So long 2014, and thanks for all the fish!

Why do we take pride in our flaws, and flaunt them like they are a good thing?

I used to be a horrible cook. I could tell people all sorts of things that I had done - like that time when I was boiling carrots and ended up setting them on fire, and how I've managed to ruin instant noodles - and I'd laugh about it and flaunt it like it was some kind of awesome skill I had, and people used to ban me from the kitchen because of it. Why was that something I took pride in? Why did I tell people that I always managed to prick myself on needles when I'm sewing, making them take everything prickly from me like I was some kind of child?

We do that a lot. We talk about our flaws - because that's what they are - and tell people of all the things we can't do, and then we laugh as if they are something to be proud of. I've done it so often - I still do it, actually - and a lot of the people around me do it as well. But is it really such a good thing to do? No, not really. At least not from the point of view I've gotten lately.

I'm not saying that we should be ashamed, cause that's equally bad - if not worse. I'm just saying that if we recognize a flaw in ourselves, instead of flaunting it and taking pride in it, why can't we make an effort to change it instead?

I've gotten better at cooking. I saw that my lack of cooking skills was not a thing to be proud of, so instead I want to do something about it and try to develop some skills. And the skills I've developed so far are certainly something to be proud of! I can make some pretty decent dinners, and home-made sauces, and I can do some nifty baking. I'm actually quite good! And it's pretty awesome.
I'm semi-decent when it comes to basic sewing, but I want to become even better. I want to learn how to use a sewing machine without threatening to throw the damned thing out of the window every five seconds or so. Yes, sometimes we prick ourselves on needles when we're sewing - they are sharp, after all - but that doesn't mean that we should stay away from them. We just need to learn to handle them better. And that's what I want to do.

Yeah, there's been quite a lot of strange thoughts in my head lately.


So, how are things around here?

Stressful and chaotic, would be the first thing that pops to mind. To be honest, I'm pretty damned exhausted these days, and getting out of bed is painful - both mentally and physically. I'd rather just sleep a year or two, and put the whole world on ignore for a while.

There's just been so much going on around me, with Xmas and everything, and so I haven't really had any time to sit down with nothing but me, myself and I to worry about. I'm still not entirely done with the shit that's been going on in my head, and the dungeon I've been crawling through is starting to get the better of me. I was supposed to move forward, towards the fight against her, but this past month or so I haven't moved a single step. That's what it feels like, at least. I'm not entirely sure why, but it seems like I put those plans away on a shelf somewhere, and just ignored it all. Bad move, woman. Bad move.

After my previous journal entry - Day of Death - I was supposed to dedicate a certain amount of time to each of the Gatekeepers, to work my way through them and gain what strength I needed from them before taking on the boss herself. I got off to a semi-decent start, but then it all sort of faded away. It got drowned in everything else going on around me, because I made the stupid choice of focusing on everything but my own head. It's my own fault, and I know it. And so I'm the only one whom can actually do anything about that.

So, yeah, less focus on the outside, and more focus on the inside.

That aside?

Xmas has been crazy, but it's been good. I have an old friend of mine visiting from New Zealand - she came here earlier in December, and she's staying until after my birthday - and it's been amazing to have her around again. It's been years since I last saw her, and I had forgotten about how comfortable it is to have her around. She truly is the closest friend I have, in every way, and one of the people that means the most to me. It's mainly her support that has kept me going all through the Xmas stress that's been going on, as I'm pretty sure I would've fallen apart by now if it hadn't been for her presence. She's just amazing, and I'm so grateful that she's here, especially since she's one of the very few people that doesn't drain my energy when she's around. If she ever moved here, I'd be the happiest person on the planet.

The Xmas loot this year was absolutely amazing. I'm not entirely pleased with the gifts I gave this year, due to lack of funds and decent ideas, but I'll be sure to make up for it next year instead. But the gifts I got? Mindnumbingly awesome! Can't even remember the last time I was this happy about the Xmas loot, cause everyone just completely outdid themselves this year. I am so amazingly grateful for all the things I've gotten, and I can't thank my loved ones enough.

How's my relationship doing?

It's doing well, actually. We're still taking things pretty slow, and I'm so grateful for that, cause I'm still pretty terrified, but I think we're doing good. We both have our issues, but at least we're aware of it. She has a lot she needs to figure out, cause she isn't exactly in a good place right now, but hopefully things'll get better for her. I want to help her as much as I can, though there isn't much I can do. I'm drained - exhausted and tired - so I can't really provide much support for her. I feel horrible about it, because she's my girlfriend and I love her, and I want to be there for her, but I have little to no strength to draw from. I suppose that's one of the reasons for why I'm so tired these days, cause I keep going around in circles in my head, feeling bad because I can't provide the strength and the support that she needs.

But at least I'm trying to stay honest, and I hope that I've managed to make her understand that I am here for her - I'm always here - and although I can't really provide much support, that she at least knows that she can talk to me.

Two broken people in a relationship is generally not a good thing. I know that from experience. If we're not careful, we'll just end up dragging eachother down, and making eachother way worse than what we were before we met. But I want to try and make this work. We both have a long way to go, on so many areas, and there is no guarantee that things'll work out and that we'll last, but at least we're trying. I'm having a go at something, even though it scares me and everything in me tells me this'll lead me straight down to hell, and I'm hanging in there. Three years ago, I never would've even considered trying. I'd call this progress.

If we just hang in there long enough, and work together, then this might just turn into something that'll last forever. There's a future there, I'm sure of it. And it might just contain a marriage and a bunch of kids. That is, at least, what I'm hoping for.


Right now I'm in a dark spot. Everything looks bad, and I've got at least seven different voices in my head - that I've identified so far - all screaming at me with seven different opinions, and it's driving me nuts. We can't seem to agree on anything, and my insides are a mess. I'm dreading every single thing that is up ahead, and I'm dreading every single new minute as it passes, and I want to scream and shout and throw things and run away.

I want so badly to run away.
To leave this world, and start anew in another one.

But it's just a dark spot.

I'm huddled in a dark room in the dungeon, and I've lost a lot of HP and MP, and I've got little to no restoration items left, and there are tons of enemies on the other side of that door, all waiting for me to come out so they can defeat me. We all have those moments. We've all been in that room, and we've all considered just giving up on the game alltogether. If it's this difficult, why bother playing? I'd be better off if I was dead.

Retreat and regroup.

That's when you do, when you're gaming and you reach a room like that. You retreat there for a while, looking through your options, and then you try to come up with some kind of strategy. Did you miss something? Did you go past a chest that contained a heart without you seeing it? Maybe there is a weapon in this dungeon that'll make you stronger, and that you just haven't found it yet? Maybe you can summon assistance, or find an ally that is imprisoned somewhere?

All valid questions to consider.

I suppose the hardest part about being in a dark spot is trying to keep a clear head, and to be able to look ahead to lighter times. I tend to be bad at that, though I think I've gotten slightly better at it. I know that I'm in a dark spot right now, but I also know that it won't last. I'll get through it, cause I've gotten through way worse things, and I came out even stronger and better after those dungeons.

Retreat and regroup.
That's my plan.

There's a whole new year ahead of me. I'm not gonna be spending that entire year in a god damned dungeon, so I am going to get through this. I'm going to be able to have a great year, filled with awesome things and new experiences, and leveling up. I'm gonna do a shitload of leveling up! Considering the amount of EXP I've gotten so far in this god damned dungeon, I'm gonna reach a whole new level of leveling up. So there.

Anyhouse. Before I sign off, I just want to wish you all HAPPY HOLIDAYS and a HAPPY NEW YEAR, and I hope that 2015 treats you all as well as you deserve to be treated! Thank you for reading, and for following me through all my crazy mind-paths this year, and I hope you'll keep following me next year as well.

Love you all!
~A

Day of Death

My 3rd anniversary.

3 years ago today, a part of me died. The mask that I was hiding behind, the person that had locked the real me up in a cage and forced me to be something I'm not - that person died. She was the main cause for my constant troubles, and how I always seemed to go from one identity to another, never truly finding peace within myself. But, she's now gone. What happened that day, 3 years ago, is something no one will ever truly know, cause it is just too intimate, too personal, for me to share it with anyone, but the results changed everything. I've already mentioned this, in last year's entry on the matter, though I feel like diving a bit deeper into it all.

So many masks, so many identities, all, in the end, conjured up by her as a way of controlling me. But now she's gone, and today I celebrate her death.

Who is she? I've talked about her a lot of times, and I keep giving different explanations of who she is, and where she came from. I suppose it's because I don't really know for certain how she came to be. She's in my stories, under the name Aswari Ah'neth - Aswa for short - and she only showed up about a year or so before she died. But I've come to understand that, in a way, she was always there. Hiding in the shadows, playing tricks and creating masks, and pulling my strings without my knowing.

I've mentioned how those different masks had different identities, and they are all a part of my stories - and in a way I suppose I can thank her for that. They came and went - hundreds of them - though there were a small handful of them that had their biggest impact on me, and that stuck around, thinking that they were the real me. In my stories, they are known as the Gatekeepers.

No one knew the first one, cause she left without ever telling anyone that she was there in the first place. It's only recently that I decided to hunt her down and recruit her, putting her into my stories. Her name is Gina, and although she can appear a bit boy-ish and rough at times, she's actually really nice. She's a hardcore gamer - Zelda being the number one favourite, of course - and she loves dogs more than anything. She's got a Border Collie named Pinto, and he follows her wherever she goes.

