curious! And when I think about it, I truly feel like following their advice is the right thing to do. It's what I truly want. And, my gut feeling tells me it's right, and I always trust my gut feeling.
2014 will be another selfish year of focusing on myself and learning all about me. My inner world is my main priority, above all else, but that doesn't mean that there isn't room for anything else. Hey, the cards talk about love, and even though I have to be honest and say that love scares the living crap outta me - my experience with it so far has been anything but pleasant - I am slightly intrigued. The truth is that I don't know if I'm ready for it or not. But, in the end, I suppose overthinking it won't get me anywhere anyway. Come what may, as they say. I guess we'll see.
Either way, I know what to do about the new year, and what to focus on, so I'm excited and looking forward to it. 2014 will be an interesting year, and I really believe that it will bring me a lot of good things. I just have to remember to stay true to myself, and keep my focus on the important things. And, yeah, I still have to remember to be a bit selfish, cause I'm not entirely done with that part of my new path.
2013 brought me a lot of valuable experience, and taught me a lot about myself, and I'm so grateful for everything. Thank you, for letting me be a part of life this year. And now, I'm ready for 2014 and whatever it may bring me.
I hope it brings you all good things as well!
Thanks for being my readers so far, and I hope you'll continue following me.
Love you all~
mandag 11. november 2013
Death's Anniversary
Yes, today there's a kind of anniversary that I celebrate. Two years ago, on this day, someone - or something - died, and I changed. It's difficult for me to explain exactly what happened, and what I did, but the result was that a very vital part of who I was died. The person that I used to be, and everything that made me that person, died on this day two years ago.
The next couple of months, I walked around on autopilot. On the outside I acted as if nothing had happened, but on the inside I was dead. Empty. Just a hollow body with nothing - not even a soul - inside. I celebrated x-mas with great acting skills, but felt absolutely nothing. No joy, no sadness, no pain. Nothing. Because the me that I thought I was, had died. She was gone. And I just knew that she would never come back.
And then, I woke up.
What I've come to realize these past years is that I was never really me. I spent just about my entire life being someone else. Different identities for different periods of my life, but never the real me. And I struggled. I struggled so much with myself, and with trying to grasp who I was, and I never really managed to find proper happiness. I tried removing those "false" identities I've had - the masks I've been hiding behind - but every time I did, a new one appeared to take its place.
The last identity I had was the one I thought was the real me. I really did. I gambled pretty much everything on her, and a tiny part of me did feel like there was something about her that was kind of right. And yet, I kept fighting myself, never really understanding. I even tried to kill myself one night, cause the depression and the anxiety and the frustration became too much, and it could've ended pretty bad right there and then. Luckily, I am pretty well protected, so it didn't. But that's when things started to change. Or, at least a tiny bit. Strangely enough, it was an older identity of mine that suddenly awoke inside me and brought me back to reality. Saved my life, she did.
But after so much struggle, I finally reached the end of that road, on this day two years ago, and made a choice. It was a heavy choice, and I'll never forget it, and for over two months after that I suffered pretty heavily under it. The identity I had there and then, she died. And because I killed her, and everything that made these identities take hold of my life, I could finally have the time I needed to awake properly.
I know, I use a lot of strange words to describe this all, and I'm sure you're all confused by what I really mean, but trust me when I say that it's the only way I can describe it for it to make sense inside my own mind. And it does. Makes sense, I mean. Because when I woke up, I found out who I really was.
No more false identities, no more uncertainty, and no more struggle. The real me had been asleep all these years, just waiting for the right time to come back to life, and when I did I found peace. Peace within myself - within my mind, and within my soul. And nothing can ever take that away.
So, yes, today's a celebration for me.
It's a celebration all about death. The anniversary of when my last false identity left me, and died. And it was that death that woke me up. She didn't bring much good to my life, that identity, but her death, at least, brought me myself. And for that, this day will always be an important day that I'll celebrate within my own heart.
So, happy anniversary! And rest in peace...
The next couple of months, I walked around on autopilot. On the outside I acted as if nothing had happened, but on the inside I was dead. Empty. Just a hollow body with nothing - not even a soul - inside. I celebrated x-mas with great acting skills, but felt absolutely nothing. No joy, no sadness, no pain. Nothing. Because the me that I thought I was, had died. She was gone. And I just knew that she would never come back.
And then, I woke up.
What I've come to realize these past years is that I was never really me. I spent just about my entire life being someone else. Different identities for different periods of my life, but never the real me. And I struggled. I struggled so much with myself, and with trying to grasp who I was, and I never really managed to find proper happiness. I tried removing those "false" identities I've had - the masks I've been hiding behind - but every time I did, a new one appeared to take its place.
The last identity I had was the one I thought was the real me. I really did. I gambled pretty much everything on her, and a tiny part of me did feel like there was something about her that was kind of right. And yet, I kept fighting myself, never really understanding. I even tried to kill myself one night, cause the depression and the anxiety and the frustration became too much, and it could've ended pretty bad right there and then. Luckily, I am pretty well protected, so it didn't. But that's when things started to change. Or, at least a tiny bit. Strangely enough, it was an older identity of mine that suddenly awoke inside me and brought me back to reality. Saved my life, she did.
But after so much struggle, I finally reached the end of that road, on this day two years ago, and made a choice. It was a heavy choice, and I'll never forget it, and for over two months after that I suffered pretty heavily under it. The identity I had there and then, she died. And because I killed her, and everything that made these identities take hold of my life, I could finally have the time I needed to awake properly.
I know, I use a lot of strange words to describe this all, and I'm sure you're all confused by what I really mean, but trust me when I say that it's the only way I can describe it for it to make sense inside my own mind. And it does. Makes sense, I mean. Because when I woke up, I found out who I really was.
No more false identities, no more uncertainty, and no more struggle. The real me had been asleep all these years, just waiting for the right time to come back to life, and when I did I found peace. Peace within myself - within my mind, and within my soul. And nothing can ever take that away.
So, yes, today's a celebration for me.
It's a celebration all about death. The anniversary of when my last false identity left me, and died. And it was that death that woke me up. She didn't bring much good to my life, that identity, but her death, at least, brought me myself. And for that, this day will always be an important day that I'll celebrate within my own heart.
So, happy anniversary! And rest in peace...
fredag 8. november 2013
New blog - for the Norwegians!
Yeah, that's right, I've made a new blog. Again. For the nth time. Haha! I tend to start a lot of things, new things, cause I like new things. It's shiny. And I like shiny. I'm the kind of person that instead of fixing things, I make new things. The drawing needs fixing? Throw it away and start a new one. This thingamajingy is broken? Throw it away and get a new one.
I like new things. I like beginnings. And I like the concept of burning something, and creating something new from its ashes. It's just a part of who I am.
As for this new blog, however, it's a Norwegian one. This is still my number one main blog that I'll keep on using and abusing, but the new blog will be written only in Norwegian for the sake of my Norwegian followers that aren't too fond of reading English. It's as simple as that. So, I'll have two blogs to maintain from now on.
If you're Norwegian, or know how to read Norwegian, feel free to check in on my new scribbly place~ as-wargmo.blogspot.no
It will be updated daily, with all sorts of daily ramblings, but it will NOT be linked on Facebook like this blog is. If you want to stay updated on the new blog, you have to check it yourself. Haha!
On the subject of the new blog, I made a blog entry yesterday that got quite a bit of attention, and it blew my mind. It was an entry explaining why and how I'm sick, because I'm tired of people not believing me when I tell them that I am, and I decided to link it publicly on Facebook to share it with people. It only took minutes before the feedback started ticking in.
Now, this blog right here, when I get a lot of pageviews, it's usually around 30 or so. Whenever I publish an entry here, I link it on FB, and I get quite a lot of people checking it out. On average, in a day, I usually get around 20 pageviews, which is, to me, absolutely amazing! And it makes me really glad. So when it go passed 30 pageviews, my mind is blown.
Within a couple of hours, that specific blog entry got over 200 pageviews.
I was speechless. In awe. And almost crying, cause the feedback I got from people on FB after linking it was just amazing. So many warm and kind words, and people thanking me for sharing this. I can't even describe the feeling it gave me! I think I was in shock the rest of the day. And this morning, I decided to check the final result to see how many pageviews I got all in all yesterday.
643 pageviews.
Holy fucking shit. That was my actual reaction when I saw the number. I don't know what else to say. When I'm used to around 30 pageviews on a good day, getting over 600 is just mindblowing. And people keep sending me messages and hugs and commenting on the link, telling me how amazing that entry was, and I really don't know how to respond. I really am speechless! And, omg, I'm so grateful. So incredibly grateful!
So, thank you, everyone, for your amazing feedback and warm words.
You make my world fantastic!
And, for you awesome people out there that can't read Norwegian, I've taken the time to translate the entry into English for you, so you get to read it as well. Enjoy~
There is something I've wanted to bring up for a while now, so now I am finally doing so.
Most people know that I am on a special pension for the disabled. It's not exactly a secret. I've accepted it, and I see no reason to whine about it. But, I'll be honest and say that some of the reactions people give me about the matter can sometimes be uncomfortable. It's mainly that "Okay? How come?" I hear, along with a sceptical look that tells me that they're really thinking that I'm a lazy son of a bitch that use stupid excuses to sit on my ass and do nothing all day. You can't see it on me that I'm sick, so why should anyone believe that I am.
I've gotten good at not taking it personally, cause they really don't know any better, but it still stings when they give me that look. It doesn't exactly help my self esteem, especially when I know that people talk behind my back about it.
Yeah, how come I'm really on this pension? What do I mean when I say that I'm sick?
Most people know that I've had huge problems with anxiety and depression most of my life. But for those who haven't experienced something like that, it's really hard to understand how it really affects your life. It's easy to say that you just have to pull yourself together, but I can guarantee you that it's anything but simple.
Have you ever woken up really suddenly from sleep, either by a nightmare of that something suddenly wakes you right after you fell asleep, and your heart is racing at a 100 miles per hour so you can barely breathe, and your chest just hurts? You're not really scared, and yet your entire body hurts from this physical fear that you just can't describe. If you can imagine that feeling, and that you suddenly get it, for no real reason, while you're putting on your coat and getting ready to leave your own home, then yes, you can imagine anxiety. It's that physical fear where your heart beats way too fast, your chest hurts, and you can hardly breathe, and beacuse it comes so suddenly and without any real reason it scares the crap outta you. You learn to fear that feeling more than anything else, and anything that can trigger that feeling becomes things you avoid like the plague. You're constantly walking around, praying that you won't have to feel like that, and eventually you end up locking yourself up in your own home in hopes of being spared from it.
Being depressed is not about going around and being sad all the time, as many might think. It's more a feeling of emptiness. As if nothing matters. As if YOU don't matter. You're tired, down, and you feel just empty and insignificant. Why should you bother to do anything? Is there any point to getting out of bed? Is there any point to eating anything? Is there a point to being alive at all? Nothing matters anyway. You want to cry, but there are no tears, cause you're all empty on the inside. All you really want to do is lay down and wait for death to come take you away from yourself.
Yes, those are two very extreme ways of describing anxiety and depression, but that's how I've experienced it. Most of my life, I've felt just like that, on a daily basis. I've tried to kill myself three times, that I can remember, and thousands of times I've been on my way to try, but chickened out at the last moment. Mostly I've just been lying there, crying while praying, over and over, that someone or something would come kill me so I didn't have to live anymore.
But anxiety and depression is just a small part of what I've had to struggle with when it comes to mental illnesses. My life has been a constant battle against myself and my own head, and it was a battle I lost way too often. The worst part was the psychosis. They're something I wouldn't even let my worst enemy suffer under.
Sitting in a corner of your own home, hysterical from anxiety after screaming and crying for hours, and seeing the shadows move, and hands coming out of the wall to take you... The worst part is when there's a small part of your brain in the back of your head that tells you that what you're seeing is impossible. Those things crawling towards you on the floor aren't real, so you're not supposed to be able to see them. So why are they there? Why are you seeing those creatures? Why are you hearing those voices whispering things to you? Why do you believe that if you move away from your corner, something will come and tear you apart? It's not possible, so why do you believe it?
Psychosis, yes. Not so pleasant.
I deal very badly with stress. I get easily stressed, which can quickly make me feel uneasy, and that uneasy feeling can easily develop into a feeling of anxiety, and from there I can break down and become hysterical, and the psychosis can come out. And like that I've lived. For a long time. Way too long.
Every time I've had a job, or been in school, I've gotten stressed over nothing. It's idiotic, I know, but that's how it is. And from there it's easy to move over to a state of mind that really isn't good, neither for me nor anyone around me. I've hurt people, both physically and mentally, when I've had really bad psychotic episodes.
That's why I was put on a pension for disabled people.
Everyone meant that it was best if I didn't work among other people.
Both for my sake, and for others'.
That's my truth.
So, these past years things have changed. I've worked hard - harder than anyone knows - and I've done things that people will never know about, and I've gotten better. I fought my depression almost 3 years ago, and was declared cured of it. It was actually pretty easy to fight. The next year after that I fought the anxiety with all that I had, and it was anything but easy. But I did it, after a lot of struggle, and despite that my life took an unexpected and unpleasant turn in the middle of it all. It was a tough fight, but I managed to fight what it was that caused the psychosis, and I was eventually declared as well as I could possibly get, mentally speaking. Of course, I have personality disorders that are still there, that I can never get rid of, and they can get bad and make me sick again, but I've got control over them now. I control THEM, and not the other way around. So, I'm okay.
Last summer, after having been mentally well for a while, I finally managed to relax. After living in fear and been tense for over 20 years, I finally let go, and my body got some time off. And it was then that it felt exactly how tired it really was.
