Slippery mind (when wet?)

It feels like it's been forever since I last wrote something in here, even though that's not entirely true, and I was starting to feel bad. I don't know why, but when I haven't written anything in here for a while, I just feel bad. I'm guess I'm just weird like that.

What can I say about how things are? Well, things are good. My life is certainly on the right track now, and I'm enjoying it immensely. I had the best birthday celebration ever, and the weekend after I had an even bigger party. I drank for 12 hours straight (yipes!) and we kept it going until 8 AM that morning before finally going to bed. Needless to say, I was insanely hung over after that. But I had loads of fun! And, my couch got broken, and my guests got naked. It was quite the party, lol! But yeah, things have been good, at least on the outside.


My head, on the other hand, isn't keeping up with it all. I'm not sure what the issue is, to be honest, but for some reason it just can't seem to keep up. It started last week, and it has just gotten worse. I keep falling out, not being able to concentrate on anything, and everything feels so unreal. It's as if I'm slowly slipping away from myself. Something's just not quite right, but I don't know what.
I saw my psychologist today, and she got a bit worried about this. She feared I might be falling back into my psychosis state again, so she made me promise that if I started hearing or seeing things I'd call her right away. But, even though I'm confused over this, I'm not really scared. Back when I had my psychosis periods, I was constantly scared and depressed, and my anxiety had a constant grip on me. I feared, every single day, that I'd lose my mind. That I was going insane. But I don't have that fear right now. I don't think I'm going insane. That's not it. But, I'm definitely not entirely there, that much is certain, and it is making it difficult for me to pay attention to the world around me.
In truth, the world around me feels alien and unreal. It's as if I'm somehow in the wrong world. That this one isn't the real one, and I somehow got misplaced here. I don't know. Talking to people is difficult, cause no matter how hard I try I just can't seem to keep up with what they're saying. I don't understand their words. Are they even real? It's as if I'm a fairytale character within reality, or a real person in a fairytale. I just feel so out of place.
And it has caused some pretty heavy moodswings. The other day, my mood was so haywire, that I had to sit down and ask myself what the fuck was going on. One moment I was aggressive as hell, and got angry for no reason at all, and the next I was so down that I was crying just because some pictures didn't align the way I wanted them to in a thread on GaiaOnline. It was an... Interesting day. But my mood is weird these days. Unusual. And slightly alien to me. And, there's a song I'm totally obsessing over. I mean, "What Doesn't Kill You" by Kelly Clarkson was my themesong a while back, cause a friend of mine made this really awesome video with it, but lately there's been another song that's been on my mind, and I've got the youtube video on repeat all day, cause I can't go a single minute without hearing it. It just feels so right. The music video is really awesome, but it's the lyrics and the beat that just wraps itself around my heart. I am Titanium. As simple as that.

Today, I'm not sure what kind of mood I'm in. I feel completely out of place today, and when I was at the hospital earlier, I was waiting on mum in a corridor I haven't been in before, and I stood paralyzed the entire time. That coridor scared the living breath out of me. Especially a pair of doors that were behind me, cause they felt unatural and dangerous, as if they didn't belong in our reality. I wanted to crawl out of my own skin just to get out of there. It was... Unpleasant. But, I'm in a strange mood. Not really angry or aggressive, cause I actually managed to stand in the same room as someone I absolutely despise without jumping at her throat (yay me!), but it's something along those lines. Like I'm on edge, or something. Waiting to punch. I'm kind of happy, but at the same time ready to do some serious harm if someone just gives me a reason to. Happy aggressive? I don't know. It's just weird. But, as I was out walking, I heard the song "Kamikaze" by Owl City, and it fit my mood perfectly! The entire song screamed "YES" at me as I listened to it. But it's not the lyrics (cause, truth be told, I still haven't listened to them so I have no idea what they are) but the general feel and beat of the song that just felt right.



It's a good song, it is. But, in the end, Titanium still feels like my currrent themesong. I'm still obsessing over it. Though, I still don't know exactly why. It's as if it's talking to me, strange how that sounds. It knows me.

I don't know...



A positive thing, however, that has come out of my currrent "out of it" state is that when I can't seem to focus on the world around me, I look inward. I seek out another world. And I find Arcaiia. My home, my obsession, and my love. And I give it my full attention. Which is something I haven't done in a while... I'm always connected to it, and that'll never change. Something's always happening in Arcaiia, every single second, and I am constantly feeding on it. It's what keeps me alive. But it's been a while since I actually did anything about it. Like sit down and work with it, draw things, write things, and use my energy on it. It's been half a year since I last did that, actually. I've been busy, a lot. And when I lost my partner in crime, I have to admit that a part of me didn't even feel like working on it. Hell, a part of me just died. Completely. And stayed dead. To me, that was the end of the world, and even though I never lost my connection to Arcaiia, I lost my will to do anything about that connection.

Now, however, that will is back. And I've been working non stop! Typing up profiles, drawing pictures of people (I drew the most awesome portrait ever of one of my most treasured lovelies the other day), and actively participating in my connection. And I've been giving my attention to my lovelies. My characters.
When people tell me I've got a small obsession for them, I just laugh at them. "A little obsession? Seriously, these people are everything to me. Obsessed doesn't even begin to cover it!" And it's true. They really are everything to me, and they keep me alive. Without them, I'd just disappear, that I am sure of. So, I love my "little" obsession, and I love how I've started working on things again. It helps. When it feels like I'm slipping away, I just concentrate on my work, or on my drawings, and I get janked right back again.

After everything they've done, to keep me alive, they deserve my full attention.



So, in the end, you could say that things are going well. Sure, I'm a bit out of it lately, and we can't seem to figure out why or what we can do about it, but I'm still somewhat sane and I'm functioning, so I'm not really complaining. Maybe I'm just tired, cause there have been a lot of rapid changes, both around me in my life as well as inside me, and a lot of dramatic things have happened. It's a lot to process, so there's no real wonder that my head's having trouble keeping up. Maybe, the worst thing I can do is try to fight this, cause then I might just make it worse. Maybe I just need to sit back and let things run its course. Cause, you know, everything does happen for a reason. Right?

That's, at least, what my protector taught me.