The second was the one everyone knew, and she went by many, many names - one name actually being Gina, as an honour to the one before her. Puz was one of her most used nicknames, though FireChild and NightCat were also well known names. But to me, she's Angel. Always has been, always will be. The stubborn, bossy, and impossible little feline thief with a horrible temper. She's better now, though. I think she grew up a bit, after she left me.

The third was the alien that few ever got to meet. The quirky, crazy, and extremely random iihp, whom kept getting into trouble. She loved to draw, and comics in particular was something she was fond of making. Still have a bunch of the ones she drew, during her overly creative periods. She was a lively one, though she had a lot of issues - one of them being her past. She struggled a lot, and eventually; she left.

There was a short period where there was nothing but emptiness, and then the fourth came along.

A mage of fire and ice, uncertain of herself, stumbling headfirst into the world - that was how I came to know Aria. She was a bit of a wreck, to be honest, as she had no confidence in herself and her self-esteem was so horribly low that it couldn't even be seen. She was fidgety and jumpy, and the world was a scary place that kept breaking her, and she just fell more and more apart as time went by. And yet I loved her very dearly, and I held on to her and tried to show her that she mattered. That she was worth something.

Maybe it was because I cared so much for her, that Aswa decided to appear. She came out of the blue one day, putting shackles on me and forcing Aria far back into our minds where she couldn't be seen, and stepping into the role as the 5th "me."

Aswa was a horrible mess. She was psychotic - seeing and hearing things that weren't there - and she kept hurting everyone around her, and pushing them away. She lied - oh, how many lies she told! - and used, and destroyed. On the outside she played the perfect role, like she planned, but on the inside she was a horried creature that only wanted to create misery. If people had seen the things going on in her head...

But she's gone.

She wanted me dead, erased from this world forever, but she failed. I suppose I was just too strong, because instead of erasing me, she erased herself. She died, and during those months after her death, I was finally free to wake up. My chains were gone, the masks were broken, and the cage had been opened. I was free.

And then I was awake


I've been going through a dungeon lately. Fighting my way through it, losing my way every now and then, and there have been times when I felt ready to give up, because it was just so hard. Then I realized what this dungeon was, and what kind of boss awaited me at the end. This is my fight against her. Against her masks and her strings, and everything she did in my name. It's time I faced it all, and put it all to rest.

Today marks the anniversary of her death, but my fight with her is not over. These next couple of months I'll be facing everything, and dealing with it as best I can. And when the new year comes, and I finish this fight - emerging victorious - I'll be able to celebrate my 30th birthday, and my 3rd awakening day.

Though I am dreading this fight, and have been dreading it for quite some time, I now realize that I have more weapons to use in this fight than I originally thought. I have friends and family, all backing me up whenever I need them, and now I also have an amazing girlfriend that I know will always do her best to help me in my fights, just like I will always do my best to help her as well. And within the world of Arcaiia, I have so many people ready to stand by my side and help me fight.

I'm not standing alone anymore.

The Gatekeepers stand by my side, turning the strings created by the mask into allies instead of enemies. I'm stronger, now, than ever before. Yes, I might fall, and yes, I might break, but that won't be enough to defeat me. I know it'll be tough, but I'll make it. Nothing can ever make me give up.

Today I celebrate the Day of Death, and the beginning of the end of my nightmares.

So, uhm, wow.

I'm in a weird state of happy/shock/panic.
Life took an unexpected turn.

We all know how introverted I can be. I grew up more or less on my own, and I got used to being alone. I'm very comfortable being alone - always have been, always will be - which is probably the main reason for why I developed social anxiety when I was younger. Though the anxiety is gone, I still tend to shy away from social stuff on a daily basis, unless I'm partying. This has been one of the reasons for why I've been very insisting about NOT getting into a relationship, along with the fact that I still have a lot to figure out about myself since it's only been a couple of years since I woke up and found me. I don't want a significant other in my life. I enjoy being on my own, and, of course, I have to be honest and say that love kind of terrifies me. So, ah......

I got a girlfriend.

Yes, you heard me. And no, that wasn't a joke. I've checked out of the single life, and ventured into the world of taken. I'm in a relationship.

What the hell?

Happy/shock/panic mode: Engage.

My head's in a state of numbing shock, and everything feels surreal, cause this was the last thing on my mind, and I never dreamt it would happen, but it did. I'm happy and weird, and somewhat terrified. It's been so facking long since I last was in an actual real relationship that I've sort of forgotten how that works. I need to download a "How to Have a Girlfriend for Dummies" walthrough and figure out how to do this.

I tried figuring out how long it's been since I last had an SO, and my conclusion is... A long time ago. I wouldn't count the relationship I had with my ex-girlfriend as an actual real relationship, to be honest. It was a weird one-sided obsession that was occasionally returned, where I threw ALL of me and all my love towards a person that loved me back only when it suited her. We had a short period of official dating back in 2009, and that same year she ended up walking out on me, again, and we went back to being friends/lovers. And then we had the final break-up as both friends and lovers back in 2011, and I've been more or less on my own in every way since then, which I find satisfying and comfortable. But, yeah, my point is that the last time I had a real relationship was the one I had before that, with the guy I lived with for 4 years, and if I remember correctly, we broke up in 2008. On Valentine's Day, no less, cause I'm an idiot with great timing.

I've been on my own for a long time now, and that's what I'm used to.

And then, along came Candy.

Yes, that's my new official nickname on her, cause I'm an adorable and awkward weirdo.

We first met earlier this summer, at a Gay Pride Party some friends we had in common hosted. It was one hell of a party - shit happens, and then you party naked. My life's motto, which really came true during that party, of course, and Candy was one of those people I ended up naked with.  It was all fun and games, and we really didn't have any real contact after the party. I had her on facebook, and that's about it. I kept my focus on my life and figuring things out with myself. Then, a little while ago, a friend of mine was having a party, and invited me - like he always does - and for once I had the time, and my body was doing well, so I could actually say yes to that. It was a fun and really great party, with just a few, and amazing, people, and I had a good time. Then Candy popped by sometime late that night, cause she was out driving. She had no plans on partying, but we talked her into it, and got her a drink that somehow turned to several, and suddenly I dragged her home with me. That was the sunday where I woke up with a gorgeous nekkid lady in my bed (as mentioned in a previous entry of mine), and we spent the entire day just talking about anything and everything. We really connected, and I realized that this is a friend I'm gonna keep, cause she's awesome and we have a lot on common. We're both fucked up and weird, so ha.

For the next couple of weeks, we've been talking regularily, and she's been by a couple of times, and we've been gaming and talking and generally having a great time. And then, this weekend came, and stuff changed. One of my oldest and closest friends hosts a yearly Halloween party that has become a tradition, and it's the only party I always go to no matter what. Of course, this year she hosted it again, and I helped her rent a place, cause it was time for her to expand and make the event even bigger. The party was this saturday, and I told Candy she could drop by my place and get ready since I live, like, 1 minute away from the place where the party was held. And I had already planned that she was gonna spend the night, cause that would've been the easiest for her so she didn't have to worry about getting home in the middle of the night and then come back the day after to pick up her car. She arrived, threw some Skittles at me cause she knew I wasn't doing well - she's adorbs - and we slowly geared up for the party, before we headed off for an amazing night with lots of awesome people.

From the moment we arrived, we kind of kept together, cause it seemed easier since we arrived together, and before you get into the drinking you tend to take it easy and not mingle all that much. I don't know when and how it happened, but at some point during the drinking and the partying, she was suddenly dragging me off outside cause we had managed to steer into the topic of dating, and it was time for a serious talk. The talk.
There was something there, and it's been there from the start. This weird spark. I'm attracted, and this past month I've felt a sort of pull towards her that I couldn't quite explain, and she had the same thing. Of course, we were drunk during that talk, so we sort of decided to deal with this the day after, but after that talk we was sort of glued together, and things were strangely comfortable. She spent the night, of course, as planned, and the day after, when we woke up tired and hung over, it became obvious that yesterday's drunken talk wasn't just the alcohol talking. And we concluded that we're gonna have a go at this relationship thing and see where that takes us.

And here we are. Having a go at that.

It's odd and nice, and scary, and weird, and I'm not sure what's going on, but that's how it is. We're taking it slow, cause this wasn't exactly planned - and my introverted self is somewhat terrified, and I'm dependant on having a lot of alone time - and I have no idea where this'll end up. Either this doesn't work out, and we either fuck things up really bad or just sort of slips back into just being friends, or this could actually work and turn into something really serious. I honestly have no idea, but I'm trying to stay open, and just take things as they come.

She's really gorgeous and quirky, and geeky, and she's comfortable to be around. I don't feel any pressure or like I'm expected to be something I'm not, so I can just take it easy when she's around and do what I usually do when I'm on my own. She makes me warm and fuzzy inside, which is new and strange to me, but I find myself randomly smiling quite often, and I know that it's because of her.

I'm still scared.
But it's sort of okay.

I had forgotten what love felt like, but I'm liking this reminder.

Updates, rants, and fears before the fight

First off, an update to the previous entry and my application to change my name.

