Weekly update

Warning: Long, long entry, written over time.



First off; my Halloween weekend was a real success! I had the most fun I've had in ages, in absolutely great company, and even though I woke up with a massive hangover the following sunday, it was totally worth it. I got invited to two Halloween parties that saturday, and I attended both. First was my younger brother's party, where I got pizza and watched the first half of a movie with my folks, and then there was a PartAY hosted by some friends of mine where I had the best time ever. We drank, talked, had fun, and even ended up out on town! Lots of dancing, and lots of fun, and they played many of my favourite party songs. The hostess of the party was dressed as Lady GaGa, and when the DJ noticed her he dedicated one of my favourite GaGa songs to her!



I absolutely love that song, and the dancefloor was packed with people dancing and singing. Absolutely awesome, is what it was. And, I requested one of my party songs, and the DJ played it for me!



So you can safely say that my mood was pretty good. And then he played another of my favourite songs.



Though I'll admit that the song made me think of things I really didn't want to think of, so I had to swallow pretty hard to suppress certain things. But, aside from a small moment of bad thinking, the evening was absolutely amazing. Met one of my sisters as well, dressed up as Captain Jack Sparrow, and she got me a ride back to the Halloween party after Ramona closed. I had such a great time, and I smiled as I walked home that night. I made it home at around 5 AM that morning, and considering that we turned the clock back and hour that night, I was out pretty late for once.

Can't remember the last time I did that, to be honest. And it was great.


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I needed that weekend, really badly, cause I had a pretty bad week last week. Though, this week turned out to be even worse, and to be honest a part of me just want to give up. I've lost everything that gave me a reason to breathe, for no real reason and without any explanation. And I ask myself; how can anyone hate me so intensely that they go to such lengths just to break me? I really don't know anything anymore, and a huge part of me feels completely empty. I paint on that smile and pretend I'm okay, but the moment my door closes and I'm alone, I'm drowning in my own tears and choking on my pain. Can't remember the last time I cried this much...


I just want to go away somewhere. Get away from it all. Preferably leave this entire planet behind and stay in another world. Though, right now I'd settle for a nice vacation somewhere sunny, as long as it was anywhere but here. I just need to put some serious distance between myself and all the shit that's being going on lately.

I mean, right now I'm going through the worst kind of pain I've ever experienced, and I honestly don't know how to deal with it. Sure, I've been through heartaches and all that before, and I know eventually time heals and all that crap. But this... I don't know. Trying to put away so many years of love is hard.

Have you ever loved someone with all your entire being? And I mean really loved someone. To the point where you'd do anything for them, even sacrifice your own happiness just to please them. Have you ever loved someone so deeply, that you'd be willing to swallow those feelings and keep them tied up someplace where that person won't have to see it, just because you don't want them to feel pressured or burdened by your feelings?

I used to think that being an emotional being was a good thing, and that how I was capable of loving someone with my entire being - giving them my mind, my heart, my body and soul - was something to be treasured, but now I'm starting to believe otherwise. If anything, these passed weeks have only taught me that loving someone so deeply is just stupid. You shouldn't give all of yourself to anyone. You shouldn't share everything you have to share with anyone. You shouldn't trust your heart to anyone. And, above all else, you should never, ever believe that loving someone so deeply will ever make them love you back.

Right now, at this very moment, I kind of don't want to love someone, ever again.
It's just too painful.


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It kind of feels like I'm being divided within myself, and I've got different sides of me all leaning in different directions, and to be honest I have no idea which side is the side I should listen to.

There's one side that's still hoping for something to happen that can fix everything. That hopes I'll just wake up one day and everything will somehow magically be back to the way they were, and I'll be fine again. It's the side that keeps looking out the window at all the rain pouring down, praying that the clouds will suddenly go away and the sky will be blue. The side that wishes so badly that everything's just one big misunderstanding, or that I'll at least get an explanation for why things turned out the way they did.
Then there's the side of me that just wants to crawl into a hole and stay there for the rest of my life. That, quite honestly, just want to give up on everything and die. The side that wants me to lock myself up in my apartment and refuse to be a member of the world, and just sit around and mope and feel sorry for myself. It's that side that tells me that this is just what I deserve for being stupid and worthless, and that I should never fool myself into believing that I actually matter to someone.
And then I've got a third side of me that just want to say "Fuck it. Fuck everything. Move on." and basically just put it all in a box and throw the box away. It's the side that keeps asking me why I even bother to care, and that wants to just forget about everything. The side that is too fed up with all the crap I've been through all these years, and that considers this nothing more than the last drop that made the water spill out of the glass, and really just want to give the world the finger.

