Have a summary of last week, just for the fuck of it:
Okay, the week started off rather good. I got out of bed an hour later than planned, yet two hours earlier than usual, so I was satisfied. Managed to wake up rather fast, too, after I had my morning coffee, which was even more satisfying, and adding the fact that I hardly had any pain at all, that Monday morning was just a blissful heaven with an angelic choir in the background.
Totes awesome~
Also, I decided rather quickly that I need to take my coloured weekdays to a new level.
Uhm, what?
Well, you see, I tend to assign colours to absolutely everything. I colour code my rooms, I associate feelings and things with various colours, all the months have different colours assigned to them, and, among many other colour coded things, all the weekdays have colours as well (apparently, this is an actual condition, named Synesthesia). And as I was getting out some fresh jammies for when I got out of the shower that monday morning, I decided that I need to buy more jammies in different colours, cause I want to wear a different set every day. One that matches the colour of the day. Isn't that just the best idea ever!? It totally is~
Then I had a spur of the moment idea, and decided to shower my cat. She's been sneezing a lot lately. and inbetween my worrying about her having the cold or allergies (can cats even have that?), it popped into mind that her fur has been rather dusty lately. I think she's been partying with the dust bunnies that are invading my apartment... So, yeah, a quick rinse sounded like a good idea. And it was horrible - for her. My cat doesn't get angry when I shower her, actually. She gets terrified, and she clings to me, shivering, as if begging me to save her from the evil water, which is heartbreakingly adorable. But now she's showered, and I plan on tidying up the place and cleaning it this week, so we'll see if that doesn't stop her sneezing.
Also, I started on planning that weekly schedule of mine, and finished Blue Monday~
9:00-ish ~ Get out of bed, and get some god damned coffee.
I really, really need to try and stick to getting up at one set time, to program my inner clock.
10:00 AM ~ Breakfast.
I suck at remembering about breakfast, so I need to add that to the schedule.
Between 10:00 and 11:00 ~ Take a shower.
Because Monday is a shower day (and yes, I do have set shower days).
Between 11:00 and Noon ~ Make the Battle Plan for the week ahead.
Important! Gotta mentally prepare myself for what's planned for the week.
Noon ~ Head out for a walk.
I need to move around more, and actually get some fresh air AT LEAST once a week.
Between 13:00 and 17:00 PM ~ GaiaOnline work.
Yes, GaiaOnline. I manage two guilds, and a request thread, on top of being in various roleplays here and there, so I really need to set aside a lot of time to focus on all that.
17:00-ish ~ Dinner!
Cause I suck at remembering to eat dinner as well.
17:00-ish to 20:00/21:00-ish ~ Second Saturday with Candy
Because gaming and geeking is fun~
22:00 PM ~ Time to finish whatever I'm doing and do the evening routines.
23:00 PM ~ Turn off everything and get ready for bed.
So far, that looks like a decent schedule for my Mondays.
Night to Tuesday, I dreamt a full episode of Supernatural (I'm not even joking - an entire episode), along with some other ghostly haunted dreams. I am starting to think I should tackle the fact that my apartment isn't as empty as it should be. I have guests here. Le sigh~
BroSis Tuesday got canceled due to a family dinner, but that's okay, cause I had other plans for the day anyway. Spent the beginning of the day going back and forth between working and taking care of stuff in the apartment, and then only had a minor mental meltdown with lots of frustration - pro-tip; don't punch concrete walls - before a family dinner. Dinner was nice, though it didn't help on my meltdown, so the rest of the evening at home was mainly spent doodling and watching some stuff on Youtube in an attempt to keep myself together. Had a minor visit from one of my other selves - Ahsk - whom is a guy, which did some genderbending on me, and was also the only thing keeping me sane enough to actually participate in the family dinner, before he took off again.
It was a hell day. On the upside, I finished the schedule part for Yellow Tuesday~
9:00-ish ~ Get out of bed.
10:00 ~ Breakfast
11:00 - 14:00 ~ Work (whichever type I feel up for)
14:00 ~ BroSis Tuesday!
20:00 - 22:00 Relaxing and gaming on my own.
22:00 ~ Finish the game and do the evening routines.
23:00 ~ Turn off everything and get ready for bed.
And then Wednesday came, after a rather bad night. My cat still isn't doing too well, and I'm worried, and when I get worried, I sleep so fucking light that even the slightest noise wakes me up. So every time she sneezed, I woke up in full panic mode. Yay.
This caused a nice mix of anxiety and omgidon'twannaexisttoday that was constantly having a grip on me the entire day. Even more yay. Can't remember the last time I felt so paralyzed, and all I could think about was having someone else come and take over my life while I ran away, cause I just couldn't deal with anything. Literally, I couldn't figure out how to deal with anything at all that entire fucking day. Did some doodling, to try and distract myself, though that only helped for a short while, so I cleaned the toilet. And took out the trash. And folded clothes. And somewhere inbetween that insanity, Ahsk came to the rescue, and the rest of the day is a blur. I think he did some tidying up around the place, but I dunno.
At least I finished the schedule part for Turquoise Wednesday~
9:00-ish ~ Get out of bed.
10:00 ~ Breakfast.
10:00 - 11:00 ~ Shower.
12:00 ~ Open spot, might do some work, might go to town, who knows~
17:00-18:00-ish ~ Date Day with mum (and possibly dinner before that)
Gonna try and get home at around 22:00 so I can do the evening routines.
23:00 Turn off everything and head to bed.
Aaaaand, then Thursday came.
Omg.
Omfg, Ahsk!!
I swear, I'm gonna kill him. He did just about everything he's not supposed to do that day! He went out in public - as himself! I only came to terms with my Dissociative Disorder - aka having other personalities - a couple of years ago, and I'm still working on fully accepting it and making people around me aware of it, and I literally just started wondering if I might be genderfluid - since one of my other personas is a guy - as in just earlier this week, and then that idiot comes along and actually tells one of my friends straight out that he's genderfluid, and she's not even aware of me having other personas! I just.. I can't even.
And he went to town. And stopped by my sister. Still being him! And, to top it off, he decided that since I had - emphasis on had - two bottles of champagne in the fridge, that he'd invite Candy - my ex girlfriend - to come drink with him.
I can't even.
But, if nothing else, at least he finished the schedule part for Purple Thursday~
9:00-ish ~ Get out of bed.
10:00 ~ Breakfast.
11:00 ~ Put on some laundry, and then sit down and relax for a bit.
12:00 and out ~ Purposedly left open. Can make plans that involves leaving the house, or might just spend the day working on whatever we feel like working on at the time.
17:00 ~ Dinner
18:00 ~ Entertainment time - either gaming or watching something.
22:00 ~ Time to finish whatever I'm doing and do the even routines.
23:00 ~ Turn off everything and head to bed.
Ahsk was still around on Friday - and not even hung over! It's weird, though, but he never gets hung over, no matter how drunk he gets. I get hung over by just sniffing a beer, and he can drink until he passes out and still be energetic and upbeat the day after. How's that even possible? No, really, how the fuck??
Also, it was supposed to be Flashback Friday (x2 since I had to cancel it last Friday), but do you think he sat down and did blogging? No. He did not. I'm not even sure what he was doing, cause, yeah, most of it is just a blur, but what I do know is that he completely rearranged all the things I had organized in the livingroom, and made a whole mess out of everything. And went grocery shopping - still as himself.
And he finished the schedule part for Green Friday~
9:00-ish ~ Get out of bed.
10:00 ~ Breakfast.
10:00 - 11:00 Shower ~
12:00 ~ Be ready for grocery shopping (whenever that happens)
Do some work while waiting to get picked up.
Do some more work when I get home, depending on when the shopping was.
18:00 ~ Dinner and relaxation time!
19:00 ~ Me time and gaming the rest of the evening!
The Saturday came, and Ahsk was still charge. And he went to town with mum, not even bothering to cover up the fact that he wasn't me. Mum catched on pretty quick, and Ahsk being the asshat he is, he told her straight out what was going on. I'd kill him, but... What he did there, it really showed me how much of an amazing mother I truly have. She fully accepted that he wasn't me, and kept asking questions about him, and even asked for his name so she knew what to call him.
I'm... I don't have words. I can never, ever, express how grateful I am for having such an amazingly loving, understanding, and accepting mother. She wins the mother of the year - no, mother of forever and always! - award, that's for sure.
And, I'm not entirely sure what else Ahsk did that day, cause most of it is a blur - as it usually is when any of the others are in charge - but I do know he continued rearranging stuff in my livingroom, which changed my entire Geek Display around the TV area, and bought a new DVD shelf to compliment the one a friend gave me, and filled it with things. Though... I'll admit that it looks a tiny bit better now. But just a tiny bit!
And then he made dinner before he just disappeared, and I was left sitting on my couch, with food in front of me, wondering what the fuck I was supposed to do with all the feels I was having forced upon me.
I cried a lot that evening.