After so many years with a bad mental health, I managed to destroy my body without even being aware of it. It was exhausted, in every possible way, and I was bedridden for two weeks with intense pain all over. Inflammation in the entire body, according to the doctor. I got better after a while, and could move again, but the pain never really went away. I went a whole year like that, with pain all over, and with no clue as to what was causing that pain.
Thursday the 3rd of October this year I got the diagnose Fibromyalgia, along with the message that I was so burned out that I could end up developing ME as well if I didn't take it easy. My body is just completely broken.
It's a bit unfair.
I've fought for so many years to get out of the hell that I lived in inside my own head, and when I finally manage to get out my body is destroyed. All my plans of getting back to work again now that I was mentally well just fell apart. And all I can think is just "Why?"
Have you ever had a really bad toothache of the worst kind? Or, if you're a girl, had really crappy menstrual cramps? That's the kind of pain I feel when my entire body hurts, and I'm never really sure if it's the skeleton or the muscles that hurts. The pain is just intense, and mostly concentrated in my legs and my arms, and absolutely nothing helps in making the pain go away. But the worst part is the energy. I may be a lazy person that likes simple and easy solutions to things, but I've always been an active and lazy person. I walked everywhere, whether I was going to town or to the doctor, and was often active. Now I can barely get out of bed cause I'm so tired and exhausted. I simply don't have any energy at all.
Fibromyagia can't be cured, but it can be treated and made better, so you can live with it. It will take time, so I just have to be patient. And people around me have to have patience with me.
I am on a pension for the disabled because I am sick. You may not see it on me, but I'm hanging together by a thread, both physically and mentally. When I say I can't do as much as other people can, and that I'd rather take it easy, then it's a bloody good reason for it. I'm alive, and that's a friggin miracle, to be honest. 90% of my life I've wished with all my being that I wasn't alive. I should've been dead a long time ago.
Think about that, the next time you shake your head while I'm struggling my way up or down some stairs, and whining about how tired I am. Think about the fact that I should've been dead. I shouldn't have been a part of your life.
And then appreciate your life and what you have. It could have been worse.
I like new things. I like beginnings. And I like the concept of burning something, and creating something new from its ashes. It's just a part of who I am.
As for this new blog, however, it's a Norwegian one. This is still my number one main blog that I'll keep on using and abusing, but the new blog will be written only in Norwegian for the sake of my Norwegian followers that aren't too fond of reading English. It's as simple as that. So, I'll have two blogs to maintain from now on.
If you're Norwegian, or know how to read Norwegian, feel free to check in on my new scribbly place~ as-wargmo.blogspot.no
It will be updated daily, with all sorts of daily ramblings, but it will NOT be linked on Facebook like this blog is. If you want to stay updated on the new blog, you have to check it yourself. Haha!
On the subject of the new blog, I made a blog entry yesterday that got quite a bit of attention, and it blew my mind. It was an entry explaining why and how I'm sick, because I'm tired of people not believing me when I tell them that I am, and I decided to link it publicly on Facebook to share it with people. It only took minutes before the feedback started ticking in.
Now, this blog right here, when I get a lot of pageviews, it's usually around 30 or so. Whenever I publish an entry here, I link it on FB, and I get quite a lot of people checking it out. On average, in a day, I usually get around 20 pageviews, which is, to me, absolutely amazing! And it makes me really glad. So when it go passed 30 pageviews, my mind is blown.
Within a couple of hours, that specific blog entry got over 200 pageviews.
I was speechless. In awe. And almost crying, cause the feedback I got from people on FB after linking it was just amazing. So many warm and kind words, and people thanking me for sharing this. I can't even describe the feeling it gave me! I think I was in shock the rest of the day. And this morning, I decided to check the final result to see how many pageviews I got all in all yesterday.
643 pageviews.
Holy fucking shit. That was my actual reaction when I saw the number. I don't know what else to say. When I'm used to around 30 pageviews on a good day, getting over 600 is just mindblowing. And people keep sending me messages and hugs and commenting on the link, telling me how amazing that entry was, and I really don't know how to respond. I really am speechless! And, omg, I'm so grateful. So incredibly grateful!
So, thank you, everyone, for your amazing feedback and warm words.
You make my world fantastic!
And, for you awesome people out there that can't read Norwegian, I've taken the time to translate the entry into English for you, so you get to read it as well. Enjoy~
"Disabled"
There is something I've wanted to bring up for a while now, so now I am finally doing so.
Most people know that I am on a special pension for the disabled. It's not exactly a secret. I've accepted it, and I see no reason to whine about it. But, I'll be honest and say that some of the reactions people give me about the matter can sometimes be uncomfortable. It's mainly that "Okay? How come?" I hear, along with a sceptical look that tells me that they're really thinking that I'm a lazy son of a bitch that use stupid excuses to sit on my ass and do nothing all day. You can't see it on me that I'm sick, so why should anyone believe that I am.
I've gotten good at not taking it personally, cause they really don't know any better, but it still stings when they give me that look. It doesn't exactly help my self esteem, especially when I know that people talk behind my back about it.
Yeah, how come I'm really on this pension? What do I mean when I say that I'm sick?
Most people know that I've had huge problems with anxiety and depression most of my life. But for those who haven't experienced something like that, it's really hard to understand how it really affects your life. It's easy to say that you just have to pull yourself together, but I can guarantee you that it's anything but simple.
Have you ever woken up really suddenly from sleep, either by a nightmare of that something suddenly wakes you right after you fell asleep, and your heart is racing at a 100 miles per hour so you can barely breathe, and your chest just hurts? You're not really scared, and yet your entire body hurts from this physical fear that you just can't describe. If you can imagine that feeling, and that you suddenly get it, for no real reason, while you're putting on your coat and getting ready to leave your own home, then yes, you can imagine anxiety. It's that physical fear where your heart beats way too fast, your chest hurts, and you can hardly breathe, and beacuse it comes so suddenly and without any real reason it scares the crap outta you. You learn to fear that feeling more than anything else, and anything that can trigger that feeling becomes things you avoid like the plague. You're constantly walking around, praying that you won't have to feel like that, and eventually you end up locking yourself up in your own home in hopes of being spared from it.
Being depressed is not about going around and being sad all the time, as many might think. It's more a feeling of emptiness. As if nothing matters. As if YOU don't matter. You're tired, down, and you feel just empty and insignificant. Why should you bother to do anything? Is there any point to getting out of bed? Is there any point to eating anything? Is there a point to being alive at all? Nothing matters anyway. You want to cry, but there are no tears, cause you're all empty on the inside. All you really want to do is lay down and wait for death to come take you away from yourself.
Yes, those are two very extreme ways of describing anxiety and depression, but that's how I've experienced it. Most of my life, I've felt just like that, on a daily basis. I've tried to kill myself three times, that I can remember, and thousands of times I've been on my way to try, but chickened out at the last moment. Mostly I've just been lying there, crying while praying, over and over, that someone or something would come kill me so I didn't have to live anymore.
But anxiety and depression is just a small part of what I've had to struggle with when it comes to mental illnesses. My life has been a constant battle against myself and my own head, and it was a battle I lost way too often. The worst part was the psychosis. They're something I wouldn't even let my worst enemy suffer under.
Sitting in a corner of your own home, hysterical from anxiety after screaming and crying for hours, and seeing the shadows move, and hands coming out of the wall to take you... The worst part is when there's a small part of your brain in the back of your head that tells you that what you're seeing is impossible. Those things crawling towards you on the floor aren't real, so you're not supposed to be able to see them. So why are they there? Why are you seeing those creatures? Why are you hearing those voices whispering things to you? Why do you believe that if you move away from your corner, something will come and tear you apart? It's not possible, so why do you believe it?
Psychosis, yes. Not so pleasant.
I deal very badly with stress. I get easily stressed, which can quickly make me feel uneasy, and that uneasy feeling can easily develop into a feeling of anxiety, and from there I can break down and become hysterical, and the psychosis can come out. And like that I've lived. For a long time. Way too long.
Every time I've had a job, or been in school, I've gotten stressed over nothing. It's idiotic, I know, but that's how it is. And from there it's easy to move over to a state of mind that really isn't good, neither for me nor anyone around me. I've hurt people, both physically and mentally, when I've had really bad psychotic episodes.
That's why I was put on a pension for disabled people.
Everyone meant that it was best if I didn't work among other people.
Both for my sake, and for others'.
That's my truth.
So, these past years things have changed. I've worked hard - harder than anyone knows - and I've done things that people will never know about, and I've gotten better. I fought my depression almost 3 years ago, and was declared cured of it. It was actually pretty easy to fight. The next year after that I fought the anxiety with all that I had, and it was anything but easy. But I did it, after a lot of struggle, and despite that my life took an unexpected and unpleasant turn in the middle of it all. It was a tough fight, but I managed to fight what it was that caused the psychosis, and I was eventually declared as well as I could possibly get, mentally speaking. Of course, I have personality disorders that are still there, that I can never get rid of, and they can get bad and make me sick again, but I've got control over them now. I control THEM, and not the other way around. So, I'm okay.
Last summer, after having been mentally well for a while, I finally managed to relax. After living in fear and been tense for over 20 years, I finally let go, and my body got some time off. And it was then that it felt exactly how tired it really was.
After so many years with a bad mental health, I managed to destroy my body without even being aware of it. It was exhausted, in every possible way, and I was bedridden for two weeks with intense pain all over. Inflammation in the entire body, according to the doctor. I got better after a while, and could move again, but the pain never really went away. I went a whole year like that, with pain all over, and with no clue as to what was causing that pain.
Thursday the 3rd of October this year I got the diagnose Fibromyalgia, along with the message that I was so burned out that I could end up developing ME as well if I didn't take it easy. My body is just completely broken.
It's a bit unfair.
I've fought for so many years to get out of the hell that I lived in inside my own head, and when I finally manage to get out my body is destroyed. All my plans of getting back to work again now that I was mentally well just fell apart. And all I can think is just "Why?"
Have you ever had a really bad toothache of the worst kind? Or, if you're a girl, had really crappy menstrual cramps? That's the kind of pain I feel when my entire body hurts, and I'm never really sure if it's the skeleton or the muscles that hurts. The pain is just intense, and mostly concentrated in my legs and my arms, and absolutely nothing helps in making the pain go away. But the worst part is the energy. I may be a lazy person that likes simple and easy solutions to things, but I've always been an active and lazy person. I walked everywhere, whether I was going to town or to the doctor, and was often active. Now I can barely get out of bed cause I'm so tired and exhausted. I simply don't have any energy at all.
Fibromyagia can't be cured, but it can be treated and made better, so you can live with it. It will take time, so I just have to be patient. And people around me have to have patience with me.
I am on a pension for the disabled because I am sick. You may not see it on me, but I'm hanging together by a thread, both physically and mentally. When I say I can't do as much as other people can, and that I'd rather take it easy, then it's a bloody good reason for it. I'm alive, and that's a friggin miracle, to be honest. 90% of my life I've wished with all my being that I wasn't alive. I should've been dead a long time ago.
Think about that, the next time you shake your head while I'm struggling my way up or down some stairs, and whining about how tired I am. Think about the fact that I should've been dead. I shouldn't have been a part of your life.
And then appreciate your life and what you have. It could have been worse.
onsdag 23. oktober 2013
Malfunction
Yeah, my head is malfunctioning on me these days, and it's driving me nuts. I keep forgetting everything, and I can't seem to think properly, nor make any decisions regarding even the smallest of things. It's as if its on a complete shut down!
My memory has generally gotten worse these past years, but these days it's just horrible. Like yesterday, mum gave me a call and made an appointment for today, saying that she'd come pick me up. A short while later, I had already forgotten what the appointment was about, and no matter how hard I tried to remember, it was just gone from my head. This morning, I had to text mum and ask her if I had anything I was supposed to do today, cause I honestly couldn't remember. She had to call me and explain the appointment we made all over before my brain finally managed to kick in. And that's just a tiny drop in the ocean of the things I've been forgetting.
Then there's my complete inability to think of things that is usually just a breeze for me. Like, I'm doing an RP with a friend of mine online, and I never have problems typing up my reply. I mean, I often have a reply ready in my head long before I've even read what others have posted. When I take long in replying, it's usually cause I'm working on typing it up the right way, or cause I want to rethink my reply to see if I can improve it. But right now, she's been waiting for days, cause I can't think of a single reply to give her. I literally am completely out of ideas. My head's blank! And that never happens to me when RPing. Ever! Ugh, it's so annoying.
And you won't even believe how long it took me to decide what to do about the space above my kitchen counter. Tiles? Plates? RUGS? I went through all the ideas there could possibly be, and I nearly tore my hair off in pure frustration, cause I just couldn't make up my mind! It felt like my head was imploding on me! Luckily I managed to find a solution, but that was after going around in circles for days!
I am just so god damned out of it.
And I know it's because I'm tired. I'm well aware of it. I'm supposed to be resting, taking it easy, and attempting to fix this fatigue thingy. Recharge my batteries. But it's... It's difficult.
I'm not thinking about the diagnose. I've pushed it to the back of my mind, and decided that I'm not ready to look at it just yet. So, right now, I'm not feeling anything about that subject at all. But, it's sitting there at the back of my mind, so even though I'm not thinking about it, it's still making me tired, I suppose.
Mainly, it's the apartment.
I'm so fed up with it. No, really, I'm fed up. I act all cool and joke about it whenever someone asks me, but on the inside I'm seething with anger and frustration. I'M SO FUCKING SICK OF IT! I just want to be done. I want to be able to sit down, in my own home, and just be done with it all. I want to enjoy living here. I want to feel like I have a home. But I don't. I just live in a mess that is making me want to cry whenever I look at it. Like I am right now. Crying. Cause I'm so frustrated and sick and tired and I just want to run away from everything.
