First off, an update to the previous entry and my application to change my name.
Got the answer now, and my application has been denied, and the reasoning behind it is understandable and acceptable. Here in Norway you're not allowed to change your name more than once every 10 years, and it's only been 6 years since I last had my namechange, which is why my application was denied. It's fair enough, and I don't see a reason to complain about that, and if I still feel that I want to change my name in 4 years, then I'll do so. If not, then this was just a good thing. For now, I'll just stick to the name I have, and just use my KeyJester name as a nickname.
Though I'm disappointed, of course, it's not the end of the world, so I'm fine, really. And who knows, maybe during these 4 years, I'll somehow discover something that'll make me feel more connected to the name I have now, and thus change my mind about changing the name. We'll just have to wait and see.
And with that outta the way, time for some more updates on things.
The apartment is slowly killing me, and in the process I'm going slightly insane. It's just SO. MUCH. that needs to be done, and most of it is just minor details that just takes a bit of time, and - UGH - it's so tiresome. I just want to be done with the whole thing so I can sit down and not worry about everything I have to do. I can't even relax anymore, cause I'm constantly stressing, mentally, and it's making me tense, which, in turn, drags a lot of pain with it. It's as if I'm slowly getting all of my lifeforce drained out of me. I swear, a part of me just wants to put the damned thing on fire and run away from it.
I've decided, though, that most of those minor things, like floorboards and stuff like that, will not be done now, and instead I'll save up money and get everything done next summer instead. This gives me slightly less to do now, so I might actually finish the apartment in time for Xmas this year. Got my fingers crossed for that, and right now I'm working on emptying that conservatory of mine and tidying up the place, which is taking forever. I'm so tiiiiiired. *pouts*
What I REALLY want to do is sit down and focus on my work, cause I've got a lot of ideas of things I can do to help my work move forward a bit, but I know that I need to finish the apartment before I can do that, or I'll just end up getting absolutely nothing done at all. It's frustrating, really, cause it gets me sort of down, not being able to work. It IS my big love in life, and the one thing I always enjoy doing - which is why I've been working on it for over 20 years - so I just want to forget about the world for a while and disappear into my work. Le sigh~
I'll be so happy when I'm done with things and can finally focus on my work again.
Today is one of those really tiresome days where I just want to crawl into a corner and die, cause I'm tired and drained, and my mood is iffy, and things in general is hard to deal with. I know it'll pass, but it's annoying when it's happening. It's probably the apartment causing it, cause so far it's been the cause of at least 75% of all of my bad days this past year. I'm just so damned sick of working on it and draining myself due to the stress and the worry.
I'm tempted to put on Hyrule Warriors and just play the rest of the day, but I promised myself that I was going to finish emptying the conservatory this week - especially since I've got some major plans this weekend - so I just don't have the time to sit down and play.
A magic wand would be nice right about now.
Le sigh.
I guess I'm also somewhat dreading the fight I have ahead of me. Most of the time, I have the thought of it pushed back into the back of my mind, and I don't really pay it much attention, but every now and then I feel the claw of feer grabbing hold of me. I know it's coming, and I know it's going to be rough as fuck, so naturally I'm scared. It's one of the reasons for why I just want to finish the damned apartment so I actually have more time to focus on preparing myself for this, and gathering strength from my companions. I have absolutely no idea how this fight's gonna go, and I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't worried about it. To be perfectly honest, I'm absolutely terrified.
Mindnumbingly, heartstopping terrified.
What if I lose? What'll happen then? Will she come back? Will I be put back into that cage and be locked away someplace where the world - nor my world - can reach me? Will I disappear again, while she takes over and takes control of my life, turning it into something twisted and sick before ending it alltogether?
Just thinking about it makes me cry.
I don't want to lose. I don't want to end up back there again. Fuck it, I'm willing to do just about ANYTHING to make sure that doesn't happen. And in the middle of all that fear, and the tears, I feel an anger burning in me. Anger towards her, towards everything that put her in control, and anger towards the very thought of losing this fight. I am not going to lose. Either way, I'm not going down without a fight, and I'll keep on fighting until my very last breath.