There was a lot to process, cause Ahsk really did kick up a lot of dust all around me - and inside me - and then I found a half-started blog entry that was written as a letter for me, by him. Which made me cry even more.
I sort of kept together long enough to finish the schedule part for Red Saturday~
10:00-ish ~ Get out of bed.
11:00 ~ Breakfast.
11:00 - 12:00 ~ Get ready for a trip to town
12:00-ish ~ Town
17:00-ish ~ Dinner
Then relax and get ready for socializing
19:00-ish ~ Socializing time!
Yes, this is going to be hard to keep up, but I am going to try and keep Saturday as social days, and actually have more contact with people. Though, that being said, if I'm having a bad period, then I'll just stick to being social online instead of going out or inviting people over. Gotta respect my health - both mental and physical - that much I've learned.
I relaxed the rest of the Saturday, just doing some gaming and drinking wine, before I went to bed early. I was tired as fuck on Sunday, but got out of day and prepared for a day of relaxation. Which... Turned into a day of being completely absorbed with my work on GaiaOnline. 10 hours of work, to be exact, and my body wanted to kill me when I finally crawled to bed.
But it felt a bit good though, cause I'm starting to get my groove back, and hopefully this means that I'll be able to kick back open the RPs that I'm in right now so I can keep RPing with my awesome friends and their kickass characters.
Oh, and I finished the schedule part for Orange Sunday~
10:00 - 11:00-ish ~ Get out of bed.
12:00 ~ Breakfast.
And then total relaxation the entire day, with gaming or some other entertainment.
17:00-ish ~ Dinner (either here, or with the family)
Rest of the evening is even more relaxing, and recharging for the week ahead.
22:00 ~ Start doing the evening routines.
23:00 ~ Turn off everything and get ready for bed.
This is the schedule I'm gonna try to live by from now on. Of course, things happen, and I have to rearrange certain days every now and then, but for the most part I'll stick to this. At least for a couple of months, to see if this works for me. And if it does, then I'll keep living by it, and if it doesn't, then I'll tweak it some more until it works.
So, here we go~
mandag 23. februar 2015
søndag 15. februar 2015
A kick to the face
So, Flashback Friday got canceled, mainly because I spent the day curled up in bed, crying. I'll make up for it by posting a double Flashback next Friday.
I've had one hell of a weekend, and now is the first time I've managed to move around without wanting to lay down and die, because of the god damned pain. Living with fibromyalgia can be a fucking bitch sometimes, and especially Friday worked as a really good reminder of exactly how much of a bitch it can be.
So, my sister decided to paint her hallway while her boyfriend is away, and on Wednesday I got a snap from her where she said that she was in over her head and wouldn't finish in time for the weekend. Now, she's been there for me so much, especially while I've been working on the renovations, so there's was no doubt in my mind that I wanted to go help her. So I told her I'd be there the next day - Thursday - to help her out. I don't regret that decision one bit, because I'm really happy I could finally do something for her in return for all the things she has done for me.
On Thursday, I walked down to the store to buy more paint, since she was out, and that's the one thing I regret. I never should've walked down there, even hough it was a short walk, cause it was enough to knock me out. I should've asked if anyone could drive me, but I'm just so damned sick of having to rely on people having to drive me around all the time, because of this stupid condition of mine, so I just really wanted to do that one thing on my own. Which was stupid of me, I know, and I regret it, but it's done and there's nothing I can do about that.
Then I headed off to her apartment - managed to hitch a ride with my father, thankfully, so I didn't have to walk there as well - and since she was still at work, I spent those 3-4 hours alone at her place, going up and down a stepladder to paint her hallway. And I did manage to paint it - all of it - in time for when she got back home from work. The look on her face when she walked in the door was just priceless, and it was worth every single second. I know it was stupid of me to paint an entire hallway on my own like that, especially after that walk to and from the store, but it felt so good. Just being out of the apartment, doing something else, and actually being able to move around and do some physical work for a change - it felt like heaven. I enjoyed every second of it, and I had tons of fun, and, as I said, the look on my sister's face was just the best reward ever. She was so happy! And I had opened a bottle of wine I had with me, so there was a glass waiting for her, so all she had to do was sit down and relax and do some gaming, and being able to give her that just made my day. I made dinner, and then we just sat and drank wine, while I watched her play Final Fantasy VII.
It was one of the best days I've had in a long time, and I enjoyed it so much.
I don't regret doing that at all!
And then Friday came, and the fibromyalgia decided to jump in with a kick to the face, dealing a rather nasty reminder of how little I am capable of. I couldn't move without the pain shooting through my body, forcing tears out of me, and just breathing was hard. I dragged myself out of bed - it took me a couple of hours, due to the pain - and got on the computer to go through my mourning routines. And then I remembered that I was almost out of meds, so I wanted to go check if I had any prescriptions on it - and order a new one if I didn't - and found that the chip I use to log in to sites like that - including the bank - was broken, so I couldn't log in. I had to order a new one, which was pretty expensive, and it'll take way over a week before it's here - and I have exactly 7 days of medication left.
That was the last drop.
I just fell completely apart, and barely managed to stumble back into the bed before I collapsed, and all I could do was cry. I cried because of the pain, because it was so horribly bad, and I cried because I was so frustrated over my own body, and how little it takes before it gives up on me. I mean, I know I'm not as capable as most people, and that I have my limitations because of the fibromyalgia, but this reminder was such a kick in the face. It felt like a defeat, and all I could think about was how I was never going to be a proper functional human being. I've been non-functional all my life because of my mental issues, and when I'm finally free of those, and I think I can have a normal life, I get this physical condition that I'm going to have for the rest of my life.
I'm broken, and I'm never going to be fixed.
It's such a crushing feeling to have - really, you have no idea how horrible it is to feel that way - and I can't seem to shake it off. Every time I try to get back on my feet, the fibro comes and kicks me down, and every time it does I just feel more and more like not bothering to get back up again. It's so hard to keep going.
Some days, I just want to give up.
But I don't though. I suppose it's a good thing that I'm stubborn - and that I have my wonderful companions - cause I've yet to fully give up. I managed to get through that Friday, despite how hard it was, and how the only proper thought I managed to have inbetween gasping for breath due to the combination of pain and crying was that I didn't want to live like this. I pulled through, like I always do, and made it to Saturday.
Another day of pain, and being stuck in bed most of the day, though the pain wasn't as bad as the day before. It made me feel slightly better, though I was still feeling horribly depressed about how dysfunctional my body is, so I just stayed in bed most of the day, trying to pull myself together. My mum dropped by with food and love at one point, which made feel a bit better about things, and I spent a lot of time just working on sketches and designing clothes for Liz, which made me feel even better. When I finally managed to move out of the bed, I spent the rest of my Valentine's Day with wine and some Final Fantasy VII, and as the evening progressed, I finally managed to feel good about myself again.
Today I'm feeling better, both physically and mentally. The pain isn't as bad, and I can move around again, and most of the depressing thoughts are finally gone. Which I knew would happen, deep down, cause those rough days are just that. Rough days. They'll pass, and I'll be okay again. It's one hell of a roller coaster, but... It certainly beats the alternative. I'd rather live a roller coaster life, than not live at all.
I'm really tired today - mentally - and I wish I could sleep for a thousand years, but I know it's just the aftermatch of some really rough days. I'm just gonna relax the entire day, do some sketching and some more gaming later, and I'll be fine. I'll take it easy the next week as well, while slowly working on getting back on my feet. I'm gonna finish working on that schedule - which is the only proper plan I have for next week - and then I'll get started on living by that schedule the week after that.
Although this reminder of how bad my health is was a painful blow, I suppose the good thing about it is that I now fully know how much I need to take my health into consideration while putting that schedule together. I have such horrible limitations, but if I am considerate of them, and slowly work on stretching them, then maybe things will get better. That is, at least, what I'm hoping for.
So, yeah. I'm okay. I just need to learn to take things really slow.
I'm clearly having a rough period with my health, and I just need to be considerate of that. The most annoying part - aside from the obvious hell days I've had - is my eye-sensitivity acting up again. It's been acting up these past couple of weeks, which makes it rather painful to be online on certain sites. I'm glad I changed the layout of my blog, cause the one I've got now isn't as painful to my eyes as my older ones. Most of the sites I check daily have a good colour scheme that is soft on my eyes, but others... Like Facebook, for example. There's a lot of white. Dark text on white background - and the opposite, light text on dark background - are the two worst things for my eyes. The newer facebook is a tiny bit better though, cause the background is more of a soft grey now, instead of white, which is a lot better. And GaiaOnline - the other site I frequent a lot - also have that softer grey, on top of the fact that you can alter your post style. I have the document post style, which gives my posts a light brownish backdrop, and that is a lot easier on my eyes.
I got a lighter blue/turquoise on my twitter, cause the white I had just killed my eyes, and DeviantArt has that lovely green. My instagram, however, is pretty harsh on my eyes, so I mainly stick to using it on my phone. But my main mail, and a couple of the other sites I check out, they've all got white background, which is killing my eyes, and giving me a rather nasty headache.
