Dreams of Death

One of the side-effects of the fibromyalgia is that many people have trouble getting to deep sleep. For some reason, they can't seem to get passed the dreamstate, so they never get truly rested, which is why they are always so tired. For me, this has been a problem most of my life. I keep having what I call "dream nights" where I just dream the entire night. Leaves me absolutely exhausted, it does...

I dream a lot. All sorts of strange dreams, many whom leaves me worried about my mental state, haha! But one thing I dream too much of, in my opinion, is dying. I've lost count of how many times I've died in my dreams.

Someone once told me that if we've died in specifically bad ways in our previous lives, the fear of dying like that again is imprinted deep within us, causing recurring nightmares about it. So, if we have repeated dreams where we die in the same way, it's supposedly that fear. If that's true, I've been shot, drowned in the lava from an errupted vulcano, killed in massive earthquakes and floods that has destroyed the world, and stood in the wake of an exploded atomic bomb.
Those are the ways I always, always die, in my dreams. The most common one is the atomic bomb. I always see that cloud, and the shockwave moving towards me, and I get that horrible feeling where I know that I'll be dead within seconds, and there's nothing I can do. And I just accept it. The second most common one is a natural disaster, either by earthquakes and floods, or vulcanos. Or, the most fun ones, those combined. The entire land around me is just utterly destroyed, and I know it's not caused by man. The ones where I get shot aren't too common, but they do repeat themselves. I usually get shot in the back, trying to escape something, or someone.

I never wake up just before I die. I wake up during, or right after. So, I always get to feel that feeling I can never seem to explain. Dread, despair, fear, defeat, acceptance... Something in between, maybe. I don't know. If that's what it feels like to die...

Anyway.

It's always the same. I've never, ever dreamt that I died in any other way, and I've died way more often than I'd like to admit to anyone. The only exception... Is last night. I dreamt that I died, again. But nothing about that dream was anything like what I usually dream. And the feeling I had, throughout the entire dream, in the back of my mind... It's still kind of there, telling me that it wasn't a dream. It sounds ridicules, but for some reason that dream just had a massive impact on me. It wasn't really that much of a nightmare even. Not really.


I was with my mum and dad, and my brother, and we were all living together in their house. It wasn't the house they live in right now, cause it was very different, and placed somewhere else, but I can't remember if it was a house I've seen before, or something my mind just made up. And the sky suddenly became really weird. I looked outside, wondering why the sky was so strange, and I saw this gigantic hand, dark purple-ish with black claws, reaching out of the sky itself and grabbing hold of a house somewhere in the distance. And within seconds, the house was destroyed, and I just knew that everyone in the house was dead.

I just thought to myself, as everyone started to panic, that this couldn't be real. It was too bizarre. This couldn't be happening. This was reality, earth, where these things were impossible. So, we couldn't die. We couldn't be killed by this hand. It was just not real. Yet, at the same time, I knew. I knew that we would soon be dead, and there was nothing we could do about it. I heard this strange sound, and I swear it felt like I was suddenly trapped within a second. All the emotions I felt, at the same time, rushing through me. And that feeling... That despair, that horrible fear, knowing that this is the end. Defeat. And, in a way, acceptance. It all happened in a second, and it felt like an eternity, and I died.

There was no pain. Just that horrible feeling.

Then I think I was in some kind of room. Or a space of some sort. There wasn't really anything there, and it was kind of blurry. Or foggy, maybe. But I could see energy around us, moving. I don't know if it was moving out of us, or into us, or just around us. But it was there. And I remember wondering why I could still feel. I was supposed to be dead, so why did I still feel?
Mum was there, but my dad and my brother was only there for a fragment of a second before they were gone, and the energy with them. I don't remember if someone came and told us, or somehow we just knew, but my dad and my brother had been sent to heaven. They had completed all of life, and were done with it. They had been given the ultimate reward. Heaven.

