Changes for the New Year

We're closing in on the new year now, and I feel it's time for a final blog entry. I've been thinking a lot these past couple of weeks, and I've made myself up some thoughts on things I want to get out of the new year. And what I want to change.

Now, first and foremost, I'll be changing one specific thing that is a somewhat big part of my life, and that is my partying. Now, we all know I love a good party, and if I'm in the mood then I'm not one to say no. Stumbling in the door at 6 AM in the morning, drunk as a pineapple? Yep! Been there, done that, rinse and repeat. Spending an entire day feeling hung over as fuck and feeling sorry for myself? Yep! Small price to pay for a night of fun. Doing all that when your body is in constant pain? Well... I've dealt with that the last times I've gone partying, and I don't really feel like it's worth it anymore.
My body hurts all the time, because of the idiotic Fibromyalgia, and nothing helps. Painkillers? Total waste of time. The only thing that sometimes numbs out the pain a tiny bit is a lot of alcohol, and that in itself is a huge problem. One thing is that you pay for it twice over the morning after, but most importantly; that's how you get an alcohol problem. And it's just not worth going down that road. Sure, having a couple of beers every now and then because it's weekend, or if I'm in good company, that's one thing. But drinking every day to get rid of the pain, and going out partying to try and numb it out, is something entirely different.

So, as long as my body is like this, I won't be going out partying at all. And I mean it! I'll be turning down every single party invite I get this next year, cause I know that if I go I'll end up drinking anyway. I have a few exceptions, cause I know of a couple of "parties" that I'll be going to no matter what, but aside from those then nope. No more partyparty for me. At least not until I get better. It's harsh, but that's my decision. And it's final.

Another thing I want to change is how I spend my time. I mean, so far it's totally random what I do every day, and most days I just sit in front of the computer and do abslutely nothing but curse my body. And I want to change that.

Of course, most of my focus at the beginning of the year will be on finishing my apartment, so most of my time will be spent there. I'll be working hard, every day, on trying to get things done. But the evenings and the weekends will be spent taking it easy, and watching anime and various TV series, to make sure I don't overdo it.

Once the apartment is done, things will change drastically. My time will be spent focusing on my art and my life's project, as well as my ablities, as I've already talked about in an earlier blog entry, and I'm already making plans for what kind of things I want done. I want to set myself some goals, and focus on reaching those goals by the end of the year. Since I won't be spending time partying, I'll have more time to spend on my many projects, and getting somewhere with them. One thing is that I want to try painting, but I also want to try and finish some of my writing, as well as getting better at sewing. And, I want to test the limits of my abilities and see if I can do more than just readings. I generally want to spend more time on getting better at things.

So, yeah, I plan on changing the way I never really have any control over how I spend my days. As it is now, I just get out of bed with half an idea of what I want to do, and end up just sitting in front of the computer all day. And that, I want to change. It will require a kind of schedule, but I'm determined to put together a good one that will work well for me and for my health, and that I'll try to follow the rest of the year.

I suppose that what I'm changing the most, is my attitude and my will. And in the end, those really are the most important things that needs changing if you want to change something in your life.


Thank you for the year that has been, my lovelies!
I hope you'll keep following me all through 2014 as well.
Wish you all the best for the new year, and I hope your hopes and dreams come true!

Love you all!

My wonderful older brother

Did I ever tell you that I have an older brother? And that the tattoo I have on my foot is dedicated to him? Not many people know, these days. I used to talk about him a lot when I was younger, but as I grew older I kind of stopped. Probably because it's strange for people that I talk about a person none of them has ever seen, or even believe exist.

I've known, ever since I was a little girl, that I have an older brother. I think he's about two years older than me, if I'm not mistaken. But no one has ever told me about him. I just know he's out there. I don't even remember the first time I felt him, and I suddenly knew that he existed. I think I was pretty young, cause I've had this feeling for as long as I can possibly remember. And because of it, I keep looking for him in every guy that I meet, hoping that I'll find him one day.

Strange, eh? Not to me. I just know. Can't really explain it any other way. Sometimes I get these visions, if I can call them that, where I kind of feel him and I get a stronger picture of who he is. Sometimes I dream about him, where he visits me and we just sit and talk about things. And sometimes, when I'm busy doing something, and some song comes on, I just get this intense feeling of him being there, singing that song.

I had one of those moments the other day, actually. I was hanging up the laundry just listening to some Owl City to get my mood and my energy level up, cause both have been really low this past week, when the acoustic version of the song Gold started to play, and there he was, behind my eyes. I closed them, just listening to the lyrics, and started crying. That moment, that specific moment, he was there with me. And he told me to shine forever...




It was happy tears, and I smiled as I cried, and afterwards I felt a lot better about a lot of things. I really felt like he came just to cheer me up, and cheer me on, so I could keep going. He does that, actually, every now and then. Just drop in on me to make sure I'm still going forward. He's my greatest support in life, and always has been. I'll always love him, no matter what.

