This is just a heads up - no need to panic

I'm depressed.

So, that was a fun realization I had this morning. But it makes sense, now that I think about it. The constant lack of energy and will to do anything, shutting myself in and not wanting people around me, feeling drained and hollow, random crying fits that can last for hours, the need to drown myself in my work, obsessing obsessively over one specific character, hours of just staring at the wall, wanting to sleep all the time and not managing to get out of bed in the morning, and struggling to talk to people - irl and online. These are all things I've struggled with back when I was seriously depressed, and these are all things that are back now. So, okay, I'm depressed again.

It's weird, cause the medication I am on for my fibromyalgia is supposed to be anti-depressants as well. Although, in the past, anti-depressants never worked on me, so I shouldn't be too surprised. I guess the biggest issue here is that I was naive enough to think that once I got over my depression, I'd never get it back again. But yeah, lesson now learned.

I'm not too freaked about it, though. Actually, the moment I admitted to myself that I'm depressed - which was, literally, just this morning - I suddenly felt a whole lot better. It explains things, which is always better than just flailing about and trying to figure out why things are bad and not really understanding anything. So, yeah, I'm not worried about it or anything. I've gotten out of a depression before, and I'll do so again. And now that I know that that's what's going on, it'll be a whole lot easier working my way out of it. It'll take time, and it won't be easy, but that's okay. I'm prepared for that.

Aside from this entry (and probably talking to some of my closest friends and family to inform them on what's going on), I don't really feel the need to make a huge deal out of this, and tell everyone around me, and go see a doctor about it, cause I really don't want any of those things. I just want people to know that, okay, I've fallen into a depression again, so that they won't freak out on me if I withdraw from them. It's nothing personal, honestly. I know I haven't exactly been the most outgoing and social person of late due to my physical health, and now I'll be even less outgoing and social, but it's purely because of my health and for no other reason. I just don't have the capacity for anything anymore - I barely have enough capacity to drag this corpse of a body out of bed in the morning - so I need more time to myself. I don't know how long it'll take me to work things out. A couple of weeks, a couple of months, a couple of years - it's hard to say.

And no, I don't want a gazillion advice on how to tackle my depression - trust me; I know what I'm dealing with. I've lived with a depression for years, so I've got a pretty high level on the "handle depression" skill. I was, what, 26-27 when I finally got out of the one I had struggled with since early teenage years - quite possibly longer. That is a lot of years of experience of how to - and how NOT to - handle depressions. I think I can manage. Besides, what works for others might not necessarily work for me. I've come to realize that I'm not wired like most people, so I have to do things a bit differently, and that's okay.

And I definitely don't want peope telling me that "you just have to" or "if you just" or "don't be so negative" cause if you do that then I will punch you. No, in all seriousness, I will punch you. You don't just shake off a depression, nor will it help to do whatever else you think might do well because it sounds good in your head. If you're planning on "helping" then I can tell you right away to just bugger the fuck off. And I mean that in the most polite way possible. All I need is a hug every now and then, and, if I say I need to talk, for you to just sit there and listen to me rant so I can get things out of my system. Really, that's all I need. Oh, and chocolate. Chocolate tends to work well - as does all kinds of candy, really, and wine. I'll take that as well. Other than that; I'm all good. Don't worry about me, don't freak out, and don't panic about what to say or what not to say. I'm good. I'm over here, dealing with shit on my own, so you just worry about yourself. Okay? Okay.

Yeah, so, the point of this whole entry is to just give a heads up. I'm depressed. So, my already lacking capacity is even worse, and I can't do much. So, please don't expect much. That's about it, really. If I do need anything - from anyone - I will let you know. And if you don't listen, I'll nibble on you until I have the attention I need.

Are we good?
We're good.

Good.

Building rooms

We build rooms. It's what we do - our entire life. It's all about building that one, perfect home, and we keep on building on it for as long as we're alive, and we don't finish that last room until the day we die. And so we keep building rooms. Every phase we go through in life gets a room of its own, and we work on it, putting all of our effort into designing and building it, sometimes nearly driving us to death from exhaustion, and when we finish we move on to the next one without any rest. Sometimes we even start building the next room before we've finished the one we're currently working on, thus leaving it incomplete - and a reminder of things we wish we had done; or didn't do. Some rooms are horrible in every way, and we never even go back to that room because it's just so bad and we want to put it behind us, while other rooms are so fantastic that we take a peek inside it whenever we can. It all depends on our life and what happens in it.