I hope the sensitivity decides to ease down a bit soon, cause I really can't turn the light on my screen any further down now, and I do a lot of work on the computer these days. Ah, yeah, another problem right there! All the folder work I'm doing on my computer is hard, cause there's white background there as well. Is there any way of changing that? Cause I'd love to be able to change it to a more softer colour than white. Like blue, or green, or purple - hell, I'll even take yellow! As long as it's a soft colour, I don't really care what colour it is. Not black, though, cause it's just as bad as the white.
Ugh.
Yeah, my body isn't being nice. But, as I said, I'm okay.
I pull through.
That's what I always do.
I've had one hell of a weekend, and now is the first time I've managed to move around without wanting to lay down and die, because of the god damned pain. Living with fibromyalgia can be a fucking bitch sometimes, and especially Friday worked as a really good reminder of exactly how much of a bitch it can be.
So, my sister decided to paint her hallway while her boyfriend is away, and on Wednesday I got a snap from her where she said that she was in over her head and wouldn't finish in time for the weekend. Now, she's been there for me so much, especially while I've been working on the renovations, so there's was no doubt in my mind that I wanted to go help her. So I told her I'd be there the next day - Thursday - to help her out. I don't regret that decision one bit, because I'm really happy I could finally do something for her in return for all the things she has done for me.
On Thursday, I walked down to the store to buy more paint, since she was out, and that's the one thing I regret. I never should've walked down there, even hough it was a short walk, cause it was enough to knock me out. I should've asked if anyone could drive me, but I'm just so damned sick of having to rely on people having to drive me around all the time, because of this stupid condition of mine, so I just really wanted to do that one thing on my own. Which was stupid of me, I know, and I regret it, but it's done and there's nothing I can do about that.
Then I headed off to her apartment - managed to hitch a ride with my father, thankfully, so I didn't have to walk there as well - and since she was still at work, I spent those 3-4 hours alone at her place, going up and down a stepladder to paint her hallway. And I did manage to paint it - all of it - in time for when she got back home from work. The look on her face when she walked in the door was just priceless, and it was worth every single second. I know it was stupid of me to paint an entire hallway on my own like that, especially after that walk to and from the store, but it felt so good. Just being out of the apartment, doing something else, and actually being able to move around and do some physical work for a change - it felt like heaven. I enjoyed every second of it, and I had tons of fun, and, as I said, the look on my sister's face was just the best reward ever. She was so happy! And I had opened a bottle of wine I had with me, so there was a glass waiting for her, so all she had to do was sit down and relax and do some gaming, and being able to give her that just made my day. I made dinner, and then we just sat and drank wine, while I watched her play Final Fantasy VII.
It was one of the best days I've had in a long time, and I enjoyed it so much.
I don't regret doing that at all!
And then Friday came, and the fibromyalgia decided to jump in with a kick to the face, dealing a rather nasty reminder of how little I am capable of. I couldn't move without the pain shooting through my body, forcing tears out of me, and just breathing was hard. I dragged myself out of bed - it took me a couple of hours, due to the pain - and got on the computer to go through my mourning routines. And then I remembered that I was almost out of meds, so I wanted to go check if I had any prescriptions on it - and order a new one if I didn't - and found that the chip I use to log in to sites like that - including the bank - was broken, so I couldn't log in. I had to order a new one, which was pretty expensive, and it'll take way over a week before it's here - and I have exactly 7 days of medication left.
That was the last drop.
I just fell completely apart, and barely managed to stumble back into the bed before I collapsed, and all I could do was cry. I cried because of the pain, because it was so horribly bad, and I cried because I was so frustrated over my own body, and how little it takes before it gives up on me. I mean, I know I'm not as capable as most people, and that I have my limitations because of the fibromyalgia, but this reminder was such a kick in the face. It felt like a defeat, and all I could think about was how I was never going to be a proper functional human being. I've been non-functional all my life because of my mental issues, and when I'm finally free of those, and I think I can have a normal life, I get this physical condition that I'm going to have for the rest of my life.
I'm broken, and I'm never going to be fixed.
It's such a crushing feeling to have - really, you have no idea how horrible it is to feel that way - and I can't seem to shake it off. Every time I try to get back on my feet, the fibro comes and kicks me down, and every time it does I just feel more and more like not bothering to get back up again. It's so hard to keep going.
Some days, I just want to give up.
But I don't though. I suppose it's a good thing that I'm stubborn - and that I have my wonderful companions - cause I've yet to fully give up. I managed to get through that Friday, despite how hard it was, and how the only proper thought I managed to have inbetween gasping for breath due to the combination of pain and crying was that I didn't want to live like this. I pulled through, like I always do, and made it to Saturday.
Another day of pain, and being stuck in bed most of the day, though the pain wasn't as bad as the day before. It made me feel slightly better, though I was still feeling horribly depressed about how dysfunctional my body is, so I just stayed in bed most of the day, trying to pull myself together. My mum dropped by with food and love at one point, which made feel a bit better about things, and I spent a lot of time just working on sketches and designing clothes for Liz, which made me feel even better. When I finally managed to move out of the bed, I spent the rest of my Valentine's Day with wine and some Final Fantasy VII, and as the evening progressed, I finally managed to feel good about myself again.
Today I'm feeling better, both physically and mentally. The pain isn't as bad, and I can move around again, and most of the depressing thoughts are finally gone. Which I knew would happen, deep down, cause those rough days are just that. Rough days. They'll pass, and I'll be okay again. It's one hell of a roller coaster, but... It certainly beats the alternative. I'd rather live a roller coaster life, than not live at all.
I'm really tired today - mentally - and I wish I could sleep for a thousand years, but I know it's just the aftermatch of some really rough days. I'm just gonna relax the entire day, do some sketching and some more gaming later, and I'll be fine. I'll take it easy the next week as well, while slowly working on getting back on my feet. I'm gonna finish working on that schedule - which is the only proper plan I have for next week - and then I'll get started on living by that schedule the week after that.
Although this reminder of how bad my health is was a painful blow, I suppose the good thing about it is that I now fully know how much I need to take my health into consideration while putting that schedule together. I have such horrible limitations, but if I am considerate of them, and slowly work on stretching them, then maybe things will get better. That is, at least, what I'm hoping for.
So, yeah. I'm okay. I just need to learn to take things really slow.
I'm clearly having a rough period with my health, and I just need to be considerate of that. The most annoying part - aside from the obvious hell days I've had - is my eye-sensitivity acting up again. It's been acting up these past couple of weeks, which makes it rather painful to be online on certain sites. I'm glad I changed the layout of my blog, cause the one I've got now isn't as painful to my eyes as my older ones. Most of the sites I check daily have a good colour scheme that is soft on my eyes, but others... Like Facebook, for example. There's a lot of white. Dark text on white background - and the opposite, light text on dark background - are the two worst things for my eyes. The newer facebook is a tiny bit better though, cause the background is more of a soft grey now, instead of white, which is a lot better. And GaiaOnline - the other site I frequent a lot - also have that softer grey, on top of the fact that you can alter your post style. I have the document post style, which gives my posts a light brownish backdrop, and that is a lot easier on my eyes.
I got a lighter blue/turquoise on my twitter, cause the white I had just killed my eyes, and DeviantArt has that lovely green. My instagram, however, is pretty harsh on my eyes, so I mainly stick to using it on my phone. But my main mail, and a couple of the other sites I check out, they've all got white background, which is killing my eyes, and giving me a rather nasty headache.
I hope the sensitivity decides to ease down a bit soon, cause I really can't turn the light on my screen any further down now, and I do a lot of work on the computer these days. Ah, yeah, another problem right there! All the folder work I'm doing on my computer is hard, cause there's white background there as well. Is there any way of changing that? Cause I'd love to be able to change it to a more softer colour than white. Like blue, or green, or purple - hell, I'll even take yellow! As long as it's a soft colour, I don't really care what colour it is. Not black, though, cause it's just as bad as the white.
Ugh.
Yeah, my body isn't being nice. But, as I said, I'm okay.
I pull through.
That's what I always do.
tirsdag 10. februar 2015
Ramble shamble, schedule gamble?
Sidenote - the previous entry was my 100th entry! And I forgot to celebrate. Damn it.
So, I've officially turned my days around. I'm staying up late and sleeping half the day away, which is, you know, not a good thing. I'm not entirely sure how this happened, but I'm guessing it's a combo of struggling to pull my life together, my period hitting a week earlier than it was supposed to, and the fucking weather going apeshit on us.
About the life thing, I realized that pulling it together is a lot harder when you let it fall completely apart before you start pulling. Not that it's my actual life that needs some pulling, cause the life around me is doing well. It's, you know, my inside that fell apart. I fell apart, and thus everything else fell apart as well. And I'm strugling really bad in my attempt to pull things together, and failing miserably. But, another thing I realized is one of the reasons for why I'm failing. How can I pull my life together, when I'm not even sure how I want my life to be?
