The darkest shadows

It's been a long and tiresome week. I haven't gotten nearly as much done as I planned, mainly because my body just refuses to work with me. Okay, I get that one day, where the weather was really bad, but the rest of the week? What's with the pain!? Seriously, it's been impossible to get anything done, cause I've hardly been able to move at all.

Had a slightly better day on Thursday, so I took a really long shower - which was heavenly, by the way - and got a couple of things done around the apartment. I even managed to change the sheets on the bed! But, those few minor things I did was enough for my body to want to collapse, cause I was hardly standing afterwards. My body just can't seem to pull itself together these days. It's really, really annoying.

Today I've been feeling tired and sad since I woke up, and I'm not entirely sure why. I guess recovering from complete exhaustion isn't as easy as I'd hoped, and it's eating on my mood.

Also, my mood took a serious dive down to the bottom of the ocean when I had to do some calculations regarding some bills and such, and I realized that I've miscalculated some things and don't have enough money to survive the next month. And I've already used up all my savings to pay for my birthday, so there's nothing there to lean on.

Good news is, though, that if I don't buy ANY food the next three weeks, I'll manage to scrape up the money I need for the last of the bills. Can I survive on bread and water for a couple of weeks? Yeah, I'm pretty sure I can. I've done so before, and I can certainly do so again. Besides, I've got some wine left after the birthday loot, and that will make excellent liquid food. Right? Well, maybe I can sell them. That way, I can use the money for those bottles to get the food I need. Sounds like a good plan, that.

As soon as I get over this minor bump in the road, I should fall right into the new budget I've made for this year, and I should be fine. I've decided to put all my extra money away on saving accounts, just to make sure I'll survive any future bumps in the financial road. Being in my situation, with my diagnose and my pension, and all of my expenses, I can't really afford to fuck up. Not even once. If I do, then I'm pretty screwed - like I am now.

Being an adult - a disabled one at that - is just sooo much fun.

I'd cry, but that won't really help fix this. I'd punch something... Oh, hang on. I did. I punched my bathroom door - and learned that it's really, really, REALLY hard. That was a really bad idea. And now my fist hurts like fack.

......

Okay, so I put this entry aside, and I put my calculations, and just about everything else, aside as well, and I got out my sketching pad. I spent some time doing some sketches of my oldest friend and dearest companion - Elizabeth - since she's the only one whom can always calm my mind no matter how bad things are, and just took a breather. And then I went grocery shopping, only bying bread, milk, and catfood - the three things I actually needed - and as soon as I got back I did some more sketching before looking through what I have of food in the house.

The result of this all was two sketches of Liz - the first one is quite possibly the worst sketch I've ever done of her, and the second one is, without a doubt, the best one I've ever done - and I've gotten a decent idea of how I'm gonna deal with things. I've got enough food in the cabinets and the freezer to last me these next three weeks - if I'm smart about it - and if I only buy bread and milk when I run out, I should manage to pay the bills AND eat. I'll be totally fine! I have to do without beer, but that's not really a huge loss. I'll manage.

I'll fucking manage!

I swear, I don't know what I would've done without Liz. She always gets me back on track whenever I feel lost, and she helps me stay calm when I need to. And thanks to her giving me a mental break, I'm confident that things'll be okay.

Why do I even worry? I know I'm protected, and that I've got my companions by my side, always. They have my back whenever I need them to.


I'll be taking it easy this weekend. I absolutely need to, cause my system is about to have a break down. I'll just do some gaming and some sketching, just taking a mental break from everything, and on Sunday I'll go down to my folks' to have birthday coffee (omg, my brother will be 17 years of age on Monday, what the eff??), which will be nice. I'm glad I already bought my brother his birthday present, so that's not something I need to worry about. And then me and him are going to have an amazing BroSis Tuesday next week, with pizza and gaming, which is going to be absolutely awesome, and then life is going to get back on track again.

I'm surrounded by darkness, but that's okay. Liz is a creature of the dark, and my lunar deity, so whenever I feel lost in the dark, she'll be there. She's always there. In the shadows, where others can't see. She's been there my entire life, and I know she'll stay there for the rest of it. The darkest shadows, the ones you think will swallow you, suffocate you - that's where I know she'll be, catching me if I fall.

Retreat and Regroup

I've been sticking rather nicely to my plan, though not entirely of free will. Last week was a harsh weak, both mentally and physically, and it left me uncapable of moving all that much. Aside from going grocery shopping on Friday, I didn't leave the building even once, and I barely even left the bedroom at all other than to get food or go to the bathroom. I was so exhausted, all I did was sleep and focus on my paperwork, and I had little to no contact with the outside world. My mum called me every other day to check on me, but she's amazingly understanding so she never asked me to come out of hiding. Instead she supported my decision to just stay at home and recharge, and I can't even begin to express how much I appreciate that.

Again, aside from Friday, I went totally dead on the social front. My sister showed up on Friday afternoon with wine and her usual amazing self, and since it's her I did an exception and had her over the entire evening. It was nice to just sit and talk about everything and nothing, before we did some gaming. I like those evenings with my sister, mainly because she understands all too well what it's like to be an introvert - and what it's like to have social anxiety. My anxiety may be gone, but being an introvert is something that can never be changed, and when I need to recharge then I need to retreat. As simple as that.

And retreat was truly what I did last week. I completely retreated from everything and everyone, and it was absolutely amazing. I decided to ignore everything I needed to do and instead just focus on my paperwork - which is always a nice distraction from everything when I'm not doing well - and just relax inbetween things. I definitely needed that week, cause my body has reached the point where it can't take much before breaking down.

Had one of those nice little physical break downs during the weekend, which acted as a horrible reminder of what happens when I don't take care of myself. The stress and everything caught up to me, and that combined with not eating properly - I DID eat, just not as much as usual - was enough to have my stomach react to some of the candy I had on Saturday. Oy, gods, the pain! The pain I felt a while back when my body reacted to a milkshake I was given doesn't even come close to it! Had to pause the game I was playing and head to the bathroom, and there I literally just collapsed on the floor. Everything was spinning - I could hear the ocean, omg! - and then it went black for a while. I don't think I was out long, probably just a couple of seconds, but I ended up just staying on the floor for quite a while before I dared to move and do what I came to the bathroom to do. All in all, I spent an hour in the bathroom - most of that just laying on the floor - before most of the pain went away.

Gad, it was absolutely horrible, and I was so exhausted afterwards that I could barely focus on the game at all. I couldn't even finish my cognac, and had to just put it away and call it quits on the game before crawling into bed. Didn't get much sleep that night, as the pain kept me up most of it, so when I got out of bed on Sunday I felt like absolute and utter crap. I was so exhausted that I could barely move at all that day. Not the best weekend I've ever had, that.


But now I've had an entire week to retreat, so now it's time to regroup. I still need another week of no social contact - sorry, world! - just to regain myself a little bit, but this week will be spent pulling myself and my life together, and get stuff organized. I've got a lot to take care of, so I'm going to use the entire week to do so, to make sure I don't exhaust myself. Most of it is just things around the apartment, cause the place looks like hell. Saying that it looks like a bomb went off just doesn't really cover it, so I'mma go right ahead and say that it looks like a teenage boy has been living here for a month. THAT's how bad it looks. Eesh! So yeah, I gotta take care of it this week, and slowly put it back to order again.

And then there's a lot of other minor things that needs to be taken care of, but I'm confident I'll be able to take care of it all this week if I just take it little by little and actually use the whole week to do so. I'm not going to rush anything, of course, and if I need more than a week to take care of things, then that's what I need and I'll respect that. I'm going to try and listen to my body a bit more, and take more care of it. This weekend was a good lesson for me, and it taught me that I don't pay enough attention to my health - neither physically nor mentally - and so I'm gonna get better at doing so this year.

Yeah, this'll be a good week to regroup, I'm sure of it.


All that aside, I'm pleased with myself so far when it comes to some of my resolutions this year. One of the things I decided on was to become more active on social medias, meaning that I am going to use the art accounts I've got on instagram and twitter more often. Yes, I've got accounts on both things, and yes, you can go follow me - my instagram, and my Twitter - and yes, I'm going to be more active on both this year. Though they are mainly used for my work, I do post personal updates as well (mainly on Twitter, though), just so you know.