Our life is a house under constant construction.

And then, some of us come across that room. There's no word to describe the room, no way to explain it. It's just that room. You have no idea what that means, unless you've got one of those rooms yourself. Then you know; and you understand. That room is the one room you never step a foot inside after finally being able to leave it. Sometimes you walk passed it, and you take a look inside through a window, or, if you're brave/stupid/unlucky enough, you stick your head in the door and take a look at it. But that's all you do, because you know, deep inside the marrow of your bone, that you never, ever want to take another step inside that room ever again. Of course, there are those that do walk back in there - and then they never leave, cause that room ends up being the last room they ever work on.

If you have that room, you know. You know that even though you've put it behind you and moved on, you still feel its presence. Even if you don't even aknowledge it's existence, you can still feel it. Because when you leave that room, your shadow stays behind. And it can never leave - unless you tear down your entire house and build a new one, which, you know, is almost impossible. Almost. But yeah, your shadow stays behind there, and your shadow is forever chained to you. Even if it's not there and you can't see it, you still have a shadow. Always. Everything has a shadow. So even if your shadow is no longer with you, because that room claimed it, you can still feel that link to your shadow. And, thus, you feel that room. That room.

Unless you have a room like it, you won't understand. It's just... That room.


There's been a lot of thoughts lately, as I'm sure you can gather by my ramblings so far. It's all because of Ahsk, really, and that note he left me. Okay, now, first of all, I can never, truly ever explain what it's like to live with a multiple personality disorder. I mean, seriously, it's just one of those things that can't be explained. But it's weird. Sometimes it's downright scary as fuck, and sometimes it's kind of nice. Having someone else that takes control, says and does things you never would - it's a bit of a double-edged sword. In the past, I got these blackouts, so I couldn't remember anything they had done. I just woke up with gaps in my memory. I still get gaps, but for the most part I remember things now. Not all of it, of course, and I suspect I never will, but some of it. I'm not sure which one I prefer to be honest - remembering, or not remembering.

But, putting aside the weirdness of having other people living inside your head, the extra weird would be Ahsk. Now, he's been with me since early teenage years - possibly even longer - and in many ways you could consider him the biggest personality in there. He's been with me the longest, though it wasn't until about 5 years ago that I properly aknowledged his presence and he gained a name and a face (I put names and faces on my other selves, cause that's just how we roll). He's done a lot to influence my life - he is the main reason for why I had very seriously bad identity issues as a teenager, to the point where I was determined to get a gender change operation, cause that's how confused he made me. He does a lot of bad stuff, cause he's impulsive and he acts without thinking of the consequences it might have. But he also patches up things I didn't even know needed patching, and he has saved my life on numerous occasions. He'll always be special to me.

And, that last time he escaped, and brought chaos into my life some weeks ago, he wrote a long message that he left behind for me, and it sort of knocked me out a bit. And ever since reading it, I couldn't even check my own blog, cause I just couldn't go back and read it again. Cause, yeah, being the asshole that he is, he left the message as a saved - but unpublished - blog entry, so whenever I go to write a new one, that one pops up. And, well, now I decided to read it again, and actually absorb the words. And, of course, share them with you.

So, here it is:

"Anett.

You're living in an illusion, and you need to wake up. Life isn't going to get easier. It's not going to get to a point where everything's gonna be totally fine, and you stop having rough periods, and you live happily ever after. You're never gonna stop wanting to run away from it all, cause it's too tough for you. That's just not how life works. That's not how anything works, and as a gamer, you should know better. You fight hard battles, you level up, and then you move on to even harder battles, and tougher enemies, and you keep going like that. Sure, you have some periods where things are calm, and everything seem like a breeze, because you're doing smaller sidequests in a low level area, just taking it easy and enjoying the game, but then you move you. You move on to tougher areas, and you face fiends and quests that require a you that is higher in level, and you keep on fighting so you can level up and beat them all. It's a constant battle, from the beginning until the end.