So, yeah, I realized that I suddenly don't know what to do with my life.
That was a strange and horrible realization.
I mean, I thought I had that one all figured out, but turns out I was wrong. And I'm not thinking life on a larger scale, but more on a smaller, daily scale. What do I want to do with my days? I'm not really sure, actually. I know I want to dedicate this year to my work, but I'm not sure how. And how to make a functional schedule for my days. Well, that's a problem.
And I need to tackle that problem before I do anything else.
A while back, my sister told me about this site where she had ordered a custom made dayplanner, and I decided to have a go at that. One of the reasons for why I don't use dayplanners is that I can't ever find one that fits my taste, but this site let me completely design it myself, which was pretty awesome. It arrived in the mail yesterday, and it's looking really good. And now I'm thinking I should make proper use of it by using it to put together a weekly schedule for me.
But before I start going by that schedule, I really should try and pull my head together. I'm in a dump, mentally, and I can't seem to get out of it. I've gone back to not wanting to leave the apartment, and I just can't handle having people around me. Not sure how to fix this issue. Now I kind of miss having someone in my life. Actually, I miss my Bluebird, cause she's my best friend, and I'm pretty sure she'd manage to drag me out of my dump. I mean, showing up at my door and dragging me out to socialize is a nice thought - and what most people would do - but being the introvert that I am with the issues I have, that doesn't really work well with me. Mainly, the leaving the apartment part won't work well. But I'm sure Bluebird would've figured out something good that would work, and then she'd show up and help me work my way out of this dump.
She understands the workings of my brain, she's very respectful of my issues, and, most importantly, she's very familiar with my work, and she's very supportive of it. I'm pretty certain she'd find some way of using my work to drag me out of my dump. Cause, you know, my work usually is what saves me whenever I need to be saved.
But, yeah, mental issues aside, I'm gonna start putting together that weekly schedule of mine that I'm gonna (hopefully) be living by when February is over. This is, roughly, what I've got so far.
Monday
This used to be 2nd Saturday with Candy, but now I'm not sure what I want to do with the day. My immediate idea is Battle Plan Monday, where I sit down and make my battle plan for the rest of the week, and just generally prepare myself for whatever's planned for that week. Need to sit down and work more on this one, cause this is by far the most troublesome day of the week.
Tuseday
The official BroSis Tuesday where my brother comes over to play games and have fun, since he's got a short school day that day. I am not changing that for anything in the world, so it's still gonna stay as BroSis Tuesday. Though I still need to figure out what to do with the time of the day before and after my brother has been here.
Wednesday
Used to be Date Day with Mum, and we do plan on going back to doing that, but we're gonna wait a bit due to winter being a bitch and stuff. But yeah, I want to keep on having those Date Days where I go down to mum's, have dinner with them, and then me and mum sit and watch whatever seriers we're working our way through at the moment. But that's in the afternoon, so I still need to make decent plans for the earlier parts of the day.
Tuesday
My empty day. It's been empty for a while, with no real plans attached to it, so I'm considering using it as a full on work day. You know, just spending the entire day working on whatever it is I'm working on at the moment, and just ignore everything else. Still not sure about that though, so I need to give it some more thought.
Friday
Grocery shopping day, and my personal ME day. On Fridays I go grocery shopping with my parents, which has been tradition for aaages now, and that's not gonna change. And then, in the evenings, I have my ME time where I just sit and game and relax the entire evening. I don't think I'm gonna put anything else in there, to be honest, cause I like this day just the way that it is.
Saturday
Social day! Yeah, the one day of the week where I like being social, lol. Me and mum often go to town on Saturdays, which I really enjoy, and Saturday evenings is usually a good time to go out and party or meet friends. I'mma kick that up again, and try to get back into the social life once more, using Saturdays as the day for that. I also want to have one Saturday every month where I invite people over for Board Game Night! I've had that idea for a while, and this year I want to have a go at that. And then at least ONE Saturday of going out drinking. The other two..? Still haven't decided, so we'll see.
Sunday
Relaxation day. And recharge day. And it's also the day of the week where my family often invites me down for family dinner, which is something I enjoy. I think I'm mainly just going to let Sunday stay a recharge and relaxation day where I mainly stay at home and just take it easy, soak up the week that was, and gather the energy I need to face yet another week.
So, you see, I do have some half-baked plans for what I want to do with my weekly schedules, but I want to have more than just half-baked ones. I want a proper schedule, that goes by the clock as well. Which would include my plan of trying to get up at around 9 AM in the morning, so I actually have time to do the things on my schedule, AND going to bed at a decent hour. I had a good schedule on that a while ago, where I quit whatever I was doing at 22:00 PM - be it gaming or working - and then just spendt an hour catching up on internet stuffs before I got ready to go to bed at around 23:00 PM. My goal was to be in bed before midnight, and hopefully on my way to dreamland, and for a while that worked really well, and I managed to get up early in the mornings.
I need to try and work my way back to that, cause it's a good schedule to go by.
And I also need to set up proper work hours. Right now I'm doing random work on random things at random hours, which isn't really all that great. Sure, I get things done, but it's slow-going and chaotic. And if I am to stick to my plans and reach my goals for this year, I really need to organize my work a bit better. So, yeah, an actual work schedule would do me good, and then I'd have to be really strict and stick to that schedule, no matter what. Maybe that'll give some more purpose to my days, and it'll help me feel like I'm achieving something, which would do me a lot of good, mentally speaking.
Also, I need to learn to try and stick to working on one thing at a time, though that's gonna be really hard. I'm a very spaztic artist, and my inspiration is pretty much ADHDing 99% of the time, so I tend to jump back and forth with things I'm working on. I should try and re-program my brain on that area, cause that's the main reason for why I never manage to complete things. I work on something, then my brain spazzes and I start doing something else, and what I started on gets put aside and forgotten. It's problematic, and I need to try and find a way around that.
I like this new approach to my work on my companions that I'm having these days. Just focusing on one at a time, trying to get a good overview of it and putting things in order, is a good way to work. It helps me see them better for who they really are, which is, you know, something I failed to do in the past. I'm still focusing my energy on Liz - which is good, considering how she's my dearest and most important companion - and I'm gonna keep doing that up until I feel like I've got everything I need on her. And then I'll move on to the next one. So, yeah.
The only thing sidetracking me there is the Clavis Triplets. They surfaced a while ago, and they demand a lot of attention from me, and I do have a plan of making a manga about them, but I'm still working on a plan for that. So I really should be putting them on hold, which is hard. They are very demanding, and also very interesting, so it's hard not to focus all of my work around them.
Ugh!
I HAD a plan for my work. A list I was going to go by, and I was pleased with that list, but now it's gone. So much for that plan. I swear, my attention span is horrible, and my brain isn't helping on that area.
I think my main point of all this rambling is that I need a battle plan.
A BATTLE PLAN!
So I need to sit down and make one, and them I'mma stick to it. No matter what. Yeah.
Good plan, that.
I think.
So, I've officially turned my days around. I'm staying up late and sleeping half the day away, which is, you know, not a good thing. I'm not entirely sure how this happened, but I'm guessing it's a combo of struggling to pull my life together, my period hitting a week earlier than it was supposed to, and the fucking weather going apeshit on us.
About the life thing, I realized that pulling it together is a lot harder when you let it fall completely apart before you start pulling. Not that it's my actual life that needs some pulling, cause the life around me is doing well. It's, you know, my inside that fell apart. I fell apart, and thus everything else fell apart as well. And I'm strugling really bad in my attempt to pull things together, and failing miserably. But, another thing I realized is one of the reasons for why I'm failing. How can I pull my life together, when I'm not even sure how I want my life to be?
So, yeah, I realized that I suddenly don't know what to do with my life.
That was a strange and horrible realization.
I mean, I thought I had that one all figured out, but turns out I was wrong. And I'm not thinking life on a larger scale, but more on a smaller, daily scale. What do I want to do with my days? I'm not really sure, actually. I know I want to dedicate this year to my work, but I'm not sure how. And how to make a functional schedule for my days. Well, that's a problem.
And I need to tackle that problem before I do anything else.
A while back, my sister told me about this site where she had ordered a custom made dayplanner, and I decided to have a go at that. One of the reasons for why I don't use dayplanners is that I can't ever find one that fits my taste, but this site let me completely design it myself, which was pretty awesome. It arrived in the mail yesterday, and it's looking really good. And now I'm thinking I should make proper use of it by using it to put together a weekly schedule for me.
But before I start going by that schedule, I really should try and pull my head together. I'm in a dump, mentally, and I can't seem to get out of it. I've gone back to not wanting to leave the apartment, and I just can't handle having people around me. Not sure how to fix this issue. Now I kind of miss having someone in my life. Actually, I miss my Bluebird, cause she's my best friend, and I'm pretty sure she'd manage to drag me out of my dump. I mean, showing up at my door and dragging me out to socialize is a nice thought - and what most people would do - but being the introvert that I am with the issues I have, that doesn't really work well with me. Mainly, the leaving the apartment part won't work well. But I'm sure Bluebird would've figured out something good that would work, and then she'd show up and help me work my way out of this dump.
