I must apologise in advance, cause this might be a bit of a whiny rant entry, but I just feel the need to unload a little frustration that's been suffocating me, because these days I feel like a lot of people around me - even my loved ones - see me as a lazy, whiny, useless piece of shit.
And it's breaking me.
It's not easy, having my life. I'm not saying I have it harder than anyone else, cause there are so many others out there that have it worse, but what I'm saying is that it ain't some walk in a park. It's tough. Really tough. The good days are good, yes, but the bad days can be so horribly bad. Most days I just want to curl up underneath my bed and cry, cause I'm so tired of living.
I have fibromyalgia, and no, I am not faking an illness just to be able to sit on my ass all day! In absolute honesty, I wish I could do anything but sit on my ass all day, because I'm not sitting here volunteerily. I am in constant pain 24/7, and I am always tired. Always exhausted. Every single little chore that you take for granted - such a silly thing as just getting up from a chair, or making dinner - is hard. It's more than just hard; on some days it can be so exhausting that it completely breaks me. Every little thing I do is way harder for me than it is for you, because of the fibromyalgia dragging me down - both physically and mentally. This makes it difficult for me to lead a normal life, and doing things such as cleaning the house or making dinner is often just too much for me to handle. Most days I go to bed hungry, because that is less exhausting than trying to make food when I can barely breathe. Imagine how you'd feel if just making yourself a slice of bread with cheese on it would make you feel like you've been fighting for your life an entire day. Can you imagine that? Because that's what it's like on my worst days, and when I'm like that I'd rather starve. And it's extra hard because I am alone in all of this. Yes, I have caring friends and family that are there for me when I need them to be, but when it all boils down to the core of things, I am all alone. I don't really have anyone to lean on, when the days get too difficult for me, and so I have to stand on my own two feet - two feet that often don't want to be standing at all. Some days, I use all of my strength and energy on just getting out of the bed and moving to my chair, because the pain and the exhaustion is weighing me down, and despite how hard that is, I still get out of that damned bed!
I'm depressed, and depression is hard - those whom have been unfortunate
enough to experience it themselves know how hard it is, and how
exhausting it can be. And brings with it a lot of anxiety and insecurities, and dark clouds that weigh you down. I'm fighting a constant battle with my own mind, on top of fighting my own body, and at times it's so overwhelming that I just want to disappear. With the depression and my fibromyalgia kicking me, I have days where I just want to die. I want to stop breathing, and go far, far away from life and all the pain and exhaustion. I cry, if I have the energy to do so, and I just wish I'd die. Oh, god, how I wish I could just die.
But when those days/periods come, I find ways to distract myself, either by drowning myself in my work, or by escaping into another world through gaming, because I'm still fighting. I'm not giving up. Okay, so I might end up spending an entire week doing nothing but playing Skyrim, but at least that's a whole lot better than being dead. Because those are the only options I have when the days are at their worst. Instead of giving up, instead of laying down and waiting for death, I pull myself away by focusing on something that I know keeps me distracted - and happy. I focus on every little thing that can bring a smile to my face - even the smallest and seemingly insignificant things - and I use them all as an anchor to life. A way to keep breathing, to keep living.
So please, just, PLEASE don't judge me. Please don't call me lazy. Please don't look down on me just because I am not capable of the things you are. Most days I just want to die, but I am still here, refusing to give up, and when people look down on me and call me lazy or whatever, it hurts, because you have NO idea what I go through on a daily basis - constantly battling my own mind and my own body. You have no idea how much I have to push myself just to be able to get out of bed in the morning. Every morning. The next time you feel like judging me, try imagining your life without me, cause that could've been the alternative - and it can still be. You should just be thankful that you don't have to use a god damned cane to walk, and that you don't have to hear all the comments that'd get you, or see all the looks people would give you. Be thankful you don't have to live in a home that's constant chaos, and know that most days there's nothing you can do about it so you just sit there and cry because the chaos is drowning you. Be thankful that you don't have to face the looks and the comments from all of those around you that doesn't know, doesn't understand, doesn't accept, doesn't believe. Be thankful you don't have to go around feeling like you're constantly judged, and feeling like you're all alone in the world.
Spend your energy being grateful for what you have, instead of judging others based on what they don't have.
I stay positive. I stay cheerful, and with a bright outlook on life, and I do so because it is my strength. I can smile in the face of hatred, despair, defeat, and resentment, and I keep walking onwards when I'm ready to drop dead. I fight my battles - sometimes openly, sometimes silently - and though I often stray from my path, I do my best to get back to it again so I can keep walking. I carry so much more with me than I am capable of, and yet I keep walking. I've lived through things that should've killed me, and I am still walking. I may be walking slowly, and sometimes it might seem like I'm not moving at all, but I'm taking it at a pace I can manage, to ensure that actually do manage to walk. Because no matter what, I refuse to give up.
I don't know who you are, on the inside. I don't know your thoughts and feelings, your inner struggles and achievements, but that doesn't make me think any less of you. I accept you, and I respect you, your life, and your choices. And so I expect you to do the same.
And if you can't, then I am done with you. Because I am done being judged and looked down upon. I am done trying to explain myself to people that can't understand - that won't understand. I am done adding my fight with others to the daily fights with myself, because I am tired of fighting. So if you have a problem with me, and how I live my life, then I don't want you in it.
If you can't walk along with me, then you can walk alone.
After all, that's what I've been doing most of my life, and I've gotten damned good at it.