But that doesn't mean it's not worth it. Every time you get through another fight, there's experience to be had, and spoils to enjoy. There are rewards everywhere, if you only learn to look for them. Yeah, life is hard, just like games, and sadly there's no way of changing the difficulty or altering the settings, but man, it's also pretty damn awesome. You meet new players as you proceed, you take on new quests that leads you to new places, and you get to learn new things, and you keep on evolving and leveling up as you keep going. You'll never stop learning and leveling, for as long as you're alive. The game never ends, and it'll never stop throwing surprises your way. Good ones and bad ones, and every single one of them comes with valuable experience that'll help you grow.

It's hard, but it's worth it. So stop hoping for some magical solution, and stop thinking that there's an end to things. Cause that end isn't what you think, and when it eventually comes your way, and you face that final boss that ends your game, you're going to be old and rich with experience, and you'll see that every single second of your life was precious. That you're precious.

Cause you are, you know.

You keep thinking that you're not good enough, no matter what you do, and that's pretty damn stupid of you. You're always good enough. You're always important. You're always valuable. And you're always loved and appreciated.

Stop worrying so much. Stop being too careful, and afraid to speak your mind. Your mind is fucking brilliant - I should know; I live in it - and anyone whom doesn't like it ain't worth your time. Your friends and family, your loved ones, they all love you for who you are, and what you are. They love all of you - all of us - even when they don't understand. How is it the saying goes..? "Those that mind, don't matter. And those that matter, don't mind." Right?

You don't need to label yourself. You don't need to fit into some box. And you certainly don't need to apologize for being the unique creature that you are - that we are.

We're all in this together. You, me, and the rest of the crazies in our head. We're many, and yet we're one, and we're stronger than anyone could ever imagine. Yeah, I get how it's easier for you to escape into your own mind to cope with things, and, you know, there's nothing wrong with it. You don't need to do so, cause you're pretty damn strong, and you can deal with far more shit than you're aware of, but it's okay that you do it. We don't mind. It's how we came to be in the first place, you know? And we're all a part of you - a part you don't have to deny, nor hide. It's what makes you you.

And stop thinking that you're better off living on your own, cause you're not. It's easier. It's easier cause that means you don't have to rearrange things to fit someone else in your space of existence. It's easier cause you don't have to "share" the control of how things go in your life. It's easier cause you don't have to let someone else tell you how your home should be like. It's easier cause you don't have to open up and let someone else in. It's easier cause you won't need to learn to trust someone else. It's easier cause you don't have to worry about being accepted for who you are. It's easier cause you won't risk getting hurt because you've given your heart to someone else.

It's just that. It's easier. And that doesn't mean that it's better.

When you're ready - and I'm sure you will be, sooner than you think - there is someone out there for you, and you'll find a happiness you never imagined could be real. And that's a happiness you deserve, despite what you might believe.

You deserve to be happy.

We all do.

So keep on walking onwards, cause what's up ahead is pretty damn amazing.

I promise.

-Ahsk"

It was a lot to take in, when I first read it - and it still kinda is. But, I think I'm starting to understand. I've been tired a lot these past months. I can't sleep properly, my time schedule is off, and I just don't have the energy for anything at all. I've stopped leaving the apartment, barely even talking to people online, and just drowning myself in my work (and the RP I'm doing with that friend of mine). I keep telling people that I'm just tired and need some time, but the truth is that I've got a lot to absorb. A lot to think about. And the main thing being that room. Cause it's the room that is causing all of those rough periods of mine.

I think that's what Ahsk was trying to teach me. He was telling me that the room exists, and that's just the way things are. I need to stop thinking that the room will go away, cause it won't. And that's not necessarily a bad thing. It all depends on me, my attitude towards that room, and the way I choose to handle it. That's all there is, really.

So, yeah. That's what's going on with me. I'm handling that room. Or, rather, I'm trying to accept its existence and learn to function despite it having my shadow. Cause I can, you know. We all can. It's all about finding the strength we need, and I'm sure I'll be able to. It might take a while, but I'll manage. I'm sure of it.

And even if I can't manage - I still got several other selves that can pick up the hammer when I drop it, and keep on building. We're never letting this house fall apart.