She understands the workings of my brain, she's very respectful of my issues, and, most importantly, she's very familiar with my work, and she's very supportive of it. I'm pretty certain she'd find some way of using my work to drag me out of my dump. Cause, you know, my work usually is what saves me whenever I need to be saved.
But, yeah, mental issues aside, I'm gonna start putting together that weekly schedule of mine that I'm gonna (hopefully) be living by when February is over. This is, roughly, what I've got so far.
Monday
This used to be 2nd Saturday with Candy, but now I'm not sure what I want to do with the day. My immediate idea is Battle Plan Monday, where I sit down and make my battle plan for the rest of the week, and just generally prepare myself for whatever's planned for that week. Need to sit down and work more on this one, cause this is by far the most troublesome day of the week.
Tuseday
The official BroSis Tuesday where my brother comes over to play games and have fun, since he's got a short school day that day. I am not changing that for anything in the world, so it's still gonna stay as BroSis Tuesday. Though I still need to figure out what to do with the time of the day before and after my brother has been here.
Wednesday
Used to be Date Day with Mum, and we do plan on going back to doing that, but we're gonna wait a bit due to winter being a bitch and stuff. But yeah, I want to keep on having those Date Days where I go down to mum's, have dinner with them, and then me and mum sit and watch whatever seriers we're working our way through at the moment. But that's in the afternoon, so I still need to make decent plans for the earlier parts of the day.
Tuesday
My empty day. It's been empty for a while, with no real plans attached to it, so I'm considering using it as a full on work day. You know, just spending the entire day working on whatever it is I'm working on at the moment, and just ignore everything else. Still not sure about that though, so I need to give it some more thought.
Friday
Grocery shopping day, and my personal ME day. On Fridays I go grocery shopping with my parents, which has been tradition for aaages now, and that's not gonna change. And then, in the evenings, I have my ME time where I just sit and game and relax the entire evening. I don't think I'm gonna put anything else in there, to be honest, cause I like this day just the way that it is.
Saturday
Social day! Yeah, the one day of the week where I like being social, lol. Me and mum often go to town on Saturdays, which I really enjoy, and Saturday evenings is usually a good time to go out and party or meet friends. I'mma kick that up again, and try to get back into the social life once more, using Saturdays as the day for that. I also want to have one Saturday every month where I invite people over for Board Game Night! I've had that idea for a while, and this year I want to have a go at that. And then at least ONE Saturday of going out drinking. The other two..? Still haven't decided, so we'll see.
Sunday
Relaxation day. And recharge day. And it's also the day of the week where my family often invites me down for family dinner, which is something I enjoy. I think I'm mainly just going to let Sunday stay a recharge and relaxation day where I mainly stay at home and just take it easy, soak up the week that was, and gather the energy I need to face yet another week.
So, you see, I do have some half-baked plans for what I want to do with my weekly schedules, but I want to have more than just half-baked ones. I want a proper schedule, that goes by the clock as well. Which would include my plan of trying to get up at around 9 AM in the morning, so I actually have time to do the things on my schedule, AND going to bed at a decent hour. I had a good schedule on that a while ago, where I quit whatever I was doing at 22:00 PM - be it gaming or working - and then just spendt an hour catching up on internet stuffs before I got ready to go to bed at around 23:00 PM. My goal was to be in bed before midnight, and hopefully on my way to dreamland, and for a while that worked really well, and I managed to get up early in the mornings.
I need to try and work my way back to that, cause it's a good schedule to go by.
And I also need to set up proper work hours. Right now I'm doing random work on random things at random hours, which isn't really all that great. Sure, I get things done, but it's slow-going and chaotic. And if I am to stick to my plans and reach my goals for this year, I really need to organize my work a bit better. So, yeah, an actual work schedule would do me good, and then I'd have to be really strict and stick to that schedule, no matter what. Maybe that'll give some more purpose to my days, and it'll help me feel like I'm achieving something, which would do me a lot of good, mentally speaking.
Also, I need to learn to try and stick to working on one thing at a time, though that's gonna be really hard. I'm a very spaztic artist, and my inspiration is pretty much ADHDing 99% of the time, so I tend to jump back and forth with things I'm working on. I should try and re-program my brain on that area, cause that's the main reason for why I never manage to complete things. I work on something, then my brain spazzes and I start doing something else, and what I started on gets put aside and forgotten. It's problematic, and I need to try and find a way around that.
I like this new approach to my work on my companions that I'm having these days. Just focusing on one at a time, trying to get a good overview of it and putting things in order, is a good way to work. It helps me see them better for who they really are, which is, you know, something I failed to do in the past. I'm still focusing my energy on Liz - which is good, considering how she's my dearest and most important companion - and I'm gonna keep doing that up until I feel like I've got everything I need on her. And then I'll move on to the next one. So, yeah.
The only thing sidetracking me there is the Clavis Triplets. They surfaced a while ago, and they demand a lot of attention from me, and I do have a plan of making a manga about them, but I'm still working on a plan for that. So I really should be putting them on hold, which is hard. They are very demanding, and also very interesting, so it's hard not to focus all of my work around them.
Ugh!
I HAD a plan for my work. A list I was going to go by, and I was pleased with that list, but now it's gone. So much for that plan. I swear, my attention span is horrible, and my brain isn't helping on that area.
I think my main point of all this rambling is that I need a battle plan.
A BATTLE PLAN!
So I need to sit down and make one, and them I'mma stick to it. No matter what. Yeah.
Good plan, that.
I think.
fredag 6. februar 2015
Flashback Friday 1 ~ my Shadow
Hurrah for the first Flashback Friday! ....Which I forgot about posting so it's technically Saturday. Well, at least it's still friday some places in the world, right?
Ah, well. Moving on.
Now, I've talked about my world before, and my wonderful companions, so most of you are familiar with them. I can honestly say, hand on my heart, that no one has helped shape me the same way my companions have. They've been with me my entire life, and they've literally saved my life several times, and without them my life would be empty, and pretty much non-existent.
They've all been dear to me, and they've all left their mark on me in various ways, which have helped me grow and evolve as a person. My masks, in particular, have done quite a lot for me, both in good ways and in bad ways. Gina, Angel, the alien, Aria, and even Aswa. They've all contributed to my life in some way, and that has directly influenced me as a person - even though I was in a deep sleep during that time.
My wonderful older brother, Thomas, is one of the companions that mean the most to me, and his constant influence have helped me stay on my feet, even during the worsts of storms. He pushes me to go forward - to learn and to grow - always promising that he'll have my back, and it's that support that have kept me fighting to become even better.
But, no one has done as much for me as my own Shadow.
I don't know when she first appeared, but according to my mum I've been talking about her for as long as I've been able to talk. I can't even remember not having her there, and I'm certain that she's been with me since my birth. My first, my oldest, and my dearest companion.
My Elizabeth.
She's been my most treasured support my entire life, and every time I was ready to give up, she gave me the strength to continue. I grew up more or less alone - I had trouble making, and keeping, friends, and there were some family problems - but she always kept me company. I never felt at home in this world, and I always felt like I was some kind of freak that didn't belong. I was picked on and bullied, and more often than I can count I wanted to just die so I could go away from it all. I cried so often, though no one ever saw, cause I mainly cried when I was alone. And I was alone a lot...
She dried my tears, and comforted me, telling me stories of another world where I truly belonged. I was just temporarily misplaced, but I'd be fine, cause when I was done with the work I needed to do in this world, I could come home again. Her stories kept me going, and her company helped soothe the pain inside me. All those times I felt unwanted and unloved, she stood by me, assuring me that she loved me more than anything, and that she'd always be my friend.
I don't know what I would've done without her.
Time passed, and as I grew older, it became harder and harder to see her, and she slowly seemed to fade into being nothing but a shadow in the corner of my eye. But she was still there. Her stories inspired me, making me draw and write in an attempt to put down on paper how amazing this world she had told me about was, and naturally I tried capturing her on paper. As things evolved, I grew older, and I started having my companions - my characters - she naturally slipped into the role of my oldest and dearest characters. She was no longer just Elizabeth, the invisible friend that kept a scared and lonely child company. She became my companion, in every sense of the word, and an amazing character I'm proud to present to people.
Elizabeth Shadow - Liz for short - the Lunarian, the herbalist, the wielder of dark magic, and the strong and wise leader of the main organisation in my stories - the Order of Crevida.
All of my work - which is the very thing that define me - is all inspired by her. She was the one that acted as my muse, and the one that kept cheering me on whenever I sat down to draw or to write. I can't even put into words how much she means to me, and how much she has done for me. She stood by my side through everything, even though I was so deep asleep, and when I finally woke up, she was the first to reach out her hand and drag me up from the depths where I had been chained away.
