Silent Weekend

As I was trying to find the blissful embrace of sleep on Thursday, I got to thinking. It's not unusual, really, considering that happens pretty much every night, but this time I concluded that I needed a bit of time to myself. I have a lot of things to digest, mentally, and figured it was about time I actually took some time to digest it.
Come Friday, I still feel like taking some time to myself, and decide on a "quiet weekend" of no social contact, for once. And just as I make a post about that on FB - you know, to warn the masses that they'll be deprived of my awesome presence so they can spend the weekend crying over that loss - I hear a knock on my door. I finish my status update and post it, then get up to get that door, cursing to myself and saying that this better be important. And there's my ex, dropping off a wedding invitation. Considering I haven't seen that face in quite literally a year, after we parted on somewhat ugly terms, it was quite a shock to swallow, and I found myself blessing my brain for having already decided on a quiet weekend, cause right there was another good reason to take some time to myself.

I swear, the gods that watch over me have a twisted sense of humour sometimes.

When it comes to the case of my ex, that is an entire chapter of its own, and in the end I've decided that it was a chapter that left quite a bit of mess that I'm not gonna clean up. I'm not gonna take the responsibility of it, cause I'm not the one that fucked up - for once - and I'm just gonna leave it at that. If my ex wanna clean it up, then I'll welcome that with open arms and we might just talk it over and become friends, but if not then it's just not worth it and I'm gonna learn to forget about it all. Case closed.

Moving on to other cases I've tackled this weekend...

My physical health is one, cause it's not exactly all that great. Part of that is because of how bad shape I am in, and I'd like to do something about that. But how do I get in better shape, without losing my actual shape? Thing is, I'm one of those freak women that likes having curves, and dun want to be one of them skinny bitches. I just don't think it's pretty when you're thin as a stick, and a real woman is supposed to be round in my eyes. So I'd rather not lose weight or anything like that, but damn I could kill for some stamina and muscles along with my fine curves! Seriously! So, my problem is basically, how do I get in better shape so I get more stamina and become stronger, yet stay plump and curvy as I am right now. Anyone care to help me with that particular problem? I'd love any tip or help I could get.

My future is another case, which is several big cases all rolled up into one. It's starting to feel a bit heavy on my shoulders, and I figured it's about time I dealt with some of that weight.

I paid down the loan I took to buy my apartment, so now I'm almost completely free of debt. It's an insane feeling, I can tell you that. But it was actually a hard choice to make. I had the money to pay it down, but I could've chosen to use that money to pay for my driver's lessons, since I'm now going to try and get my driver's liscence, and buy x-mas gifts since it's only two months left until x-mas, and pay for a vacation I promised to go on with my family in easter next year that has already been reserved, and still live decently while slowly paying down my loan. But instead I've chosen to live on a really strict budget for the next half year or so, just so that I could get rid of that loan. Every single piece of leftover money I have needs to be put into savings to pay for my driver's lessons, x-mas gifts, and that vacation, which doesn't really leave a lot of room for actual fun. I hope I made the right choice.

And speaking of financial things and future...

I've decided that I want to sell my apartment, and buy a new one. I mean, I love this place, I really do, but I'm feeling uneasy again. It may just be my gypsy blood going haywire, again, but everything inside me tells me that it's time to move. And, truth be told, I want something a tiny bit bigger. I just want space, so I don't have to have half of my things stowed away in my parents' attic cause I don't have room for them! I feel cramped up, and I'm sick of it. I need to check up on a couple of things first, like if I'm even allowed to sell just yet, and how much of a loan I might be able to take up, but if everything cheks out at least somewhat according to plan, then I'll probably put up an ad and state that I'm considering selling the place. Who knows? Maybe I'll get lucky.

Besides, it would be nice to already have a more decent place to live, with a bit more space, if I'm to keep working on another one of my future plans. It was supposed to stay a secret, but I have a big mouth, and so does a lot of the people I've told, so in the end I think pretty much everyone knows by now. I'm attempting to become pregnant. Let me tell you; it's not as easy as it sounds! I'm single, and I'm a lesbian, which means that I have to pay a whole lot of money to get that to happen, not to mention leave the country. They don't do artificial insemination here in Norway unless you're married, and even then you don't even get to pick the donor yourself. Me, I'm pretty much without options here, which is why I've paid a lot of money to go out of the country to try to have it done. Twice.
Last year it was Denmark, and that didn't succeed, and this year it was Israel, which didn't work out either. I don't even want to think about the amount of money I put in for both attempts, and the fact that I now have two failed attempts behind me isn't exactly doing wonders for my mood. It's depressing, cause this is my biggest wish, and has been ever since I was a little girl, but I just got to keep trying. And keep saving up money to afford the trying. It's not the actual insemination, nor the donor, that's expensive, but the actual trip there to get it done. That's the only thing stopping me from trying again right away.
It's stupid, you know? Any 16-year-old can go out, get drunk, and fuck some random idiot and become pregnant, and that's all good. She'll get the support she needs. But a 27-year-old lesbian woman who is willing to do almost anything to become a mother (aside from actually fucking a male), she's rejected. I have no rights, here in Norway. Fucked up logics are fucked up.

Yeah, I've had a lot to think about this weekend, and my thoughts just keep crashing with eachother.

I also spent the weekend watching all of season one of Dark Angel, which was a royal kick in the nostalgic behind. And, of course, I also took the time to take care of some things in the apartment and do some work, which is something I always do when I have a lot on my mind. I think best when I'm moving, so I've kept moving around in the apartment and tried to keep busy most of the weekend.

I've lost a lot of contact with my work over the past year, which is probably a side-effect of actually having a life, for once, but it's gotten to the point where it's bothering me. I've had an art block for years now, which has killed most of my art work, but that shouldn't have kept me from the rest of my work. I need to re-connect some of the things I've lost my connection to. I really can't live without my work. It's a part of who I am, and without it I am empty and have no will to exist. I suppose that's a pretty good reason to kick myself back into gear, and pick up my work again.

And, ah, there's a rather big and important anniversary coming up next month. The 11th of November, to be exact. It's nothing exciting for anyone else, as it's a rather personal thing, but it's big enough that I want to celebrate it. So, it's highly likely that I'll be busy that day.


Lastly, before I finish this rather long and chatty entry, I just want to mention that TODAY I learned that Matchbox Twenty came out with a new CD this year, and it's pretty good. I've been listening to it most of the day. So, I'll leave you all with my favourite song from that new CD of theirs, and I'll see you guys around. Toodles~