Then we were in a city. A strange and unusal city, in a way. It looked very much like an ordinary human city on earth, but there were some buildings that seemed off. And that feeling... Like there was something not quite right about the place. It just felt different. Wrong, in a way. And then someone came, or maybe they had been with us all along - I really don't remember - and they told us that we were dead, mum and I. But we weren't going to heaven.

Sometimes, when people died, instead of going to heaven, they'd end up in that place. It's not hell, they said, cause there's no such thing, but it's the closest you can get. I remember jokingly asking if it was earth, and their responce was "Similar, but not quite."
Going to heaven meant that you were done with life, and that you were cleared for the "upper level", or something like that. But every now and then, people got the chance to earn their way back to life. A second chance of some sort. And they had to work their way through that world to earn it. Mum had done that - gotten that chance. I don't know if they meant that she would go back to her old life, or that she would be reborn into a new one, but she had been given the chance to earn her way back to earth, at least according to their records. That's why she wasn't sent off to heaven.

Heaven is the ultimate reward, but it is a one way ticket. Once you go there, you can't go back. Life is permanently over for you. That's what they said. Depending on who you are, going to heaven can be a really good thing, or a really bad thing. Life may not be as good as heaven, but it is life, at least.

But me... I baffled them. According to their records, I was not allowed to go to heaven, ever. So when I died, they had no other choice but to place me in that world. They didn't know what else to do. They didn't even know why their records said that I could never go to heaven. All I know is that I felt like I didn't belong anywhere.

Then mum was gone, and I was on my own, in that strange city. I suppose she went off to do what she needed to do to earn her way back to life, but I don't really remember. I just know that I was alone. And I had no idea what to do. Could I earn my way back to life? Could they send me somewhere else? Or was I stuck in this city forever?

I've forgotten most of the dream in that place, but I do remember finding some other people to get along with - the city was filled with people, of course, but these were the important ones. They were strangers, but company. They were stuck there as well, trying to earn their way back to life, although I was the only one in my situation. We were trying to figure out how to survive. None of us had money, or a job, or a place to live. The rule of the city, apparently, was that you had to survive on your own. No help. But we stuck together. We were four, or maybe five, people, and we had decided to work together.

I had been out for a walk, and I had gotten a card from someone that was renting out a space for opening a store, and we were in the middle of discussing how we could work together to survive when I brought out that card. Maybe we could manage, together, to get enough money for that place? We could open up a store. They all had things they could sell - items, their services - so it would be a way to get by. I remember thinking that I could make jewelry and sell it.

I wasn't happy. But I was clinging on to the hope that somehow I'd find a solution. I'd get out of the situation I was in. Hope was really all I had.

And then I woke up.

And in that moment, I had that horrible feeling that the dream had showed me what was going to happen. The dream was just a dream, but what I saw in the dream, that city, it was all real. And I wasn't supposed to know. I saw something no one was supposed to see.


I know it's ridicules. I know it was just a dream. But it has haunted me the entire day, and I still feel really uncomfortable. Like I saw something I wasn't supposed to. And it makes me want to hide. I don't even know why.
It was one of the strangest dreams I've ever had - not because the content was all that strange (I've had weirder dreams), but because of the feeling that followed me in that dream. That feeling that's trying to convince me that it wasn't a dream, even though I know that it was.

Then again, some of the info I have on my work has come from dreams, so maybe this was just another way for me to learn something about Arcaiia. I don't know. All I know is that one giant part of me prays I'll enver dream something like that again, while another tiny part of me wants to go back.

Along with all those strange feelings the dream gave me, there's that nagging one telling me that there's something I have to know.

Maybe I just need more sleep.

Fibro, gaming, work, and blog appearance

January - 7 entries
February - 6 entries
March - 1 entry

....lol. My blog activity this month has dropped pretty badly, I see. Sorry about that! I've been busy with the fibro knocking me out again, so the world was put on hold while I hid under a blanket and refused to deal with it. You know, the usual. I'm feeling better now, tho! Still in pain, but it's not as bad as it was.

