A week of progress and good things

It's been a rather eventful week, so I've got a bunch of updates.

First off, last Sunday. Was watching TV when the phone suddenly rang, and I saw that it was my best friend calling. Naturally, my nerves threatened to kill me and I stared at the phone for I don't know how long before I finally dared to answer it. Stupid nerves being stupid. But, anyways, we talked for a while about this and that, and before hanging up I gathered the courage to ask if she wanted to do something the following week. And she actually said yes! Truth be told, when I hung up I was almost jumping around in the apartment. It may sound strange, but when you've struggled with the anxiety I've been struggling with for the past months, just being able to answer the phone is amazing in itself, let alone being able to ask whomever's calling if they want to do something with me. And it just generally felt great to talk to her again, cause everyone knows I miss her like hell when we haven't had contact in a while. She IS my best friend, after all.

But, then my strange week started! And that week just topped everything I've ever experienced!


Monday!
Me and my mum had an appointment with a relative of ours that is a medium and a healer, but mum got sick so she called me and said she couldn't go with me, and asked if I'd be able to do it by myself. I could feel my nerves starting to suffocate me when she said it. But, I had really been looking forward to this, so I just damned it all to hell and said that I'd go alone. And I did. And I sat there for almost 5 hours, just talking! It was absolutely amazing. She was so great to talk to, and so was her mother whom was present as well, and I had a great time! Got to talk about a lot of things that trouble me, as well as share my thoughts and feelings and theories about things I generally can't talk about, and then they performed some healing on me. I felt so great when I left there, that I can't even remember the last time I felt so great! And that experience did something for me. Can't really explain it, but I felt different somehow. Better, almost.

Tuesday!
I woke up with the greatest feeling ever. I got up early, and then decided to go to town since I felt so great. Left a note on FB about going to town, and told people to give me a buzz if they wanted to meet for a cup of coffee. No one buzzed, but that doesn't matter cause the day turned out awesome anyway! I met my neighbour when I got outside and he was kind enough to drive me to town and then buy me a cup of coffee. So we sat there and talked, when my best friend and her ex came by and they sat down and had coffee with us. Just before they left, we agreed that she'd call me later, and if she forgot then I'd call her to remind her about it. Then I met up with one of my sisters and had lunch with her, and when she went back to work I walked around town for a while before meeting my other sister and having lunch with her as well. All in all, I spent hours in town, being social like I've never been before, and got me some nifty earrings on sale. When the evening came, I called my best friend and we arranged on them picking me up the next day. Quite an eventful day.

Wednesday!
Got up really, really early and were picked up as arranged, then spent some hours helping out in my friend's apartment and just talking. It felt so great, and I got to talk about a lot of things I needed to talk about. We decided to go out on Friday, so we made plans on having a party at her place. Then she had an appointment at her school, so we walked there and then mum picked me up and we went to browse through some store before picking up my friend at school and driving down to town. We walked around for some hours, just talking and stuff, before I finally made my way home. The second social day in a row, and I felt absolutely great! And later that evening, I had an appointment with my relative who's a medium and went with her to some meeting where they talked about a lot of interesting and supernatural things. I actually had a great time, and felt even better when I finally got back home.

Thursday!
Things finally caught up to me, and I woke up with a massive anxiety attack that lasted most of the day. I felt so tired, so drained, and the fear was like a giant claw wrapped around my chest and slowly crushing me. And whenever I thought about the following Friday, I felt this really bad feeling nagging at the back of my mind, telling me that it wasn't going to happen. So, I decided to just take it easy the entire day, and reload my batteries. I had done well so far that week, so a small break was something I could afford. I even tried meditating to one of the CDs my relative gave me, and not even did it make me feel better, but it removed the anxiety and inspired me to write a small meditation thingy. A quiet day, with lots of reading for the most part, but it felt good.

Friday!
My friend called me early that day and told me her son had gotten sick, so the party and everything got canceled. In the back of my mind, I felt something going "I told you so!" when she said it, strangely enough. Though my nerves were glad, I felt a bit said cause I had been looking forward to partying with her, and it's generally no fun when kids get sick. But, mum picked me up and we browsed some shops before she drove me to my psychologist where I got to give her the weekly updates. And she was amazed. The progress I had made that week alone was beyond anything we had hoped for, and even though I didn't really complete my homework, I had done several times better than that! I felt really proud of myself, and she told me I had every reason to. Needless to say, it felt good.
Now, the following evening I had planned on just staying at home, drinking beer and watching TV, especially since my nerves were a bit out of it, but as I drank I just felt this strange urge to go out after all. And after a while - and after calling my cousin, whom was kind enough to pay for a cab - I just decided to do it! I got dressed, got out my door, and took a cab down to town where I had the best. Time. Ever! I danced - and at one point had almost the entire dancefloor to myself - completely ignoring all the people staring at me, met tons of awesome people, got to sing and dance with some really pretty girls, and even witnessed some drama. And not even once did I even think about my anxiety! I had a great time!