How's my work doing? Still staying true to my resolution of focusing more on it, and so far I've gotten further than I ever have before, and this new approach to it that I'm doing now has given me a lot of new info to go on, and I feel very satisfied with that. I'm currently just focusing on making lists of things, but when I am done I will start drawing and writing more again, and hopefully I'll be able to keep this up the entire year.

I also have several other small plans for things I'll be doing this year - some of them regarding my physical health - and these small resolutions are ones I'll try my best to stay true to. If I can just keep going at the pace I am now, I'm confident that I should be strong enough to take on that dungeon boss when the time comes.

It doesn't matter how many times the world - or my mind - knocks me down, cause there is no way on hell that I'll stay down! I'm gonna keep getting up again - and again, and again, and again. I may be tired, but I am regrouping, and soon I'm gonna be fit for fight!

What doesn't kill you, gives you EXP.
And that's how you level up!

IX The Hermit

I slept until noon today. It felt good, cause I was pretty exhausted, for a lot of reasons. This is my first full day of not having someone around me, and it's both really odd as well as really great. For over a month now, I've had someone there, and that's not something I'm used to. I'm used to being alone. That's sort of how I grew up, and got used to, and because of that I feel comfortable when I am on my own. I kind of prefer it. And now I feel like I need to take a lot of time to myself, and play the Hermit for a while.

I'm sad, though, for a lot of obvious reasons. It was heartbreaking, having to break up with my now ex girlfriend, both because I care for her and don't want to hurt her, and also because it was nice to feel that I could love someone else and have them love me in return. Still unsure of my feelings, but I'm growing more and more confident that it was the right thing to do. We need space, and time to figure ourselves out. She, more than anything, needs to figure herself out, and I want her to do that without me colouring her. Me, and my other selves, can be pretty dominant and we've got some strong personalities that can easily end up influencing others in ways we don't want to. And I just don't want that for her, cause I want her to be 100% fully herself. So, yeah. It was the right thing to do.

I'm also horribly heartbroken about having to say good bye to my dearest friend. She started her journey back to New Zealand yesterday morning, and so we parted ways at the train station down in Trondheim - she headed down south to the air port and I headed back up north. It was horrible, and I was sad the entire trip back home, cause I really didn't want to say good bye to her.

She is my closest and dearest friend, which she has been for many, many years. We first met online, in December 2005, on a site called GaiaOnline. I had my own guild there that slowly turned into a massive roleplaying guild, and it wasn't long before she became one of my admins. I think it was late 2007 that she first came to visit me and the boyfriend I had at the time in Norway, and she spent Xmas with us and greeted the new year - and celebrated my birthday - before she headed back home again. And in 2009 I travelled all the way to New Zealand to visit her and her family. I stayed there for about 3 months, and those months did so much for me. They helped me get perspective on a lot of things, and the trip in itself changed me a lot - both physically as well as mentally. And the two of us became even closer as friends.

I used to call her my Summerbird, because when she visited me the first time she had a thing for butterflies, and I told her that the Norwegian name for them literally translates into summerbirds, and so that sort of just became her nickname. But yesterday, on the train, I realized that she's not my summerbird. She's my Bluebird. And if you don't get that reference then either you haven't seen K-Pax (go do it, it's my favourite movie!), or you have seen it and just didn't get that part of it and what it really meant. But yes, she is my Bluebird, and has been for quite a while. She always helps me stay on track, and she's been a support for me in a way no one else has. She truly is the most treasured person I have in my life, cause no one has ever been such a dear and supportive friend to me like she has.

Having her visit just really reminded me of how much I care about her, and why I care about her - she really is the most amazing person on this planet, no doubt about that - and I really wish I could see her more often. She's been talking about maybe moving here to Norway, at least for a year to see what it's like, and every single atom in my body wholeheartedly wants that. She's the only person I never mind having around me. She spent a month here, living in my home, and I never got sick or tired of her. Quite the opposite - if she hadn't been here then I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have managed to get through this past month. Her presence is not a burden in any way, and she doesn't drain me like most people do. There's no doubt in my mind that she's the best friend I could ever dream of having.

She's my Bluebird.
That's just the way it is.


I'm tired today. I've got a lot to take care of - both around the apartment as well as in my life in general - but I don't feel like doing anything. I'm out of money anyway, so I have to wait until I get money again before I can do anything. There's no energy left in me right now, so I'm just going to take the day to relax a little and shut the world out for a while. I think I need it after everything that's been going on around here. I do have half a battle plan that will be set into motion next week, but I'm not even going to think about it today. Tomorrow is Monday, and a good day to start putting things into motion, so I'm going to leave everything that needs to be done to be taken care of tomorrow.

And I think I'm going to pay attention to that reading I did on myself, and try to follow it as closely as possible. It clearly states that the beginning of the year is a time of quiet and contemplation, so I'm going to play the Hermit and keep to myself for a while. You know, retreat and regroup. I've got a lot ahead of me - that boss fight being the number one thing I'm dreading - and I need this quiet time to just think about things and sort things out within myself. And I'm also going to focus on my work more than anything this year, because I really want to get somewhere with it. I have a lot of plans for it, and I feel confident that this is the year where I'll finally get to reach the goals I've set for me.

I'm tired. Oh, so tired. I want to go to sleep, and just sleep for the rest of my life. I want to leave this world and seek out another one, and never look back. I want to escape everything that makes me tired, and find something better.

But I'll be okay. I know I've got friends and family - my darling loved ones - and my companions, and I get the strength that I need from them all. I know they'll never let me down, and I know they'll come running if I ask for their aid. I'll be okay. I'll manage. I just need to play the Hermit for a while, and I'll figure things out.

I'm tired, but I'll be fine.

2015 Reading

Note to self: 8 of Spades

Some things will always be in darkness

Accept it

Fire - Feelings, emotions, passion
Rune: Dagaz, Daeg, Dag
Breakthrough, awakening, awareness
Dagaz claims the darkness is gone and the sun will light your way. After a night of uncertainty and darkness, the dawn arrives to bring clarity into your life, along with change. It speaks of connection - most importantly; a spiritual connection - and it completes a cycle by bringing it to an end and introduce you to new things. Light and hope is coming to you, and things will become better.
In relation to your feelings, Dagaz tells you that you've been struggling emotionally, and that there has been uncertainty and darkness clouding your feelings, making things hard. But now the dawn approaches, and you will find an emotional breakthrough that will awaken you, and you will see things in a different light. Do not worry, as there is hope to be found, now that you are aware of what you feel.

Earth - Physical body, blood, family
Rune: Uruz, Ur (Auroch, wild ox)
Physical strength and speed, untamed potential
Uruz brings a time of great energy and health, and sudden or unexpected changes that usually are for the better. It talks of physical strength and perseverance, and the courage and the emotional and spiritual strength needed to overcome a trial or an important change in life. You may lose something, or someone, but this is a necessary change, and from the ashes of the old you will rise like a newborn phoenix.
In relation to your physical self, Uruz tells you that you are in for a change in yourself that will bring a better health, and more energy. There might be some kind of loss, but whatever - or whomever - is lost, will be replaced by something better, and Uruz will give you the strength to move on. There is a raw, masculine power in the picture, which represents your sexuality. Do not overlook this.

Water - Soul, inner world
Rune: Sowilo, Sigel, Sol (The sun)
Success, goals achieved, honor
Sowilo talks of victory and success, and to some, it can be a trip to the inner world in search of balance. It tells you that it is time to admit something long denied, and to shine a light on the darkness within. It is the end of a cycle, and we've reached a successful and positive conclusion. There is a change within us - a growth - as our physical selves connect with our spiritual selves, and it helps achieve our goals.
In relation to your inner world, Sowilo speaks of a positive change in yourself - and who you truly are - and success after a hard struggle. You've faced the darkness in you, you've discovered who you truly are, and now the light shines on you and tells you that you've reached your destination. You've got a newfound power, and a connection between your physical self and spiritual self, and you now stand stronger than ever.