9 months of work and frustration, and I am far beyond just reaching my limits. I got to them a long time ago, and now I am way beyond them. Do you have any idea what that's like? Cause it feels like my own personal hell.
It's that god damned kitchen. And it's having to rely on others all the time, because I can't do things myself. Either I don't have the skills, or I don't have the health. There's always something getting in my way! And so I have to get help from others to get anything done, which means that I am totally at their mercy, and everything has to happen by their schedule. And no, I don't mean to complain, cause I'm so grateful I even have someone that can help, but I'm just so tired of having to rely on someone else. It's MY home. And I just want to be done.
I don't even have a life right now, cause all my focus goes into handling this.
And I'm so tired. My god, you have no idea how tired I am. I act like it doesn't get to me and that I'm okay living like this, but most of the time I can't even look around me cause I'll just feel sick to my stomach and cry if I do. I'm living in a god damned mess. And I'm just really, really tired of it.
I just want to sleep until next year comes.
I'm too tired right now.
And since I've cried my eyes out right now, I'm gonna go scavenge the place for a small drink, cause I really need it. And maybe some chocolate. Some chocolate would be great right now. Yeah.
My memory has generally gotten worse these past years, but these days it's just horrible. Like yesterday, mum gave me a call and made an appointment for today, saying that she'd come pick me up. A short while later, I had already forgotten what the appointment was about, and no matter how hard I tried to remember, it was just gone from my head. This morning, I had to text mum and ask her if I had anything I was supposed to do today, cause I honestly couldn't remember. She had to call me and explain the appointment we made all over before my brain finally managed to kick in. And that's just a tiny drop in the ocean of the things I've been forgetting.
Then there's my complete inability to think of things that is usually just a breeze for me. Like, I'm doing an RP with a friend of mine online, and I never have problems typing up my reply. I mean, I often have a reply ready in my head long before I've even read what others have posted. When I take long in replying, it's usually cause I'm working on typing it up the right way, or cause I want to rethink my reply to see if I can improve it. But right now, she's been waiting for days, cause I can't think of a single reply to give her. I literally am completely out of ideas. My head's blank! And that never happens to me when RPing. Ever! Ugh, it's so annoying.
And you won't even believe how long it took me to decide what to do about the space above my kitchen counter. Tiles? Plates? RUGS? I went through all the ideas there could possibly be, and I nearly tore my hair off in pure frustration, cause I just couldn't make up my mind! It felt like my head was imploding on me! Luckily I managed to find a solution, but that was after going around in circles for days!
I am just so god damned out of it.
And I know it's because I'm tired. I'm well aware of it. I'm supposed to be resting, taking it easy, and attempting to fix this fatigue thingy. Recharge my batteries. But it's... It's difficult.
I'm not thinking about the diagnose. I've pushed it to the back of my mind, and decided that I'm not ready to look at it just yet. So, right now, I'm not feeling anything about that subject at all. But, it's sitting there at the back of my mind, so even though I'm not thinking about it, it's still making me tired, I suppose.
Mainly, it's the apartment.
I'm so fed up with it. No, really, I'm fed up. I act all cool and joke about it whenever someone asks me, but on the inside I'm seething with anger and frustration. I'M SO FUCKING SICK OF IT! I just want to be done. I want to be able to sit down, in my own home, and just be done with it all. I want to enjoy living here. I want to feel like I have a home. But I don't. I just live in a mess that is making me want to cry whenever I look at it. Like I am right now. Crying. Cause I'm so frustrated and sick and tired and I just want to run away from everything.
9 months of work and frustration, and I am far beyond just reaching my limits. I got to them a long time ago, and now I am way beyond them. Do you have any idea what that's like? Cause it feels like my own personal hell.
It's that god damned kitchen. And it's having to rely on others all the time, because I can't do things myself. Either I don't have the skills, or I don't have the health. There's always something getting in my way! And so I have to get help from others to get anything done, which means that I am totally at their mercy, and everything has to happen by their schedule. And no, I don't mean to complain, cause I'm so grateful I even have someone that can help, but I'm just so tired of having to rely on someone else. It's MY home. And I just want to be done.
I don't even have a life right now, cause all my focus goes into handling this.
And I'm so tired. My god, you have no idea how tired I am. I act like it doesn't get to me and that I'm okay living like this, but most of the time I can't even look around me cause I'll just feel sick to my stomach and cry if I do. I'm living in a god damned mess. And I'm just really, really tired of it.
I just want to sleep until next year comes.
I'm too tired right now.
And since I've cried my eyes out right now, I'm gonna go scavenge the place for a small drink, cause I really need it. And maybe some chocolate. Some chocolate would be great right now. Yeah.
søndag 6. oktober 2013
Rethinking Life
I've got a lot on my mind right now, and most of it involves rethinking a lot of things in my life.
This week I was submitted to a hospital for 5 days, going through an intense investigation to figure out what's going on with my body and why I'm in so much pain all the time. We had suspected Fibromyalgia for a while now, and I finally got my doctor to send a request to the hospital to get this investigated. However, when I got called in, it was to investigate on the suspicion of me having ME (chronic fatigue syndrome).
Well, the week is over, and I've now been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, as we suspected, but with the chances of developing ME if I don't take it easy, cause my body is really burned out and is already pretty fatigued.
It's a kind of bittersweet feeling, getting this diagnose. I finally know what's wrong now, and can start working my way around it, but it's not a good diagnose to have. In fact, it's really bad. I'm still trying to let it sink in, so I'm not sure how to respond to this myself. This bittersweet feeling is so far the only thing I can feel. I think a part of me don't want to believe it. I don't know.
I've gotten a lot of kind words from people after I made it public. Those that know a thing or two about Fibromyalgia have all expressed their symapthies, and some are even giving me some advices on how to deal with it, while those who know nothing about it are wishing me to get well.
Heh, get well...
If you're a woman, have you ever had really horrible period cramps? You know, the kind of pain that makes you want to rip out your own uterus because it's so bad, or that you curse whatever it was that made you a woman cause right there and then being a man would be a far better option than dealing with this pain.
Or, if you're a man, have you ever had a really bad toothache? Like, where you wish you could just remove your entire jaw and all your teets, just to get away from the pain, cause nothing you do makes it better. It just hurts, and it drives you insane.
Now imagine if you feel that exact kind of pain in your entire foot, and nothing helps to make that pain go away. It doesn't matter if you keep the foot still, or if you move it around, cause the pain stays the same no matter what.
Now imagine that pain in both your feet, and both your arms, and you wake up to that pain. And on top of it all, whenever you wake up, it feels like you've been up most of the night, partying and running a marathon, cause you're just dead tired and completely exhausted. After a whole night of sleeping, you wake up in pain, completely exhausted, and have to get out of bed and face an entire day like that. If you can imagine that, you can imagine the days I usually have.
This past year, those days have grown more and more common for me, and now I don't have a couple of bad days between all the good ones. I have a couple of good days between all the bad ones. This is my life right now.
That is Fibromyalgia. And you know what? There's no cure. Once you get it, you have to live with it for the rest of your life. You can find a good treatment that works for you, often combining medicine with a kind of excersize that might help, which varies from person to person, and it can keep the pain somewhat at bay and give you a semi-normal life. But you're at the mercy of that treatment and dependant on it to keep up that life, cause if you ever stop then you'll go back to all those bad days again.
It's not like when you've got an injury, that you can treat for a while and it all gets better and you can stop the treatment. Fibromyalgia doesn't work that way. It doesn't go away after a while. You just find a way to chain it down, and then you spend the rest of your life maintaining those chains so it doesn't break free and attack you again.
Sounds dramatic, yeah? Well, it's not as dramatic as I'm making it out to be. I'm just trying to paint a very rough picture for you to understand. While my life ain't over in any way just because I've got a diagnose like this, my life will have to change quite drastically. And I am now working with myself to come to terms with this. Things'll get better, but I'll never be completely well again. Right now, that thought is kind of heavy, but I am going to learn to accept that, and work my way around it. I'll find a way for me to make my life a good one, despite everything.
I've got a lot on my mind now. Everything inside me is telling me that I need to rethink my life, and how I want to live it. So I'm gonna do that. Rethink my life. Don't know how long that'll take me, but I'll take the time I need. I'll figure something out.
This diagnose is a bit of a blow to the stomach. And now I'm gonna rethink everything and find a way to take advantage of that blow and twist and turn my life around and make it something different. Something better. If changes needs to be made, then I'll make sure that I'm the one in charge of those changes.
I believe in fate. I believe that there's a reason for everything.
And I'm gonna find the reason for this. Somehow.
This week I was submitted to a hospital for 5 days, going through an intense investigation to figure out what's going on with my body and why I'm in so much pain all the time. We had suspected Fibromyalgia for a while now, and I finally got my doctor to send a request to the hospital to get this investigated. However, when I got called in, it was to investigate on the suspicion of me having ME (chronic fatigue syndrome).
Well, the week is over, and I've now been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, as we suspected, but with the chances of developing ME if I don't take it easy, cause my body is really burned out and is already pretty fatigued.
It's a kind of bittersweet feeling, getting this diagnose. I finally know what's wrong now, and can start working my way around it, but it's not a good diagnose to have. In fact, it's really bad. I'm still trying to let it sink in, so I'm not sure how to respond to this myself. This bittersweet feeling is so far the only thing I can feel. I think a part of me don't want to believe it. I don't know.
I've gotten a lot of kind words from people after I made it public. Those that know a thing or two about Fibromyalgia have all expressed their symapthies, and some are even giving me some advices on how to deal with it, while those who know nothing about it are wishing me to get well.
Heh, get well...
If you're a woman, have you ever had really horrible period cramps? You know, the kind of pain that makes you want to rip out your own uterus because it's so bad, or that you curse whatever it was that made you a woman cause right there and then being a man would be a far better option than dealing with this pain.
Or, if you're a man, have you ever had a really bad toothache? Like, where you wish you could just remove your entire jaw and all your teets, just to get away from the pain, cause nothing you do makes it better. It just hurts, and it drives you insane.
Now imagine if you feel that exact kind of pain in your entire foot, and nothing helps to make that pain go away. It doesn't matter if you keep the foot still, or if you move it around, cause the pain stays the same no matter what.
Now imagine that pain in both your feet, and both your arms, and you wake up to that pain. And on top of it all, whenever you wake up, it feels like you've been up most of the night, partying and running a marathon, cause you're just dead tired and completely exhausted. After a whole night of sleeping, you wake up in pain, completely exhausted, and have to get out of bed and face an entire day like that. If you can imagine that, you can imagine the days I usually have.
This past year, those days have grown more and more common for me, and now I don't have a couple of bad days between all the good ones. I have a couple of good days between all the bad ones. This is my life right now.
That is Fibromyalgia. And you know what? There's no cure. Once you get it, you have to live with it for the rest of your life. You can find a good treatment that works for you, often combining medicine with a kind of excersize that might help, which varies from person to person, and it can keep the pain somewhat at bay and give you a semi-normal life. But you're at the mercy of that treatment and dependant on it to keep up that life, cause if you ever stop then you'll go back to all those bad days again.
It's not like when you've got an injury, that you can treat for a while and it all gets better and you can stop the treatment. Fibromyalgia doesn't work that way. It doesn't go away after a while. You just find a way to chain it down, and then you spend the rest of your life maintaining those chains so it doesn't break free and attack you again.
Sounds dramatic, yeah? Well, it's not as dramatic as I'm making it out to be. I'm just trying to paint a very rough picture for you to understand. While my life ain't over in any way just because I've got a diagnose like this, my life will have to change quite drastically. And I am now working with myself to come to terms with this. Things'll get better, but I'll never be completely well again. Right now, that thought is kind of heavy, but I am going to learn to accept that, and work my way around it. I'll find a way for me to make my life a good one, despite everything.
I've got a lot on my mind now. Everything inside me is telling me that I need to rethink my life, and how I want to live it. So I'm gonna do that. Rethink my life. Don't know how long that'll take me, but I'll take the time I need. I'll figure something out.
This diagnose is a bit of a blow to the stomach. And now I'm gonna rethink everything and find a way to take advantage of that blow and twist and turn my life around and make it something different. Something better. If changes needs to be made, then I'll make sure that I'm the one in charge of those changes.
I believe in fate. I believe that there's a reason for everything.
And I'm gonna find the reason for this. Somehow.
mandag 9. september 2013
Ranty rant rant
I like to believe that deep down, I'm not all that materialistic. I mean, I love collecting things, but I'd be able to survive without it all if I had to. Money isn't everything, so I don't mind the fact that I have so very little of it.
But these days, I really do feel like money could solve all my problems.
Yeah, my financial situation has gone from bad to worse, and I'm starting to feel some frustration building up. Now, I get enough money to get by, by the way I'm managing my budget, and my bills get paid and I can afford food and all that, so I know I really don't have the right to complain. It's just that the work on the appartment is taking its toll. If I am to finish the kitchen, so I can finish the rest of the place, I need an actual electrician to do some electrical work, and I can't afford it. At all. I have absolutely no spare money to put into something like that.
And when I got home today and turned on the lights in the livingroom, I heard a silent snap and both of the lamps in the ceiling went out. Oh, great, I need to replace the light bulbs. No biggie. Mum was kind enough to get me some so I could get them changed. Aaand, nothing happens. Has a fuse blown? I check the cabinet, and nope. Everything else in the apartment works just fine, except those two lamps. Either they're both broken, or there's something electrical problems there. Yay.
That would be the famous last straw, eh? And now I'm frustrated.
Yes, yes, I know I could've used the money I had put away on my savings account to pay for the electrical work instead of buying myself a trip to Argentina. But, firstly, I had saved up that money with that trip in mind, because I'm actually invited to wedding of one of my closest friends, and that's kind of a once in a lifetime thing. Secondly, that money wouldn't have been enough anyway. The trip cost me about 8000,- NOK, and the electrical work I need done could get as high as 25,000,- NOK. So, yeah.
