I've been working on this project of mine for well over 20 years now, as many may know, and it's all been progressing in one specific line over those years, up until the point just recently where I decided to rewrite things. This decision has had quite the impact on things, in many ways. But most importantly, it has made me re-think how to share these stories. I've been saying books for many, many years now, and it's been the main plan all this time that I'm working on writing books. But, maybe, just maybe, books aren't right after all.
As I was trying to sleep a while back, just right after I had started the re-write by adding the newcommers, I was trying to imagine certain scenes and how they would be after the change. And new scenes just came pouring in, to add to the story, and they were all in the form of pictures - drawings. More specifically; manga drawings. And the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. The visual images I have related to my stories are so strong and important, that I feel that books aren't enough to portray these images. Maybe a manga would be better.
Besides, making a manga out of it would help me reach the audience I actually want to reach, way better than I think books would. The more I think about it, the more it makes sense to me, this idea.
Do you know where these stories originated? Where and how I began it all?
The stories all came from Elizabeth, whom I've mentioned before in my journal (for those who can't remember, she was my "imaginary" friend when I was a kid), as she always told me stories of these worlds when I was lonely and feeling sad. I used to doodle a lot, as a way to attach these stories to my reality, and that I started so early that I can't even remember the first time I did so. I was pretty young, so it was long before I even started school. That's where things originated.
The first time I actually started drawing and making up an actual story was right after The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time came out, and I got to play it. I was about 12 at the time, I think, and OoT made me want to create my own game. The first story I wrote and drew back then was not a part of the world Elizabeth used to tell me about, as it was something new that I made up, and I originally meant for it all to be a game. That was my dream back then. Still kind of is, and I don't think I'll ever give up on that.
But the first and original stories that I started writing down, as a part of that world Elizabeth introduced me to, with the actual intent to publish something, was not meant to be books. The story of Teen Warriors - the story that kind of started it all for me - was originally intended to be an anime. And this has never changed, as in the later stories, that anime was actually made real and published, and many of the characters make references to the anime. This is such a vital part of my stories that I feel that it can't be changed no matter what. And one day, I do hope I get to make that anime real.
Looking back, seeing where things originated, and what the idea was when I first started properly writing on these stories, I see that a manga isn't too bad an idea. Maybe that's the way it was supposed to be, all along.
But if I am ever to create a manga, I'd have to hire someone to draw it for me. I can write the dialog, and sketch down the general idea, but actually drawing it is not something my skills can do. But, I'll worry about that when the time comes.
Now that I'm changing so many things, it has made me want to change the general design of this project as well. I've already decided to not use the original logo I had when I first started out on this project - back when the project was known as Tales of the Night - which is the logo I have tattooed on my arm (the ankh and the crescent moon). That was something I decided on years ago, when that logo became the symbol of the main organisation in the stories - Crevida - instead. Every member of the organisation has the symbol tattooed on them as proof that they are members. I suppose that technically makes me a member then, since I've got it tattooed, haha! But, yes, the logo has been removed, and these past ccouple of years the night theme and the dark colours have been removed as well.
And now I think it's time to make a new design for it all. The new name of the project is, as many may already know, Tales of Arcaiia, and it has been the name for many years now. But the new design of it all is something I've yet to decide on. I still haven't even found a new logo that I feel would best represent Arcaiia. Up until now, I've kept using the ankh and the crescent moon symbol, since it's still such a vital part of the stories, but the idea all along was for it to just be a stand-in kind of thing. I need to find the replacement now.
I'm partly excited about coming up with a new design, but I'm also kind of nervous. There's a part of me that fears that I might not be able to come up with anything good, and that I'll just keep struggling with it and never really getting anywhere with my work. But I know it's a silly thing to fear, and that I just need to ignore it and sit down to at least start working on ideas and suggestions.
And, I need to figure out the design of the web page.
I bought a page a while back, but I've yet to make anything of it, cause web design is definitely not something I have any clue about. I don't even know how you magically create a page that people can visit. I'm pretty sure I'll have to hire someone to make me the page I want, but that will require money, and we all know I don't have much of that. So, still not sure what to do about this issue. I've tried googling the matter, but for some reason I just can't find a good explanation on what the hell to do. Heh, I guess I'm just hopeless.
I really do feel that this change is right, and necessary. There's something in the back of my mind telling me that the world has been waiting for a long time on this change. It was meant to happen - I've just been slow in making it happen cause my focus has been elsewhere. If I just keep working and focusing on this, I'm pretty sure I'll reach some kind of amazing eureka moment, and everything will finally make sense.
That is, at least, what I feel.
fredag 21. februar 2014
tirsdag 18. februar 2014
Appearance
Today we're talking about physical appearance. As in, beauty and all that.