Got the answer now, and my application has been denied, and the reasoning behind it is understandable and acceptable. Here in Norway you're not allowed to change your name more than once every 10 years, and it's only been 6 years since I last had my namechange, which is why my application was denied. It's fair enough, and I don't see a reason to complain about that, and if I still feel that I want to change my name in 4 years, then I'll do so. If not, then this was just a good thing. For now, I'll just stick to the name I have, and just use my KeyJester name as a nickname.
Though I'm disappointed, of course, it's not the end of the world, so I'm fine, really. And who knows, maybe during these 4 years, I'll somehow discover something that'll make me feel more connected to the name I have now, and thus change my mind about changing the name. We'll just have to wait and see.

And with that outta the way, time for some more updates on things.

The apartment is slowly killing me, and in the process I'm going slightly insane. It's just SO. MUCH. that needs to be done, and most of it is just minor details that just takes a bit of time, and - UGH - it's so tiresome. I just want to be done with the whole thing so I can sit down and not worry about everything I have to do. I can't even relax anymore, cause I'm constantly stressing, mentally, and it's making me tense, which, in turn, drags a lot of pain with it. It's as if I'm slowly getting all of my lifeforce drained out of me. I swear, a part of me just wants to put the damned thing on fire and run away from it.

I've decided, though, that most of those minor things, like floorboards and stuff like that, will not be done now, and instead I'll save up money and get everything done next summer instead. This gives me slightly less to do now, so I might actually finish the apartment in time for Xmas this year. Got my fingers crossed for that, and right now I'm working on emptying that conservatory of mine and tidying up the place, which is taking forever. I'm so tiiiiiired. *pouts*

What I REALLY want to do is sit down and focus on my work, cause I've got a lot of ideas of things I can do to help my work move forward a bit, but I know that I need to finish the apartment before I can do that, or I'll just end up getting absolutely nothing done at all. It's frustrating, really, cause it gets me sort of down, not being able to work. It IS my big love in life, and the one thing I always enjoy doing - which is why I've been working on it for over 20 years - so I just want to forget about the world for a while and disappear into my work. Le sigh~
I'll be so happy when I'm done with things and can finally focus on my work again.


Today is one of those really tiresome days where I just want to crawl into a corner and die, cause I'm tired and drained, and my mood is iffy, and things in general is hard to deal with. I know it'll pass, but it's annoying when it's happening. It's probably the apartment causing it, cause so far it's been the cause of at least 75% of all of my bad days this past year. I'm just so damned sick of working on it and draining myself due to the stress and the worry.

I'm tempted to put on Hyrule Warriors and just play the rest of the day, but I promised myself that I was going to finish emptying the conservatory this week - especially since I've got some major plans this weekend - so I just don't have the time to sit down and play.

A magic wand would be nice right about now.

Le sigh.

I guess I'm also somewhat dreading the fight I have ahead of me. Most of the time, I have the thought of it pushed back into the back of my mind, and I don't really pay it much attention, but every now and then I feel the claw of feer grabbing hold of me. I know it's coming, and I know it's going to be rough as fuck, so naturally I'm scared. It's one of the reasons for why I just want to finish the damned apartment so I actually have more time to focus on preparing myself for this, and gathering strength from my companions. I have absolutely no idea how this fight's gonna go, and I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't worried about it. To be perfectly honest, I'm absolutely terrified.

Mindnumbingly, heartstopping terrified.

What if I lose? What'll happen then? Will she come back? Will I be put back into that cage and be locked away someplace where the world - nor my world - can reach me? Will I disappear again, while she takes over and takes control of my life, turning it into something twisted and sick before ending it alltogether?

Just thinking about it makes me cry.

I don't want to lose. I don't want to end up back there again. Fuck it, I'm willing to do just about ANYTHING to make sure that doesn't happen. And in the middle of all that fear, and the tears, I feel an anger burning in me. Anger towards her, towards everything that put her in control, and anger towards the very thought of losing this fight. I am not going to lose. Either way, I'm not going down without a fight, and I'll keep on fighting until my very last breath.

Don't live kneeling. If you're to die, you're gonna do so standing up.

What's in a name?

Is a name really all that personal? Is your name something personal? It's basically your label, when you tink about it, and what does your label say about you?

I am me.

I'm having a hard time figuring out how to properly put words to the thoughts I'm having, so I'm just going to jump headfirst into it and see where it leads me. I'm considering changing my name.

Yep, you read that correctly.

I made a facebook status about it earlier, stating that I already had changed it, mainly as a test to see what reactions I got to it, but I'm very seriously considering doing it for real. Especially since I got some really nice feedback from that status. I'm going to try to explain this to you in a way that'll make sense, but I can't guarantee that I'll succeed, cause describing your personal feelings is rarely an easy thing to do.

To me, being an individual that sticks out has become something very important, and in a way I can see why. Because of the things I've been through in my life, and because of how I've never been considered "good enough" as me, and how I have been forced to live behind a mask that wasn't me, just to fit in and be accepted, I suppose I have a stronger desire to make a point of who I am than most people. Now that I know who I am, and my masks have been disposed of, I put a lot of energy into showing the real me, to the point where I make some extreme choices.

Part of my hair is dyed turquoise. Now, these days, that's a pretty common colour (along with blue) around these parts, as it has become a popular colour among kids and teenagers where I live. And that's just fine; I love the colour, and I encourage people to dye their hair exactly however they want to. But to me, it's more than just dying your hair. To me, that specific colour means something extremely personal. And it's not just that it's my favourite colour, which is a good enough reason in itself, but also because it represents the actual personal image I have of myself in my head. It's a part of my identity - who I really am - so when I dye my hair I feel like I'm closer to being me. And thus, it becomes highly personal.

I have tattoos, which most of you know, and that's not really all that special. A lot of people have tattoos, and lots of them, and in a lot of places it's considered more common than not having tattoos. But my tattoos are extremely personal to me, and they're a part of who I am. I personally designed and drew the tattoos myself, and I did so based on things that are extremely dear and personal to me, because the tattoos are a part of my identity. They represent who I truly am, just like my hair colour.

I go for such things because they are personal, and because they help me show the world who I am, and as I've already stated; that's important to me. When you've been chained down and caged behind masks, never really being allowed to be you, you develop a really strong urge to fly up above everyone and really show them what you look like when the chains are finally gone. Which is what I'm currently dealing with.

We've already established that I'm going through a rather rough patch these days, dealing with a lot of difficult things in myself - a lot of it forcing me to face, and deal with, things for my past, and my head - and that I'm now heading towards a rather big anniversary. This is a big deal to me. I'm not sure I can even put into words exactly how big of a deal this is, but it's big. Really big.

And this brings me to my name.

Now, some of you may know that some years ago I had my surname legally changed. This was a highly personal choice, based on a lot of personal things, and to this day I don't regret it even a second. It was one of the best choices I have ever made, because it made my name personal. Up until before I had the change, my name was just a name. It wasn't me. It was just a name on a paper, and it held little to no meaning to me, and that felt wrong. I'm a person with a big personality (even though that personality was chained down at the time), and to me my name was something that should live up to that. It should be a name that represents me. And after the namechange, things inside me started changing as well, and I felt more at ease with myself. My name finally represented who I was.

Why am I then considering a namechange again?

Because my name still isn't done. My surname is changed, yes, and I am overly pleased with it and wouldn't trade it for the world, but the rest of the name still stands the same, and it feels really wrong. I look at my name, and it just doesn't feel like it's mine. It's incomplete, and impersonal. It's not me.

A lot of people know my first/given name, but what they don't know is that it's not my full first/given name. I actually have a double name, but the second part of it is something I've always listed as my middle name, because that feels more right to me, so few people know that it's my actual name. Actually, I talked to my mum about it, and she was surprised when I told her that my so-called middle name is listed in the official papers as a part of my first/given name. Well then. Even my mum - the one who named me - doesn't use that full name of mine, nor considers it as my full name. That in itself says a lot, and adding in my personal feelings in the matter, it should say more than just a lot.

A while back I changed my facebook name, erasing that second part of my first/given name and only using the first part as my name, and I added in my longtime nickname - KeyJester - as my middlename. It was a spur of the moment kind of thing, because I use that nickname on every site I'm registered to, and adding new friends on facebook from those sites will be less confusing for them when they see my nickname. But the more I look at it, the more I ask myself why that isn't an actual official part of my name.

Of all the nicknames I've gathered over the years - and trust me; I've got a lot of them - none has ever been as personal and dear to me as my KeyJester name. Everyone knows I'm obsessed with keys, and that I collect them, and it's also a known fact that I have a fetish for jesters of various kinds, and so I've always considered myself to be the Jester of Keys - the KeyJester. It's pretty much as personal as you can get, on every level, which is why I use that name online, and why that is still my m@il name even after all these years. I will forever and always be KeyJester, and nothing can ever change that. It's a part of who I really am - a part of my identity.

I want to make it my official middle name. It may sound silly, but to me it's a highly personal choice. My first/given name will remain the name my mother gave me, and calls me by, because that name will forever be something dear to me, and a part of who I am, seen through my mother's eyes. My surname will remain as the name I made all those years ago, that I feel represent the family I am in myself, and want to, one day, establish. And I want to use KeyJester as my middle name, because it'll represent who I truly am, in the deepest core of my being, and that, to me, means more than you could ever understand.