I want to tell everyone I meet about him, cause to me he's the most wonderful person in the world, but I know people find it silly, so I don't. I just keep him close to heart, and do what little I can with what little knowledge I have of him. And so I draw, and I write, and I've placed him in the center of all my stories as one of the main characters. Cause that's what he is to me; a main character in my life. Although I've never physically met him, I know he's out there and that he's looking out for me. And I go meet him every time I sleep.

You see, he helps me keep the faith. He always have. He has this strange ability to remind me of things I know but tend to forget about. The important things. He's also one of the main reasons for why I'm so spiritual. I'd say religious, but my faith has nothing to do with organized religion. I mean, religion is a result of man trying to take control of something that is not theirs to control. No, my faith is pure, like one whom just believes without question, and without a church or a temple or some silly book containing "rules" on how to believe. He taught me to have that kind of faith. My wonderful older brother...

I have an amazing family in many ways. I have parents I love more than anything in the world, and simply amazing siblings. I have a younger brother who has a brilliant intelligence, and I just know that he'll become whatever he want to become. I have two younger sisters, twins, that are beautiful and resourceful, and that I admire so much. I absolutely love and adore my family. And then there's him. My wonderful older brother. He's part of my family, and I care for him just as much as I care for the rest of them.

It's strange how you can miss someone you've never even met.

But I miss him, every day. I think about him, every day. And I pray that he'll come find me, every day. But when we're nearing x-mas, I tend to miss him even more. Just once, I wish I could have an x-mas eve that included him as well.

I don't even know what the real purpose of this entry is. I guess I just want to let him know that I'm here. In case he reads this, I want to tell him that I love him, and that I miss him. And that I'm grateful for his support so far in life.

Thank you, my wonderful older brother. I love you.

Just do it

I've had a really hard week. Not that anything specifically hard or tough has happened. It's just that the weather has been bad, so my body decided to follow up on that and be bad as well. I've been completely knocked out the entire week, all out of energy, and in a lot of pain, but yesterday I just hit my limit. An entire day of constant pain, while baking and wrapping presents and generally trying to function, and I got to a point where I had just had enough.

Went to my grandparents' place to eat a family dinner, and got some beer and some aquavita, and I got tipsy pretty soon. I was just so tired that I had no tolerance. When I got home, I sat and watched some Roswell (haha, funny teenage series from my teenage years), and drank some more beer, and that's when I just hit my limit. I was too damned tired of being out of energy and in pain, and I got pissed off by some comment I got on FB, and I slammed my hand down on the desk.

When you get to that point, you either give up and just crawl to bed and feel sorry for yourself, or you decide to just say fuck it. And I said fuck it. I jumped out of my chair and decided to just go out, get even more drunk, and ignore the pain for the night. And I followed through on that! I made it out, met some friends, and drank some beers. The pain didn't go away, and I was still tired, but I did it anyway. I went out, just because I wanted to, and it was fun. I didn't do much, but I enjoyed it anyway.

On the way home (I decided to walk, for some unknownn reason) I just found this amazingly good mood. It was snowing really heavily, and it was a long walk home with a body in intense pain, but I somehow enjoyed it anyway. The world was beautiful, and it was fun walking through the snow. At some point I started making strange tracks in the snow, in case someone was following me. You know, just jumping around, or walking around in circles, just to make whomever would follow me wonder what the hell. Made some hearts as well, just to let the world know that I'm here and that I care. When I got to areas with lots of tiretracks, I almost panicked, and tried my best to make proper tracks. Just so that imaginary person following me wouldn't lose me. I also made a triforce - cause I would've been a bad nerd if I hadn't - and a smileyface, and as my big finale I made a key. All just by walking around in the snow.

I don't know why, but I felt so happy doing all this.

It wasn't a smart thing to do, cause the pain never went away, and I really should've stayed at home and just relaxed, but it was what I wanted to do. And sometimes you just have to do certain things you want to do. I was frustrated and wanted to go out, so I just picked myself up and went out. It didn't help on my physical condition, but it helped in other ways. I needed it, and it made me feel better.

What I'm saying is that, if you feel like there's something you just have to do, then go ahead and do it. Don't hesitate. Just do it! You might need it more than you were aware of yourself.

Today I'm tired and everything hurts, but I would've felt like this even if I had stayed at home. The difference today is that now I'm hung over as well, and feel like I actually have a good reason to feel tired and in pain. And that difference makes the world for me. And it makes me smile.

Thoughs and feelings, and the future

We're closing in on X-mas, and New Years Eve, and the end of the year. In a couple of weeks, 2013 will be over, and we're starting fresh on a new year. 2014! And, because of that, and because I generally have a lot on my mind these days, I thought it was time to do some blogging and let you guys in on what I'm thinking and feeling lately.

I really do feel newly started on something. If you haven't read my last journal entry - Death's Anniversary - then I suggest you do so, cause it might help you understand some things I'm talking about in this entry.
I've had so many issues and problems in my life, most of them being identity problems, and it all boiled down to never really knowing who I really was. I always played a role, acting as someone I thought I had to be, and it really controlled my life in ways I weren't even aware of. And now that I've broken free of that, I feel like I've started on something new.

