Malfunction

Yeah, my head is malfunctioning on me these days, and it's driving me nuts. I keep forgetting everything, and I can't seem to think properly, nor make any decisions regarding even the smallest of things. It's as if its on a complete shut down!

My memory has generally gotten worse these past years, but these days it's just horrible. Like yesterday, mum gave me a call and made an appointment for today, saying that she'd come pick me up. A short while later, I had already forgotten what the appointment was about, and no matter how hard I tried to remember, it was just gone from my head. This morning, I had to text mum and ask her if I had anything I was supposed to do today, cause I honestly couldn't remember. She had to call me and explain the appointment we made all over before my brain finally managed to kick in. And that's just a tiny drop in the ocean of the things I've been forgetting.

Then there's my complete inability to think of things that is usually just a breeze for me. Like, I'm doing an RP with a friend of mine online, and I never have problems typing up my reply. I mean, I often have a reply ready in my head long before I've even read what others have posted. When I take long in replying, it's usually cause I'm working on typing it up the right way, or cause I want to rethink my reply to see if I can improve it. But right now, she's been waiting for days, cause I can't think of a single reply to give her. I literally am completely out of ideas. My head's blank! And that never happens to me when RPing. Ever! Ugh, it's so annoying.

And you won't even believe how long it took me to decide what to do about the space above my kitchen counter. Tiles? Plates? RUGS? I went through all the ideas there could possibly be, and I nearly tore my hair off in pure frustration, cause I just couldn't make up my mind! It felt like my head was imploding on me! Luckily I managed to find a solution, but that was after going around in circles for days!

I am just so god damned out of it.

And I know it's because I'm tired. I'm well aware of it. I'm supposed to be resting, taking it easy, and attempting to fix this fatigue thingy. Recharge my batteries. But it's... It's difficult.

I'm not thinking about the diagnose. I've pushed it to the back of my mind, and decided that I'm not ready to look at it just yet. So, right now, I'm not feeling anything about that subject at all. But, it's sitting there at the back of my mind, so even though I'm not thinking about it, it's still making me tired, I suppose.

Mainly, it's the apartment.

I'm so fed up with it. No, really, I'm fed up. I act all cool and joke about it whenever someone asks me, but on the inside I'm seething with anger and frustration. I'M SO FUCKING SICK OF IT! I just want to be done. I want to be able to sit down, in my own home, and just be done with it all. I want to enjoy living here. I want to feel like I have a home. But I don't. I just live in a mess that is making me want to cry whenever I look at it. Like I am right now. Crying. Cause I'm so frustrated and sick and tired and I just want to run away from everything.

9 months of work and frustration, and I am far beyond just reaching my limits. I got to them a long time ago, and now I am way beyond them. Do you have any idea what that's like? Cause it feels like my own personal hell.

It's that god damned kitchen. And it's having to rely on others all the time, because I can't do things myself. Either I don't have the skills, or I don't have the health. There's always something getting in my way! And so I have to get help from others to get anything done, which means that I am totally at their mercy, and everything has to happen by their schedule. And no, I don't mean to complain, cause I'm so grateful I even have someone that can help, but I'm just so tired of having to rely on someone else. It's MY home. And I just want to be done.

I don't even have a life right now, cause all my focus goes into handling this.

And I'm so tired. My god, you have no idea how tired I am. I act like it doesn't get to me and that I'm okay living like this, but most of the time I can't even look around me cause I'll just feel sick to my stomach and cry if I do. I'm living in a god damned mess. And I'm just really, really tired of it.

I just want to sleep until next year comes.
I'm too tired right now.

And since I've cried my eyes out right now, I'm gonna go scavenge the place for a small drink, cause I really need it. And maybe some chocolate. Some chocolate would be great right now. Yeah.