Changes

I'm a slow learner, but I'm learning my lesson.

Place your heart in the hands of the wrong person, and you're bound to get seriously hurt. And I did. More hurt than I've ever been before in my life, in a way I never thought possible. But at least it made me realize some things people have tried to tell me for years, and I now know that certain things aren't worth the pain it causes.

I'm used to having my heart broken, and being stepped on, but not like this. It feels like my entire inside have been ripped apart, and I feel deceived, used, and completely worthless. I've spent several months trying to convince myself that I'm not worthless, and now it feels like I've gotten it thrown into my face. And it hurts. It hurts my self-esteem, it hurts my feelings, and it hurts the very core of my being, from which I gave so freely in the belief that I'd actually get something in return.

I'm wounded. Angry and dissapointed, yes, but first of all wounded.



The other day I had five different people giving me healing at the same time, and they worked on me for almost half an hour. It felt really good, though I'm sad that they had to take my pain in. Cause they did, as they told me, when they were attempting to heal me. They all took in my pain, and one of them told me that she saw a vision of my heart that was rather unpleasant. The first thing that came to mind when seeing it, she said, was a raw steak. All cut up and bleeding, like someone had seriously mistreated it. Pretty spot on description, though I feel sorry that she had to see something like that. They didn't know what was going on, other than that I was in pain and wasn't capable of doing any readings that day, but when they healed me they got to see. They were so supportive and sweet with me, and the tears just started streaming when I sat there. Such kindness... I needed it. And I felt several ton lighter afterward.

I'm still in a lot of pain, and I probably will be for a long time now. I have a lot of broken things inside me that needs to be rebuilt, and I know it'll take me time. But I've found a glimmer of strength beneath all that layer of hurt, and a determination I've never had before. If this had happened just half a year ago or so, it would've broken me to the point where it would've killed me. Literally. But now I've decided that I'm not gonna let it kill me. It's just not worth it, I see now. Yes, I'm broken, but I'm not dead. I'm gonna keep standing my ground, and for once try to push away the thoughts that say "it's probably my fault, cause I'm not good enough" and not let them haunt me this time. I know I'm not at fault. And that I deserve better.

This pain, these feelings, and everything around it... I've decided to put them all inside a box, where they belong, and just stand on that box or put it away somewhere. I can't deal with them right now -I don't even know how to deal with them - so it'll be best to just focus on something else instead. I know putting things inside a box isn't a healthy way to deal with things, especially since that means I'm not dealing with them at all, but for now I've decided it's the best thing I can do. I need to focus on positive things, and put the negative away, and truth be told there really isn't anything I can do anyway. I'll take out that box and open it if I am ever given a good enough reason to, but as it is now I don't see that happening. So, for now, I'm putting that box away, and will try my best to just forget about it.

My psychologist is proud of me, she told me. It was a good thing to hear. The strength I'm determined to show, and the fact that I'm standing my ground and have decided to not let this kill me, is something I've never shown before. And that I'm pulling out this strength, made her proud of me.



But I've also decided to take a break from FaceBook for a while. That place is just annoying me now, and I certainly don't need that in my life right now. Time to get rid of all the negative things, and try to focus on the positive, and FB brings far too much negativity with it. Of course, the place taught me to not follow my curiousity at all times. Not all links should be clicked! A valuable lesson learned, that's for sure. Still have trouble getting that video out of my mind. Some humans just make me sick to my stomach, and that's all there is to say about that matter.. Ugh.

But yes, I'm taking a break from FB. I'll still check in about once a week or so, just in case people with no other means of contacting me leaves me any messages, but that's about it. And I'm unsure about whether I should keep linking my blog in there. I only want what's best for my readers, so if they insist that I keep linking it to make it easier for them to follow it, then I will. Hey, any feedback on that would be great, by the way! Your opinions mean a lot to me.

I'm still playing Grand Fantasia, though not as often as I used to. I'm so out of energy lately, and even gaming drains me a lot these days, but I do try to check in once a day. My online friends in there really mean a lot to me, and I miss them all when I'm not online. I've been disappearing on them a lot these past weeks, and I feel really bad about that. But yeah, I'm determined to become more active in there.



I also see that I need to get a more active social life outside of the online world. As it is now, I don't really have any friends at all, and no one I can just hang out with or have a cup of coffee in town with. I really need to get out more, and I'm tired of feeling lonely. I just don't know how to fix that. I've been a loner all my life, and given all of my time to just one person, forsaking everything and everyone else around me. Made me feel good then and there, but now I see that it was a mistake. I'm inexperienced on the area of making friends, and having a proper social life, so I honestly have no idea where to begin. Just the thought of meeting strangers and getting to know them scares me to death. It's strange, I'm 26 year old and I don't know how to get friends. Kind of embarrassing, actually. But, I suppose that's the price I pay for making dumb choices.

I'm really glad that I joined the alternative youth group that I'm in now. We may not be a large group, and there are only two others there that's my age, but I'm comfortable around them. It's like we're on the same tracks, so I can speak freely with them about things, without anyone looking at me like I'm crazy. They all know what I'm talking about, cause they've experienced the same things, and have the same belief, and that's really comforting. It also helps me develop my own abilities, which is great. It's social, which is something I need, and it gives me a chance to be around like-minded people.

They told me there's going to be an alternative fair here in town right after x-mas, and that I should definitely get a stand there and give readings for money. They believe I have great abilities, and they also love my way of doing readings cause it's so unlike the things they're used to. I mean, after they all worked on healing me, I managed to give three readings within an hour! I've never done that before, and the last reading I did was 100% spot on, I was told. That's pretty good for my self-esteem to hear, that's for sure. I'm gonna give it some thought, and maybe see if I want to attend that fair. Might be interesting.


I just wish I had more things to do with my time than just those group meetings every second week. I just don't know what else I should do. I mean, I'm working hard on that M-projected that got started last week, and I've been out of the apartment every single day since it started. Most of the time I've been to town with my mother, since she has time off work three times a week. I enjoy those trips, I do, cause I get to get out of my apartment and feel some social energy around me, but there's still those two days when mum's at work where I have to get out on my own that's hard. Not sure what to fill those days with, to be honest.

The coming weekend, though, I've actually been invited to a party! Kind of looking forward to that, cause it'll be a halloween party, and I really love halloween. But I'm also looking forward to some social contact, so I'm really glad and grateful that they invited me. I probably need to have a bit of fun to get my mind off things.



My life is changing. Everything around me is changing. And, maybe because of that, things inside me are changing as well. I can feel these changes like strings of energy that tie everything together, and every now and then they give off a spark that makes my skin tingle. I don't know what kind of changes there will be, or if they'll be good or bad ones, but I can't deny the fact that they are taking place. And these are pretty serious changes, and it feels like they will change my life forever. I'm just praying that it'll be for the better. That, finally, good things will start to come my way, because after everything I've been through I kind of feel like I deserve that.

I'm predicting that my life for a time onwards now will be pretty tough, and I'll have to go through a lot of painful things, but I'll try to keep in mind that when I get burned to the point where there's nothing but ashes left, I can be reborn. And that I am protected by things and beings no one else know of, and that these things and beings will never abandon me. They will always stand by my side, and give me strength to make my way through even the hardest of things. And for that, I am eternally grateful. And I'll keep the message I was given through channeling from the shaman in mind, every single day, and take strength from it. I'll survive through these changes, and, hopefully, emerge on the other side as a stronger and better person, thanks to the support I am given. Thanks to the ones protecting me they way they are. Thank you, for that, from the bottom of my heart. For you, I'll keep living and fighting.


Mo Okali, Ati Amirai~