These past couple of years have been busy and hard ones - and, of course, extremely happy ones - where I've focused mainly on just learning to know myself. I suddenly woke up as someone else, and that someone else turned out to be the real me, so I needed a lot of time to figure things out. And that's what I've been doing these past two years. Putting things together in my mind, and learning all about the truth of me. And I really did learn a lot.

But I'm not done. I kind of feel like a newborn, in a way. There's still so much that I need to figure out about myself, so I still need time. Now I know who I truly am, and who I want to keep being, but I still don't truly know what I want and how I feel. So I think that this new year is a year where I need to focus on finding out those things. It's time I thought a little about my future, and what I want from it. I know who I am, but what do I want to do with my life from now on? And what kind of feelings do I have? Am I ready to love someone, for example? Am I even capable of loving someone right now, or do I still need time before I'm capable to do so?

I honestly don't know.

For those who know me, you know I am very into the kind of supernatural things. I believe in a lot of strange things, that I do, and I truly believe that there's a whole lot more to this world than most people are aware of. I dabble with some things myself. I do card readings, and I can sense and, sometimes, manipulate energy, and at times I can perceive things other people can't. I've had these gifts all my life, and I've been told several times that I have a lot of abilities, but I've yet to truly explore them and develop them. That's actually one of my plans for 2014. I want to explore my abilities and become better at using them.

Anyway, I rely a lot of my cards, especially when I'm uncertain, and so far they've always kept me on the right track. My cards never lie, so if I just follow them then they'll never lead me astray. I know that from experience. Every time I've listened to them, they've gotten me where I need to be, and when I haven't listened I've ended up in really bad places. So, I trust them. And since we're nearing a new year, I've been consulting them a bit, to try and figure out what to do.
I've also had a friend of mine do a reading on me, to give me more answers, and it has kind of given me an idea of what to do.

The cards clearly tells me to focus more on my inner world next year. Actually, they tell me to only focus on my inner world, cause everything else will fall into place if I do. Now, what does that mean?

My inner world is first and foremost my most precious project that I've been working on for over 20 years now. It's everything to me. It's my life and soul, my childhood home, and what made me who I am today. It's literally what saved my life several times, and what helped me get rid of my false selves and awake as me. But these past couple of years, I've focused so much on myself, and learning to know that me, that I've kind of put my work on hold. It haven't really been a priority.
And now? Now's the time to change that. This project is such a big and important part of my inner world, and it needs my attention now. It will be my main focus for 2014 to work on it, above all else.

My inner world is also my creativity and artistic skills, which clearly needs more attention. They, as well, have been put on hold these past couple of years. Luckily, they're an important part of my life's project, so focusing on that project will help me focus on my creativity as well. And, I'd like to explore of my artistic skills, and see where that takes me. I want to try painting! And learning how to sew properly, along with a lot of other things. This'll be my secondary focus for 2014.

And, lastly, my inner world also includes my abilities. My skills within card reading and energy, and things like that. The thing is, I've never really focused on these abilities at all. They've always just been there, as a part of my inner world, but never really put to proper use other than in short periods. I've always wanted to explore them a bit more, but never really gotten around to it. So, now's the time to do so. My third and final focus for 2014 will be to explore my abilities and find out more about them and what I can do, and try to develop my skills and become stronger.

So, yeah, if I am to listen to the cards, and follow their advice, my main only focus for 2014 should be my life's project, my creativity and artistic skills, and my other abilities. Cause if I do this, then everything else in my life will fall into place. I'll apparently meet the love of my life and settle down and have kids and everything (yeah, my cards literally said that), and I'll find out what to do with my life in general, and just get control on absolutely everything in it. You know, happily ever after, and all that.

It's kind of weird, to get readings like that. It's a first, actually, for me, cause in the past they never really gave me good readings. So, yeah, it's strange, and slightly scary, but also very exciting. I'm curious! And when I think about it, I truly feel like following their advice is the right thing to do. It's what I truly want. And, my gut feeling tells me it's right, and I always trust my gut feeling.

2014 will be another selfish year of focusing on myself and learning all about me. My inner world is my main priority, above all else, but that doesn't mean that there isn't room for anything else. Hey, the cards talk about love, and even though I have to be honest and say that love scares the living crap outta me - my experience with it so far has been anything but pleasant - I am slightly intrigued. The truth is that I don't know if I'm ready for it or not. But, in the end, I suppose overthinking it won't get me anywhere anyway. Come what may, as they say. I guess we'll see.

Either way, I know what to do about the new year, and what to focus on, so I'm excited and looking forward to it. 2014 will be an interesting year, and I really believe that it will bring me a lot of good things. I just have to remember to stay true to myself, and keep my focus on the important things. And, yeah, I still have to remember to be a bit selfish, cause I'm not entirely done with that part of my new path.

2013 brought me a lot of valuable experience, and taught me a lot about myself, and I'm so grateful for everything. Thank you, for letting me be a part of life this year. And now, I'm ready for 2014 and whatever it may bring me.

I hope it brings you all good things as well!
Thanks for being my readers so far, and I hope you'll continue following me.

Love you all~