Yeah, my head is malfunctioning on me these days, and it's driving me nuts. I keep forgetting everything, and I can't seem to think properly, nor make any decisions regarding even the smallest of things. It's as if its on a complete shut down!
My memory has generally gotten worse these past years, but these days it's just horrible. Like yesterday, mum gave me a call and made an appointment for today, saying that she'd come pick me up. A short while later, I had already forgotten what the appointment was about, and no matter how hard I tried to remember, it was just gone from my head. This morning, I had to text mum and ask her if I had anything I was supposed to do today, cause I honestly couldn't remember. She had to call me and explain the appointment we made all over before my brain finally managed to kick in. And that's just a tiny drop in the ocean of the things I've been forgetting.
Then there's my complete inability to think of things that is usually just a breeze for me. Like, I'm doing an RP with a friend of mine online, and I never have problems typing up my reply. I mean, I often have a reply ready in my head long before I've even read what others have posted. When I take long in replying, it's usually cause I'm working on typing it up the right way, or cause I want to rethink my reply to see if I can improve it. But right now, she's been waiting for days, cause I can't think of a single reply to give her. I literally am completely out of ideas. My head's blank! And that never happens to me when RPing. Ever! Ugh, it's so annoying.
And you won't even believe how long it took me to decide what to do about the space above my kitchen counter. Tiles? Plates? RUGS? I went through all the ideas there could possibly be, and I nearly tore my hair off in pure frustration, cause I just couldn't make up my mind! It felt like my head was imploding on me! Luckily I managed to find a solution, but that was after going around in circles for days!
I am just so god damned out of it.
And I know it's because I'm tired. I'm well aware of it. I'm supposed to be resting, taking it easy, and attempting to fix this fatigue thingy. Recharge my batteries. But it's... It's difficult.
I'm not thinking about the diagnose. I've pushed it to the back of my mind, and decided that I'm not ready to look at it just yet. So, right now, I'm not feeling anything about that subject at all. But, it's sitting there at the back of my mind, so even though I'm not thinking about it, it's still making me tired, I suppose.
Mainly, it's the apartment.
I'm so fed up with it. No, really, I'm fed up. I act all cool and joke about it whenever someone asks me, but on the inside I'm seething with anger and frustration. I'M SO FUCKING SICK OF IT! I just want to be done. I want to be able to sit down, in my own home, and just be done with it all. I want to enjoy living here. I want to feel like I have a home. But I don't. I just live in a mess that is making me want to cry whenever I look at it. Like I am right now. Crying. Cause I'm so frustrated and sick and tired and I just want to run away from everything.
9 months of work and frustration, and I am far beyond just reaching my limits. I got to them a long time ago, and now I am way beyond them. Do you have any idea what that's like? Cause it feels like my own personal hell.
It's that god damned kitchen. And it's having to rely on others all the time, because I can't do things myself. Either I don't have the skills, or I don't have the health. There's always something getting in my way! And so I have to get help from others to get anything done, which means that I am totally at their mercy, and everything has to happen by their schedule. And no, I don't mean to complain, cause I'm so grateful I even have someone that can help, but I'm just so tired of having to rely on someone else. It's MY home. And I just want to be done.
I don't even have a life right now, cause all my focus goes into handling this.
And I'm so tired. My god, you have no idea how tired I am. I act like it doesn't get to me and that I'm okay living like this, but most of the time I can't even look around me cause I'll just feel sick to my stomach and cry if I do. I'm living in a god damned mess. And I'm just really, really tired of it.
I just want to sleep until next year comes.
I'm too tired right now.
And since I've cried my eyes out right now, I'm gonna go scavenge the place for a small drink, cause I really need it. And maybe some chocolate. Some chocolate would be great right now. Yeah.
onsdag 23. oktober 2013
søndag 6. oktober 2013
Rethinking Life
I've got a lot on my mind right now, and most of it involves rethinking a lot of things in my life.