Appearance isn't everything, they say. Most of the people who say that are lying, cause some of them care more about appearance than anything else. Me? I both agree and disagree. In the end, appearance isn't the most important thing, so, yeah, I guess you could say that I agree that appearance isn't everything. But it does matter, that much is certain.
But that's not the point of this entry.
I want to talk about my appearance and my relationship with it.
I've often said that I don't care about my own appearance, and that is quite correct. Some people call me a lier, cause obviously I care about my appearance due to the way I dress and how I used to do my makeup when I was younger, but they're very wrong. When I say that I don't care about my appearance, then I mean that I don't care whether I am pretty or not. I don't spend loads of time on making myself look pretty, neither through the use of clothes nor makeup. What I do, however, spend loads of time on, is making my outer reflect my inner. There's a difference.
I dress the way I dress because my style reflects my personality. It's to show who I truly am, on the inside. And the way I used to do all sorts of crazy makeup on myself when I was younger was for the same reason. To share myself with the world. Because, simply, I don't care much about my own appearance, in the form of beauty. I only care if I can portray my inner self on the outside through my style, and my attitude.
I am overweight, in case you didn't know. Over these past couple of years, I've gained as much as 25kg due to the fibromyalgia kicking in. Here, I can even prove it by showing you this amazingly gorgeous picture of my semi-nude self:
See? I am a slightly big woman. And, you know what? That don't bother me.
I've never had an issue with weight. I've been this big before, several years ago, and before that, as well as after that, I've been as low as 60kg. It's up and down, depending on how active I am. I've never gone on a diet, nor will I ever go on one, and I've never watched what I eat or done regular training or workouts. Why? Because my appearance don't matter to me.
It's my style that I focus on, and spend energy on showing. As well as my personality. Cause, let's face it, you could be the most beautiful person in the world, but with a crap personality you're just worthless.
Quote from Doctor Who:
"You know when sometimes you meet someone so beautiful — and then you actually talk to them and five minutes later they're as dull as a brick; but then there's other people. And you meet them and you think, "Not bad, they're okay," and when you get to know them ... their face just, sort of, becomes them, like their personality's written all over it, and they just — they turn into something so beautiful."
About 99% of the people (read: women) I know have huge problems with their appearance. And their biggest issue? Their weight. I don't even know how often I see some of them write about how they hate themselves because their appearance don't match their ideals, and how determined they are to change themselves to be more happy. Although, that determination is pretty up and down, to be honest. One week I see them checking in at the gym every day, being so hardworking and proud of themselves, while the next it's all quiet.
It's all about change. When you care about appearance, you're all about changing yourself. You're going to make yourself a better person, and then people will love you, and you'll be happy! Yay!
A small part of me can understand that. I had a lot of self-esteem issues in the past. Not appearance-related, mind you. It was my self-worth and my personality that was crap, in my own eyes, and needed changing. I had to become a better person, and then people would love me, and I would be happy! Yay!
Yay?
Something did change. And that was that I stopped wanting to be someone else. I stopped wanting to change myself. Instead I focused on seeing myself for who I truly was, and learning to accept and love that person. I do that now, and I've never been happier. It was never about becoming a better person or having other people love me. It was all about me learning to love myself, flaws and everything.
And that applies very much to my appearance. I don't care much about it because I am still me, no matter what I look like. And I love me. So why would I want to change? Why should I spend lots of time suffering over the fact that I don't meet the ideals of how women should look, according to public magazines? Why should I deny myself to eat chocolate and drink beer - which makes me happy - whenever I want just to get an appearance that others will like? Why should I spend hours and money going to the gym, torturing myself, just to meet the ideals of others? Why? Because that is supposed to make me happy? Nope. Sorry. I don't buy that.
I am happy. I dare say that I am happier than most of the people (again, read: women) that I know. I dare say that I spend way more time smiling at myself in the mirror than they do. And I definitely dare say that I love myself way more than they love themselves.
And I just want to wrap this up by sharing my viewpoint on the topic of beauty that has helped me get to the point where I am right now. The main reason for why I don't care about my own appearance.
I don't really find my kind of appearance to be pretty. It is not to my taste, so I don't find it attractive. I'm decent looking, kind of average, neither beautiful nor ugly. And that don't mean shit to me cause I'm not suppose to date myself, am I? I'm not supposed to find myself attractive! Because, you know what? The person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with will think that I'm the most beautiful person they've ever met! Why? Firstly, it's cause my personality is just damned awesome. Haha! But, most importantly, it's because my kind of appearance is just their kind of taste. It's as simple as that.
My appearance don't matter to me, because it's so much more important for me to be comfortable with the kind of person I am, so I know that I can live with myself. Living with my appearance is something I'll be leaving to my future significant other.
Learn to love yourself, and care a little less about how you look!
I promise you'll be so much more happy.
