A kick to the face

So, Flashback Friday got canceled, mainly because I spent the day curled up in bed, crying. I'll make up for it by posting a double Flashback next Friday.

I've had one hell of a weekend, and now is the first time I've managed to move around without wanting to lay down and die, because of the god damned pain. Living with fibromyalgia can be a fucking bitch sometimes, and especially Friday worked as a really good reminder of exactly how much of a bitch it can be.

So, my sister decided to paint her hallway while her boyfriend is away, and on Wednesday I got a snap from her where she said that she was in over her head and wouldn't finish in time for the weekend. Now, she's been there for me so much, especially while I've been working on the renovations, so there's was no doubt in my mind that I wanted to go help her. So I told her I'd be there the next day - Thursday - to help her out. I don't regret that decision one bit, because I'm really happy I could finally do something for her in return for all the things she has done for me.

On Thursday, I walked down to the store to buy more paint, since she was out, and that's the one thing I regret. I never should've walked down there, even hough it was a short walk, cause it was enough to knock me out. I should've asked if anyone could drive me, but I'm just so damned sick of having to rely on people having to drive me around all the time, because of this stupid condition of mine, so I just really wanted to do that one thing on my own. Which was stupid of me, I know, and I regret it, but it's done and there's nothing I can do about that.

Then I headed off to her apartment - managed to hitch a ride with my father, thankfully, so I didn't have to walk there as well - and since she was still at work, I spent those 3-4 hours alone at her place, going up and down a stepladder to paint her hallway. And I did manage to paint it - all of it - in time for when she got back home from work. The look on her face when she walked in the door was just priceless, and it was worth every single second. I know it was stupid of me to paint an entire hallway on my own like that, especially after that walk to and from the store, but it felt so good. Just being out of the apartment, doing something else, and actually being able to move around and do some physical work for a change - it felt like heaven. I enjoyed every second of it, and I had tons of fun, and, as I said, the look on my sister's face was just the best reward ever. She was so happy! And I had opened a bottle of wine I had with me, so there was a glass waiting for her, so all she had to do was sit down and relax and do some gaming, and being able to give her that just made my day. I made dinner, and then we just sat and drank wine, while I watched her play Final Fantasy VII.

It was one of the best days I've had in a long time, and I enjoyed it so much.
I don't regret doing that at all!

And then Friday came, and the fibromyalgia decided to jump in with a kick to the face, dealing a rather nasty reminder of how little I am capable of. I couldn't move without the pain shooting through my body, forcing tears out of me, and just breathing was hard. I dragged myself out of bed - it took me a couple of hours, due to the pain - and got on the computer to go through my mourning routines. And then I remembered that I was almost out of meds, so I wanted to go check if I had any prescriptions on it - and order a new one if I didn't - and found that the chip I use to log in to sites like that - including the bank - was broken, so I couldn't log in. I had to order a new one, which was pretty expensive, and it'll take way over a week before it's here - and I have exactly 7 days of medication left.

That was the last drop.

I just fell completely apart, and barely managed to stumble back into the bed before I collapsed, and all I could do was cry. I cried because of the pain, because it was so horribly bad, and I cried because I was so frustrated over my own body, and how little it takes before it gives up on me. I mean, I know I'm not as capable as most people, and that I have my limitations because of the fibromyalgia, but this reminder was such a kick in the face. It felt like a defeat, and all I could think about was how I was never going to be a proper functional human being. I've been non-functional all my life because of my mental issues, and when I'm finally free of those, and I think I can have a normal life, I get this physical condition that I'm going to have for the rest of my life.

I'm broken, and I'm never going to be fixed.

It's such a crushing feeling to have - really, you have no idea how horrible it is to feel that way - and I can't seem to shake it off. Every time I try to get back on my feet, the fibro comes and kicks me down, and every time it does I just feel more and more like not bothering to get back up again. It's so hard to keep going.

Some days, I just want to give up.

But I don't though. I suppose it's a good thing that I'm stubborn - and that I have my wonderful companions - cause I've yet to fully give up. I managed to get through that Friday, despite how hard it was, and how the only proper thought I managed to have inbetween gasping for breath due to the combination of pain and crying was that I didn't want to live like this. I pulled through, like I always do, and made it to Saturday.

Another day of pain, and being stuck in bed most of the day, though the pain wasn't as bad as the day before. It made me feel slightly better, though I was still feeling horribly depressed about how dysfunctional my body is, so I just stayed in bed most of the day, trying to pull myself together. My mum dropped by with food and love at one point, which made feel a bit better about things, and I spent a lot of time just working on sketches and designing clothes for Liz, which made me feel even better. When I finally managed to move out of the bed, I spent the rest of my Valentine's Day with wine and some Final Fantasy VII, and as the evening progressed, I finally managed to feel good about myself again.

Today I'm feeling better, both physically and mentally. The pain isn't as bad, and I can move around again, and most of the depressing thoughts are finally gone. Which I knew would happen, deep down, cause those rough days are just that. Rough days. They'll pass, and I'll be okay again. It's one hell of a roller coaster, but... It certainly beats the alternative. I'd rather live a roller coaster life, than not live at all.

I'm really tired today - mentally - and I wish I could sleep for a thousand years, but I know it's just the aftermatch of some really rough days. I'm just gonna relax the entire day, do some sketching and some more gaming later, and I'll be fine. I'll take it easy the next week as well, while slowly working on getting back on my feet. I'm gonna finish working on that schedule - which is the only proper plan I have for next week - and then I'll get started on living by that schedule the week after that.

Although this reminder of how bad my health is was a painful blow, I suppose the good thing about it is that I now fully know how much I need to take my health into consideration while putting that schedule together. I have such horrible limitations, but if I am considerate of them, and slowly work on stretching them, then maybe things will get better. That is, at least, what I'm hoping for.

So, yeah. I'm okay. I just need to learn to take things really slow.

I'm clearly having a rough period with my health, and I just need to be considerate of that. The most annoying part - aside from the obvious hell days I've had - is my eye-sensitivity acting up again. It's been acting up these past couple of weeks, which makes it rather painful to be online on certain sites. I'm glad I changed the layout of my blog, cause the one I've got now isn't as painful to my eyes as my older ones. Most of the sites I check daily have a good colour scheme that is soft on my eyes, but others... Like Facebook, for example. There's a lot of white. Dark text on white background - and the opposite, light text on dark background - are the two worst things for my eyes. The newer facebook is a tiny bit better though, cause the background is more of a soft grey now, instead of white, which is a lot better. And GaiaOnline - the other site I frequent a lot - also have that softer grey, on top of the fact that you can alter your post style. I have the document post style, which gives my posts a light brownish backdrop, and that is a lot easier on my eyes.

I got a lighter blue/turquoise on my twitter, cause the white I had just killed my eyes, and DeviantArt has that lovely green. My instagram, however, is pretty harsh on my eyes, so I mainly stick to using it on my phone. But my main mail, and a couple of the other sites I check out, they've all got white background, which is killing my eyes, and giving me a rather nasty headache.

I hope the sensitivity decides to ease down a bit soon, cause I really can't turn the light on my screen any further down now, and I do a lot of work on the computer these days. Ah, yeah, another problem right there! All the folder work I'm doing on my computer is hard, cause there's white background there as well. Is there any way of changing that? Cause I'd love to be able to change it to a more softer colour than white. Like blue, or green, or purple - hell, I'll even take yellow! As long as it's a soft colour, I don't really care what colour it is. Not black, though, cause it's just as bad as the white.

Ugh.

Yeah, my body isn't being nice. But, as I said, I'm okay.
I pull through.
That's what I always do.