I am me. And I need everyone around me to see that. I need to make a point of it, and keep making that point, because I don't ever want to forget and get lost behind that mask that chains me down ever again. I'd rather die than go back there. I'd rather lose everything I care about than go back there.

So, with that established, I'm gonna wipe away these bloody tears that suddenly decided to pop out - gad, emotional much? - and get right down to my point.

I've thought about changing my name for a long time now, but I haven't reached an official decision yet, because I've been thinking about my family and what they'd think about it. What if they didn't like it? But, you know, why should I hold myself back for the sake of others? Yes, I love my family, and I respect their opinions, but they can never truly understand how personal this is to me, and how important such a simple thing as a name can be to a person. To me, a name is not just a name. It's supposed to be a part of my identity, a part of who I really am, and for me to truly stand there and proudly state that my name is me, then I need to change it.

This is not a spur of the moment thing, as I've put a lot of thought and emotions into this - just like I did when I had my surname changed - and I truly feel like it will help me get through the things I'm going through right now, and help me stand tall when I am out of it.

I am me. I am KeyJester. And that should be explanation enough.

Ride the rollercoaster - finding the puzzle, and the boss fight

Last week was a rollercoaster week through an ocean of various emotions, and today I'm just in a weird state of not really sure who I am. It's all really odd.

It started last weekend, where I, at some point, suddenly ended up reading through older blog entries in various other blogs I've had, which was both highly emotional as well as extremely surealistic. Reading anything that's been written before 2012 is like reading something that has been written by a complete stranger. Who is that person, and what the hell is wrong with her? Needless to say, it left me in a rather strange mood.

Monday was crap. No, actually, it was worse than crap. It was downright horrible, for so many reasons, and I can't even remember the last time I felt that bad. It was probably because I had brought up some old issues when I read through those blogs that weekend - it's the only explanation I can think of - but whatever was causing the bad day was just... Crap. Nuff said.

Tuesday was mindnumbingly shocking and awesome. I had just gotten out of bed, and was litterally standing in the middle of my bedroom with my phone in hand, about to head off to turn my computer on and make coffee when the phone rang. I was confuzzled. And slightly worried, since it was my grandpa calling and it was pretty early in the morning. Had something happened? So I answer the phone, and he asks me if I'm awake, and when I confirm that I more or less am, he says that he sees I've been having problems with my computer screen. Yes, I tell him, my screen broke a while ago, so I had the computer hooked up to my TV at the moment. Well, he and grandma had decided that they wanted to buy me a brand new screen.
Uhm, watt? I went into shock, and could just repeat myself, wondering what the hell. Uhm, watt? After some explaining he hung up, and I sat down with my coffee, just staring at the wall. Uhm, watt? And then he calls again, telling me to be ready in an hour, cause he'll come pick me up and we'll go buy me a screen. Uhm, watt? I swear, my brain broke. But an hour later, he came and picked me up, and I got myself a brand new awesome gaming screen! I was in utter awe, and I can't even begin to describe how amazingly grateful I am for having such fantastic grandparents! They are simply the best.
Later, my brother came to help me put together the last cabinet for my new wardrobe, and then mum and dad decided they were lazy and wanted to buy burgers for dinner, so they called and asked if we wanted some as well. Aw, hellz yes! I love burgers! So they brought us some burgers, and then me and my brother played Hyrule Warriors the rest of the evening. Best! Day! Ever!

Wednesday became another crap day, and to top it off it decided to bring some aches back with it. I could hardly walk at all, so I decided to sit down and do paperwork. And I started sorting through all those papers and notes and whatnot I've gathered over the years, which was mindnumbing and tiresome. 20 years of paperwork is a nightmare to go through, so I was aching all over and just generally exhausted when the evening came. Not much else to say about that day.

Thursday became a somewhat interesting day, cause I continued the paperwork and I got to go through old character notes and stuff, and I decided to start making an alphabetical list of every single companion I've discovered over the years. The total number I ended up on? 460. That number had me sitting in silence for a long while, just wondering what the eff. And then everything decided to blow a bit up in my face and take me on a trip down memory lane. Ho gosh. There were a lot of thoughts that day - thoughts I'm not gonna repeat here - and eventually I just had to put everything away and drown my head with more Hyrule Warriors.

Friday I woke up dead tired cause my cat decided to be a nightmare that night and wake me up, so I was totally zombiefied and in a weird mood. A weird mood that somehow ended up making me feel the urge to be social, and after some whirlwind through various appointments, I ended up in a really amazingly great mood that made the rest of the day pretty awesome. It was a strange day, really.

Saturday was town day with mum, and then I headed off to a party at a friend of mine's that I haven't been to in ages because of my health and things generally not going my way whenever he's having a party. And it became one of the better parties I've been to in a while, so I had a really amazing time, in great company, and my mood was totally awesome the entire evening/night.

Sunday morning I woke up with a great-looking nekkid lady in my bed, and we spent hours just lying in bed, talking about all kinds of weird shit while nursing our hangovers, before I went to have dinner with my family. The day was an amazing day in so many ways, despite being hung over, so my mood just continued being awesome.


Rollercoaster week. Yep.

Today I slept longer than I've done in ages, and it was noon before I finally managed to drag my ass out of bed and get some coffee. I think I was tired after the week I've had - and lacking in sleep due to the awesome partyweekend, lol - so I needed some extra hours to relax, I suppose. Not really sure what to do with my day, but I'm guessing it'll be paperwork, paperwork, some more paperwork, and then some Hyrule Warriors.

That, and thinking.

I had one of those moments I rarely talk about sometime last week, and it left me with a lot of thoughts. At some point, I suddenly fell apart, and the world disappeared on me. I just sat there on the floor, holding on to myself for my dear life, while everything came crashing in on me, and all my fears decided to put their claws around me as I slowly drowned in a dark ocean hopelessness. I felt so lost, so scared - horrified, really - and I couldn't even breathe, let alone cry. I was alone, and I was slowly fading away - dying. I couldn't feel the floor beneath me, couldn't see the walls around me, nor hear the music that was playing on my computer. I was gone.

And then I felt a light touch of someone's hands on each of my arms. It was so light that it was barely noticable, but it was enough to wake me. He had his arms around me and that darkness and the ocean suddenly disappeared, and I was no longer in my own bedroom. I was in another world - my world - and there they all were. My family and friends, my companions, and I was home. I was safe. They were there for me, promising me that they'd never let me fight alone, and telling me to stand up and keep going. I'd be fine. Things would be rough for a while, cause I was in for a bit of a rocky ride, but they'd be with me every step of the way and make sure that I'd make it through it all. And I could still feel his arms holding on top me, promising that he'd be there as well. That silent protector of mine that keeps popping into my dreams. He will never leave me to fight on my own.

And then it was all over.

It felt like I had just lived through an eternity, but apparently it had all just happened in a couple of minutes, and it left me sitting on the floor, just staring in front of me, not really knowing what to think or feel.

Yes, I'm afraid. I'm afraid of falling back into the dark places I've been to before. I'm afraid I'll lose hold of the person that I've found myself to be, and get caught by that old mask. I'm afraid she'll come back - even though I know I killed her - and that she'll chain me down again and take control of me and have me be someone I'm not. But I know now that I can fight that fear, and I can do so with the help of my companions, and my world. It is my medium, like I am the medium of it, and together we'll get through it. It'll help me fight those fears - fight her. Even if she, despite being dead and gone, shows up again, and tries to get hold of me - that horrid creature that used to be me, be my mask - I'll be able to fight her off, cause I won't be fighting alone.

I'm realizing that I started something back when she died. I've mentioned it before, about her, my mask, and how I killed her back in November 2011, and then I finally woke up as myself in January 2012, and I could start exploring myself and learn about who I really am. I started on a quest of sorts, to put together the puzzle I found inside me, and I'm not entirely done. I thought I was done after about a year, but I'm not. That's why I'm having all these problems now. I'm still working, and I just hadn't realized it. I'm moving towards the anniversary of her death - it'll be 3 years now in November - and because of that I need to work through the issues she caused, and put everything in place. It's hard, and it'll be rough, but it's necessary to finish the quest. And in January, I'll be 3 years old, as well as 30 years old. Physically, I've been alive for almost 30 years, but mentally I've been asleep most of that time, and nearly 3 years ago I finally woke up.

January will see the end of the puzzle I've been putting together these past three years, and because of that my work on it has intensified significally lately, causing me and my head quite a lot of trouble.

Realizing that made all the difference.

I'm facing something - something big - and it's something I can't bring other people into, and so I have to push them aside for a while. But I won't be facing it alone after all, cause I've got my world, my companions, and my protector by my side, and together we'll face this and defeat it.

I'm moving towards the Boss fight of this dungeon.
Wish me luck.

Sanity's Requiem

I've started having the nightmares again. The dreams where I lose myself, and my sanity, and all I can do is cry and try to hide cause I'm so broken and I don't want to be. I used to have those dreams a lot in the past, when I was really sick, and even after all these years they still scare the crap outta me. Nothing scares me more than the possibility of going insane. The fibromyalgia doesn't scare me - it just makes me tired and frustrated - the thought of breaking something doesn't scare me - it's just an unpleasant thought - and the thought of getting a serious physical disease like cancer or whatever doesn't scare me either - if it happens, it happens, and I'll deal with it if it ever comes to that. But the thought of going insane scares me so much that I can't even begin to describe it.