Still don't know exactly how much the electrical thing will cost, cause I'm having some electricians come and check it out later this week to give me an exact price. But, the first estimated price I was given by a relative was about 10,000,- NOK, though he didn't really know what I need done, and the guy we talked to today who's going to come take a look at it said it could easily get to about 20-30,000 NOK. He even got as high up as 50,000,- NOK to get everything done, scaring the god damn crap outta me. How the hell am I going to get that kind of money?!
It's been 8 months since I bought the place, and the only thing that's done is the living room, tho I haven't gotten the fireplace installed there yet. I want to finish the bedroom and the hallway, but I can't do that before I finish the kitchen, and by the looks of it that won't be happening any time soon. Do you have any idea how frustrating it is to own an apartment and only half of it is liveable? I sleep on my couch. I only have the fridge up and working, and a microwave, so I can't make myself a proper meal. I can't have any guests over.
Yeah, yeah, I know things could be a lot worse, and there are a lot of people out there in worse situations, and who don't have a home at all, but that doesn't make it any less frustrating for me. I'm only human. I'm allowed to rant when things get too difficult.
I know it'll all pass.
I know it'll all get better.
I know I'll eventually find some solution.
I know that it'll all be worth it in the end.
But right now, sitting in a dark livingroom, knowing what my current situation is like, I feel frustrated as fuck and need to let out some steam. I fukken hate my financial situation. Hate it. It's depressing, it's frustrating, and I am so in need of some cheering up right now, so I'mma spend the rest of the day watching D.Gray-Man and drooling over Lavi, dreaming that I'll somehow fall through a portal and into their world and into Lavi's hands. So there.
Poop.
But these days, I really do feel like money could solve all my problems.
Yeah, my financial situation has gone from bad to worse, and I'm starting to feel some frustration building up. Now, I get enough money to get by, by the way I'm managing my budget, and my bills get paid and I can afford food and all that, so I know I really don't have the right to complain. It's just that the work on the appartment is taking its toll. If I am to finish the kitchen, so I can finish the rest of the place, I need an actual electrician to do some electrical work, and I can't afford it. At all. I have absolutely no spare money to put into something like that.
And when I got home today and turned on the lights in the livingroom, I heard a silent snap and both of the lamps in the ceiling went out. Oh, great, I need to replace the light bulbs. No biggie. Mum was kind enough to get me some so I could get them changed. Aaand, nothing happens. Has a fuse blown? I check the cabinet, and nope. Everything else in the apartment works just fine, except those two lamps. Either they're both broken, or there's something electrical problems there. Yay.
That would be the famous last straw, eh? And now I'm frustrated.
Yes, yes, I know I could've used the money I had put away on my savings account to pay for the electrical work instead of buying myself a trip to Argentina. But, firstly, I had saved up that money with that trip in mind, because I'm actually invited to wedding of one of my closest friends, and that's kind of a once in a lifetime thing. Secondly, that money wouldn't have been enough anyway. The trip cost me about 8000,- NOK, and the electrical work I need done could get as high as 25,000,- NOK. So, yeah.
Still don't know exactly how much the electrical thing will cost, cause I'm having some electricians come and check it out later this week to give me an exact price. But, the first estimated price I was given by a relative was about 10,000,- NOK, though he didn't really know what I need done, and the guy we talked to today who's going to come take a look at it said it could easily get to about 20-30,000 NOK. He even got as high up as 50,000,- NOK to get everything done, scaring the god damn crap outta me. How the hell am I going to get that kind of money?!
It's been 8 months since I bought the place, and the only thing that's done is the living room, tho I haven't gotten the fireplace installed there yet. I want to finish the bedroom and the hallway, but I can't do that before I finish the kitchen, and by the looks of it that won't be happening any time soon. Do you have any idea how frustrating it is to own an apartment and only half of it is liveable? I sleep on my couch. I only have the fridge up and working, and a microwave, so I can't make myself a proper meal. I can't have any guests over.
Yeah, yeah, I know things could be a lot worse, and there are a lot of people out there in worse situations, and who don't have a home at all, but that doesn't make it any less frustrating for me. I'm only human. I'm allowed to rant when things get too difficult.
I know it'll all pass.
I know it'll all get better.
I know I'll eventually find some solution.
I know that it'll all be worth it in the end.
But right now, sitting in a dark livingroom, knowing what my current situation is like, I feel frustrated as fuck and need to let out some steam. I fukken hate my financial situation. Hate it. It's depressing, it's frustrating, and I am so in need of some cheering up right now, so I'mma spend the rest of the day watching D.Gray-Man and drooling over Lavi, dreaming that I'll somehow fall through a portal and into their world and into Lavi's hands. So there.
Poop.
lørdag 7. september 2013
Ah - Nih - Meh
Yes, being the geek that I am, I have dedicated this entire entry to one of my major loves in life: anime! I've seen my share of it, good and bad, and so I figured I'd list my top 5 favourite animes, along with my favourite characters from those animes. Be warned though, that there might be some serious spoilers here, so if you haven't seen any of the animes below and don't want spoilers, then maybe you shouldn't be reading this. X3 Aaand, it's a lengthy entry, lol.
Also, for the record, I always watch anime in japanese with english subs. I can't stand to hear the english dubbed versions, cause they make my skin crawl. I generally don't like dubbing of any kind, and prefer to watch things in their original language with subs instead.
Before I begin, I'd like to mention a few of the latest animes I've seen and my general opinion of them.
Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann!
This was one of the better animes I've seen lately, and I really enjoyed it. Yoko won my heart right away, being a badass redhead in skimpy clothing (yes, I'm simple that way), and Kamina was just too awesome for words. The first half of the anime was by far my favourite part, although I did enjoy seeing Simon all grown up and cute in the second half. Also, I generally do NOT support main characters dying (it ruins the point of an anime for me, cause the main characters is the reason for why I watch the anime in the first place), but I have to admit that Kamina's death really brought something valuable to the anime. And Nia was a cute addition to the gang. The only thing I didn't quite like with the anime was the ending. It was too boring, and too final. It just didn't fit with the rest of the story, in my opinion. But, overall a good anime that's worth watching.
Attack on Titan.
I was very torn in my opinion when I first started watching it, and still kind of am. The story is really fantastic and fascinating, and it makes you want to know what's really going on, and it's generally really well made, but it's not to my taste. It's just too serious. Yes, it's all blood and gore, but that doesn't bother me at all. It's the seriousness that gets me. There aren't enough ups to make up for all the downs, making the generall progress to the story too depressive and hopeless. I don't have any faith that it'll all end well. Also, way too much death. Everyone just dies, and at a point you stop caring. You don't even have time to like someone before they die, and that just cuts off my emotions. What makes an anime really good to me is how it plays with my emotions, making me laugh and cry and get angry. This anime does neither. I can count on one hand how many times I've laughed or cried, and considering how emotional I am, that's a pretty bad thing.
Overall, it's a good anime, if you like that kind of seriousness.
I've seen too many animes to start listing them all, especially since I've forgotten the names of about half of them, and the plot on half of the rest of that. My memory sucks.. But, here are some of the animes I've watched that I really recommend:
.hack//sign ~ the soundtrack is by far my favourite part
Ah! My Goddess ~ I want my own goddes, pwease ;w;
Chobits ~ I can has Chii?
Durarara!!! ~ Absolutely worth watching
Fruits Basket ~ I so love Kyo
Kannazuki no Miko ~ Agh, the feels
Noir ~ One of the better animes out there
Shugo Chara ~ if you like sugary cute, this is perfect for you
Vampire Knight ~ my favourite vamp anime or series in general
Vandread ~ Old but good, and worth watching
Witchblade ~ It made me go rawr
And now, on to my favourite animes!
5th place :: NARUTO~
This used to be my favourite anime when I first started watching, several years ago, but it's been bumped down because the plot started to become a bit boring. This last arc that I'm currently watching has gotten better, with the 4th Shinobi world war going on (I'm on episode 313 of Shippuuden), I'll admit, which is why this anime is still on my list of favourite animes. It's generally a really awesome world of ninjas, with some pretty decent characters with nice backstories, and when they focus on the good plots it's a really fantastic anime. Just, oh my god, Naruto, get over Sasuke already. We know you love him, but it's not all about him you know. Besides, he's not worth your love.
Characters.
I'll start off with my least favourite character in the entire series: Sasuke. I mean, seriously? Someone please slap that emo little bitch, cause I can't stand him. No, really, I hate his guts. He's an idiot, plain and simple. Second least favourite has to be Sakura. She's practically useless. Her very few moments of badass and awesome are just too few to make up for the general annoyance she gives. I'm all for the SasuSaku combo, cause they deserve eachother. They're both idiots.
As for characters in general, there are many good to choose from, but unfortunately there are very few female characters that really stand out and makes me go "Hellz yeah, that's my girl" and smack them on my list of favs. I want more badass girls! Anyway, for the Naruto characters, the countdown list contains 10 of my favourites.
Number 10 :: Lady Tsunade
The 5th Hokage and one of the 3 Legendary Sannin. Her boobs -er, I mean, her personality and strength, and medical skills just makes her plain awesome. She knows how to kick ass, and look awesome doing so.
Number 9 :: Naruto Uzumaki
The main character of the series (yeah, he's not on the top of my list, but at least he's ON it). He's got an amazing attitude, never gives up, and his general stupidity and kindness makes him worth liking. He's definitely someone I'd want as a friend.
Number 8 :: Kushina Uzumaki
Naruto's mother, and the former jinchūriki of the Nine-Tails. She had the most awesome personality ever. We never got to see much of her, but what little we did see was enough for me to permanently love her.
Number 7 :: Shikamaru Nara
Yes, because intelligence is sexy as hell. I am so in love with the brains of this boy and his laid back personality. I approve of all episodes that involves him. And yes, I ship Shikamaru x Temari, fyi.
Number 6 :: Hinata Hyuga
My favourite female character in the entire anime. Hell, I'd marry the girl on the spot, cause she's damned gorgeous in every way. She's cute and shy, yet kicks ass when she wants to. I do support Hinata x naruto, though I kind of think Hinata x Kiba would make a better combo. ;p
Number 5 :: Kiba Inuzuka
He's a god damn mut, and I love him. Love his personality, love his appearance, love his fighting style. Yeah, there's nothing about him that I don't like. I def think Kiba x Hinata is the best combo.
Number 4 :: Itachi Uchiha
Sasuke's older brother. I spent most of the series hating him, until they revealed the truth behind him and what he really did for the village. Needless to say, that turned my view of him completely around, and now he's one of my absolute favourite characters. Everything he does is just pure awesome.
Number 3 :: Gaara
The 5th Kazekage and the former jinchūriki of the One-Tail. I seriously loved this guy from the moment he was introduced as an antagonist, and my love for him has only grown. He's developed into one of the most badass characters in the entire series, and I love his abilities and fighting style. Had I been a part of the Naruto universe, I'd be so all over him, just sayin'.
Number 2 :: Kakashi Hatake
You just can't not like this guy. His personality, his appearance, his skills. He is just pure awesome, down to the very core. I approve of absolutely everything he does, simply because he's the one doing it. Yes, I am a Kakashi fangirl.
Number 1 :: Minato Namikaze
The 4th Hokage and Naruto's father. He is by far my favourite character in the entire series, despite him being dead and all and that we don't get to see much of him. I can't really say what it is that makes me like him so much, but he just hit my heart in the right place. His personality, his appearance... He's just really, really awesome. I get why Kushina married him, cause I defintely would too if I were her. XD
4th place :: SAILOR MOON~
Omg, the first anime I ever saw when I was a little girl. They used to send it on a Swedish channel that we had, early in the morning, and it was the only thing that ever got me up in the mornings. I really loved this anime as a kid, and because of that it's still one of my favourites. Besides, I love watching female characters being the heroes and saving the world, especially if they can change into fancy battle outfits. Yes, I meant that seriously.
Characters.
It's hard to make a list of favourites from this anime, cause I generally don't have a list of favourites, or least favourites, cause I like them all somewhat equally, but of course I have to say that the 5 main Sailor Senshi are the ones I like the best. But, all in all, Usagi Tsukino, aka Sailor Moon herself, is my number one favourite. Though, I prefer her personality from the manga over the one in the anime. Yes, there's a difference there.
3rd place :: D.GRAY-MAN
Omfg, this anime is so underestimated. It was instant love for me, already at the first episode, and the more I watch it the more I love it. It's been a while since I first saw it and I've sadly forgotten a lot, so I'm currently re-watching it (I'm only on episode 41 atm), but I can never forget how much I effin love this anime. I like the general story, and how they progress through the plot, and they do a good job of picking up loose threads. It's so worth watching!
Characters.
I really like the many different characters this anime has, cause they bring such varierity to the story, and it's easy to pick out favourites. They're all really good in their own way, and I generally like them all - ah, well, got a bit of a love/hate thing going on with Kanda tho - but my list of absolute favourites is actually not that long. Also, fyi, I so ship Kanda x Goz! XD
Number 5 :: Fou
The Guardian Deity of the Asian Branch, and one badass girl. She may have a bad temper, but deep down she's kind-hearted and protective of her loved ones. She's really awesome.