Appearance isn't everything, they say. Most of the people who say that are lying, cause some of them care more about appearance than anything else. Me? I both agree and disagree. In the end, appearance isn't the most important thing, so, yeah, I guess you could say that I agree that appearance isn't everything. But it does matter, that much is certain.
But that's not the point of this entry.
I want to talk about my appearance and my relationship with it.
I've often said that I don't care about my own appearance, and that is quite correct. Some people call me a lier, cause obviously I care about my appearance due to the way I dress and how I used to do my makeup when I was younger, but they're very wrong. When I say that I don't care about my appearance, then I mean that I don't care whether I am pretty or not. I don't spend loads of time on making myself look pretty, neither through the use of clothes nor makeup. What I do, however, spend loads of time on, is making my outer reflect my inner. There's a difference.
I dress the way I dress because my style reflects my personality. It's to show who I truly am, on the inside. And the way I used to do all sorts of crazy makeup on myself when I was younger was for the same reason. To share myself with the world. Because, simply, I don't care much about my own appearance, in the form of beauty. I only care if I can portray my inner self on the outside through my style, and my attitude.
I am overweight, in case you didn't know. Over these past couple of years, I've gained as much as 25kg due to the fibromyalgia kicking in. Here, I can even prove it by showing you this amazingly gorgeous picture of my semi-nude self:
See? I am a slightly big woman. And, you know what? That don't bother me.
I've never had an issue with weight. I've been this big before, several years ago, and before that, as well as after that, I've been as low as 60kg. It's up and down, depending on how active I am. I've never gone on a diet, nor will I ever go on one, and I've never watched what I eat or done regular training or workouts. Why? Because my appearance don't matter to me.
It's my style that I focus on, and spend energy on showing. As well as my personality. Cause, let's face it, you could be the most beautiful person in the world, but with a crap personality you're just worthless.
Quote from Doctor Who:
"You know when sometimes you meet someone so beautiful — and then you actually talk to them and five minutes later they're as dull as a brick; but then there's other people. And you meet them and you think, "Not bad, they're okay," and when you get to know them ... their face just, sort of, becomes them, like their personality's written all over it, and they just — they turn into something so beautiful."
- Amy Pond
About 99% of the people (read: women) I know have huge problems with their appearance. And their biggest issue? Their weight. I don't even know how often I see some of them write about how they hate themselves because their appearance don't match their ideals, and how determined they are to change themselves to be more happy. Although, that determination is pretty up and down, to be honest. One week I see them checking in at the gym every day, being so hardworking and proud of themselves, while the next it's all quiet.
It's all about change. When you care about appearance, you're all about changing yourself. You're going to make yourself a better person, and then people will love you, and you'll be happy! Yay!
A small part of me can understand that. I had a lot of self-esteem issues in the past. Not appearance-related, mind you. It was my self-worth and my personality that was crap, in my own eyes, and needed changing. I had to become a better person, and then people would love me, and I would be happy! Yay!
Yay?
Something did change. And that was that I stopped wanting to be someone else. I stopped wanting to change myself. Instead I focused on seeing myself for who I truly was, and learning to accept and love that person. I do that now, and I've never been happier. It was never about becoming a better person or having other people love me. It was all about me learning to love myself, flaws and everything.
And that applies very much to my appearance. I don't care much about it because I am still me, no matter what I look like. And I love me. So why would I want to change? Why should I spend lots of time suffering over the fact that I don't meet the ideals of how women should look, according to public magazines? Why should I deny myself to eat chocolate and drink beer - which makes me happy - whenever I want just to get an appearance that others will like? Why should I spend hours and money going to the gym, torturing myself, just to meet the ideals of others? Why? Because that is supposed to make me happy? Nope. Sorry. I don't buy that.
I am happy. I dare say that I am happier than most of the people (again, read: women) that I know. I dare say that I spend way more time smiling at myself in the mirror than they do. And I definitely dare say that I love myself way more than they love themselves.
And I just want to wrap this up by sharing my viewpoint on the topic of beauty that has helped me get to the point where I am right now. The main reason for why I don't care about my own appearance.
I don't really find my kind of appearance to be pretty. It is not to my taste, so I don't find it attractive. I'm decent looking, kind of average, neither beautiful nor ugly. And that don't mean shit to me cause I'm not suppose to date myself, am I? I'm not supposed to find myself attractive! Because, you know what? The person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with will think that I'm the most beautiful person they've ever met! Why? Firstly, it's cause my personality is just damned awesome. Haha! But, most importantly, it's because my kind of appearance is just their kind of taste. It's as simple as that.
My appearance don't matter to me, because it's so much more important for me to be comfortable with the kind of person I am, so I know that I can live with myself. Living with my appearance is something I'll be leaving to my future significant other.
Learn to love yourself, and care a little less about how you look!
