Rebirth

"Last night I died, and chained myself to the moon.
Today I am reborn, as a new keeper of the unknown."

-unknown

I've been chained down, all my life, by so many different things. My life, the things I love, my insecurity, my health, and so many, many other nameless things. Yesterday I decided to cut all those old chains, leave the past behind me, and create new ones that I've chosen myself. As I went to bed, I told myself that when I returned from my sleep, I'd wake up as a different person, and start my life anew.
Today I feel... Strangely different, actually. I feel better about things, and not so depressed and sad about the things now lost to me. Instead of thinking of what I no longer have, I think of the things I do have, and how grateful I am for having them. I will always love and cherish the good memories of what once was dear to me, and I'll never stop caring. But these things are gone, and though I'll never forget them, I'll look forward now instead of backward. These things are behind me now.

Just like the person that once was me, who's now gone.
Last night, I killed her.


*

On to different thoughts and updates.


Last friday I almost got an emergency appointment at the doctor's. I stopped by to try and get an appointment, and told the lady behind the desk what the problem was. She called the doctor, and one hour later he took me in to examine me. To tell the truth, I was in a kind of a shock. I'm used to waiting at least a week or so before I get my appointment, and even longer than so in the flu season, but no. I got an appointment the same day as I asked for one. I knew things were kind of urgent, but... Well, at least it was a good shock to get.

Several tests later, and a new regular diet of medication (which I'm hoping is only temporary) and all I can do is just wait until I get some answers. Still don't know what's causing the problems, but the doctor told me he'll most likely get me into the hospital for further examination. So, hopefully things'll get better soon. I'm staying positive, either way.



Unfortunately, the M-project went down the drain. I did good, for a long time, but now I've had several days where I haven't left the apartment at all. Though, I still can't figure out why I'm not leaving the apartment. It's not anxiety, so I honestly have no idea how to handle this. Buuut... I suppose I'll somehow manage. I mean, I can be resourceful, if I want. Right?


Also, it's not every day you get a massage from your psychologist! But that's what I got today. We had a lot to talk about today, and one of the things is my headaches, which are getting worse. I'm used to having a headache 24/7, cause I've had that almost all my life, but usually it's just a murmur at the back of my head. I've learned to ignore it. And every now and then, the murmur becomes loud noise that is impossible to ignore, and impossible to cure. Lately, however, I've gotten those headaches every single day, and to tell the truth I'm exhausted now. That kind of pain, every single day, is enough to drive even a sane person insane, so I've just about had enough of it now.

Luckily, my psychologist wants to get me to a special type of therapist that'll help loosen up my knots, both physically and mentally, so maybe things'll get better soon. After massaging me, she was quite surprised by how tense I am, so she figured it's kind of urgent that I get some help as soon as possible. I can't even begine to describe how grateful I am for that. I'm used to pain, but I'm honestly a bit sick of it now.


*


The other day, I stumbled over some zodiac things, and I sat for a while and read up on some things.

Zodiacs are fascinating things, really, and I've always liked reading up on them. However, my own personal zodiacs have never really felt all that right to me, and I keep saying I was born on the wrong date. But, as my mother pointed out to me, I'm not one person. My zodiacs might not fit all of me, but it does describe one part. The fun of having "split personalities" is never ending.

In the Western zodiac, I'm born a Capricorn.
I'm supposed to be down to earth, stubborn, and a workaholic.

In the Eastern zodiac, I'm a Wood Rat.
I'm supposed to be smart, selfish and calculating.

And, in the Native American zodiac, I'm a god damned Goose.
I'm supposed to be reliable, ambitious and rigid.

I suppose they do describe one side of me, though I've got to be honest and say that I'm not too familiar with that side. I mean, down to earth, workaholic, calculating and ambitious? That really doesn't sound like any part of me at all. But, oh well. I suppose I'm just not done getting to know myself, and if I am to judge based on my zodiacs, then I have a lot of interesting to discover. Either way, as I look upon myself today, and claim to be reborn, I see that this new path of mine has just began. I'm sure there's a lot of interesting things ahead of me, and I'm praying that most of it will be positive things that'll help me improve my life.

After all this time, I do feel like I deserve it.