Why do we take pride in our flaws, and flaunt them like they are a good thing?
I used to be a horrible cook. I could tell people all sorts of things that I had done - like that time when I was boiling carrots and ended up setting them on fire, and how I've managed to ruin instant noodles - and I'd laugh about it and flaunt it like it was some kind of awesome skill I had, and people used to ban me from the kitchen because of it. Why was that something I took pride in? Why did I tell people that I always managed to prick myself on needles when I'm sewing, making them take everything prickly from me like I was some kind of child?
We do that a lot. We talk about our flaws - because that's what they are - and tell people of all the things we can't do, and then we laugh as if they are something to be proud of. I've done it so often - I still do it, actually - and a lot of the people around me do it as well. But is it really such a good thing to do? No, not really. At least not from the point of view I've gotten lately.
I'm not saying that we should be ashamed, cause that's equally bad - if not worse. I'm just saying that if we recognize a flaw in ourselves, instead of flaunting it and taking pride in it, why can't we make an effort to change it instead?
I've gotten better at cooking. I saw that my lack of cooking skills was not a thing to be proud of, so instead I want to do something about it and try to develop some skills. And the skills I've developed so far are certainly something to be proud of! I can make some pretty decent dinners, and home-made sauces, and I can do some nifty baking. I'm actually quite good! And it's pretty awesome.
I'm semi-decent when it comes to basic sewing, but I want to become even better. I want to learn how to use a sewing machine without threatening to throw the damned thing out of the window every five seconds or so. Yes, sometimes we prick ourselves on needles when we're sewing - they are sharp, after all - but that doesn't mean that we should stay away from them. We just need to learn to handle them better. And that's what I want to do.
Yeah, there's been quite a lot of strange thoughts in my head lately.
So, how are things around here?
Stressful and chaotic, would be the first thing that pops to mind. To be honest, I'm pretty damned exhausted these days, and getting out of bed is painful - both mentally and physically. I'd rather just sleep a year or two, and put the whole world on ignore for a while.
There's just been so much going on around me, with Xmas and everything, and so I haven't really had any time to sit down with nothing but me, myself and I to worry about. I'm still not entirely done with the shit that's been going on in my head, and the dungeon I've been crawling through is starting to get the better of me. I was supposed to move forward, towards the fight against her, but this past month or so I haven't moved a single step. That's what it feels like, at least. I'm not entirely sure why, but it seems like I put those plans away on a shelf somewhere, and just ignored it all. Bad move, woman. Bad move.
After my previous journal entry - Day of Death - I was supposed to dedicate a certain amount of time to each of the Gatekeepers, to work my way through them and gain what strength I needed from them before taking on the boss herself. I got off to a semi-decent start, but then it all sort of faded away. It got drowned in everything else going on around me, because I made the stupid choice of focusing on everything but my own head. It's my own fault, and I know it. And so I'm the only one whom can actually do anything about that.
So, yeah, less focus on the outside, and more focus on the inside.
That aside?
Xmas has been crazy, but it's been good. I have an old friend of mine visiting from New Zealand - she came here earlier in December, and she's staying until after my birthday - and it's been amazing to have her around again. It's been years since I last saw her, and I had forgotten about how comfortable it is to have her around. She truly is the closest friend I have, in every way, and one of the people that means the most to me. It's mainly her support that has kept me going all through the Xmas stress that's been going on, as I'm pretty sure I would've fallen apart by now if it hadn't been for her presence. She's just amazing, and I'm so grateful that she's here, especially since she's one of the very few people that doesn't drain my energy when she's around. If she ever moved here, I'd be the happiest person on the planet.
The Xmas loot this year was absolutely amazing. I'm not entirely pleased with the gifts I gave this year, due to lack of funds and decent ideas, but I'll be sure to make up for it next year instead. But the gifts I got? Mindnumbingly awesome! Can't even remember the last time I was this happy about the Xmas loot, cause everyone just completely outdid themselves this year. I am so amazingly grateful for all the things I've gotten, and I can't thank my loved ones enough.
