Strong opinions ahead - be warned!

I've had a turbulent time lately, that much must be said. A lot of ups and downs, and it's been tiresome and draining. But I'm still standing, believe it or not, and I'll keep standing no matter what.

Last week I travelled up north to pick up my ex as they discharged her from the clinic, and we spent a night in a hotel and just had a good time relaxing and going out. I think we both needed it, and we had the best time ever. And after that, we randomly decided to travel down south and spend a weekend in Trondheim together, on my bill, so we got back home and spent a couple of days there to pack and get ready before taking off again. It felt great, just randomly doing something crazy like that, without caring what others thought of it. So, even though last week was draining, and I had a lot of shit on my mind, it still was the greatest week ever. Spent in the greatest company ever.



But, all that aside, today I'm feeling out of it, and need to ventilate some things.
You've been warned.



Last Friday, on our train ride down to Trondheim, we learned that there had been a terror attack on Norway. My mum called me and told me, but she didn't know the details so all we knew was that some bomb had gone off and that people had been killed. Kind of shocking, I'll admit, and we were left speculating on what had happened. My ex, naturally, being one that pays attention to the world and its politics, had her opinions on what had happened and got a little heated. She's cute, when she starts ranting on about poilitics, so I just sat and listened to her. I know nothing, and have no real opinions, but it's always interesting to listen to her rantings. She's got strong opinions, and she's not afraid to share them.

When we arrived at the hotel, we turned on the news to find out what had happened, and a small shock hit us. It wasn't what we had thought at all. Yes, a bomb had gone off, people had been killed, but that became nothing compared to the massacre that had happaned just after the bomb. Innocent children, brutally shot and killed.


A horrible tragedy, that I agree with. We've been watching the news, keeping an eye on things, and stayed updated on the entire event. It's awful. And I can't even begin to imagine what it must've been for those who were there, who had to experience things first hand like that, nor what it must be like for the friends and family of those who lost their lives. I won't even try. Never in a million years will I be able to understand what it must be like to go through something like this. I feel sorry for them. This is an awful and horrible tragedy.

Then I log on to Facebook, and I feel physically sick. Everyone submits status updates that tell the world how awful this is for them, they change their profile pictures and put up Norwegian flags to show how proud they are of their country, they like endless pages that state how horrible this is and how much they hate the man behind it, and they promise to participate in the many events that don't do anything but demonstrate how "good" they are for caring. It makes me want to throw up.

Can you really say, with your hand on your heart, that this has had a deep and emotional impact on YOU personally? Were you there? Did you experience that hell? Do you know what it was like? No. And you never will. So why post it on FB, for the entire world to see? Is it just to show off? Cause that is exactly what it looks like. Yes, it was a horrible tragedy, and yes, I do agree that we should pay our respects and light a candle for the victims of this terror tragedy. But why do we have to flaunt it all over FB that we're doing it? And why put up the Norwegian flag all over the place, stating how proud we are of our country, when the reason behind the entire attack was that some idiot believes we should't mix different cultures? We're honouring HIS opinions by putting up that flag all over the place like this!

Even those who were right in the middle of it all have stated on FB that they don't want people to put up the flag everywhere and create hate pages for the man behind the attack. I understand them. We have NO RIGHT to say that we know the pain they're going through. Cause we don't. And claiming that we do, is straight out disrespectful.

I won't be disrespectful.

I feel sorry for the ones going through this, and I can easily close my eyes for a moment or two and send them warm thoughts and support. I hope the man behind this gets punished for his actions, and I do think that he is a horrible person. But I don't need to let the entire world know it. I don't need to join in on the countless events or groups to show everyone how good I am for caring. I don't need to join in on the hating of this man, giving him even more attention, just like he wants to. I don't need to announce to all my friends how "big my heart is" by putting up badges or flags or whatever else on my profile. And I certainly don't need to write in my status how disappointed I am with other people who don't do all this! If you really care, you don't have the need to flaunt it to the entire world. People who do just makes me sick.

My ex wrote a great answer to someone who commented on something she wrote on FB. She said that this event was a horrible one, but that she wouldn't put her life on hold because of it. She would rather honour the deceased by living her own life to the fullest. And I couldn't agree more.


My point? I don't really know. You can make your own idea of what the point of all my ranting is.

I guess all I really want to say is that all the people flaunting all over Facebook how much they care, as if they have a need to show all their friends how good they are, just makes me sick. But in the end, I won't stop them. Let people do whatever they want. If they feel that they need to flaunt their "caring heart" to everyone around them, then poor them.

Me? I'll continue onwards as usual, not letting something like this stop my life. I'll share my thoughts about this with the rest of the world this one time, in this entry, and that's that. The tears I might have and the heavy thoughts I carry will only be shared with the one person right here next to me who's holding my hand, cause that's all I need. And in truth, between me and her, words aren't really needed. We both know. We both care. And we don't need the entire world around us to know that.



But, these are my personal thoughts and feelings behind the matter. If they offend you, then I'm sorry, but there really isn't much I can do about that. I won't flaunt my opinions all over FB, cause I really have no need to shove my opinions in other people's faces, but this is my personal blog and if people don't like my personal opinions then they don't need to read my blog. As easy as that. Yes, I post the link to this blog so people can see it, but actually clicking that link and reading its content is entirely up to YOU. It is your choice.

Now I'm side-tracking, sorry. But you get my point, right?

Right.

So, let us now all go back to our regular lives, and live it as best we can.
And remember to never let anything or anyone stop or put our lives on hold.

Retreat and Regroup

I'm tired. Mentally drained.

I never knew it was this exhausting, standing on the other side.

So they sent her up north to a clinic, and I'm left behind alone in her apartment. The place is so quiet, it's kind of uncomfortable. It's like the walls themselves sense that things aren't as they should be, and refuse to give out any energy at all. And my own energy gets drained by every life-less object next to me, leaving me even more empty than this place.