Air - Thoughts, mind, creativity
Rune: Kenaz, Ken (Beacon or Torch)
Vision, revelation, knowledge, creativity, inspiration, technical ability
Kenaz says that there is an end to the darkness in your life, as it brings light and clarity to it in a way that will bring new knowledge to you. This knowledge will help shed a light on unknown things, and it will help you see things as they truly are, and you will find a sudden flow of inspiration that will help you.
In relation to your mind, Kenaz quite clearly speaks of creativity, as a result of the sudden inspiration, and it urges you to act on it. Could it speak of the creation of a new project? Whatever was hidden from you in the past can now be seen, and this revelation brings you what you need to start working on something that you could not work on before. It brings the fire of transformation and regeneration, and it speaks to you of harnessing power to create your own reality - the power of light - and reminds you to stay open to new strength and energy.

Spirit - Unified self, the essence of who you are
Rune: Ansuz, Ansur (the As, Ancestral god, i.e. Odin)
A revealing message or insight, communication
Ansuz comes with the message of wisdom, and speaks of a blessing in the form of truth, good health, luck, or a relationship. It speaks of Odin, King of the Gods, and how he brings guidance and advice, insight and clarity, and the calming of fear by bringing light to the darkness.
In relation to the essence of all that you are, Ansuz speaks of making wise decisions to obtain leadership, and brings help with divination and magic in general. It tells you that you should listen to the advice given to you because it will help you gain the insight you need to get out of the darkness that you are lost within. There might be an actual person that will enter your life, bringing the guidance you need - a person that takes the metaphorical role of Odin, the bringer of wisdom - and you should take notice of the blessing that the person represents. He or she will help you reclaim the light that will bring clarity to your life.
This will help you go through a transformation, and the emotional darkness that had you trapped will be cleared, helping you take charge of the situation. This will bring you a better health, more strength and energy, and it'll bring a rush of inspiration and creativity to you that will help you on your way. You will find a connection to your inner self, and finally you will be at peace. This new person will untangle the knots in your heart, and help sort out your feelings. S/he will help you nuture your wounds and bring your physical self to its feet, while lifting the clouds from your mind and showing you the things you did not see. This bringer of light will lead you out of darkness, and show you the path you had lost sight of.

Work and Hobbies

1. Beginning of the Year (Jan-Feb) - XIII Death, 10 of Spades
Change, transformation, end - Source of the unknown
Death speaks of endings - the death of things no longer necessary - and it is unavoidable and impossible to control. It speaks of closure and change, and tells you that something in your life is about to end, bringing about an unavoidable change. But keep in mind; Before you can be reborn, you must die. The 10 of Spades speaks of a vast unknown, and things hidden in the darkness, and it represents that which clouds your vision and leaves you in uncertainty.
In relation to eachother, Death tells you that this darkness, this vast unknown, will come to an end, and you will gain clarity and light. You will see things from a new perspective, and you can finally cast away the old, let it die, and be born anew. Regarding your work, this could mean that old things that kept you from moving forward are now being removed. The long time spent in darkness, not knowing where to go or what to do, is now over, and you can now have a fresh, new start. Finally, you see things as they truly are, and that brings a new kind of inspiration to you, as promised by the light that now takes the place of the darkness.

2. First half of the year (Jan-Jun) - XX Judgement, Black Joker
Consequences and responsibility - Unexpected and necessary change
Judgement speaks of taking the consequences of the choices you've made, and taking responsibility by learning from your experiences. You reap what you sow, is what Judgement tells you, and it is time to face that. The Black Joker speaks of a change that is suddenly put upon you, and it was something you did not expect, nor feel ready for. But this is a necessary change, and even though it might be painful, it will make things better in the long run.
In relation to eachother, Judgement tells you that this sudden change is not brought by the Black Joker, but by your own actions. The choices you've made has brought you to the place where you are now, and it is time you faced the result of that. Regarding your work, this might mean that the choices you made in the past will force a sudden change in your work that you did not expect. Although this might seem scary, it is nothing to fear, as this is something that was meant to happen. Death brought an ending to the vast darkness, and you now face that which was trapped there. You may need to change your approach to your work, but this change is for the better, and it will steer you in on the path your work was meant to take.

3. Second half of the year (Jul-Dec) - XV The Devil, King of Clubs
The dark side, opening of blockades - a passionate and childlike guide
The Devil stands before you, reminding you that you have a dark side. There is a darkness within you, as there is in all creatures, and it brings an immense power and energy that is currently blocked by inhibitions. But that darkness can be turned into light, and that energy can be released, if only you dare face your own darkness. The King of Clubs has reached its destination, and completed its journey. It speaks of family, passion, and a childlike behaviour, and it represents someone that stands above you in some way - either as a parent, an older sibling, an employer, or someone simply wiser than you.
In relation to eachother, the Devil tells you to look to someone that will help you shine a light on your inner darkness, bringing guidance to your life as the King of Clubs. It is time you faced yourself. In regards to your work, it might speak of the consequences you were forced to face, and the change that was unexpectedly brought to it. This was all caused by that darkness inside you, and now that you've faced te consequences and taken responsibility, it is time to face yourself and your own inner demons. You might recieve guidance from an outside source, and if that is the case then take the advice that is given to you.

4. End of the year (Nov-Dec) - III The Empress, Star Joker
Mother, upbringing, responsibility, wisdom - The end of something
The Empress is the mother that gave birth, that raised and nurtured her offspring, giving it all the love and the wisdom she could give, before finally letting go. She speaks of responsibility, and of listening to those wiser than you. Respect your roots, and look to your origin for what knowledge it brings. The Star Joker speaks of endings, of reaching the destination of the path you've traveled on, and saying good bye to old things.
In relation to eachother, the Empress tells you that Death truly is unavoidable, and that it is not the end of the world. You've walked this path, nurturing your creation, and by doing so you've gained a wisdom that you previously did not have, and now this journey is at an end. In regards to your work, this might mean that you will have completed something that you have been working on for quite a while, and that you can now finally close that book and move on to another. Take the knowledge you gained through your work to heart, and listen to the advice given to you by those wiser than you, and you will soon be ready for a new journey. Your mother might just give you the insight you need, so pay attention to her words.

5. Summary of the year - Queen of Wands, 9 of Diamonds
Confidence and honest relationship - Power aquired through love
The Wand Suit is the Kingdom of the Work of Man, and the Queen of Wands - though she wears no crown - sits on her throne, her eyes on her King and her hand turned curiously towards her guests. She is a warm, passionate, and charismatic woman, and she speaks of creativity and boundless energy to make, do, travel, and entertain. She is a creator, and although she can be gentle and nurturing, and with a great love for her children, her energy and restlessness can burn those venturing too close to her fire. 9 of Diamonds speaks of an immense power that is found through love, and it is an unbreakable force that will bring strength unlike any other.
In relation to eachother, the Queen of Wands tells you that she found her power through her love - love for her King, for her Kingdom, and for her children - and that power is everlasting. Although the power burns hot, and might harm those not careful, it makes her light up the room with her radiating warmth and energy, humour and spirit. It makes her the queen that she is. In regards to your work, the Queen of Wands, reminds you to never let go of your love for it, even if it burns you. Stay confident, and honest, and take the power that your love gives you, and you will get through this year.

Your work will go through some unexpected changes, due to the choices you've made in the past, and you will have to face the consequences of of it all, and finally face the darkness within you. Your love for your work - your kingdom - will give you strength, and by listening to the advice given to you, and by staying true to yourself, you will achieve what you set out to do. The days of darkness are at an end, and so is your current path.

Home and Family

1. Beginning of the Year (Jan-Feb) - VIII Justice, King of Spades
Reasonable solutions, balance, impartial judgement - Deceiver, false guide
Justice tells you to take a step back and look at it all from a distance - see it from all sides - so you can give an unpartial adjudication. Seek balance, and reach solutions that are reasonable, gain the wisdom you need before making a choice. If you are unsure of something, it is important to weigh in all options - both good and bad - before you reach a conclusion. The King of Spades has reached its destination, and completed its journey. It speaks of uncertainty, things hidden in the darkness, of lies and deceit, and it represents someone that stands above you in some way - either as a parent, an older sibling, an employer, or simply someone that is older than you.
In relation to eachother, Justice tells you to stand back and not blindly trust the words of the King of Spades. You need to see things from different perspectives before taking your stand, or the King might shroud your vision with its darkness. In regards to your home and your family, there might be someone - maybe a relative? - that is trying to decieve you, acting as your King of Spades, and Justice is there to tell you not to let that someone do so. Do not get dragged down in the arguement, and instead take a step back to see the full picture. There might be things you have yet to see that might just tip the scale completely, so bide your time and make sure you weigh in all things before passing judgement.