This week I was submitted to a hospital for 5 days, going through an intense investigation to figure out what's going on with my body and why I'm in so much pain all the time. We had suspected Fibromyalgia for a while now, and I finally got my doctor to send a request to the hospital to get this investigated. However, when I got called in, it was to investigate on the suspicion of me having ME (chronic fatigue syndrome).
Well, the week is over, and I've now been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, as we suspected, but with the chances of developing ME if I don't take it easy, cause my body is really burned out and is already pretty fatigued.
It's a kind of bittersweet feeling, getting this diagnose. I finally know what's wrong now, and can start working my way around it, but it's not a good diagnose to have. In fact, it's really bad. I'm still trying to let it sink in, so I'm not sure how to respond to this myself. This bittersweet feeling is so far the only thing I can feel. I think a part of me don't want to believe it. I don't know.
I've gotten a lot of kind words from people after I made it public. Those that know a thing or two about Fibromyalgia have all expressed their symapthies, and some are even giving me some advices on how to deal with it, while those who know nothing about it are wishing me to get well.
Heh, get well...
If you're a woman, have you ever had really horrible period cramps? You know, the kind of pain that makes you want to rip out your own uterus because it's so bad, or that you curse whatever it was that made you a woman cause right there and then being a man would be a far better option than dealing with this pain.
Or, if you're a man, have you ever had a really bad toothache? Like, where you wish you could just remove your entire jaw and all your teets, just to get away from the pain, cause nothing you do makes it better. It just hurts, and it drives you insane.
Now imagine if you feel that exact kind of pain in your entire foot, and nothing helps to make that pain go away. It doesn't matter if you keep the foot still, or if you move it around, cause the pain stays the same no matter what.
Now imagine that pain in both your feet, and both your arms, and you wake up to that pain. And on top of it all, whenever you wake up, it feels like you've been up most of the night, partying and running a marathon, cause you're just dead tired and completely exhausted. After a whole night of sleeping, you wake up in pain, completely exhausted, and have to get out of bed and face an entire day like that. If you can imagine that, you can imagine the days I usually have.
This past year, those days have grown more and more common for me, and now I don't have a couple of bad days between all the good ones. I have a couple of good days between all the bad ones. This is my life right now.
That is Fibromyalgia. And you know what? There's no cure. Once you get it, you have to live with it for the rest of your life. You can find a good treatment that works for you, often combining medicine with a kind of excersize that might help, which varies from person to person, and it can keep the pain somewhat at bay and give you a semi-normal life. But you're at the mercy of that treatment and dependant on it to keep up that life, cause if you ever stop then you'll go back to all those bad days again.
It's not like when you've got an injury, that you can treat for a while and it all gets better and you can stop the treatment. Fibromyalgia doesn't work that way. It doesn't go away after a while. You just find a way to chain it down, and then you spend the rest of your life maintaining those chains so it doesn't break free and attack you again.
Sounds dramatic, yeah? Well, it's not as dramatic as I'm making it out to be. I'm just trying to paint a very rough picture for you to understand. While my life ain't over in any way just because I've got a diagnose like this, my life will have to change quite drastically. And I am now working with myself to come to terms with this. Things'll get better, but I'll never be completely well again. Right now, that thought is kind of heavy, but I am going to learn to accept that, and work my way around it. I'll find a way for me to make my life a good one, despite everything.
I've got a lot on my mind now. Everything inside me is telling me that I need to rethink my life, and how I want to live it. So I'm gonna do that. Rethink my life. Don't know how long that'll take me, but I'll take the time I need. I'll figure something out.
This diagnose is a bit of a blow to the stomach. And now I'm gonna rethink everything and find a way to take advantage of that blow and twist and turn my life around and make it something different. Something better. If changes needs to be made, then I'll make sure that I'm the one in charge of those changes.
I believe in fate. I believe that there's a reason for everything.
And I'm gonna find the reason for this. Somehow.