How's my relationship doing?
It's doing well, actually. We're still taking things pretty slow, and I'm so grateful for that, cause I'm still pretty terrified, but I think we're doing good. We both have our issues, but at least we're aware of it. She has a lot she needs to figure out, cause she isn't exactly in a good place right now, but hopefully things'll get better for her. I want to help her as much as I can, though there isn't much I can do. I'm drained - exhausted and tired - so I can't really provide much support for her. I feel horrible about it, because she's my girlfriend and I love her, and I want to be there for her, but I have little to no strength to draw from. I suppose that's one of the reasons for why I'm so tired these days, cause I keep going around in circles in my head, feeling bad because I can't provide the strength and the support that she needs.
But at least I'm trying to stay honest, and I hope that I've managed to make her understand that I am here for her - I'm always here - and although I can't really provide much support, that she at least knows that she can talk to me.
Two broken people in a relationship is generally not a good thing. I know that from experience. If we're not careful, we'll just end up dragging eachother down, and making eachother way worse than what we were before we met. But I want to try and make this work. We both have a long way to go, on so many areas, and there is no guarantee that things'll work out and that we'll last, but at least we're trying. I'm having a go at something, even though it scares me and everything in me tells me this'll lead me straight down to hell, and I'm hanging in there. Three years ago, I never would've even considered trying. I'd call this progress.
If we just hang in there long enough, and work together, then this might just turn into something that'll last forever. There's a future there, I'm sure of it. And it might just contain a marriage and a bunch of kids. That is, at least, what I'm hoping for.
Right now I'm in a dark spot. Everything looks bad, and I've got at least seven different voices in my head - that I've identified so far - all screaming at me with seven different opinions, and it's driving me nuts. We can't seem to agree on anything, and my insides are a mess. I'm dreading every single thing that is up ahead, and I'm dreading every single new minute as it passes, and I want to scream and shout and throw things and run away.
I want so badly to run away.
To leave this world, and start anew in another one.
But it's just a dark spot.
I'm huddled in a dark room in the dungeon, and I've lost a lot of HP and MP, and I've got little to no restoration items left, and there are tons of enemies on the other side of that door, all waiting for me to come out so they can defeat me. We all have those moments. We've all been in that room, and we've all considered just giving up on the game alltogether. If it's this difficult, why bother playing? I'd be better off if I was dead.
Retreat and regroup.
That's when you do, when you're gaming and you reach a room like that. You retreat there for a while, looking through your options, and then you try to come up with some kind of strategy. Did you miss something? Did you go past a chest that contained a heart without you seeing it? Maybe there is a weapon in this dungeon that'll make you stronger, and that you just haven't found it yet? Maybe you can summon assistance, or find an ally that is imprisoned somewhere?
All valid questions to consider.
I suppose the hardest part about being in a dark spot is trying to keep a clear head, and to be able to look ahead to lighter times. I tend to be bad at that, though I think I've gotten slightly better at it. I know that I'm in a dark spot right now, but I also know that it won't last. I'll get through it, cause I've gotten through way worse things, and I came out even stronger and better after those dungeons.
Retreat and regroup.
That's my plan.
There's a whole new year ahead of me. I'm not gonna be spending that entire year in a god damned dungeon, so I am going to get through this. I'm going to be able to have a great year, filled with awesome things and new experiences, and leveling up. I'm gonna do a shitload of leveling up! Considering the amount of EXP I've gotten so far in this god damned dungeon, I'm gonna reach a whole new level of leveling up. So there.
Anyhouse. Before I sign off, I just want to wish you all HAPPY HOLIDAYS and a HAPPY NEW YEAR, and I hope that 2015 treats you all as well as you deserve to be treated! Thank you for reading, and for following me through all my crazy mind-paths this year, and I hope you'll keep following me next year as well.
Love you all!
~A