Saturday!
A bit hung over, but when thinking about how great I did last night by going out on my own like that, I felt so great that I can't even describe it. Got up and went to town with mum, and I felt so good that I almost danced in the middle of town several times. And as we were on our way to my grandparents, my friend called me and asked if we could go out that night instead, cause she really needed it. I didn't mind at all! So, later she came over and we had fun drinking while getting ready, and then we managed to get my sister to come over as well so the three of us could go out together. We had tons of fun, but sadly I managed to get really sick when we were out, and threw up after a while, so we had to wrap up early. Luckily I have such an amazing friend that always takes care of me, so she took me home with her and got me placed on a couch where I passed out rather quickly. A drunk night, that's for sure.

Sunday!
I woke up feeling so hung over and dead that I couldn't even move. And my legs were aching like hell after dancing in heels two nights in a row, so I could hardly walk. But, even so, I had a great day. It felt good not being alone in my own apartment for once, and even if we spent most of the day on the couch, I had a good time. Watched a ton of movies, and then she made pizza, before I finally managed to walk back home again. I seriously had a great time, despite being so damned hung over. When I got home, I watched some TV before crawling into bed, satisfied with the week that had been. It's really been a great week!

All in All

It's a short recap of the past week, just cause I want people to know how much progress I did that week. I'm really, really proud of myself, cause I've done a lot of things I haven't been able to do before. One thing is just being social and going to town and meeting people, but on top of it all I even managed to go out all by myself and have a great time! I'm just so amazed by the things I did that week. I'm not even sure how it happened. It just did, and I'm so happy for it. I've really had a great week.

I had a really strange night last night, with a lot of weird dreams that kind of bug me, and I slept for a long time today. I'm pretty sure I've exhausted myself this past week, so I just need a little time to recharge my batteries or something. I'm tired today, but I don't really mind. I just take it as proof that last week really did happen, and that I really did push myself beyond my own boundaries.


Now, I'm not saying that everything's okay, that my issues have been fixed, and that from now on my life will be perfect. The problems that I have aren't fixed that easy, and that I know. I can still feel a lot of my issues in the back of my head, I know my anxiety is still there, and my self-esteem is still pretty much non-existent. But! I have started taking a step forward, and I've made a ton of progress, and I can now see that even though I may not be close to the end of this tunnel, I've actually made it quite far. I've finally turned in on the right path, and I feel like I've opened so many doors! Okay, so maybe I haven't walked through those doors, but at least they're open! I found a key! And this small step has opened the biggest door of them all for me; the door that might lead towards a solution to everything. I know I have a lot of hard work in front of me, a lot of heavy periods, and it'll be rough time for me. I know. But what I also know is that I'll reach the end of this tunnel and my hard work will pay off. I'll be okay. I'll reach the point in my life where I'll be happy.

Cause what I can see now after this past week, is that it's possible for me to reach the destination I dream of.

I've been struggling for the past year and a half, and for all I know I still might have a year or two of struggling ahead of me. But now I know I won't be giving up. Reading back through my previous entries, I see how close I've been to giving up. And even though I haven't said it out loud or written it in my blog, the thought of just ending things have been a constant one every single day for the past months. I don't think anyone will ever know how close I've gotten to just giving up. How far out on that edge I've really been. And I know I'll probably find my way back to that edge several times in the future. But, hopefully, when the time comes and I find myself to be so far out on that edge, I've been able to reach something within myself that'll let me turn to someone and ask that they pull me back in.

Right now, that is my goal. To be able to feel that I'm not worthless, and asking for help won't make me a burden to people. I want to be able to feel that I am actually worthy of other people's love and care, so that when I am in need of their help, I'll be able to ask for it. I know I have people I can depend on, and one day I'll be able to actually depend on them without hating myself for troubling them.

One day, I am actually going to learn to love myself again.

Dreams and Anxieties

I've got dreams, and hopes, and all that jazz. What I lack, unfortunately, is courage, and probably a bit of skill.

Everyone who knows me know that I've been drawing and doodling and getting lost within my own fantasy ever since I was a little girl. Reality just never did it for me, so I found my own little world in which I grew up. This world was a natural part of me, just like my appearance or my personality, and without it I wouldn't even be today. Though, it wasn't until I met my best and closest friend, at the age of 11-12, that this world really started developing as the two of us started exploring it together. It grew from one little world and into an entire multiverse. My home.
And my entire life I've dreamt of somehow making this world "real" by sharing it with the rest of the world.

