Rearrangement and Channeling

I want to carve out my own heart, put it in a box of glass and place it on a shelf where I'll never be able to reach it ever again. Sometimes, my own thoughts and feelings make me so sick that I get physically ill, and just want to throw up.

I don't want to feel anything anymore...


That's the regular thoughts that's been visiting my head lately, and to tell you the truth it haven't really been pleasant. Been going through one of "those" periods again, and it has rendered me incapable of doing anything at all. I've just been locking myself up in my own apartment, avoiding people both offline and online, and done nothing but stare at the wall. Not even gaming seems to make me feel better, so I've been avoiding that too.

You know what? It's been booooring!

Sometimes I wish I could step out of myself and slap me really hard, cause when I'm going through "those" periods I kind of sicken myself with how pathetic I get. Okay, no, I'm not gonna call myself pathetic, that's just stupid of me and I've got to quit all this self-hating. But I do get annoyingly down and helpless when I'm in this corner, and it's bugging me. The worst part is that it has taken me just about a week just to finish the above writings for this blog. How silly is that?

I wish I had money, cause right now I just want to go away somewhere. Don't really care where, as long as it's far away from here, cause I really need to put some distance between me and my life right now. Though mostly I just need to get some distance from myself.


I need to rearrange my head. And not just a little bit, but a whole damned lot. I just don't know where to begin, cause there's so much chaos to grab hold of in there. Maybe I need a maid? I don't know. I was on such a good path, with a decent pace, and making my way forward and out of all the shit I've been crawling around in for so many years, and then I stumbled and fell flat on my face in that shit. I guess what makes it so bad is that I wasn't really prepared for it. It just tackled me from behind.

If I could just magically conjure up some energy from somewhere, and get my behind into gear so I'd do something other than just sit on it and do nothing, then maybe that would help. Just sitting at home with nothing but my own head to keep me company really doesn't help at all. Especially since my apartment just makes me depressed, for several reasons.

Everything in and around me needs to be rearranged.



I had a very interesting evening today, which is what finally made me drag myself up a bit and at least get to writing again. The past week has been one of my worst so far, so finally having a decent evening with some very interesting and positive happenings just made me feel tons better. The smile I have on right now isn't one of my fake ones. It's actually real. And it's spiced with puzzlement and amazement.

I had plans a while ago that I'd start attending an alternative group here in town, but a few weeks back when they had their first meeting I was too sick and too depressed to go, so I almost dropped those plans. But, today I decided that I'd attend, and man am I glad I did. I had a really good time, in good company, and got the most interesting (and kind of scary) reading ever. One of the people on the group can channel, and I got a lot of information that left me more or less speechless.

Absolutely every single thing I was told was correct, which was amazing enough in itself, but this person also managed to read things NO ONE ELSE knows. And I mean absolutely no one, besides me and the one person closest to me that I share these things with. So having someone read these things, was at one point almost a bit scary. It left me literally speechless, and amazed. And, also, it left me feeling a bit better about things, and it lifted my spirit a lot. I am going to take the advices I was given, and do the best that I can with them. And I will try my very best to follow my heart, as I was asked to do in these matters.

Something tells me I'll be pondering on the things I was told for the next two weeks until the next meeting, cause they really hit home. These were highly personal things. Even though the person who did the channeling couldn't understand half of the messages that were passed on to me, I understood every single thing. They really were meant for me.

I don't know what else to say. I'm still a bit speechless.
This was one of the most amazing experiences I've ever had.

Maybe, just maybe, I'll get back up on my feet again now.