I've been to that point where I really should've been locked up in a padded room, cause I saw things that weren't there and heard voices in my head, and I can't even count how many times I've been curled up in a corner, crying hysterically while begging for someone or something to come save me, or just end my life. I've felt lost in famailiar places cause my brain told me I hadn't been there before, I've had blackouts because other personalities took over and made me do things I never thought I'd do, I've heard the ground beneath me cry out in a horrible cry that nearly broke me, and I've looked into a mirror and what looked back wasn't me. I know what it's like to be in that spot. And I never, ever, ever want to end up there again. I'd rather die, cause even death is less scary than losing my sanity.

You don't know what it's like, unless you've been there yourself. It can't be described in a way you'll understand, and you really can't imagine what it's like. You can watch movies with crazy people, and you can laugh at them, or feel sorry for them, or find them fascinating and/or cool, but you can never, in a million years, understand what it's like to be them. Insanity is not something fun that you can watch from afar. It breaks you, it breaks your life, and it breaks those around you that care about you and that have to watch you fall apart without being able to do anything about it. Just thinking about it makes me tear up, and even though I might joke about it today - cause joking is how I deal with bad shit - it's still the scariest fucking thing I've ever experienced.

Looking back, I find it amazing how I managed to survive it all. I feel so horribly bad for the people that got caught up in it, trying to help, and how my insanity broke them alongside me. I know it's not my fault, cause I had no control over it, no say in things, but I still feel bad, and I'm sorry. And I swear, if I ever end up in that place again, I'll just disappear from this world instead of letting anyone come close enough to get caught up in it. It sounds so horribly dramatic, but I'm just being honest. Going insane is so horrible I can't even put it into words, and knowing that you're breaking your loved ones is even worse.

Never again.

I managed to survive it, amazingly enough, and I wish I could say that it was all thanks to the support from my loved ones, and from the help I got from many psychiatrists I saw, but that's not what saved me. That's not what kept me going through that hell, holding me up so I wouldn't drown in my own sanity and be lost for good. That's not what pulled me away from that edge every single time I was ready to end it, and gave me a reason to keep fighting. I owe it all to my world, strange as it may sound. But I've already said that about a gazillion times now, how my world saved my life, so I'm not gonna go in on it right now. I just want to say that I'm grateful, and that I'll never let go of that world of mine, cause it's as much a part of me as I am of it, and without it I'd fall apart, and die.

But, nightmares. That's what I started to talk about. I used to have a lot of nightmares about going insane, and they've come back. I guess it's just a really good sign that I'm scared, despite how I pretend not to be. I've had a couple of episodes that worry me, where I've heard or seen things that weren't there, and suddenly feeling lost when in familiar places, and, the worst one yet, suddenly having someone else take over my mind without my approval. I mean, I've already come to terms with the fact that I have a multiple personality disorder (or dissociative disorder, as it has been renamed now), and I've learned to live with it and even take advantage of it it, and I've come to the point where me and my other halves have an agreement on how we run things. I can borrow the strength I need from them whenever I need it, without them taking over completely, and we all feel satisfied with this arrangement. So when they suddenly start taking control without my say-so, and I start feeling others whom aren't even part of this little group of me, then I get worried.

It's a defence mechanism, that I've come to understand. That's why people develop alternate personalities - to escape something that scares or threatens them, leaving someone else in charge instead of dealing with it. An unpleasant situation arises, and you run away into your own mind, letting another personality take over and handle it, cause you yourself just aren't strong enough, or you're just too scared. The perfect defence, and I get it. And I get how I ended up creating this defence for myself during my early childhood, and how escape seemed like the only way to survive. I get why I needed this in the past, and why I felt like I had to protect myself. But why now?

Yes, I'm struggling these days. I'm fighting my way through a particularily tough dungeon, and it's taking its toll on me. But it's not as bad as anything I've ever had to deal with in the past. I'm struggling, but I'm managing, so I don't need that defence. I don't need that escape, cause I'm strong enough to deal with it myself. So why? And what's causing my head to act up, having me see and hear things that aren't real?

I have no idea.

But I'm more worried than I'd like to admit. Although, no, I don't think I'll fall back to where I was, cause I have things in my life now that I didn't have back then, and I found something, or someone, inside me that gives me a strength I never had before, so I won't be broken that easily. That, and I killed the main reason for why I was in such a bad place. So no, I won't fall back there. But I'm still worried, cause there are quite a lot of places between back there and where I am now that I can fall back into. And if my dreams are any indication, then I'm close to tripping right now, and falling over. An even clearer sign that things aren't as they should are certain other dreams and thoughts that has resurfaced.

I used to have a safety blanket. Or, rather, someone I'd turn to when things got bad, though I don't really know why. He's just... My go-to place. And he's been that most of my life.

I'm not sure I've mentioned it before, and right now I can't be bothered going through old blog entries to check, but I've dreamt about the same guy all my life. I have no idea who he is, and in every dream he looks and acts different, and the events in the dreams are different, but I always know it's him, cause I have the same feeling every time. It's just one of those things you know when you're dreaming. But the weird thing about him is that he has a couple of different versions of him that repeat themselves, as in; I dream about them several times, and it's almost become as if these different versions are different people, yet at the same time they're him. It's hard to explain, and it could come from my other personalities just seeing him in different ways, but either way I've chosen to see theses versions as seperate people, that I've given seperate names.

And one of these versions used to be my safety blanket back when I was really sick. Or, rather, back when I was really insane. I only dreamt of that version during those days, and I became somewhat obsessed with everything that reminded me of him. I'd seek out various things that became symbols of him, and listened to music that reminded me of him - the piano in particular became pretty important, cause he used to play for me in my dreams. I know what he looks like, what he sounds like, and how he acts and how he dresses - I see it as clear as day, due to having dreamt so much of him - and it feels like I know him. And I turned to him when things got really rough, and I cried for him whenever I begged for someone to come save me, or end me. I even wrote a story about him, and about myself and how I was doing back then, and it's still my favourite thing of everything I've ever written. It's a short story, called Magdalena, and you can read it here if you want.

And last night I dreamt about him again. I've gone years without dreaming of him - or, well, that version of him - and I'd more or less put him behind me, not really giving him much thought. That is, until now, where he suddenly showed up in a dream again. Not him though, cause I never saw him or talked to him, but he was mentioned. I was with an ex of mine, and we were talking or something, and suddenly she got a call from him, and she just screamed his name, as if something bad had happened to him, and then she took off, leaving me falling into pieces. Just his name and the thought that he was in danger made me fall apart, and then the dream turned into a nightmare where I lost myself and became someone else.

And then I dreamt about the one I killed almost three years ago - the one inside my mind that controlled me. The main reason for why I was so sick, that I got rid of. In the nightmare, I suddenly remembered her, and I got so horribly scared, and somehow I knew she was the cause of everything bad in that dream. It was odd, and terrifying, and I just know that it's my subconscious trying to tell me something. I just don't get what.

Things are odd inside my head these days.

But I'm coping, I think. As I've mentioned in an earlier entry, I try to keep myself busy with various things, distracting my mind from what is going on so that it won't get worse. I mainly focused on my paperwork, and some work on the computer, but the computer work was limited because my computer still haven't been moved into the bedroom and the desk there. Aaaand, now I have to wait even longer before I can move it, because my screen decided to randomly die the other day. Got the computer hooked up to my TV right now, which is horrible. The screen is too big, giving me too much to try and focus on, and it hurts my eyes, my neck, and my head. And my sitting position hurts my body. So, I barely even use the computer these days because of this. Just this entry has taken me forever to write, cause I keep having to take breaks because of the pain. I can't afford a new screen, so I'm stuck like this for now.

Luckily, I got Hyrule Warriors on the Wii U - on the same day my screen broke, no less - so I keep myself busy playing that, cause it's a pretty great distraction for my head. It's a brilliant game, well worth the wait and the money, and I'm totally in love with it. And the fact that it's keeping me safe from what's going on in my mind makes me love it even more.

Hopefully, I'll be able to save up money in the meantime so I can buy a new screen and move my computer to the desk so I can get back to work again, and, most importantly, so I can get back into RPing again, cause that is my favourite kind of distraction. I just gotta hang in there, and keep fighting, and hopefully it'll make it out of this and back to that good place I know I can be in.

Dungeon fighting

I don't usually brag about my doctors. In fact, quite the opposite; I complain about them. These past years have of trying to deal with the fibromyalgia and getting the diagnose, and getting help for it, have been a downright nightmare. It wasn't until I literally broke down and cried my eyes out in front of the doctor I had a couple of years ago that she finally decided to get off her ass and do something, and I got sent to the hospital where I was diagnosed with the fibromyalgia. But even though I got the diagnose, I still didn't get any of the help I needed. I had to change the doctor's office twice before I finally got some help.

My current doctor's office have been absolutely amazing, and I am so immensely grateful for their help and their amazing service. My actual doctor is away on a leave, so I haven't even met her, and from what I've been told she won't be back until next year, so the doctors I've seen so far have all been temporary substitutes. But despite that, they've all been absolutely amazing. They took my pain serious, showed actual concern for my health - both physical and psychological - and took steps to help me. I got put on a proper medication for the fibromyalgia, and we put together a plan that we're following, and insisted on having me come in every other week just so they could make sure I was doing okay. They've really made me feel like I'm being taken care of.