Don't live kneeling. If you're to die, you're gonna do so standing up.
torsdag 30. oktober 2014
onsdag 15. oktober 2014
What's in a name?
Is a name really all that personal? Is your name something personal? It's basically your label, when you tink about it, and what does your label say about you?
I am me.
I'm having a hard time figuring out how to properly put words to the thoughts I'm having, so I'm just going to jump headfirst into it and see where it leads me. I'm considering changing my name.
Yep, you read that correctly.
I made a facebook status about it earlier, stating that I already had changed it, mainly as a test to see what reactions I got to it, but I'm very seriously considering doing it for real. Especially since I got some really nice feedback from that status. I'm going to try to explain this to you in a way that'll make sense, but I can't guarantee that I'll succeed, cause describing your personal feelings is rarely an easy thing to do.
To me, being an individual that sticks out has become something very important, and in a way I can see why. Because of the things I've been through in my life, and because of how I've never been considered "good enough" as me, and how I have been forced to live behind a mask that wasn't me, just to fit in and be accepted, I suppose I have a stronger desire to make a point of who I am than most people. Now that I know who I am, and my masks have been disposed of, I put a lot of energy into showing the real me, to the point where I make some extreme choices.
Part of my hair is dyed turquoise. Now, these days, that's a pretty common colour (along with blue) around these parts, as it has become a popular colour among kids and teenagers where I live. And that's just fine; I love the colour, and I encourage people to dye their hair exactly however they want to. But to me, it's more than just dying your hair. To me, that specific colour means something extremely personal. And it's not just that it's my favourite colour, which is a good enough reason in itself, but also because it represents the actual personal image I have of myself in my head. It's a part of my identity - who I really am - so when I dye my hair I feel like I'm closer to being me. And thus, it becomes highly personal.
I have tattoos, which most of you know, and that's not really all that special. A lot of people have tattoos, and lots of them, and in a lot of places it's considered more common than not having tattoos. But my tattoos are extremely personal to me, and they're a part of who I am. I personally designed and drew the tattoos myself, and I did so based on things that are extremely dear and personal to me, because the tattoos are a part of my identity. They represent who I truly am, just like my hair colour.
I go for such things because they are personal, and because they help me show the world who I am, and as I've already stated; that's important to me. When you've been chained down and caged behind masks, never really being allowed to be you, you develop a really strong urge to fly up above everyone and really show them what you look like when the chains are finally gone. Which is what I'm currently dealing with.
We've already established that I'm going through a rather rough patch these days, dealing with a lot of difficult things in myself - a lot of it forcing me to face, and deal with, things for my past, and my head - and that I'm now heading towards a rather big anniversary. This is a big deal to me. I'm not sure I can even put into words exactly how big of a deal this is, but it's big. Really big.
And this brings me to my name.
Now, some of you may know that some years ago I had my surname legally changed. This was a highly personal choice, based on a lot of personal things, and to this day I don't regret it even a second. It was one of the best choices I have ever made, because it made my name personal. Up until before I had the change, my name was just a name. It wasn't me. It was just a name on a paper, and it held little to no meaning to me, and that felt wrong. I'm a person with a big personality (even though that personality was chained down at the time), and to me my name was something that should live up to that. It should be a name that represents me. And after the namechange, things inside me started changing as well, and I felt more at ease with myself. My name finally represented who I was.
Why am I then considering a namechange again?
Because my name still isn't done. My surname is changed, yes, and I am overly pleased with it and wouldn't trade it for the world, but the rest of the name still stands the same, and it feels really wrong. I look at my name, and it just doesn't feel like it's mine. It's incomplete, and impersonal. It's not me.
A lot of people know my first/given name, but what they don't know is that it's not my full first/given name. I actually have a double name, but the second part of it is something I've always listed as my middle name, because that feels more right to me, so few people know that it's my actual name. Actually, I talked to my mum about it, and she was surprised when I told her that my so-called middle name is listed in the official papers as a part of my first/given name. Well then. Even my mum - the one who named me - doesn't use that full name of mine, nor considers it as my full name. That in itself says a lot, and adding in my personal feelings in the matter, it should say more than just a lot.
