Not so great updates

My one week evaluation stay up north worked more or less against its purpose, it seems. I knew it would be slightly difficult, but that it would be such a bad experience for me was something I never could've guessed. And had I guessed it, I would never had gone. I would've just stayed at home instead.


Just after a day up there, I felt my mood dropping. Not sure if I could call it a depression, but I felt extremely down and sad all the time. I figured it was only that I was tired after the eventful months that I've had, and that things were finally catching up to me, so I tried to pay it no mind. But then my nerves started working against me, and the littlest things started to scare me. I suddenly found it difficult to leave my own room, even to just get a cup of tea, and talking to people left me tense and uncomfortable.

And then I had a breakdown.

I crashed so horribly, it left scars on me. It's been a while since I last cried so much, or spent so much time just staring at the wall, wishing that something or someone would come and take me away from it all. At one point, I sat just beside my door, crying and praying that someone would somehow feel my pain and come save me. I couldn't leave my room. I was too scared to. Yet I wanted nothing more than to open that door and leave.

Truth be told, a part of me had started to believe I'd never experience things like that again. It came as a rather nasty bitchslap to my face, which kind of caught me off guard. Not a pleasant experience...


And now? I'm not entirely sure, to be honest. My entire inside is in turmoil in every possible way, and I have absolutely no idea what to do about it. It's like I'm back on that nasty edge where I can easily end up falling off or falling back on safe ground again, and I have no idea which way I'm leaning. I'm just standing here. So many thoughts are hurrying back and forth within my mind, while mixed emotions are clashing like there's some kind of war going on inside me. A part of me just want to keep standing here, and try to shut it all out, while another part want to scream and crawl into a corner, hands over my ears, and just cry it all away.

All I know is that I don't want to acknowledge the world around me and just be alone, yet I desperately need someone to be close to me.

It's as if I'm splitting. Torn apart.


And I just keep looking back. I've done nothing but look back lately. Remembering what was back there, and reliving my past. I had to talk about it, when I was up north, and it was.. Strange. Though, they had no positive feedback to give me. They don't think they can help me. That I should just try to forget and move on. At one point they just insisted that there wasn't anything there that needed fixing, and that my crazy was just... Something I was born with? Stress? Then they tell me that whatever's there is something I shouldn't poke around in, cause it would be bad for me. Talk about confusing...

To be honest, right now I don't know WHAT the deal is anymore.

I just know that I'm running around in circles, inside myself, on the same spot. And it's not pleasant.


I have so much on my mind, it's driving me nuts. And just about 90% of it all are things I can't talk to anyone about, so I just sit here and feel the thoughts swirl around in my head as I slowly lose grip on myself. I feel like screaming at the walls, but a part of me is scared that they'll scream back if I do. So I just cry. I cry, while I pray that something or someone will appear out of nowhere to dry my tears and just hold me close until it's all over. I hate the way I feel so alone.

And I hate the way that, every time something goes wrong in my life, the exact same thoughts come back to haunt me. The thoughts I can't share with anyone, cause no one would understand. I know that's a ridicules thing to say. "No one would understand." I usually hate it when people use that phrase, cause there's little to no truth in that. There's always someone out there that will understand your pain, somehow. But, it's just that... These thoughts. They're so personal. Personal like nothing else in my life. And that makes it so hard for me to imagine that anyone would understand the pain they cause me.

I suppose I'm just being stupid.

But, oh, what I wouldn't give. To make my thoughts real. To have my wishes come true, and my dreams to become reality. I'd probably sell my soul for it. Sacrifice anything... But no, I can't even share the thoughts. They'll just be my private little hell, the rest of my life. And I'll cherish that hell, deeply.


"You're still young!"
Don't you just hate it when people tell you that? When you try to tell them of something that is painful to you, and try to explain how much of an issue it is for you, they just tell you that. That you're still young. You've got your whole life ahead of you. There's still hope. I swear, if they knew how intensely I want to strangle anyone who tells me that, they wouldn't say it. They'd just keep their mouth shut. Makes me want to punch their teeth out sometimes. What the hell does my age have to do with these thoughts and these feelings? And if they knew the issues I actually have with my age... I wish they'd all just shut up, and never even mention my age. Just allow me to forget about it. Fuck, I just want to be blissfully ignorant.



I'm afraid I'm not in the greatest of moods lately.

It's as if everything in and around me decided to go to hell, at the same time, like a twisted family vacation. I know it's probably just a period, and that I'll live through it and that things will eventually get better. I know that. But it still hurts.

It hurts to watch the person I care about the most go through her own personal little hell, knowing that there's nothing I can do to help her.
It hurts that I'm not strong enough to be the support she needs, cause my head had to have the best timing ever and collapse on me now.
It hurts that I'm down again, and that my anxiety suddenly decided to flare up again, leaving me broken once more.
It hurts to know that not even a special psychiatric clinic can't seem to help me figure things out so I can put things behind me.
It hurts to sit inside myself and drown in my own thoughts and feelings, feeling so alone and lost, and knowing that it'll always be that way.
It hurts so much to feel that I have probably lost certain things that I worked so damned much to obtain...

Right now I want to run away from it all.


Not really the most cheery blog entry ever, but things haven't been so good lately, so you guys just gotta forgive me for that. I just have a lot on my mind, and things are rough, and it makes it hard for me to keep my head up at the moment. I'm sure things'll get better soon, when I just get through all this, but it's painful when I'm in the middle of everything.



But, when I think about it. You know what it all boils down to inside me?

I'm lonely.
And I don't want to be.