2. First half of the year (Jan-Jun) - XIX The Sun, Queen of Hearts
Masculinity, optimism, creativity - a Medium of love
The Sun brings with it a time of joy and positive energy - as long as you take care not to venture too close to the fire. It speaks of masculinity, of happiness and optimism, and of creativity. There will come a time where things will be seen more clearly, all thanks to the Sun bringing light to your life. The Queen of Hearts acts as a medium of love, and is a source of endless love and affection, and an unmatched kindess.
In relation to eachother, the Queen of Hearts enters with the Sun, bringing love and light to your life, and that light will shine on your darkness and bring forth inspiration and clarity. In regards to your home and your family, this might speak of a person that will enter your life, bringing with it a clarity that you did not have before. Now that the King of Spades no longer clouds your vision, you can truly see the message of the Queen of Hearts, which brings nothing but love and good things your way in the shape of the radiating Sun. You've made your choice, and now you can enjoy the happiness that it caused. Just remember not to be careless, or your recklessness might destroy that which you have built, and you will get burned.

3. Second half of the year (Jul-Dec) - XVI The Tower - Ace of Clubs
Society, change, pride leads to fall - a Child
The Tower reminds you that if you are too proud, you will stumble and fall. There is change ahead of you, but before you can change the world around you, you must tear down the old one. The existing structures must be destroyed, if you are to make room for new ones. The Ace of Clubs, though normally representing a child, can also speak of something new - like a new home, or a new family member.
In relation to eachother, the Tower is telling you to tear down the old structures around you, to make a change, and to prepare for the arrival of something new. In regards to your home and your family, this could mean that you need to get rid of your old home to gain a new one, or to say good bye to a family member in order to welcome a new one. It could also mean that you need to change the structures of your home, to make room for something - or someone - that will share your home with you. Your life is moving towards a massive change, regarding your own home, and if you do not take notice of it and give it the attention it deserves, you might end up falling and ruining the chance of gaining something new and better. Whatever lies ahead, may it be a new family member, a new lover, a new friend, or a child, greet it with open arms and show it that you have already prepared for its arrival.

4. End of the year (Nov-Dec) - V The Hierophant, 4 of Hearts
Spiritual wisdom, guide, messenger - Cornerstones of love
The Hierophant stands as a bridge between the physical and the spiritual world, and acts as a medium and a guide for those around it. It acts as a messenger, sharing its wisdom with those in need of it, and reminds you to look inside yourself to find that which you need. The 4 of Hearts represents the basic cornerstones that love is built upon, and reminds you not to let those stones faulter.
In relation to eachother, the Hierophant is telling you to look inside you for the love that you posses, and to ensure that you have solid cornerstones that will help build a strong fundation that can serve as your bridge. In regards to your home and your family, it may refer to the home that you wish to build with your loved one, and you are reminded that you must use the wisdom given to you by the Hierophant to create the fundation on which you will build your house of love. Stay true to who you are, and whenever you feel lost you only have to look inside yourself to find that which you need.

5. Summary of the year - 6 of Chalices, 7 of Hearts
Relief obtained with simple things and people - A powerful love
The Chalices suit is the Kingdom of Pleasure, and the 6 of Chalices speaks of nostalgia and memories of a simpler time - a time of childhood, or old friendships. It represents a familiar joy, a connection with someone, or something, that always makes us feel happy. This joy, this connection, might be gained by looking through old pictures, remembering happier times, talking to a beloved family member, or catching up with old friends. It can even be something as simple as wearing a comfortable piece of clothing that you've had for a long time. The 7 of Hearts speaks of a powerful love, unlike any other love, that brings a strength that is simply unmatched.
In relation to eachother, they may tell you that there is a powerful love to be found if you look back and remember something that once was. A childhood friendship may have bloomed into an endless fire of love that no water can extinguish. In regards to your home and your family, this may mean that you will come to love an old friend like a sibling, or that you will develop a stronger relationship with a family member, and the bond of love between you and this person will be one that is unbreakable.

This year may be challenging when it comes to your home and family, as there are those who will try to decive you and lead you down the wrong path. But stay honest and true, see things from different perspectives before making your choice, and there will be love and light in your life. You may need to change the world around you, break it down, but it is only to make room for something new - something better. Build your foundation on a solid love, listen to the wisdom inside you, and when you look back you will find a powerful love unlike anything else you've ever encountered.

Money and Financial situation

1. Beginning of the Year (Jan-Feb) - I The Magician, Queen of Clubs
Crossroad, new ideas, options, choice - Medium of family and passion
The Magician tells you that you are at a crossroad, and in front of you are new options that can lead you to places you've never been before. You are filled with new ideas, and you have countless options and possibilities in regards to creating something new. Take iniative, and choose your path. The Queen of Clubs acts as a medium of family, and is a source of great passion as well as childlike behaviour.
In relation to eachother, the Magician tells you that the Queen of Clubs is bringing you some oppurtunities, and this brings you at the start of something new. In regards to your money and your financial situation, this could mean a new job, or a new source of income in general that will be represented to you through the Queen of Clubs. New ideas can bring you exciting new ways of earning money, if you are open for it. You stand at the crossroad, and you can now see the options in front of you, so now it's time to choose what you wish to do. Listen to the advice given to you by the Queen of Clubs, as she knows that family always comes first, and will make sure that your choice will help you support your family as well as your passion.

2. First half of the year (Jan-Jun) - XVIII The Moon, Ace of Diamonds
Femininity, the subconscious, dreams and fantasies - Power, money
The Moon speaks of the unknown, of the subconscious, and confusion, and of secrets hidden in the dark. It speaks of change, and the power to create, and of dreams and fantasies, telling you to follow along with it. There may be confusion ahead of you, but do not avoid it, as it will lead you to where you need to be. The Ace of Diamonds speaks of power, and of money, and often something newly aquired.
In relation to eachother, the Moon tells you that there is newfound money to be made in following your dreams and your innermost fantasies. There is power in your subconscious, and even if that power confuses you, you should press on. In regards to your money and your financial situation, it is quite clear that the Moon and the Ace of Diamonds are promising you the income that was previously mentioned, once you've made your choice and started on your new path. Trust in your own instincts as a woman, and you shall not be led astray - nor will you suffer financially.

3. Second half of the year (Jul-Dec) - XXI The World, 3 of Clubs
Triumph, the end of a circle, success and fulfillment - Femininity, a daughter
The World speaks of the ahcievement of a goal, and the triumph as you come to the end of your long journey after a struggle. You've completed a task that you set out to do, and that task was completed successfully, making you now ready for new journeys ahead. The 3 of Clubs speaks of the subconcious and the feminity within the Moon, though it also represents an offspring - a daughter.
In relation to eachother, the World tells you that you've successfully created that which you wanted to create, and your "offspring" is now done. In regards to your money and your financial situation, this might  mean that the task that you have now completed was creating something that can now bring you the money that you need. By following the path that was set before you, you now have achieved what you wanted to achieve, and you have the proof to show for it.

4. End of the year (Nov-Dec) - X The Wheel, 8 of Hearts
Fated change, new chapter - Eternal love
The Wheel of change is turning, telling you that you are now approaching a new chapter in life. This change is necessary, and was decided by fate itself, so there is no need to fight it. Remember that everything moves in a circle, and even though you may hit the bad parts of the Wheel, you must move through them to get to the good ones. Fate is spinning your Wheel now, so be ready for a change. The 8 of Hearts speaks of an eternal love that can never die, no matter what.
In relation to eachother, you must remember that even though fate makes your Wheel spin, the love you have aquired is everlasting and will not falter. It will stand by you, no matter what, and the changes that now approaches aren't as bad as they may seem on the surface. In regards to your money and your financial situation, this might mean that your previous income will suddenly come to an end, and there will be a moment of despair as you might believe that you are left to suffer financially. But do not worry, cause this is not the case. You are moving towards a new chapter, with an eternal love by your side, and this will bring you to a stronger and better financial situation.