I gotta admit, that last side kind of scares me a bit. It even scares the other two sides of me as well. It's a new side, and I don't really know it all that well. I've never been a person that can just say "fuck off" and turn my back on things. I'm too emotional, too weak, and with a conscience that tends to kill me if I just look at someone the wrong way. I just want to please everyone around me, cause their happiness have always mattered more to me than my own, so a side like that is a bit intimidating. I don't even know where it came from.

I'm at a loss.


I've been working hard, for a long time now. I've struggled for so many years with anxiety, self-esteem issues, uncertainties, insecurity, depression, and I've worked so hard on all these things for some time now. I was starting to build up my confidence, learning myself that I'm not worthless and that I can do a lot of things. I was convincing myself that I matter, cause I had people, friends and family, and loved ones, who told me that I was important. That I was loved, and cared for. That I mattered. I was starting to feel less insecure, and I was finally able to get myself to dare to do things I never dared to do before. I got rid of my anxiety!

But now? I've had a major setback. And I feel like crap. I feel worthless. I don't matter. I'm not important. I'm not loved. I'm nothing. It annoys me that I let it get to me, but it's so hard not to. For so many years, I've had something that was my entire world. And I gave my all for it. Now, that world basically told me to fuck off. Not in those exact words, mind you, or any words at all, but that's kind of the feeling I'm left with. That what once was my everything, told me to fuck off. It's... Not a good feeling.


I was right, in thinking that things were changing now. Cause they really are. I've lost all that mattered to me, so now I'm standing at the crossroad, wondering on which way to go. What to do. How do I pick up the pieces of a broken me, and glue myself back together?

I look at myself, and I see me divided. One part still looking backward, wanting to go back to what was, and willing to do anything to get there. Praying for blue skies... One part just sitting there, unwilling to move, and determined to just drown myself in self-pity. And that last part, looking forward, ready to turn its back on everything and move in an entirely new direction.

They're all me. So how do I choose which me to listen to?


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My psychologist means that I should listen to all three sides, cause they're all right in some way. Take the time to grieve over what I have lost, remember the good things, and also allow myself to be angry. It's a process I have to go through, and so far I'm handling things just right, according to her. It was good to hear, that much I'll say.


My other concern now is that I really need to get a proper appointment at the doctor's... I've lost 10kg in a couple of months, and that's not good. Especially when I've been eating more than usual to try and keep my weight steady and not get too skinny. I'm not a fan of skinny... But people are concerned about this, and so am I. Cause my stomach just isn't co-operating with me at all.

I've been bothered with nausea all my life, and the annoying "morning sickness" that keeps me from eating a proper breakfast, but what this has escalated into is just insane. I'm not nauseous, but I throw up on a daily basis. It can be that I draw my breath too deeply, and then I'm hanging over the toilet. I've got a cold, so there's slime at the back of my throat, and I'm hanging over the toilet. I think of something nasty, and I'm hanging over the toilet. It's starting to get pretty annoying. I'm keeping my food down, that I am, so that's not a problem, but for the most part I'm throwing up air and stomach acid. And let me tell you; that doesn't taste all that great. I have no idea what's causing this, cause I've never really been one to throw up, but I'm going to let a doctor take a look at it. Either it's psychological, cause things haven't been that great, or there's something else at work that needs to be treated.

It drains my energy. And when my energy is already drained because of other things, I'm not really left with much to go on. I'm tired all the time, and can hardly manage to do anything at all. I figured out that the only time I'm not tired, are the hours after I've gone to bed and I'm trying to sleep. Talk about annoying.



You know what? I really need a vacation. Now.