The darkest shadows

It's been a long and tiresome week. I haven't gotten nearly as much done as I planned, mainly because my body just refuses to work with me. Okay, I get that one day, where the weather was really bad, but the rest of the week? What's with the pain!? Seriously, it's been impossible to get anything done, cause I've hardly been able to move at all.

Had a slightly better day on Thursday, so I took a really long shower - which was heavenly, by the way - and got a couple of things done around the apartment. I even managed to change the sheets on the bed! But, those few minor things I did was enough for my body to want to collapse, cause I was hardly standing afterwards. My body just can't seem to pull itself together these days. It's really, really annoying.

Today I've been feeling tired and sad since I woke up, and I'm not entirely sure why. I guess recovering from complete exhaustion isn't as easy as I'd hoped, and it's eating on my mood.

Also, my mood took a serious dive down to the bottom of the ocean when I had to do some calculations regarding some bills and such, and I realized that I've miscalculated some things and don't have enough money to survive the next month. And I've already used up all my savings to pay for my birthday, so there's nothing there to lean on.

Good news is, though, that if I don't buy ANY food the next three weeks, I'll manage to scrape up the money I need for the last of the bills. Can I survive on bread and water for a couple of weeks? Yeah, I'm pretty sure I can. I've done so before, and I can certainly do so again. Besides, I've got some wine left after the birthday loot, and that will make excellent liquid food. Right? Well, maybe I can sell them. That way, I can use the money for those bottles to get the food I need. Sounds like a good plan, that.

As soon as I get over this minor bump in the road, I should fall right into the new budget I've made for this year, and I should be fine. I've decided to put all my extra money away on saving accounts, just to make sure I'll survive any future bumps in the financial road. Being in my situation, with my diagnose and my pension, and all of my expenses, I can't really afford to fuck up. Not even once. If I do, then I'm pretty screwed - like I am now.

Being an adult - a disabled one at that - is just sooo much fun.

I'd cry, but that won't really help fix this. I'd punch something... Oh, hang on. I did. I punched my bathroom door - and learned that it's really, really, REALLY hard. That was a really bad idea. And now my fist hurts like fack.

......

Okay, so I put this entry aside, and I put my calculations, and just about everything else, aside as well, and I got out my sketching pad. I spent some time doing some sketches of my oldest friend and dearest companion - Elizabeth - since she's the only one whom can always calm my mind no matter how bad things are, and just took a breather. And then I went grocery shopping, only bying bread, milk, and catfood - the three things I actually needed - and as soon as I got back I did some more sketching before looking through what I have of food in the house.

The result of this all was two sketches of Liz - the first one is quite possibly the worst sketch I've ever done of her, and the second one is, without a doubt, the best one I've ever done - and I've gotten a decent idea of how I'm gonna deal with things. I've got enough food in the cabinets and the freezer to last me these next three weeks - if I'm smart about it - and if I only buy bread and milk when I run out, I should manage to pay the bills AND eat. I'll be totally fine! I have to do without beer, but that's not really a huge loss. I'll manage.

I'll fucking manage!

I swear, I don't know what I would've done without Liz. She always gets me back on track whenever I feel lost, and she helps me stay calm when I need to. And thanks to her giving me a mental break, I'm confident that things'll be okay.

Why do I even worry? I know I'm protected, and that I've got my companions by my side, always. They have my back whenever I need them to.


I'll be taking it easy this weekend. I absolutely need to, cause my system is about to have a break down. I'll just do some gaming and some sketching, just taking a mental break from everything, and on Sunday I'll go down to my folks' to have birthday coffee (omg, my brother will be 17 years of age on Monday, what the eff??), which will be nice. I'm glad I already bought my brother his birthday present, so that's not something I need to worry about. And then me and him are going to have an amazing BroSis Tuesday next week, with pizza and gaming, which is going to be absolutely awesome, and then life is going to get back on track again.

I'm surrounded by darkness, but that's okay. Liz is a creature of the dark, and my lunar deity, so whenever I feel lost in the dark, she'll be there. She's always there. In the shadows, where others can't see. She's been there my entire life, and I know she'll stay there for the rest of it. The darkest shadows, the ones you think will swallow you, suffocate you - that's where I know she'll be, catching me if I fall.