5. Summary of the year - 7 of Wands, 5 of Spades
Foiled menace - An unknown union
The Wand Suit is the Kingdom of the Work of Man, and the 7 of Wands speaks of competition and disputes, and of people fighting against you. They may seem to disagree with the way you manags things, and the work that you do, but do not let them get to you. Stand your ground, stay your course, cause in the end you will emerge victorious. The 5 of Spades speaks of hidden or unforseen partnerships, a union that was not expected.
In relation to eachother, the 7 of Wands are telling you to keep fighting, because soon you will gain allies that you did not know you had, and together you will defeat your enemies. In regards to your money and your financial situation, this might mean that there will be people working against you, telling you that you cannot make money the way you have chosen, and that you need to stop or you will suffer financially. But you will gain support from somewhere you did not expect it, and this will help you to keep going down your path, and in the end you will prove everyone wrong by making the money you set out to make.

Financially speaking, this year you will set out on a new path that might bring you a new income. It may be confusing, and there will be people fighting against you, thinking that you are wrong, but stand your ground no matter what, follow your dreams, and you will see that you will accomplish that which you set out to do. You will gain the money you aimed for, and although the Wheels of change might turn, making it seem like the money will disappear, there is no need to despair. In the end, you will have allies, and love, supporting you and helping you to get it on the proper path that will lead you to new chapters.

Spiritual and Physical self

1. Beginning of the Year (Jan-Feb) - IV The Emperor, 2 of Diamonds
Power, control, authority, responsibility - Balanced power
The Emperor is here to teach you that being a leader has its burdens, and that all power comes with responsibility. He speaks of authority, and of being the father of his world, and how such a task can become heavy if one isn't prepared for it. There is a lot more to being in control than one might think, and you'd do well to remember that. The 2 of Diamonds speaks of creating a balance of power, urging you to work hard to maintain that balance, as overbalancing can topple the mountain.
In relation to eachother, the Emperor shows you the responsibility in front of you, while the 2 of Diamonds tells you to keep a steady balance on the power that responsibility brings. In regards to your spiritual and physical self, this could mean that if you are to be in control of yourself and your life, you need to make sure you keep your own power in balance. Taking charge requires a lot, and if you are to stand your ground as your own master, you will need to keep a calm mind and make sure you don't swerve to the sides.

2. First half of the year (Jan-Jun) - VI The Lovers, 4 of Clubs
Choice, love, trial - The basic physical needs
The Lovers speak of a difficult trial - a choice - that is ahead of you, quite possibly regarding love. You seem to be made to choose between two very different paths, and they urge you to think very carefully before making your choice. Now is a time to sit down and weigh in all options, making sure you are absolutely certain of your choice before making it. The 4 of Clubs speaks of basic physical needs, such as food, sleep, fluids, sex, and other basic needs that the physical body might have.
In relation to eachother, the choice the Lovers speak of will quite possibly make a great impact on your basic physical needs. One path might enhance certain needs, while another might just enhance some entirely different ones. In regards to your spiritual and physical self, these cards clearly speaks to the latter, telling you of a choice ahead of you and how it will affect you. Whatever you choose, make sure you're certain that the physical impact your choice will make is something that you are capable of dealing with.

3. Second half of the year (Jul-Dec) - XI Strength, 9 of Clubs
Courage, selfdicipline, strength - Physical love
Strength is here to give you the courage you need to face your dark side - your fears - and to lend you the power you need to fight the battle within you. It brings you wisdom, and reason, making it easier to show the dicipline you need in order to tame the darkness inside you. You can overcome your fears, and master them. 9 of Clubs speaks of pure, physical love, and the physical passion between two - or more - lovers.
In relation to eachother, Strength is telling you that it is time you overcome your fears when it comes to love on the physical plane. In regards to your spiritual and physical self, this is a matter of both parts, as the strength to overcome the physical fears comes from the spiritual courage found within. Look into the depths of your soul, find the strength you need inside you, and use that to overcome the fears that holds you back when it comes to the physical. Then you will find the passion and the love that can come from physical connection.

4. End of the year (Nov-Dec) - XVII The Star, 2 of Hearts
Hope, promises, renewal, inspiration, guidance - Balance in love
The Star shines upon you to bring you hope, and to remind you that there will always be light within the darkness. It brings promises of better times, of rebirth and life, new beginnings, and peace and order ofter a time of chaos and war. The Star offers safety and guidance, and it brings inspiration along with it. 2 of Hearts speaks of a balanced love, which is a hard balance to find. But once you have it, it will bring you peace.
In relation to eachother, the Star tells you that once you've fought your way through the chaos, you will find the balance in love that you need, and you will have order and hope once more. In regards to your physical and spiritual self, this is most likely a matter regarding the latterr, as there is a chaos inside you that has caused war and disorder in your soul. But the Star and the 2 of Hearts promises that love will find a way to clear the darkness, and bring a new life to your life and your soul, and a balance you never even knew you needed. Have hope - it is in the darkest times of the night that you can see the most brilliant of stars.

5. Summary of the year - King of Chalices, 8 of Diamonds
Maturity and awareness - Eternal power
The Chalices suit is the Kingdom of Pleasure, and the King of Chalices is a wise and generous ruler that governs the Kingdom with his sensitive and far sighted wife. He is a King that is understanding of emotions - and thus a master of his own - and his ambition is to have a Kingdom where everyone is emotional mature. He is fair in judging, and capable of putting himself in another's shoes, though he can, at times, be a bit too soft and sentimental. His family is everything, and there is nothing he wouldn't do for them. The 8 of Diamonds is a symbol of eternal power, as once it is aquired, it will never be lost.
In relation to eachother, the King of Chalices urges you to be aware of yourself, and those around you, and to show maturity in actions and emotions, and thus obtaining a power that will last forever. In regards to your spiritual and physical self, this could mean that you need to look within yourself, and get to know your emotions and who you truly are, and just like the King, you will find yourself to be an emotional person that will do anything for your loved ones. Take strength in knowing who you are, and find your inner power through it, and no one will ever be able to bring you down.

You have a challenging year ahead of you, filled with a spiritual and physical growth, and your physical self in particular will be greatly affected by it. Taking charge of yourself and your life requires a great power that brings along with it a lot of responsibility, but find the balance in that power, as soon you will be forced to make a very difficult choice. Whatever choice you make, it will have a great impact on your physical self, and you will eventually have to face your inner fears and overcome them. But do not fear, as there is always hope - a light at the end of the tunnel.

Love and Social life

1. Beginning of the Year (Jan-Feb) - IX The Hermit, Queen of Spades
Calm and loneliness, meditation, patience - Medium of secrets and the hidden
The Hermit tells you that you need to take some time to yourself, to get a little calm and quiet in your life. It speaks of contemplation and meditation, and urges you to take a time out from everything to do so. You are in search of wisdom, and you can only find that by looking into yourself. The Queen of Spades acts as a medium of the unknown, and she represents secrets and hidden things - as well as someone whom might be clouding your vision.
In relation to eachother, the Hermit is warning you against the Queen of Spades, telling you that someone might be keeping things from you, or clouding your vision, and that you need to take some time to yourself to figure things out. In regards to love and your social life, this could refer to someone close to you - a friend or a lover - that is causing darkness in your life, and thus the Hermit urges you to create some distance between you and this person. Have patience, and stay calm, and take the time you need on your own to figure things out, and you will manage to see through the dark clouds that the Queen of Spades is creating.

2. First half of the year (Jan-Jun) - XIV Temperance, Red Joker
New life, balance, compromise - Positive changed initiated by the self
Temperance speaks of new life, and of sharing ones feelings openly to discuss them peacefully and reach a common ground. It speaks of movement, of balance, and of letting go of the things that surpress us by being honest about how we're feeling. Temperance brings harmony and peace into your life, if you are open for it. The Red Joker speaks of a positive change that you have brought forth on your own.
In relation to eachother, Temperance tells you that the changes you are now making - as shown by the Red Joker - will bring good things to you. In regards to love and your social life, this clearly states that by being open and honest about your feelings, you will make a positive change in your life that is for the better for everyone. Do not be afraid to say what you mean, but do so in a peaceful way, cause through harmony there will be balance, and your life will turn around and bring more positive things your way - as long as you remember that this is something that has to be done by you.