Whenever I've been lost in darkness, and I've thought that now I'd finally give up, I only needed to think of her and she was there. Sometimes I couldn't reach her, or she couldn't reach me, but she was still there. She never abandoned me - even when everyone else seemed to do so - and she kept reminding me that she had promised to be with me forever. No matter what, she'd always be there.
Facing another period of darkness and rough times have really helped remind me exactly how much she has helped me over the years. These past couple of months have been a lot rougher than I've admitted to anyone, and for a moment I was pretty sure I had lost myself, and that I was close to that edge again where all I wanted was to die. But just when I thought I hit the bottom, I turned around and she was there. She held her arms around me, comforting me like she had done when I was just a little girl, and she promised me that I'd be fine. That this was just another rough patch, and I'd get through it like I had done before. I wasn't done with my work here just yet, so I had to hang on a little longer.
And just like that, I felt at ease again. I don't even know why I worried in the first place. Sure, things are rough, but it'll be fine. I'm feeling confident and sure of myself, and I know it is all thanks to her support. This time, like so many times before, she was there, stopping me from falling over the edge, and I know that she will never let me fall.
I am where I am today, all thanks to her. I am the person I am today, all thanks to her.
I am, and it's all thanks to my shadow - my Elizabeth.
Ah, well. Moving on.
Now, I've talked about my world before, and my wonderful companions, so most of you are familiar with them. I can honestly say, hand on my heart, that no one has helped shape me the same way my companions have. They've been with me my entire life, and they've literally saved my life several times, and without them my life would be empty, and pretty much non-existent.
They've all been dear to me, and they've all left their mark on me in various ways, which have helped me grow and evolve as a person. My masks, in particular, have done quite a lot for me, both in good ways and in bad ways. Gina, Angel, the alien, Aria, and even Aswa. They've all contributed to my life in some way, and that has directly influenced me as a person - even though I was in a deep sleep during that time.
My wonderful older brother, Thomas, is one of the companions that mean the most to me, and his constant influence have helped me stay on my feet, even during the worsts of storms. He pushes me to go forward - to learn and to grow - always promising that he'll have my back, and it's that support that have kept me fighting to become even better.
But, no one has done as much for me as my own Shadow.
I don't know when she first appeared, but according to my mum I've been talking about her for as long as I've been able to talk. I can't even remember not having her there, and I'm certain that she's been with me since my birth. My first, my oldest, and my dearest companion.
My Elizabeth.
She's been my most treasured support my entire life, and every time I was ready to give up, she gave me the strength to continue. I grew up more or less alone - I had trouble making, and keeping, friends, and there were some family problems - but she always kept me company. I never felt at home in this world, and I always felt like I was some kind of freak that didn't belong. I was picked on and bullied, and more often than I can count I wanted to just die so I could go away from it all. I cried so often, though no one ever saw, cause I mainly cried when I was alone. And I was alone a lot...
She dried my tears, and comforted me, telling me stories of another world where I truly belonged. I was just temporarily misplaced, but I'd be fine, cause when I was done with the work I needed to do in this world, I could come home again. Her stories kept me going, and her company helped soothe the pain inside me. All those times I felt unwanted and unloved, she stood by me, assuring me that she loved me more than anything, and that she'd always be my friend.
I don't know what I would've done without her.
Time passed, and as I grew older, it became harder and harder to see her, and she slowly seemed to fade into being nothing but a shadow in the corner of my eye. But she was still there. Her stories inspired me, making me draw and write in an attempt to put down on paper how amazing this world she had told me about was, and naturally I tried capturing her on paper. As things evolved, I grew older, and I started having my companions - my characters - she naturally slipped into the role of my oldest and dearest characters. She was no longer just Elizabeth, the invisible friend that kept a scared and lonely child company. She became my companion, in every sense of the word, and an amazing character I'm proud to present to people.
Elizabeth Shadow - Liz for short - the Lunarian, the herbalist, the wielder of dark magic, and the strong and wise leader of the main organisation in my stories - the Order of Crevida.
Artwork by LeftiesRevenge from deviantART
All of my work - which is the very thing that define me - is all inspired by her. She was the one that acted as my muse, and the one that kept cheering me on whenever I sat down to draw or to write. I can't even put into words how much she means to me, and how much she has done for me. She stood by my side through everything, even though I was so deep asleep, and when I finally woke up, she was the first to reach out her hand and drag me up from the depths where I had been chained away.
Whenever I've been lost in darkness, and I've thought that now I'd finally give up, I only needed to think of her and she was there. Sometimes I couldn't reach her, or she couldn't reach me, but she was still there. She never abandoned me - even when everyone else seemed to do so - and she kept reminding me that she had promised to be with me forever. No matter what, she'd always be there.
Facing another period of darkness and rough times have really helped remind me exactly how much she has helped me over the years. These past couple of months have been a lot rougher than I've admitted to anyone, and for a moment I was pretty sure I had lost myself, and that I was close to that edge again where all I wanted was to die. But just when I thought I hit the bottom, I turned around and she was there. She held her arms around me, comforting me like she had done when I was just a little girl, and she promised me that I'd be fine. That this was just another rough patch, and I'd get through it like I had done before. I wasn't done with my work here just yet, so I had to hang on a little longer.
And just like that, I felt at ease again. I don't even know why I worried in the first place. Sure, things are rough, but it'll be fine. I'm feeling confident and sure of myself, and I know it is all thanks to her support. This time, like so many times before, she was there, stopping me from falling over the edge, and I know that she will never let me fall.
I am where I am today, all thanks to her. I am the person I am today, all thanks to her.
I am, and it's all thanks to my shadow - my Elizabeth.
onsdag 4. februar 2015
OCD and programmed routines
I want to start this off by talking a little bit about OCD.
Pretty much everyone has heard about it.
And pretty much everyone claims that they have it.
Really? Do you even know what OCD is? Just because you like things to match, or that you just "have" to move objects so that they align, that doesn't mean you've got OCD. That's just being a neat freak, and there is a lot of neat freaks out there. No, OCD is having to wash your hands a certain number of times in a day - not because you want to, but because you have to. OCD is having to turn the lights on and off again whenever you enter a room - not because you want to, but because you have to. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is like being programmed a certain way, and not being able to go against that program, because going against it will cause severe anxiety and even psychotic episodes. Here; read a little about it.
Having OCD is not a laughing matter, and it's definitely not the same as being a neat freak. If you think you may have OCD, then you should really see a proper doctor and get that checked out. Unless you've got an official diagnose, do NOT go around saying you've got OCD. It's just completely idiotic, and actually really insensitive and rude towards those whom actually DO have that diagnose. Just saying.
That aside - Yes, I actually AM officially diagnosed with OCD. But! I will go as far as to claim that I have a very, very mild case of it. Yes, in certain ways, it does control my life, and it does cause me a lot of problems on a daily basis, but it's on the level where I can handle it, and my former therapist agreed with that and didn't really see a reason to try and treat it. Besides, the way my OCD manifests isn't one of the really bad ways. It manifests through a compulsive need to organize and sort things, and in the long run I feel like the good things about that outweighs the bad things.
I am not a neat freak. Anyone whom has entered my home can confirm that, lol. My home is not tidy or neat in any way, as I am a horribly messy and chaotic person. But, I'm a very organized messy and chaotic person. I organize a lot of things, and I can spend hours, days, and even weeks organizing certain things. Not because I want to, but because I have to. Not organizing something when my brain tells me to will cause some pretty severe anxiety and other problems, to the point where it borders on the psychotic and I can start hearing and seeing things.
One of the things I tend to spend a ridiculous amount time organizing is my inventory in games. They have to be a certain way, and sometimes I can spend hours organizing them so that they'll fit that way that my brain has determined is the right way. I've had it happen to me when playing online games, that the people I've been playing with notice that I haven't moved in a while and wonder what's up, and I tell them some lie that I'm glitching or lagging or whatever, because it's a better reason than "No, sorry, I can't move from this spot until my inventory has been perfectly organized, or I will have an anxiety attack." See my problem? This compulsive need to organize certain things can just swallow my time completely, and I've had moments where I've suddenly realized that it's 5 AM in the morning and that I've spent the entire night organizing ONE folder on my computer. And not because it needed to be organized, or that I wanted to organize it, but because there's a part of my brain that has a faulty programming that I can't seem to fix. I can spend days trying to find the perfect way to organize my kitchen cabinets, and then I spend some more days re-organizing everything. The rest of the world gets put on hold whenever I have moments of "OCD-ing" as I call it, and nothing else gets done, because it takes up 100% of my attention, and there's nothing I can do about it.
