The other night, I dreamt that I gave up on living. Can't remember most of the dream, but towards the end of it, I was in town with some other girl. I don't know who she was, but apparently I knew her - at least in my dream. We were doing something, can't remember what, and was supposed to meet up with someone, and that's when I just suddenly gave up. "I can't do this anymore. I give up." was my exact words, and then I just left. I think I told someone not to follow me, but I'm not sure. I just know I hurried away so that no one could stop me, and I made it down towards the fjord. In my twisted dream-version of this town, there were several railways between the town and the fjord, and I remember stumbling across them in a hurry, before I reached the beach. And when I got there, I realized that I didn't have the strength to go further. I couldn't live, but I couldn't die either. So I just collapsed there, where the land and the water met, with half of me in the water and the other half face down in the sand. I couldn't move, and I couldn't even close my eyes to shut it all out. All I could do was just lay there, because I didn't have the strength to live, nor did I have the strength to kill myself.
Then she showed up - the girl I had been with earlier - cause apparently she had followed me, and she grabbed hold of me and tried to drag me out of the water. She only half succeeded, and then she picked up my head and placed it in her lap before calling someone - I don't know who - and giving them our coordinates, telling them to come help us. And I still couldn't move. But I could finally close my eyes, so I did, and my body slowly started to drift into sleep - though my mind was wide awake. I was so exhausted, and frustrated, and scared, and I just wanted to run away. I didn't want to deal with the consequences of what I had just tried to do, because I knew everyone would be mad and yell at me, and I just couldn't handle that. And so I just stayed there, half of me in the water, the other half on land, and my head in the lap of that girl, just feeling hopeless. Feeling like I didn't want to exist, nor did I want to die, and I was just stuck in some sort of limbo.
And slowly, I found that I was waking up - in real life. It took forever, but my mind finally connected, and I realized that I had been dreaming, and that I was not laying in the water, but in my own bed. My body was still uncapable of moving, cause I was half asleep, but my mind was awake - and stuck in that same limbo that it had been stuck in in the dream where I didn't want to live, but I didn't want to die either. It was an awful feeling. After forever and a half, I finally became awake enough to attempt some kind of movement, and spent another eternity forcing my body to life again. And then I sat up, and I just sat there, dazed and confused, for I don't even know how long, before my phone rang. It was mum, saying something about me being picked up in an hour, but that's all I can remember from that conversation. I forgot about it the moment I hung up. And then I pushed myself out of the bed and made coffee, then resumed life as usual.
It was an odd dream, and in a way a bit of a nightmare. And, I realize, probably a horrible way of beginning a blog entry. Sorry about that - I just needed to get it out of my system. The dream kind of rattled me, and I figure that writing it down will help me feel better.
I'm really tired these days. I mean, I'm used to the general tiredness that comes with a depression, and I'm used to the fatigue that comes with the fibromyalgia, and, believe it or not, I'm used to the physical exhaustion that comes from being physically active, but this doesn't feel like any of that. Or, rather, it feels like all of it, bundled up into one. Which is probably what it is, now that I think about it. I'm just so exhausted, and it takes every ounce of willpower that I have just to keep myself standing. It's not that I want to sleep or anything, cause I'm not tired in that way. I just want to stop existing for a while.
I don't want to die. It's not that - trust me! My thoughts aren't there at all. Life is still my biggest love. It's just that... I feel like I need a break from life. We've reached a standstill in our relationship, and I feel like some time apart would do us good. You know; see other people, and just not be together for a while. Just take off and see other worlds, before coming back to continue being with life. And that's not possible, I know that, but I still want it. A break would be nice.
I guess this depression is really kicking my ass, huh?
But not as much as it used to, though. Despite all this hopelessness, and the bad days, and everything, I still know, in the back of my mind, that this is just a bad period, and that I'll get over it. Which is nice, you know. I never had that before - back when I was really sick - and having it now makes me a lot stronger than I've ever been. I also know that it's okay to have bad periods, to feel weak and want to give up, and it's okay to stop moving forward for a while. Because that's not being weak; that's just being human. So, yeah. It's okay.
This is just the really bad part of the dungeon, right before the boss fight. And, hopefully, right before I find the supplies I need for the boss fight. You know; healing potions and fancy new weapons and stuff.
I'll be fine.
The worst part about the depression, though, is not the tiredness or the general feeling of hopelessness, but the detachment. It's common for my depressions - that feeling of being detached from the world, of not belonging. It's such a weird - and painful - feeling, and it gnaws on me. I feel like I'm not a part of this world, like I don't belong, and when I'm talking to people I'm just playing a role, cause I'm not real. I know it's just a feeling, and an illogical one at that, cause I know I belong, that I'm a part of this world, and that I'm real. But it's still there. And I feel it the most when I'm out interacting with people. Talking to people - friends, family, strangers - it intensifies that feeling of detachment. Which is why I've more or less stopped leaving the apartment. The more I feel that way, the harder it gets to keep going, and I feel like I'm drowning. If I don't go out, if I don't interact with people, then I won't feel that way, and I won't drown. It may sound odd, but going full hermit mode actually helps. It keeps that feeling of detachment at bay.
