Loss

Sometimes I wish I was cold and emotionless, cause maybe then loss wouldn't affect me so...


I've lost a lot of things lately, and it has taken its toll on me. I'm tired now. Really tired. And most parts of me just want to give up on everything, cause I don't know how much more I can take. There have been so much crap lately, and losing things is something I've never really been any good at dealing with, so I'm more or less at the end of my rope soon.




The worst was losing something before I even gained it. It's been almost 3 months now, and it still hurts. It stings inside me whenever I think of it, and just walking passed someone in town that reminds me makes me bite my lip so I don't start to cry in public. When I'm at home, I cry whenever I see a commercial on TV that reminds me. I don't talk about it to anyone though. Not even my closest. I just keep it all inside me, and I grieve all on my own. Every day. No one even knows why this is so painful to me. The only person I ever told, is now lost to me as well.


That was pain on another level. Just a month or so after, I lose the most precious I had in my life, and in such an ugly way too. The bitter aftertaste of being kicked away like I'm worthless is only clouded by the pain of the loss. Though the pain of losing something before even gaining it is worse than this, at least I know that pain will eventually fade over time and it'll get better. This pain, however, will stay just as strong for the rest of my life, and that I know from experience. I've lost something precious like this before, and not a single day went by without me thinking about it. It nearly drove me insane back then... So yeah, I know that this pain will be with me for as long as I'll live, and it's not a pleasant thought.


The two things I wanted and needed the most is not in my life, and I don't know how to even begin to handle that. But I've tried! I've really tried! I've boxed away my feelings and tried to ignore all the pain and just crawl back on my feet and keep walking. It was tough, but I thought I was going to make it. And then I have to face the possibility that I'll lose even more. I mean, right now, I don't think I'd be able to handle the loss of a pet even, cause that's how hard I'm struggling to keep it together, so the thought of losing a family member... It kind of felt like the last drop.


I got the text message on saturday, when I was out drinking (drunk as a pineapple and beyond, I was), telling me that he was at the hospital again and that they don't think he'll live until x-mas. My night out ended, to put it in a nice way. It was the last drop that made me break down, and if it hadn't been for all the amazing and wonderful people around me that took care of me and gave me warm words and comfort when I needed it, and even got me home, then I don't know what would've happened. It could've gotten ugly, drunk as I was and with such bad news to digest on top of everything else.
I knew he had been sick, but I thought - stupid as I am - that they'd fix it. That he'd get better. I really should've known better. Brain tumour. Agressive. And they can't remove it. And then his heart threatened to give in under the strain of it all, so that's why he ended up in the hospital again. I went to see him on Sunday, hung over and sad, and I had to bite my own lip so hard during the visit to keep from crying, that it went numb in the end. I didn't think it would affect me this much, but seeing him there, looking so tired and weak and asking me if I was alright was so hard to swallow that it broke my insides.
They're going to give him chemo. There's still hope that he'll get well, and that he'll live for a long, long time. But from what I've been told, there's a very high possibility that he'll die before x-mas. And that thought is just too much to swallow right now.



It probably sounds stupid and selfish, I know, but after everything I've lost and all the crap I've been through lately, this is just too much. I can't lose a family member right before x-mas. I just can't. I don't know if I'll be able to handle it, cause right now just the thought alone is enough to make me choke.


I woke up feeling heavy and sad yesterday. I struggled my way through the day, and when I got back home from the psychologist I spent the entire day crying. I even cried myself to sleep, which is something I rarely do. There wasn't really one specific reason for my sadness, that I could think of at least, but I think maybe things have been a bit too overwhelming for me. Things are catching up to me, and right now I've got to focus all of my energy on keeping myself from breaking apart. All this shit is messing with my head, and I'm too damned tired now.


I try to stay positive, and think of good things, but right now it's hard.
I don't know what to do anymore.





My parents and brother is going away on vacation at the end of this week. They'll be gone for two weeks, enjoying the sun and the warmth, and while they're gone I'll be house-sitting. I'll paint their hallway and get out the advent decorations and make the place look nice while they're away. We're just a month or so away from x-mas now. I don't really know if I'm looking forward to it or not.

Right now, my feelings are on the outside of my skin again - where they've been most of my life - and I can't feel them. I'm just empty inside.

I hope it's just temporary.
I hope things will be better soon.

*

EDIT:
45 minutes after posting this entry, I get the phone call. The tumour can't be treated. They're going to give him chemo so that he might live a month or two, but that's it. He's going to die.