A while back I changed my facebook name, erasing that second part of my first/given name and only using the first part as my name, and I added in my longtime nickname - KeyJester - as my middlename. It was a spur of the moment kind of thing, because I use that nickname on every site I'm registered to, and adding new friends on facebook from those sites will be less confusing for them when they see my nickname. But the more I look at it, the more I ask myself why that isn't an actual official part of my name.
Of all the nicknames I've gathered over the years - and trust me; I've got a lot of them - none has ever been as personal and dear to me as my KeyJester name. Everyone knows I'm obsessed with keys, and that I collect them, and it's also a known fact that I have a fetish for jesters of various kinds, and so I've always considered myself to be the Jester of Keys - the KeyJester. It's pretty much as personal as you can get, on every level, which is why I use that name online, and why that is still my m@il name even after all these years. I will forever and always be KeyJester, and nothing can ever change that. It's a part of who I really am - a part of my identity.
I want to make it my official middle name. It may sound silly, but to me it's a highly personal choice. My first/given name will remain the name my mother gave me, and calls me by, because that name will forever be something dear to me, and a part of who I am, seen through my mother's eyes. My surname will remain as the name I made all those years ago, that I feel represent the family I am in myself, and want to, one day, establish. And I want to use KeyJester as my middle name, because it'll represent who I truly am, in the deepest core of my being, and that, to me, means more than you could ever understand.
I am me. And I need everyone around me to see that. I need to make a point of it, and keep making that point, because I don't ever want to forget and get lost behind that mask that chains me down ever again. I'd rather die than go back there. I'd rather lose everything I care about than go back there.
So, with that established, I'm gonna wipe away these bloody tears that suddenly decided to pop out - gad, emotional much? - and get right down to my point.
I've thought about changing my name for a long time now, but I haven't reached an official decision yet, because I've been thinking about my family and what they'd think about it. What if they didn't like it? But, you know, why should I hold myself back for the sake of others? Yes, I love my family, and I respect their opinions, but they can never truly understand how personal this is to me, and how important such a simple thing as a name can be to a person. To me, a name is not just a name. It's supposed to be a part of my identity, a part of who I really am, and for me to truly stand there and proudly state that my name is me, then I need to change it.
This is not a spur of the moment thing, as I've put a lot of thought and emotions into this - just like I did when I had my surname changed - and I truly feel like it will help me get through the things I'm going through right now, and help me stand tall when I am out of it.
I am me. I am KeyJester. And that should be explanation enough.
I am me.
I'm having a hard time figuring out how to properly put words to the thoughts I'm having, so I'm just going to jump headfirst into it and see where it leads me. I'm considering changing my name.
Yep, you read that correctly.
I made a facebook status about it earlier, stating that I already had changed it, mainly as a test to see what reactions I got to it, but I'm very seriously considering doing it for real. Especially since I got some really nice feedback from that status. I'm going to try to explain this to you in a way that'll make sense, but I can't guarantee that I'll succeed, cause describing your personal feelings is rarely an easy thing to do.
To me, being an individual that sticks out has become something very important, and in a way I can see why. Because of the things I've been through in my life, and because of how I've never been considered "good enough" as me, and how I have been forced to live behind a mask that wasn't me, just to fit in and be accepted, I suppose I have a stronger desire to make a point of who I am than most people. Now that I know who I am, and my masks have been disposed of, I put a lot of energy into showing the real me, to the point where I make some extreme choices.
Part of my hair is dyed turquoise. Now, these days, that's a pretty common colour (along with blue) around these parts, as it has become a popular colour among kids and teenagers where I live. And that's just fine; I love the colour, and I encourage people to dye their hair exactly however they want to. But to me, it's more than just dying your hair. To me, that specific colour means something extremely personal. And it's not just that it's my favourite colour, which is a good enough reason in itself, but also because it represents the actual personal image I have of myself in my head. It's a part of my identity - who I really am - so when I dye my hair I feel like I'm closer to being me. And thus, it becomes highly personal.