I promise you'll be so much more happy.
mandag 17. februar 2014
Energy-crisis
The annoying lack of energy has got to be the most troublesome part of having fibromyalgia. I never seem to have energy for anything at all, and most of the time I'm just stuck in my chair while wishing I could get up and do something. I know a portion of this is due to laziness, that I'm well aware of and not ashamed to admit, but most of it is due to lack of energy. I'm just constantly drained, and saving up energy is really, really difficult.
The treatment I'm getting now seems to be helping on my pain, cause I'm in a lot less pain now than what I was about a month ago. But so far it hasn't helped against the lack of energy. I'm still as tired as ever, and it's really annoying. Especially considering how much I really need to get done these days.
I'm not even going to talk about the apartment anymore, cause I'm tired of repeating myself regarding its state. Needless to say, I'm not done yet.
Sure, the pain can be annoying, as in it makes it difficult for me to lift things or move heavy things around. I may not be troubled with horrible aches these days, but the pain is still there if I poke it. And I poke it every time I try to lift something, so hah. But it's something I can live with, and I don't really mind being in pain. I'm pretty used to it now, so I know how to deal with it.
But not having energy is what kills me, cause it kills my will as well. I've got tons of things I want and need to do, but since I have no energy to do it all I just lose all my will to do any of it. And it makes me even lazier. It's a horrible circle, and I just can't seem to get out of it. And the worst part is that it's starting to eat its way on my mood, and making me feel down. And we all know I hate feeling down!
I'm not sure how to fix this. I mean, there's got to be a solution to it, I'm sure of it. I just need to find that solution. But as it is right now, I can't for the life of me think of a single thing that might help me find it. Hngh! So annoying.
I'd end the entry right there if it wasn't for the fact that it's such a depressive place to end an entry. I don't like depressive endings!
So, uh....
In more upbeat news, I'm almost done with my current art goal of doing lineart portraits of all the new characters that are being added to my stories! Right now I've got as many as 27 portraits sketched out and done lineart on, and I'm currently working on putting lineart on the 28th. It was supposed to be the last one, but 28 is such a half-assed number so I'll be sketching out two more so I at least have 30 of them. It's a nice and round number, it is. Hehe..
But yeah, things are going really well on that front, cause info just keeps pouring in about these newcommers, and it's even including a whole new dimension with tons of info on it! Things are really starting to make sense now, and I feel like I'm close to some kind of gigantic eureka moment of some kind. I don't know. But it's exciting, at least. So, yay!
When one part of your life is being difficult, find the good parts and focus on them instead!
Love you all~
The treatment I'm getting now seems to be helping on my pain, cause I'm in a lot less pain now than what I was about a month ago. But so far it hasn't helped against the lack of energy. I'm still as tired as ever, and it's really annoying. Especially considering how much I really need to get done these days.
I'm not even going to talk about the apartment anymore, cause I'm tired of repeating myself regarding its state. Needless to say, I'm not done yet.
Sure, the pain can be annoying, as in it makes it difficult for me to lift things or move heavy things around. I may not be troubled with horrible aches these days, but the pain is still there if I poke it. And I poke it every time I try to lift something, so hah. But it's something I can live with, and I don't really mind being in pain. I'm pretty used to it now, so I know how to deal with it.
But not having energy is what kills me, cause it kills my will as well. I've got tons of things I want and need to do, but since I have no energy to do it all I just lose all my will to do any of it. And it makes me even lazier. It's a horrible circle, and I just can't seem to get out of it. And the worst part is that it's starting to eat its way on my mood, and making me feel down. And we all know I hate feeling down!
I'm not sure how to fix this. I mean, there's got to be a solution to it, I'm sure of it. I just need to find that solution. But as it is right now, I can't for the life of me think of a single thing that might help me find it. Hngh! So annoying.
I'd end the entry right there if it wasn't for the fact that it's such a depressive place to end an entry. I don't like depressive endings!
So, uh....
In more upbeat news, I'm almost done with my current art goal of doing lineart portraits of all the new characters that are being added to my stories! Right now I've got as many as 27 portraits sketched out and done lineart on, and I'm currently working on putting lineart on the 28th. It was supposed to be the last one, but 28 is such a half-assed number so I'll be sketching out two more so I at least have 30 of them. It's a nice and round number, it is. Hehe..
But yeah, things are going really well on that front, cause info just keeps pouring in about these newcommers, and it's even including a whole new dimension with tons of info on it! Things are really starting to make sense now, and I feel like I'm close to some kind of gigantic eureka moment of some kind. I don't know. But it's exciting, at least. So, yay!
When one part of your life is being difficult, find the good parts and focus on them instead!
Love you all~
søndag 9. februar 2014
Fear, masks and chains
I had an epiphany yesterday.
I was reading through some entries in an old blog of mine from 2012, where I was writing a lot about my past and my problems. And I kept mentioning the "thing" inside my head, the biggest fear in my life, and I remember that I've talked about that "thing" on several occasions. I've even mentioned it in this blog, if I'm not mistaken.
