OCD and programmed routines

I want to start this off by talking a little bit about OCD.

Pretty much everyone has heard about it.
And pretty much everyone claims that they have it.

Really? Do you even know what OCD is? Just because you like things to match, or that you just "have" to move objects so that they align, that doesn't mean you've got OCD. That's just being a neat freak, and there is a lot of neat freaks out there. No, OCD is having to wash your hands a certain number of times in a day - not because you want to, but because you have to. OCD is having to turn the lights on and off again whenever you enter a room - not because you want to, but because you have to. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is like being programmed a certain way, and not being able to go against that program, because going against it will cause severe anxiety and even psychotic episodes. Here; read a little about it.

Having OCD is not a laughing matter, and it's definitely not the same as being a neat freak. If you think you may have OCD, then you should really see a proper doctor and get that checked out. Unless you've got an official diagnose, do NOT go around saying you've got OCD. It's just completely idiotic, and actually really insensitive and rude towards those whom actually DO have that diagnose. Just saying.

That aside - Yes, I actually AM officially diagnosed with OCD. But! I will go as far as to claim that I have a very, very mild case of it. Yes, in certain ways, it does control my life, and it does cause me a lot of problems on a daily basis, but it's on the level where I can handle it, and my former therapist agreed with that and didn't really see a reason to try and treat it. Besides, the way my OCD manifests isn't one of the really bad ways. It manifests through a compulsive need to organize and sort things, and in the long run I feel like the good things about that outweighs the bad things.

I am not a neat freak. Anyone whom has entered my home can confirm that, lol. My home is not tidy or neat in any way, as I am a horribly messy and chaotic person. But, I'm a very organized messy and chaotic person. I organize a lot of things, and I can spend hours, days, and even weeks organizing certain things. Not because I want to, but because I have to. Not organizing something when my brain tells me to will cause some pretty severe anxiety and other problems, to the point where it borders on the psychotic and I can start hearing and seeing things.

One of the things I tend to spend a ridiculous amount time organizing is my inventory in games. They have to be a certain way, and sometimes I can spend hours organizing them so that they'll fit that way that my brain has determined is the right way. I've had it happen to me when playing online games, that the people I've been playing with notice that I haven't moved in a while and wonder what's up, and I tell them some lie that I'm glitching or lagging or whatever, because it's a better reason than "No, sorry, I can't move from this spot until my inventory has been perfectly organized, or I will have an anxiety attack." See my problem? This compulsive need to organize certain things can just swallow my time completely, and I've had moments where I've suddenly realized that it's 5 AM in the morning and that I've spent the entire night organizing ONE folder on my computer. And not because it needed to be organized, or that I wanted to organize it, but because there's a part of my brain that has a faulty programming that I can't seem to fix. I can spend days trying to find the perfect way to organize my kitchen cabinets, and then I spend some more days re-organizing everything. The rest of the world gets put on hold whenever I have moments of "OCD-ing" as I call it, and nothing else gets done, because it takes up 100% of my attention, and there's nothing I can do about it.

But, the good thing about it is that a lot of things in my life are organized really well. Yes, I spend way too much time organizing ridiculuous things that doesn't really need to be organized, and I tend to fail at regular life because of that, but the things that actually NEEDS to be organized, are. And that, I feel is a good thing. And I've learned how to somewhat control that compulsive need, by staying away from things that I know will make that program in my head click and get turned on. Which is one of the main reasons for why I'm a messy person, and my home tends to be a chaotic mess. I have to take things slowly, especially when I'm tidying, or I might come across something that should be organized, and then I'll be swallowed up for a day or two - possibly more - and my plans for tidying just falls apart. Like, I haven't folded and tucked away my newly washed clothes in quite a while, because I know that when I open that closet to put away the clothes, the program will click on and I'll be completely swallowed by the need to completely re-organize my entire closet. As long as I don't look inside it, I'll be fine. I can pretend it's not there. But when I do open it, I better be ready for a lot of organizing and re-organizing of clothes.

OCD is a tiresome thing that can drain you, depending on how it manifests. It's not a fun thing to have, and it's not really something to be joked about. Though, of course, I joke about it. I joke about everything that's bad, because that's how I deal with bad things. I joke. And I laugh. And then I feel a bit better.

I had a point with all this rambling, and it was not a point about OCD. I was supposed to write about something entirely different, but I got sidetracked, as usual. Now I don't even remember what I originally wanted to talk about.

Oh, well.


So, how are things? Well, slow-going, I suppose. I still haven't recovered all that well, so I'm still taking it easy and staying at home. I think I'm just going to use the rest of February to recover and recharge, and just sort things out.

Oh! Sort things out! Yes, that was the point. I wanted to talk about how I want to use this month to organize my life a little bit. That's why I started to talk about organizing, and OCD. Lol, senile much?

But yeah, my life is a bit messy, I've come to see, and I need to re-organize it a bit. But if I'm gonna do that, I have to set aside a lot of time, and thus I've decided to use this entire month to do so. I need to put up a decent weekly schedule to go by, to keep me on track and to feel like I'm in control. I'm a creature of habit - a side effect of one or more of my many disorders - and I'm very dependant on things going the way I've planned. My mind is very set on certain things, and it takes a lot of time to mentally prepare, so last-minute changes can be very problematic for me. Fridays are grocery shopping days with my parents, and I spend the entire week preparing for that, so if it gets changed then my mind just falls apart. I need AT LEAST an entire day of preparing for things, mentally, so if people want me along for something then they better tell me a day or two before so I can have time to program my mind.

But yes, I had a sort of weekly schedule that I lived by, but it fell apart a couple of months ago, and then everything else just started falling apart in and around me as a direct cause of that. I need my routines, or I just can't function. That's just the way I'm built. And it's one of the reasons - along with being an introvert - for why I have a lot of trouble dealing with other people. Being alone is better, cause then I can stick to the already programmed routines and everything will be okay.

My current programming isn't doing me a lot of good, I see, and so I want to try and do some re-programming to get a better schedule and better routines, and thus better days and a better life. But as I've already said, it takes time to re-program my head, especially considering the OCD and other various disorders making life hard - not to mention the fibro on top of it all - so I just gotta keep to myself for a while. Since re-programming and organizing is draining, I need to recharge more often, and I can only recharge when I'm on my own, which means that February will really become a hermit month for me. Sure, I'll make exceptions for my family and my dearest loved ones, but the rest of the world just have to settle with being put on hold for a little while longer.

That, and I also need more time to sort out this apartment, cause there's just so. much. to be done. Ugh! And in winter I generally have less energy, cause my body use all the energy trying to stay functional. This really isn't the best time of year for me, lol.


Buuut! All of that aside, when February is done and I'm feeling more in control of things, and my life is better organized and I'm recharged, I'll be going by a good schedule (hopefully) and I'll be able to announce some pretty awesome things I've got planned for this year. I'm excited about the plans I've got, so I'm looking forward to finally being able to tell you all about them. All I can say right now is that if things go as planned, life's gonna get pretty awesome, not just for me, but for others as well. So, stay tuned for that, my lovelies~

Anyhouse, time to wrap up this thing of an entry, and I'll see you all in a couple of days for the Flashback Friday entry numbero uno!

Take care!