3. Second half of the year (Jul-Dec) - XII The Hanged Man, 9 of Hearts
Voluntary sacrifice, own choices - Love
The Hanged Man speaks of sacrifice, but this is a sacrifice that has been done on ones own terms. It relates to ones own wisdom, thoughts, and choices, and of letting go of something valuable to make room for something of even greater value. He tells you that only through sacrifice can one gain the things one deserve. 9 of Hearts is the very symbol of pure, true love, and nothing but love.
In relation to eachother, the Hanged Man might just be telling you to let go of the love you currently have, because an even greater love awaits you - as promised by the 9 of Hearts. In regards to love and your social life, it is clear that this matter relates to love more than anything, and it is telling you that you need to let go of what you have. If you are in a relationship, you might need to break it up, or at least take a break, but if you are single then it might be telling you to let go of your single status and take a chance on love. If you're still in love with someone from your past, then it is time to put that love behind you and face what's ahead. True love is just around the corner, if only you are willing to make the sacrifice that is needed to be ready for that love.

4. End of the year (Nov-Dec) - VII The Chariot, 9 of Spades
Control, passion, victory after a hard fight - Unforseen love
The Chariot speaks about taking control of two opposites, and success after a hard battle. It speaks of passion - possibly related to work - and of balancing two very different things that normally would collide. Keep a hand on the reigns, or you will lose control, is the warning the Chariot gives you. The 9 of Spades speaks of an unforseen, or hidden, love. One that you did not expect, or did not dare believe in, or one that has been kept from you up until now.
In relation to eachother, the Chariot is telling you that if you gain control over the two major opposing forces in your life, a love that you did not expect will appear before you. In regards to love and your social life, this could speak of learning how to balance your passion for your work, and your general social life - as these are often two opposing forces - and how this might help you discover a new love that had so far been in the dark and thus unseen by you. It's been a hard fight, learning to juggle your work and your time with friends and loved ones, but you will be successful, and what you will discover is quite possibly the love of your life.

5. Summary of the year - 3 of Swords, 10 of Clubs
Labor, uncertain evolution - Source of passion, family core
The Sword suit is the Kingdom of Sorrow, and the 3 of Swords speaks of hardships and storms blowing towards you, trying to keep you back. It might be that someone wishes harm upon you, or is keeping secrets from you, making you feel like everything is going against you, but the 3 of Swords now state that said secrets will be revealed, and actions will be taken. It will hurt, but at least now you will know, and you can brace yourself for the harsh, cold winds that are blowing towards you. The 10 of Clubs speaks of the source of passion, a great resource regarding physical health, or the core of a family.
In relation to eachother, the 3 of Swords is telling you that there might be some hard times coming due to something caused by family or someone closely related to you, either by blood or through passion. In regards to love and your social life, it might mean that a secret might be revealed - someone telling you something that will hurt you - but even though it may seem difficult to handle, you will get through it. Now that you know what's going on, you will be able to gather the strength you need to fight your way through it. It might even be a relief to finally know, as there will be no more wondering and worrying about what might be wrong, and you will now know where things stand.

Your love life and your social life might suffer a bit this year, and in the very beginning you should take time to yourself to figure things out. Remember to stay open and honest about your feelings, and make changes where you see that things need to be changed, because if you are willing to give up the things you think you need, and fight to find a balance in things, you will discover a love that takes you by surprise - and that might just turn out to be the love of your life. A hardkept secret might be revealed this year, but it will just help you see the truth, and guide you to where you need to be.

Summary of the Year 2015

This year will be a year of change, as there will finally be an end to the darkness that is keeping you back, and light will now come to your life. Expect to work hard - keep your focus on your work - and you will see that your life might just be turn upside down - and it will be for the better. You will find your light, your strength, and you'll be able to finally see the right path to take that will guide you to where you need to be.
You've been suffering due to uncertainty and darkness regarding your feelings, giving you an emotional struggle that drained you, but light is coming to clear up that darkness and bring clarity to your life. This will affect you physically and help you regain your strength and your energy - after having lost something of importance - and like a phoenix you will arise from the ashes. You will see who you truly are, in the depth of your very existence, and this will bring you a power that will help you find the inspiration and motivation you need to start on a new project - and create your own reality. A new person might enter your life, bringing that said light with it, and this will help untangle the knots that had you tied down.


Beginning of the year; January & February
Regarding your work, there was a blockade - a darkness - keeping you from getting anywhere, but that darkness will now vanish, and you will gain the clarity and the light you need. You will see things from a new perspective, and you can finally cast away the olde, let it die, and be born anew. Your work is now ready to be what it is supposed to be.
There might be some trouble regarding your home and family, as there is someone - maybe a relative - that might be trying to deceive you and cloud your vision, but the best thing to do is to just step back and look at it all from a distance. There might be things you have yet to see that might just tip the scales completely, so bide your time and make sure you weigh in all the things before passing judgement.
When it comes to money, and your general financial situation, you are now at a crossroad, ready to decide which path to take. A new opportunity will present itself to you, promising a new source of income, and if you listen to the advice given, you will be able to make the right choice, and you will learn how to be able to support your family as well as your passion.
You are in the process of taking charge of yourself and your life, gaining the control and the power you desire, and you have to remember to keep a steady balance in that power to keep going. Taking charge requires a lot, and if you are to stand your ground as your own master, you will need to keep a calm mind and make sure you don't swerve to the sides.
This is a time of quiet and contemplation when it comes to love and your social life, and you should take that time to reflect upon things within yourself. Someone close to you - a friend or a lover - is causing darkness in your life, and you are urged to create distance between yourself and this person. Have patience, stay calm, and take the time you need to figure things out on your own, and you will be able to see through that darkness.


First half of the year; January - June
The choices you've made regarding your work and your hobbies will cause a massive change in the first half of the year, and you have to face the consequences of those choises and the changes they make. Your work might take an unexpected turn, but it is nothing to fear, as it was something that was meant to happen. You may need to change your approach to your work, due to the choices you've made in the past, but this new approach will be a better one, and it will steer you in on the path your work was meant to take.
Someone new will enter your life - possibly through family - bringing the sun with it and shining a light into your darkness, giving you a clarity you did not have before. After taking your stand against the one that was trying to cloud your vision, you will now face nothing but love - though you are warned not to be too careless. If you are too reckless, you might destroy that which you have built - your own home - and you will be burned.
Follow your dreams and your fantasies, because within your mind there are things hidden that will help you bring money into your life. Once you've made your choice regarding what to do, you should keep going with your own ideas as your guiding star, and you will not suffer financially. Just trust yourself, and your own instincts as a woman, and you shall not be led astray.
You have a hard choice ahead of you in the first half of the year, and that choice will affect you physically. You seem to be made to choose between two very different paths, and you are urged to think very carefully before making your choice. Whatever you choose will vastly affect your basic physical needs, and you have to make sure that the choice you make is the right one.
Just remember to be open and honest about your feelings, and discuss them peacefully if there is any debate to be made. You will reach a common ground, and there will be a positive change made to your lovelife that is brought on by your own actions. You will be able to keep moving forward, as you will be able to let go of the things that surpress you by being honest about what you're feeling.