I have tattoos, which most of you know, and that's not really all that special. A lot of people have tattoos, and lots of them, and in a lot of places it's considered more common than not having tattoos. But my tattoos are extremely personal to me, and they're a part of who I am. I personally designed and drew the tattoos myself, and I did so based on things that are extremely dear and personal to me, because the tattoos are a part of my identity. They represent who I truly am, just like my hair colour.
I go for such things because they are personal, and because they help me show the world who I am, and as I've already stated; that's important to me. When you've been chained down and caged behind masks, never really being allowed to be you, you develop a really strong urge to fly up above everyone and really show them what you look like when the chains are finally gone. Which is what I'm currently dealing with.
We've already established that I'm going through a rather rough patch these days, dealing with a lot of difficult things in myself - a lot of it forcing me to face, and deal with, things for my past, and my head - and that I'm now heading towards a rather big anniversary. This is a big deal to me. I'm not sure I can even put into words exactly how big of a deal this is, but it's big. Really big.
And this brings me to my name.
Now, some of you may know that some years ago I had my surname legally changed. This was a highly personal choice, based on a lot of personal things, and to this day I don't regret it even a second. It was one of the best choices I have ever made, because it made my name personal. Up until before I had the change, my name was just a name. It wasn't me. It was just a name on a paper, and it held little to no meaning to me, and that felt wrong. I'm a person with a big personality (even though that personality was chained down at the time), and to me my name was something that should live up to that. It should be a name that represents me. And after the namechange, things inside me started changing as well, and I felt more at ease with myself. My name finally represented who I was.
Why am I then considering a namechange again?
Because my name still isn't done. My surname is changed, yes, and I am overly pleased with it and wouldn't trade it for the world, but the rest of the name still stands the same, and it feels really wrong. I look at my name, and it just doesn't feel like it's mine. It's incomplete, and impersonal. It's not me.
A lot of people know my first/given name, but what they don't know is that it's not my full first/given name. I actually have a double name, but the second part of it is something I've always listed as my middle name, because that feels more right to me, so few people know that it's my actual name. Actually, I talked to my mum about it, and she was surprised when I told her that my so-called middle name is listed in the official papers as a part of my first/given name. Well then. Even my mum - the one who named me - doesn't use that full name of mine, nor considers it as my full name. That in itself says a lot, and adding in my personal feelings in the matter, it should say more than just a lot.
A while back I changed my facebook name, erasing that second part of my first/given name and only using the first part as my name, and I added in my longtime nickname - KeyJester - as my middlename. It was a spur of the moment kind of thing, because I use that nickname on every site I'm registered to, and adding new friends on facebook from those sites will be less confusing for them when they see my nickname. But the more I look at it, the more I ask myself why that isn't an actual official part of my name.
Of all the nicknames I've gathered over the years - and trust me; I've got a lot of them - none has ever been as personal and dear to me as my KeyJester name. Everyone knows I'm obsessed with keys, and that I collect them, and it's also a known fact that I have a fetish for jesters of various kinds, and so I've always considered myself to be the Jester of Keys - the KeyJester. It's pretty much as personal as you can get, on every level, which is why I use that name online, and why that is still my m@il name even after all these years. I will forever and always be KeyJester, and nothing can ever change that. It's a part of who I really am - a part of my identity.
I want to make it my official middle name. It may sound silly, but to me it's a highly personal choice. My first/given name will remain the name my mother gave me, and calls me by, because that name will forever be something dear to me, and a part of who I am, seen through my mother's eyes. My surname will remain as the name I made all those years ago, that I feel represent the family I am in myself, and want to, one day, establish. And I want to use KeyJester as my middle name, because it'll represent who I truly am, in the deepest core of my being, and that, to me, means more than you could ever understand.
I am me. And I need everyone around me to see that. I need to make a point of it, and keep making that point, because I don't ever want to forget and get lost behind that mask that chains me down ever again. I'd rather die than go back there. I'd rather lose everything I care about than go back there.