I've figured out that I have about 4 levels of fibro pain.
Level 1 - I don't have any aching anywhere, so I can move around freely and do what I want, though lifting heavy things and walking in stairs is still really painful for my arms and knees.
Level 2 - My body aches everywhere, but despite that I can still move freely and keep up my daily routines. I just have to try to ignore the pain, and I'll be fine. Gaming is good to pass the time!
Level 3 - Everything aches, and moving is really hard. I can still walk, but I'm kind of limping because everything hurts so much. I can forget about lifting, or just generally using my muscles.
Level 4 - I can't even move, because the aching pain everywhere is so bad that I just want to cry. All I can do is just sit still and don't move a muscle. Netflix is my only friend in life right now.

Right now I'm down on level 2, after a whole week of shifting between 3 and 4, which have been horrible. It's the rainy weather that got to me, cause apparently my body can't handle it if it's humid. Now that the sun is out, I feel a lot better!


All I've been doing is just gaming and watching netflix, cause it's the only thing that can keep me focused on something other than the pain. Just finished FFVII Dirge of Cerberus the other day - a friend of mine from Austria sent it to me as a loan so I could get to try it - and then I moved on over to FFXIII and completed it, since I was near the ending anyway. Aaaand, now I'm working my way through FFXIII-2!

Dirge of Cerberus was difficult for me, since it's an FPS, and the aiming system of FPS games tends to stress me out so I can't aim properly. But that aside, I had high hopes for the game, since it had my two favourite FFVII characters in it - Vincent and Yuffie. Buuut... Nope. I love it because it's FF, and because Vincent and Yuffie are awesome, and the movie scenes were amazing, but the rest of the game was really bad. They had a good story, but failed in showing it in a good way, and the dialog was really, really horrible. I give it a 3 on the Die!
FFXIII took me a couple of years to finish, cause I had no motivation. I really loved some of the characters - Vanille and Fang, specifically, and every now and then Snow - but the rest of the game was just really bad. The combat system was decent, but the story and everything was just something I never managed to get into. I miss the fantasy and the magic that used to be a huge part of the series. I give it a 3 on the Die!
FFXIII-2 tickles my ovaries in a way XIII never could. I'm just at the beginning of the game, so I haven't really seen all that much, but what I've seen so far is really great. I mean, we all know I'm obsessed with time travel, so, yeah. The one thing that annoys me the most with the game is that there's only two characters, and only one of them is to my liking. They could've left Serah out, to be honest. She's nice, but not main character kind of nice. But the monster system is pretty awesome. I give it a strong 4 on the Die!


Aside from the gaming, I've been focused on my work. It feels good to get back into things, and I'm more inspired than ever! Right now I've finally started doing some proper work on the many races of SoA, and I'm satisfied with what I have so far.
But, what I've come to realize during my work is that I do miss having a working partner. Someone whom is familiar with my work and this world that I can show things to and discuss things with. Not necessarily someone who actively works on this, but that has a genuine interest and can help me out if I need a second opinion. I just really miss showing my work to someone that likes discussing it with me.
I've had that on several occasions, and I miss it. I felt more inspired to work when there was someone there by my side, eager to know more. I had it back in my guild days on GaiaOnline, when I had my guildies that constantly demanded more info, and two of my exes used to be a part of this.

But, even though I miss having a working partner, I do suppose that working on my own is the best, since it gives me 100% control over everything. I think it's that level of control that has gotten me so inspired these days. I just finally feel like I'm doing what I'm supposed to do.


So, what else is new? Well, the appearance of the blog, in case you didn't notice! lol - I just had an urge to change things, and I decided to follow that urge. I'm decently pleased with the result, and I think I'll keep this look for a while. Aside from that, not much is new. I'm dealing with the fibro and working and gaming, and just trying to keep life at a normal level.

