M-project

"Fake a smile long enough,
and you'll start to believe you're happy.

It's hard in the beginning, and you'll probably feel empty inside. Hollow. But eventually it'll get easier, and if you just keep fighting your way through it, you'll come to realize at one point that you're not pretending anymore. The smile you're wearing is real."

-M



I've been very out of it lately, in a bad way. Something isn't quite as it should be, inside me, and it's difficult to handle. It's as if some strange part of me has just shut down and stopped caring about the outside world. I don't really want to leave my apartment, and I don't want to go online to places where people might actually see that I'm online and talk to me. I'm hiding from the world, like I usually do, but it's not anxiety. I'm rarely bothered by anxiety anymore, as it's almost gone. What this is, is completely new to me. I just don't want to be a part of the world, instead of being afraid of it. So I avoid it. I avoid people in it. Even people I want to talk to or meet, I avoid. I don't really care about anything. My heart is shattered? I don't care, toss it away. Don't need it. My inside is empty? I don't care, ignore it. Maybe I like it that way. My mind is sad and out of it? I don't care, leave it. Works better that way.

You see? I'm in a dangerous thought pattern. A part of me has stopped caring.

Luckily, I'm a being with many, many parts of me. And so, I've decided to start the M-project! The M is originally from the one I took the above quote from, but it can also stand for Motivation. Cause, I need a whole load of that! And I'm gonna motivate myself into fixing this problem, whatever it is.

I already started on it this monday by setting a rule for myself that I need to leave the apartment and go outside once a day. Even if it's just to check my mailbox, I will go out that door and walk those few metres back and forth! I'm being merciless on this. My mum has been extremely helpful in that matter, as this week we've gone to town together almost every day, and that has helped a lot. I'm really, really grateful for that, cause getting myself to leave the apartment is really hard on my own.

I'm not really sure where the next step goes, but I've been thinking of using this weekend to do something about the inside of my apartment. Trust me when I say; it looks like a bomb went off. I'm not exactly known for being a tidy person, and it shows. So, that problem needs to be tackled somehow, and I figured that since my parents are gonna take away the boxes blocking my bed at the moment and stow them away this sunday, I could prepare the rest of the place for that so that I could rearrange the apartment on sunday! Or, at least try to...

Either way, I'll try to get a decent start on this as soon as possible, and draw down a battle plan of some sorts, and see if I can't get all the things I want to do done by the end of this month! I think it's a pretty good schedule to work by, and if I can keep things up at the pace I started earlier this week then I should be fine. Just gotta keep leaving notes to myself, and make sure I follow them!

Oh, and, reward. I need to think of a really good reward for myself when I'm done!
Any suggestions?