I remember the fear I had for that "thing", and how I feared it would destroy the world if it ever got out. I had nightmares about it, and one - drunken - time even made a friend of mine promise to chain me up if I ever changed to make sure the "thing" wouldn't have me hurt someone. It was such a horrible fear, and one I kept with me for many, many years.
The "thing" was a person. A woman. I remember that I never managed to see what she looked like, but I saw colours tied to her. A kind of lighter blue-ish colour, and silver. And every part of me always told me that she was evil, and that she had been locked away in the depths of my mind for a reason. She was bad news, and she was the one making me do bad things and hurt those around me. And I hated her. All my life, I feared and hated her.
And yesterday, I realized who she was.
These past years I haven't had that fear of her. I haven't even noticed her in the back of my mind. And, it's simply because she's not there anymore. She's finally free and out in the open.
And she's me.
The "thing" I feared so much and kept chained down in the back of my mind, was myself. The "me" that kept calling her evil and making me fear her were those masks of mine that I've been struggling to get rid of. The fake me chained down the real me, and put a lid on it to make me forget about it.
The real me, the person I truly am, was in a slumber, chained down by gods only know what, and the masks were there to keep those chains in place.
I learned early on, in my childhood, to put on masks and play the roles people wanted me to play. I was never accepted for who I was, so I had to be someone else all the time. Who that someone else was depended a lot on the people around me, and what they expected of me. I suppose it's a common thing, really. We all play our roles, pretending to be someone that people will accept and love, because we fear rejection. We're insecure, unsure of ourselves, and so we invent new versions of us that we can put on as masks, and be accepted.
My biological father started the insecurity in me, by always yelling at me no matter what I did. I never felt like I was good enough. And the rest of the family followed up by always judging me. In the end, I became so accustomed to wearing masks, that the real me was hidden away deep within my mind, locked in chains, and in a deep sleep. The masks taugt me that the real me was something to fear, because if I was ever myself, I wouldn't be loved. People would reject me, and the ones who said they loved me would leave. The masks, and the people around me, taught me all that. And so the people around me helped me create new masks to protect myself. My ex was one of the people that created one of the hardest masks, with such deep roots that it seemed impossible to remove.
And over time, I forgot about the person that had been chained down in the depths of my mind. I only remembered the fear, and the person became a thing I thought would destroy me and the world around me. I feared and hated that thing, because that's what the masks told me to. I grew dependent on the masks, cause they kept me safe from everything, and most importantly from the thing in my head.
When I hit the bottom a couple of years back, and I died... It broke the chains. I didn't realize it at the time, cause I was so busy working my way through things, and suddenly awakening as who I truly was, but I see it now. And it all makes sense.
The real me woke up, broke free of the chains, and came out in the open, and in doing so I cracked the masks that had chained me up. I still have them, those masks of mine, but they're all cracked and put away. I don't need them anymore, cause I know who I am. I'm not afraid of being rejected or left, cause I know that if people truly love me, they'll love me for me and not for my masks. I'm proud of who I am, with all my flaws and faults, so I have no need for hiding myself. I have no need for masks anymore.
I keep the masks as a reminder of the mistakes I did. To make sure I don't invent new masks. They hang on my wall, cracked and horrible, and whenever I look upon them, I know that I will never again wear one. Never again will I let anything or anyone chain me down, cause now I am free, and I am stronger than ever.
I am me.
I was reading through some entries in an old blog of mine from 2012, where I was writing a lot about my past and my problems. And I kept mentioning the "thing" inside my head, the biggest fear in my life, and I remember that I've talked about that "thing" on several occasions. I've even mentioned it in this blog, if I'm not mistaken.
I remember the fear I had for that "thing", and how I feared it would destroy the world if it ever got out. I had nightmares about it, and one - drunken - time even made a friend of mine promise to chain me up if I ever changed to make sure the "thing" wouldn't have me hurt someone. It was such a horrible fear, and one I kept with me for many, many years.
The "thing" was a person. A woman. I remember that I never managed to see what she looked like, but I saw colours tied to her. A kind of lighter blue-ish colour, and silver. And every part of me always told me that she was evil, and that she had been locked away in the depths of my mind for a reason. She was bad news, and she was the one making me do bad things and hurt those around me. And I hated her. All my life, I feared and hated her.
And yesterday, I realized who she was.
These past years I haven't had that fear of her. I haven't even noticed her in the back of my mind. And, it's simply because she's not there anymore. She's finally free and out in the open.
And she's me.
The "thing" I feared so much and kept chained down in the back of my mind, was myself. The "me" that kept calling her evil and making me fear her were those masks of mine that I've been struggling to get rid of. The fake me chained down the real me, and put a lid on it to make me forget about it.