Second half of the year; July - December
In the second half of the year you will be forced to face the darkness within you - your own fears and restraints. Look to the new person in your life - the one that brings the light with it - as that person will help you face things. The consequences, and the sudden and unexpected changes that was brought into your life and your work, that you were forced to face, was caused by the choices your own inner darkness took. It is now time to face those inner demons of yours - with the help and guidance from this new person - as it will help you reach a new conclusion and a better path regarding your work.
There will be a great change regarding your home and your family life, and in preparation for that change you will need to tear down the old structures around you. You might need to change the way things are in your own home - maybe by moving to a new one - as there is something new and important coming your way. Do not be too proud, or you will stumble and fall. Whatever lies ahead, may it be a new family member, a new lover, a new friend, or a child, greet it with open arms and show it that you have already prepared for its arrival.
The path you chose, regarding your work, brought you a new income, and by following those dreams and innermost fantasies of yours, you will finally reach the end of that path - and achieve your goals. You have done what you set out to do, so rejoice and take pride in that, because you emerged triumphant - and with the money you so desperately needed.
Facing the darkness within will not just alter your work for the better, but also yourself - both physically as well as spiritually. By facing your own fears - especially regarding your fear of love on the physical plane - will help you find a new strength and courage in yourself that you did not know that you had. Look into the depths of your soul and find that strength, and you will overcome all of your fears, and you will find the passion and the love that can come from physical connection.
But you must be ready to make some sacrifices. Hanging on to your old fears, and your darkness, might seem safe, but by giving up that safety that you have, you will find something new and better. True love is now approaching, and by facing your fears and overcoming them, you will make the sacrifice needed to be ready for this love.


End of the year; November & December
Towards the very end of the year, you will finally have finished the work you set out to do this year, and you can now let it go. You've worked so hard, walking your chosen path and nurturing your creation, and by doing so you've gained a wisdom that you previously did not have, and now this journey is at an end. It is time to close this book, and put it behind you so that you will be ready to start on a new one.
You might be starting a new home, with a loved one, and it is time to look inside for the love that you possess, as it will help you build a strong fundation for your home - both metaphorically as well as literally. Stay true to who you are, and whenever you feel lost you only have to look inside yourself to find that which you need.
The income that was brought to you by the choice you made might now come to an end, as you finished the task you set out to do. But do not fear, because the love that now stands by your side is an eternal one, and together you will face the turning of the wheels of fate, and you will see that this change will not bring you despair as you first thought. This new change will, instead, bring you to a stronger and better financial situation.
There is always hope, and after facing all of your fears and your darkness, you will have a new light in your life and your soul, and a balance you never even knew you needed. Love is there, by your side, and together you stand stronger than before, and your physical and spiritual self will certainly feel the positive effects of that.
You've focused a lot on your work this year, but now you'll finally find a good balance between your work and your social life, and you will discover a love you never even knew would come to you. All these changes, facing your own darkness and the consequences of the choices your inner demons had you make, brings a new light to your life through someone new, and although you might not have seen it coming, this love is an eternal one that will stand by you no matter what.

A lot of things to say

And to start off all of those things, I just want to apologize for not posting the reading as planned. Something came up in that reading that sparked something, and it caused some issues that needed to be figured out before I finally had to deal with them after figuring them out. But I did figure things out, and I have dealt with what needed to be dealt with, and today I finally sat down and finished interpreting the reading. It will be posted tomorrow - I promise.

And then, I'd like to say the most important thing of all: THANK YOU!

Though my birthday is on the 15th, I celebrated it last weekend - on the 10th - and even though I had some of the most stressful days I've ever had while preparing for it, I ended up having one of the best birthday parties ever. The people were amazing, the love and the support from my loved ones was mindblowing, and the gifts and the attention I got just rendered me speechless. I cannot even put into words how grateful I am for being surrounded by such warm, loving, and caring people that truly wishes nothing but the best for me.

The party was an absolute success - all thanks to the amazing help and support I've recived from those around me - and I was so happy to see that everyone loved the theme and participated in the weird games I had prepared. The enthusiasm everyone showed, and the many words of appreciation I got just brought tears to me eyes, and it warmed my heart like nothing else.

My friends, my family, my loved ones - a big thank you to you all! You've shown me how treasured I am, and how much I am cared for, and it brought a new warmth to my life that I did not even see that I needed. You have made an immense impact on me, and I can't even express how grateful I am for it. So, yet again, thank you to all of you, for absolutely everything. I truly love you all.

Thank you.


Then, on a different matter, I just have some minor things I just want to say. As some of you may have already picked up on, there has been one major change to my life, and that is my relationship status. Yes, I am now single again, and no, I'm not gonna say all that much about it, cause, really, it's between me and her, and it's really none of your business (even though I love you all and all my business is your business), but I am going to just make some things clear.

This was my decision, not hers. It was also the hardest decision I've ever made, and it crushed me to do it, but after three days of flat out arguing with my own mind - to the point where I just wanted to climb up on the nearest roof - it was the conclusion I reached. We were two broken people, taking turns in falling apart, and it wasn't healthy. We were on the verge of dragging eachother down, and I saw it all too clearly, and it broke my heart. It's not good for either of us. She's gorgeous, in so many ways, but she is also broken, and what she needs - and deserves - is someone that can be there for her and give her the attention and the support that is necessary for her to start fixing herself, and I just can't give her that. I'm too exhausted, and barely able to take care of myself - let alone anyone else - so I just do not have the capacity.

I'm still in love with her, yes, and I am so very fond of her, though I am not completely certain of my own feelings in the matter, or what kind of love I feel, and when I'm not certain then I do not feel like it is fair towards her to keep her there. I've been to that place where you're the one giving all of yourself to someone whom doesn't really know for sure if they love you back in that same way, and that someone just kept stringing me along until it completely broke me and made me uncapable of falling in love for years. I do not want to do that to her, cause she doesn't deserve it. What I wish for her now is for her to focus on herself, and her life, and on figuring things out - and I will do the same.

Just like I originally thought, I'm not ready for a relationship just yet. I still don't have the capacity needed for that, and I'd rather focus on finishing my work with myself and on gaining the strength I need before diving into something like that. But I thank her. I thank her for all the things she brought to my life, for the things she taught me about myself and so many other things, and for everything she gave me, because even though this only lasted a couple of months, it felt like years and I'm grateful for that time.

So there.
And that is all I want to say about the matter.

Moving along.

So, I will be 30 in a couple of days, and that is a rather big thing. The second teenage years - or so I've been told. And moving towards a big, round number like that has made me think about a lot of things, and most of those things is about my life and how I'm living it.

There will be a lot of changes this year, to a lot of things, and if I am to judge by the reading that I finished interpreting today, it's gonna be one hell of a year when it comes to finally figuring out where to go and what to do about this life of mine. There will be some major changes to my work - which is also going to be my main priority this year - that might just lead me to a better financial situation, and there will also be some changes made to my home and family situation. I don't know for certain what this year might bring, but whatever lies ahead, I will stand ready for it.


First up, however, is saying good bye to my dearest and most treasured friend, as this next weekend she will be leaving Norway and going back to New Zealand. It's going to be hard, because I'll miss her like hell, and I really do love having her around, but I'm just gonna keep hoping that one day she might just move her so I'll get to permanently have her close to me.
We're going down south in a couple of days, to visit my favourite city - Trondheim - and we're going to spend her remaining time here in Norway in a hotel there while just taking a general vacation from everything. I'm really looking forward to that, in a lot of ways, and hopefully that'll help me recharge a little bit.

A recharge is definitely needed.

When I come back home again, I need to do a little bit of damage control and pull myself together a little bit. My life - and myself - have been falling apart for a while, and I've just been ignoring that these past couple of months. It's time I put on the brakes and actually took some time to get a decent overview of things, and then regain control of my life once more. It's gonna be rough, and I'm guessing that all of February might just be me trying to rebuild the things that fell down while I was ignoring everything. There's a lot to do, but I'm confident that I'll be able to do it, as long as I just keep my focus on myself and don't get too distracted.

I'm moving towards that boss fight again, and by the looks of things it'll be one hell of a fight. The reading do speak of me having to face my darkness - my inner demons and my own fears - at some point this year, so I'm gonna take as much time as I need to gear up for that. Retreat and regroup, right? That was my plan, and I'm gonna stick to that, cause I am going to own that boss fight and emerge victorious from it.

It's time I stopped letting my fears control me. It's time I stopped letting her control me.

There is a lot of things to say about this new year, and how I feel that I am facing it with knowledge and strength I didn't have before now, but I think I'm just going to stop here. I've got an entire year to say all those things, so there's no need for me to use up all my words right at the start.

Come along for this fight through this dungeon of mine, and watch me defeat the boss ahead.
Change is approaching, and I'll be the one causing it.