So, with that established, I'm gonna wipe away these bloody tears that suddenly decided to pop out - gad, emotional much? - and get right down to my point.
I've thought about changing my name for a long time now, but I haven't reached an official decision yet, because I've been thinking about my family and what they'd think about it. What if they didn't like it? But, you know, why should I hold myself back for the sake of others? Yes, I love my family, and I respect their opinions, but they can never truly understand how personal this is to me, and how important such a simple thing as a name can be to a person. To me, a name is not just a name. It's supposed to be a part of my identity, a part of who I really am, and for me to truly stand there and proudly state that my name is me, then I need to change it.
This is not a spur of the moment thing, as I've put a lot of thought and emotions into this - just like I did when I had my surname changed - and I truly feel like it will help me get through the things I'm going through right now, and help me stand tall when I am out of it.
I am me. I am KeyJester. And that should be explanation enough.
mandag 6. oktober 2014
Ride the rollercoaster - finding the puzzle, and the boss fight
Last week was a rollercoaster week through an ocean of various emotions, and today I'm just in a weird state of not really sure who I am. It's all really odd.
It started last weekend, where I, at some point, suddenly ended up reading through older blog entries in various other blogs I've had, which was both highly emotional as well as extremely surealistic. Reading anything that's been written before 2012 is like reading something that has been written by a complete stranger. Who is that person, and what the hell is wrong with her? Needless to say, it left me in a rather strange mood.
Monday was crap. No, actually, it was worse than crap. It was downright horrible, for so many reasons, and I can't even remember the last time I felt that bad. It was probably because I had brought up some old issues when I read through those blogs that weekend - it's the only explanation I can think of - but whatever was causing the bad day was just... Crap. Nuff said.
Tuesday was mindnumbingly shocking and awesome. I had just gotten out of bed, and was litterally standing in the middle of my bedroom with my phone in hand, about to head off to turn my computer on and make coffee when the phone rang. I was confuzzled. And slightly worried, since it was my grandpa calling and it was pretty early in the morning. Had something happened? So I answer the phone, and he asks me if I'm awake, and when I confirm that I more or less am, he says that he sees I've been having problems with my computer screen. Yes, I tell him, my screen broke a while ago, so I had the computer hooked up to my TV at the moment. Well, he and grandma had decided that they wanted to buy me a brand new screen.
Uhm, watt? I went into shock, and could just repeat myself, wondering what the hell. Uhm, watt? After some explaining he hung up, and I sat down with my coffee, just staring at the wall. Uhm, watt? And then he calls again, telling me to be ready in an hour, cause he'll come pick me up and we'll go buy me a screen. Uhm, watt? I swear, my brain broke. But an hour later, he came and picked me up, and I got myself a brand new awesome gaming screen! I was in utter awe, and I can't even begin to describe how amazingly grateful I am for having such fantastic grandparents! They are simply the best.
Later, my brother came to help me put together the last cabinet for my new wardrobe, and then mum and dad decided they were lazy and wanted to buy burgers for dinner, so they called and asked if we wanted some as well. Aw, hellz yes! I love burgers! So they brought us some burgers, and then me and my brother played Hyrule Warriors the rest of the evening. Best! Day! Ever!
Wednesday became another crap day, and to top it off it decided to bring some aches back with it. I could hardly walk at all, so I decided to sit down and do paperwork. And I started sorting through all those papers and notes and whatnot I've gathered over the years, which was mindnumbing and tiresome. 20 years of paperwork is a nightmare to go through, so I was aching all over and just generally exhausted when the evening came. Not much else to say about that day.
Thursday became a somewhat interesting day, cause I continued the paperwork and I got to go through old character notes and stuff, and I decided to start making an alphabetical list of every single companion I've discovered over the years. The total number I ended up on? 460. That number had me sitting in silence for a long while, just wondering what the eff. And then everything decided to blow a bit up in my face and take me on a trip down memory lane. Ho gosh. There were a lot of thoughts that day - thoughts I'm not gonna repeat here - and eventually I just had to put everything away and drown my head with more Hyrule Warriors.
