Panic and torture

Cause I am soo good with making nifty titles for my entries.

Woo.



Anyway, right now I'm just trying not to panic. I'm fighting the panic with everything I've got, and so far I'm doing good. And I'm damned proud of that! There's only 3 days left until my birthday. My birthday, god damn it! I know it's silly, but I've had birthday anxieties all my life. Just the thought of it sends a shiver down my spine. Why? Not sure. I've just never dealt well with growing older, I suppose. So everytime my birthday is coming up, I panic. Sometimes to the point where I have cute little mental breakdowns, and just want to die. It may sound silly, but when you're in my head I can promise you that it's not pleasant. I've had days where I'd literally do anything to avoid my own birthday, even kill myself. That's how extreme my fear of this one day of the year is.

But, this year I'm trying hard to finally get over that fear. I'm going to try and put it behind me, and finally be able to just celebrate myself. I've wanted that for years, but never been able to do it. And, ugh, last years birthday was the worst I've ever had. Sitting alone, in someone else's apartment, crying the entire day, is NOT something I want to experience again. It still haunts me. I try to put it out of my mind, but like so many other things I'd rather forget, it just keeps coming back. Like a virus you just can't get rid of. And it annoys me. So, I want to counter it, by having a good birthday this year. And if I can keep it up, my goal is to finally be able to look forward to my birthday by the time I reach 30. This is, at least, the start.

And I'm going to start tomorrow. It's Friday the 13th, and I'm going to use it as my ME day. I'll make something nice to eat, have candy and beer, and just enjoy the entire day and pamper myself. Saturday I'll, hopefully, go out and eat with my family, and in the evening I've invited people over for a party. I'm hoping we'll go out and dance and have fun later that night. And on Sunday, hung over and all that, I'll have coffee and cake with my closest family at my mum's place, and I'll stay there with them all day. I'm going to enjoy this weekend. And my birthday.

I'm not going to panic. Not even once.



Oh, but I have tortured myself. I hope I'll be able to move by saturday, or my party might get a bit dull. Right now, my body hurts so much that even breathing is painful every now and then. It's completely my own fault for overdoing things and being an idiot, but I still feel sorry for myself nontheless. Me? In a bad shape? Understatement of the year, that is...

My sister got me to go with her to do some half hour workout on Tuesday, to try out the gym she's a member of. Half an hour doesn't sound like much, but when you're a gaming geek like me where the most workout you get is when you wave your wii controller around, it's pretty rough. And we used weights. In half an hour, we trained all the major muscle groups, using the weights, and by the time I was done I was in pain. So, the day after, I felt like I had been beaten. Every time I moved, it hurt. Yet I went to town with mum, and as we sat down for a coffee, my sister walked by. And, she wanted me to come with her to the gym again, for an hour of something called a "Full Package". Stupid as I was, I said yes.

Now, I had my first workout session EVER the day before, and were already feeling beat up. Then I attend an HOUR of jumping up and down, running around, and lifting weights, training all the already sore muscles and not really standing still for even a minute. I nearly died. I don't know how many times I just wanted to cry, for real, cause it was so exhausting and painful. And yet I kept pushing myself, way beyond my own limits. Needless to say, today I am uncapable of moving. It took me half an hour just to get dress this morning. And, of course, lucky me had an appointment on the other side of town today, and it takes an hour to walk there.

I've seriously tortured myself. And I kind of hate myself for it.

Of course, I do feel good as well, knowing that I've managed to drag myself off my lazy behind. I really want to get in better shape, cause right now I don't even have muscles let alone good ones. And if you want something, sitting on your ass won't help you get it. So yeah, I'm pleased with myself. And it was fun. But, I've learned my lesson; ease into the whole training thing. Killing myself won't help me get in better shape, lol.




I have a lot of things I need to do, especially if I'm to get the place to look a bit more tidy for when my guests arrive on Saturday, but it's not gonna happen today. I'm slowly learning not to push myself, so I'mma let myself take it easy the rest of the day today. Gonna attempt some dinner making, and then I'll just pass out on my couch and maybe watch some TV. I don't think I even want to game. I just want to do absolutely nothing, and let my poor body rest.

I owe it that much, after the torture I've put it through, haha!