Number 4 :: Komui Lee
Komui is my favourite non-excorcist, that much is for sure. He's so hilarious, and I think he's often mistaken as a very ridicules character, but he's way deeper than those goofy and maniacal sides he shows. I mean, there's a reason for why he's the director. Also, he reminds me so much of one of my own OCs, Thomas, and the way Komui is fretting over his sister, Lenalee, makes me really glad that Thomas doesn't have a daughter. XD
Number 3 :: Bak Chan
The director of the Asian branch. I really love his outfit, especially the jacket he wears, and I like his personality as well. I don't know what else to say about him, really. He's just one of those people you just have to like. And despite how he's portrayed to have a thing for Lenalee, I can't help but pair him up with Fou. X3
Number 2 :: Allen Walker
The main character of the anime, and he's got the sweetest personality ever. He's so cute, I could just eat him right up. And along with that cuteness and awkwardness, he's also got some really badass moments that really shows how awesome he truly is. Also, being the sick and twisted being that I am, I love listening to him scream. That japanese voice actor of his has a really sexy screaming voice. Just sayin'..
Number 1 :: Lavi
Omg, LaviLaviLaviLaviLaviiiii~ I am hopelessly in love with him. No, seriously, he's just so effin awesome! His personality is so charming and easy to fall for, and I like his style and appearance, and his Innocence weapon is by far the coolest in the entire anime. I swear, I squeel like a fangirl whenever he's on screen. I LoveLoveLoveLavi~
Haha, also, my favourite pairing from this anime has to be Allen x Lavi. *w*
2nd place :: ONE PIECE~
This was my number one favourite anime for quite a while, as I love the general fun of it and how much it makes me laugh. I swear, no other anime in the world can make me laugh as hard as this one does. I miss the romance, cause it doesn't really have any, and as a bit of a hopeless romantic I do wish for a bit of romance in my animes, but aside from that it's generally just a really awesome anime. I love the characters, I love the story, I love everything about it. It's fun, but with a healthy dose of seriousness and action, and it makes for great entertainment. I just started watching it again, after the 2 year gap (I'm on episode 549), and my love for the anime just keeps on growing. And I love, love, loooove how they've all grown even stronger.
Characters.
I generally like all of the main crew of the Strawhat Pirates, cause they're all so unique and with their own special skills and stories, and they just make a perfect team. I absolutely love them. But, if I have to make a list, then here's my top 5 favourites.
Number 5 :: Trafalgar Law
Didn't get to see much of him, but what little I saw made me permanently love him. He's just really badass. I squeed like a little girl when he showed up to save Luffy at the Marineford battle.
Number 4 :: Shanks
Shaaaaaaannnnnnnksssssss! Yeah, he's just too awesome for me to form proper words. Nuff said.
Number 3 :: Roroanoa Zoro
The most badass member of Luffy's crew, without a doubt. I fukken love him, his fighting style, his awesome personality, and his hilarious lack of sense of direction. Whenever he's on screen, I go squee.
Number 2 :: Monkey D. Luffy
The main character of the series, and by far the most awesome character in the history of characters. His carefree and straight forward personality just makes me love him, and I'd loooove to be a part of his crew. I fully support him becoming Pirate King!
Number 1 :: Portgas D. Ace
Agh. Just agh. This guy became my favourite character the very moment he came on screen for the first time, and I still love him. His style, his personality, well, everything about him. It's just plain awesome. I've seen a lot of loved characters die, and I've cried a lot over them, but Ace's death..? Never to this date have I ever cried so hard over a character dying. Screw logic, I'd give anything to bring him back to life again.
1st place :: FAIRY TAIL~
My number one favourite anime of all time! It has pretty much everything I like. Awesome characters, awesome stories, a fantastic world I'd love to be a part of, and even the style it's drawn in is my favourite (I'm picky about that, actually, and can't watch an anime if I don't like the style it's drawn in, no matter how good it is). It's a fun anime with lots of laughter and hilarious moments, but with that healthy dose of seriousness and sad moments, and it even have some hints of romance here and there, so it got pretty much everything I desire. Not to mention the fact that the main character uses keys as her main magic! This anime was love at first sight for me, and I doubt I'll ever find an anime that can top it. I've seen all they've made of it so far, and I just want moooooooooreeeeeeee!
Characters.
Wow, yeah, that's difficult. I love them all, cause they're all really awesome characters with great stories, and an interesting design to them. It's really hard to just pick a few to display as my favourites. (excuse the spelling, cause I go by the translations I've seen in the anime, and I don't really know if that's how you spell their names or not)
Number 10 :: Wendy Marvel
She brings the cute to the anime in a perfect way that's not too much or too little. I love watching her do battle, cause I like her style. It's also nice to see younger characters front an anime the way she does.
Number 9 :: Gajeel
Geehee. XD I hated his guts when he first showed up, and now he's one of my favourites. I love this god damned bastard! He's just really awesome. Also, I am such a fan of the Gajeel x Levy combo! They're one of my favourite pairings ever.
Number 8 :: Levy McGarden
Probably Lucy's closest friend, and one of the more underestimated characters in the series. Her ability is really awesome, and I really enjoy it whenever she's on screen, especially if Gajeel's around.
Number 7 :: Erza Scarlet
The strongest woman in the guild, and a really badass redhead. How can one not love her? I always enjoy watching her fight, though my favorite moments of her are when she's being all awkward. And I ship Erza x Jellal!
Number 6 :: Gray Fullbuster
That icy bastard. He had me as a fan from the very first moment he appeared. He is just really, really cool (hah, pun intended), especially when he gets all serious in a fight. I support both Gray x Lucy and Gray x Juvia, though the latter is my favourite pairing.
Number 5 :: Mystogan
I prefer him over Jellal, actually. His personality is way more awesome, and whenever he decided to get into the fighting, he made me go squee! He's just effin awesome! I want him baaaaaaaack! ;_;
Number 4 :: Loki
I usually don't like the playboys, but he's just special. The episodes where we got the truth about him are my favourite ones, cause his story just gets me. He is just plain awesome, and my absolute favourite pairing in the anime is Loki x Lucy, fyi! He may joke around, but I think he actually seriously DO love her.
Number 3 :: Natsu Dragneel
How can I not like him? His personality reminds me of both Naruto and Luffy, and I just love the way he never gives up. He'll always stand up, no matter how many times he falls down, and I love that about him. Also, I ship Natsu x Lisanna, without a doubt.
Number 2 :: Lucy Heartfilia
She's so awesome!! I love her magic. Love, love, love it! Also, her personality is just really awesome, and she makes the entire anime worth watching. It's also really nice to see anime with a girl as the main character, especially when there are so many other strong male characters. Aaaand, though I support pairing her up with just about anyone and everyone, my favourite pairing is Lucy x Loki.
Number 1 :: Mavis Vermilion
I WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT HER! Typical me, falling for a dead character, but she's just too awesome not to like her. I mean, she's the founder of the guild, she has the most adorable personality ever (she reminds me so much of one of my own OCs, Citty.), and even though she's dead she's still powerful as fuck. I want more Mavis screen time! I really hope we get to see more of her story when they start making more of the anime.
Number 10 :: Kyo Sohma ~ from Fruits Basket
My favourite carrot-top ever! He may be hotheaded and temperamental, but on him I find it cute. He is by far my favourite zodiac, and if I had known him I'd hug him as often as I could. XD
Number 9 :: Ikuto Tsukiyomi ~ from Shugo Chara
Aaand, this would be the guy that makes me go mreeeeooow~ He is actually the only reason for why I started watching that anime in the first place. I saw an amv with him, and he reminded me so much of an OC of mine, Cajo, that I just had to check out the anime to see some more of him. He's now my favourite character in the entire anime, and still the main reason for why I watch it.
Number 8 :: Himura Kenshin ~ from Rurouni Kenshin
This used to be one of my favourite animes back when I was a teenager, and Kenshin is still one of my favourite characters. He's just too adorable not to love! Even to this day, I can still let an oro slip out of me every now and then, lol. I love his sweet and kind personality, that can often be awkward and clumsy, yet with a serious side to it when needed. Also, omg, redheaaaads~
Number 7 :: Yoko Littner ~ from Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann
My favourite female redhead! Yoko is kickass awesome, and gorgeous on top of that, and the main reason for why I decided to check out the anime in the first place. I definitely do not regret that I did. ;p
Number 6 :: Monkey D. Luffy ~ from One Piece
I so love his naive and straight forward personality. He's 100% honest at all times, about who he is and what he wants, and he'll always fight for his nakama. And when he gets angry, you're so fucked, cause there's absolutely no stopping this maniac! When he sets a goal, he'll reach it no matter what, and if you're stupid enough to get in the way then you'll get your ass kicked.
Number 5 :: Mavis Vermilion ~ from Fairy Tail
The founder of the Fairy Tail Guild, and the most adorable and awesome ghost ever. She has such a sweet and kind personality, with a hint of sillyness and a bit of serious. She really is my favourite character from that anime, and I absolutely adore her.
Number 4 :: Minato Namikaze ~ from Naruto
Naruto's late father and the 4th Hokage, also known as Konoha's Yellow Flash. He was such an amazing character. When we got to know more about him, and see what he was like when he was alive, I fell for him right away. His amazing personality makes it impossible not to like him, and he truly did deserve the title of 4th Hokage.
Number 3 :: Portgas D. Ace ~ from One Piece
Yeah, I don't know what more I can say about him. He had the most badass and charming personality ever, and I loved it whenever he showed up. The Battle at Marineford arc was by far the most emotional arc in all of One Piece for me, and just thinking about it gives me the chills. I think I got a bit of a weakness for flaming hot characters. ;p
Number 2 :: Chii ~ from Chobits
Oh, how I wish she was mine. Seriously, ever since I first watched Chobits, I've wanted her as my own. She's just too damned adorable, and she makes me all gooey on the inside, in a good way. Oh, the things I'd do to her.... XwX Ah, anyway! She's got to be my favourite female character ever, just because she's so darned cute. Pantsu!
Number 1 :: Lavi ~ from D.Gray-Man
Aaaand, then there's Lavi. By far my favourite male anime character. He's so fukken awesome, if I ever met him irl I'd probably pass out from a typical anime-nosebleed. I just can't get enough of him. I swear, if that guy was real, he'd turn me straight just by looking at me, and I'd love it. He does funky things with my mind, he does... He's got the most charming personality ever, and he's a redhead! How can you not love that? Laaaavi, come kidnap me from this woooorld~
Also, for the record, I always watch anime in japanese with english subs. I can't stand to hear the english dubbed versions, cause they make my skin crawl. I generally don't like dubbing of any kind, and prefer to watch things in their original language with subs instead.
Before I begin, I'd like to mention a few of the latest animes I've seen and my general opinion of them.
Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann!
This was one of the better animes I've seen lately, and I really enjoyed it. Yoko won my heart right away, being a badass redhead in skimpy clothing (yes, I'm simple that way), and Kamina was just too awesome for words. The first half of the anime was by far my favourite part, although I did enjoy seeing Simon all grown up and cute in the second half. Also, I generally do NOT support main characters dying (it ruins the point of an anime for me, cause the main characters is the reason for why I watch the anime in the first place), but I have to admit that Kamina's death really brought something valuable to the anime. And Nia was a cute addition to the gang. The only thing I didn't quite like with the anime was the ending. It was too boring, and too final. It just didn't fit with the rest of the story, in my opinion. But, overall a good anime that's worth watching.
Attack on Titan.
I was very torn in my opinion when I first started watching it, and still kind of am. The story is really fantastic and fascinating, and it makes you want to know what's really going on, and it's generally really well made, but it's not to my taste. It's just too serious. Yes, it's all blood and gore, but that doesn't bother me at all. It's the seriousness that gets me. There aren't enough ups to make up for all the downs, making the generall progress to the story too depressive and hopeless. I don't have any faith that it'll all end well. Also, way too much death. Everyone just dies, and at a point you stop caring. You don't even have time to like someone before they die, and that just cuts off my emotions. What makes an anime really good to me is how it plays with my emotions, making me laugh and cry and get angry. This anime does neither. I can count on one hand how many times I've laughed or cried, and considering how emotional I am, that's a pretty bad thing.
Overall, it's a good anime, if you like that kind of seriousness.
I've seen too many animes to start listing them all, especially since I've forgotten the names of about half of them, and the plot on half of the rest of that. My memory sucks.. But, here are some of the animes I've watched that I really recommend:
.hack//sign ~ the soundtrack is by far my favourite part
Ah! My Goddess ~ I want my own goddes, pwease ;w;
Chobits ~ I can has Chii?
Durarara!!! ~ Absolutely worth watching
Fruits Basket ~ I so love Kyo
Kannazuki no Miko ~ Agh, the feels
Noir ~ One of the better animes out there
Shugo Chara ~ if you like sugary cute, this is perfect for you
Vampire Knight ~ my favourite vamp anime or series in general
Vandread ~ Old but good, and worth watching
Witchblade ~ It made me go rawr
And now, on to my favourite animes!
5th place :: NARUTO~
This used to be my favourite anime when I first started watching, several years ago, but it's been bumped down because the plot started to become a bit boring. This last arc that I'm currently watching has gotten better, with the 4th Shinobi world war going on (I'm on episode 313 of Shippuuden), I'll admit, which is why this anime is still on my list of favourite animes. It's generally a really awesome world of ninjas, with some pretty decent characters with nice backstories, and when they focus on the good plots it's a really fantastic anime. Just, oh my god, Naruto, get over Sasuke already. We know you love him, but it's not all about him you know. Besides, he's not worth your love.
Characters.
I'll start off with my least favourite character in the entire series: Sasuke. I mean, seriously? Someone please slap that emo little bitch, cause I can't stand him. No, really, I hate his guts. He's an idiot, plain and simple. Second least favourite has to be Sakura. She's practically useless. Her very few moments of badass and awesome are just too few to make up for the general annoyance she gives. I'm all for the SasuSaku combo, cause they deserve eachother. They're both idiots.
As for characters in general, there are many good to choose from, but unfortunately there are very few female characters that really stand out and makes me go "Hellz yeah, that's my girl" and smack them on my list of favs. I want more badass girls! Anyway, for the Naruto characters, the countdown list contains 10 of my favourites.