I just wanted to let you all know that I'm still alive, haha.
I hope you're all doing well, wherever you are!
Love ya~

Boring title is boring

Ugh, I'm going through one of my really bad periods, and it's taking its toll on me. Last week I could barely move at all, so I canceled all appointments and just spent the week relaxing. I'm better now, but I'm still feeling iffy, and it's really making my mood horrible. It's not that I'm very depressed or angry, or anything like that. I'm just feeling meh, and extremely introverted. Dealing with people makes me frustrated, and sometimes angry, but mostly it just drains me and gets me down.

But I know it'll pass. It's just one of those bad periods I get every now and then, and when it's over it'll all go back to normal again. I just have to take care not to push myself too much when I'm going through these periods, cause I know from experience that it'll just end up making matters worse. I don't know how many years it took me, but I've finally learned that I shouldn't push myself too much, haha!

My social life is iffy again, and I know that it should bother me, but it doesn't. Because I've been feeling bad, and because I have this party-stop while working on my health, and because of the god damned apartment sucking all my energy away, I haven't really been around people much. I've hardly even seen any of my friends lately, nor talked to any of them. But it doesn't really bother me. I still love them, and they're all still my friends. I guess I'm just one of those people that don't have the need for interacting with my friends on a regular basis. As long as they're alright, I'm all good.

To tell you the truth, I don't think I'll ever stop being the introvert that I am. I enjoy spending my days alone, and not really being around people much. I have a lot of people that I know, and call friends, that I stop and talk to if I meet them in town, and that I may go out partying with (when I'm not on a party-stop, that is), but on a daily basis I don't really have anyone to spend time with, and I'm very much okay with that. I kind of prefer it over daily social interactions. I really don't enjoy spending time with people on regular days.
It's only when I'm out drinking or partying that I like being social. Heh, at times I even get overly social when I'm drinking, but I suppose it's just my way of making up for the lack of social interaction I generally have. I kind of miss my partying days, and I hope I can get back to at least some of that when my health starts improving. I may not enjoy being social on most days of the week, but I enjoy having those random saturdays with lots of fun with the people I know and care about.

Right now, I kind of feel like a lot of things are still paused. My life is moving forward, but there are many things not moving along with it. I know it's all because I'm standing in the way of those things, keeping them from moving forward, and I know it's my own attitude causing it. I get like this, when there's something I'm struggling with. I feel like everything has to stop while I'm trying to figure out a solution to the problem I'm having. I'm fully aware of it, but I can't really seem to get myself to do anything about it. I guess it's just my way of wanting to give my full attention to the problem, to make sure it gets fixed.

Needless to say, it's the apartment that's putting a pause on things.

One whole year - actually more than a year - is how long I've been doing these renovations, and I'm still sleeping on the couch cause I can't use my bedroom. And even though I'm using the kitchen, it's still not done, which is what keeps me from finishing things in the bedroom. I haven't even started on the hallway, cause the kitchen and the bedroom is stealing my attention.
It's tiresome. It's draining. And it's always there, in the back of my mind, causing me to put a pause on everything that can be paused. I can't get passed the mental barrier it creates for me, which, in turn, keeps me from moving forward. And right now I've fallen into a very bad circle where it mentally drains me that I can't seem to get anything done in the apartment, and that in turn makes me exhausted and not able to do anything, which then makes me sad, and that drains me, and, yeah... I need to break out of that circle, finish the apartment, and keep moving forward with things. I'm just not quite sure how.

But, this is life in general.

When it comes to my work, things are progressing just fine. My body aching is making drawing difficult, but at least I'm taking lots of notes. I'm generally feeling really positive about my work and how it's going, especially since I'm working on it daily. The only negative thing is that it's really chaotic, this work of mine, and since the apartment isn't done I don't really have any room for organising that chaos, but it's a minor detail. I can live with it, for now.

I'm tired and drained, and don't really feel like dealing with people these days, but my work is keeping me on my feet.