Also, distractions helps. I've gotten back to an online game I used to play a lot - Grand Fantasia - and getting absorbed with it, and it's world, actually helps. Since I can't have an actual physical break from life and this world, I can at least have a mental one by focusing on a gaming world. Again, it may sound odd, but it helps. It helps on my mood, and it helps on all those bad thoughts and feelings that I don't want to have. Grand Fantasia is, actually, a rather underappreciated game. It may not look like much, but it's actually quite amazing. It's a simple mmorpg, free to download and play, and it doesn't require a super computer - my laptop can play it, which says a lot, cause my laptop is crap - and the graphics are simple, yet cute. It's got that anime style to it, which, as an anime fan, I really like. The character customisation is a bit lacking, I'll admit, but that aside, the rest of the game is pretty brilliant. The maps are actually really nicely done, and the world itself is really beautiful. Lately, I've stopped to actually take a look at the nature and the buildings, and I gotta say that I'm in love with that world. It's just gorgeous. The quests and the NPCs have some really funny moments to them, when you stop and read it - I'm sure the developers had a lot of giggles writing it all. Also, this game has, hands down, the best class system I've ever come across in ANY game. It's sort of like the same system I use in my work, but less complicated. It's just utterly brilliant, and both the mage class and the healer class are so well done that I wholeheartedly enjoy playing both! In case you're not getting the point; this game is brilliant and everyone should play it. XD
Other things that helps? Well, I actually have two days a week where I have guests over and socialize. Yes, you read that correctly. I know I said that interacting with people is hard, but in those cases it's actually not. Firstly, me and Candy got back to the whole Saturday II on mondays, which is basically her coming over and playing Silent Hill while I sit and watch, and scream. It's nice, because for one; Candy has become an amazing friend - close to being a best friend - and I enjoy her company, and two; most of my focus is on a game, and it's world, so I still feel like I'm on a break from life. And, as I've already stated; that helps. We're a lot alike, Candy and I - equally fucked up - so I can say all kinds of weird shit and she'll take it for what it is and don't see me as a freak. Really though, we're so alike that it's almost scary - it's almost like we're soul-siblings or some weird shit like that, lol. Also, she got herself a gorgeous girlfriend - seriously, they're so cute together that they've turned me into a sqealing fangirl - which has done her a lot of good. She's gotten a lot stronger, and that's really nice to see, and seeing how happy and in love she is really gives me a boost of happiness. They're good for eachother!
And, secondly; me and my brother have BroSisTuesday together where he comes over and we play Grand Fantasia together. My brother is really amazing, in every way, and having him over cheers me up a lot. Mainly because together, we just focus on good things, and on gaming and weirdo geek stuff, so I feel like I can relax when he's around and not worry too much about life. I can't even put into words how amazing my brother is, really, for so many reasons. He's got a brilliant mind - he's intelligent, AND creative - and he's polite and respectful, yet a bit on the freaky side, and he's true to himself and who he is. He's got his own style, and his own opinions, and he's honest about it. He's just fantastic, and I really love him. And I love gaming with him, so it's a win-win, really.
Oh, and I've gotten back to focusing on my work again. More specifically, I've opened up RPGmaker VX Ace again, and started working on a game. I know I was supposed to finish my book this year, but I realized that I'm doing things in the wrong order. The book is an information book about my world, and to get people interested in wanting to know my world, I first need to get them to actually see that world. I need a way to introduce it - a fishing hook of sorts - to get people into it, and THEN I can produce a book that holds the information they might want. And what better way to introduce someone to a world than through a game? Well, there are story books - and they're coming, yes - but as a gamer my first thought will always be games. So, this year I'll be working on a game I have in mind instead, and my goal is to have it finished and ready for playing before Xmas this year. Well, at least some parts of it should be ready by then. It won't be a big game, and it won't have too much stuff in it, but it'll be a nice little introduction - with possibilities for sequels. I'm pleased with that, I am.
What else can I say?
Well, people have been asking me what they can do - regarding my depression - and generally freaking out on me, and seriously..? Chill. My mental health is not your responsibility; it's mine. You don't need to worry about anything, nor do anything, and you certainly don't have to start treating me differently. Just go about business as usual. I mean, I'm still the same person even though I'm depressed, so there's no need to freak out. The only thing I ask is that you take into consideration that I have even more limitations now than before. I'm more tired, I'm more reluctant to be social, and I struggle a bit more with certain things - and I get more anxious now. Yeah, the anxiety is back, but it's still on a managable level, so there's nothing to worry about. That's about it, really. So, yeah, just chill. Dealing with this shit is MY job, and my job alone, and I'll be fine. It might take a while, cause there's a lot of shit to deal with, but I'll be fine.
Honestly.
I'm working my way towards facing my demons. Or, rather, that one demon - Her. My mask, my chain-maker, the manipulator, and the one that's behind everything. The one I thought I killed, but has now proven to me that she can't die. I can't kill her. Try all I want - she's a part of me, and for as long as I'll live, she will too. She's my anger, my hatred, my insecurities, and my pain. She's everything bad in me, and the result of ever bad experience I've had. She's angry and frustrated, she hates everything and everyone - me more than anything - and she can't stand me being happy. She wants to destroy me - she's been trying to do so for years - and I'm moving towards her. She's the final boss of this dungeon, and I'm slowly coming to terms with that, and what I might have to do to defeat her.
Though I'm a bit shaken by the fact that she's that final boss, I can't really say I'm surprised. Somewhere deep inside me, I knew it. I think that's why I stopped moving forward, and just got stuck in one room in this dungeon, because being stuck seemed so much more appealing than facing her. I mean, I've been chained down and locked away by her, but I've never faced her. And part of me is somewhat terrified of doing so. And, strangely enough, there's also this weird, small part of me that is kind of looking forward to it. I can't explain it, really. But whenever I'm thinking about that fight ahead of me, I can feel the others - the voices - waking up and moving. It's like they're restless. And, of all of them, there's one that is looking at that fight a strange excitement. I guess it's not that hard to guess which one of them it is. He's always been the weird one...
Le sigh.
There really isn't much else to say. I'm struggling my way through this depression, and things are rough, and I'm tired, and I'm scared, but I'm moving. I'm moving forward - even if it's at a slow pace - and I'm certain that I'll be fine in the end. Somehow.
