Thoughts to be shared

I've been thinking on something, and I've been thinking on it for a long time. Why do I write down my personal thoughts in a public place like a blog like this? And why do I bother linking it on my Facebook page, for everyone to see, so that anyone can follow that link and read my thoughts?

The answer to that is those I love, and whom I know care about me.


At one point in my life, I wanted to hide everything and not let people know how I felt, and what I thought. I didn't want anyone to see my pain. Even when those close to me asked me how I was, I'd lie and tell them I was doing fine. I didn't want to worry anyone. I didn't want to be a burden to anyone. But, I know now from experience that not knowing is definitely far worse than knowing. Sure, knowing that those you care about are in pain is difficult and painful, but standing on the outside and not knowing what's going on, and making up your own ideas and imagining the worst, is even more painful. It's even more difficult to handle. You want to know, but is too afraid to ask, and if you do dare to ask, and get told a lie, you start to fear that they don't trust you. You start to fear that you're not enough for them. And eventually, a small part of you start thinking that they don't love you anymore. Or maybe they never did? And that uncertainty... It kills.

So I write. I write because I've always had difficulties talking about things, and writing is easier for me. I write because those around me whom I love, and that I know care about me, should have a chance to know what is going on in my life, and in my head. I don't want them to suffer under that uncertainty, because I know all too well what it's like to be uncertain. I write because of those around me that don't dare ask me how I'm doing, cause they fear I might lie to them. I write because those I love deserve to know.

I don't write because I want attention. If I wanted that, I'd stand in the middle of the city and scream for it. I don't write because I want pity. If I wanted that, I'd whine and complain to every person I met and beg for it. I don't write because I want every single person in the world to know exactly how I feel at every given moment. No, that's not why I do it. That's not what it's about.

It's about me needing to get things out of my head, and not being able to talk it out.

And so I write. And even though there are those that follow my blog, who get my updated entries on their lists of things to read, I've decided to link my entries on my Facebook for those who aren't subscribed. And because, even though I check in on the blogs I follow every day, sometimes even several times a day, not everyone does that. They want to read what I write, but it's not always easy knowing when I've updated my blog. So that's why I share the link, for everyone to see, so that those specific individuals who really want to know how I am, can know. I do it for them, and for no other reason.

There's no personal gain in it, other than the knowledge that those who care about me will get the chance to know how I'm doing. So that they don't have to stand there and be too afraid to ask me.


Do I get any response on the things I write? Quite rarely. I get comments every now and then, on my entries, and I read them and treasure them like they were valuable gems, and on rare occasions I get personal messages on Facebook or a text message on my phone. But that's about it. Do that bother me? No, not really. Yes, I love the feedback I get, but I do not crave it. I know people care about me, and I don't need - nor demand - that they show it off. Some people even feel uncomfortable showing others that they care, and I understand that. So no, it doesn't bother me.

Besides, I know all too well how difficult it can be to find the right words to give to those you care about when they suffer. Cause in the end, you know that words aren't enough. Sure, when people give me their warm words of comfort, it makes me feel good. It makes me feel loved. But what I truly treasure is the warm thoughts they carry, even if they never share them. Cause a caring thought is worth more than a thousand caring words, in my eyes.


So, think of me, every now and then. Give me your warm thoughts, and send me your love through your mind, and I will do the same for you. And I will keep writing, just for you.