Friday I woke up dead tired cause my cat decided to be a nightmare that night and wake me up, so I was totally zombiefied and in a weird mood. A weird mood that somehow ended up making me feel the urge to be social, and after some whirlwind through various appointments, I ended up in a really amazingly great mood that made the rest of the day pretty awesome. It was a strange day, really.
Saturday was town day with mum, and then I headed off to a party at a friend of mine's that I haven't been to in ages because of my health and things generally not going my way whenever he's having a party. And it became one of the better parties I've been to in a while, so I had a really amazing time, in great company, and my mood was totally awesome the entire evening/night.
Sunday morning I woke up with a great-looking nekkid lady in my bed, and we spent hours just lying in bed, talking about all kinds of weird shit while nursing our hangovers, before I went to have dinner with my family. The day was an amazing day in so many ways, despite being hung over, so my mood just continued being awesome.
Rollercoaster week. Yep.
Today I slept longer than I've done in ages, and it was noon before I finally managed to drag my ass out of bed and get some coffee. I think I was tired after the week I've had - and lacking in sleep due to the awesome partyweekend, lol - so I needed some extra hours to relax, I suppose. Not really sure what to do with my day, but I'm guessing it'll be paperwork, paperwork, some more paperwork, and then some Hyrule Warriors.
That, and thinking.
I had one of those moments I rarely talk about sometime last week, and it left me with a lot of thoughts. At some point, I suddenly fell apart, and the world disappeared on me. I just sat there on the floor, holding on to myself for my dear life, while everything came crashing in on me, and all my fears decided to put their claws around me as I slowly drowned in a dark ocean hopelessness. I felt so lost, so scared - horrified, really - and I couldn't even breathe, let alone cry. I was alone, and I was slowly fading away - dying. I couldn't feel the floor beneath me, couldn't see the walls around me, nor hear the music that was playing on my computer. I was gone.
And then I felt a light touch of someone's hands on each of my arms. It was so light that it was barely noticable, but it was enough to wake me. He had his arms around me and that darkness and the ocean suddenly disappeared, and I was no longer in my own bedroom. I was in another world - my world - and there they all were. My family and friends, my companions, and I was home. I was safe. They were there for me, promising me that they'd never let me fight alone, and telling me to stand up and keep going. I'd be fine. Things would be rough for a while, cause I was in for a bit of a rocky ride, but they'd be with me every step of the way and make sure that I'd make it through it all. And I could still feel his arms holding on top me, promising that he'd be there as well. That silent protector of mine that keeps popping into my dreams. He will never leave me to fight on my own.
And then it was all over.
It felt like I had just lived through an eternity, but apparently it had all just happened in a couple of minutes, and it left me sitting on the floor, just staring in front of me, not really knowing what to think or feel.
Yes, I'm afraid. I'm afraid of falling back into the dark places I've been to before. I'm afraid I'll lose hold of the person that I've found myself to be, and get caught by that old mask. I'm afraid she'll come back - even though I know I killed her - and that she'll chain me down again and take control of me and have me be someone I'm not. But I know now that I can fight that fear, and I can do so with the help of my companions, and my world. It is my medium, like I am the medium of it, and together we'll get through it. It'll help me fight those fears - fight her. Even if she, despite being dead and gone, shows up again, and tries to get hold of me - that horrid creature that used to be me, be my mask - I'll be able to fight her off, cause I won't be fighting alone.
I'm realizing that I started something back when she died. I've mentioned it before, about her, my mask, and how I killed her back in November 2011, and then I finally woke up as myself in January 2012, and I could start exploring myself and learn about who I really am. I started on a quest of sorts, to put together the puzzle I found inside me, and I'm not entirely done. I thought I was done after about a year, but I'm not. That's why I'm having all these problems now. I'm still working, and I just hadn't realized it. I'm moving towards the anniversary of her death - it'll be 3 years now in November - and because of that I need to work through the issues she caused, and put everything in place. It's hard, and it'll be rough, but it's necessary to finish the quest. And in January, I'll be 3 years old, as well as 30 years old. Physically, I've been alive for almost 30 years, but mentally I've been asleep most of that time, and nearly 3 years ago I finally woke up.
