Lost

"I tore off all my old chains, and threw them away.

I'm ready to die.

I've always called myself a child of the sun,

but tonight I'm chaining myself to the moon,

so that it may have my love eternally.

Remember who I was, and love me for it.

Treasure the memories of what used to be,

cause after tonight they are all that's left of me.

After tonight, I'll be dead."

-Aswari Saneth Wolfheart-

A bit morbid, I know, but whatever. Been working on writing the death scene of my main OC, Aswa, and those last words of hers have been stuck in my brain for ages. I just had to get them out. It's been a month, and I still haven't been able to write things down properly. Either I'm lazy, or some part of me don't want to write down her death.

I don't know.

My head's a bit out of it lately, and it makes it hard to consentrate on anything. It's as if I'm not all there, for some reason, and I can't seem to focus on one thing at a time. I've got like a billion things buzzing around inside my head, and it's driving me insane.

I think I've had some rough months lately.



People have been commenting on how much I've been drinking and partying lately, as if I'm out of control somehow. I had three party weekends in a row, and every single weekend I got drunk as a pineapple and hardly made it home in one piece. Truth be told, I worried a bit about it myself, so I talked to my psychologist about it to get her opinion.

She says there's nothing to worry about, and that I'm just doing as she told me to. To take a recess from all my troubles and worries and sad thoughts, and just have fun every once in a while. Even though I'm going through a lot of difficult things lately that are taking their toll on me, I have to try and be a child in the middle of everything and just go out and play. Those were her words.

So, that's what I've been doing the last three weekends. Taking a recess. I spend every single second, every day of the week, worrying about things and struggling with heavy thoughts, being in pain, so I need some time out every now and then. And I take that time out by going out and having fun. Okay, I get a bit drunk - probably more than necessary - but who gives a damn? I have fun, and forget about all the bad things for a moment, so it's absolutely worth it, in the end.

I'll probably take it easy for a while now though, mainly for the sake of saving money. We're closing in on x-mas, unfortunately, so I gotta concentrate on buying presents and sensible things I might need for the holidays. I'll probably have a little party on newyears, at my place, but it won't be anything big seeing as my apartment is pretty small. Not sure what to do about my birthday though, which is a little over a month away. Go out, maybe? Probably get drunk as a pineapple. Yeah.



I wonder if I'll know who I am by then? Cause I have absolutely no idea anymore. I lost myself a while back - like, seriously lost myself - and I'm having trouble adapting. I've lost my foothold, and I spend most of the day wondering how I'm supposed to behave. Even when I'm alone. It's like I've died. And my body is now just an empty shell of some sorts, that hosts different minds within it, all struggling to figure out who's supposed to take charge of this shell. I know it's silly, and that it makes no sense, but that's exactly how I feel. I'm dead.

I mean, I kind of knew that. A while back I did my best to kill off old sides of myself and leave the past behind me, and I did a very serious cleansing to try and renew myself. And the day after, I felt really great and reborn and all that, and I figured that I'd be someone new from that day forward. But, I was wrong. I actually died, and completely lost myself. And I'm not coming back.
I claim to be a phoenix. That I'm reborn whenever I die, and start anew. I thought I'd do it this time as well. That I'd be back, and that I'd get things on track once more. But it's not happening. So I'm wondering; will I be lost forever this time? Won't I ever come back?

I don't know.

All I know is that I'm stumbling around, completely clueless, and just function on some strange auto-pilot that acts like me. I play a role when I'm in public, to keep people from figuring out that something's wrong, and it feels so unreal. When I'm at home, alone, I switch more back and forth between different versions of me than I've ever done before, and every single version is just as confused and unsure how to act. And we talk to the walls, in hopes of answers, but get no reply besides a silence that deafens.

I have nothing to hold on to right now. So I'm slipping, and I'm falling.
And I'm scared.



I've noticed that I can't go out in public without listening to music. If I'm to step outside that front door and greet the world, I need to have the sound of it drowned by the sounds coming from my earplugs. I have no trouble walking through town, as long as I can't hear it. As long as the only thing I hear is my own music. Not really sure why, cause I've never had this problem before, but that's just how it is right now. It's as if the music is my safety blanket or something.

The really annoying thing is that my mp3-player died on me a long time ago, so I only have my cellphone. And it's an old thing, so it doesn't really have a lot of music on it. But, it has some of my favourite songs, so I guess it'll do. Though, I wish I had a really good mp3-player, and some really good, and large, headphones I could use. The earplugs kind of annoy me. Especially since no one notice them, so people try to talk to me and get offended when I can't hear them cause they can't see that I'm listening to music. If I had large headphones, everyone would see, and no one would try to talk to me. They'd just leave me alone. That would be perfect, it would.

I suppose I could've put that on my x-mas wishlist, along with all the other small things that I really, really want, but I decided to write a different wishlist this year. I need a vacation, more than anything else, so asking for giftcards or money is the best solution if I am to afford that.



I'm just really out of it. I'm not really looking forward to anything, and everything feels wrong. I don't want to celebrate x-mas, and I don't want to celebrate my birthday. I don't even want to be here at all. I feel like an empty shell, anyway, and I feel so misplaced. Like I'm in the wrong place, and in the wrong time.

I don't really know what's going on inside me anymore. I guess I've just really lost my way. Maybe I need a map? And a compass? Maybe.

I think I need guidance.