But, it was back when The Legend of Zelda The Ocarina of Time first came out on Nintendo 64 and I held it in my own two hands, that my first real dream came to be; I wanted to be a game designer.
Everyone knows I'm a huge fan of Final Fantasy, and have been ever since I first laid eyes on Final Fantasy VII and fell in love, but in truth it was Ocarina of Time that got me hooked on the gaming dream. From that moment on, I knew that what I wanted most in life was to be able to design and publish my own games. It was right there and then that my first attempts at designing, drawing and writing a game began, and I still have all those drawings. To me, they're treasure.

As I've grown and developed, so has this world that I grew up in. Stories unfolded, new people emerged, and new worlds became open for exploring. Together, me and my best friend took a deep dive into this vast world, and more or less stayed there. When I tell people that she and I share worlds between us, I mean it quite literally. I don't think anyone at all share such a unique world, nor such amazing stories. And for years, I've worked so hard on drawing and writing so that one day I would somehow be able to publish something from this world of ours. And while I've been working, I've grown more and more fond of the idea of making this world into a game. As I'm drowning in ideas, I can see that this world would be perfect as a game world, which will give the rest of the world a chance to play their way through the place that is my home.

The problem, however, is finding a way to make it into a game.
I have neither the skills, nor the funds, nor the right connections to create a game.

I cling to this dream of mine, like a child clinging to its mother, and never will I let it go. Though I have no idea how, I know that one day this world will be made real. But, I have to shamefully admit that as time passes, I do fear that I'll never be able to realize this dream of mine. It just seem so unreachable! Yes, I have the ideas, yes, I have the people and the designs, and yes, I have the stories. But actually creating a game involves a lot of other skills within programming and such, and those are the skills I lack.

One of my options would be to go back to school and get an education to develop the skills that I lack, which'll probably take me many, many years to do, and when I'm done I can start attempting to make a game on my own with whatever skills I have. It's an option, yes, but a very unlikely one.
Another option would be to put together a very good presentation of this world and my ideas, and take them all with me to an actual gaming company and pray that they'll find the time to look at it. And if they do look at it, pray that they'll like it and actually decide that they want to create it. A good option, yes, but a very difficult one.
A third option would be to see if I can get the funds somehow to start my own gaming company from the ground of, searching out the right type of people to hire and do research on what is generally needed to establish a company like this. Without a doubt my most favourite option seeing as owning my own company have always been a dream of mine, but it's a long and hard road to travel.

But, in the end, all of this requires courage.
And as previously mentioned, courage is one of the things I'm lacking...

My main problem is that I allow my anxiety to dictate my life.

Homework

My anxiety is without a doubt one of my biggest problems, along with my complete lack of self-esteem, and my psychologist clearly mean it is a severe thing. My anxiety is so intense, that it has become a part of my personality, which is one of the reasons for why I am diagnosed with a severe Anxious Personality Disorder. Up until now, my psychologist have been hesitant about doing anxiety training, from fear of just making matters worse, but now we've gotten to the point where starting a very harsh training is just about the only solution. Either way, it's quite clear that I can't, and won't, continue my life this way. Something's got to change.

She gave me homework today, and just thinking about it makes me so anxious that I start to shake and can barely even type. She wants me to contact one person - it doesn't matter who - and ask this person to go to town and have a cup of coffee together. This is way beyond my safety zone, which is probably a part of the point, and I have no idea how to muster up the courage to do that. I don't even know who to contact!

It had to be someone who's outside my safety zone, of course, but that includes just about the entire rest of the world. The only people in my safety zone is my own mother, and my two lovely sisters. My best friend is also in the safety zone, but mainly when we have contact. When we haven't had contact in a while, she moves out of my safety zone, and I get too afraid to contact her, unfortunately. It totally sucks, but that's typically my anxiety. Either way, since she's technically inside my safety zone, for the most part, I can't really use her in this homework of mine, according to my psychologist.

This leaves me completely clueless on who to contact for a cup of coffee. One simple cup of coffee in town! And my nerves are threatening with a complete shut-down by just the thought of it... I've got one week to complete this homework of mine, and I'm honestly tempted to just dig myself a hole beneath my bed and stay there the rest of my life. I am such a hopeless wreck.