But, the good thing about it is that a lot of things in my life are organized really well. Yes, I spend way too much time organizing ridiculuous things that doesn't really need to be organized, and I tend to fail at regular life because of that, but the things that actually NEEDS to be organized, are. And that, I feel is a good thing. And I've learned how to somewhat control that compulsive need, by staying away from things that I know will make that program in my head click and get turned on. Which is one of the main reasons for why I'm a messy person, and my home tends to be a chaotic mess. I have to take things slowly, especially when I'm tidying, or I might come across something that should be organized, and then I'll be swallowed up for a day or two - possibly more - and my plans for tidying just falls apart. Like, I haven't folded and tucked away my newly washed clothes in quite a while, because I know that when I open that closet to put away the clothes, the program will click on and I'll be completely swallowed by the need to completely re-organize my entire closet. As long as I don't look inside it, I'll be fine. I can pretend it's not there. But when I do open it, I better be ready for a lot of organizing and re-organizing of clothes.
OCD is a tiresome thing that can drain you, depending on how it manifests. It's not a fun thing to have, and it's not really something to be joked about. Though, of course, I joke about it. I joke about everything that's bad, because that's how I deal with bad things. I joke. And I laugh. And then I feel a bit better.
I had a point with all this rambling, and it was not a point about OCD. I was supposed to write about something entirely different, but I got sidetracked, as usual. Now I don't even remember what I originally wanted to talk about.
Oh, well.
So, how are things? Well, slow-going, I suppose. I still haven't recovered all that well, so I'm still taking it easy and staying at home. I think I'm just going to use the rest of February to recover and recharge, and just sort things out.
Oh! Sort things out! Yes, that was the point. I wanted to talk about how I want to use this month to organize my life a little bit. That's why I started to talk about organizing, and OCD. Lol, senile much?
But yeah, my life is a bit messy, I've come to see, and I need to re-organize it a bit. But if I'm gonna do that, I have to set aside a lot of time, and thus I've decided to use this entire month to do so. I need to put up a decent weekly schedule to go by, to keep me on track and to feel like I'm in control. I'm a creature of habit - a side effect of one or more of my many disorders - and I'm very dependant on things going the way I've planned. My mind is very set on certain things, and it takes a lot of time to mentally prepare, so last-minute changes can be very problematic for me. Fridays are grocery shopping days with my parents, and I spend the entire week preparing for that, so if it gets changed then my mind just falls apart. I need AT LEAST an entire day of preparing for things, mentally, so if people want me along for something then they better tell me a day or two before so I can have time to program my mind.
But yes, I had a sort of weekly schedule that I lived by, but it fell apart a couple of months ago, and then everything else just started falling apart in and around me as a direct cause of that. I need my routines, or I just can't function. That's just the way I'm built. And it's one of the reasons - along with being an introvert - for why I have a lot of trouble dealing with other people. Being alone is better, cause then I can stick to the already programmed routines and everything will be okay.
My current programming isn't doing me a lot of good, I see, and so I want to try and do some re-programming to get a better schedule and better routines, and thus better days and a better life. But as I've already said, it takes time to re-program my head, especially considering the OCD and other various disorders making life hard - not to mention the fibro on top of it all - so I just gotta keep to myself for a while. Since re-programming and organizing is draining, I need to recharge more often, and I can only recharge when I'm on my own, which means that February will really become a hermit month for me. Sure, I'll make exceptions for my family and my dearest loved ones, but the rest of the world just have to settle with being put on hold for a little while longer.
That, and I also need more time to sort out this apartment, cause there's just so. much. to be done. Ugh! And in winter I generally have less energy, cause my body use all the energy trying to stay functional. This really isn't the best time of year for me, lol.
Buuut! All of that aside, when February is done and I'm feeling more in control of things, and my life is better organized and I'm recharged, I'll be going by a good schedule (hopefully) and I'll be able to announce some pretty awesome things I've got planned for this year. I'm excited about the plans I've got, so I'm looking forward to finally being able to tell you all about them. All I can say right now is that if things go as planned, life's gonna get pretty awesome, not just for me, but for others as well. So, stay tuned for that, my lovelies~
Anyhouse, time to wrap up this thing of an entry, and I'll see you all in a couple of days for the Flashback Friday entry numbero uno!
Take care!
Pretty much everyone has heard about it.
And pretty much everyone claims that they have it.
Really? Do you even know what OCD is? Just because you like things to match, or that you just "have" to move objects so that they align, that doesn't mean you've got OCD. That's just being a neat freak, and there is a lot of neat freaks out there. No, OCD is having to wash your hands a certain number of times in a day - not because you want to, but because you have to. OCD is having to turn the lights on and off again whenever you enter a room - not because you want to, but because you have to. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is like being programmed a certain way, and not being able to go against that program, because going against it will cause severe anxiety and even psychotic episodes. Here; read a little about it.
Having OCD is not a laughing matter, and it's definitely not the same as being a neat freak. If you think you may have OCD, then you should really see a proper doctor and get that checked out. Unless you've got an official diagnose, do NOT go around saying you've got OCD. It's just completely idiotic, and actually really insensitive and rude towards those whom actually DO have that diagnose. Just saying.
That aside - Yes, I actually AM officially diagnosed with OCD. But! I will go as far as to claim that I have a very, very mild case of it. Yes, in certain ways, it does control my life, and it does cause me a lot of problems on a daily basis, but it's on the level where I can handle it, and my former therapist agreed with that and didn't really see a reason to try and treat it. Besides, the way my OCD manifests isn't one of the really bad ways. It manifests through a compulsive need to organize and sort things, and in the long run I feel like the good things about that outweighs the bad things.
I am not a neat freak. Anyone whom has entered my home can confirm that, lol. My home is not tidy or neat in any way, as I am a horribly messy and chaotic person. But, I'm a very organized messy and chaotic person. I organize a lot of things, and I can spend hours, days, and even weeks organizing certain things. Not because I want to, but because I have to. Not organizing something when my brain tells me to will cause some pretty severe anxiety and other problems, to the point where it borders on the psychotic and I can start hearing and seeing things.
One of the things I tend to spend a ridiculous amount time organizing is my inventory in games. They have to be a certain way, and sometimes I can spend hours organizing them so that they'll fit that way that my brain has determined is the right way. I've had it happen to me when playing online games, that the people I've been playing with notice that I haven't moved in a while and wonder what's up, and I tell them some lie that I'm glitching or lagging or whatever, because it's a better reason than "No, sorry, I can't move from this spot until my inventory has been perfectly organized, or I will have an anxiety attack." See my problem? This compulsive need to organize certain things can just swallow my time completely, and I've had moments where I've suddenly realized that it's 5 AM in the morning and that I've spent the entire night organizing ONE folder on my computer. And not because it needed to be organized, or that I wanted to organize it, but because there's a part of my brain that has a faulty programming that I can't seem to fix. I can spend days trying to find the perfect way to organize my kitchen cabinets, and then I spend some more days re-organizing everything. The rest of the world gets put on hold whenever I have moments of "OCD-ing" as I call it, and nothing else gets done, because it takes up 100% of my attention, and there's nothing I can do about it.
But, the good thing about it is that a lot of things in my life are organized really well. Yes, I spend way too much time organizing ridiculuous things that doesn't really need to be organized, and I tend to fail at regular life because of that, but the things that actually NEEDS to be organized, are. And that, I feel is a good thing. And I've learned how to somewhat control that compulsive need, by staying away from things that I know will make that program in my head click and get turned on. Which is one of the main reasons for why I'm a messy person, and my home tends to be a chaotic mess. I have to take things slowly, especially when I'm tidying, or I might come across something that should be organized, and then I'll be swallowed up for a day or two - possibly more - and my plans for tidying just falls apart. Like, I haven't folded and tucked away my newly washed clothes in quite a while, because I know that when I open that closet to put away the clothes, the program will click on and I'll be completely swallowed by the need to completely re-organize my entire closet. As long as I don't look inside it, I'll be fine. I can pretend it's not there. But when I do open it, I better be ready for a lot of organizing and re-organizing of clothes.
OCD is a tiresome thing that can drain you, depending on how it manifests. It's not a fun thing to have, and it's not really something to be joked about. Though, of course, I joke about it. I joke about everything that's bad, because that's how I deal with bad things. I joke. And I laugh. And then I feel a bit better.
I had a point with all this rambling, and it was not a point about OCD. I was supposed to write about something entirely different, but I got sidetracked, as usual. Now I don't even remember what I originally wanted to talk about.
Oh, well.
So, how are things? Well, slow-going, I suppose. I still haven't recovered all that well, so I'm still taking it easy and staying at home. I think I'm just going to use the rest of February to recover and recharge, and just sort things out.
Oh! Sort things out! Yes, that was the point. I wanted to talk about how I want to use this month to organize my life a little bit. That's why I started to talk about organizing, and OCD. Lol, senile much?
