Fight song

I started on a blog entry a long time ago, and was slowly working on it bit by bit, yet I never really managed to get it done. I've been meaning to finish it, but somehow I just couldn't muster up the energy to sit down and write. In the end, I just ended up deleting it all, cause everything I had written so far just felt so meaningless. I'm sure I had something important in mind when I first wrote it, but whatever that was... I can't remember it. It all gost lost in that giant vacuum that's left of my memory.

My memory problems just keep getting worse, and the depression isn't really helping matters. As espected of a depression, it's just making everything a lot worse than it needs to be. It's draining me of everything; my energy, my good mood and positive attitude, and my will to go on. At times, all I want to do is just give up. I'm tired of fighting...

But, don't get me wrong; life isn't bad. No, really, I guess I might have painted it that way in one of my previous entries, but I never meant to say that life is bad. Life is actually pretty darn amazing. I've got my own apartment - and I just got granted the loan I needed to finish the renovation of it - I have an amazing family, and amazing friends (seriously, guys, I love you more than you'll ever know), and I have all the things that I need. Sure, I'm sick, and can't really do much, but I spend a lot of time gaming and working on my own projects, and that's pretty much all I've ever dreamt of. Life is fucking great.

So, why am I depressed, then?

There's a lot of reasons for it, really. The main one being winter in northern Norway. It's what we call the "dark season" around here, because we don't get a lot of daylight. It's very common to get what we call a "winter depression" and I've always gotten it every winter. It's not something new, really, and it's perfectly reasonable - I don't get enough sunlight to recharge my batteries, and that gets me down. I've also had a lot of stress to deal with this past half year or so, and it has slowly broken me down. I don't deal well with stress - that's actually the main reason for why I was put on this special pension in the first place - and the amount of stress I've had has actually been beyond what I'm usually dealing with, so naturally it got to me. Thirdly, depression is very common for people with fibromyalgia, because having your own body break so horribly down on you doesn't exactly make you feel good. And because of the stress, I've had a lot of physical issues since my condition gets worse when I'm stressed, and so that has helped with making me feel down. And, lastly, I've yet to face that demon of mine. Because I keep running from that fight, every time it catches up to me, it throws me off a bit. It's just natural, really.

So, yeah, what I mean to say is that life isn't bad. When I say that I need a break from life, what I really mean is that I need a break from myself. I think. I mean, as I said, life itself is pretty darn great, but things inside me aren't tagging along on that ride of greatness. That's pretty much the issue here. What I really wish I could have was a vacation from everything. Just a couple of weeks, to go somewhere else, all on my own, and just forget about everything for a while. I need that. I need to get away and don't worry about anything but the battles going on in my own head. Because dealing with them, on top of trying to be a part of this world... It's just too much.

The summer we've been having so far have been absolutely horrible. We've barely had any sun at all, and most of the time it's just been grey and cold, and rainy. And that eats at me in so many ways. The bad weather is making the fibroshit worse, and the constant grey rain drags my mood down, and all in all I've been feeling like crap this entire summer. On top of it all, I managed to catch a cold from this lovely weather, so the past week have been a nightmare health-wise. Luckily, I was house-sitting with my brother as my parents were away on vacation, and having my brother there really helped make me feel better.

And now I'm back home again, and the first thing I did was just collapse and cry. I just cried and cried for such a long time, just sitting there, and all I wanted was to curl up in a ball and disappear from this world. I'm so tired...

I want to give up.

I want to stop fighting.

I just want to run away from it all.


But I won't.



Sometimes it's so hard, you know; remembering that I'm strong enough to keep on fighting. It's so easy to forget what I'm capable of. I keep forgetting that I've survived for so long - that I've fought my way through so many battles that should've broken me beyond repair - and that I'm still standing despite all that.

Luckily, I get reminded of it when I need it the most.

I still got a lot of fight left in me. I can keep going. I've got the support I need - I've got guardians; ones no one else can even imagine, and they're protecting me. They've got my back. And I've got my loved ones - my friends and my family - and I know that they'll always be there for me no matter what. Yeah, sure, these battles I'm fighting are battles no one else can take part of, cause they're all fought inside me, but just knowing that I am loved and that I have people supporting me is enough to remind me of the strength I have. And that strength can help me win.

I'll keep fighting. This might be my last big battle, and I intend to make it through it. It's all or nothing.

I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion