Changes

I'm a slow learner, but I'm learning my lesson.

Place your heart in the hands of the wrong person, and you're bound to get seriously hurt. And I did. More hurt than I've ever been before in my life, in a way I never thought possible. But at least it made me realize some things people have tried to tell me for years, and I now know that certain things aren't worth the pain it causes.

I'm used to having my heart broken, and being stepped on, but not like this. It feels like my entire inside have been ripped apart, and I feel deceived, used, and completely worthless. I've spent several months trying to convince myself that I'm not worthless, and now it feels like I've gotten it thrown into my face. And it hurts. It hurts my self-esteem, it hurts my feelings, and it hurts the very core of my being, from which I gave so freely in the belief that I'd actually get something in return.

I'm wounded. Angry and dissapointed, yes, but first of all wounded.



The other day I had five different people giving me healing at the same time, and they worked on me for almost half an hour. It felt really good, though I'm sad that they had to take my pain in. Cause they did, as they told me, when they were attempting to heal me. They all took in my pain, and one of them told me that she saw a vision of my heart that was rather unpleasant. The first thing that came to mind when seeing it, she said, was a raw steak. All cut up and bleeding, like someone had seriously mistreated it. Pretty spot on description, though I feel sorry that she had to see something like that. They didn't know what was going on, other than that I was in pain and wasn't capable of doing any readings that day, but when they healed me they got to see. They were so supportive and sweet with me, and the tears just started streaming when I sat there. Such kindness... I needed it. And I felt several ton lighter afterward.

I'm still in a lot of pain, and I probably will be for a long time now. I have a lot of broken things inside me that needs to be rebuilt, and I know it'll take me time. But I've found a glimmer of strength beneath all that layer of hurt, and a determination I've never had before. If this had happened just half a year ago or so, it would've broken me to the point where it would've killed me. Literally. But now I've decided that I'm not gonna let it kill me. It's just not worth it, I see now. Yes, I'm broken, but I'm not dead. I'm gonna keep standing my ground, and for once try to push away the thoughts that say "it's probably my fault, cause I'm not good enough" and not let them haunt me this time. I know I'm not at fault. And that I deserve better.

This pain, these feelings, and everything around it... I've decided to put them all inside a box, where they belong, and just stand on that box or put it away somewhere. I can't deal with them right now -I don't even know how to deal with them - so it'll be best to just focus on something else instead. I know putting things inside a box isn't a healthy way to deal with things, especially since that means I'm not dealing with them at all, but for now I've decided it's the best thing I can do. I need to focus on positive things, and put the negative away, and truth be told there really isn't anything I can do anyway. I'll take out that box and open it if I am ever given a good enough reason to, but as it is now I don't see that happening. So, for now, I'm putting that box away, and will try my best to just forget about it.

My psychologist is proud of me, she told me. It was a good thing to hear. The strength I'm determined to show, and the fact that I'm standing my ground and have decided to not let this kill me, is something I've never shown before. And that I'm pulling out this strength, made her proud of me.



But I've also decided to take a break from FaceBook for a while. That place is just annoying me now, and I certainly don't need that in my life right now. Time to get rid of all the negative things, and try to focus on the positive, and FB brings far too much negativity with it. Of course, the place taught me to not follow my curiousity at all times. Not all links should be clicked! A valuable lesson learned, that's for sure. Still have trouble getting that video out of my mind. Some humans just make me sick to my stomach, and that's all there is to say about that matter.. Ugh.

But yes, I'm taking a break from FB. I'll still check in about once a week or so, just in case people with no other means of contacting me leaves me any messages, but that's about it. And I'm unsure about whether I should keep linking my blog in there. I only want what's best for my readers, so if they insist that I keep linking it to make it easier for them to follow it, then I will. Hey, any feedback on that would be great, by the way! Your opinions mean a lot to me.

I'm still playing Grand Fantasia, though not as often as I used to. I'm so out of energy lately, and even gaming drains me a lot these days, but I do try to check in once a day. My online friends in there really mean a lot to me, and I miss them all when I'm not online. I've been disappearing on them a lot these past weeks, and I feel really bad about that. But yeah, I'm determined to become more active in there.



I also see that I need to get a more active social life outside of the online world. As it is now, I don't really have any friends at all, and no one I can just hang out with or have a cup of coffee in town with. I really need to get out more, and I'm tired of feeling lonely. I just don't know how to fix that. I've been a loner all my life, and given all of my time to just one person, forsaking everything and everyone else around me. Made me feel good then and there, but now I see that it was a mistake. I'm inexperienced on the area of making friends, and having a proper social life, so I honestly have no idea where to begin. Just the thought of meeting strangers and getting to know them scares me to death. It's strange, I'm 26 year old and I don't know how to get friends. Kind of embarrassing, actually. But, I suppose that's the price I pay for making dumb choices.

I'm really glad that I joined the alternative youth group that I'm in now. We may not be a large group, and there are only two others there that's my age, but I'm comfortable around them. It's like we're on the same tracks, so I can speak freely with them about things, without anyone looking at me like I'm crazy. They all know what I'm talking about, cause they've experienced the same things, and have the same belief, and that's really comforting. It also helps me develop my own abilities, which is great. It's social, which is something I need, and it gives me a chance to be around like-minded people.

They told me there's going to be an alternative fair here in town right after x-mas, and that I should definitely get a stand there and give readings for money. They believe I have great abilities, and they also love my way of doing readings cause it's so unlike the things they're used to. I mean, after they all worked on healing me, I managed to give three readings within an hour! I've never done that before, and the last reading I did was 100% spot on, I was told. That's pretty good for my self-esteem to hear, that's for sure. I'm gonna give it some thought, and maybe see if I want to attend that fair. Might be interesting.


I just wish I had more things to do with my time than just those group meetings every second week. I just don't know what else I should do. I mean, I'm working hard on that M-projected that got started last week, and I've been out of the apartment every single day since it started. Most of the time I've been to town with my mother, since she has time off work three times a week. I enjoy those trips, I do, cause I get to get out of my apartment and feel some social energy around me, but there's still those two days when mum's at work where I have to get out on my own that's hard. Not sure what to fill those days with, to be honest.

The coming weekend, though, I've actually been invited to a party! Kind of looking forward to that, cause it'll be a halloween party, and I really love halloween. But I'm also looking forward to some social contact, so I'm really glad and grateful that they invited me. I probably need to have a bit of fun to get my mind off things.



My life is changing. Everything around me is changing. And, maybe because of that, things inside me are changing as well. I can feel these changes like strings of energy that tie everything together, and every now and then they give off a spark that makes my skin tingle. I don't know what kind of changes there will be, or if they'll be good or bad ones, but I can't deny the fact that they are taking place. And these are pretty serious changes, and it feels like they will change my life forever. I'm just praying that it'll be for the better. That, finally, good things will start to come my way, because after everything I've been through I kind of feel like I deserve that.

I'm predicting that my life for a time onwards now will be pretty tough, and I'll have to go through a lot of painful things, but I'll try to keep in mind that when I get burned to the point where there's nothing but ashes left, I can be reborn. And that I am protected by things and beings no one else know of, and that these things and beings will never abandon me. They will always stand by my side, and give me strength to make my way through even the hardest of things. And for that, I am eternally grateful. And I'll keep the message I was given through channeling from the shaman in mind, every single day, and take strength from it. I'll survive through these changes, and, hopefully, emerge on the other side as a stronger and better person, thanks to the support I am given. Thanks to the ones protecting me they way they are. Thank you, for that, from the bottom of my heart. For you, I'll keep living and fighting.


Mo Okali, Ati Amirai~

M-project

"Fake a smile long enough,
and you'll start to believe you're happy.

It's hard in the beginning, and you'll probably feel empty inside. Hollow. But eventually it'll get easier, and if you just keep fighting your way through it, you'll come to realize at one point that you're not pretending anymore. The smile you're wearing is real."

-M



I've been very out of it lately, in a bad way. Something isn't quite as it should be, inside me, and it's difficult to handle. It's as if some strange part of me has just shut down and stopped caring about the outside world. I don't really want to leave my apartment, and I don't want to go online to places where people might actually see that I'm online and talk to me. I'm hiding from the world, like I usually do, but it's not anxiety. I'm rarely bothered by anxiety anymore, as it's almost gone. What this is, is completely new to me. I just don't want to be a part of the world, instead of being afraid of it. So I avoid it. I avoid people in it. Even people I want to talk to or meet, I avoid. I don't really care about anything. My heart is shattered? I don't care, toss it away. Don't need it. My inside is empty? I don't care, ignore it. Maybe I like it that way. My mind is sad and out of it? I don't care, leave it. Works better that way.

You see? I'm in a dangerous thought pattern. A part of me has stopped caring.

Luckily, I'm a being with many, many parts of me. And so, I've decided to start the M-project! The M is originally from the one I took the above quote from, but it can also stand for Motivation. Cause, I need a whole load of that! And I'm gonna motivate myself into fixing this problem, whatever it is.

I already started on it this monday by setting a rule for myself that I need to leave the apartment and go outside once a day. Even if it's just to check my mailbox, I will go out that door and walk those few metres back and forth! I'm being merciless on this. My mum has been extremely helpful in that matter, as this week we've gone to town together almost every day, and that has helped a lot. I'm really, really grateful for that, cause getting myself to leave the apartment is really hard on my own.

I'm not really sure where the next step goes, but I've been thinking of using this weekend to do something about the inside of my apartment. Trust me when I say; it looks like a bomb went off. I'm not exactly known for being a tidy person, and it shows. So, that problem needs to be tackled somehow, and I figured that since my parents are gonna take away the boxes blocking my bed at the moment and stow them away this sunday, I could prepare the rest of the place for that so that I could rearrange the apartment on sunday! Or, at least try to...

Either way, I'll try to get a decent start on this as soon as possible, and draw down a battle plan of some sorts, and see if I can't get all the things I want to do done by the end of this month! I think it's a pretty good schedule to work by, and if I can keep things up at the pace I started earlier this week then I should be fine. Just gotta keep leaving notes to myself, and make sure I follow them!

Oh, and, reward. I need to think of a really good reward for myself when I'm done!
Any suggestions?

Grand Fantasia

These past months I've been pretty sucked into an online game that I've been playing for a while, and it's a really fun game. Though these days I'm somewhat out of it and hiding from the world, so I haven't been playing as much as I like, I still want to say that this game is definitely one of my favourite games ever.

So, I want to make this entry to try and lure other people into playing it!


The game is called Grand Fantasia, and is a mmorpg that you can download and play for free, and it's created by AeriaGames. If you go to homepage for the game - grandfantasia.aeriagames.com - You can register your account and download the game. And again, it's completely free! And it doesn't require a super computer either, so most people can play it.

Beginning the game, you get to create your own character by customizing its gender and looks. You also get to customize the companion of your character, which is a sprite that can create things for you. Choosing the sprite type, you get to decide what you want the sprite to create. And when you're done, you get a funny little intro before you start to play!

You start at a beginner's area called Siwa Island as a novice lvl1, and can take on quests to start lvling yourself (quests shows as books on your map). You can't leave the island until you've completed certain quests, but you can also stay there for as long as you like. When you reach lvl5, you get to choose your class, that'll be upgraded once you reach lvl15. The classes are:

Fighter (melee fighter) - upgrades to a Warrior
Hunter (ranged fighter) - upgrades to an Archer
Acolyte (healer) - upgrades to a Priest
Spellcaster (magical fighter) - upgrades to a Mage

For more info on the classes, read this!

When you're ready to leave Siwa Island and enter the big world of Saphael, you get to pick where you want to start, and there are three places to choose from!

Jale - The city of mechanics (main mount is a mecha)
Ilya - The city of magic (main mount is a wolf)
Kaslow - The royal capital (main mount is a sunbird)

Jale is a steam mechanical place, and it's surrounded by desert, so the beginning areas you get if you pick Jale is desert areas. Ilya is a place of magic and wonders, and it's surrounded by beautiful woods, so picking Ilya will get you lush green beginning areas. Kaslow is in the center of the continents and the capital where the royal family resides, and it's bordering to the sea with plains on the other side, so picking Kaslow will get you the large plains as the beginning area.

I've been to all three cities, and they each got their own charm, but whenever I'm relaxing and chatting to people I'm usually sitting somewhere in Kaslow. It's my favourite city of the three, though it can get pretty crowded in there.

You can teleport freely between the three major cities, but other teleport points needs to be found and activated before you can use them!

So, when you're up and about in the big world, you start to lvl yourself to become stronger and be capable of more interesting things. You need to be at least lvl10 to be able to trade with people, and you can't talk in the world chat until you've reached lvl16. Before that, you can only chat on Say (which is only seen by those nearby you), Yell (which is seen by everyone in the same area as you) and Whisper (which is a type of private chat to one specific person). Reaching lvl20 will allow you to use mounts, which is a good way to move around the world when you're tired of running. When you reach lvl30, you get a new class upgrade and this time you have 2 classes to choose from!

Warrior upgrades into Berserker OR Paladin
Archer upgrades into Ranger OR Assassin
Priest upgrades into Cleric OR Sage
Mage upgrades into Wizard OR Necromancer

It's all your choice! And whichever class you pick, you get the last class upgrade when you reach lvl65! And at this very moment, the highest lvl possible is lvl85.


There are three different servers to play on, and each server have different channels. Personally, I play in the Bodor server on channel 3, cause I find the community there very friendly and I've got several friends there that I like to chat with. They all have the magical ability of making me feel better when I'm down, and I love them for it.

I am currently a lvl50 Wizard, named KeyJester, and I own my own guild with a fellow player, Yuresca, that's called JestersGuild. It's a small guild with very few members, but we're all friendly in there, and we're always looking for new, friendly and active players to join us.

I'm usually online on the weekends these days, due to my mood being what it is and my head my head being.. Well, you know, but I do have periods where I'm online from the moment I get out of bed until I go back to bed again. I also have my own Grand Fantasia facebook account, so if you're interested in gaming with me you can add me if you like! Just search for KeyJester Grand Fantasia and you'll find me. Whenever I take screenshots from the game, I usually upload them to that account.


I don't know what else to say about the game. If you're still in need of more info, you can check out their wiki page to know more about it! But the best way to learn, is to play! So, get playing! I certainly don't mind getting even more reasons to log on and be online social.

Rearrangement and Channeling

I want to carve out my own heart, put it in a box of glass and place it on a shelf where I'll never be able to reach it ever again. Sometimes, my own thoughts and feelings make me so sick that I get physically ill, and just want to throw up.

I don't want to feel anything anymore...


That's the regular thoughts that's been visiting my head lately, and to tell you the truth it haven't really been pleasant. Been going through one of "those" periods again, and it has rendered me incapable of doing anything at all. I've just been locking myself up in my own apartment, avoiding people both offline and online, and done nothing but stare at the wall. Not even gaming seems to make me feel better, so I've been avoiding that too.

You know what? It's been booooring!

Sometimes I wish I could step out of myself and slap me really hard, cause when I'm going through "those" periods I kind of sicken myself with how pathetic I get. Okay, no, I'm not gonna call myself pathetic, that's just stupid of me and I've got to quit all this self-hating. But I do get annoyingly down and helpless when I'm in this corner, and it's bugging me. The worst part is that it has taken me just about a week just to finish the above writings for this blog. How silly is that?

I wish I had money, cause right now I just want to go away somewhere. Don't really care where, as long as it's far away from here, cause I really need to put some distance between me and my life right now. Though mostly I just need to get some distance from myself.


I need to rearrange my head. And not just a little bit, but a whole damned lot. I just don't know where to begin, cause there's so much chaos to grab hold of in there. Maybe I need a maid? I don't know. I was on such a good path, with a decent pace, and making my way forward and out of all the shit I've been crawling around in for so many years, and then I stumbled and fell flat on my face in that shit. I guess what makes it so bad is that I wasn't really prepared for it. It just tackled me from behind.

If I could just magically conjure up some energy from somewhere, and get my behind into gear so I'd do something other than just sit on it and do nothing, then maybe that would help. Just sitting at home with nothing but my own head to keep me company really doesn't help at all. Especially since my apartment just makes me depressed, for several reasons.

Everything in and around me needs to be rearranged.



I had a very interesting evening today, which is what finally made me drag myself up a bit and at least get to writing again. The past week has been one of my worst so far, so finally having a decent evening with some very interesting and positive happenings just made me feel tons better. The smile I have on right now isn't one of my fake ones. It's actually real. And it's spiced with puzzlement and amazement.

I had plans a while ago that I'd start attending an alternative group here in town, but a few weeks back when they had their first meeting I was too sick and too depressed to go, so I almost dropped those plans. But, today I decided that I'd attend, and man am I glad I did. I had a really good time, in good company, and got the most interesting (and kind of scary) reading ever. One of the people on the group can channel, and I got a lot of information that left me more or less speechless.

Absolutely every single thing I was told was correct, which was amazing enough in itself, but this person also managed to read things NO ONE ELSE knows. And I mean absolutely no one, besides me and the one person closest to me that I share these things with. So having someone read these things, was at one point almost a bit scary. It left me literally speechless, and amazed. And, also, it left me feeling a bit better about things, and it lifted my spirit a lot. I am going to take the advices I was given, and do the best that I can with them. And I will try my very best to follow my heart, as I was asked to do in these matters.

Something tells me I'll be pondering on the things I was told for the next two weeks until the next meeting, cause they really hit home. These were highly personal things. Even though the person who did the channeling couldn't understand half of the messages that were passed on to me, I understood every single thing. They really were meant for me.

I don't know what else to say. I'm still a bit speechless.
This was one of the most amazing experiences I've ever had.

Maybe, just maybe, I'll get back up on my feet again now.