I know I have to start somewhere to hopefully manage to solve my problems, but it's not an easy task. I know I let my anxiety control my life, I know I have no faith in myself and my own worth, I know I'm a hopeless wreck, and I definitely know I need to do something about it! But, trust me when I say that it's easier said than done. When my anxiety is so bad that I have to force myself to call my own mother or go online, then it's pretty bad. I don't dare pick up my phone and send my best and most dearest friend a simple text message! Just walking out my own door requires me to have my mother there to more or less hold my hand, or I don't dare to! My apartment is my main safety zone, and I'm too damned scared to leave it.

Of course, the main reasons behind my anxieties is my fear of being rejected. It's the result of having had every single person who ever told me they loved me leave me. Having been rejected, betrayed and left so many times by those I love kind of leaves marks. I'm too afraid to trust people now. I don't dare let them in. I don't dare to contact them from fear of being rejected. I don't dare love people, for the fear of them leaving me. I don't believe anyone can love me. I stopped believing that a long time ago.

I don't consider myself being worth anything at all. I honestly believe that even if people are nice to me, they really think I'm an idiot. That I'm annoying. That I complain a lot. That I'm insane. That I'm too much of a burden. That I'm just a waist of time. That I'm just plain worthless. These are part of my daily thoughts, my reality. This is the image I have in my head. And one of the reasons for why I don't dare to have social contact is from the fear of having these thoughts confirmed. One thing is thinking it, another thing is to get it slammed in my face. That alone blocks my way, and keeps me from contacting people.

When all these fears, the negativity, lack of self-esteem and anxiety has become such an essential part of who I am, how do I change? How do I change my life for the better? How do I change who I am and how I think? How can I take all these problems, turn them around, and make them into something good? I have absolutely no idea.

I once knew who I was. I've seen the core of my being, tasted a small part of me, so I know. I know who I could've been. And that person is still inside me somewhere, hidden beneath all the fear and the anxiety, locked away in some hidden box. I know I could be that person! I just don't know how. How do I dig out myself from underneath so much bad? How do I clean up the mess that make up who I am today, to bring out who I truly should be? Where do I even begin? Is it even possible? I have no idea.

I don't even know if I'm capable of doing this one homework my psychologist gave me.

So where's the hope?

Dangling from the edge

I feel like I'm at the end of my rope now, and still things are growing more difficult. It's my anxiety that's killing me, and these days I hardly even dare to go online cause I fear I might fall apart. I even have to force myself to call my own mother, that's how bad it is. I'm shivering all over, all the time, and the fear is a giant claw wrapped around my chest and stomach, making it difficult to breathe and painful to move. I've been reduced to a wrecked ball of nerves, and all I can do is sit in the corner of my couch and stare at the room. I don't even cry. Don't have the nerves to.

I do try my best to ignore it, and act as if I'm okay. Go to town with mum every now and then, meet and talk to my sisters when they're at work, and yet on the inside it's like a giant wall of bricks is about to come tumbling down on top of me. I have a weekly appointment with my psychologist, and I show up there every week and talk to her about things, and I can tell by the way she looks at me (and how she randomly calls me just to check up on me) that she's worried. Can't say I blame her, cause I'm seriously worried myself. I thought I was making progress, but then I just hit a wall. And now I'm not even walking anymore. I'm dangling from some edge.

Maybe I need some contact person that can check up on me a couple of times a week, or something. I don't know. I really do wish I had someone there for me, whom I could contact when things got bad. Though, knowing myself and this anxiety, I doubt I'd dare even contact such a person when I can't even contact those closest to me. The truth is, that I don't really have anyone at all that I can turn to and depend on. I have people I know of, a couple of close friends, but not really anyone I feel I can lean on. It's probably my own fault, for not being able to stand being a burden to others (and I really do feel like a burden, honestly) so instead of contacting people I just stay away. Don't want to trouble them. I know I'm a difficult and demanding person, especially now that I'm as sick as I am, so I completely understand that no one can be bothered taking on that burden of being around me. I don't blame anyone for it. I just blame myself for being me.

But, oh gawd, how I wish things were different. That I had close friends that would suddenly show up at my door and insist that I come to town with them or that they want to come in and spend time with me, just because they want and need my company. Friends who knew what I'm like, how difficult I can be, and still didn't care cause they wanted some of my time. It's probably my own fault for not having close friends like that, due to my anxiety holding me back, and just generally me being who I am. I just wish it wasn't so.

Right now all I manage to do is shut the world out and pretend it's not real. The world doesn't exist. Even when I'm outside my own door, making a short trip to town or something, I just pretend it's all a dream. That when I get back home, I'll wake up and the rest of the world is gone. Everything that is, is my apartment and the things within it.

It's a sad way to live, but right now it's the only way I know how to live. I don't have the nerves to do anything else. I don't have the nerves to live. I only exist, if even that.

I honestly don't want this.
But what can I do, when I'm too scared to do anything?