January will see the end of the puzzle I've been putting together these past three years, and because of that my work on it has intensified significally lately, causing me and my head quite a lot of trouble.
Realizing that made all the difference.
I'm facing something - something big - and it's something I can't bring other people into, and so I have to push them aside for a while. But I won't be facing it alone after all, cause I've got my world, my companions, and my protector by my side, and together we'll face this and defeat it.
I'm moving towards the Boss fight of this dungeon.
Wish me luck.
It started last weekend, where I, at some point, suddenly ended up reading through older blog entries in various other blogs I've had, which was both highly emotional as well as extremely surealistic. Reading anything that's been written before 2012 is like reading something that has been written by a complete stranger. Who is that person, and what the hell is wrong with her? Needless to say, it left me in a rather strange mood.
Monday was crap. No, actually, it was worse than crap. It was downright horrible, for so many reasons, and I can't even remember the last time I felt that bad. It was probably because I had brought up some old issues when I read through those blogs that weekend - it's the only explanation I can think of - but whatever was causing the bad day was just... Crap. Nuff said.
Tuesday was mindnumbingly shocking and awesome. I had just gotten out of bed, and was litterally standing in the middle of my bedroom with my phone in hand, about to head off to turn my computer on and make coffee when the phone rang. I was confuzzled. And slightly worried, since it was my grandpa calling and it was pretty early in the morning. Had something happened? So I answer the phone, and he asks me if I'm awake, and when I confirm that I more or less am, he says that he sees I've been having problems with my computer screen. Yes, I tell him, my screen broke a while ago, so I had the computer hooked up to my TV at the moment. Well, he and grandma had decided that they wanted to buy me a brand new screen.
Uhm, watt? I went into shock, and could just repeat myself, wondering what the hell. Uhm, watt? After some explaining he hung up, and I sat down with my coffee, just staring at the wall. Uhm, watt? And then he calls again, telling me to be ready in an hour, cause he'll come pick me up and we'll go buy me a screen. Uhm, watt? I swear, my brain broke. But an hour later, he came and picked me up, and I got myself a brand new awesome gaming screen! I was in utter awe, and I can't even begin to describe how amazingly grateful I am for having such fantastic grandparents! They are simply the best.
Later, my brother came to help me put together the last cabinet for my new wardrobe, and then mum and dad decided they were lazy and wanted to buy burgers for dinner, so they called and asked if we wanted some as well. Aw, hellz yes! I love burgers! So they brought us some burgers, and then me and my brother played Hyrule Warriors the rest of the evening. Best! Day! Ever!
Wednesday became another crap day, and to top it off it decided to bring some aches back with it. I could hardly walk at all, so I decided to sit down and do paperwork. And I started sorting through all those papers and notes and whatnot I've gathered over the years, which was mindnumbing and tiresome. 20 years of paperwork is a nightmare to go through, so I was aching all over and just generally exhausted when the evening came. Not much else to say about that day.
Thursday became a somewhat interesting day, cause I continued the paperwork and I got to go through old character notes and stuff, and I decided to start making an alphabetical list of every single companion I've discovered over the years. The total number I ended up on? 460. That number had me sitting in silence for a long while, just wondering what the eff. And then everything decided to blow a bit up in my face and take me on a trip down memory lane. Ho gosh. There were a lot of thoughts that day - thoughts I'm not gonna repeat here - and eventually I just had to put everything away and drown my head with more Hyrule Warriors.
Friday I woke up dead tired cause my cat decided to be a nightmare that night and wake me up, so I was totally zombiefied and in a weird mood. A weird mood that somehow ended up making me feel the urge to be social, and after some whirlwind through various appointments, I ended up in a really amazingly great mood that made the rest of the day pretty awesome. It was a strange day, really.
Saturday was town day with mum, and then I headed off to a party at a friend of mine's that I haven't been to in ages because of my health and things generally not going my way whenever he's having a party. And it became one of the better parties I've been to in a while, so I had a really amazing time, in great company, and my mood was totally awesome the entire evening/night.