I had an appointment last week, but that morning I got a call from the doctor I was going to see, saying that the appointment had to be canceled because she was at home with a sick child. Which is totally fair, and I expected her to just give me a new appointment and that was that. But, what she did was that she took the entire appointment over the phone instead, and she asked me about how I was doing and how the medication was working for me, and if there was anything - anything at all - that I felt like I needed to talk about. And then she asked if I wanted to keep coming in every other week, or if I felt like I'd be okay with just coming in once a month instead (which I'm totally okay with), and then she set up a new appointment for me and wrote up a new prescription for meds since I was running out.

When I hung up, I couldn't help but smile. My appointment was canceled, and yet it didn't feel like it at all. I honestly felt like I had the appointment, even though it was over the phone, and I really do feel like I'm being taken care of. And compared to all the doctors I've had so far, in various other doctor's offices, it's just beyond amazing. And I definitely need it.


So, how am I doing?

Well, I'm surviving. I'm pretty good at that, I'd say, all things considered. But I'm really tired, and I'm mentally drained, and it's eating away at my mood. I do get the sleep I need, luckily, so physically I'm doing rather well, and the pain I'm dealing with is very little compared to what I used to deal with. But mentally, I'm completely exhausted now, and it's making me very drowsy and down. It's hard to function properly, which is annoying, cause I really need to keep it together so I can finish all the work on the apartment. I want to be done before winter sets in, so I don't have to deal with working on the apartment on top of the cold and the winter depression that I'll be dealing with. I know myself pretty well, and I know that autumn and the beginning of winter is always the worst part of the year for me. It's a full on fight every year just to make it through it alive.

Right now I'm in a really nasty place, cause it's not really a place at all. I'm between things, in some kind of stand-still, where I'm neither here nor there, and it's frustrating. To be honest, I'd rather just fall apart, cause at least then I can pick myself up again and glue myself back together, and I'll be moving in a direction - any direction. But I'm not moving at all right now. I'm standing still, between two steps, and it's driving me mad. I hate standing still.
 I think most of that is to be blamed on the apartment, cause my work on it have been rather still-standing this entire year, and I've gotten to a point where I just can't take it anymore. I'm tired of living in chaos and in boxes, cause that's how I've been living for almost two years now, and I'm at the end of my limits.

So, what am I doing about it all?

Taking it one day at a time. That's really all you can do when you've got fibromyalgia, cause it constantly gets in the way of whatever plans you've made. So, yeah, one day at a time. I try to make an effort daily to get things done, either in the apartment or on my project, so that I'm slowly forcing myself to move forward instead of standing still. It demands a lot of me, both mentally and physically, and I have to be careful not to push myself too hard or I'll just end up crashing completely. But I think it's somewhat working. My bad days and my good days are pretty equal in amount now, which is definitely an improvement, and absolutely something I can live with.

I take it one day at a time, and I try to focus on small things that keeps my mind busy, and that's how I'm slowly moving forward these days. Little by little, I'm gonna conquer this dungeon I'm in, and make it to that final boss. And when I do; I'mma kick its ass and gather a buttload of EXP to help me level up.

I've made it through every other dungeon so far, so I'm sure as hell not gonna let this one take me out.

The impact a character makes

I don't really have any updates regarding the things I addressed in my previous entry, cause I'm more or less in the same place. But I got my medicine dose doubled, as I mentioned, and that really helped a lot with the pain, and with helping me sleep, so I'm doing slightly better health-wise. And, of course, that naturally helps a lot on my mood. I'm still standing, even though I'm still deep within that dark dungeon of mine.

But that's not what I want to talk about in this entry.
Today I want to take a moment to talk about my darling companions, and how they've affected my life in such an astounding way.
If you are unfamiliar with my world and my companions, you should read up on an older blog entry of mine where I've tried explaining a little bit about it - My world

As I've already mentioned, my world and my characters (I prefer to refer to them as my companions) they are everything to me. I wouldn't even be alive if it wasn't for them, cause some of them have literally saved my life when I've been on the verge of ending it - and that has happened more than once. I owe them my life, and more. They've always been there for me. When life got hard, and everything was just horrible, I could turn to them and they'd protect me. They'd help me take my mind off the bad things happening in and around me, and just focus on something good instead. It was my escape - and my salvation.

I love my world. I've always loved it, and I know I'll never stop loving it. But my darling companions are so much more to me than all of those worlds within worlds all put together. Every single one of them has made an impact on me, and has brought something to my life that I either wanted or needed, or both. But a small handful of them have done so much more for me. They've saved my life, as I've alread said, and they brought new ways of thinking, and a new way of seeing things. By seeing things from their point of view, and by listening to them and their stories, I've learned new things about my world, my companions, the actual real world I live in, and myself. Their influence have helped me shape myself, and draw a proper map of who I am. I dare say that I know myself better than most people, purely because they've helped me see myself in ways I never thought was possible.

And then there are those random strangers that stumble into my life and completely change things. A while back I got a new addition to my Crew of Crazies - as I like to call my companions - and at the time I didn't think much of him. I was just playing around on a site called tektek where you can create so-called "dream avatars" for one of the online forums I'm a member of - GaiaOnline - and without really thinking I put together this random tektek of some random guy. And I stared at this tek for a long, long time, wondering what the eff I had just put together, and why, when I realized that he was just a new companion.
At that time, I had just started on a new RP with a good friend of mine (she's also my favourite RP partner), following a plotline we've been working on for about 8 years now, and I figured I'd just throw this newbie into that and see where that took me.

Wow. I had no idea that would leave such a massive impact on me as it did. This new companion - named Noct - really kicked up a storm, in a lot of ways. One thing is that he certainly made an impact on the other people in the RP, but another is how he got to me the way that he did. He challenged me, in a way I've never been challenged before, and it made me step very far outside of my general comfort zones, and it changed me. It changed my view of certain things, which has, in turn, helped me grow immensely.

Noct likes pushing the people around him. He always pushes everyone, and he often goes too far and crosses too many lines. He has gathered quite a lot of enemies of the years because of that. And it's all on purpose. As he says; You'll never grow and evolve as a person if you constantly stay in the same place, hiding within your comfort zones. You have to push yourself to get somewhere, and go beyond your own limits, cause only then you'll reach new heights that can fundamentally change who you are as a person, in a good way. But people rarely push themselves, so he does it for them. It doesn't always go well, of course, but most of the time it does.

He pushed me. He challenged me, my viewpoint, my thoughts and ideas, and he pushed me. I can see him standing there, tall and blue, with that stupid grin on his face and the playful spark in his eyes, daring me to go beyond my own limits, and before I even got as far as to take a leap off that edge, he came and just pushed me.

The biggest impact he made on me, personally, was the way I see my own sexuality. For those who know me, you know that it's been a horrible issue for me my entire life, cause I can never seem to settle down on a proper label that I feel comfortable with. I've gone from straight to bisexual, to lesbian, to bisexual again, to pansexual, to lesbian again, and then panromantic homosexual - or Wabbly, as I called it at one point - and I just keep swinging around without finding a place to settle down.

And then Noct appeared.

His reaction to sexuality caught me off guard, and it made me re-think some things. It was a specific scene that I had imagined (it never got used, or written down, unfortunately) where he was in some tavern, having a drink and chatting with some woman. In the middle of their conversation, an elven man passed by, and Noct turned to look after him, obviously finding the man attractive, and he then turned to the woman and commented on the man's appearence, stating that he, indeed, thought the man was attractive. The woman looked surprised and asked Noct if he was gay, and Noct just looked at her with a confused expression on his face. "What's gay?" To which she said that it was his sexuality, and that it determined whether he liked men or women. or both, and again he just looked at her with that confused expression on his face.

"Why would you put a name to that? How can a word decide whom you feel attracted to? Love is love, and sex is sex, and putting a name on it... Doesn't that create limits? I don't like limits. You should just feel what you feel, and don't get bound by a word that is supposed to decide what you feel, and for whom. Why would you label that?"

Why would you label that? That sentence - or question, rather- got to me, because it's true. He's right. Why does it have to have a name - a label? I'm not straight. I'm not a lesbian. I'm not a bisexual or a pansexual. I'm just me. And I'm wibbly wobbly sexy wexy! In short, I've finally found peace about things. I'm just me, and the me that I am doesn't need a label to decide what and who I like, and when. Depending on my mood, and the person in question, I can swing any way there is, and that'll change from day to day, so, I'll just take it as it comes. Simple as that.

He really challenged my view of myself, and he didn't stop there.

He challenged me art-wise as well, by having me doodle a picture of him with full frontal nudity! I don't do male nudity, cause no matter how you look at it I just can't stand penises. I'm sorry, I just don't. And so I refrain from drawing them. Or, rather, I used to, before Noct came into my life. And he taught me to step outside my boundaries and draw things I normally wouldn't, and I truly feel like that helped me develop a bit as an artist. I used to have limits to what I'd draw, and a very firm line I never wanted to cross, but Noct just erased that line for me, and pushed me headfirst beyond it. Which led me to do a lot of experimental doodles of things I normally wouldn't draw, and that, in turn, helped me grow more confident as an artist. And that feels good.