It sounds way more dramatic than what it is. You know me; the drama queen.


It kind of feels like I've run into a wall of some sort. I was moving forward at such a rapid pace, and things were going so well, and somehow I missed a turn somewhere and hit a dead end with full force. Right now I'm kind of stumbling around, dazed and confused, not really sure of what has happened or what to do. I know she's somewhere out of my reach, but for the life of me I can't see why or how that came to be. My head is just spinning. Fast. And it's making me want to throw up.

What I need now is a battle strategy. Just don't ask me where I get that idea from, cause I can't really answer you there. But yeah, a battle strategy. And I need to start it all by sitting down, taking a breather, and then get oriented so I know where I am and where I missed my turn. And once I've done that, I need to think of a strategy that'll get me back on the right tracks again.

But right now, I'm going for the retreat and regroup strategy.

This week is officially my retreat week. That means I won't be all that social, so I'll try to avoid company in the form of visitors or going to town or visiting others. I need this time on my own. I need to refocus my head, and I can't do that with people around me. So I need to stay away from people for a while, just until I get back on my feet again. Cause that's how I work. Nothing personal, it's just me needing to do things in my own pace.

There's just so much going on inside my head right now, and I can't really handle getting more things stuffed inside it. And talking to people will result in more things getting stuffed inside my head. That I know.

I just need to get a proper map of my situation, so I know what to do about it.

Come feed the rain

I know it's been a while, but life's been busy...

A quick update would include my mental health improving to the point where I'm anxiety free and my depression is almost gone, and I've been living with my ex for a couple of months now. Life's been up and down, but for the most part I've been doing amazingly good.

That is, until Friday night...

I don't really know where to begin, or even what to say, but truth be told I don't think I've ever been in this much pain before. And now I'm not just talking about how much my arms hurt after all the struggling I've been through, but how much it hurts inside me. Cause, honest to god, my insides feel like they're about to fall apart.

I never really wanted to go out, cause I had a feeling something was wrong, but I did anyway. Silly me. I never listen to the good voices, only the bad ones. So, we went out, danced, and had tons of fun. I've never danced that much in my entire life, truth be told. I really did have fun. Though, I'll be honest and say I had a hard time coping with the fact that someone told me flat out just what kind of feelings that person had for me. I've never had anyone confess like that before, so I had no idea how to handle it. Basically, this person told me that if I hadn't been so obsessed with my ex, we'd be together. Talk about shock...

Now, this is a person I've always liked, and I've been attracted to this person for as long as we've known eachother. And, yes, I've been aware of the fact that this person have always liked me, but I never really knew how serious it was. To suddenly know, and on top of that really get it smacked into my face just how obvious it is that I'm so obsessed with my ex, was a bit hard to swallow. And it still is... But, I tried my best to just put that away and enjoy my night out.

And that's when it all went haywire on me.

I still don't know what happened, to be honest, so I'm kind of in a state of shock. The DJ announced that he was going to play the last song before closing up, and my ex looks at me in the strangest way before she takes her things and just leaves. Confused, I hurry after her, put an arm around her cause she's far from steady on her feet, and help guide her towards home. And she completely breaks down, and cries, and starts talking about things I don't understand at all. I thought she was just too drunk, so I helped her get home and into bed, all the while listening to her hysteric crying and babbling, and just praying that she'll feel better once she's rested and have had a good nights sleep. Shaky as hell, I sit down on the couch after getting her into bed, not really sure what to do, when she comes out of the bedroom and demands that I leave the place. Now, I'm not gonna go into any details at all, but to sum it up she wanted me out of there and when I refused to leave she wanted to leave instead, and as I tried to keep her there I got my ass kicked. I'm just glad I'm stronger than her.

In the end, I ended up taking a taxi home, cause she was anything but herself and threatened with a lot of things, and I was too drunk to handle it. I texted her mom, told her to contact her in the morning cause I was worried about her, and then just tried my best to calm my nerves. Needles to say, they kind of went haywire on me after that. I had a constant anxiety attack the rest of that night, and the entire next day, before I finally calmed down.

Luckily, her mom texted me the next day and told me that they were taking care of my ex, so I didn't have to worry, and later that day she told me to come talk to her so I at least got to hear what she had to say. Though, she didn't really say anything at all, other than that she couldn't remember anything. The entire time that I sat there, she just cried and stared at the empty air in front of her. Whatever happened that night, something snapped inside of her, and now she's broken. They're talking about getting her submitted to a psychiatric clinic...

I only wish I knew what was going on inside her head. I understand that something she had hidden away suddenly caught up to her and caused her pain, and now she's trying to run away from whatever that is by just shutting down her entire system. It's safer that way. I know all too well, cause I've been there myself, but I also know very well what she's like and how she deals with things. Deep down inside, she doesn't want to be put away in a clinic. It hasn't helped her before, and she herself has told me that something like that won't ever help her. She's still there, behind everything, hiding, and all someone needs to do is reach her. I'm not sure if I'd be able to, though I certainly wish I could. Maybe that'd be better for her.

All I know is that she's running from this problem. There's something there, something she has refused to deal with that is now out of its box, and instead of dealing with it she shuts everything out and refuse to face it. She's not even capable of talking to the people around her, cause that's how scared she is. She simply shut down, as a simple and safe solution from her point of view. And I know it's not a good solution. If she doesn't snap out of it, they'll have her submitted. But, as I said, I'm not sure I'd be able to reach her and help her snap out of it. She won't even see me or talk to me. So, there really isn't anything I can do.

So, I just sit here. And worry. And pray that she'll be alright. Cause, honest to god, that woman is the love of my life, and I'd do anything for her to be okay.