This week I was submitted to a hospital for 5 days, going through an intense investigation to figure out what's going on with my body and why I'm in so much pain all the time. We had suspected Fibromyalgia for a while now, and I finally got my doctor to send a request to the hospital to get this investigated. However, when I got called in, it was to investigate on the suspicion of me having ME (chronic fatigue syndrome).
Well, the week is over, and I've now been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, as we suspected, but with the chances of developing ME if I don't take it easy, cause my body is really burned out and is already pretty fatigued.
It's a kind of bittersweet feeling, getting this diagnose. I finally know what's wrong now, and can start working my way around it, but it's not a good diagnose to have. In fact, it's really bad. I'm still trying to let it sink in, so I'm not sure how to respond to this myself. This bittersweet feeling is so far the only thing I can feel. I think a part of me don't want to believe it. I don't know.
I've gotten a lot of kind words from people after I made it public. Those that know a thing or two about Fibromyalgia have all expressed their symapthies, and some are even giving me some advices on how to deal with it, while those who know nothing about it are wishing me to get well.
Heh, get well...
If you're a woman, have you ever had really horrible period cramps? You know, the kind of pain that makes you want to rip out your own uterus because it's so bad, or that you curse whatever it was that made you a woman cause right there and then being a man would be a far better option than dealing with this pain.
Or, if you're a man, have you ever had a really bad toothache? Like, where you wish you could just remove your entire jaw and all your teets, just to get away from the pain, cause nothing you do makes it better. It just hurts, and it drives you insane.
Now imagine if you feel that exact kind of pain in your entire foot, and nothing helps to make that pain go away. It doesn't matter if you keep the foot still, or if you move it around, cause the pain stays the same no matter what.
Now imagine that pain in both your feet, and both your arms, and you wake up to that pain. And on top of it all, whenever you wake up, it feels like you've been up most of the night, partying and running a marathon, cause you're just dead tired and completely exhausted. After a whole night of sleeping, you wake up in pain, completely exhausted, and have to get out of bed and face an entire day like that. If you can imagine that, you can imagine the days I usually have.
This past year, those days have grown more and more common for me, and now I don't have a couple of bad days between all the good ones. I have a couple of good days between all the bad ones. This is my life right now.
That is Fibromyalgia. And you know what? There's no cure. Once you get it, you have to live with it for the rest of your life. You can find a good treatment that works for you, often combining medicine with a kind of excersize that might help, which varies from person to person, and it can keep the pain somewhat at bay and give you a semi-normal life. But you're at the mercy of that treatment and dependant on it to keep up that life, cause if you ever stop then you'll go back to all those bad days again.
It's not like when you've got an injury, that you can treat for a while and it all gets better and you can stop the treatment. Fibromyalgia doesn't work that way. It doesn't go away after a while. You just find a way to chain it down, and then you spend the rest of your life maintaining those chains so it doesn't break free and attack you again.
Sounds dramatic, yeah? Well, it's not as dramatic as I'm making it out to be. I'm just trying to paint a very rough picture for you to understand. While my life ain't over in any way just because I've got a diagnose like this, my life will have to change quite drastically. And I am now working with myself to come to terms with this. Things'll get better, but I'll never be completely well again. Right now, that thought is kind of heavy, but I am going to learn to accept that, and work my way around it. I'll find a way for me to make my life a good one, despite everything.
I've got a lot on my mind now. Everything inside me is telling me that I need to rethink my life, and how I want to live it. So I'm gonna do that. Rethink my life. Don't know how long that'll take me, but I'll take the time I need. I'll figure something out.
This diagnose is a bit of a blow to the stomach. And now I'm gonna rethink everything and find a way to take advantage of that blow and twist and turn my life around and make it something different. Something better. If changes needs to be made, then I'll make sure that I'm the one in charge of those changes.
I believe in fate. I believe that there's a reason for everything.
And I'm gonna find the reason for this. Somehow.
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