New year, new realisations

Happy New Year, everyone, and welcome to 2015!
So, how's the new year treating us? Is it being nice? I hope so.

My resolutions turned to realisations.

For me, the year has gotten off to a weird start, I think. I'm not sure. I've been exhausted for quite a while now, in both body and mind, and so I've been sleeping long and just generally not being capable of much, and that exhaustion sort of followed me into the new year. And then things got weird on me, and I hit the mother of all rollercoaster days. I woke up before the alarm, so when the alarm actually did go off, I was awake and couldn't fall back to sleep. Why? My brain being overly active and being an asshole, of course. So, I got out of bed to try and distract it with all sorts of things - talking to my guest from the other side of the planet, eating, drawing, taking care of things, doing laundry, carrying stuff down into the basement - and it worked rather well. For a while.

I had to take a shower, which allowed for enough time to have my brain work on me, and as soon as I got out I just broke apart. Tears just kept on streaming as I slowly worked on trying to dress myself - I had no strength, neither physically nor mentally to do so - and when I finally got my clothes on I just collapsed on the floor and sat there, crying. I don't even know how long I cried, as the world around me just blurred out and disappeared, making me feel like I was trapped in some kind of hole that I'd never get out of. Not really the most pleasant point of the day, that.

Luckily I was torn out of that state by a knock on the door - I was hogging the bathroom, after all, and people needed to pee - so I pulled myself together and washed my face before getting out. But my energy was absolutely drained, so I just collapsed in front of the computer in an attempt to distract my mind for long enough while I regained myself. The world sort of blurred out on me again, and after a moment of long silence, I finally realized that I was alone. At some point, during my empty staring at the screen, my two roomies had left to do the things they needed to do, leaving me some well needed space. It took a while, though, before I properly managed to absorb that realisation, and so I just got out some paper and started to doodle until my mind finally reconnected.
I spent some time doodling and watching the Legend of Korra, which helped distract my mind pretty well, and I was finally reaching a better state of mind when there was some ruckus in the hallway, leading me to believe that the roomies were back. So I paused the episode and turned around - and saw nothing. I looked at my cat - she was sitting in the windowsill, staring at the hallway with her wtf face on - and then I instantly freaked out.

I'm used to all sorts of paranormal things - I've dealt with a lot of it in the past - so I never really freak out when anything happens. But this time I did. It was a major freak out, which led to a rather fragile state of mind where I got horribly paranoid and afraid of everything. Oh, so pleasant. I ended up downing a beer in one go, and then I did some ghost hunting with a sparkly pencil as my weapon (uhm, what?), and there was some ducking and rolling and whispering and freaking, and then some kid rang my doorbell, which led to a bloodcurdling scream that probably freaked the hell outta that kid, cause I stared into a pair of plate-sized eyes when I finally opened the door. He stammered out something about recycling cans, and I just told him we had none before closing the door on him. Not my shiniest moment, that.

I calmed down somewhat after making a semi-fort between the couch and the table, and wrapping a blanket around me as I got out the Wii U gamepad to play some Hyrule Warriors. The roomies arrived after a while, bringing food and a lethal milkshake that ended up backfiring pretty badly - horry sheet - and after some eating, killing, giving birth to a poop alien after the birthpains from hell - I think I reached the point where my mind broke, and everything made me giggle. I finally landed in the land of laughing fits, and I couldn't stop laughing at everything. Also, I was using one of Link's weapons, Epona (yes, a horse as a weapon, cause that's how Link rolls), and, you know, look at my horse - my horse is amazing. If you don't catch that reference, you've been to the wrong parts of the internet.

Anyway, after an eternity of laughing and goodness knows what else, I finally calmed somewhat and I dragged my exhausted body to bed. That... Was an interesting day. I'm pretty sure I visited every single type of emotion that day, giving me the mother of all rollercoaster rides, and draining me to the point where I really thought I wouldn't wake up the next day - nor did I want to.

And that night I had one of the most horrible dreams I've ever had.
It wasn't really a nightmare, or anything like that, but the realisation it brought kind of crushed me.

I had another dream night, where I kept going from dream to dream, and in the middle of all that dreaming, I got a visit. I was standing on a balcony, looking out towards Sweden in the distance, watching them shoot up fireworks, and there was a pregnant lady beside me that had held some sort of significant role in the original dream (there was one other person there as well, but I can't remember anything about him/her), and then I turned to look inside.
There was a male lion there, and I felt an instant rush of panic and fear, wondering how there could be a lion in the house, but before I could react it pounced on me, trying to bite me. I grabbed hold of it, shouting to the other two on the balcony to have them run away while I was distracting the lion, and somehow I managed to push it over the railing so it fell down to the ground. I looked down, and saw it lying on top of the corpses of two other lions, and when I looked back to the door again, there was tiger coming for me. And a lion, and a cat, and a dog, and a wolf, and every animal that I have dreamt were my protectors - my spiritual guardians. And they all attacked me, trying to kill me.

I fought them for a long time, and the dream sort of blurred into itself, until I found myself sitting on the floor, growling at the dog - a female border collie - to show dominiance. The wolf was beside me, wanting to attack, but I was somewhat keeping it at bay with my hands as I looked around me to look at the others. And then it dawned on me. My protectors, my guardians, were all attacking me because I had lost contact with myself. I did not know who I was anymore, and I was being untrue to myself, and they needed to teach me that. As I realised that, they all seemed to calm down some, though they were still hostile, and I knew that I would have to tame them all over again to have them accept me, and to find my way back to myself.

And then the dream was over.

I woke up the next day with a giant lump in my stomach, and a horrible dread eating on me. Sometimes, we have dreams that makes us wake up and think "oh, wow, that has got to mean something!" but I feel like I went beyond that. I already knew, in my dream, what the dream was trying to tell me, and that knowledge hangs over me even while awake.

So, after waking up, and some distractions, I finally sat down to properly work on my 2015 reading for the year to come. I did a reading, like the one I did last year, though not as massive, but it's been taking me a while to work on interpreting it all. That dream was just the kick in the butt that I needed to get to working on that. Which is basically what I've been doing the entire day, without any breaks.

I have to say, so far the cards - and the runes - have been telling me things I think I already knew, but that I was refusing to accept. I can see, now, what has caused me to lose touch with who I am, as there are certain areas where I have not stayed true to myself. And the most important area is this inner fight of mine that I have been ignoring these past months. This dungeon that I am still stuck in. I have yet to lift a finger to try and get myself out of here, as I've been too busy pushing all that away and focusing on other things.

I need to stop.

A full hault, in every way, and create some space. I cannot let myself be distracted by anything, or anyone, because if I keep ignoring myself, I will fall apart again, and she will win. Even my own protectors are about to turn on me, because I've been negleting them, and myself, and that in itself should be warning enough.

This year will bring about some pretty big changes, and I need to be prepared for them. I need to finish this fight of mine, and face that last boss, so that I'll be ready to take on whatever comes next. But I need to do this on my own. I can't rely on others, and, unfortunately, I can't really focus on others either. I know there are those that need me, that need my strength or my advice, but for now I need to push them all away and focus on myself. I've been so busy with everything around me, that I failed to see that I am falling apart at the seams.

I'm hanging over the edge, there is just a couple of threads left that are keeping me there, and I am so horribly close to falling, and I failed to see that.

But now I know. I'm aware of what I have done to myself, so now I can work on fixing that. First off, I'll finish interpreting this reading of mine - it's taking it's time, as there is a lot to process - and when I am done with that, and I've got it posted (I'll probably get it up tomorrow, or maybe even later tonight), then I'll need to sit down for a long time and think. You know, in about 4 days, I'm going to host my own birthday party, and I haven't done anything about it, because it, along with myself, have been completely ignored. Time to take charge again, and focus on me, myself, and I. And the rest of us.

I'll be 30 in a little over a week from now - the 15th of January. And I've now been awake for three whole years. I can't lose sight of the big picture in this, after all of the work I've done these past three years. It wouldn't be fair to myself, or anyone else for that matter. Stand your ground, stay your course. Keep on fighting, but do so for your own sake, and not for anyone else's.

I live for me. Not for the world.