Sunday morning I woke up with a great-looking nekkid lady in my bed, and we spent hours just lying in bed, talking about all kinds of weird shit while nursing our hangovers, before I went to have dinner with my family. The day was an amazing day in so many ways, despite being hung over, so my mood just continued being awesome.
Rollercoaster week. Yep.
Today I slept longer than I've done in ages, and it was noon before I finally managed to drag my ass out of bed and get some coffee. I think I was tired after the week I've had - and lacking in sleep due to the awesome partyweekend, lol - so I needed some extra hours to relax, I suppose. Not really sure what to do with my day, but I'm guessing it'll be paperwork, paperwork, some more paperwork, and then some Hyrule Warriors.
That, and thinking.
I had one of those moments I rarely talk about sometime last week, and it left me with a lot of thoughts. At some point, I suddenly fell apart, and the world disappeared on me. I just sat there on the floor, holding on to myself for my dear life, while everything came crashing in on me, and all my fears decided to put their claws around me as I slowly drowned in a dark ocean hopelessness. I felt so lost, so scared - horrified, really - and I couldn't even breathe, let alone cry. I was alone, and I was slowly fading away - dying. I couldn't feel the floor beneath me, couldn't see the walls around me, nor hear the music that was playing on my computer. I was gone.
And then I felt a light touch of someone's hands on each of my arms. It was so light that it was barely noticable, but it was enough to wake me. He had his arms around me and that darkness and the ocean suddenly disappeared, and I was no longer in my own bedroom. I was in another world - my world - and there they all were. My family and friends, my companions, and I was home. I was safe. They were there for me, promising me that they'd never let me fight alone, and telling me to stand up and keep going. I'd be fine. Things would be rough for a while, cause I was in for a bit of a rocky ride, but they'd be with me every step of the way and make sure that I'd make it through it all. And I could still feel his arms holding on top me, promising that he'd be there as well. That silent protector of mine that keeps popping into my dreams. He will never leave me to fight on my own.
And then it was all over.
It felt like I had just lived through an eternity, but apparently it had all just happened in a couple of minutes, and it left me sitting on the floor, just staring in front of me, not really knowing what to think or feel.
Yes, I'm afraid. I'm afraid of falling back into the dark places I've been to before. I'm afraid I'll lose hold of the person that I've found myself to be, and get caught by that old mask. I'm afraid she'll come back - even though I know I killed her - and that she'll chain me down again and take control of me and have me be someone I'm not. But I know now that I can fight that fear, and I can do so with the help of my companions, and my world. It is my medium, like I am the medium of it, and together we'll get through it. It'll help me fight those fears - fight her. Even if she, despite being dead and gone, shows up again, and tries to get hold of me - that horrid creature that used to be me, be my mask - I'll be able to fight her off, cause I won't be fighting alone.
I'm realizing that I started something back when she died. I've mentioned it before, about her, my mask, and how I killed her back in November 2011, and then I finally woke up as myself in January 2012, and I could start exploring myself and learn about who I really am. I started on a quest of sorts, to put together the puzzle I found inside me, and I'm not entirely done. I thought I was done after about a year, but I'm not. That's why I'm having all these problems now. I'm still working, and I just hadn't realized it. I'm moving towards the anniversary of her death - it'll be 3 years now in November - and because of that I need to work through the issues she caused, and put everything in place. It's hard, and it'll be rough, but it's necessary to finish the quest. And in January, I'll be 3 years old, as well as 30 years old. Physically, I've been alive for almost 30 years, but mentally I've been asleep most of that time, and nearly 3 years ago I finally woke up.
January will see the end of the puzzle I've been putting together these past three years, and because of that my work on it has intensified significally lately, causing me and my head quite a lot of trouble.
Realizing that made all the difference.
I'm facing something - something big - and it's something I can't bring other people into, and so I have to push them aside for a while. But I won't be facing it alone after all, cause I've got my world, my companions, and my protector by my side, and together we'll face this and defeat it.
I'm moving towards the Boss fight of this dungeon.
Wish me luck.
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