Number 10 :: Lady Tsunade
The 5th Hokage and one of the 3 Legendary Sannin. Her boobs -er, I mean, her personality and strength, and medical skills just makes her plain awesome. She knows how to kick ass, and look awesome doing so.
Number 9 :: Naruto Uzumaki
The main character of the series (yeah, he's not on the top of my list, but at least he's ON it). He's got an amazing attitude, never gives up, and his general stupidity and kindness makes him worth liking. He's definitely someone I'd want as a friend.
Number 8 :: Kushina Uzumaki
Naruto's mother, and the former jinchūriki of the Nine-Tails. She had the most awesome personality ever. We never got to see much of her, but what little we did see was enough for me to permanently love her.
Number 7 :: Shikamaru Nara
Yes, because intelligence is sexy as hell. I am so in love with the brains of this boy and his laid back personality. I approve of all episodes that involves him. And yes, I ship Shikamaru x Temari, fyi.
Number 6 :: Hinata Hyuga
My favourite female character in the entire anime. Hell, I'd marry the girl on the spot, cause she's damned gorgeous in every way. She's cute and shy, yet kicks ass when she wants to. I do support Hinata x naruto, though I kind of think Hinata x Kiba would make a better combo. ;p
Number 5 :: Kiba Inuzuka
He's a god damn mut, and I love him. Love his personality, love his appearance, love his fighting style. Yeah, there's nothing about him that I don't like. I def think Kiba x Hinata is the best combo.
Number 4 :: Itachi Uchiha
Sasuke's older brother. I spent most of the series hating him, until they revealed the truth behind him and what he really did for the village. Needless to say, that turned my view of him completely around, and now he's one of my absolute favourite characters. Everything he does is just pure awesome.
Number 3 :: Gaara
The 5th Kazekage and the former jinchūriki of the One-Tail. I seriously loved this guy from the moment he was introduced as an antagonist, and my love for him has only grown. He's developed into one of the most badass characters in the entire series, and I love his abilities and fighting style. Had I been a part of the Naruto universe, I'd be so all over him, just sayin'.
Number 2 :: Kakashi Hatake
You just can't not like this guy. His personality, his appearance, his skills. He is just pure awesome, down to the very core. I approve of absolutely everything he does, simply because he's the one doing it. Yes, I am a Kakashi fangirl.
Number 1 :: Minato Namikaze
The 4th Hokage and Naruto's father. He is by far my favourite character in the entire series, despite him being dead and all and that we don't get to see much of him. I can't really say what it is that makes me like him so much, but he just hit my heart in the right place. His personality, his appearance... He's just really, really awesome. I get why Kushina married him, cause I defintely would too if I were her. XD
4th place :: SAILOR MOON~
Omg, the first anime I ever saw when I was a little girl. They used to send it on a Swedish channel that we had, early in the morning, and it was the only thing that ever got me up in the mornings. I really loved this anime as a kid, and because of that it's still one of my favourites. Besides, I love watching female characters being the heroes and saving the world, especially if they can change into fancy battle outfits. Yes, I meant that seriously.
Characters.
It's hard to make a list of favourites from this anime, cause I generally don't have a list of favourites, or least favourites, cause I like them all somewhat equally, but of course I have to say that the 5 main Sailor Senshi are the ones I like the best. But, all in all, Usagi Tsukino, aka Sailor Moon herself, is my number one favourite. Though, I prefer her personality from the manga over the one in the anime. Yes, there's a difference there.
3rd place :: D.GRAY-MAN
Omfg, this anime is so underestimated. It was instant love for me, already at the first episode, and the more I watch it the more I love it. It's been a while since I first saw it and I've sadly forgotten a lot, so I'm currently re-watching it (I'm only on episode 41 atm), but I can never forget how much I effin love this anime. I like the general story, and how they progress through the plot, and they do a good job of picking up loose threads. It's so worth watching!
Characters.
I really like the many different characters this anime has, cause they bring such varierity to the story, and it's easy to pick out favourites. They're all really good in their own way, and I generally like them all - ah, well, got a bit of a love/hate thing going on with Kanda tho - but my list of absolute favourites is actually not that long. Also, fyi, I so ship Kanda x Goz! XD
Number 5 :: Fou
The Guardian Deity of the Asian Branch, and one badass girl. She may have a bad temper, but deep down she's kind-hearted and protective of her loved ones. She's really awesome.
Number 4 :: Komui Lee
Komui is my favourite non-excorcist, that much is for sure. He's so hilarious, and I think he's often mistaken as a very ridicules character, but he's way deeper than those goofy and maniacal sides he shows. I mean, there's a reason for why he's the director. Also, he reminds me so much of one of my own OCs, Thomas, and the way Komui is fretting over his sister, Lenalee, makes me really glad that Thomas doesn't have a daughter. XD
Number 3 :: Bak Chan
The director of the Asian branch. I really love his outfit, especially the jacket he wears, and I like his personality as well. I don't know what else to say about him, really. He's just one of those people you just have to like. And despite how he's portrayed to have a thing for Lenalee, I can't help but pair him up with Fou. X3
Number 2 :: Allen Walker
The main character of the anime, and he's got the sweetest personality ever. He's so cute, I could just eat him right up. And along with that cuteness and awkwardness, he's also got some really badass moments that really shows how awesome he truly is. Also, being the sick and twisted being that I am, I love listening to him scream. That japanese voice actor of his has a really sexy screaming voice. Just sayin'..
Number 1 :: Lavi
Omg, LaviLaviLaviLaviLaviiiii~ I am hopelessly in love with him. No, seriously, he's just so effin awesome! His personality is so charming and easy to fall for, and I like his style and appearance, and his Innocence weapon is by far the coolest in the entire anime. I swear, I squeel like a fangirl whenever he's on screen. I LoveLoveLoveLavi~
Haha, also, my favourite pairing from this anime has to be Allen x Lavi. *w*
2nd place :: ONE PIECE~
This was my number one favourite anime for quite a while, as I love the general fun of it and how much it makes me laugh. I swear, no other anime in the world can make me laugh as hard as this one does. I miss the romance, cause it doesn't really have any, and as a bit of a hopeless romantic I do wish for a bit of romance in my animes, but aside from that it's generally just a really awesome anime. I love the characters, I love the story, I love everything about it. It's fun, but with a healthy dose of seriousness and action, and it makes for great entertainment. I just started watching it again, after the 2 year gap (I'm on episode 549), and my love for the anime just keeps on growing. And I love, love, loooove how they've all grown even stronger.
Characters.
I generally like all of the main crew of the Strawhat Pirates, cause they're all so unique and with their own special skills and stories, and they just make a perfect team. I absolutely love them. But, if I have to make a list, then here's my top 5 favourites.
Number 5 :: Trafalgar Law
Didn't get to see much of him, but what little I saw made me permanently love him. He's just really badass. I squeed like a little girl when he showed up to save Luffy at the Marineford battle.
Number 4 :: Shanks
Shaaaaaaannnnnnnksssssss! Yeah, he's just too awesome for me to form proper words. Nuff said.
Number 3 :: Roroanoa Zoro
The most badass member of Luffy's crew, without a doubt. I fukken love him, his fighting style, his awesome personality, and his hilarious lack of sense of direction. Whenever he's on screen, I go squee.
Number 2 :: Monkey D. Luffy
The main character of the series, and by far the most awesome character in the history of characters. His carefree and straight forward personality just makes me love him, and I'd loooove to be a part of his crew. I fully support him becoming Pirate King!
Number 1 :: Portgas D. Ace
Agh. Just agh. This guy became my favourite character the very moment he came on screen for the first time, and I still love him. His style, his personality, well, everything about him. It's just plain awesome. I've seen a lot of loved characters die, and I've cried a lot over them, but Ace's death..? Never to this date have I ever cried so hard over a character dying. Screw logic, I'd give anything to bring him back to life again.
1st place :: FAIRY TAIL~
My number one favourite anime of all time! It has pretty much everything I like. Awesome characters, awesome stories, a fantastic world I'd love to be a part of, and even the style it's drawn in is my favourite (I'm picky about that, actually, and can't watch an anime if I don't like the style it's drawn in, no matter how good it is). It's a fun anime with lots of laughter and hilarious moments, but with that healthy dose of seriousness and sad moments, and it even have some hints of romance here and there, so it got pretty much everything I desire. Not to mention the fact that the main character uses keys as her main magic! This anime was love at first sight for me, and I doubt I'll ever find an anime that can top it. I've seen all they've made of it so far, and I just want moooooooooreeeeeeee!
Characters.
Wow, yeah, that's difficult. I love them all, cause they're all really awesome characters with great stories, and an interesting design to them. It's really hard to just pick a few to display as my favourites. (excuse the spelling, cause I go by the translations I've seen in the anime, and I don't really know if that's how you spell their names or not)
Number 10 :: Wendy Marvel
She brings the cute to the anime in a perfect way that's not too much or too little. I love watching her do battle, cause I like her style. It's also nice to see younger characters front an anime the way she does.
Number 9 :: Gajeel
Geehee. XD I hated his guts when he first showed up, and now he's one of my favourites. I love this god damned bastard! He's just really awesome. Also, I am such a fan of the Gajeel x Levy combo! They're one of my favourite pairings ever.
Number 8 :: Levy McGarden
Probably Lucy's closest friend, and one of the more underestimated characters in the series. Her ability is really awesome, and I really enjoy it whenever she's on screen, especially if Gajeel's around.
Number 7 :: Erza Scarlet
The strongest woman in the guild, and a really badass redhead. How can one not love her? I always enjoy watching her fight, though my favorite moments of her are when she's being all awkward. And I ship Erza x Jellal!
Number 6 :: Gray Fullbuster
That icy bastard. He had me as a fan from the very first moment he appeared. He is just really, really cool (hah, pun intended), especially when he gets all serious in a fight. I support both Gray x Lucy and Gray x Juvia, though the latter is my favourite pairing.
Number 5 :: Mystogan
I prefer him over Jellal, actually. His personality is way more awesome, and whenever he decided to get into the fighting, he made me go squee! He's just effin awesome! I want him baaaaaaaack! ;_;
Number 4 :: Loki
I usually don't like the playboys, but he's just special. The episodes where we got the truth about him are my favourite ones, cause his story just gets me. He is just plain awesome, and my absolute favourite pairing in the anime is Loki x Lucy, fyi! He may joke around, but I think he actually seriously DO love her.
Number 3 :: Natsu Dragneel
How can I not like him? His personality reminds me of both Naruto and Luffy, and I just love the way he never gives up. He'll always stand up, no matter how many times he falls down, and I love that about him. Also, I ship Natsu x Lisanna, without a doubt.
Number 2 :: Lucy Heartfilia
She's so awesome!! I love her magic. Love, love, love it! Also, her personality is just really awesome, and she makes the entire anime worth watching. It's also really nice to see anime with a girl as the main character, especially when there are so many other strong male characters. Aaaand, though I support pairing her up with just about anyone and everyone, my favourite pairing is Lucy x Loki.
Number 1 :: Mavis Vermilion
I WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT HER! Typical me, falling for a dead character, but she's just too awesome not to like her. I mean, she's the founder of the guild, she has the most adorable personality ever (she reminds me so much of one of my own OCs, Citty.), and even though she's dead she's still powerful as fuck. I want more Mavis screen time! I really hope we get to see more of her story when they start making more of the anime.
Aaaaaaand, to wrap up this blog entry, I'mma give you all my list of absolute favourite anime characters of all time. Until next time; toodles~
Number 10 :: Kyo Sohma ~ from Fruits Basket
My favourite carrot-top ever! He may be hotheaded and temperamental, but on him I find it cute. He is by far my favourite zodiac, and if I had known him I'd hug him as often as I could. XD
Aaand, this would be the guy that makes me go mreeeeooow~ He is actually the only reason for why I started watching that anime in the first place. I saw an amv with him, and he reminded me so much of an OC of mine, Cajo, that I just had to check out the anime to see some more of him. He's now my favourite character in the entire anime, and still the main reason for why I watch it.
Number 8 :: Himura Kenshin ~ from Rurouni Kenshin
This used to be one of my favourite animes back when I was a teenager, and Kenshin is still one of my favourite characters. He's just too adorable not to love! Even to this day, I can still let an oro slip out of me every now and then, lol. I love his sweet and kind personality, that can often be awkward and clumsy, yet with a serious side to it when needed. Also, omg, redheaaaads~
Number 7 :: Yoko Littner ~ from Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann
My favourite female redhead! Yoko is kickass awesome, and gorgeous on top of that, and the main reason for why I decided to check out the anime in the first place. I definitely do not regret that I did. ;p
Number 6 :: Monkey D. Luffy ~ from One Piece
I so love his naive and straight forward personality. He's 100% honest at all times, about who he is and what he wants, and he'll always fight for his nakama. And when he gets angry, you're so fucked, cause there's absolutely no stopping this maniac! When he sets a goal, he'll reach it no matter what, and if you're stupid enough to get in the way then you'll get your ass kicked.
Number 5 :: Mavis Vermilion ~ from Fairy Tail
The founder of the Fairy Tail Guild, and the most adorable and awesome ghost ever. She has such a sweet and kind personality, with a hint of sillyness and a bit of serious. She really is my favourite character from that anime, and I absolutely adore her.
Number 4 :: Minato Namikaze ~ from Naruto
Naruto's late father and the 4th Hokage, also known as Konoha's Yellow Flash. He was such an amazing character. When we got to know more about him, and see what he was like when he was alive, I fell for him right away. His amazing personality makes it impossible not to like him, and he truly did deserve the title of 4th Hokage.
Number 3 :: Portgas D. Ace ~ from One Piece
Yeah, I don't know what more I can say about him. He had the most badass and charming personality ever, and I loved it whenever he showed up. The Battle at Marineford arc was by far the most emotional arc in all of One Piece for me, and just thinking about it gives me the chills. I think I got a bit of a weakness for flaming hot characters. ;p
Number 2 :: Chii ~ from Chobits
Oh, how I wish she was mine. Seriously, ever since I first watched Chobits, I've wanted her as my own. She's just too damned adorable, and she makes me all gooey on the inside, in a good way. Oh, the things I'd do to her.... XwX Ah, anyway! She's got to be my favourite female character ever, just because she's so darned cute. Pantsu!
Number 1 :: Lavi ~ from D.Gray-Man
Aaaand, then there's Lavi. By far my favourite male anime character. He's so fukken awesome, if I ever met him irl I'd probably pass out from a typical anime-nosebleed. I just can't get enough of him. I swear, if that guy was real, he'd turn me straight just by looking at me, and I'd love it. He does funky things with my mind, he does... He's got the most charming personality ever, and he's a redhead! How can you not love that? Laaaavi, come kidnap me from this woooorld~
torsdag 29. august 2013
Updates on life, home and health
I'm having one of those days where I'm considering chopping off my legs, which kind of restricts how much I can do. I can make it back and forth between my chair and the toilet if I need to, but beside that I'm just staying in one place. Gotta love these days. X3
Been generally having a really bad week, health wise, so I've just spent my time watching anime (I'm working on a seperate blog entry on that subject), and doing some doodling when it didn't hurt too much to hold a pencil. Actually got quite a lot of doodles done. Got out some really old sketches and finished them so I can smack on some lineart on them later on. Feeling pleased with that, I am.
On another subject, I am looking for a web designer to help me out with a small project of mine. I don't have much money, but I'm willing to put whatever I have into this, so if you're good at what you do (and can work for cheap ;_; ) and you're interested, then leave me a comment here, or send me a message on facebook, or mail me at keyjester@hotmail.com for more information.
The apartment is kind of at a standstill at the moment. My biological father actually got hold of an electrician for me, that was cheap enough for me to afford it, but he couldn't do the job after all. He had too much work on his hands, unfortunately. So, yeah, back to square one. We can finish the upper cupboards, whenever grandpa and dad have the time for it, and maybe start putting the lower ones in place, but I really need an electrician to do some electrical work before I can finish the kitchen. Right now I'm praying for a miracle and a lottery ticket with some money to it. I'd easily settle for just a couple of thousand right now, cause at least that could help me pay an electrician. Though, I wouldn't say no to more. XD Like 50k. That would be really nice right now, and it would help me finish the rest of the apartment. 100k and I can finish the bathroom as well, instead of saving up for a couple of years before I tackle it.
Ah, yeah, now I'm just dreaming.
Either way, the apartment is a chaotic mess, and with my health being a bitch, not much is being done and I basically have to ban people from visiting me. I'd rather not have people over when I'm living in the middle of all this. At least until the kitchen is done, then it'll be a bit easier to clear up the chaos a bit.
Yeah, as I was saying, I'm having a really bad day, cause the pain in my legs is really intense. But, I got some good news today, so I'm feeling good anyway. I got a call from a hospital in another town, and I've been called in for an investigation in about a month. I'll be submitted to the hospital for about 5 days while they do a complete checkup. My old doctor sent them a note about my health problems, and that we think I might have fibromyalgia, asking for them to do a proper investigation, but they've decided to call me in on the suspicions of me having ME.
I've got to admit I was in a state of shock when I saw the letter, cause I didn't really know much about ME (or Chronic Fatigue Symdrome, as it's also called), but the things I have heard of it weren't pleasant things. Not that Fibromyalgia isn't an unpleasant thing to have, but I had somewhat settled on that thought and had gotten used to it, so it didn't sound so bad anymore. So, suddenly getting the suspicion of ME thrown in my face was... Shocking.
But, I've been reading up on it, and I can see why they suspect I might have it. I've calmed down a bit, and I've just decided to have them check me for anything and everything, cause now I just want to know what the actual fuck is going on with my body.
Other than that, my mood is as good as ever. Even though I'm stuck at home, things hurt, my home is chaotic, and I'm being all introvert-mode, I still manage to stay on top of the world and generally just feel great. I'm constantly in love with life, and it keeps me smiling through just about anything. Also, I've got my work, and my guardians, and that's pretty much all I need to be happy in life.
And, mum bought me some Oreos today, so I'm all OMFGhappy! ;)
Been generally having a really bad week, health wise, so I've just spent my time watching anime (I'm working on a seperate blog entry on that subject), and doing some doodling when it didn't hurt too much to hold a pencil. Actually got quite a lot of doodles done. Got out some really old sketches and finished them so I can smack on some lineart on them later on. Feeling pleased with that, I am.
On another subject, I am looking for a web designer to help me out with a small project of mine. I don't have much money, but I'm willing to put whatever I have into this, so if you're good at what you do (and can work for cheap ;_; ) and you're interested, then leave me a comment here, or send me a message on facebook, or mail me at keyjester@hotmail.com for more information.
The apartment is kind of at a standstill at the moment. My biological father actually got hold of an electrician for me, that was cheap enough for me to afford it, but he couldn't do the job after all. He had too much work on his hands, unfortunately. So, yeah, back to square one. We can finish the upper cupboards, whenever grandpa and dad have the time for it, and maybe start putting the lower ones in place, but I really need an electrician to do some electrical work before I can finish the kitchen. Right now I'm praying for a miracle and a lottery ticket with some money to it. I'd easily settle for just a couple of thousand right now, cause at least that could help me pay an electrician. Though, I wouldn't say no to more. XD Like 50k. That would be really nice right now, and it would help me finish the rest of the apartment. 100k and I can finish the bathroom as well, instead of saving up for a couple of years before I tackle it.
Ah, yeah, now I'm just dreaming.
Either way, the apartment is a chaotic mess, and with my health being a bitch, not much is being done and I basically have to ban people from visiting me. I'd rather not have people over when I'm living in the middle of all this. At least until the kitchen is done, then it'll be a bit easier to clear up the chaos a bit.
Yeah, as I was saying, I'm having a really bad day, cause the pain in my legs is really intense. But, I got some good news today, so I'm feeling good anyway. I got a call from a hospital in another town, and I've been called in for an investigation in about a month. I'll be submitted to the hospital for about 5 days while they do a complete checkup. My old doctor sent them a note about my health problems, and that we think I might have fibromyalgia, asking for them to do a proper investigation, but they've decided to call me in on the suspicions of me having ME.
I've got to admit I was in a state of shock when I saw the letter, cause I didn't really know much about ME (or Chronic Fatigue Symdrome, as it's also called), but the things I have heard of it weren't pleasant things. Not that Fibromyalgia isn't an unpleasant thing to have, but I had somewhat settled on that thought and had gotten used to it, so it didn't sound so bad anymore. So, suddenly getting the suspicion of ME thrown in my face was... Shocking.
But, I've been reading up on it, and I can see why they suspect I might have it. I've calmed down a bit, and I've just decided to have them check me for anything and everything, cause now I just want to know what the actual fuck is going on with my body.
Other than that, my mood is as good as ever. Even though I'm stuck at home, things hurt, my home is chaotic, and I'm being all introvert-mode, I still manage to stay on top of the world and generally just feel great. I'm constantly in love with life, and it keeps me smiling through just about anything. Also, I've got my work, and my guardians, and that's pretty much all I need to be happy in life.
And, mum bought me some Oreos today, so I'm all OMFGhappy! ;)
onsdag 21. august 2013
That's your idea of brave?
It was a random remark a page I follow on facebook made, as they posted something about pictures of people, yet it was enough to tickle me in a bad way. It was meant in every positive way possible, I know, but I still can't help but take it negatively.
You're brave for posting pictures of yourself if you're a +size person.
What kind of bullshit is that?
Seriously, what kind of perception does people really have of certain things? Saying that you're brave for posting pictures of yourself when you're a +size is a fukken insult, if you ask me. It's basically saying that it's a very bad thing to be a +size, since you have to be brave just to show it. That is just bullshit! It's talking down on +sized people, is what it is. I know they mean well, the people that say it, but it's stupid. And what makes it even more stupid is that no one really realizes how insulting it really is.
If you really want to give a compliment, you can simply say they're perfect just for being who they are.
I know I always talk a lot about +sized people, mainly because I find it more attractive. I'm a teensy bit on the +side myself, in fact, and I'm extremely satisfied with that. I look good, and curvy. And we all love curves. But the truth is, I don't really care about size. It doesn't matter if you're +size or -size, cause beauty ain't measured in size. Sure, I'd rather not be a -size myself, but that's mainly cause I've been pretty skinny in the past, and trust me when I say that it did NOT look good on me. I look best when I've got mah curves on, as simple as that.
It just annoys me how the so called beauty ideal is something unreachable, both for women and for men, and most of the people smacked on the cover of magazines to portray that ideal beauty ain't even real. It's beauty created from, among other things, surgery, extreme dieting or workout, makeup, and even drugs, all just various ways of torturing yourself just to meet the ideals other people set. It's fake. And it's worthless. There's no way in hell I'd ever go through any of that just to be perceived as "perfect" by others. I got my pride. And I ain't living my life for none other than myself! I set my own ideal for beauty, and I meet that ideal every fukken day. I live up to my own expectations, and not whatever expectations others might have of me.
Now, I don't mean to talk down on people who truly find that public ideal beauty to be real beauty, cause, I mean, we all have different views and taste, and we're all entitled to our opinions. If that's beauty to you, then that's beauty to you! If you want to fight to become that kind of beautiful, then I say GO FOR IT! And don't stop until you reach that goal. Just, promise me that you don't hurt yourself in the process. It's just never worth it, you know, hurting yourself for the sake of something.
What I really want to make a point of is that there are so many different kinds of beauty. I know a lot of so-called +sized people whom are some of the most beautiful people I've ever seen! And also, I know some so-called -sized people (like, omg you wouldn't even believe it, kind of skinny) that looks absolutely perfect. I mean, put some meat on them and they'd lose that beauty. +size, -size, "average", curvy, skinny, fat, stick-figures... All sizes have their own beauty, but unfortunately not everyone sees that. All the people I know that I find beautiful always complains about their looks, and mainly their weight, and they completely miss the fact that they're so damn perfect just the way they are. If they just started loving themselves instead of trying to change themselves, they'd be a whole lot happier. Don't go chasing stupid ideals, cause you'll never be truly happy that way. True happiness comes from accepting yourself, loving yourself, and being proud of yourself, no matter what you look like. Not many people seem to see that.
It just makes me kind of sad. And it tickles me in that bad way.
You're brave for posting pictures of yourself if you're a +size person.
What kind of bullshit is that?
Seriously, what kind of perception does people really have of certain things? Saying that you're brave for posting pictures of yourself when you're a +size is a fukken insult, if you ask me. It's basically saying that it's a very bad thing to be a +size, since you have to be brave just to show it. That is just bullshit! It's talking down on +sized people, is what it is. I know they mean well, the people that say it, but it's stupid. And what makes it even more stupid is that no one really realizes how insulting it really is.
If you really want to give a compliment, you can simply say they're perfect just for being who they are.
I know I always talk a lot about +sized people, mainly because I find it more attractive. I'm a teensy bit on the +side myself, in fact, and I'm extremely satisfied with that. I look good, and curvy. And we all love curves. But the truth is, I don't really care about size. It doesn't matter if you're +size or -size, cause beauty ain't measured in size. Sure, I'd rather not be a -size myself, but that's mainly cause I've been pretty skinny in the past, and trust me when I say that it did NOT look good on me. I look best when I've got mah curves on, as simple as that.
It just annoys me how the so called beauty ideal is something unreachable, both for women and for men, and most of the people smacked on the cover of magazines to portray that ideal beauty ain't even real. It's beauty created from, among other things, surgery, extreme dieting or workout, makeup, and even drugs, all just various ways of torturing yourself just to meet the ideals other people set. It's fake. And it's worthless. There's no way in hell I'd ever go through any of that just to be perceived as "perfect" by others. I got my pride. And I ain't living my life for none other than myself! I set my own ideal for beauty, and I meet that ideal every fukken day. I live up to my own expectations, and not whatever expectations others might have of me.
Now, I don't mean to talk down on people who truly find that public ideal beauty to be real beauty, cause, I mean, we all have different views and taste, and we're all entitled to our opinions. If that's beauty to you, then that's beauty to you! If you want to fight to become that kind of beautiful, then I say GO FOR IT! And don't stop until you reach that goal. Just, promise me that you don't hurt yourself in the process. It's just never worth it, you know, hurting yourself for the sake of something.
What I really want to make a point of is that there are so many different kinds of beauty. I know a lot of so-called +sized people whom are some of the most beautiful people I've ever seen! And also, I know some so-called -sized people (like, omg you wouldn't even believe it, kind of skinny) that looks absolutely perfect. I mean, put some meat on them and they'd lose that beauty. +size, -size, "average", curvy, skinny, fat, stick-figures... All sizes have their own beauty, but unfortunately not everyone sees that. All the people I know that I find beautiful always complains about their looks, and mainly their weight, and they completely miss the fact that they're so damn perfect just the way they are. If they just started loving themselves instead of trying to change themselves, they'd be a whole lot happier. Don't go chasing stupid ideals, cause you'll never be truly happy that way. True happiness comes from accepting yourself, loving yourself, and being proud of yourself, no matter what you look like. Not many people seem to see that.
It just makes me kind of sad. And it tickles me in that bad way.
lørdag 17. august 2013
The biggest change
Strangely enough, there's one question I've gotten lately, from several people (and even from people I never expected it from), and though it really shouldn't, it has somewhat taken me by surprise. I've been asked what the biggest change I've gone through is. And, you know, I found myself giving different answers to all of those who asked.
