Rambling thoughts

I've obviously hit a wall.


Truth be told, I really thought I'd never be back here again. I thought I was done with it all. Something inside me told me it was all behind me. But, apparently, I was wrong. And I was wrong in thinking that certain things wouldn't get to me, cause they did. And not only did they get to me, but they broke me.

So, yeah, I've hit a wall, and fallen into a dump.
And now I can't get up.

You know, it's so strange how I always manage to fall into these holes. I feel like I'm stuck in some sick comedy show, where all I do is trip over holes and get stuck in them. Except for the fact that no one's laughing. Or, if they are, I'm certainly not aware of it, and thank god for that. But, I always get stuck like this. Something comes along to trip me, and I'm down. Flat on my face. And can't get up. So what is wrong with me?

I don't know anymore.

I've had some rough months. Just when I thought I was doing fine, something came along to smack me in the face, and now I've fallen back into old habits. Not leaving the apartment, not talking to anyone, avoiding life both offline and online, feeling down and hopeless about everything, haunted by negative thoughts, and anxiety... It's as if those good months I had never really happened. Like it was just some dream that I've now woken from, and reality dumped a bucket of cold water over me. And we all know I hate cold water.

And it's as if I am out of words. I really want to talk to people, just call someone and talk, but I have nothing to say. Like my words have become meaningless. Just sending a simple text message seems impossible, cause I have nothing to type. It's not that my thoughts are gone, obviously, since I am still thinking things to death and manage to write up quite a lot of ranting in here, but it's when I want to turn those thoughts into words directed at specific people that things get difficult. Just ranting off in a blog isn't that hard, but actually talking to someone seems... Well, impossible.

I do try. When I have nothing to say, I just send my loved ones a heart instead. Just so that they'll know I love them. But I can't survive on just giving people hearts. In the end, I'm sure they'll want more from me... And I try to be chatty when I'm gaming, and talking to people on the world chat. Of course, it's mostly just random babble, but it's better than nothing. So far, gaming has been the one thing keeping me alive. It's a fake world, with fake people and fake achievements, but it's a lot easier to deal with. Being social with people in there is a lot easier, and it honestly saves my life. Sure, I don't really know any of the people I play with, and I can't really sit down and talk to any of them when I'm down and need someone to talk to, but at least their fake words are better than the silence of my walls. Cause right now, the silence coming from my walls are so deafening that it hurts.

I want to leave the apartment. Go somewhere. Do something. I don't care what, as long as it's something. But I'm just too drained. Caught a god damned cold, and it won't leave, and on top of a rather nasty down-curve, it really zaps the life out of me. Just crawling out of my bed - no, sorry, couch. I can't even be bothered getting into bed - is hard enough. So, for the most part, I don't leave it. The place look like a mess, I look like a mess, and my entire life feels like a mess. Talk about messy. So, yeah, I do need some air, I just don't know how to get it. I can't even haul my ass down to the store to buy more cigarettes, so I don't even get the "fresh-air" minutes that I usually get on a daily basis when I'm out for a smoke.

My god, I just realized how pathetic I really feel.
Oh, please, shoot me. Now.

I really don't know what to do right now. I mean, I'm so down and exhausted that I can't even cry. And I usually cry a lot, even when I'm not down. But now? Nope. I'm just empty. Not even tears in there. Sure, okay, there are certain thoughts, every now and then, that brings some water to my eyes, but no real crying. Why can't I even cry? What the hell happened to me? All this, just because of one failure? It doesn't make sense.

I don't even want to get drunk. Or eat chocolate. I don't want anything.
And, you know, that scares me even more.

What happened to my miracle? How come I lost hold of it? And what in the world can I do to get it back? Cause, let's face it; without that miracle, I am pretty much screwed, and my life is meaningless. And when I get to the point where my life just feels meaningless, I get scared.


So, in all honesty? I'M SCARED.
Right now I'd take an alien abduction over this. At least that would get me out of this hole.