ASL - Age, Sexuality and Lies

I'm definitely going through a rather bad period in my life in many ways, and right now I'm not entirely sure if I'm still dying or just going through the rebirth pains. All I know is that somehow, somewhere, something inside me died and left me with a strange and empty feeling.

It'll probably pass, and I'll be fine. Eventually.
It's just painful being in the middle of it.



I'm a month and a half away from turning 27 now, and I'm not dealing all that great with that. I've always had issues with growing older, so every time my birthday comes sneaking up on me I start freaking out. Usually I start a week or so before it's here, but this time I'm starting early for some reason. I can hardly think of anything else, and it sends a chill down my spine every time I think about it. 27. In less than two months, I'm only 3 years away from 30. And truth be told, I don't want to be. Turning 26 was bad enough, and thanks to my anxiety and several other things, that entire birthday turned out to be one of the worst I've celebrated so far. I just wish I could forget it, but the memory of it still has its claws around my brain. It's unpleasant...

I've heard people talk about how things are as they've gotten older. One person who just passed 50 told me that it felt as though life was over, and asked if this was it. People older than that have told me similar things. As I'm closing in on 27, I'm feeling the same. I know it's ridicules, and that 27 is nothing when it comes to age, but that doesn't stop the thoughts or the awful feeling. I'm old, and the things I loved are all gone. What is left for me now?

I'm even seeing it in the mirror. I've tried to ignore it, but the other day I saw it so clearly that it made me choke. I was celebrating my sister's birthday and was at a party, having a good time, when I looked in the mirror and saw an old woman. I just froze. It was not a pleasant sight, and it was hard to swallow it and pretend like nothing as I sat there with all the younglings. I drank more than I should've that night, but I needed to get things out of my head. I needed to make it go away.

I don't want to grow old.

The people I know, my friends and loved ones, they're all younger than me. People I'm attracted to seems to be out of my range when it comes to age. I'm too old for them. And when I do look at people my own age, I see them all settled down. They have jobs, houses, are married or in serious relationships, and they have kids... So what am I, compared to them? Old, worthless and alone. At least that is how I feel these days. It's probably just a phase, but it's still painful. And I hate it.



Sometimes I really don't like my own sexuality either. I've struggled with it for years, really, but these days I'm really not dealing so well with it. I wish with all my heart that I wasn't a lesbian. Things would've been easier if I hadn't been...

I've known all my life that I wasn't straight. Ever since I was 5 years old, actually. It has just been a fact. Even the first person I ever had sex with was a girl. But I've tried all my life to be bisexual. To be able to choose from both worlds. I've forced myself to be something I'm not, cause things would've been easier that way. At least in my mind. But in the end, I only caused myself a lot of pain, and I eventually just had to accept the fact that I'm a lesbian. And for a long time I was pleased with that and proud of my sexuality. Now... I'm definitely going through a bad period, cause I am having some serious issues with being a lesbian.

I kind of hate it. I hate my own sexuality. I hate the limitations of it. I hate how it complicates things and makes me feel lonely. And I hate the way I love because of it... I spent the last two years praying that the girl I love would someday love me enough to be with me, only to be left standing alone with nothing but pain and hopelessness. I was blinded by that love, and all I could ever see was her. I could pretend to see other things and people, but in truth she was the only thing I ever had on my mind. It was almost like an obsession. And a painful one at that.

And now I see nothing. I only see that I'm alone, and that I don't want to be. But, again, my sexuality complicates things. There aren't many lesbians around here, and the few there are are taken. And the bisexual ones are taken too, mostly by men. And truth be told, I never want to date someone bisexual again. I've experienced it far too many times that the girl I like go for some guy instead, and that is just too painful. How can I ever compete with a guy? Especially when it comes to sex. To be honest, I'm pretty hopeless in bed. I have no confidence, and I'm too shy. I always fear that I won't be able to please her, so I end up failing in the end. I got told once that I was a "sex goddess" and it has got to be the most amazing compliment anyone has ever given me. It warmed me to my core, and I'll never forget it for as long as I live. But the only reason I managed to please was because the person I was with made me feel confident and safe. I actually dared do my best... No one else have made me feel so safe.

Things would've been easier if I had been straight. Or at least bisexual. Men may not be beautiful, but they're simple. Easy to please. Especially in bed... And there's more than enough of them to choose from around here.

I hate being a lesbian.



I feel like I'm living on lies. I keep telling people this or that, small lies here and there, to keep them from worrying about me. I'm almost at a point where I'm not sure what's true and what's not. I told myself a while back that I wouldn't do that, not anymore. I'd be honest and tell people what I thought and felt, and not keep things to myself. But I guess that was just another lie. I'm good with those. The lies I tell myself. I tell them every day, every time I see my own reflection. I keep repeating the lies until they become a solid truth I can live by. And that's how I exist.

I don't lie that much to other people, really. I just tell them I'm okay when I'm not. It's all just to keep them from worrying. It's the lies I tell myself that are the worst ones. I can't even tell if they're lies anymore. And it's getting harder and harder to find those small moments of truth where I can sit down and actually trust myself and the things I think, say and do.

I'm pretty hopeless.

Why do I do this? Why do I tell myself these lies? Is it to hurt myself, or to protect myself? I don't know anymore. Whenever I stop to think about it, my head hurts. And I get even more confused. So I try not to think about it. I try to focus on other things, and I tell myself that this feeling of hopelessness will somehow disappear and I'll feel better. Just another lie to myself. What difference does one drop make, when I've already got an ocean?




Can anyone ever save me from me? Silly question, but it has haunted my mind for years. I want to be saved. To be taken away from myself. But in the end, I know it'll never happen. No one will come rescue me. And can one be rescued from oneself anyway? I really don't know anymore. I'm going in circles within my own mind, and even though I'm pretending to be okay on the outside, it's all coming down and falling apart on the inside. Not even a needle and a thread is enough to fix this doll.

But, it's all just a bad phase I'm going through, right? In the end, I'll get back on my feet, save myself, and move on with my life, stronger than before. Right? If this doesn't kill me, it has to make me stronger. That's the rule! Or am I just telling myself more lies?



In the end, can I save myself?