The real me, the person I truly am, was in a slumber, chained down by gods only know what, and the masks were there to keep those chains in place.
(Mask art by Candra from deviantArt)
I learned early on, in my childhood, to put on masks and play the roles people wanted me to play. I was never accepted for who I was, so I had to be someone else all the time. Who that someone else was depended a lot on the people around me, and what they expected of me. I suppose it's a common thing, really. We all play our roles, pretending to be someone that people will accept and love, because we fear rejection. We're insecure, unsure of ourselves, and so we invent new versions of us that we can put on as masks, and be accepted.
My biological father started the insecurity in me, by always yelling at me no matter what I did. I never felt like I was good enough. And the rest of the family followed up by always judging me. In the end, I became so accustomed to wearing masks, that the real me was hidden away deep within my mind, locked in chains, and in a deep sleep. The masks taugt me that the real me was something to fear, because if I was ever myself, I wouldn't be loved. People would reject me, and the ones who said they loved me would leave. The masks, and the people around me, taught me all that. And so the people around me helped me create new masks to protect myself. My ex was one of the people that created one of the hardest masks, with such deep roots that it seemed impossible to remove.
And over time, I forgot about the person that had been chained down in the depths of my mind. I only remembered the fear, and the person became a thing I thought would destroy me and the world around me. I feared and hated that thing, because that's what the masks told me to. I grew dependent on the masks, cause they kept me safe from everything, and most importantly from the thing in my head.
When I hit the bottom a couple of years back, and I died... It broke the chains. I didn't realize it at the time, cause I was so busy working my way through things, and suddenly awakening as who I truly was, but I see it now. And it all makes sense.
The real me woke up, broke free of the chains, and came out in the open, and in doing so I cracked the masks that had chained me up. I still have them, those masks of mine, but they're all cracked and put away. I don't need them anymore, cause I know who I am. I'm not afraid of being rejected or left, cause I know that if people truly love me, they'll love me for me and not for my masks. I'm proud of who I am, with all my flaws and faults, so I have no need for hiding myself. I have no need for masks anymore.
I keep the masks as a reminder of the mistakes I did. To make sure I don't invent new masks. They hang on my wall, cracked and horrible, and whenever I look upon them, I know that I will never again wear one. Never again will I let anything or anyone chain me down, cause now I am free, and I am stronger than ever.
I am me.
torsdag 6. februar 2014
My family from another world
My main focus these days is working on Xerion, the organisation where all the newcommers to my stories work, but every now and then I take a break from that and just sit down and scribble things down about the main cast of my stories. More specifically, I tend to focus a lot on Kj and Thomas, and their amazing relationship. It's gotten to be a very central part of my stories, I've discovered.
Today, while I was doing some tidying in the livingroom, I tried to find a good way to explain their relationship, and the general feel that's between them and the rest of the main cast, and I came up with this room. And I want to share this room with you all.
In the middle of this decent sized room, there's a rather large couch, standing right on the middle of the floor. It's similar to the couch I have in my livingroom, with just one back and one part of the seats sticking out, only that it's a lot larger so there's room for more people. On the part that sticks out, there's Kj, lying on her stomach, surrounded by various doodles and pencils and pens. She's got a pencil in her hand, a pen in her mouth, and another behind her ear, while her left hand is reaching down to grab the cup of coffee standing on the floor. And the cup is on the floor because the coffee table has been moved out of the way and is now standing on the other side of the couch, to make room for the various computer parts that are now all over the rug. Thomas is sitting on the floor with his back against the couch, with a large fancy-looking cabinet in front of him, fully concentrated on building one of his super-computers and seemingly oblivious to the fact that Kj is about to steal his coffee. That or he just doesn't care, cause they two of them always steal eachothers coffee. They're both doing their own thing, yet they're together, just enjoying eachothers company.
Then, to add the other people that has the main focus of the stories...
Kj seems to have frozen mid-reach, as her eyes are glued to the TV that's in front of them. On top of the coffee table to the side, Rico sits with a gaming controller in his hands and looks like he's really into whatever it is that he's playing. Probably Mario Kart, cause he loves that game. He's got a lollipop in his mouth, but has probably already forgotten about it due to the game being really exciting. A little more to the side, there's one of them punching bags hanging down from the ceiling, and GT is doing some light boxing, wearing only his pants and a tank top. At the back of the room, in the corner to the right, there's a large comfy-looking chair with a small table stacked with books next to it. Skye is sitting in the chair, feet crossed, with a book in his hands, fully concentrated on its content. He's probably studying something, as usual. Move a little to the left and there's a large window, directly behind the couch, with a large windowsill that holds a giant flower pot - of the kind that usually hangs outside - that is filled with various plants. Liz is standing there, tending to the plants, with a smile on her face, obviously feeling very content with everything. In the couch, opposite of where Kj is lying, is where Aria sits with another gaming controller in her hands, obviously playing with Rico. And it looks like she's close to losing, cause she don't even notice that she almost pushed the black cat that was standing on the armrest down. The white cat slumbering on the couch besides Aria seems to be too deep in sleep to even notice the ruckus. And underneath the table, with a smile on her face that makes it look like she's about to burst out giggling with joy, is Citty lying on her stomach with her eyes on the TV.