But yeah, my life is a bit messy, I've come to see, and I need to re-organize it a bit. But if I'm gonna do that, I have to set aside a lot of time, and thus I've decided to use this entire month to do so. I need to put up a decent weekly schedule to go by, to keep me on track and to feel like I'm in control. I'm a creature of habit - a side effect of one or more of my many disorders - and I'm very dependant on things going the way I've planned. My mind is very set on certain things, and it takes a lot of time to mentally prepare, so last-minute changes can be very problematic for me. Fridays are grocery shopping days with my parents, and I spend the entire week preparing for that, so if it gets changed then my mind just falls apart. I need AT LEAST an entire day of preparing for things, mentally, so if people want me along for something then they better tell me a day or two before so I can have time to program my mind.
But yes, I had a sort of weekly schedule that I lived by, but it fell apart a couple of months ago, and then everything else just started falling apart in and around me as a direct cause of that. I need my routines, or I just can't function. That's just the way I'm built. And it's one of the reasons - along with being an introvert - for why I have a lot of trouble dealing with other people. Being alone is better, cause then I can stick to the already programmed routines and everything will be okay.
My current programming isn't doing me a lot of good, I see, and so I want to try and do some re-programming to get a better schedule and better routines, and thus better days and a better life. But as I've already said, it takes time to re-program my head, especially considering the OCD and other various disorders making life hard - not to mention the fibro on top of it all - so I just gotta keep to myself for a while. Since re-programming and organizing is draining, I need to recharge more often, and I can only recharge when I'm on my own, which means that February will really become a hermit month for me. Sure, I'll make exceptions for my family and my dearest loved ones, but the rest of the world just have to settle with being put on hold for a little while longer.
That, and I also need more time to sort out this apartment, cause there's just so. much. to be done. Ugh! And in winter I generally have less energy, cause my body use all the energy trying to stay functional. This really isn't the best time of year for me, lol.
Buuut! All of that aside, when February is done and I'm feeling more in control of things, and my life is better organized and I'm recharged, I'll be going by a good schedule (hopefully) and I'll be able to announce some pretty awesome things I've got planned for this year. I'm excited about the plans I've got, so I'm looking forward to finally being able to tell you all about them. All I can say right now is that if things go as planned, life's gonna get pretty awesome, not just for me, but for others as well. So, stay tuned for that, my lovelies~
Anyhouse, time to wrap up this thing of an entry, and I'll see you all in a couple of days for the Flashback Friday entry numbero uno!
Take care!
søndag 1. februar 2015
Rediscovering
Saturday was a really good day. Even though getting out of bed was hard, I still felt a bit better about everything in general, and I was actually up for going in to town - like me and mum had decided on. And it ended up being a generally good trip to town, with the entire family. I think I needed that little trip outside the apartment, just to get some air and socializing. Of course, when I got back home again, I more or less collapsed, cause I was totally exhausted, but mentally that trip did me good.
Also, I had some gift vouchers that I planned on using, mainly at Gamestop, because I wanted to get a Pro Controller to the Wii U, but when I got there I learned that it's possible to pre-order the new Zelda U game already, and... Well... Yeah. After a moment of not breathing at all, I nearly jumped the guy there, and I ended up using the gift vouchers to pre-order and pay for the entire game, so that when it comes, I can just pick up my copy without any worries. And, you know, since I used the gift vouchers, it didn't drain my already overdrained financial situation, and that just totally made my day.
But, actually, I've got the money situation under control, mostly thanks to my amazing family (and grandparents in particular). I've transferred almost all the money I need for the bills to the billing acount (I'll transfer the rest the coming week), so all that is now officially covered. I sold some books last week, which landed me some cash, and then I sold some wine, getting more cash, AND then my grandparents gave me the last bit of my birthday present, which was MORE MONEY, so that's gonna keep me going this next month with the bills, and as I've already mentioned, I've got enough food around the house to last me, so the only thing I need to stock up on is bread and milk when I run out - which I now have more than enough money for. Sacrificing the beer wasn't as bad as I thought, though, so maybe going without it for a month will just do me good. Either way, I have no more money worries, and I do feel like I've learned some valuable lessons.
The darkest shadows, you know...
But, anyway, as I said, Saturday was a good day. I spent the evening just gaming and relaxing, shutting out everything while snapping with my sister (since we're both playing the same game), which helped me recharge quite a bit. It felt good to just disconnect that entire evening, and it felt even better to do so with one of my favourite games. Final Fantasy VII is one of the things that defined my teenage years, and thus, in many ways, helped define me.
And I got to thinking.
The theme for my birthday party was your own evolution, and I basically asked people to dress up as whatever made them who they are today. I personally dressed up in a mix of things that paid tribute to my oldest and most important companions, and I was quite pleased with the result, though I feel like I didn't really do myself justice.
What made me who I am?
That's actually a bigger question than I originally thought. And it occurs to me, now, that I really didn't give it enough thought. Yes, three years ago I finally woke up, and I found myself, and these past years I've been working on figuring out who that person is - with varied luck, mind you - but I haven't stopped to think about the things and the people that helped shaped that person I am now looking at in the mirror. Maybe one of the reasons for why I'm having so much trouble now is that I still haven't stopped to consider all those dungeons and enemies and bosses and items and whatever that I tripped over along the way as I moved towards where I am today, and what they truly did to me.
I had a twitter update and a facebook post in January that sort of poked me. First it was this twitter update, and then, some time later, I posted this on facebook:
I found/rediscovered myself doing something I love...
Because that's what it all boils down to. Being me, and the me that I am is the me that I am because of those things that I grew up loving.
I need to take a little dive, deeper into all that, and give it more thought. Really get myself lost in those things that helped shape me, and see what it was about them that influenced me so much. Maybe that's what I need now, to help me get further through this dungeon of mine. Some proper flashbacks. And so I plan on doing Flashback Friday all through out February, just to take a deeper look at all those things that made me who I am.
Flashback February. I kinda like that.
And to start things off, I made a 9gag post, just to honour my Flashback February! Because yes, I love 9gag, and I can't get by without my daily dose of it to keep me going~
Also, I had some gift vouchers that I planned on using, mainly at Gamestop, because I wanted to get a Pro Controller to the Wii U, but when I got there I learned that it's possible to pre-order the new Zelda U game already, and... Well... Yeah. After a moment of not breathing at all, I nearly jumped the guy there, and I ended up using the gift vouchers to pre-order and pay for the entire game, so that when it comes, I can just pick up my copy without any worries. And, you know, since I used the gift vouchers, it didn't drain my already overdrained financial situation, and that just totally made my day.
But, actually, I've got the money situation under control, mostly thanks to my amazing family (and grandparents in particular). I've transferred almost all the money I need for the bills to the billing acount (I'll transfer the rest the coming week), so all that is now officially covered. I sold some books last week, which landed me some cash, and then I sold some wine, getting more cash, AND then my grandparents gave me the last bit of my birthday present, which was MORE MONEY, so that's gonna keep me going this next month with the bills, and as I've already mentioned, I've got enough food around the house to last me, so the only thing I need to stock up on is bread and milk when I run out - which I now have more than enough money for. Sacrificing the beer wasn't as bad as I thought, though, so maybe going without it for a month will just do me good. Either way, I have no more money worries, and I do feel like I've learned some valuable lessons.
The darkest shadows, you know...
But, anyway, as I said, Saturday was a good day. I spent the evening just gaming and relaxing, shutting out everything while snapping with my sister (since we're both playing the same game), which helped me recharge quite a bit. It felt good to just disconnect that entire evening, and it felt even better to do so with one of my favourite games. Final Fantasy VII is one of the things that defined my teenage years, and thus, in many ways, helped define me.
And I got to thinking.
The theme for my birthday party was your own evolution, and I basically asked people to dress up as whatever made them who they are today. I personally dressed up in a mix of things that paid tribute to my oldest and most important companions, and I was quite pleased with the result, though I feel like I didn't really do myself justice.
What made me who I am?
That's actually a bigger question than I originally thought. And it occurs to me, now, that I really didn't give it enough thought. Yes, three years ago I finally woke up, and I found myself, and these past years I've been working on figuring out who that person is - with varied luck, mind you - but I haven't stopped to think about the things and the people that helped shaped that person I am now looking at in the mirror. Maybe one of the reasons for why I'm having so much trouble now is that I still haven't stopped to consider all those dungeons and enemies and bosses and items and whatever that I tripped over along the way as I moved towards where I am today, and what they truly did to me.
I had a twitter update and a facebook post in January that sort of poked me. First it was this twitter update, and then, some time later, I posted this on facebook:
I found/rediscovered myself doing something I love...
Because that's what it all boils down to. Being me, and the me that I am is the me that I am because of those things that I grew up loving.
I need to take a little dive, deeper into all that, and give it more thought. Really get myself lost in those things that helped shape me, and see what it was about them that influenced me so much. Maybe that's what I need now, to help me get further through this dungeon of mine. Some proper flashbacks. And so I plan on doing Flashback Friday all through out February, just to take a deeper look at all those things that made me who I am.
Flashback February. I kinda like that.
And to start things off, I made a 9gag post, just to honour my Flashback February! Because yes, I love 9gag, and I can't get by without my daily dose of it to keep me going~
Abonner på:
Innlegg (Atom)