I've changed a lot, and so I've told people, and even made the effort of making a whole blog entry about that (the User Manual, in case you haven't read it yet). I can hand you an almost endless list of how many things (some even barely noticable, yet still there) that have changed inside me. But what is the biggest change?
I was out walking, earlier tonight, when I realized. It was just a short walk, to go get some food, and yet it was a somewhat enlightening walk. The biggest change I've gone through is that when I'm out walking, instead of looking down on the ground, like I've done all my life, I am now looking up, and ahead.
I've changed a lot, and so I've told people, and even made the effort of making a whole blog entry about that (the User Manual, in case you haven't read it yet). I can hand you an almost endless list of how many things (some even barely noticable, yet still there) that have changed inside me. But what is the biggest change?
I was out walking, earlier tonight, when I realized. It was just a short walk, to go get some food, and yet it was a somewhat enlightening walk. The biggest change I've gone through is that when I'm out walking, instead of looking down on the ground, like I've done all my life, I am now looking up, and ahead.
torsdag 15. august 2013
KeyJester User Manual
(lengthy entry, ahoy!)
I think I wrote an introduction to who I am when I first fired up this blog, but that's a while ago, and I've changed so much since then that you could say I'm a completely different person. It's been over two years since I started on this blog (though I had three other blogs before that, and they're all filled with crap), and in those two years my life has turned up-side-down and I've gone through a complete change inside me. My taste has changed, my way of thinking has changed, and my general feelings have changed. The only thing that haven't changed much is my outside appearance, though even that has gone through some tiny changes. I really am a different person, and if you really, really knew me those years ago, you'd know exactly how different I am.
So, it's time for a new introduction. This is also to "welcome" any new readers I might have, as well as basically give you a User Manual on me if you're planning on getting to know me more. Make sure you read this before you decide to keep me in your life, cause this might just make you change your mind, haha! ;p
I'm a bit of a handful, and I'm fully aware of it, but I can be worth it, for the right kind of people.
In general, the things to keep in mind about me is that when I'm at home, I'm lazy and introverted and hard to reach, but I'm a happy and life-loving person that loves to experience things, and everything from gaming, partying or just having a cup of coffee in town is something I love doing. I love with all my being, and I'll always give my all for my loved ones. I'll have a smile for you any day, and if you need to cry then my shoulder is always ready. I might not have the right words to give you, and I can be somewhat awkward at times, but I care. And I love. I live in a world of my own, and it's a world that will always be a part of me, and that I'll never leave no matter what, but if you're the right person I might just invite you into my world. You really won't regret being a part of it.
I think I wrote an introduction to who I am when I first fired up this blog, but that's a while ago, and I've changed so much since then that you could say I'm a completely different person. It's been over two years since I started on this blog (though I had three other blogs before that, and they're all filled with crap), and in those two years my life has turned up-side-down and I've gone through a complete change inside me. My taste has changed, my way of thinking has changed, and my general feelings have changed. The only thing that haven't changed much is my outside appearance, though even that has gone through some tiny changes. I really am a different person, and if you really, really knew me those years ago, you'd know exactly how different I am.
So, it's time for a new introduction. This is also to "welcome" any new readers I might have, as well as basically give you a User Manual on me if you're planning on getting to know me more. Make sure you read this before you decide to keep me in your life, cause this might just make you change your mind, haha! ;p
I'm a bit of a handful, and I'm fully aware of it, but I can be worth it, for the right kind of people.
- I was born on the 15th of January, 1985, which means that in this writing moment I am 28 years and 7 months old. Only 17 months until I'm 30!
- I'm of the female gender (woo!), and I'm usually extremely feminine. But I also have my extremely boy-ish sides, and I've often been told that my brain tends to act like a male. Whatever that means. XD
- In the short About Me section on the right here I state that I'm a lesbian, and that's also what I tell people, cause it's easier than explaining what I really am. In truth, I'm Wabbly. Yes, I had to make up my own definition of it. XD I feel attracted to, and can fall in love with, anyone, regardless of gender or of they're real people or fictional characters, but I'll only get physical with girls. Panromantic Homosexual, a friend of me called it (thanks for the fancy term, Sophie!).
- I'm independent and confident, but I am only human and have my bad days where I lose that confidence. But for the most part, I'm on top of the world, sure of who I am, and damned proud of it! I don't care what people say about me, but I won't tolerate bullshit either. Call me bad stuff to my face and you're looking for a fight. I'm not afraid to punch you.
- I'm sickly obsessed with keys, and I collect them. Be they actual keys, accessories shaped as keys, clothes with key pics on them, decorations with keys on them, or drawings/pictures of keys (or even the word key in different languages), I want them in my collection. A key is the best gift you can ever give me.
- I love gaming of all sorts, though I mostly stick to RPGs, Online games or old fahsioned pen and paper roleplaying (D&D, Cthulhu). But I'm always open for trying something new.
- I collect gaming consoles as well, and so far I have: Playstation One, 2 and 3, the first Xbox, Nintendo 64, Gamecube and Wii. I also have a Gameboy Color, GB Advance, GB Advance SP, DS and a PSP. I'm proud of my collection, I am!
- My favourite game series ever is The Legend of Zelda. My second favourite is Final Fantasy (and I include Kingdom Hearts in that), and my third fav is Resident Evil. Other games I love is Grandia 1 & 2, Alundra, Dark Chronicle, and Folklore. The online games I'm fiddling with atm is Grand Fantasia, Lord of the Rings Online, Guild Wars 2, World of Warcraft and Aion Online.
- My number one favourite anime of all time is Fairy Tail, with One Piece on 2nd place, and my favourite manga is Sailor Moon.
- My favourite movie at the moment is FFVII: Advent Children Complete, though I generally enjoy all sorts of movies under the fantasy, sci-fi, comedy and/or action genre. I don't do drama, and romantic movies is too sappy for me. Mention Twilight and I'll punch you.
- I don't watch TV, but have a loooong list of series that I want to collect on DVD cause I really love them. Such as Andromeda, Firefly, Charmed, Buffy, Angel, Dark Angel, Supernatural, Ghost Whisperer, Heroes, Roswell, Stargate SG-1, Stargate Atlantis, Torchwood, Xena, Once Upon a Time, The Walking Dead, Legend of the Seeker, CSI: Las Vegas, CSI: Miami, CSI: NY, NCIS, NCIS: Los Angeles, Criminal Minds, and probably some other that I can't think of right now, haha!
- I enjoy reading as well, but I only read fantasy books. I get reality every day, so why read about it? My favourite books are in Norwegian (Som om jeg ikke var til, Våpensøstrene, Isfolket), but I also love two of Maggie Furey's book series - Aurian and Shadowleague - and the Hunger Games books by Suzanne Collins, and The Girl Who Circumnavigated Fairyland in a Ship of Her Own Making by Catherynne M. Valente (awesome book, that, and easily one of my favs!).
- I love music, and I'll always have music on when I'm at home. I'll listen to pretty much anything and everything, from dubstep or techno, to rap, pop or rock, depending on my mood. My spotify playlist is a weird mixture of chaos, and I love it.
- I draw and write a lot, but my real passion is design and creating things. Drawing and writing is just a means to show you what I have in my head. I'm a medium with a link to endless worlds, and my dream is to share it with you all.
- I'm an artist. I do art as a way of expressing who I am or how I feel, cause my art IS me, and though you are entitled to your opinions I will not appreciate ctiticism or suggestions on how to "improve" or make my art "more correct", unless I specifically ask you to, cause I will take that as a personal attack. I'm satisfied with who and what I am, and thus also satisfied with my art. Please respect that
- My characters mean more to me than life itself, so any attack towards them will be met with hostility and I will not hesitate to be mean as fuck. I'm protective of my "family".
- I am diagnosed with - and in the past, suffered heavily under - things such as Dissociative identity disorder, Avoidant Personality Disorder, Dependent Personality Disorder, a slight Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, General Anxiety Disorder, Extreme social phobia, and with the possibilities of things such as Bipolar, ADD, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. These things used to rule my life, and I couldn't handle confrontation, rejection, social life, and life in general, without a complete breakdown and becoming suicidal.
- Even though I'm still diagnosed wih these things, I do not suffer under them anymore. I've learned to control them, and I am now almost a normal functional person. I don't have any trace of anxiety or social phobias, I don't depend on people anymore and though I still prefer to avoid confrontation, I can handle it if it happens. Most people won't even believe me when I tell them of the problems I've had, cause to them I seem so well functioning. I do have a split personality problem still, but for the most part I've got it under control, mostly because I've accepted it instead of fighting it. I know I've got other personalities "in my head" and that's okay. I'd like to think of it as adding more spice to my life. ;p
- My physical health has gotten pretty bad this past year, as I might have Fibromyalgia. It leaves me very tired and out of energy, and I also suffer from extreme pain all over my body. My joints, skeleton, muscles and sometimes even skin tends to ache all over, especially if it's raining or sour outside. My knees, especially, is huge problem for me, cause they constantly hurt, so stairs is like my biggest weakness right now. We're still trying to figure out what's causing all this, and because of it my physical functionability (is that even a word?) is extremely limited. When I have bad days, I can hardly make it out of bed, much less out of my own apartment.
- I'm somewhat introverted. Dealing with people can be draining for me, especially if I'm having bad health days, and when I'm in my "bubble" I'd rather not be bothered.
- My home is my sanctuary, safe place and bubble, and I am highly protective of it. Meaning that I really don't like surprise visits, or generally visits of any kind. People dropping in to say hi, and just check up on me before leaving after 5 min is something I can tolerate. If you want to actually visit, as in sit down and have coffee and/or just spend time with me, check beforehand if I'm okay with it! I really, really don't like having people in my bubble. Having guests over makes me uncomfortable, and it drains me, so I don't take initiative to invite people over.
- If I do, however, invite you over on my own initiative, you should feel fukken honoured! You just got a holy stamp of approval that not many people get, and even though the invitation might only be a one time thing, it's still pretty fukken special.
- The "standing invitation to come over whenever" stamp is so holy and unusual that I can actually count on one hand how many people got that stamp. These people are my dearest darlings, and if you ever hurt them then I will hurt you. Mkay?
- My home really is my bubble, and when I'm inside it it's hard to make me leave. I don't like people calling me or texting me when I'm in my bubble, cause it makes me uncomfortable, but snapchat is okay cause I'm not obliged to answer that, and I generally like taking snaps. Also, if you want me to come meet you or hang out with you when I'm in my bubble, then I'll most likely say no. It's not that I don't like you, or people in general, but my bubble is so fukken comfy that it's hard to leave it. XD That, and I'm insanely lazy. No, really, I'm lazy.
- If I am, however, already outside my bubble, like in town or something, then I'm up for almost anything! I love hanging out, and I'm pretty social when I'm out and about, and anything from having coffee at a cafe, going shopping, going to the movies, partying or just going for a walk is welcomed with open arms.
- I'm generally in love with life, and I like having people around me and doing things, but this only shows when I'm outside the bubble, unfortunately. My programming is weird.
- Alcohol! I have a very good relationship with it, and I'll have you know that aside from Boobs and Bacon, Beer is the love of my life. Alcohol changes a lot of my rules, and if alcohol is involved then I'll just tell you right away that I'm a different person to deal with.
- After one beer I'm average social and can even invite people into my bubble, as well as leave the bubble and do all sorts of things. I'd love to go out and have a beer or two at a bar, especially if it's summer and we can sit outside in the sun and just chat about random things. That's pure happiness for me. If I get on the tipsy side, you'll see my "I love the whole world" way of being, and I'll easily end up having an open house at my home. XD I get socially hungry when I drink, and I love to meet new people. I might be compensating for my everyday introverted self or something, lol. If I'm drunk, I might end up proposing to you as a way of telling you that you're an okay person. Yes, I actually did that once. I tend to overdo things a bit.
- I've got a big mouth in general, or, as we say here in Norway - Stor i kjæftn, snar å spreng (big mouth, but quick to run). But when I drink, I get 100 times worse. I'll promise you the world, meaning well, but not really capable of following up. I'm just so hungry for life, and I love everyone and everything, and want to show it in any way possible, which ends up in me making all sorts of crazy promises and saying stuff I really shouldn't. Don't take me too seriously when I'm drunk, or you'll have a bad time.
- If I do, however, say something you really want to know if I mean it or not, ask me again when I'm sober. If I still say the same, then I can promise you that I mean it. If not, then I'll probably explain to you what I actually meant. XD
- I don't really need to even have alcohol in my system to be fun and social and all of the above things (big mouthed and loving of everyone), but to get in that mood I need to leave my bubble first, and we've already established how hard that is. Beer is usually the best bait to get me to leave it. I never say no to beer. OwO
- Beer (in moderate portions, ofc!) just strengthens my actual personality and makes me energetic and happy. Wine keeps me calm and shows you my mature sides, while bubbly stuff such as champagne or sparkly wine makes me bubbly and childish and want to be all over the place. Drinks make me stupid drunk, shots totally kills me and I'll always end up throwing up, tequila (or, the right amount of it) makes me daring, and Cognac or whiskey makes me tough and sometimes bitchy. Give me coffee and cognac and I'll try to take over the world!
In general, the things to keep in mind about me is that when I'm at home, I'm lazy and introverted and hard to reach, but I'm a happy and life-loving person that loves to experience things, and everything from gaming, partying or just having a cup of coffee in town is something I love doing. I love with all my being, and I'll always give my all for my loved ones. I'll have a smile for you any day, and if you need to cry then my shoulder is always ready. I might not have the right words to give you, and I can be somewhat awkward at times, but I care. And I love. I live in a world of my own, and it's a world that will always be a part of me, and that I'll never leave no matter what, but if you're the right person I might just invite you into my world. You really won't regret being a part of it.
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