Despite the obvious ruckus, the room is kind of peaceful, cause they all share a strong bond that makes them comfortable in eachothers company, no matter what they're all doing.
And then we add the remaining main cast of the stories.
On the back of the couch, Monkey is sitting, his chin resting on his left hand with a candy bar in the other hand, and he's laughing, clearly finding it hilarious that both Rico and Aria seems to be losing to the computer. Beside the punching bag, holding it steady for GT, is Gina. She's probably making fun of him, in a friendly way, cause they're both smiling. Her dog, the border collie, is lying beside her feet, fast asleep. In the back, in the corner opposite of where Skye is sitting, there's two chairs with a small table between them, where Lady Angelica and Captain is sitting, probably discussing something serious. Captain is ignoring the ruckus and focusing on the conversation, while Angelica seems like she's about to get a migraine and is annoyed by the fact that she has to be in the same room as these noisy idiots. There's a door on the middle of the left wall, leading somewhere - probably into a hallway connected to the rest of the building, and a kitchen - and Agi is walking into the room with a tray with various beverages on it. He's flinching as he's trying to avoid Angel's hand as she's waving it to the side while making some snarky remark about how bad Rico and Aria are at the game. She's standing beside the couch, next to where Kj is lying, paying attention to the TV.
The room is somewhere in Thomas' house, I'm pretty sure of it. The couch is dark blue, which would be typical of his taste. Besides, whenever they all decided to hang back and relax together, they always do so at his place.
This room just seems so perfect, for some reason. It's as if the room itself is the perfect painting of the main cast, and my family from another world. I scribbled down a quick doodle of the room, seen from above, and now that I look at it I can't help but smile. It really is perfect, in every way.
Today, while I was doing some tidying in the livingroom, I tried to find a good way to explain their relationship, and the general feel that's between them and the rest of the main cast, and I came up with this room. And I want to share this room with you all.
In the middle of this decent sized room, there's a rather large couch, standing right on the middle of the floor. It's similar to the couch I have in my livingroom, with just one back and one part of the seats sticking out, only that it's a lot larger so there's room for more people. On the part that sticks out, there's Kj, lying on her stomach, surrounded by various doodles and pencils and pens. She's got a pencil in her hand, a pen in her mouth, and another behind her ear, while her left hand is reaching down to grab the cup of coffee standing on the floor. And the cup is on the floor because the coffee table has been moved out of the way and is now standing on the other side of the couch, to make room for the various computer parts that are now all over the rug. Thomas is sitting on the floor with his back against the couch, with a large fancy-looking cabinet in front of him, fully concentrated on building one of his super-computers and seemingly oblivious to the fact that Kj is about to steal his coffee. That or he just doesn't care, cause they two of them always steal eachothers coffee. They're both doing their own thing, yet they're together, just enjoying eachothers company.
Then, to add the other people that has the main focus of the stories...
Kj seems to have frozen mid-reach, as her eyes are glued to the TV that's in front of them. On top of the coffee table to the side, Rico sits with a gaming controller in his hands and looks like he's really into whatever it is that he's playing. Probably Mario Kart, cause he loves that game. He's got a lollipop in his mouth, but has probably already forgotten about it due to the game being really exciting. A little more to the side, there's one of them punching bags hanging down from the ceiling, and GT is doing some light boxing, wearing only his pants and a tank top. At the back of the room, in the corner to the right, there's a large comfy-looking chair with a small table stacked with books next to it. Skye is sitting in the chair, feet crossed, with a book in his hands, fully concentrated on its content. He's probably studying something, as usual. Move a little to the left and there's a large window, directly behind the couch, with a large windowsill that holds a giant flower pot - of the kind that usually hangs outside - that is filled with various plants. Liz is standing there, tending to the plants, with a smile on her face, obviously feeling very content with everything. In the couch, opposite of where Kj is lying, is where Aria sits with another gaming controller in her hands, obviously playing with Rico. And it looks like she's close to losing, cause she don't even notice that she almost pushed the black cat that was standing on the armrest down. The white cat slumbering on the couch besides Aria seems to be too deep in sleep to even notice the ruckus. And underneath the table, with a smile on her face that makes it look like she's about to burst out giggling with joy, is Citty lying on her stomach with her eyes on the TV.
Despite the obvious ruckus, the room is kind of peaceful, cause they all share a strong bond that makes them comfortable in eachothers company, no matter what they're all doing.