Of course, the challenge didn't stop there, and he changed a lot of things for me, and my general point of view regarding these things. And, most importantly, he challenged - and changed - the way I see my darling companions, and that change is rather drastic. It helped me realize something about myself, and my companions, that I had never seen before. I realized that I haven't seen my companions for who they truly were. I looked at them, and I didn't see them. I saw a disguise they had on that made them appear human. They all have it, that disguise, for various reasons (some of them have real forms that aren't even close to being humaniod in appearance), but all this time I've more or less forced them to keep that disguise on at all times. Because I've grown up here on earth, where you only have humans, I've been forcing them all to appear human. To have "normal" appearances, so they'd somehow fit into the reality that surrounds me. I don't know if it's because they all just sensed that I wanted to see them as human that made them come to me in their human disguises, or if it's just that I had a veil in front of my eyes that didn't allow me to see them as anything else, but either way I was human-izing them. I drew them with human appearances, and whenever I communicated with them they looked human companions to appear human.And that's wrong.

Noct is blue. Are humans normally blue? Nope! But he is, and it's because he's not a human. When he came into my life, he appeared as himself, and not as a human-ized version of him. And it made me take a step back and look at my companions, and for the first time I suddenly see them for who they TRULY are. After 20 years of working, I can now finally see things the way I was supposed to see them, and it made me want to completely change my approach to my work. Noct opened my eyes, and even though this has created a massive amount of work (there's a lot of things that needs to be changed now), I am so immensely happy about this! It feels as if I've been sitting inside this small box all these years while working, and all of a sudden someone opened that box and allowed me to step outside it. I was playing in a small puddle, thinking that this was all there was, and now I suddenly see that the puddle was connected to a gigantic ocean! It's as if I'm discovering my world for the first time all over again, and I'm stepping into it with the open mind of a child in awe.

The point of this rambling wall of text? I am now in the process of "re-designing" all of my companions. All of them are going through a change, cause now I can finally see who, and what, they truly are, and I'm gonna do my best to make sure everyone else sees it as well. I'm removing that human-ized veil I had thrown over them (or over my own eyes), and having them shed their disguises, allowing them to stand before me and proudly display who they really are. It's a lot of work, but it's exciting work! I'm redisovering my darling companions, and getting to know them all over again, and it's an exciting journey to make. And it's all thanks to this blue freak of mine that showed up out of nowhere and started pushing me.

Thank you, Noct.
And thank you, my darling companions.

It's thanks to all of you, and your influence, that I've gotten so far, and have reached so high, and without you in my life I wouldn't even be at all. I'll treasure that, always, and I'll keep pushing and challenging myself, and I'll fight my way through every dark dungeon that might appear, and I just know that I'll make it to the end, to the final boss, and with you by my side I'll defeat it. You are my strength, my support, and my salvation.

Mo okali, ati amirai.

It's been a while..

..Since I've been able to write anything. And I figured that it was about damn time that I took a moment to post an update, just to let the world know that I AM, in fact, alive. At least somewhat.

How have things been? Strangely turbulent.

I hit a bad spot. My health was really not all that great, and it just kept getting worse, breaking my body down, and it took its toll on my head and my mood. Slowly, that old depression of mine was starting to rear its ugly head, which made it rather hard for me to function properly, and I had to focus all my strength and attention on trying to fight it. This was sometime this spring/early summer. I was barely getting by, and it took pretty much all I had to keep my head above water. The fibromyalgia is hard to live with, and I'm still learning to adjust to it, and the way it just kept destroying my ability to be me was... Well, horrible. Everything in my life got put on hold, all the work on my apartment had stopped - which left me living in the middle of absolute chaos, due to the apartment being half-way under a complete renovation - and I basically stopped living for a while. I didn't go out, I didn't have any contact with people, and even my online life started to dwindle away. It was hard, but I was managing.

Then something happened. An old friend of mine that I've known for years, and whom I've always cared about despite him having moved away from town so I rarely got to see him, just suddenly disappeared. I had no idea, cause none of his friends or family thought to let me know, so about a week after his disappearance, I got a text from a friend we had in common, telling me that he was missing and asking me to share a link on facebook that she had posted. I went into complete shock, and of course I immediately went to share that link (it was one of those "this person is missing please share this link to help find him/her" links). After sharing it, it didn't pop up in my news feed, and I got this weird panic, so I called my mum to ask her if she could see the link I shared, and as soon as she answered her phone and I attempted to talk, I just broke apart. I cried that entire day. It's odd, though, cause I never thought I'd react like that, but I suppose you never really know how much you care about someone until they're not there anymore. Him disappearing really made me realize how much I treasured his friendship, and the talks we used to have on the facebook chat, and the way he seemed to understand me in a way few - if any - did.

I suppose his disappearance was just the last straw or something, cause I just tripped over myself and fell down, and I just couldn't get up again. I started falling apart, and no matter how much I tried, I just couldn't seem to repair myself. It was a really rough period for me, dealing with my health - both mentally and physically - and constantly checking the news to see if my friend had been found, while trying to appear at least somewhat normal to the world around me. The only thing that kept me going at all was an online RP I was in with a friend of mine from the US, and just generally chatting and plotting with her while RPing. Without that to focus on - and obsess over - I'm not so sure I would've managed to stay alive, to be honest. I fell into a pit I haven't been in for years, where I caught myself wanting to leave this world, and it was scary. Really scary. And it scared me so much that all I could do was obsess over a simple RP, to the point where the rest of the world just kind of disappeared, and I refused to pay attention to anything else. It became my lifeline.

Eventually, I got the message that my friend's body had been found, and that someone had been arrested in relation to that, and that there was suspicions that he had been murdered. Which, of course, was another blow, and I fell even more apart. Not only was he dead - gone, and with no chance of me ever seeing him again - but his death hadn't been an accident. It was really hard to swallow, and in the end it had me fleeing even deeper down into my obsession for the RP and my own little world in general, just to try and keep myself alive.

I'm trying to think back on it now, and I can really see that it was a really bad period, cause right now I can barely even remember those months, and I tend to do that when I'm in a bad place - I make the memories go away. It's all just a blurr, really. A lot of things happened this summer, and most of it is just gone from my head. I know I went down south with my brother to attend a convention called Desucon (that was an amazing weekend, by the way, and one I'm gonna treasure for a long time), but that's about it. Most of my summer is just gone.

Then, after changing doctors for the nth time, I finally got the help I needed, and I got started on some medication for the fibromyalgia that was going to take some of the pain. Which it did, actually. Just after a couple of days I noticed the difference - in a lot of ways. I finally slept at night - the meds doubles as sleeping pills - so I woke up earlier than usual, feeling rested and strong, and the pain was almost gone. Suddenly I had energy again, and things were really looking up. I had an amazing vacation in late June where I went down to Barcelona in Spain to visit one of my absolute bestest friends, and it was an amazing vacation that I really, really needed. Just being away from my life, taking it easy and not worrying about things for once, it really did me a lot of good. It was also really great to be able to spend time with an amazing woman, and her fantastic husband, and the two of them are without a doubt two of the most fantastic people in the world.

However, while I was away, I came to realize something about my life that just really hit me pretty hard; I'm not happy anymore. Something's wrong, and it's causing me to be unhappy, but I'm not entirely sure what it is. I found myself not wanting to go back home to my life again, and I considered just taking off and disappear somewhere instead of getting on that plane when I left Barcelona, and I considered this more than just once. That's not a good sign.

But I went back home, and luckily, my amazing family had some pretty awesome surprises for me regarding the apartment that really cheered me up, so the thoughts about leaving vanished. And with some help, I got around to continuing the work on the apartment again, and I made a very significant improvement on it. Focusing on the apartment helped distract me from the negative thoughts I was having, so for a short while I was doing okay again.

And now we're moving into autumn. The weather's getting colder and more wet, and it's getting darker out, and it's affecting me in some bad ways. It knocked out my body again, and started eating on my mood, and things stopped again. Which is where I am now. I've just had the meds doubled the other day, so hopefully that'll pick up my body again so I can start sleeping better again and the pain will go away. I've gotten a lot done in the apartment, but at the moment things are on hold for various reasons, and I'm trying to focus on nice things that can keep me distracted. I was in the middle of moving my computer into the bedroom, but things stopped in the middle of that, so right now I've got this temporary solution where it's been placed on the livingroom table. It's not ideal, cause this means I can't spend a lot of time on the computer, since I'm sitting in a position that makes my body hurt a lot, but I have nothing else I can do. I need some electric work done in the bedroom (so the computer actually has power), and I need to get some cables so the computer can actually have interwebs (and I can't afford that right now), so until those issues have been solved, the computer is stuck where it is.

This means no computer-related work, and no real online life, and it also means that I'm not able to focus on the RP that has been my lifeline for so long. I'm basically stuck in a bad place where my health - both physically and mentally - isn't doing all that well, and I don't really have anything to distract me. So, what I've been doing lately is getting lost within a series I fell in love with, called Fringe, as well as doing some work on my project by doing some minor sketches every day. It's not much, but it keeps me floating. And that's pretty important right now, cause I'm close to sinking. Way too close.

I'm slightly depressed, I can feel it, and my head's being weird with me again. I've had a couple of episodes where I've forgotten where I was, or who I was, and the world suddenly became strange and alien, and unreal, and I've seen things I shouldn't be seeing, cause they're not real, and it's frustrating. I'm not scared, like I used to be, cause I'm used to this now, and I know what's happening, but it's annoying. And frustrating. Especially since I've started feeling that pull again. That annoying pull, like something or someone's calling me, and I have this really strong urge to do something - but I don't know what. It feels like I have to find something, or someone, or some place. I don't know. I can't really explain it, cause there's just this weird feeling that I have, but it's really strong, and it's getting stronger, and it's bothering me. Mainly because I don't really understand what it is. Either way, I'm realizing that I'm not doing so well. It's not like what it used to be, all those years ago when I was at my sickest, and I doubt I'll ever end up back there again, but it's still iffy. I know I'll get through it, and that I'll be okay once I do, but right now I'm still in the middle of it, and it's hard.

Have I talked to anyone about this? No, not really. I don't think anyone even knows that things are bad, cause I've kept more or less quiet about it. It's not that I want to hide things from people, or that I'm ashamed, or too scared to get help, or anything like that. It may sound weird, but I really feel like this is something I need to handle on my own. And if I tell people, they'll meddle and try to help - which is nice, of course, and I'm grateful, don't get me wrong! - but right now I don't want anyone to help me. I don't want anyone to meddle, cause I think that might just confuse me instead of help me. Whatever's going on inside me right now, I need to figure it out on my own.
I'm working my way through a dungeon of some sorts, and I need to keep the controller in my own hands while I'm playing through this. Even though it would've been nice with a walkthrough, or having someone else give me some tips, or even taking the controller and helping me passed some points, I really feel like that would do more harm than good in the end. I mean, if I can't manage to fight these smaller enemies I'm struggling with on my own, then how the hell am I gonna make it passed the boss and get out of the dungeon? It's as simple as that.

I guess the point of it all is that yes, I'm not doing okay. I'm in a bad spot, and I'm somewhat stuck. But I'm working on it, on my own, and it has caused me to step back a bit, and not take part of the world, and I'll keep it like that for a while. I'm still alive, I'm still here, and there's no real need to worry about me, but I need time. Time to myself. Time to figure out how to nagivate through this dungeon of mine. Just give me that time, and I'm sure I'll be fine.

That's all.

Dreams of Death

One of the side-effects of the fibromyalgia is that many people have trouble getting to deep sleep. For some reason, they can't seem to get passed the dreamstate, so they never get truly rested, which is why they are always so tired. For me, this has been a problem most of my life. I keep having what I call "dream nights" where I just dream the entire night. Leaves me absolutely exhausted, it does...

I dream a lot. All sorts of strange dreams, many whom leaves me worried about my mental state, haha! But one thing I dream too much of, in my opinion, is dying. I've lost count of how many times I've died in my dreams.

Someone once told me that if we've died in specifically bad ways in our previous lives, the fear of dying like that again is imprinted deep within us, causing recurring nightmares about it. So, if we have repeated dreams where we die in the same way, it's supposedly that fear. If that's true, I've been shot, drowned in the lava from an errupted vulcano, killed in massive earthquakes and floods that has destroyed the world, and stood in the wake of an exploded atomic bomb.
Those are the ways I always, always die, in my dreams. The most common one is the atomic bomb. I always see that cloud, and the shockwave moving towards me, and I get that horrible feeling where I know that I'll be dead within seconds, and there's nothing I can do. And I just accept it. The second most common one is a natural disaster, either by earthquakes and floods, or vulcanos. Or, the most fun ones, those combined. The entire land around me is just utterly destroyed, and I know it's not caused by man. The ones where I get shot aren't too common, but they do repeat themselves. I usually get shot in the back, trying to escape something, or someone.

I never wake up just before I die. I wake up during, or right after. So, I always get to feel that feeling I can never seem to explain. Dread, despair, fear, defeat, acceptance... Something in between, maybe. I don't know. If that's what it feels like to die...

Anyway.

It's always the same. I've never, ever dreamt that I died in any other way, and I've died way more often than I'd like to admit to anyone. The only exception... Is last night. I dreamt that I died, again. But nothing about that dream was anything like what I usually dream. And the feeling I had, throughout the entire dream, in the back of my mind... It's still kind of there, telling me that it wasn't a dream. It sounds ridicules, but for some reason that dream just had a massive impact on me. It wasn't really that much of a nightmare even. Not really.


I was with my mum and dad, and my brother, and we were all living together in their house. It wasn't the house they live in right now, cause it was very different, and placed somewhere else, but I can't remember if it was a house I've seen before, or something my mind just made up. And the sky suddenly became really weird. I looked outside, wondering why the sky was so strange, and I saw this gigantic hand, dark purple-ish with black claws, reaching out of the sky itself and grabbing hold of a house somewhere in the distance. And within seconds, the house was destroyed, and I just knew that everyone in the house was dead.

I just thought to myself, as everyone started to panic, that this couldn't be real. It was too bizarre. This couldn't be happening. This was reality, earth, where these things were impossible. So, we couldn't die. We couldn't be killed by this hand. It was just not real. Yet, at the same time, I knew. I knew that we would soon be dead, and there was nothing we could do about it. I heard this strange sound, and I swear it felt like I was suddenly trapped within a second. All the emotions I felt, at the same time, rushing through me. And that feeling... That despair, that horrible fear, knowing that this is the end. Defeat. And, in a way, acceptance. It all happened in a second, and it felt like an eternity, and I died.

There was no pain. Just that horrible feeling.

Then I think I was in some kind of room. Or a space of some sort. There wasn't really anything there, and it was kind of blurry. Or foggy, maybe. But I could see energy around us, moving. I don't know if it was moving out of us, or into us, or just around us. But it was there. And I remember wondering why I could still feel. I was supposed to be dead, so why did I still feel?
Mum was there, but my dad and my brother was only there for a fragment of a second before they were gone, and the energy with them. I don't remember if someone came and told us, or somehow we just knew, but my dad and my brother had been sent to heaven. They had completed all of life, and were done with it. They had been given the ultimate reward. Heaven.

Then we were in a city. A strange and unusal city, in a way. It looked very much like an ordinary human city on earth, but there were some buildings that seemed off. And that feeling... Like there was something not quite right about the place. It just felt different. Wrong, in a way. And then someone came, or maybe they had been with us all along - I really don't remember - and they told us that we were dead, mum and I. But we weren't going to heaven.

Sometimes, when people died, instead of going to heaven, they'd end up in that place. It's not hell, they said, cause there's no such thing, but it's the closest you can get. I remember jokingly asking if it was earth, and their responce was "Similar, but not quite."
Going to heaven meant that you were done with life, and that you were cleared for the "upper level", or something like that. But every now and then, people got the chance to earn their way back to life. A second chance of some sort. And they had to work their way through that world to earn it. Mum had done that - gotten that chance. I don't know if they meant that she would go back to her old life, or that she would be reborn into a new one, but she had been given the chance to earn her way back to earth, at least according to their records. That's why she wasn't sent off to heaven.

Heaven is the ultimate reward, but it is a one way ticket. Once you go there, you can't go back. Life is permanently over for you. That's what they said. Depending on who you are, going to heaven can be a really good thing, or a really bad thing. Life may not be as good as heaven, but it is life, at least.

But me... I baffled them. According to their records, I was not allowed to go to heaven, ever. So when I died, they had no other choice but to place me in that world. They didn't know what else to do. They didn't even know why their records said that I could never go to heaven. All I know is that I felt like I didn't belong anywhere.

Then mum was gone, and I was on my own, in that strange city. I suppose she went off to do what she needed to do to earn her way back to life, but I don't really remember. I just know that I was alone. And I had no idea what to do. Could I earn my way back to life? Could they send me somewhere else? Or was I stuck in this city forever?

I've forgotten most of the dream in that place, but I do remember finding some other people to get along with - the city was filled with people, of course, but these were the important ones. They were strangers, but company. They were stuck there as well, trying to earn their way back to life, although I was the only one in my situation. We were trying to figure out how to survive. None of us had money, or a job, or a place to live. The rule of the city, apparently, was that you had to survive on your own. No help. But we stuck together. We were four, or maybe five, people, and we had decided to work together.

I had been out for a walk, and I had gotten a card from someone that was renting out a space for opening a store, and we were in the middle of discussing how we could work together to survive when I brought out that card. Maybe we could manage, together, to get enough money for that place? We could open up a store. They all had things they could sell - items, their services - so it would be a way to get by. I remember thinking that I could make jewelry and sell it.

I wasn't happy. But I was clinging on to the hope that somehow I'd find a solution. I'd get out of the situation I was in. Hope was really all I had.

And then I woke up.

And in that moment, I had that horrible feeling that the dream had showed me what was going to happen. The dream was just a dream, but what I saw in the dream, that city, it was all real. And I wasn't supposed to know. I saw something no one was supposed to see.


I know it's ridicules. I know it was just a dream. But it has haunted me the entire day, and I still feel really uncomfortable. Like I saw something I wasn't supposed to. And it makes me want to hide. I don't even know why.
It was one of the strangest dreams I've ever had - not because the content was all that strange (I've had weirder dreams), but because of the feeling that followed me in that dream. That feeling that's trying to convince me that it wasn't a dream, even though I know that it was.

Then again, some of the info I have on my work has come from dreams, so maybe this was just another way for me to learn something about Arcaiia. I don't know. All I know is that one giant part of me prays I'll enver dream something like that again, while another tiny part of me wants to go back.

Along with all those strange feelings the dream gave me, there's that nagging one telling me that there's something I have to know.

Maybe I just need more sleep.