And then we add the remaining main cast of the stories.
On the back of the couch, Monkey is sitting, his chin resting on his left hand with a candy bar in the other hand, and he's laughing, clearly finding it hilarious that both Rico and Aria seems to be losing to the computer. Beside the punching bag, holding it steady for GT, is Gina. She's probably making fun of him, in a friendly way, cause they're both smiling. Her dog, the border collie, is lying beside her feet, fast asleep. In the back, in the corner opposite of where Skye is sitting, there's two chairs with a small table between them, where Lady Angelica and Captain is sitting, probably discussing something serious. Captain is ignoring the ruckus and focusing on the conversation, while Angelica seems like she's about to get a migraine and is annoyed by the fact that she has to be in the same room as these noisy idiots. There's a door on the middle of the left wall, leading somewhere - probably into a hallway connected to the rest of the building, and a kitchen - and Agi is walking into the room with a tray with various beverages on it. He's flinching as he's trying to avoid Angel's hand as she's waving it to the side while making some snarky remark about how bad Rico and Aria are at the game. She's standing beside the couch, next to where Kj is lying, paying attention to the TV.
The room is somewhere in Thomas' house, I'm pretty sure of it. The couch is dark blue, which would be typical of his taste. Besides, whenever they all decided to hang back and relax together, they always do so at his place.
This room just seems so perfect, for some reason. It's as if the room itself is the perfect painting of the main cast, and my family from another world. I scribbled down a quick doodle of the room, seen from above, and now that I look at it I can't help but smile. It really is perfect, in every way.
mandag 3. februar 2014
Fueled by inspiration
I'm on a roll! Art-wise, at least. After deciding to re-write certain parts of my stories, and replacing certain characters with others, my inspiration has gone haywire! I can't even remember the last time I was inspired enough to keep working like this. One thing is the many notes I've got scribbled down now, and the general ideas I have for backstories, but I've even managed to do some actual art. Counting the five I did today, these past three days I've sketched out and done lineart on as many as THIRTEEN different portraits! Holy crackers!
I'm not sure what really happened here. I've been struggling with my inspiration and will to do any proper work on my project for several years now, and nothing seemed to help. Then, suddenly, as I decide to do this change to the stories, it's as if some door just opened up and I'm getting flooded! It's a really fun and exciting challenge to create these new characters that will take the place of the ones that is being removed, and as I'm working on them I get tons of info pouring in that I have to take note of. I'm creating all these pieces, and they just keep falling perfectly into place in the puzzle! I don't think I've ever experienced that before.
But the most important part is that I'm already starting to feel attached to these newcommers. I didn't think I'd manage to care for them, let alone care this fast, so I'm surprised. It's the weirdest thing, this... When I work on some of them, I suddenly get these random pieces of info, and this info fills in gaps I've had in the stories for years now, and everything just makes perfect sense. It really does feel like that muse of mine is actively working by whispering into my ear every time I sit down to doodle, which is totally new for me. I'm used to having to beg for info and inspiration.
I don't know. Maybe I'm finally on the right track, for once. I'm not letting things get in the way of my work, or letting my feelings cloud things for me. I'm focused, and determined to get somewhere. And I'm starting to regain the faith that I might actually manage to do something proper out of this work of mine. Maybe even share it with the public one day, in the form of publishing or something like that. We'll see, I suppose. All I know is that now that I've started on this track, I'm not gonna let anything stop me. It's full speed ahead!
I'm not sure what really happened here. I've been struggling with my inspiration and will to do any proper work on my project for several years now, and nothing seemed to help. Then, suddenly, as I decide to do this change to the stories, it's as if some door just opened up and I'm getting flooded! It's a really fun and exciting challenge to create these new characters that will take the place of the ones that is being removed, and as I'm working on them I get tons of info pouring in that I have to take note of. I'm creating all these pieces, and they just keep falling perfectly into place in the puzzle! I don't think I've ever experienced that before.
But the most important part is that I'm already starting to feel attached to these newcommers. I didn't think I'd manage to care for them, let alone care this fast, so I'm surprised. It's the weirdest thing, this... When I work on some of them, I suddenly get these random pieces of info, and this info fills in gaps I've had in the stories for years now, and everything just makes perfect sense. It really does feel like that muse of mine is actively working by whispering into my ear every time I sit down to doodle, which is totally new for me. I'm used to having to beg for info and inspiration.
I don't know. Maybe I'm finally on the right track, for once. I'm not letting things get in the way of my work, or letting my feelings cloud things for me. I'm focused, and determined to get somewhere. And I'm starting to regain the faith that I might actually manage to do something proper out of this work of mine. Maybe even share it with the public one day, in the form of publishing or something like that. We'll see, I suppose. All I know is that now that I've started on this track, I'm not gonna let anything stop me. It's full speed ahead!
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